What totally different feelings did Emma take back into the house from what she had brought out! - she had then been only daring to hope for a little respite1 of suffering; - she was now in an exquisite2 flutter of happiness, and such happiness moreover as she believed must still be greater when the flutter should have passed away.
They sat down to tea - the same party round the same table - how often it had been collected! - and how often had her eyes fallen on the same shrubs3 in the lawn, and observed the same beautiful effect of the western sun! - But never in such a state of spirits, never in any thing like it; and it was with difficulty that she could summon enough of her usual self to be the attentive4 lady of the house, or even the attentive daughter.
Poor Mr. Woodhouse little suspected what was plotting against him in the breast of that man whom he was so cordially welcoming, and so anxiously hoping might not have taken cold from his ride. - Could he have seen the heart, he would have cared very little for the lungs; but without the most distant imagination of the impending5 evil, without the slightest perception of any thing extraordinary in the looks or ways of either, he repeated to them very comfortably all the articles of news he had received from Mr. Perry, and talked on with much self-contentment, totally unsuspicious of what they could have told him in return.
As long as Mr. Knightley remained with them, Emma's fever continued; but when he was gone, she began to be a little tranquillised and subdued6 - and in the course of the sleepless7 night, which was the tax for such an evening, she found one or two such very serious points to consider, as made her feel, that even her happiness must have some alloy8. Her father - and Harriet. She could not be alone without feeling the full weight of their separate claims; and how to guard the comfort of both to the utmost, was the question. With respect to her father, it was a question soon answered. She hardly knew yet what Mr. Knightley would ask; but a very short parley9 with her own heart produced the most solemn resolution of never quitting her father. - She even wept over the idea of it, as a sin of thought. While he lived, it must be only an engagement; but she flattered herself, that if divested10 of the danger of drawing her away, it might become an increase of comfort to him. - How to do her best by Harriet, was of more difficult decision; - how to spare her from any unnecessary pain; how to make her any possible atonement; how to appear least her enemy? - On these subjects, her perplexity and distress11 were very great - and her mind had to pass again and again through every bitter reproach and sorrowful regret that had ever surrounded it. - She could only resolve at last, that she would still avoid a meeting with her, and communicate all that need be told by letter; that it would be inexpressibly desirable to have her removed just now for a time from Highbury, and - indulging in one scheme more - nearly resolve, that it might be practicable to get an invitation for her to Brunswick Square. - Isabella had been pleased with Harriet; and a few weeks spent in London must give her some amusement. - She did not think it in Harriet's nature to escape being benefited by novelty and variety, by the streets, the shops, and the children. - At any rate, it would be a proof of attention and kindness in herself, from whom every thing was due; a separation for the present; an averting12 of the evil day, when they must all be together again.
She rose early, and wrote her letter to Harriet; an employment which left her so very serious, so nearly sad, that Mr. Knightley, in walking up to Hartfield to breakfast, did not arrive at all too soon; and half an hour stolen afterwards to go over the same ground again with him, literally13 and figuratively, was quite necessary to reinstate her in a proper share of the happiness of the evening before.
He had not left her long, by no means long enough for her to have the slightest inclination14 for thinking of any body else, when a letter was brought her from Randalls - a very thick letter; - she guessed what it must contain, and deprecated the necessity of reading it. - She was now in perfect charity with Frank Churchill; she wanted no explanations, she wanted only to have her thoughts to herself - and as for understanding any thing he wrote, she was sure she was incapable16 of it. - It must be waded17 through, however. She opened the packet; it was too surely so; - a note from Mrs. Weston to herself, ushered18 in the letter from Frank to Mrs. Weston.
`I have the greatest pleasure, my dear Emma, in forwarding to you the enclosed. I know what thorough justice you will do it, and have scarcely a doubt of its happy effect. - I think we shall never materially disagree about the writer again; but I will not delay you by a long preface. - We are quite well. - This letter has been the cure of all the little nervousness I have been feeling lately. - I did not quite like your looks on Tuesday, but it was an ungenial morning; and though you will never own being affected19 by weather, I think every body feels a north-east wind. - I felt for your dear father very much in the storm of Tuesday afternoon and yesterday morning, but had the comfort of hearing last night, by Mr. Perry, that it had not made him ill. `Yours ever, `A. W.'
