WHEN I WOKE UP IN THE MORNING, IT WAS VERY bright — even inside the tent, the sunlight hurt my eyes. AndI was sweating, as Jacob had predicted. Jacob was snoring lightly in my ear, his arms still wrapped aroundme.
I pulled my head away from his feverishly1 warm chest and felt the sting of the cold morning on my clammycheek. Jacob sighed in his sleep; his arms tightened2 unconsciously.
I squirmed, unable to loosen his hold, struggling to lift my head enough to see. . . .
Edward met my gaze evenly. His expression was calm, but the pain in his eyes was unconcealed.
“Is it any warmer out there?” I whispered.
“Yes. I don’t think the space heater will be necessary today.”
I tried to get to the zipper3, but I couldn’t free my arms. I strained, fighting against Jacob’s inert4 strength.
Jacob muttered, still fast asleep, his arms constricting5 again.
“Some help?” I asked quietly.
Edward smiled. “Did you want me to take his arms all the way off?”
“No, thank you. Just get me free. I’m going to get heat stroke.”
Edward unzipped the sleeping bag in a swift, abrupt6 movement. Jacob fell out, his bare back hitting the icyfloor of the tent.
“Hey!” he complained, his eyes flying open. Instinctively7, he flinched8 away from the cold, rolling onto me. Igasped as his weight knocked the breath out of me.
And then his weight was gone. I felt the impact as Jacob flew into one of the tent poles and the tentshuddered.
The growling11 erupted from all around. Edward was crouching12 in front of me, and I couldn’t see his face,but the snarls13 were ripping angrily out of his chest. Jacob was half-crouched, too, his whole body quivering,while growls14 rumbled15 through his clenched16 teeth. Outside the tent, Seth Clearwater’s vicious snarls echoed offthe rocks.
“Stop it, stop it!” I yelled, scrambling17 awkwardly to put myself between them. The space was so small thatI didn’t have to stretch far to put one hand on each of their chests. Edward wrapped his hand around mywaist, ready to yank me out of the way.
“Stop it, now,” I warned him.
Under my touch, Jacob began to calm himself. The shaking slowed, but his teeth were still bared, his eyesfuriously focused on Edward. Seth continued to growl10, a long unbroken sound, a violent background to thesudden silence in the tent.
“Jacob?” I asked, waiting until he finally dropped his glare to look at me. “Are you hurt?”
I turned to Edward. He was looking at me, his expression hard and angry. “That wasn’t nice. You shouldsay sorry.”
His eyes widened in disgust. “You must be joking — he was crushing you!”
“Because you dumped him on the floor! He didn’t do it on purpose, and he didn’t hurt me.”
Edward groaned19, revolted. Slowly, he looked up to glare at Jacob with hostile eyes. “My apologies, dog.”
“No harm done,” Jacob said, a taunting20 edge to his voice.
It was still cold, though not as cold as it had been. I curled my arms around my chest.
“Here,” Edward said, calm again. He took the parka off the floor and wrapped it over the top of my coat.
“That’s Jacob’s,” I objected.
“Jacob has a fur coat,” Edward hinted.
“I’ll just use the sleeping bag again, if you don’t mind.” Jacob ignored him, climbing around us and slidinginto the down bag. “I wasn’t quite ready to wake up. That wasn’t the best night’s sleep I ever had.”
“It was your idea,” Edward said impassively.
Jacob was curled up, his eyes already closed. He yawned. “I didn’t say it wasn’t the best night I’ve ever spent. Just that I didn’t get a lot of sleep. I thought Bella was never going to shut up.”
I winced21, wondering what might have come out of my mouth in my sleep. The possibilities were horrifying22.
“I’m glad you enjoyed yourself,” Edward murmured.
Jacob’s dark eyes fluttered open. “Didn’t you have a nice night, then?” he asked, smug.
“It wasn’t the worst night of my life.”
“Did it make the top ten?” Jacob asked with perverse23 enjoyment24.
“Possibly.”
Jacob smiled and closed his eyes.
“But,” Edward went on, “if I had been able to take your place last night, it would not have made the topten of the best nights of my life. Dream about that.”
Jacob’s eyes opened into a glare. He sat up stiffly, his shoulders tense.
“You know what? I think it’s too crowded in here.”
“I couldn’t agree more.”
I elbowed Edward in the ribs25 — probably giving myself a bruise26.
“Guess I’ll catch up on my sleep later, then.” Jacob made a face. “I need to talk to Sam anyway.”
He rolled to his knees and grabbed the door’s zipper.
Pain crackled down my spine27 and lodged28 in my stomach as I abruptly29 realized that this could be the lasttime I would see him. He was going back to Sam, back to fight the horde30 of bloodthirsty newborn vampires31.
“Jake, wait —” I reached after him, my hand sliding down his arm.
