I went back to school. This was the right thing to do, the most inconspicuous way tobehave.
By the end of the day, almost all the other students had returned to class, too. JustTyler and Bella and a few others—who were probably using the accident as a chance toditch—remained absent.
It shouldn’t be so hard for me to do the right thing. But, all afternoon, I wasgritting my teeth against the urge that had me yearning1 ditch, too—in order to go find thegirl again.
Like a stalker. An obsessessed stalker. An obsessessed, vampire2 stalker.
School today was—somehow, impossibly—even more boring than it had seemedjust a week ago. Coma-like. It was as if the color had drained from the bricks, the trees,the sky, the faces around me… I stared at the cracks in the walls.
There was another right thing I should be doing…that I was not. Of course, it wasalso a wrong thing. It all depended on the perspective from which you viewed it.
From the perspective of a Cullen—not just a vampire, but a Cullen, someone whobelonged to a family, such a rare state in our world—the right thing to do would havegone something like this:
“I’m surprised to see you in class, Edward. I heard you were involved in thatawful accident this morning.”
“Yes, I was, Mr. Banner, but I was the lucky one.” A friendly smile. “I didn’t gethurt at all… I wish I could say the same for Tyler and Bella.”
“How are they?”
“I think Tyler is fine…just some superficial scrapes from the windshield glass.
I’m not sure about Bella, though.” A worried frown. “She might have a concussion3. Iheard she was pretty incoherent for a while—seeing things even. I know the doctors wereworried…”
That’s how it should have gone. That’s what I owed my family.
“I’m surprised to see you in class, Edward. I heard you were involved in thatawful accident this morning.”
“I wasn’t hurt.” No smile.
Mr. Banner shifted his weight from foot to foot, uncomfortable.
“Do you have any idea how Tyler Crowley and Bella Swan are? I heard therewere some injuries…”
I shrugged4. “I wouldn’t know.”
Mr. Banner cleared his throat. “Er, right…” he said, my cold stare making hisvoice sound a bit strained.
He walked quickly back to the front of classroom and began his lecture.
It was the wrong thing to do. Unless you looked at it from a more obscure pointof view.
It just seemed so…so unchivalrous to slander5 the girl behind her back, especiallywhen she was proving more trustworthy than I could have dreamed. She hadn’t saidanything to betray me, despite having good reason to do so. Would I betray her when shehad done nothing but keep my secret?
I had a nearly identical conversation with Mrs. Goff—just in Spanish rather thanin English—and Emmett gave me a long look.
I hope you have a good explanation for what happened today. Rose is on thewarpath.
I rolled my eyes without looking at him.
I actually had come up with a perfectly6 sound explanation. Just suppose I hadn’tdone anything to stop the van from crushing the girl… I recoiled7 from that thought. Butif she had been hit, if she’d been mangled8 and bleeding, the red fluid spilling, wasting onthe blacktop, the scent9 of the fresh blood pulsing through the air …I shuddered10 again, but not just in horror. Part of me shivered in desire. No, Iwould not have been able to watch her bleed without exposing us all in a much moreflagrant and shocking way.
It was a perfectly sound excuse…but I wouldn’t use it. It was too shameful11.
And I hadn’t thought of it until long after the fact, regardless.
Look out for Jasper, Emmett went on, oblivious12 to my reverie. He’s not asangry…but he’s more resolved.
I saw what he meant, and for a moment the room swam around me. My rage wasso all-consuming that a red haze13 clouded my vision. I thought I would choke on it.
SHEESH, EDWARD! GET A GRIP! Emmett shouted at me in his head. Hishand came down on my shoulder, holding me in my seat before I could jump to my feet.
He rarely used his full strength—there was rarely a need, for he was so much strongerthan any vampire any of us had ever encountered—but he used it now. He gripped myarm, rather than pushing me down. If he’d been pushing, the chair under me would havecollapsed.
EASY! He ordered.
I tried to calm myself, but it was hard. The rage burned in my head.
Jasper’s not going to do anything until we all talk. I just thought you shouldknow the direction he’s headed.
I concentrated on relaxing, and I felt Emmett’s hand loosen.
Try not to make more of a spectacle of yourself. You’re in enough trouble as it is.
I took a deep breath and Emmett released me.
I searched around the room routinely, but our confrontation15 had been so short andsilent that only a few people sitting behind Emmett had even noticed. None of themknew what to make of it, and they shrugged it off. The Cullens were freaks—everyoneknew that already.
Damn, kid, you’re a mess, Emmett added, sympathy in his tone.