[To Mrs. Weston.] WINDSOR-JULY. MY DEAR MADAM,
`If I made myself intelligible20 yesterday, this letter will be expected; but expected or not, I know it will be read with candour and indulgence. - You are all goodness, and I believe there will be need of even all your goodness to allow for some parts of my past conduct. - But I have been forgiven by one who had still more to resent. My courage rises while I write. It is very difficult for the prosperous to be humble21. I have already met with such success in two applications for pardon, that I may be in danger of thinking myself too sure of yours, and of those among your friends who have had any ground of offence. - You must all endeavour to comprehend the exact nature of my situation when I first arrived at Randalls; you must consider me as having a secret which was to be kept at all hazards. This was the fact. My right to place myself in a situation requiring such concealment22, is another question. I shall not discuss it here. For my temptation to think it a right, I refer every caviller23 to a brick house, sashed windows below, and casements24 above, in Highbury. I dared not address her openly; my difficulties in the then state of Enscombe must be too well known to require definition; and I was fortunate enough to prevail, before we parted at Weymouth, and to induce the most upright female mind in the creation to stoop in charity to a secret engagement. - Had she refused, I should have gone mad. - But you will be ready to say, what was your hope in doing this? - What did you look forward to? - To any thing, every thing - to time, chance, circumstance, slow effects, sudden bursts, perseverance25 and weariness, health and sickness. Every possibility of good was before me, and the first of blessings27 secured, in obtaining her promises of faith and correspondence. If you need farther explanation, I have the honour, my dear madam, of being your husband's son, and the advantage of inheriting a disposition28 to hope for good, which no inheritance of houses or lands can ever equal the value of. - See me, then, under these circumstances, arriving on my first visit to Randalls; - and here I am conscious of wrong, for that visit might have been sooner paid. You will look back and see that I did not come till Miss Fairfax was in Highbury; and as you were the person slighted, you will forgive me instantly; but I must work on my father's compassion29, by reminding him, that so long as I absented myself from his house, so long I lost the blessing26 of knowing you. My behaviour, during the very happy fortnight which I spent with you, did not, I hope, lay me open to reprehension30, excepting on one point. And now I come to the principal, the only important part of my conduct while belonging to you, which excites my own anxiety, or requires very solicitous31 explanation. With the greatest respect, and the warmest friendship, do I mention Miss Woodhouse; my father perhaps will think I ought to add, with the deepest humiliation32. - A few words which dropped from him yesterday spoke33 his opinion, and some censure34 I acknowledge myself liable to. - My behaviour to Miss Woodhouse indicated, I believe, more than it ought. - In order to assist a concealment so essential to me, I was led on to make more than an allowable use of the sort of intimacy35 into which we were immediately thrown. - I cannot deny that Miss Woodhouse was my ostensible37 object - but I am sure you will believe the declaration, that had I not been convinced of her indifference38, I would not have been induced by any selfish views to go on. - Amiable39 and delightful40 as Miss Woodhouse is, she never gave me the idea of a young woman likely to be attached; and that she was perfectly41 free from any tendency to being attached to me, was as much my conviction as my wish. - She received my attentions with an easy, friendly, goodhumoured playfulness, which exactly suited me. We seemed to understand each other. From our relative situation, those attentions were her due, and were felt to be so. - Whether Miss Woodhouse began really to understand me before the expiration42 of that fortnight, I cannot say; - when I called to take leave of her, I remember that I was within a moment of confessing the truth, and I then fancied she was not without suspicion; but I have no doubt of her having since detected me, at least in some degree. - She may not have surmised43 the whole, but her quickness must have penetrated44 a part. I cannot doubt it. You will find, whenever the subject becomes freed from its present restraints, that it did not take her wholly by surprize. She frequently gave me hints of it. I remember her telling me at the ball, that I owed Mrs. Elton