He jerked his arm away before my fingers could find purchase.
“Please, Jake? Won’t you stay?”
“No.”
The word was hard and cold. I knew my face gave away my pain, because he exhaled32 and half a smilesoftened his expression.
“Don’t worry about me, Bells. I’ll be fine, just like I always am.” He forced a laugh. “’Sides, you think I’mgoing to let Seth go in my place — have all the fun and steal all the glory? Right.” He snorted.
“Be careful —”
He shoved out of the tent before I could finish.
“Give it a rest, Bella,” I heard him mutter as he re-zipped the door.
I listened for the sound of his retreating footsteps, but it was perfectly33 still. No more wind. I could hearmorning birdsong far away on the mountain, and nothing else. Jacob moved in silence now.
I huddled34 in my coats, and leaned against Edward’s shoulder. We were quiet for a long time.
“How much longer?” I asked.
“Alice told Sam it should be an hour or so,” Edward said, soft and bleak35.
“We stay together. No matter what.”
“No matter what,” he agreed, his eyes tight.
“I know,” I said. “I’m terrified for them, too.”
“They know how to handle themselves,” Edward assured me, purposely making his voice light. “I just hatemissing the fun.”
Again with the fun. My nostrils36 flared37.
He put his arm around my shoulder. “Don’t worry,” he urged, and then he kissed my forehead.
As if there was any way to avoid that. “Sure, sure.”
“Do you want me to distract you?” He breathed, running his cold fingers along my cheekbone.
I shivered involuntarily; the morning was still frosty.
“Maybe not right now,” he answered himself, pulling his hand away.
“There are other ways to distract me.”
“What would you like?”
“You could tell me about your ten best nights,” I suggested. “I’m curious.”
He laughed. “Try to guess.”
I shook my head. “There’re too many nights I don’t know about. A century of them.”
“I’ll narrow it down for you. All of my best nights have happened since I met you.”
“Really?”
“Yes, really — and by quite a wide margin38, too.”
I thought for a minute. “I can only think of mine,” I admitted.
“They might be the same,” he encouraged.
“Well, there was the first night. The night you stayed.”
“Yes, that’s one of mine, too. Of course, you were unconscious for my favorite part.”
“That’s right,” I remembered. “I was talking that night, too.”
“Yes,” he agreed.
My face got hot as I wondered again what I might have said while sleeping in Jacob’s arms. I couldn’tremember what I’d dreamed about, or if I’d dreamed at all, so that was no help.
“What did I say last night?” I whispered more quietly than before.
He shrugged39 instead of answering, and I winced.
“That bad?”
“Nothing too horrible,” he sighed.
“Please tell me.”
“Mostly you said my name, the same as usual.”
“That’s not bad,” I agreed cautiously.
“Near the end, though, you started mumbling40 some nonsense about ‘Jacob, my Jacob.’” I could hear thepain, even in the whisper. “Your Jacob enjoyed that quite a lot.”
I stretched my neck up, straining to reach my lips to the edge of his jaw41. I couldn’t see into his eyes. Hewas staring up at the ceiling of the tent.
“Sorry,” I murmured. “That’s just the way I differentiate42.”
“Differentiate?”
“Between Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Between the Jacob I like and the one who annoys the hell out of me,”
I explained.
“That makes sense.” He sounded slightly mollified. “Tell me another favorite night.”
“Flying home from Italy.”
He frowned.
“Is that not one of yours?” I wondered.
“No, it is one of mine, actually, but I’m surprised it’s on your list. Weren’t you under the ludicrousimpression I was just acting43 from a guilty conscience, and I was going to bolt as soon as the plane doorsopened?”
“Yes.” I smiled. “But, still, you were there.”
He kissed my hair. “You love me more than I deserve.”
I laughed at the impossibility of that idea. “Next would be the night after Italy,” I continued.
“Yes, that’s on the list. You were so funny.”
“Funny?” I objected.
“I had no idea your dreams were so vivid. It took me forever to convince you that you were awake.”
“I’m still not sure,” I muttered. “You’ve always seemed more like a dream than reality. Tell me one ofyours, now. Did I guess your first place?”
“No — that would be two nights ago, when you finally agreed to marry me.”
I made a face.
“That doesn’t make your list?”
I thought about the way he’d kissed me, the concession44 I’d gained, and changed my mind. “Yes . . . itdoes. But with reservations. I don’t understand why it’s so important to you. You already had me forever.”
“A hundred years from now, when you’ve gained enough perspective to really appreciate the answer, Iwill explain it to you.”
“I’ll remind you to explain — in a hundred years.”
“Are you warm enough?” he asked suddenly.
“I’m fine,” I assured him. “Why?”
Before he could answer, the silence outside the tent was ripped apart by an earsplitting howl of pain. Thesound ricocheted off the bare rock face of the mountain and filled the air so that it seared from every direction.
