I DIDN’T GET VERY FAR BEFORE DRIVING BECAME IMPOSsible.
When I couldn’t see anymore, I let my tires find the rough shoulder and rolled slowly to a stop. I slumpedover on the seat and allowed the weakness I’d fought in Jacob’s room crush me. It was worse that I’d thought— the force of it took me by surprise. Yes, I had been right to hide this from Jacob. No one should ever seethis.
But I wasn’t alone for very long — just exactly long enough for Alice to see me here, and then the fewminutes it took him to arrive. The door creaked open, and he pulled me into his arms.
At first it was worse. Because there was that smaller part of me — smaller, but getting louder and angrierevery minute, screaming at the rest of me — that craved1 a different set of arms. So then there was fresh guiltto season the pain.
He didn’t say anything, he just let me sob2 until I began to blubber out Charlie’s name.
“Are you really ready to go home?” he asked doubtfully.
I managed to convey, after several attempts, that it wasn’t going to get any better anytime soon. I neededto get past Charlie before it got late enough for him to call Billy.
So he drove me home — for once not even getting close to my truck’s internal speed limit — keeping onearm wrapped tightly around me. The whole way, I fought for control. It seemed to be a doomed3 effort at first,but I didn’t give up. Just a few seconds, I told myself. Just time for a few excuses, or a few lies, and then Icould break down again. I had to be able to do that much. I scrambled4 around in my head, searchingdesperately for a reserve of strength.
There was just enough for me to quiet the sobs5 — hold them back but not end them. The tears didn’tslow. I couldn’t seem to find any handle to even begin to work with those.
“Wait for me upstairs,” I mumbled6 when we were in front of the house.
He hugged me closer for one minute, and then he was gone.
Once inside, I headed straight for the stairs.
“Bella?” Charlie called after me from his usual place on the sofa as I walked by.
I turned to look at him without speaking. His eyes bugged7 wide, and he lurched to his feet.
“What happened? Is Jacob . . . ?” he demanded.
I shook my head furiously, trying to find my voice. “He’s fine, he’s fine,” I promised, my voice low andhusky. And Jacob was fine, physically9, which is all Charlie was worried about at the moment.
“But what happened?” He grabbed my shoulders, his eyes still anxious and wide. “What happened toyou?”
I must look worse than I’d imagined.
“Nothing, Dad. I . . . just had to talk to Jacob about . . . some things that were hard. I’m fine.”
The anxiety calmed, and was replaced by disapproval10.
“Was this really the best time?” he asked.
“Probably not, Dad, but I didn’t have any alternatives — it just got to the point where I had to choose. . .
. Sometimes, there isn’t any way to compromise.”
He shook his head slowly. “How did he handle it?”
I didn’t answer.
He looked at my face for a minute, and then nodded. That must have been answer enough.
“I hope you didn’t mess up his recovery.”
“He’s a quick healer,” I mumbled.
Charlie sighed.
I could feel the control slipping.
“I’ll be in my room,” I told him, shrugging out from underneath11 his hands.
“’Kay,” Charlie agreed. He could probably see the waterworks starting to escalate12. Nothing scaredCharlie worse than tears.
I made my way to my room, blind and stumbling.
Once inside, I fought with the clasp on my bracelet13, trying to undo14 it with shaking fingers.
“No, Bella,” Edward whispered, capturing my hands. “It’s part of who you are.”
He pulled me into the cradle of his arms as the sobs broke free again.
This longest of days seemed to stretch on and on and on. I wondered if it would ever end.
But, though the night dragged relentlessly15, it was not the worst night of my life. I took comfort from that.
And I was not alone. There was a great deal of comfort in that, too.
Charlie’s fear of emotional outbursts kept him from checking on me, though I was not quiet — heprobably got no more sleep than I did.
My hindsight seemed unbearably16 clear tonight. I could see every mistake I’d made, every bit of harm I’ddone, the small things and the big things. Each pain I’d caused Jacob, each wound I’d given Edward, stackedup into neat piles that I could not ignore or deny.
And I realized that I’d been wrong all along about the magnets. It had not been Edward and Jacob thatI’d been trying to force together, it was the two parts of myself, Edward’s Bella and Jacob’s Bella. But theycould not exist together, and I never should have tried.
I’d done so much damage.
At some point in the night, I remembered the promise I’d made to myself early this morning — that Iwould never make Edward see me shed another tear for Jacob Black. The thought brought on a round ofhysteria which frightened Edward more than the weeping. But it passed, too, when it had run its course.
Edward said little; he just held me on the bed and let me ruin his shirt, staining it with salt water.
It took longer than I thought it would for that smaller, broken part of me to cry herself out. It happened,though, and I was eventually exhausted17 enough to sleep. Unconsciousness did not bring full relief from thepain, just a numbing19, dulling ease, like medicine. Made it more bearable. But it was still there; I was aware ofit, even asleep, and that helped me to make the adjustments I needed to make.
The morning brought with it, if not a brighter outlook, as least a measure of control, some acceptance.
Instinctively, I knew that the new tear in my heart would always ache. That was just going to be a part of menow. Time would make it easier — that’s what everyone always said. But I didn’t care if time healed me ornot, so long as Jacob could get better. Could be happy again.
When I woke up, there was no disorientation. I opened my eyes — finally dry — and met his anxiousgaze.