gratitude45 for her attentions to Miss Fairfax. - I hope this history of my conduct towards her will be admitted by you and my father as great extenuation46 of what you saw amiss. While you considered me as having sinned against Emma Woodhouse, I could deserve nothing from either. Acquit47 me here, and procure48 for me, when it is allowable, the acquittal and good wishes of that said Emma Woodhouse, whom I regard with so much brotherly affection, as to long to have her as deeply and as happily in love as myself. - Whatever strange things I said or did during that fortnight, you have now a key to. My heart was in Highbury, and my business was to get my body thither49 as often as might be, and with the least suspicion. If you remember any queernesses, set them all to the right account. - Of the pianoforte so much talked of, I feel it only necessary to say, that its being ordered was absolutely unknown to Miss F - , who would never have allowed me to send it, had any choice been given her. - The delicacy50 of her mind throughout the whole engagement, my dear madam, is much beyond my power of doing justice to. You will soon, I earnestly hope, know her thoroughly51 yourself. - No description can describe her. She must tell you herself what she is - yet not by word, for never was there a human creature who would so designedly suppress her own merit. - Since I began this letter, which will be longer than I foresaw, I have heard from her. - She gives a good account of her own health; but as she never complains, I dare not depend. I want to have your opinion of her looks. I know you will soon call on her; she is living in dread52 of the visit. Perhaps it is paid already. Let me hear from you without delay; I am impatient for a thousand particulars. Remember how few minutes I was at Randalls, and in how bewildered, how mad a state: and I am not much better yet; still insane either from happiness or misery53. When I think of the kindness and favour I have met with, of her excellence54 and patience, and my uncle's generosity55, I am mad with joy: but when I recollect56 all the uneasiness I occasioned her, and how little I deserve to be forgiven, I am mad with anger. If I could but see her again! - But I must not propose it yet. My uncle has been too good for me to encroach. - I must still add to this long letter. You have not heard all that you ought to hear. I could not give any connected detail yesterday; but the suddenness, and, in one light, the unseasonableness with which the affair burst out, needs explanation; for though the event of the 26th ult., as you will conclude, immediately opened to me the happiest prospects57, I should not have presumed on such early measures, but from the very particular circumstances, which left me not an hour to lose. I should myself have shrunk from any thing so hasty, and she would have felt every scruple58 of mine with multiplied strength and refinement59. - But I had no choice. The hasty engagement she had entered into with that woman - Here, my dear madam, I was obliged to leave off abruptly60, to recollect and compose myself. - I have been walking over the country, and am now, I hope, rational enough to make the rest of my letter what it ought to be. - It is, in fact, a most mortifying61 retrospect62 for me. I behaved shamefully64. And here I can admit, that my manners to Miss W., in being unpleasant to Miss F., were highly blameable. She disapproved65 them, which ought to have been enough. - My plea of concealing66 the truth she did not think sufficient. - She was displeased67; I thought unreasonably68 so: I thought her, on a thousand occasions, unnecessarily scrupulous69 and cautious: I thought her even cold. But she was always right. If I had followed her judgment70, and subdued my spirits to the level of what she deemed proper, I should have escaped the greatest unhappiness I have ever known. - We quarrelled. - Do you remember the morning spent at Donwell? - There every little dissatisfaction that had occurred before came to a crisis. I was late; I met her walking home by herself, and wanted to walk with her, but she would not suffer it. She absolutely refused to allow me, which I then thought most unreasonable71. Now, however, I see nothing in it but a very natural and consistent degree of discretion72. While I, to blind the world to our engagement, was behaving one hour with objectionable particularity to another woman, was she to be consenting the next to a proposal which might have made every previous caution useless? - Had we been met walking together between Donwell and Highbury, the truth must have been suspected. - I was mad enough, however, to resent. - I doubted her affection. I doubted it more the next day on Box