“Bite me,” I muttered under my breath, and I heard his low chuckle16.
Emmett didn’t hold grudges17, and I probably ought to be more grateful for his easygoing nature. But I could see that Jasper’s intentions made sense to Emmett, that he wasconsidering how it might be the best course of action.
The rage simmered, barely under control. Yes, Emmett was stronger than I was,but he’d yet to beat me in a wrestling match. He claimed that this was because I cheated,but hearing thoughts was just as much a part of who I was as his immense strength was apart of him. We were evenly matched in a fight.
A fight? Was that where this was headed? Was I going to fight with my familyover a human I barely knew?
I thought about that for a moment, thought about the fragile feel of the girl’s bodyin my arms in juxtaposition18 with Jasper, Rose, and Emmett—supernaturally strong andfast, killing19 machines by nature…Yes, I would fight for her. Against my family. I shuddered.
But it wasn’t fair to leave her undefended when I was the one who’d put her indanger.
I couldn’t win alone, though, not against the three of them, and I wondered whomy allies would be.
Carlisle, certainly. He would not fight anyone, but he would be wholly againstRose’s and Jasper’s designs. That might be all I needed. I would see…Esme, doubtful. She would not side against me either, and she would hate todisagree with Carlisle, but she would be for any plan that kept her family intact. Her firstpriority would not be rightness, but me. If Carlisle was the soul of our family, then Esmewas the heart. He gave us a leader who deserved following; she made that following intoan act of love. We all loved each other—even under the fury I felt toward Jasper andRose right now, even planning to fight them to save the girl, I knew that I loved them.
Alice…I had no idea. It would probably depend on what she saw coming. Shewould side with the winner, I imagined.
So, I would have to do this without help. I wasn’t a match for them alone, but Iwasn’t going to let the girl be hurt because of me. That might mean evasive action…My rage dulled a bit with the sudden, black humor. I could imagine how the girlwould react to my kidnapping her. Of course, I rarely guessed her reactions right—butwhat other reaction could she have besides terror?
I wasn’t sure how to manage that, though—kidnapping her. I wouldn’t be able tostand being close to her for very long. Perhaps I would just deliver her back to hermother. Even that much would be fraught20 with danger. For her.
And also for me, I realized suddenly. If I were to kill her by accident… I wasn’tcertain exactly how much pain that would cause me, but I knew it would be multifacetedand intense.
The time passed quickly while I mulled over all the complications ahead of me:
the argument waiting for me at home, the conflict with my family, the lengths I might beforced to go to afterward…Well, I couldn’t complain that life outside this school was monotonous21 any more.
The girl had changed that much.
Emmett and I walked silently to the car when the bell rang. He was worryingabout me, and worrying about Rosalie. He knew whose side he would have to choose ina quarrel, and it bothered him.
The others were waiting for us in the car, also silent. We were a very quiet group.
Only I could hear the shouting.
Idiot! Lunatic! Moron22! Jackass! Selfish, irresponsible fool! Rosalie kept up aconstant stream of insults at the top of her mental lungs. It made it hard to hear theothers, but I ignored her as best I could.
Emmett was right about Jasper. He was sure of his course.
Alice was troubled, worrying about Jasper, flipping23 through images of the future.
No matter which direction Jasper came at the girl, Alice always saw me there, blockinghim. Interesting…neither Rosalie nor Emmett was with him in these visions. So Jasperplanned to work alone. That would even things up.
Jasper was the best, certainly the most experienced fighter among us. My oneadvantage lay in that I could hear his moves before he made them.
I had never fought more than playfully with Emmett or Jasper—just horsingaround. I felt sick at the thought of really trying to hurt Jasper…No, not that. Just to block him. That was all.
I concentrated on Alice, memorizing Jasper’s different avenues of attack.
As I did that, her visions shifted, moving further and further away from theSwan’s house. I was cutting him off earlier…Stop that, Edward! It can’t happen this way. I won’t let it.
I didn’t answer her, I just kept watching.
She began searching farther ahead, into the misty24, unsure realm of distantpossibilities. Everything was shadowy and vague.
The entire way home, the charged silence did not lift. I parked in the big garageoff the house; Carlisle’s Mercedes was there, next to Emmett’s big jeep, Rose’s M3 andmy Vanquish25. I was glad Carlisle was already home—this silence would endexplosively, and I wanted him there when that happened.
We went straight to the dining room.
The room was, of course, never used for its intended purpose. But it wasfurnished with a long oval mahogany table surrounded by chairs—we were scrupulousabout having all the correct props26 in place. Carlisle liked to use it as a conference room.