“Hey,” I said. My voice was hoarse20. I cleared my throat.
He didn’t answer. He watched me, waiting for it to start.
“No, I’m fine,” I promised. “That won’t happen again.”
His eyes tightened21 at my words.
“I’m sorry that you had to see that,” I said. “That wasn’t fair to you.”
He put his hands on either side of my face.
“Bella . . . are you sure? Did you make the right choice? I’ve never seen you in so much pain —” Hisvoice broke on the last word.
But I had known worse pain.
I touched his lips. “Yes.”
“I don’t know. . . .” His brow creased22. “If it hurts you so much, how can it possibly be the right thing foryou?”
“Edward, I know who I can’t live without.”
“But . . .”
I shook my head. “You don’t understand. You may be brave enough or strong enough to live without me,if that’s what’s best. But I could never be that self-sacrificing. I have to be with you. It’s the only way I canlive.”
He still looked dubious23. I should never have let him stay with me last night. But I had needed him so much.
. . .
“Hand me that book, will you?” I asked, pointing over his shoulder.
His eyebrows24 pulled together in confusion, but he gave it to me quickly.
“This again?” he asked.
“I just wanted to find this one part I remembered . . . to see how she said it. . . .” I flipped25 through thebook, finding the page I wanted easily. The corner was dog-eared from the many times I’d stopped here.
“Cathy’s a monster, but there were a few things she got right,” I muttered. I read the lines quietly, mostly tomyself. “‘If all else perished, and he remained, I should still continue to be; and ifall else remained, and hewere annihilated26, the universe would turn to a mighty27 stranger.’” I nodded, again to myself. “I know exactlywhat she means. And I know who I can’t live without.”
Edward took the book from my hands and flipped it across the room — it landed with a light thud on mydesk. He wrapped his arms around my waist.
A small smile lit his perfect face, though worry still lined his forehead. “Heathcliff had his moments, too,”
he said. He didn’t need the book to get it word perfect. He pulled me closer and whispered inmy ear, “‘Icannot live without my life! I cannot live without my soul!’”
“Yes,” I said quietly. “That’s my point.”
“Bella, I can’t stand for you to be miserable28. Maybe . . .”
“No, Edward. I’ve made a real mess of things, and I’m going to have to live with that. But I know what Iwant and what I need . . . and what I’m going to do now.”
“What are we going to do now?”
I smiled just a bit at his correction, and then I sighed. “We are going to go see Alice.”
Alice was on the bottom porch step, too hyper to wait for us inside. She looked about to break into acelebration dance, so excited was she about the news she knew I was there to deliver.
“Thank you, Bella!” she sang as we got out of the truck.
“Hold it, Alice,” I warned her, lifting a hand up to halt her glee. “I’ve got a few limitations for you.”
“I know, I know, I know. I only have until August thirteenth at the latest, you have veto power on theguest list, and if I go overboard on anything, you’ll never speak to me again.”
“Oh, okay. Well, yeah. You know the rules, then.”
“Don’t worry, Bella, it will be perfect. Do you want to see your dress?”
I had to take a few deep breaths. Whatever makes her happy, I said to myself.
“Sure.”
Alice’s smile was smug.
“Um, Alice,” I said, keeping the casual, unruffled tone in my voice. “When did you get me a dress?”
It probably wasn’t much of a show. Edward squeezed my hand.
Alice led the way inside, heading for the stairs. “These things take time, Bella,” Alice explained. Her toneseemed . . . evasive. “I mean, I wasn’t sure things were going to turn out this way, but there was a distinctpossibility. . . .”
“When?” I asked again.
“Perrine Bruyere has a waiting list, you know,” she said, defensive29 now. “Fabric masterpieces don’thappen overnight. If I hadn’t thought ahead, you’d be wearing something off the rack!”
It didn’t look like I was going to get a straight answer. “Per — who?”
“He’s not a major designer, Bella, so there’s no need to throw a hissy fit. He’s got promise, though, andhe specializes in what I needed.”
“I’m not throwing a fit.”
“No, you’re not.” She eyed my calm face suspiciously. Then, as we walked into her room, she turned onEdward.
“You — out.”
“Why?” I demanded.
“Bella,” she groaned30. “You know the rules. He’s not supposed to see the dress till the day of.”
I took another deep breath. “It doesn’t matter to me. And you know he’s already seen it in your head. Butif that’s how you want it. . . .”
She shoved Edward back out the door. He didn’t even look at her — his eyes were on me, wary31, afraidto leave me alone.
I nodded, hoping my expression was tranquil32 enough to reassure33 him.
Alice shut the door in his face.
“All right!” she muttered. “C’mon.”
She grabbed my wrist and towed me to her closet — which was bigger than my bedroom — and thendragged me to the back corner, where a long white garment bag had a rack all to itself.
She unzipped the bag in one sweeping34 movement, and then slipped it carefully off the hanger35. She took astep back, holding her hand out to the dress like she was a game show hostess.
“Well?” she asked breathlessly.
I appraised36 it for a long moment, playing with her a bit. Her expression turned worried.
“Ah,” I said, and I smiled, letting her relax. “I see.”
“What do you think?” she demanded.
It was my Anne of Green Gables vision all over again.
“It’s perfect, of course. Exactly right. You’re a genius.”