Hill; when, provoked by such conduct on my side, such shameful63, insolent73 neglect of her, and such apparent devotion to Miss W., as it would have been impossible for any woman of sense to endure, she spoke her resentment74 in a form of words perfectly intelligible to me. - In short, my dear madam, it was a quarrel blameless on her side, abominable75 on mine; and I returned the same evening to Richmond, though I might have staid with you till the next morning, merely because I would be as angry with her as possible. Even then, I was not such a fool as not to mean to be reconciled in time; but I was the injured person, injured by her coldness, and I went away determined76 that she should make the first advances. - I shall always congratulate myself that you were not of the Box Hill party. Had you witnessed my behaviour there, I can hardly suppose you would ever have thought well of me again. Its effect upon her appears in the immediate36 resolution it produced: as soon as she found I was really gone from Randalls, she closed with the offer of that officious Mrs. Elton; the whole system of whose treatment of her, by the bye, has ever filled me with indignation and hatred77. I must not quarrel with a spirit of forbearance which has been so richly extended towards myself; but, otherwise, I should loudly protest against the share of it which that woman has known. - `Jane,' indeed! - You will observe that I have not yet indulged myself in calling her by that name, even to you. Think, then, what I must have endured in hearing it bandied between the Eltons with all the vulgarity of needless repetition, and all the insolence78 of imaginary superiority. Have patience with me, I shall soon have done. - She closed with this offer, resolving to break with me entirely79, and wrote the next day to tell me that we never were to meet again. - She felt the engagement to be a source of repentance80 and misery to each: she dissolved it. - This letter reached me on the very morning of my poor aunt's death. I answered it within an hour; but from the confusion of my mind, and the multiplicity of business falling on me at once, my answer, instead of being sent with all the many other letters of that day, was locked up in my writing-desk; and I, trusting that I had written enough, though but a few lines, to satisfy her, remained without any uneasiness. - I was rather disappointed that I did not hear from her again speedily; but I made excuses for her, and was too busy, and - may I add? - too cheerful in my views to be captious81. - We removed to Windsor; and two days afterwards I received a parcel from her, my own letters all returned! - and a few lines at the same time by the post, stating her extreme surprize at not having had the smallest reply to her last; and adding, that as silence on such a point could not be misconstrued, and as it must be equally desirable to both to have every subordinate arrangement concluded as soon as possible, she now sent me, by a safe conveyance82, all my letters, and requested, that if I could not directly command hers, so as to send them to Highbury within a week, I would forward them after that period to her at - : in short, the full direction to Mr. Smallridge's, near Bristol, stared me in the face. I knew the name, the place, I knew all about it, and instantly saw what she had been doing. It was perfectly accordant with that resolution of character which I knew her to possess; and the secrecy83 she had maintained, as to any such design in her former letter, was equally descriptive of its anxious delicacy. For the world would not she have seemed to threaten me. - Imagine the shock; imagine how, till I had actually detected my own blunder, I raved84 at the blunders of the post. - What was to be done? - One thing only. - I must speak to my uncle. Without his sanction I could not hope to be listened to again. - I spoke; circumstances were in my favour; the late event had softened85 away his pride, and he was, earlier than I could have anticipated, wholly reconciled and complying; and could say at last, poor man! with a deep sigh, that he wished I might find as much happiness in the marriage state as he had done. - I felt that it would be of a different sort. - Are you disposed to pity me for what I must have suffered in opening the cause to him, for my suspense86 while all was at stake? - No; do not pity me till I reached Highbury, and saw how ill I had made her. Do not pity me till I saw her wan15, sick looks. - I reached Highbury at the time of day when, from my knowledge of their late breakfast hour, I was certain of a good chance of finding her alone. - I was not disappointed; and at last I was not disappointed either in the object of my