In a group with such strong and disparate personalities27, sometimes it was necessary todiscuss things in a calm, seated manner.
I had a feeling that the setting was not going to help much today.
Carlisle sat in his usual seat at the eastern head of the room. Esme was besidehim—they held hands on top of the table.
Esme’s eyes were on me, their golden depths full of concern.
Stay. It was her only thought.
I wished I could smile at the woman who was truly a mother to me, but I had noreassurances for her now.
I sat on Carlisle’s other side. Esme reached around him to put her free hand onmy shoulder. She had no idea of what was about to start; she was just worrying aboutme.
Carlisle had a better sense of what was coming. His lips were pressed tightlytogether and his forehead was creased28. The expression looked too old for his young face.
As everyone else sat, I could see the lines being drawn29.
Rosalie sat directly across from Carlisle, on the other end of the long table. Sheglared at me, never looking away.
Emmett sat beside her, his face and thoughts both wry30.
Jasper hesitated, and then went to stand against the wall behind Rosalie. He wasdecided, regardless of the outcome of this discussion. My teeth locked together.
Alice was the last to come in, and her eyes were focused on something far away—the future, still too indistinct for her to make use of it. Without seeming to think about it, she sat next to Esme. She rubbed her forehead as if she had a headache. Jasper twitcheduneasily and considered joining her, but he kept his place.
I took a deep breath. I had started this—I should speak first.
“I’m sorry,” I said, looking first at Rose, then Jasper and then Emmett. “I didn’tmean to put any of you at risk. It was thoughtless, and I take full responsibility for myhasty action.”
Rosalie glared at me balefully. “What do you mean, ‘take full responsibility’?
Are you going to fix it?”
“Not the way you mean,” I said, working to keep my voice even and quiet. “I’mwilling to leave now, if that makes things better.” If I believe that the girl will be safe, if Ibelieve that none of you will touch her, I amended32 in my head.
“No,” Esme murmured. “No, Edward.”
I patted her hand. “It’s just a few years.”
“Esme’s right, though,” Emmett said. “You can’t go anywhere now. That wouldbe the opposite of helpful. We have to know what people are thinking, now more thanever.”
“Alice will catch anything major,” I disagreed.
Carlisle shook his head. “I think Emmett is right, Edward. The girl will be morelikely to talk if you disappear. It’s all of us leave, or none of us.”
“She won’t say anything,” I insisted quickly. Rose was building up to theexplosion, and I wanted this fact out there first.
“You don’t know her mind,” Carlisle reminded me.
“I know this much. Alice, back me up.”
Alice stared up at me wearily. “I can’t see what will happen if we just ignorethis.” She glanced at Rose and Jasper.
No, she couldn’t see that future—not when Rosalie and Jasper were so decidedagainst ignoring the incident.
Rosalie’s palm smacked33 down on the table with a loud bang. “We can’t allow thehuman a chance to say anything. Carlisle, you must see that. Even if we decided31 to alldisappear, it’s not safe to leave stories behind us. We live so differently from the rest of our kind—you know there are those who would love an excuse to point fingers. We haveto be more careful than anyone else!”
“We’ve left rumors34 behind us before,” I reminded her.
“Just rumors and suspicions, Edward. Not eyewitnesses35 and evidence!”
But Jasper was nodding, his eyes hard.
“Rose—” Carlisle began.
“Let me finish, Carlisle. It doesn’t have to be any big production. The girl hit herhead today. So maybe that injury turns out to be more serious that it looked.” Rosalieshrugged. “Every mortal goes to sleep with the chance of never waking up. The otherswould expect us to clean up after ourselves. Technically37, that would make it Edward’sjob, but this is obviously beyond him. You know I’m capable of control. I would leaveno evidence behind me.”
“Yes, Rosalie, we all know how proficient38 an assassin you are,” I snarled39.
“Edward, please,” Carlisle said. Then he turned to Rosalie. “Rosalie, I lookedthe other way in Rochester because I felt that you were owed your justice. The men youkilled had wronged you monstrously41. This is not the same situation. The Swan girl is aninnocent.”
“It’s not personal, Carlisle,” Rosalie said through her teeth. “It’s to protect usall.”
There was a brief moment of silence while Carlisle thought through his answer.
When he nodded, Rosalie’s eyes lit up. She should have known better. Even if I hadn’tbeen able to read his thoughts, I could have anticipated his next words. Carlisle nevercompromised.