She grinned. “I know.”
“Nineteen-eighteen?” I guessed.
“More or less,” she said, nodding. “Some of it is my design, the train, the veil. . . .” She touched the whitesatin as she spoke37. “The lace is vintage. Do you like it?”
“It’s beautiful. It’s just right for him.”
“But is it just right for you?” she insisted.
“Yes, I think it is, Alice. I think it’s just what I need. I know you’ll do a great job with this . . . if you cankeep yourself in check.”
She beamed.
“Can I see your dress?” I asked.
She blinked, her face blank.
“Didn’t you order your bridesmaid dress at the same time? I wouldn’t want my maid of honor to wearsomething off the rack.” I pretended to wince38 in horror.
She threw her arms around my waist. “Thank you, Bella!”
“How could you not see that one coming?” I teased, kissing her spiky39 hair. “Some psychic40 you are!”
Alice danced back, and her face was bright with fresh enthusiasm. “I’ve got so much to do! Go play withEdward. I have to get to work.”
She dashed out of the room, yelling, “Esme!” as she disappeared.
I followed at my own pace. Edward was waiting for me in the hallway, leaning against the wood-paneledwall.
“That was very, very nice of you,” he told me.
“She seems happy,” I agreed.
He touched my face; his eyes — too dark, it had been so long since he’d left me — searched myexpression minutely.
“Let’s get out of here,” he suddenly suggested. “Let’s go to our meadow.”
It sounded very appealing. “I guess I don’t have to hide out anymore, do I?”
“No. The danger is behind us.”
He was quiet, thoughtful, as he ran. The wind blew on my face, warmer now that the storm had reallypassed. The clouds covered the sky, the way they usually did.
The meadow was a peaceful, happy place today. Patches of summer daisies interrupted the grass withsplashes of white and yellow. I lay back, ignoring the slight dampness of the ground, and looked for pictures inthe clouds. They were too even, too smooth. No pictures, just a soft, gray blanket.
Edward lay next to me and held my hand.
“August thirteenth?” he asked casually41 after a few minutes of comfortable silence.
“That gives me a month till my birthday. I didn’t want to cut it too close.”
He sighed. “Esme is three years older than Carlisle — technically42. Did you know that?”
I shook my head.
“It hasn’t made any difference to them.”
My voice was serene43, a counterpoint to his anxiety. “My age is not really that important. Edward, I’mready. I’ve chosen my life — now I want to start living it.”
He stroked my hair. “The guest list veto?”
“I don’t care really, but I . . .” I hesitated, not wanting to explain this one. Best to get it over with. “I’m notsure if Alice would feel the need to invite . . . a few werewolves. I don’t know if . . . Jake would feel like . . .
like he should come. Like that’s the right thing to do, or that I’d get my feelings hurt if he didn’t. He shouldn’thave to go through that.”
Edward was quiet for a minute. I stared at the tips of the treetops, almost black against the light gray of thesky.
Suddenly, Edward grabbed me around the waist and pulled me onto his chest.
“Tell me why you’re doing this, Bella. Why did you decide, now, to give Alice free reign44?”
I repeated for him the conversation I had with Charlie last night before I’d gone to see Jacob.
“It wouldn’t be fair to keep Charlie out of this,” I concluded. “And that means Renée and Phil. I might aswell let Alice have her fun, too. Maybe itwill make the whole thing easier for Charlie if he gets his propergoodbye. Even if he thinks it’s much too early, I wouldn’t want to cheat him out of the chance to walk medown the aisle45.” I grimaced46 at the words, then took another deep breath. “At least my mom and dad and myfriends will know the best part of my choice, the most I’m allowed to tell them. They’ll know I chose you, andthey’ll know we’re together. They’ll know I’m happy, wherever I am. I think that’s the best I can do forthem.”
Edward held my face, searching it for a brief time.
“Deal’s off,” he said abruptly47.
“What?” I gasped48. “You’re backing out? No!”
“I’m not backing out, Bella. I’ll still keep my side of the bargain. But you’re off the hook. Whatever youwant, no strings49 attached.”
“Why?”
“Bella, I see what you’re doing. You’re trying to make everyone else happy. And I don’t care aboutanyone else’s feelings. I only need you to be happy. Don’t worry about breaking the news to Alice. I’ll takecare of it. I promise she won’t make you feel guilty.”
“But I —”
“No. We’re doing this your way. Because my way doesn’t work. I call you stubborn, but look at whatI’ve done. I’ve clung with such idiotic50 obstinacy51 to my idea of what’s best for you, though it’s only hurt you.
Hurt you so deeply, time and time again. I don’t trust myself anymore. You can have happiness your way. Myway is always wrong. So.” He shifted under me, squaring his shoulders. “We’re doing it your way, Bella.
Tonight. Today. The sooner the better. I’ll speak to Carlisle. I was thinking that maybe if we gave you enoughmorphine, it wouldn’t be so bad. It’s worth a try.” He gritted52 his teeth.
“Edward, no —”
He put his finger to my lips. “Don’t worry, Bella, love. I haven’t forgotten the rest of your demands.”
His hands were in my hair, his lips moving softly — but very seriously — against mine, before I realizedwhat he was saying. What he was doing.