journey. A great deal of very reasonable, very just displeasure I had to persuade away. But it is done; we are reconciled, dearer, much dearer, than ever, and no moment's uneasiness can ever occur between us again. Now, my dear madam, I will release you; but I could not conclude before. A thousand and a thousand thanks for all the kindness you have ever shewn me, and ten thousand for the attentions your heart will dictate87 towards her. - If you think me in a way to be happier than I deserve, I am quite of your opinion. - Miss W. calls me the child of good fortune. I hope she is right. - In one respect, my good fortune is undoubted, that of being able to subscribe88 myself, Your obliged and affectionate Son, F. C. WESTON CHURCHILL.
爱玛回屋时的心情跟出来时的心情真有天壤之别啊！本来她出来只想散散心，现在却高兴得有些飘飘然了。而且她还相信，等这阵兴奋过后，她一定会感到倍加幸福。
他们坐下来喝茶——还是同一伙人坐在同一张桌子周围——他们在这里相聚过多少次啊！她的目光有多少次落在草地的这些灌木丛上，多少次观赏过夕阳西沉的这一瑰丽景色啊！可是却从来没有过这样的心情，从来没有过这样的兴致。她好不容易才恢复了一些常态，勉强做一个尽心的女主人，甚至做一个尽心的女儿。
可怜的伍德豪斯先生万万没有想到，他热情欢迎、一心希望骑马途中没有着凉的那个人，正在酝酿一项对他颇为不利的计划。他若是能看透他那颗心，就决不会关心他的肺出不出问题。可他万万没有想到那近在眼前的灾难，丝毫没有察觉他们两人的神情举止有什么异常之处。他津津乐道地把佩里先生告诉他的消息重说了一遍，然后又自得其乐地往下说，全然没有料到他们可能会告诉他什么消息。
奈特利先生还在场的时候，爱玛一直兴奋不已，直到等他走了之后，她才平静了一点，克制了一点。她度过了一个不眠之夜，这是她为那样一个傍晚付出的代价。在这不眠之夜里，她发现有一两个颇为严肃的问题需要考虑，因而觉得就连她的幸福也是要打折扣的。她父亲——还有哈丽特。她一个人待着的时候，就感到了她对他们应尽的责任，如何尽力安慰他们俩的确是个问题。她父亲的问题很快就有了答案。她还不知道奈特利先生会提出什么要求，可是她心里思忖了一会，就一本正经地作出决定：永远也不离开父亲。一想到离开，她甚至凄然泪下，认为是罪过。只要父亲活着，那就只能是订婚而已。可是她又想，要是没有了失去女儿的危险，父亲反倒可能感到更加高兴。如何为哈丽特尽力呢，这就比较难以定夺了。如何帮她免除不必要的痛苦，如何给她作出补偿，如何使自己看上去不像她的情敌？这些问题让她大伤脑筋，大为苦恼——她心里真是悔恨交加，不得不一次次地痛责自己，懊悔不已。她最后只能决定，还是不要跟哈丽特见面，有什么事要告诉她就写信跟她说；让她暂时离开海伯里一段时间，这是个再好不过的办法。另外——她还在酝酿另一招——几乎打定了主意：让布伦斯威克广场的人请她去那里，这也许是切实可行的。伊莎贝拉喜欢哈丽特，让她去伦敦住上几个星期，定会叫她心情舒畅一些。她觉得，像哈丽特这种性情的人，到了那新奇的环境中，有了丰富多彩的活动，逛大街，去商店，逗孩子，对她不会没好处的。不管怎么说，这会证明她是关心她、体贴她的，会想方设法帮助她的。暂时不要见面，避开又得重新相聚的尴尬日子。
她很早就起身给哈丽特写了信，写过后就觉得心情烦闷，几乎到了忧伤的地步，幸好奈特利先生一早便赶到哈特菲尔德吃早饭。她偷了半小时的空，跟他在原来那地方又兜了一圈，无论从哪个意义上讲都很有必要，使他重温了昨天傍晚的幸福。
奈特利先生走后不久，她还丝毫没来得及想到别人，就有人从兰多尔斯给她送来一封信——一封很厚的信。她猜得到信里写的什么，觉得没有必要看。她现在已经完全宽恕了弗兰克·邱吉尔，用不着再听他解释，她只想一个人清静地想一想——至于要让她理解他信里写的什么内容，她敢肯定自己没有这个能耐。不过，总还得勉为其难地浏览一下。她拆开了信，果不其然，是韦斯顿太太写给她的信，还附了弗兰克写给韦斯顿太太的信：
亲爱的爱玛：万分高兴地转给你这封信。我知道你会十分公正地对待它，无疑它会产生令人满意的效果。我想我们对这位写信人不会再有多大的分歧了。不过我不想啰里啰嗦耽搁你读信。我们都很好。这封信治好了我最近感到的小小的不安。我不大喜欢你在星期二那天的神色，不过那天早上的天气也不大好，尽管你决不会承认自己受了天气的影响，我想人人都感受到了东北风的滋味。星期二下午和昨天上午下暴雨，我真为你亲爱的父亲担忧，可是昨晚听佩里先生说他安然无恙，我也就放心了。
你的
安·威致韦斯顿太太
七月于温莎亲爱的夫人：
如果我昨天把意思说清楚了，那你就会在等待这封信。可是，无论你是否在等待，我知道你会抱着公正和宽容的心情来看这封信的。你是个十分善良的人，我想你甚至需要使出你全部的善良，才能容忍我过去的一些行为。可是我已被一个更有理由抱怨我的人所原谅。我写信时来了勇气。人一顺当了是很难有自卑感的。我两次请求宽恕都如愿以偿，这就会使我陷入过于自信的危险，认为我也能获得你和你那些有理由生我气的朋友的原谅。请你们一定要理解我初到兰多尔斯时的处境，请你们一定要考虑我有一个需要不惜一切代价加以保守的秘密。这是事实。至于我是否非得把自己搞得这么遮遮掩掩的，那是另一个问题，这里暂且不谈。要知道是什么诱使我认为非得这样做，那我就请每个爱吹毛求疵的人去看看海伯里的一所砖屋，下面的框格窗，上面的窗扉。我不敢公开向她求爱。我在恩斯库姆的困境是众所周知的事，无须赘述。我们在韦默斯分手以前，我幸运地说通了，使天下最诚实的姑娘发了善心，甘愿跟我秘密订婚。假如她拒绝的话，我非发疯不可。可是你会问：你这样做有什么指望？你有什么希求呢？一切的一切——时间、机会、境况、缓慢的发展、突然的爆发、坚毅和厌倦、健康和疾病。我有着美好的前景，幸福得到了初步的保证，她答应非我不嫁，并同我通信。如果你还需要进一步的解释，那么，亲爱的夫人，我有幸作为你丈夫的儿子，又有继承他那乐观性情的优点，这其中的价值可不是继承房屋田地所能比拟的。你瞧，我就是在这种情况下第一次来到了兰多尔斯。我知道自己错了，因为我本该早一些来的，你回想一下就会发现，我是在费尔法克斯小姐到了海伯里以后才来的。由于这是对你的不恭，请你马上原谅我吧。不过，我一定要请我父亲谅解，说我离开家门那么久，一直无幸认识你。我跟你们一起度过了快乐的两周，我想我在这两周的行为，除了一点以外，没有什么可指责的。现在，我要谈谈这一主要问题，也就是和你们在一起的时候，我的行为中唯一要紧的内容，它引起了我的不安，需要作出非常详细的说明。我怀着最崇高的敬意和最热烈的友情提到伍德豪斯小姐，也许我父亲会认为，我还应该加上最深切的愧疚。他昨天随口说的几句话就表明了这个意思，我承认我是应该受到责备。我知道我对伍德豪斯小姐表现得过分了。为了掩饰对我来说至关紧要的秘密，我禁不住过多地利用了我们一开始就形成的亲密关系。我无法否认，伍德豪斯小姐看上去像是我追求的对象——可是我想你一定会同意我这么说：如果我不确信她无意于我的话，我就不会抱着自私的念头继续这样干。伍德豪斯小姐虽然又可亲又可爱，但却从未让我觉得是个令人倾心的年轻小姐，她也根本不可能倾心于我，这我置信不疑，也但愿如此。她对我的殷勤表示并不当真，显得又大方又和善又开朗，正合我的心意。我们似乎彼此心中有数。从我们相互的处境来看，这样的殷勤是她理所应得的，给人的感觉也是如此。伍德豪斯小姐是否在那两周结束前就真正了解了我，我还说不准。我只记得，我去向她告别时，差一点向她吐露了真情，心想她并非没有猜疑。不过，我想她从那以后对我有所察觉，至少有一定察觉。她不一定会猜到全部真情，但她那么机灵，一定能猜着几分。我对此毫不怀疑。你会发现，这件事不管什么时候公开出来，她都不会感到大吃一惊。她多次对我暗示过。我记得她在舞会上跟我说，埃尔顿太太那么关心费尔法克斯小姐，我应该感谢她。我希望，你和我父亲了解了我对她的态度的原委，就会认为我远远没有那么大的过错。只要你们认为我做了对不起爱玛·伍德豪斯小姐的错事，我就休想得到你们的原谅。现在原谅我吧，并在适当的时候，代我请求爱玛-伍德豪斯的原谅和良好祝愿。我对她怀有深厚的兄妹之情，希望她能像我一样，也沉浸在深深的、甜蜜的爱情之中、、我那两周里不管说了什么奇怪的话，做了什么奇怪的事，你们现在都可以理解了。我的心在海伯里，一门心思就想尽可能多去那里，而又不引起别人的疑心。如果你们还记得什么可疑现象的话，就请往正确的方面想吧。至于大家议论纷纷的那架钢琴，我觉得只需说一句：费小姐事先一点也不知道订钢琴的事，如果由着她的意思，她是决不会让我送的。亲爱的夫人，在订婚的过程中，她的心眼细得真让我无法形容。我真诚地希望，你很快就会完全了解她。她是没法形容的，非得由她自己来告诉你她是怎样一个人——然而不是用言语，因为没有哪个人会像她那样故意贬低自己的优点。这封信比我预料的要长，我开始动笔以后，收到过她的来信。她说她身体很好，可她从不说自己身体不好，我也就不敢相信她的话。我想听听你对她气色的看法。我知道你不久就会去看她，而她还就怕你去。也许你已经去过了，快给我来信吧，我急于想听听好多详情细节。请不要忘记我在兰多尔斯只待了一会儿工夫，当时心里乱糟糟、疯癫癫的，现在也不见得好多少，不是因为高兴就是因为痛苦，依然若痴若狂。一想起我得到的好意和恩惠，想起她的卓越和耐心，想起舅舅的慷慨大方，我便高兴得发狂；但是，一想到我给她们带来的种种烦恼，想到我真不该得到原谅，我又气得发疯。我多么想再见见她啊！可是现在还不能提。舅舅那么好，我不能再难为他了。这封长信还得再写下去。你该了解的情况我还没说完。昨天我没法介绍有关的细节。不过，这件事爆发得太突然，而且在某种意义上不合时宜，因此需要加以解释。正如你会断定的，上月二十六日那件事（译注：指邱吉尔太太的去世）立即给我带来了最美好的前景，尽管如此，我不该这么早就贸然采取措施，不过我当时也是情势所迫，真是一个小时都等不及了。我自己不该这么仓促行事，她也会用加倍的坚强和体贴来对待我的审慎。可是我别无选择。她匆忙接受了那个女人的聘约——写到这里，亲爱的夫人，我不得不突然停下，好使自己镇定下来。我刚在田野里散完了步，希望现在神智清醒了一些，能把信的剩余部分写得像样一些。其实，这件事想起来真叫我无地自容。我表现得很可耻。我现在可以承认，我对伍小姐的态度惹得费小姐不高兴，这是很不应该的。费小姐不赞成，这就足够了。