The howl tore through my mind like a tornado45, both strange and familiar. Strange because I’d never heard such a tortured cry before. Familiar because I knew the voice at once — I recognized the sound andunderstood the meaning as perfectly as if I’d uttered it myself. It made no difference that Jacob was not humanwhen he cried out. I needed no translation.
Jacob was close. Jacob had heard every word we’d said. Jacob was in agony.
The howl choked off into a peculiar47 gurgled sob48, and then it was quiet again.
I did not hear his silent escape, but I could feel it — I could feel the absence I had wrongly assumedbefore, the empty space he left behind.
“Because your space heater has reached his limit,” Edward answered quietly. “Truce over,” he added, solow I couldn’t be sure that was really what he’d said.
“Jacob was listening,” I whispered. It wasn’t a question.
“Yes.”
“You knew.”
“Yes.”
I stared at nothing, seeing nothing.
“I never promised to fight fair,” he reminded me quietly. “And he deserves to know.”
My head fell into my hands.
“Are you angry with me?” he asked.
“Not you,” I whispered. “I’m horrified49 at me.”
“Don’t torment50 yourself,” he pleaded.
“Yes,” I agreed bitterly. “I should save my energy to torment Jacob some more. I wouldn’t want to leaveany part of him unharmed.”
“He knew what he was doing.”
“Do you think that matters?” I was blinking back tears, and this was easy to hear in my voice. “Do youthink I care whether it’s fair or whether he was adequately warned? I’m hurting him. Every time I turnaround, I’m hurting him again.” My voice was getting louder, more hysterical51. “I’m a hideous52 person.”
He wrapped his arms tightly around me. “No, you’re not.”
“I am! What’s wrong with me?” I struggled against his arms, and he let them drop. “I have to go find him.”
“Bella, he’s already miles away, and it’s cold.”
“I don’t care. I can’t just sit here.” I shrugged off Jacob’s parka, shoved my feet into my boots, andcrawled stiffly to the door; my legs felt numb53. “I have to — I have to . . .” I didn’t know how to finishthesentence, didn’t know what there was to do, but I unzipped the door anyway, and climbed out into the bright,icy morning.
There was less snow than I would have thought after the fury of last night’s storm. Probably it had blownaway rather than melted in the sun that now shone low in the southeast, glancing off the snow that lingered andstabbing at my unadjusted eyes. The air still had a bite to it, but it was dead calm and slowly becoming moreseasonable as the sun rose higher.
Seth Clearwater was curled up on a patch of dry pine needles in the shadow of a thick spruce, his head onhis paws. His sand-colored fur was almost invisible against the dead needles, but I could see the bright snowreflect off his open eyes. He was staring at me with what I imagined was an accusation54.
I knew Edward was following me as I stumbled toward the trees. I couldn’t hear him, but the sun reflectedoff his skin in glittering rainbows that danced ahead of me. He didn’t reach out to stop me until I was severalpaces into the forest shadows.
His hand caught my left wrist. He ignored it when I tried to yank myself free.
“You can’t go after him. Not today. It’s almost time. And getting yourself lost wouldn’t help anyone,regardless.”
I twisted my wrist, pulling uselessly.
“I’m sorry, Bella,” he whispered. “I’m sorry I did that.”
“You didn’t do anything. It’s my fault. I did this. I did everything wrong. I could have . . . When he . . . Ishouldn’t have . . . I . . . I . . .” I was sobbing55.
“Bella, Bella.”
His arms folded around me, and my tears soaked into his shirt.
“I should have — told him — I should — have said —” What? What could have made this right? “He shouldn’t have — found out like this.”
“Do you want me to see if I can bring him back, so that you can talk to him? There’s still a little time,”
Edward murmured, hushed agony in his voice.
I nodded into his chest, afraid to see his face.
“Stay by the tent. I’ll be back soon.”
His arms disappeared. He left so quickly that, in the second it took me to look up, he was already gone. Iwas alone.
A new sob broke from my chest. I was hurting everyone today. Was there anything I touched that didn’tget spoiled?
I didn’t know why it was hitting me so hard now. It wasn’t like I hadn’t known this was coming all along.
But Jacob had never reacted so strongly — lost his bold overconfidence and shown the intensity56 of his pain.
The sound of his agony still cut at me, somewhere deep in my chest. Right beside it was the other pain. Painfor feeling pain over Jacob. Pain for hurting Edward, too. For not being able to watch Jacob go withcomposure, knowing that it was the right thing, the only way.
I was selfish, I was hurtful. I tortured the ones I loved.
I was like Cathy, like Wuthering Heights, only my options were so much better than hers, neither oneevil, neither one weak. And here I sat, crying about it, not doing anything productive to make it right. Just likeCathy.