There wasn’t much time to act. If I waited too long, I wouldn’t be able to remember why I needed to stophim. Already, I couldn’t breathe right. My hands were gripping his arms, pulling myself tighter to him, mymouth glued to his and answering every unspoken question his asked.
I tried to clear my head, to find a way to speak.
He rolled gently, pressing me into the cool grass.
Oh, never mind! my less noble side exulted53. My head was full of the sweetness of his breath.
No, no, no, I argued with myself. I shook my head, and his mouth moved to my neck, giving me a chanceto breathe.
“Stop, Edward. Wait.” My voice was as weak as my will.
“Why?” he whispered into the hollow of my throat.
I labored54 to put some resolve into my tone. “I don’t want to do this now.”
“Don’t you?” he asked, a smile in his voice. He moved his lips back to mine and made speakingimpossible. Heat coursed through my veins56, burning where my skin touched his.
I made myself focus. It took a great deal of effort just to force my hands to free themselves from his hair,to move them to his chest. But I did it. And then I shoved against him, trying to push him away. I could notsucceed alone, but he responded as I knew he would.
He pulled back a few inches to look at me, and his eyes did nothing to help my resolve. They were blackfire. They smoldered57.
“Why?” he asked again, his voice low and rough. “I love you. I want you. Right now.”
The butterflies in my stomach flooded my throat. He took advantage of my speechlessness.
“Wait, wait,” I tried to say around his lips.
“Not for me,” he murmured in disagreement.
“Please?” I gasped.
He groaned, and pushed himself away from me, rolling onto his back again.
We both lay there for a minute, trying to slow our breathing.
“Tell me why not, Bella,” he demanded. “This had better not be about me.”
Everything in my world was about him. What a silly thing to expect.
“Edward, this is very important to me. I am going to do this right.”
“Who’s definition of right?”
“Mine.”
He rolled onto his elbow and stared at me, his expression disapproving58.
“How are you going to do this right?”
I took a deep breath. “Responsibly. Everything in the right order. I will not leave Charlie and Renéewithout the best resolution I can give them. I won’t deny Alice her fun, if I’m having a wedding anyway. And Iwill tie myself to you in every human way, before I ask you to make me immortal59. I’m following all the rules,Edward. Your soul is far, far too important to me to take chances with. You’re not going to budge60 me onthis.”
“I’ll bet I could,” he murmured, his eyes burning again.
“But you wouldn’t,” I said, trying to keep my voice level. “Not knowing that this is what I really need.”
“You don’t fight fair,” he accused.
I grinned at him. “Never said I did.”
He smiled back, wistful. “If you change your mind . . .”
“You’ll be the first to know,” I promised.
The rain started to drip through the clouds just then, a few scattered61 drops that made faint thuds as theystruck the grass.
“I’ll get you home.” He brushed the tiny beads63 of water from my cheeks.
“Rain’s not the problem,” I grumbled64. “It just means that it’s time to go do something that will be veryunpleasant and possibly even highly dangerous.”
His eyes widened in alarm.
“It’s a good thing you’re bulletproof.” I sighed. “I’m going to need that ring. It’s time to tell Charlie.”
He laughed at the expression on my face. “Highly dangerous,” he agreed. He laughed again and thenreached into the pocket of his jeans. “But as least there’s no need for a side trip.”
He once again slid my ring into place on the third finger of my left hand.
Where it would stay — conceivably for the rest of eternity65.
EPILOGUE — CHOICEJACOBBLACK“Jacob, do you think this is going to take too much longer?” Leah demanded. Impatient. Whiney.
Like anyone in the pack, Leah knew everything. She knew why I came here — to the very edge of theearth and sky and sea. To be alone. She knew that this was all I wanted. Just to be alone.
But Leah was going to force her company on me, anyway.
Besides being crazy annoyed, I did feel smug for a brief second. Because I didn’t even have to think aboutcontrolling my temper. It was easy now, something I just did, natural. The red haze67 didn’t wash over my eyes.
The heat didn’t shiver down my spine68. My voice was calm when I answered.
“Jump off a cliff, Leah.” I pointed69 to the one at my feet.
“Really, kid.” She ignored me, throwing herself into a sprawl70 on the ground next to me. “You have no ideahow hard this is for me.”
“For you?” It took me a minute to believe she was serious. “You have to be the most self-absorbedperson alive, Leah. I’d hate to shatter the dream world you livein — the one where the sun is orbiting theplace where you stand — so I won’t tell you how little I care what your problem is. Go. Away.”
“Just look at this from my perspective for a minute, okay?” she continued as if I hadn’t said anything.
If she was trying to break my mood, it worked. I started laughing. The sound hurt in strange ways.
“Stop snorting and pay attention,” she snapped.
“If I pretend to listen, will you leave?” I asked, glancing over at the permanent scowl71 on her face. I wasn’tsure if she had any other expressions anymore.
I remembered back to when I used to think that Leah was pretty, maybe even beautiful. That was a longtime ago. No one thought of her that way now. Except for Sam. He was never going to forgive himself. Like itwas his fault that she’d turned into this bitter harpy.
Her scowl heated up, as if she could guess what I was thinking. Probably could.
“This is making me sick, Jacob. Can you imagine what this feels like to me? I don’t even like Bella Swan.
And you’ve got me grieving over this leech-lover like I’m in love with her, too. Can you see where that mightbe a little confusing? I dreamed about kissing her last night! What the hell am I supposed to do with that?”