我说这是为了掩盖真相，她认为这样的借口是不充足的。她很不高兴，我认为她犯不着这样。她在许多场合都瞻前顾后，小心翼翼，我看没有那个必要。我甚至觉得她很冷淡。但她总是对的。我要是听了她的话，把情绪克制到她认为适可而止的地步，我就能免除巨大的痛苦。我们发生了争吵。你还记得我们在当维尔度过的那个上午吗？就在那儿，以前出现的种种不满发展成了一种危机。我来晚了，碰到她一个人往家走，就想陪她一起走，可她却不肯。她断然拒绝了，我当时觉得毫无道理。不过我现在意识到，那只是很自然的、一贯的谨慎罢了。刚才为了向世人掩饰我们的订婚，我还令人作呕地去亲近另一个女人，现在怎么又要叫她做一件可能使先前的百般谨慎前功尽弃的事呢？要是有人看见我们俩一起从当维尔往海伯里走，那就一定会猜出是怎么回事。不过，我当时真是发疯了，还生起气来。我怀疑她是否还爱我，第二天在博克斯山上，我越发怀疑。我采取这样的行径，可耻而又无礼地怠慢她，明目张胆地去亲近伍小姐，这是任何有头脑的女子所无法忍受的。她被我的举动激怒了，用我完全听得懂的言词来宣泄她的愤慨。总之，亲爱的夫人，在这次争吵中，她是没有过错的，而是我大可恶了。我本来是可以跟你们待到第二天早上的，但我当晚就回里士满了，只是为了使劲跟她怄怄气。即使在那时，我也没有那么傻，不想到时候跟她和好，可我是个受了伤害的人，被她的冷淡所伤害，走的时候下定决心，要让她采取主动。你没有跟着一起去博克斯山，因此我总为自己感到庆幸。你要是看到了我在那儿的行为，我想你恐怕再也不会看得起我了。这件事促使她马上下定了决心：她一发现我真的离开了兰多尔斯，就接受了好管闲事的埃尔顿太太的提议。顺便说一句，埃尔顿太太对待她的那一套，使我又气又恨。我不能跟一个对我如此宽容的人争吵，要不然的话，我真要厉声抗议那个女人插手这件事。“简，”真不像话！你会注意到，我还没放肆到用这个名字称呼她，就连在你面前也没有。请你想一想，埃尔顿夫妇庸俗不堪地一再重复这个名字，自以为高人一等，厚颜无耻，我听了心里有多难受啊。请耐心地听我说下去，我马上就要结束了。她接受了那个提议，决心跟我彻底决裂，第二天就写信告诉我，我们永远不要再见面了。她觉得这个婚约成了双方悔恨和痛苦的根源，就把它解除了。这封信我是在可怜的舅妈去世那天早上收到的。我在一个小时内就写好了回信，可是由于心烦意乱，而且有许多事一下子落在我身上，那封信没跟当天的许多信一道发出，而给锁进了我的书桌里。虽然只是短短的几行，但我相信已经写得够清楚了，足以让她回心转意，因而我不再感到有什么不安。她没有立即回信，我感到很失望。不过，我为她找了借口，再说我也很忙——是否还可以加上？——也很乐观，没有往坏处去想。我们搬到了温莎。两天后，我收到她的一个包裹，我的信全给退回来了！同时还收到她的一封短信，说我对她上一封信只字未回，真让她万分惊奇。还说在这样一个问题上保持沉默意思是很清楚的，鉴于双方都需要尽快做好剩下的具体安排，她现在通过可靠的途径，把我所有的信退还给我，并提出要求，如果我不能在一周之内把她的信寄到海伯里，那就在那以后给她寄到：赫然出现在我眼前的，是斯莫尔里奇先生在布里斯托尔附近的住址。我熟悉这名字、这地点．熟悉与之有关的一切，立即看出了她是怎么回事。我知道她是个性情果决的人，她’那样做完全符合她的个性。她前一封信里秘而不谈这件事，同样说明她虽然着急，但是心很细。她决不愿意显得像是在威胁我。你想想我有多么震惊吧，想想我没发觉自己的过错之前，如何痛骂邮局出了差错。怎么办呢？只有一个办法：我得找舅舅谈谈。得不到舅舅的恩准，她就不可能再听我说话。我谈了，形势对我很有利。刚发生的不幸使他不那么自负了，我没料到他那么快就想通了，答应了我的事。最后，好可怜的人！他深深叹了口气说，希望我婚后能像他一样幸福。我觉得，那将是另外一种幸福。我跟他谈这件事的时候心里多么难受，悬而未决的时候心里多么焦急，你会因此而可怜我吗？不，还是等我到了海伯里，看见我把她折磨成什么样子，你再可怜我吧。等我看到她面色苍白，一副病容的时候再可怜我吧。我知道他们家早饭吃得迟，就选了这个时刻来到海伯里，心想一定可以单独跟她谈一谈。我没有失望。最后，我此行的目的也没落空。我得苦口婆心地帮她打消许多合情合理、理所当然的不快。不过，不快还是打消了，我们重归于好了，比以前爱得更深了，而且要深得多，我们之间再也不会出现一时一刻的不快。亲爱的夫入，我现在要解放你了，可我没法早一点结束。我要上千遍上千遍地感谢你对我的好意，上万遍上万遍地感谢你对她的好心关怀。如果你认为我在某种意义上不配得到这样的幸福，那我完全同意你的看法。伍小姐把我称作幸运的宠儿。我想她说得对。就一方面而言，我的幸运是毋庸置疑的，那就是我可以把自己称作
你的感恩的、亲爱的儿子
弗-邱·韦斯顿-邱吉尔
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respite
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| n.休息，中止，暂缓 | |
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exquisite
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| adj.精美的；敏锐的；剧烈的，感觉强烈的 | |
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shrubs
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| 灌木( shrub的名词复数 ) | |
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attentive
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| adj.注意的，专心的；关心(别人)的，殷勤的 | |
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impending
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| a.imminent, about to come or happen | |
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subdued
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| adj. 屈服的，柔和的，减弱的 动词subdue的过去式和过去分词 | |
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sleepless
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| adj.不睡眠的，睡不著的，不休息的 | |
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alloy
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| n.合金，(金属的)成色 | |
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parley
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| n.谈判 | |
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divested
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| v.剥夺( divest的过去式和过去分词 )；脱去（衣服）；2。从…取去…；1。（给某人）脱衣服 | |
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distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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averting
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| 防止，避免( avert的现在分词 )； 转移 | |
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literally
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| adv.照字面意义，逐字地；确实 | |
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inclination
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| n.倾斜；点头；弯腰；斜坡；倾度；倾向；爱好 | |
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wan
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| (wide area network)广域网 | |
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incapable
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| adj.无能力的，不能做某事的 | |
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waded
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| （从水、泥等）蹚，走过，跋( wade的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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ushered
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| v.引，领，陪同( usher的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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affected
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| adj.不自然的，假装的 | |