I couldn’t allow what hurt me to influence my decisions anymore. It was too little, much too late, but I hadto do what was right now. Maybe it was already done for me. Maybe Edward would not be able to bring himback. And then I would accept that and get on with my life. Edward would never see me shed another tear forJacob Black. There would be no more tears. I wiped the last of them away with cold fingers now.
But if Edward did return with Jacob, that was it. I had to tell him to go away and never come back.
Why was that so hard? So very much more difficult than saying goodbye to my other friends, to Angela, toMike? Why did that hurt? It wasn’t right. That shouldn’t be able to hurt me. I had what I wanted. I couldn’thave them both, because Jacob could not be just my friend. It was time to give up wishing for that. Howridiculously greedy could any one person be?
I had to get over this irrational57 feeling that Jacob belonged in my life. He couldn’t belong with me, couldnot be my Jacob, when I belonged to someone else.
I walked slowly back to the little clearing, my feet dragging. When I broke into the open space, blinkingagainst the sharp light, I threw one quick glance toward Seth — he hadn’t moved from his bed of pine needles— and then looked away, avoiding his eyes.
I could feel that my hair was wild, twisted into clumps58 like Medusa’s snakes. I yanked through it with myfingers, and then gave up quickly. Who cared what I looked like, anyway?
I grabbed the canteen hanging beside the tent door and shook it. It sloshed wetly, so I unscrewed the lidand took a swig to rinse59 my mouth with the ice water. There was food somewhere nearby, but I didn’t feelhungry enough to look for it. I started pacing across the bright little space, feeling Seth’s eyes on me the wholetime. Because I wouldn’t look at him, in my head he became the boy again, rather than the gigantic wolf. Somuch like a younger Jacob.
I wanted to ask Seth to bark or give some other sign if Jacob was coming back, but I stopped myself. Itdidn’t matter if Jacob came back. It might be easier if he didn’t. I wished I had some way to call Edward.
Seth whined60 at that moment, and got to his feet.
“What is it?” I asked him stupidly.
He ignored me, trotting61 to the edge of the trees, and pointing his nose toward the west. He beganwhimpering.
“Is it the others, Seth?” I demanded. “In the clearing?”
He looked at me and yelped62 softly once, and then turned his nose alertly back to the west. His ears laidback and he whined again.
Why was I such a fool? What was I thinking, sending Edward away? How was I supposed to know whatwas going on? I didn’t speak wolf.
A cold trickle63 of fear began to ooze64 down my spine. What if the time had run out? What if Jacob andEdward got too close? What if Edward decided65 to join in the fight?
The icy fear pooled inmy stomach. What if Seth’s distress66 had nothing to do with the clearing, and hisyelp had been a denial? What if Jacob and Edward were fighting with each other, far away somewhere in theforest? They wouldn’t do that, would they?
With sudden, chilling certainty I realized that they would — if the wrong words were said. I thought of thetense standoff in the tent this morning, and I wondered if I’d underestimated how close it had come to a fight.
It would be no more than I deserved if I somehow lost them both.
The ice locked around my heart.
Before I could collapse67 with fear, Seth grumbled68 slightly, deep in his chest, and then turned away from hiswatch and sauntered back toward his resting place. It calmed me, but irritated me. Couldn’t he scratch amessage in the dirt or something?
The pacing was starting to make me sweat under all my layers. I threw my jacket into the tent, and then Iwent back to wearing a path across the center of the tiny break in the trees.
Seth jumped to his feet again suddenly, the hackles on the back of his neck standing69 up stiffly. I lookedaround, but saw nothing. If Seth didn’t cut it out, I was going to throw a pinecone at him.
He growled70, a low warning sound, slinking back toward the western rim71, and I rethought my impatience72.
“It’s just us, Seth,” Jacob called from a distance.
I tried to explain to myself why my heart kicked into fourth gear when I heard him. It was just fear of whatI was going to have to do now, that was all. I could not allow myself to be relieved that he’d come back. Thatwould be the opposite of helpful.
Edward walked into view first, his face blank and smooth. When he stepped out from the shadows, thesun shimmered73 on his skin like it did on the snow. Seth went to greet him, looking intently into his eyes.
Edward nodded slowly, and worry creased74 his forehead.
“Yes, that’s all we need,” he muttered to himself before addressing the big wolf. “I suppose we shouldn’tbe surprised. But the timing75 is going to be very close. Please have Sam ask Alice to try to nail the scheduledown better.”
Seth dipped his head once, and I wished I was able to growl. Sure, he could nod now. I turned my head,annoyed, and realized that Jacob was there.
He had his back to me, facing the way he’d come. I waited warily76 for him to turn around.
“Bella,” Edward murmured, suddenly right beside me. He stared down at me with nothing but concernshowing in his eyes. There was no end to his generosity77. I deserved him now less than I ever had.