“Do I care?”
“I can’t stand being in your head anymore! Get over her already! She’s going to marry that thing. He’sgoing to try to change her into one of them! Time to move on, boy.”
It would be wrong to strike back. I knew that. I was biting my tongue. But she’d be sorry if she didn’twalk away. Now.
“He’ll probably just kill her anyway,” Leah said. Sneering73. “All the stories say that happens more oftenthan not. Maybe a funeral will be better closure than a wedding. Ha.”
This time I had to work. I closed my eyes and fought the hot taste in my mouth. I pushed and shovedagainst the slide of fire down my back, wrestling to keep my shape together while my body tried to shakeapart.
When I was in control again, I glowered at her. She was watching my hands as the tremors74 slowed.
Smiling.
Some joke.
“If you’re upset about gender75 confusion, Leah . . . ,” I said. Slow, emphasizing each word. “How do youthink the rest of us like looking at Sam through your eyes? It’s bad enough that Emily has to deal with yourfixation. She doesn’t need us guys panting after him, too.”
Pissed as I was, I still felt guilty when I watched the spasm76 of pain shoot across her face.
She scrambled to her feet — pausing only to spit in my direction — and ran for the trees, vibrating like atuning fork.
I laughed darkly. “You missed.”
Sam was going to give me hell for that, but it was worth it. Leah wouldn’t bug8 me anymore. And I’d do itagain if I had the chance.
Because her words were still there, scratching themselves into my brain, the pain of it so strong that Icould hardly breathe.
It didn’t matter so much that Bella’d chosen someone else over me. That agony was nothing at all. Thatagony I could live with for the rest of my stupid, too long, stretched-out life.
But it did matter that she was giving up everything — that she was letting her heart stop and her skin iceover and her mind twist into some crystallized predator’s head. A monster. A stranger.
I would have thought there was nothing worse than that, nothing more painful in the whole world.
But, if he killed her . . .
Again, I had to fight the rage. Maybe, if not for Leah, it would be good to let the heat change me into acreature who could deal with it better. A creature with instincts so much stronger than human emotions. Ananimal who couldn’t feel pain in the same way. A different pain. Some variety, at least. But Leah was runningnow, and I didn’t want to share her thoughts. I cussed her under my breath for taking away that escape, too.
My hands were shaking in spite of me. What shook them? Anger? Agony? I wasn’t sure what I wasfightingnow.
I had to believe that Bella would survive. But that required trust — a trust I didn’t want to feel, a trust inthat bloodsucker’s ability to keep her alive.
She would be different, and I wondered how that would affect me. Would it be the same as if she haddied, to see her standing77 there like a stone? Like ice? When her scent78 burned in my nostrils79 and triggered theinstinct to rip, to tear . . . How would that be? Could I want to kill her? Could I not want to kill one of them?
I watched the swells80 roll toward the beach. They disappeared from sight under the edge of the cliff, but Iheard them beat against the sand. I watched them until it was late, long after dark.
Going home was probably a bad idea. But I was hungry, and I couldn’t think of another plan.
I made a face as I pulled my arm through the retarded81 sling82 and grabbed my crutches83. If only Charliehadn’t seen me that day and spread the word of my “motorcycle accident.” Stupid props84. I hated them.
Going hungry started to look better when I walked in the house and got a look at my dad’s face. He hadsomething on his mind. It was easy to tell — he always overdid85 it. Acted all casual.
He also talked too much. He was rambling86 about his day before I could get to the table. He neverjabbered like this unless there was something that he didn’t want to say. I ignored him as best I could,concentrating on the food. The faster I choked it down . . .
“. . . and Sue stopped by today.” My dad’s voice was loud. Hard to ignore. As always. “Amazingwoman. She’s tougher than grizzlies87, that one. I don’t know how she deals with that daughter of hers, though.
Now Sue, she would have made one hell of a wolf. Leah’s more of a wolverine.” He chuckled88 at his ownjoke.
He waited briefly89 for my response, but didn’t seem to see my blank, bored-out-of-my-mind expression.
Most days that bugged him. I wished he would shut up about Leah. I was trying not to think about her.
“Seth’s a lot easier. Of course, you were easier than your sisters, too, until . . . well, you have more todeal with than they did.”
I sighed, long and deep, and stared out the window.
Billy was quiet for a second too long. “We got a letter today.”
I could tell that this was the subject he’d been avoiding.
“A letter?”
“A . . . wedding invitation.”
Every muscle in my body locked into place. A feather of heat seemed to brush down my back. I held ontothe table to keep my hands steady.
Billy went on like he hadn’t noticed. “There’s a note inside that’s addressed to you. I didn’t read it.”
He pulled a thick ivory envelope from where it was wedged between his leg and the side of his wheelchair.
He laid it on the table between us.
“You probably don’t need to read it. Doesn’t really matter what it says.”
Stupid reverse psychology90. I yanked the envelope off the table.
It was some heavy, stiff paper. Expensive. Too fancy for Forks. The card inside was the same, too done-up and formal. Bella’d had nothing to do with this. There was no sign of her personal taste in the layers of see-through, petal-printed pages. I’d bet she didn’t like it at all. I didn’t read the words, not even to see the date. Ididn’t care.