“I know you mean well, Rosalie, but…I’d like very much for our family to beworth protecting. The occasional…accident or lapse14 in control is a regrettable part ofwho we are.” It was very like him to include himself in the plural42, though he had neverhad such a lapse himself. “To murder a blameless child in cold blood is another thingentirely. I believe the risk she presents, whether she speaks her suspicions or not, is nothing to the greater risk. If we make exceptions to protect ourselves, we risksomething much more important. We risk losing the essence of who we are.”
I controlled my expression very carefully. It wouldn’t do at all to grin. Or toapplaud, as I wished I could.
Rosalie scowled44. “It’s just being responsible.”
“It’s being callous,” Carlisle corrected gently. “Every life is precious.”
Rosalie sighed heavily and her lower lip pouted45 out. Emmett patted her shoulder.
“It’ll be fine, Rose,” he encouraged in a low voice.
“The question,” Carlisle continued, “is whether we should move on?”
“No,” Rosalie moaned. “We just got settled. I don’t want to start on mysophomore year in high school again!”
“You could keep your present age, of course,” Carlisle said.
“And have to move again that much sooner?” she countered.
Carlisle shrugged.
“I like it here! There’s so little sun, we get to be almost normal.”
“Well, we certainly don’t have to decide now. We can wait and see if it becomesnecessary. Edward seems certain of the Swan girl’s silence.”
Rosalie snorted.
But I was no longer worried about Rose. I could see that she would go along withCarlisle’s decision, not matter how infuriated she was with me. Their conversation hadmoved on to unimportant details.
Jasper remained unmoved.
I understood why. Before he and Alice had met, he’d lived in a combat zone, arelentless theater of war. He knew the consequences of flouting46 the rules—he’d seen thegrisly aftermath with his own eyes.
It said much that he had not tried to calm Rosalie down with his extra faculties,nor did he now try to rile her up. He was holding himself aloof47 from this discussion—above it.
“Jasper,” I said.
He met my gaze, his face expressionless.
“She won’t pay for my mistake. I won’t allow that.”
“She benefits from it, then? She should have died today, Edward. I would onlyset that right.”
I repeated myself, emphasizing each word. “I will not allow it.”
His eyebrows48 shot up. He wasn’t expecting this—he hadn’t imagined that I wouldact to stop him.
He shook his head once. “I won’t let Alice live in danger, even a slight danger.
You don’t feel about anyone the way I feel about her, Edward, and you haven’t livedthrough what I’ve lived through, whether you’ve seen my memories or not. You don’tunderstand.”
“I’m not disputing that, Jasper. But I’m telling you now, I won’t allow you tohurt Isabella Swan.”
We stared at each other—not glaring, but measuring the opposition49. I felt himsample the mood around me, testing my determination.
“Jazz,” Alice said, interrupting us.
He held my gaze for a moment more, and then looked at her. “Don’t bothertelling me you can protect yourself, Alice. I already know that. I’ve still got to—”
“That’s not what I’m going say,” Alice interrupted. “I was going to ask you for afavor.”
I saw what was on her mind, and my mouth fell open with an audible gasp50. Istared at her, shocked, only vaguely51 aware that everyone besides Alice and Jasper wasnow eyeing me warily52.
“I know you love me. Thanks. But I would really appreciate it if you didn’t try tokill Bella. First of all, Edward’s serious and I don’t want you two fighting. Secondly,she’s my friend. At least, she’s going to be.”
It was clear as glass in her head: Alice, smiling, with her icy white arm around thegirl’s warm, fragile shoulders. And Bella was smiling, too, her arm around Alice’s waist.
The vision was rock solid; only the timing53 of it was unsure.
“But…Alice…” Jasper gasped54. I couldn’t manage to turn my head to see hisexpression. I couldn’t tear myself away from the image in Alice’s head in order to hearhis.
“I’m going to love her someday, Jazz. I’ll be very put out with you if you don’tlet her be.”
I was still locked into Alice’s thoughts. I saw the future shimmer55 as Jasper’sresolve floundered in the face of her unexpected request.
“Ah,” she sighed—his indecision had cleared a new future. “See? Bella’s notgoing to say anything. There’s nothing to worry about.”
The way she said the girl’s name…like they were already close confidants…“Alice,” I choked. “What…does this…?”
“I told you there was a change coming. I don’t know, Edward.” But she lockedher jaw56, and I could see that there was more. She was trying not to think about it; shewas focusing very hard on Jasper suddenly, though he was too stunned57 to haveprogressed much in his decision making.
She did this sometimes when she was trying to keep something from me.
“What, Alice? What are you hiding?”