“There’s a bit of a complication,” he told me, his voice carefully unworried. “I’m going to take Seth a littleways away and try to straighten it out. I won’t go far, but I won’t listen, either. I know you don’t want anaudience, no matter which way you decide to go.”
Only at the very end did the pain break into his voice.
I had to never hurt him again. That would be my mission in life. Never again would I be the reason for thislook to come into his eyes.
I was too upset to even ask him what the new problem was. I didn’t need anything else right now.
“Hurry back,” I whispered.
He kissed me lightly on the lips, and then disappeared into the forest with Seth at his side.
Jacob was still in the shadow of the trees; I couldn’t see his expression clearly.
“I’m in a hurry, Bella,” he said in a dull voice. “Why don’t you get it over with?”
I swallowed, my throat suddenly so dry I wasn’t sure if I could make sound come out.
“Just say the words, and be done with it.”
I took a deep breath.
“I’m sorry I’m such a rotten person,” I whispered. “I’m sorry I’ve been so selfish. I wish I’d never metyou, so I couldn’t hurt you the way I have. I won’t do it anymore, I promise. I’ll stay far away from you. I’llmove out of the state. You won’t have to look at me ever again.”
“That’s not much of an apology,” he said bitterly.
I couldn’t make my voice louder than a whisper. “Tell me how to do it right.”
“What if I don’t want you to go away? What if I’d rather you stayed, selfish or not? Don’t I get any say, ifyou’re trying to make things up to me?”
“That won’t help anything, Jake. It was wrong to stay with you when we wanted such different things. It’s not going to get better. I’ll just keep hurting you. I don’t want to hurt you anymore. I hate it.” My voice broke.
He sighed. “Stop. You don’t have to say anything else. I understand.”
I wanted to tell him how much I would miss him, but I bit my tongue. That would not help anything, either.
He stood quietly for a moment, staring at the ground, and I fought against the urge to go and put my armsaround him. To comfort him.
And then his head snapped up.
“Well, you’re not the only one capable of self-sacrifice,” he said, his voice stronger. “Two can play at thatgame.”
“What?”
“I’ve behaved pretty badly myself. I’ve made this much harder for you than I needed to. I could havegiven up with good grace in the beginning. But I hurt you, too.”
“This is my fault.”
“I won’t let you claim all the blame here, Bella. Or all the glory either. I know how to redeem78 myself.”
“What are you talking about?” I demanded. The sudden, frenzied79 light in his eyes frightened me.
He glanced up at the sun and then smiled at me. “There’s a pretty serious fight brewing80 down there. Idon’t think it will be that difficult to take myself out of the picture.”
His words sank into my brain, slowly, one by one, and I couldn’t breathe. Despite all my intentions to cutJacob out of mylife completely, I didn’t realize until that precise second exactly how deep the knife wouldhave to go to do it.
“Oh, no, Jake! No, no no no,” I choked out in horror. “No, Jake, no. Please, no.” My knees began totremble.
“What’s the difference, Bella? This will only make it more convenient for everyone. You won’t even haveto move.”
“No!” My voice got louder. “No, Jacob! I won’t let you!”
“How will you stop me?” he taunted81 lightly, smiling to take the sting out of his tone.
“Jacob, I’m begging you. Stay with me.” I would have fallen to my knees, if I could have moved at all.
“For fifteen minutes while I miss a good brawl82? So that you can run away from me as soon as you thinkI’m safe again? You’ve got to be kidding.”
“I won’t run away. I’ve changed my mind. We’ll work something out, Jacob. There’s always acompromise. Don’t go!”
“You’re lying.”
“I’m not. You know what a terrible liar46 I am. Look in my eyes. I’ll stay if you do.”
His face hardened. “And I can be your best man at the wedding?”
It was a moment before I could speak, and still the only answer I could give him was, “Please.”
“That’s what I thought,” he said, his face going calm again, but for the turbulent light in his eyes.
“I love you, Bella,” he murmured.
“I love you, Jacob,” I whispered brokenly.
He smiled. “I know that better than you do.”
He turned to walk away.
“Anything,” I called after him in a strangled voice. “Anything you want, Jacob. Just don’t do this!”
He paused, turning slowly.
“I don’t really think you mean that.”
“Stay,” I begged.
He shook his head. “No, I’m going.” He paused, as if deciding something. “But I could leave it to fate.”
“What do you mean?” I choked out.
“I don’t have to do anything deliberate — I could just do my best for my pack and let what happenshappen.” He shrugged. “If you could convince me you really did want me to come back — more than youwanted to do the selfless thing.”
“How?” I asked.
“You could ask me,” he suggested.
“Come back,” I whispered. How could he doubt that I meant it?
He shook his head, smiling again. “That’s not what I’m talking about.”