There was a piece of the thick ivory paper folded inhalf with my name handwritten in black ink on theback. I didn’t recognize the handwriting, but it was as fancy as the rest of it. For half a second, I wondered ifthe bloodsucker was into gloating.
I flipped it open.
Jacob,I’m breaking the rules by sending you this. She was afraid of hurting you, and she didn’t want tomake you feel obligated in any way. But I know that, if things had gone the other way, I would havewanted the choice.
I promise I will take care of her, Jacob. Thank you — for her — for everything.
Edward“Jake, we only have the one table,” Billy said. He was staring at my left hand.
My fingers were clamped down on the wood hard enough that it really was in danger. I loosened themone by one, concentrating on that action alone, and then clenched my hands together so I couldn’t breakanything.
“Yeah, doesn’t matter anyway,” Billy muttered.
I got up from the table, shrugging out of my t-shirt as I stood. Hopefully Leah had gone home by now.
“Not too late,” Billy mumbled as I punched the front door out of my way.
I was running before I hit the trees, my clothes strewn out behind me like a trail of crumbs91 — as if Iwanted to find my way back. It was almost too easy now to phase. I didn’t have to think. My body alreadyknew where I was going and, before I asked it to, it gave me what I wanted.
I had four legs now, and I was flying.
The trees blurred92 into a sea of black flowing around me. My muscles bunched and released in an effortlessrhythm. I could run like this for days and I would not be tired. Maybe, this time, I wouldn’t stop.
But I wasn’t alone.
So sorry, Embry whispered in my head.
I could see through his eyes. He was far away, to the north, but he had wheeled around and was racing93 tojoin me. I growled and pushed myself faster.
Wait for us, Quil complained. He was closer, just starting out from the village.
I could feel their worry in my head, try hard as I might to drown it in the sound of the wind and the forest.
This was what I hated most — seeing myself through their eyes, worse now that their eyes were full of pity.
They saw the hate, but they kept running after me.
A new voice sounded in my head.
Let him go. Sam’s thought was soft, but still an order. Embry and Quil slowed to a walk.
If only I could stop hearing, stop seeing what they saw. My head was so crowded, but the only way to bealone again was to be human, and I couldn’t stand the pain.
Phase back, Sam directed them. I’ll pick you up, Embry.
First one, then another awareness95 faded into silence. Only Sam was left.
Thank you, I managed to think.
Come home when you can. The words were faint, trailing off into blank emptiness as he left, too. And Iwas alone.
So much better. Now I could hear the faint rustle96 of the matted leaves beneath my toenails, the whisper ofan owl’s wings above me, the ocean — far, far in the west — moaning against the beach. Hear this, andnothing more. Feel nothing but speed, nothing but the pull of muscle, sinew, and bone, working together in harmony as the miles disappeared behind me.
If the silence in my head lasted, I would never go back. I wouldn’t be the first one to choose this formover the other. Maybe, if I ran far enough away, I would never have to hear again. . . .
I pushed my legs faster, letting Jacob Black disappear behind me.
AcknowledgmentsI would be very remiss97 if I did not thank the many people who helped me survive the birthing of another novel:
My parents have been my rock; I don’t know how anyone does this without a dad’s good advice and amom’s shoulder to cry on.
My husband and sons have been incredibly long-suffering—anyone else would have had me committed to anasylum long ago. Thanks for keeping me around, guys.
My Elizabeth—Elizabeth Eulberg, publicist extraordinaire—has made all the difference to my sanity98 both onand off the road. Few people are lucky enough to work so closely with their BFF, and I am eternally gratefulfor the wholesomeness99 of cheese-loving Midwestern girls.
Jodi Reamer continues to guide my career with genius and finesse100. It is very comforting to know that I am insuch good hands.
It is also wonderful to have my manuscripts in the right hands. Thanks to Rebecca Davis for being so in tunewith the story in my head and helping101 me find the best ways to express it. Thanks to Megan Tingley, first foryour unwavering faith in my work, and second for polishing that work until it shines.
Everyone at Little, Brown and Company Books for Young Readers has taken such amazing care of mycreations. I can tell it is a true labor55 of love for you all, and I appreciate it more than you know. Thank youChris Murphy, Shawn Foster, Andrew Smith, Stephanie Voros, Gail Doobinin, Tina McIntyre, Ames O’Neill,and the many others who have made the Twilight102 series a success.
I can’t believe how lucky I was to discover Lori Joffs, who somehow manages to be both the fastest and themost meticulous103 reader at the same time. I am thrilled to have a friend and accomplice104 who is so insightful,talented, and patient with my whining105.
Lori Joffs again, along with Laura Cristiano, Michaela Child, and Ted18 Joffs, for creating and maintaining thebrightest star in the Twilight online universe, the Twilight Lexicon106. I truly appreciate all the hard work you putinto providing a happy place for my fans to hang out. Thanks also to my international friends at Crepusculo-es.com for a site so amazing it transcends107 the language barrier. Kudos108 as well to Brittany Gardener’s fabulouswork on the Twilight and New Moon by Stephenie Meyer MySpace Group, a fan site so large that the idea ofkeeping track of it boggles my mind; Brittany, you amaze me.
Katie and Audrey, Bella Penombra is a thing of beauty.
I can’t mention all the amazing sites and their creators here,but thank you very much to each of you.