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intelligible
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| adj.可理解的，明白易懂的，清楚的 | |
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humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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concealment
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| n.隐藏, 掩盖，隐瞒 | |
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caviller
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| n.提出令人为难的问题的人 | |
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casements
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| n.窗扉( casement的名词复数 ) | |
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perseverance
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| n.坚持不懈，不屈不挠 | |
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blessing
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| n.祈神赐福；祷告；祝福，祝愿 | |
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blessings
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| n.（上帝的）祝福( blessing的名词复数 )；好事；福分；因祸得福 | |
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disposition
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| n.性情，性格；意向，倾向；排列，部署 | |
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compassion
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| n.同情，怜悯 | |
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reprehension
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| n.非难，指责 | |
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solicitous
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| adj.热切的，挂念的 | |
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humiliation
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| n.羞辱 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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censure
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| v./n.责备；非难；责难 | |
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intimacy
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| n.熟悉，亲密，密切关系，亲昵的言行 | |
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immediate
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| adj.立即的；直接的，最接近的；紧靠的 | |
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ostensible
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| adj.(指理由)表面的，假装的 | |
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indifference
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| n.不感兴趣，不关心，冷淡，不在乎 | |
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amiable
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| adj.和蔼可亲的，友善的，亲切的 | |
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delightful
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| adj.令人高兴的，使人快乐的 | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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expiration
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| n.终结，期满，呼气，呼出物 | |
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surmised
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| v.臆测，推断( surmise的过去式和过去分词 )；揣测；猜想 | |
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penetrated
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| adj. 击穿的，鞭辟入里的 动词penetrate的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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gratitude
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| adj.感激，感谢 | |
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extenuation
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| n.减轻罪孽的借口；酌情减轻；细 | |
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acquit
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| vt.宣判无罪；(oneself)使(自己)表现出 | |
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procure
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| vt.获得，取得，促成；vi.拉皮条 | |
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thither
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| adv.向那里；adj.在那边的，对岸的 | |
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delicacy
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| n.精致，细微，微妙，精良；美味，佳肴 | |
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thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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dread
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| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
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misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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excellence
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| n.优秀，杰出，(pl.)优点，美德 | |