It took me a second to grasp what he was saying, and all the while he was looking at me with this superiorexpression — so sure of my reaction. As soon as the realization83 hit, though, I blurted84 out the words withoutstopping to count the cost.
“Will you kiss me, Jacob?”
His eyes widened in surprise, then narrowed suspiciously. “You’re bluffing85.”
“Kiss me, Jacob. Kiss me, and then come back.”
He hesitated in the shadow, warring with himself. He half-turned again to the west, his torso twisting awayfrom me while his feet stayed planted where they were. Still looking away, he took one uncertain step in mydirection, and then another. He swung his face around to look at me, his eyes doubtful.
I stared back. I had no idea what expression was on my face.
Jacob rocked back on his heels, and then lurched forward, closing the distance between us in three longstrides.
I knew he would take advantage of the situation. I expected it. I held very still — my eyes closed, myfingers curled into fists at my sides — as his hands caught my face and his lips found mine with an eagernessthat was not far from violence.
I could feel his anger as his mouth discovered my passive resistance. One hand moved to the nape of myneck, twisting into a fist around the roots of my hair. The other hand grabbed roughly at my shoulder, shakingme, then dragging me to him. His hand continued down my arm, finding my wrist and pulling my arm uparound his neck. I left it there, my hand still tightly balled up, unsure how far I could go in my desperation tokeep him alive. All the while his lips, disconcertingly soft and warm, tried to force a response out of mine.
As soon as he was sure I wouldn’t drop my arm, he freed my wrist, his hand feeling its way down to mywaist. His burning hand found the skin at the small of my back, and he yanked me forward, bowing my bodyagainst his.
His lips gave up on mine for a moment, but I knew he was nowhere close to finished. His mouth followedthe line of my jaw, and then explored the length of my neck. He freed my hair, reaching for my other arm todraw it around his neck like the first.
Then both of his arms were constricted86 around my waist, and his lips found my ear.
“You can do better than this, Bella,” he whispered huskily. “You’re overthinking it.”
I shivered as I felt his teeth graze my earlobe.
“That’s right,” he murmured. “For once, just let yourself feel what you feel.”
I shook my head mechanically until one of his hands wound back into my hair and stopped me.
His voice turned acidic. “Are you sure you want me to come back? Or did you really want me to die?”
Anger rocked through me like the whiplash after a heavy punch. That was too much — he wasn’t fightingfair.
My arms were already around his neck, so I grabbed two fistfuls of his hair — ignoring the stabbing painin my right hand — and fought back, struggling to pull my face away from his.
And Jacob misunderstood.
He was too strong to recognize that my hands, trying to yank his hair out by the roots, meant to cause himpain. Instead of anger, he imagined passion. He thought I was finally responding to him.
With a wild gasp9, he brought his mouth back to mine, his fingers clutching frantically87 against the skin at mywaist.
The jolt88 of anger unbalanced my tenuous89 hold on self-control; his unexpected, ecstatic response overthrewit entirely90. If there had been only triumph, I might have been able to resist him. But the utter defenselessness ofhis sudden joy cracked my determination, disabled it. My brain disconnected from my body, and I was kissinghim back. Against all reason, my lips were movingwith his in strange, confusing ways they’d never movedbefore — because I didn’t have to be careful with Jacob, and he certainly wasn’t being careful with me.
My fingers tightened in his hair, but I was pulling him closer now.
He was everywhere. The piercing sunlight turned my eyelids91 red, and the color fit, matched the heat. Theheat was everywhere. I couldn’t see or hear or feel anything that wasn’t Jacob.
The tiny piece of my brain that retained sanity92 screamed questions at me.
Why wasn’t I stopping this? Worse than that, why couldn’t I find inmyself even the desire to want tostop? What did it mean that I didn’t want him to stop? That my hands clung to his shoulders, and liked that they were wide and strong? That his hands pulled me too tight against his body, and yet it was not tight enoughfor me?
The questions were stupid, because I knew the answer: I’d been lying to myself.
Jacob was right. He’d been right all along. He was more than just my friend. That’s why it was soimpossible to tell him goodbye — because I was in love with him. Too. I loved him, much more than I should,and yet, still nowhere near enough. I was in love with him, but it was not enough to change anything; it wasonly enough to hurt us both more. To hurt him worse than I ever had.
I didn’t care about more than that — than his pain. I more than deserved whatever pain this caused me. Ihoped it was bad. I hoped I would really suffer.
In this moment, it felt as though we were the same person. His pain had always been and would always bemy pain — now his joy was my joy. I felt joy, too, and yet his happiness was somehow also pain. Almosttangible — it burned against my skin like acid, a slow torture.