Many thanks to my cold readers, Laura Cristiano, Michelle Vieira,Bridget Creviston, and Kimberlee Peterson, for their invaluable110 inputand encouraging enthusiasm.
Every writer needs an independent bookstore for a friend;I’m so grateful for my hometown supporters at Changing Hands Bookstore in Tempe, Arizona, and especially to Faith Hochhalter,who has brilliant taste in literature.
I am in your debt, rock gods of Muse111, for yet another inspiring album.
Thank you for continuing to create my favorite writing music.
I am also grateful to all the other bands on my playlistwho help me through the writer’s block, and to my new discoveries,Ok Go, Gomez, Placebo112, Blue October, and Jack’s Mannequin.
Most of all, a gargantuan113 thank-you to all of my fans.
I firmly believe that my fans are the most attractive, intelligent,exciting, and dedicated114 fans in the whole world.
I wish I could give you each a big hug and a Porsche 911 Turbo.
收听单词发音 |
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craved
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| 渴望，热望( crave的过去式 )； 恳求，请求 | |
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sob
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| n.空间轨道的轰炸机；呜咽，哭泣 | |
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doomed
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| 命定的 | |
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scrambled
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| v.快速爬行( scramble的过去式和过去分词 )；攀登；争夺；（军事飞机）紧急起飞 | |
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sobs
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| 啜泣（声），呜咽（声）( sob的名词复数 ) | |
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mumbled
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| 含糊地说某事，叽咕，咕哝( mumble的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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bugged
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| vt.在…装窃听器（bug的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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bug
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| n.虫子；故障；窃听器；vt.纠缠；装窃听器 | |
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physically
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| adj.物质上，体格上，身体上，按自然规律 | |
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disapproval
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| n.反对，不赞成 | |
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underneath
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| adj.在...下面，在...底下；adv.在下面 | |
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escalate
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| v.(使)逐步增长(或发展)，(使)逐步升级 | |
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bracelet
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| n.手镯，臂镯 | |
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undo
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| vt.解开，松开；取消，撤销 | |
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relentlessly
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| adv.不屈不挠地；残酷地；不间断 | |
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unbearably
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| adv.不能忍受地，无法容忍地；慌 | |
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exhausted
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| adj.极其疲惫的，精疲力尽的 | |
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ted
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| vt.翻晒，撒，撒开 | |
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numbing
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| adj.使麻木的，使失去感觉的v.使麻木，使麻痹( numb的现在分词 ) | |
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hoarse
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| adj.嘶哑的，沙哑的 | |
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tightened
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| 收紧( tighten的过去式和过去分词 )； （使）变紧； （使）绷紧； 加紧 | |
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creased
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| （使…）起折痕，弄皱( crease的过去式和过去分词 )； （皮肤）皱起，使起皱纹； 皱皱巴巴 | |
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dubious
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| adj.怀疑的，无把握的；有问题的，靠不住的 | |
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eyebrows
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| 眉毛( eyebrow的名词复数 ) | |
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flipped
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| 轻弹( flip的过去式和过去分词 )； 按（开关）； 快速翻转； 急挥 | |
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annihilated
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| v.（彻底）消灭( annihilate的过去式和过去分词 )；使无效；废止；彻底击溃 | |
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mighty
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| adj.强有力的；巨大的 | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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defensive
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| adj.防御的；防卫的；防守的 | |
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groaned
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| v.呻吟( groan的过去式和过去分词 )；发牢骚；抱怨；受苦 | |
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wary
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| adj.谨慎的，机警的，小心的 | |
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tranquil
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| adj. 安静的, 宁静的, 稳定的, 不变的 | |
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reassure
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| v.使放心，使消除疑虑 | |
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sweeping
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| adj.范围广大的，一扫无遗的 | |
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hanger
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| n.吊架，吊轴承；挂钩 | |
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appraised
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| v.估价( appraise的过去式和过去分词 )；估计；估量；评价 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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wince
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| n.畏缩，退避，（因痛苦，苦恼等)面部肌肉抽动；v.畏缩，退缩，退避 | |
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spiky
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| adj.长而尖的，大钉似的 | |
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psychic
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| n.对超自然力敏感的人；adj.有超自然力的 | |
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casually
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| adv.漠不关心地，无动于衷地，不负责任地 | |
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technically
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| adv.专门地，技术上地 | |
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serene
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| adj. 安详的，宁静的，平静的 | |
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reign
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| n.统治时期，统治，支配，盛行；v.占优势 | |
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aisle
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| n.（教堂、教室、戏院等里的）过道，通道 | |
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46
grimaced
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| v.扮鬼相，做鬼脸( grimace的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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abruptly
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| adv.突然地，出其不意地 | |
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48
gasped
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| v.喘气( gasp的过去式和过去分词 )；喘息；倒抽气；很想要 | |
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strings
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| n.弦 | |
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50
idiotic
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| adj.白痴的 | |
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51
obstinacy
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| n.顽固；（病痛等）难治 | |
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52
gritted
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| v.以沙砾覆盖（某物），撒沙砾于( grit的过去式和过去分词 )；咬紧牙关 | |
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53
exulted
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| 狂喜，欢跃( exult的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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54
labored
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| adj.吃力的，谨慎的v.努力争取(for)( labor的过去式和过去分词 )；苦干；详细分析；（指引擎）缓慢而困难地运转 | |
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55
labor
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| n.劳动，努力，工作，劳工；分娩；vi.劳动，努力，苦干；vt.详细分析；麻烦 | |