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generosity
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| n.大度，慷慨，慷慨的行为 | |
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recollect
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| v.回忆，想起，记起，忆起，记得 | |
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prospects
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| n.希望，前途(恒为复数) | |
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scruple
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| n./v.顾忌，迟疑 | |
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refinement
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| n.文雅；高尚；精美；精制；精炼 | |
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abruptly
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| adv.突然地，出其不意地 | |
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mortifying
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| adj.抑制的，苦修的v.使受辱( mortify的现在分词 )；伤害（人的感情）；克制；抑制（肉体、情感等） | |
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retrospect
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| n.回顾，追溯；v.回顾，回想，追溯 | |
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shameful
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| adj.可耻的，不道德的 | |
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shamefully
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| 可耻地； 丢脸地； 不体面地； 羞耻地 | |
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disapproved
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| v.不赞成( disapprove的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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concealing
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| v.隐藏，隐瞒，遮住( conceal的现在分词 ) | |
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displeased
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| a.不快的 | |
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unreasonably
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| adv. 不合理地 | |
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scrupulous
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| adj.审慎的，小心翼翼的，完全的，纯粹的 | |
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judgment
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| n.审判；判断力，识别力，看法，意见 | |
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unreasonable
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| adj.不讲道理的，不合情理的，过度的 | |
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discretion
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| n.谨慎；随意处理 | |
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insolent
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| adj.傲慢的，无理的 | |
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resentment
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| n.怨愤，忿恨 | |
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abominable
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| adj.可厌的，令人憎恶的 | |
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determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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hatred
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| n.憎恶，憎恨，仇恨 | |
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insolence
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| n.傲慢；无礼；厚颜；傲慢的态度 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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repentance
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| n.懊悔 | |
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captious
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| adj.难讨好的，吹毛求疵的 | |
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conveyance
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| n.(不动产等的)转让，让与；转让证书；传送；运送；表达；（正）运输工具 | |
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secrecy
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| n.秘密，保密，隐蔽 | |
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raved
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| v.胡言乱语( rave的过去式和过去分词 )；愤怒地说；咆哮；痴心地说 | |
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softened
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| （使）变软( soften的过去式和过去分词 )； 缓解打击； 缓和； 安慰 | |
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86
suspense
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| n.（对可能发生的事）紧张感，担心，挂虑 | |
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dictate
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| v.口授；(使)听写；指令，指示，命令 | |
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subscribe
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| vi.(to)订阅，订购；同意；vt.捐助，赞助 | |
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