For one brief, never-ending second, an entirely different path expanded behind the lids of my tear-weteyes. As if I were looking through the filter of Jacob’s thoughts, I could see exactly what I was going to giveup, exactly what this new self-knowledge would not save me from losing. I could see Charlie and Renéemixed into a strange collage93 with Billy and Sam and La Push. I could see years passing, and meaningsomething as they passed, changing me. I could see the enormous red-brown wolf that I loved, alwaysstanding as protector if I needed him. For the tiniest fragment of that second, I saw the bobbing heads of twosmall, black-haired children, running away from me into the familiar forest. When they disappeared, they tookthe rest of the vision with them.
And then, quite distinctly, I felt the splintering along the fissure94 line in my heart as the smaller partwrenched itself away from the whole.
Jacob’s lips were still before mine were. I opened my eyes and he was staring at me with wonder andelation.
“I have to leave,” he whispered.
“No.”
He smiled, pleased by my response. “I won’t be long,” he promised. “But one thing first . . .”
He bent95 to kiss me again, and there was no reason to resist. What would be the point?
This time was different. His hands were soft on my face and his warm lips were gentle, unexpectedlyhesitant. It was brief, and very, very sweet.
His arms curled around me, and he hugged me securely while he whispered in my ear.
“That should have been our first kiss. Better late than never.”
Against his chest, where he couldn’t see, the tears welled up and spilled over.
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feverishly
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| adv. 兴奋地 | |
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tightened
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| 收紧( tighten的过去式和过去分词 )； （使）变紧； （使）绷紧； 加紧 | |
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zipper
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| n.拉链；v.拉上拉链 | |
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inert
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| adj.无活动能力的，惰性的；迟钝的 | |
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constricting
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| 压缩，压紧，使收缩( constrict的现在分词 ) | |
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abrupt
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| adj.突然的，意外的；唐突的，鲁莽的 | |
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instinctively
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| adv.本能地 | |
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flinched
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| v.（因危险和痛苦）退缩，畏惧( flinch的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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gasp
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| n.喘息，气喘；v.喘息；气吁吁他说 | |
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growl
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| v.（狗等）嗥叫，（炮等）轰鸣；n.嗥叫，轰鸣 | |
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growling
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| n.吠声, 咆哮声 v.怒吠, 咆哮, 吼 | |
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crouching
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| v.屈膝，蹲伏( crouch的现在分词 ) | |
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snarls
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| n.（动物的）龇牙低吼( snarl的名词复数 )；愤怒叫嚷（声）；咆哮（声）；疼痛叫声v.（指狗）吠，嗥叫， （人）咆哮( snarl的第三人称单数 )；咆哮着说，厉声地说 | |
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growls
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| v.（动物）发狺狺声， （雷）作隆隆声( growl的第三人称单数 )；低声咆哮着说 | |
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rumbled
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| 发出隆隆声，发出辘辘声( rumble的过去式和过去分词 )； 轰鸣着缓慢行进； 发现…的真相； 看穿（阴谋） | |
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clenched
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| v.紧握，抓紧，咬紧( clench的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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scrambling
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| v.快速爬行( scramble的现在分词 )；攀登；争夺；（军事飞机）紧急起飞 | |
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hissed
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| 发嘶嘶声( hiss的过去式和过去分词 )； 发嘘声表示反对 | |
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groaned
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| v.呻吟( groan的过去式和过去分词 )；发牢骚；抱怨；受苦 | |
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taunting
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| 嘲讽( taunt的现在分词 )； 嘲弄； 辱骂； 奚落 | |
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winced
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| 赶紧避开，畏缩( wince的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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horrifying
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| a.令人震惊的，使人毛骨悚然的 | |
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perverse
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| adj.刚愎的；坚持错误的，行为反常的 | |
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enjoyment
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| n.乐趣；享有；享用 | |
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ribs
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| n.肋骨( rib的名词复数 )；（船或屋顶等的）肋拱；肋骨状的东西；（织物的）凸条花纹 | |
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bruise
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| n.青肿，挫伤；伤痕；vt.打青；挫伤 | |
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spine
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| n.脊柱，脊椎；(动植物的)刺；书脊 | |
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lodged
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| v.存放( lodge的过去式和过去分词 )；暂住；埋入；（权利、权威等）归属 | |
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abruptly
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| adv.突然地，出其不意地 | |
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horde
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| n.群众，一大群 | |
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vampires
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| n.吸血鬼( vampire的名词复数 )；吸血蝠；高利贷者；（舞台上的）活板门 | |
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exhaled
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| v.呼出，发散出( exhale的过去式和过去分词 )；吐出（肺中的空气、烟等），呼气 | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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huddled
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| 挤在一起（huddle的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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bleak
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| adj.(天气)阴冷的；凄凉的；暗淡的 | |
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nostrils
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| 鼻孔( nostril的名词复数 ) | |
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Flared
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| adj. 端部张开的, 爆发的, 加宽的, 漏斗式的 动词flare的过去式和过去分词 | |
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margin
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| n.页边空白；差额；余地，余裕；边，边缘 | |
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shrugged
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| vt.耸肩（shrug的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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mumbling
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| 含糊地说某事，叽咕，咕哝( mumble的现在分词 ) | |
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jaw