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56
veins
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| n.纹理；矿脉( vein的名词复数 )；静脉；叶脉；纹理 | |
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57
smoldered
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| v.用文火焖烧，熏烧，慢燃( smolder的过去式 ) | |
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58
disapproving
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| adj.不满的，反对的v.不赞成( disapprove的现在分词 ) | |
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59
immortal
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| adj.不朽的；永生的，不死的；神的 | |
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60
budge
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| v.移动一点儿；改变立场 | |
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61
scattered
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| adj.分散的，稀疏的；散步的；疏疏落落的 | |
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62
glowered
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| v.怒视( glower的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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63
beads
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| n.（空心）小珠子( bead的名词复数 )；水珠；珠子项链 | |
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64
grumbled
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| 抱怨( grumble的过去式和过去分词 )； 发牢骚； 咕哝； 发哼声 | |
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65
eternity
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| n.不朽，来世；永恒，无穷 | |
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66
clenched
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| v.紧握，抓紧，咬紧( clench的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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67
haze
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| n.霾，烟雾；懵懂，迷糊；vi.(over)变模糊 | |
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68
spine
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| n.脊柱，脊椎；(动植物的)刺；书脊 | |
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69
pointed
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| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
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70
sprawl
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| vi.躺卧，扩张，蔓延；vt.使蔓延；n.躺卧，蔓延 | |
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71
scowl
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| vi.(at)生气地皱眉，沉下脸，怒视；n.怒容 | |
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72
growled
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| v.（动物）发狺狺声， （雷）作隆隆声( growl的过去式和过去分词 )；低声咆哮着说 | |
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73
sneering
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| 嘲笑的，轻蔑的 | |
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74
tremors
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| 震颤( tremor的名词复数 )； 战栗； 震颤声； 大地的轻微震动 | |
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75
gender
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| n.（生理上的）性，（名词、代词等的）性 | |
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76
spasm
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| n.痉挛，抽搐；一阵发作 | |
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77
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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78
scent
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| n.气味，香味，香水，线索，嗅觉；v.嗅，发觉 | |
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79
nostrils
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| 鼻孔( nostril的名词复数 ) | |
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80
swells
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| 增强( swell的第三人称单数 )； 肿胀； （使）凸出； 充满（激情） | |
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retarded
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| a.智力迟钝的，智力发育迟缓的 | |
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82
sling
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| vt.扔；悬挂；n.挂带；吊索，吊兜；弹弓 | |
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83
crutches
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| n.拐杖, 支柱 v.支撑 | |
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84
props
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| 小道具； 支柱( prop的名词复数 )； 支持者； 道具； （橄榄球中的）支柱前锋 | |
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85
overdid
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| v.做得过分( overdo的过去式 )；太夸张；把…煮得太久；（工作等）过度 | |
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86
rambling
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| adj.[建]凌乱的，杂乱的 | |
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87
grizzlies
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| 北美洲灰熊( grizzly的名词复数 ) | |
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chuckled
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| 轻声地笑( chuckle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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89
briefly
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| adv.简单地，简短地 | |
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psychology
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| n.心理，心理学，心理状态 | |
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91
crumbs
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| int. (表示惊讶)哎呀 n. 碎屑 名词crumb的复数形式 | |
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92
blurred
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| v.（使）变模糊( blur的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）难以区分；模模糊糊；迷离 | |
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93
racing
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| n.竞赛，赛马；adj.竞赛用的，赛马用的 | |
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94
snarled
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| v.（指狗）吠，嗥叫， （人）咆哮( snarl的过去式和过去分词 )；咆哮着说，厉声地说 | |
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95
awareness
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| n.意识，觉悟，懂事，明智 | |
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96
rustle
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| v.沙沙作响；偷盗(牛、马等)；n.沙沙声声 | |
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97
remiss
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| adj.不小心的，马虎 | |
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sanity
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| n.心智健全，神智正常，判断正确 | |
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99
wholesomeness
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| 卫生性 | |
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100
finesse
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| n.精密技巧，灵巧，手腕 | |
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101
helping
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| n.食物的一份&adj.帮助人的，辅助的 | |
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102
twilight
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| n.暮光，黄昏；暮年，晚期，衰落时期 | |
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103
meticulous
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| adj.极其仔细的，一丝不苟的 | |
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104
accomplice
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| n.从犯，帮凶，同谋 | |
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105
whining
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| n. 抱怨，牢骚 v. 哭诉，发牢骚 | |
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106
lexicon
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| n.字典，专门词汇 | |
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107
transcends
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| 超出或超越（经验、信念、描写能力等）的范围( transcend的第三人称单数 )； 优于或胜过… | |
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108
kudos
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| n.荣誉，名声 | |
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109
nexus
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| n.联系；关系 | |
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110
invaluable
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| adj.无价的，非常宝贵的，极为贵重的 | |
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111
muse
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| n.缪斯（希腊神话中的女神），创作灵感 | |
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112
placebo
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| n.安慰剂；宽慰话 | |
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113
gargantuan
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| adj.巨大的，庞大的 | |
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114
dedicated
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| adj.一心一意的；献身的；热诚的 | |
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