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| n.颚，颌，说教，流言蜚语；v.喋喋不休，教训 | |
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differentiate
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| vi.(between)区分；vt.区别；使不同 | |
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acting
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| n.演戏，行为，假装；adj.代理的，临时的，演出用的 | |
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concession
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| n.让步，妥协；特许(权) | |
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tornado
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| n.飓风，龙卷风 | |
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liar
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| n.说谎的人 | |
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peculiar
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| adj.古怪的，异常的；特殊的，特有的 | |
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48
sob
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| n.空间轨道的轰炸机；呜咽，哭泣 | |
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horrified
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| a.(表现出)恐惧的 | |
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50
torment
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| n.折磨；令人痛苦的东西(人)；vt.折磨；纠缠 | |
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51
hysterical
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| adj.情绪异常激动的，歇斯底里般的 | |
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52
hideous
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| adj.丑陋的，可憎的，可怕的，恐怖的 | |
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53
numb
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| adj.麻木的，失去感觉的；v.使麻木 | |
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54
accusation
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| n.控告，指责，谴责 | |
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55
sobbing
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| <主方>Ⅰ adj.湿透的 | |
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56
intensity
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| n.强烈，剧烈；强度；烈度 | |
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irrational
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| adj.无理性的，失去理性的 | |
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58
clumps
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| n.（树、灌木、植物等的）丛、簇( clump的名词复数 )；（土、泥等）团；块；笨重的脚步声v.（树、灌木、植物等的）丛、簇( clump的第三人称单数 )；（土、泥等）团；块；笨重的脚步声 | |
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59
rinse
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| v.用清水漂洗，用清水冲洗 | |
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60
whined
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| v.哀号( whine的过去式和过去分词 )；哀诉，诉怨 | |
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trotting
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| 小跑，急走( trot的现在分词 )； 匆匆忙忙地走 | |
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62
yelped
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| v.发出短而尖的叫声( yelp的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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63
trickle
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| vi.淌，滴，流出，慢慢移动，逐渐消散 | |
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64
ooze
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| n.软泥，渗出物；vi.渗出，泄漏；vt.慢慢渗出，流露 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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66
distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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67
collapse
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| vi.累倒；昏倒；倒塌；塌陷 | |
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68
grumbled
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| 抱怨( grumble的过去式和过去分词 )； 发牢骚； 咕哝； 发哼声 | |
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69
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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70
growled
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| v.（动物）发狺狺声， （雷）作隆隆声( growl的过去式和过去分词 )；低声咆哮着说 | |
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71
rim
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| n.(圆物的)边，轮缘；边界 | |
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72
impatience
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| n.不耐烦，急躁 | |
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73
shimmered
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| v.闪闪发光，发微光( shimmer的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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74
creased
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| （使…）起折痕，弄皱( crease的过去式和过去分词 )； （皮肤）皱起，使起皱纹； 皱皱巴巴 | |
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75
timing
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| n.时间安排，时间选择 | |
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76
warily
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| adv.留心地 | |
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77
generosity
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| n.大度，慷慨，慷慨的行为 | |
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78
redeem
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| v.买回，赎回，挽回，恢复，履行（诺言等） | |
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frenzied
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| a.激怒的；疯狂的 | |
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80
brewing
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| n. 酿造, 一次酿造的量 动词brew的现在分词形式 | |
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81
taunted
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| 嘲讽( taunt的过去式和过去分词 )； 嘲弄； 辱骂； 奚落 | |
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82
brawl
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| n.大声争吵，喧嚷；v.吵架，对骂 | |
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83
realization
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| n.实现；认识到，深刻了解 | |
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84
blurted
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| v.突然说出，脱口而出( blurt的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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85
bluffing
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| n. 威吓，唬人 动词bluff的现在分词形式 | |
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86
constricted
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| adj.抑制的，约束的 | |
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frantically
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| ad.发狂地, 发疯地 | |
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88
jolt
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| v.（使）摇动，（使）震动，（使）颠簸 | |
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tenuous
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| adj.细薄的，稀薄的，空洞的 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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91
eyelids
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| n.眼睑( eyelid的名词复数 )；眼睛也不眨一下；不露声色；面不改色 | |
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92
sanity
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| n.心智健全，神智正常，判断正确 | |
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93
collage
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| n.拼贴画；v.拼贴；把……创作成拼贴画 | |
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fissure
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| n.裂缝；裂伤 | |
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bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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