I heard Emmett grumble58. He always got frustrated59 when Alice and I had thesekinds of conversations.
She shook her head, trying to not let me in.
“Is it about the girl?” I demanded. “Is it about Bella?”
She had her teeth gritted60 in concentration, but when I spoke61 Bella’s name, sheslipped. Her slip only lasted the tiniest portion of a second, but that was long enough.
“NO!” I shouted. I heard my chair hit the floor, and only then realized I was onmy feet.
“Edward!” Carlisle was on his feet, too, his arm on my shoulder. I was barelyaware of him.
“It’s solidifying,” Alice whispered. “Every minute you’re more decided.
There’re really only two ways left for her. It’s one or the other, Edward.”
I could see what she saw…but I could not accept it.
“No,” I said again; there was no volume to my denial. My legs felt hollow, and Ihad to brace62 myself against the table.
“Will somebody please let the rest of us in on the mystery?” Emmett complained.
“I have to leave,” I whispered to Alice, ignoring him.
“Edward, we’ve already been over that,” Emmett said loudly. “That’s the bestway to start the girl talking. Besides, if you take off, we won’t know for sure if she’stalking or not. You have to stay and deal with this.”
“I don’t see you going anywhere, Edward,” Alice told me. “I don’t know if youcan leave anymore.” Think about it, she added silently. Think about leaving.
I saw what she meant. Yes, the idea of never seeing the girl again was…painful.
But it was also necessary. I couldn’t sanction either future I’d apparently63 condemned64 herto.
I’m not entirely43 sure of Jasper, Edward, Alice went on. If you leave, if he thinksshe’s a danger to us…“I don’t hear that,” I contradicted her, still only halfway65 aware of our audience.
Jasper was wavering. He would not do something that would hurt Alice.
Not right this moment. Will you risk her life, leave her undefended?
“Why are you doing this to me?” I groaned66. My head fell into my hands.
I was not Bella’s protector. I could not be that. Wasn’t Alice’s divided futureenough proof of that?
I love her, too. Or I will. It’s not the same, but I want her around for that.
“Love her, too?” I whispered, incredulous.
She sighed. You are so blind, Edward. Can’t you see where you’re headed?
Can’t you see where you already are? It’s more inevitable67 than the sun rising in the east.
See what I see…I shook my head, horrified68. “No.” I tried to shut out the visions she revealed tome. “I don’t have to follow that course. I’ll leave. I will change the future.”
“You can try,” she said, her voice skeptical69.
“Oh, come on!” Emmett bellowed70.
“Pay attention,” Rose hissed at him. “Alice sees him falling for a human! Howclassically Edward!” She made a gagging sound.
I scarcely heard her.
“What?” Emmett said, startled. Then his booming laugh echoed through theroom. “Is that what’s been going on?” He laughed again. “Tough break, Edward.”
I felt his hand on my shoulder, and I shook it off absently. I couldn’t payattention to him.
“Fall for a human?” Esme repeated in a stunned voice. “For the girl he savedtoday? Fall in love with her?”
“What do you see, Alice? Exactly,” Jasper demanded.
She turned toward him; I continued to stare numbly71 at the side of her face.
“It all depends on whether he is strong enough or not. Either he’ll kill herhimself” —she turned to meet my gaze again, glaring— “which would really irritate me,Edward, not to mention what it would do to you—” she faced Jasper again, “or she’ll beone of us someday.”
Someone gasped; I didn’t look to see who.
“That’s not going to happen!” I was shouting again. “Either one!”
Alice didn’t seem to hear me. “It all depends,” she repeated. “He may be juststrong enough not to kill her—but it will be close. It will take an amazing amount ofcontrol,” she mused72. “More even than Carlisle has. He may be just strong enough…The only thing he’s not strong enough to do is stay away from her. That’s a lost cause.”
I couldn’t find my voice. No one else seemed to be able to either. The room wasstill.
I stared at Alice, and everyone else stared at me. I could see my own horrifiedexpression from five different viewpoints.
After a long moment, Carlisle sighed.
“Well, this…complicates things.”
“I’ll say,” Emmett agreed. His voice was still close to laughter. Trust Emmett tofind the joke in the destruction of my life.
“I suppose the plans remain the same, though,” Carlisle said thoughtfully. “We’llstay, and watch. Obviously, no one will…hurt the girl.”
“No,” Jasper said quietly. “I can agree to that. If Alice sees only two ways—”
“No!” My voice was not a shout or a growl74 or a cry of despair, but somecombination of the three. “No!”
I had to leave, to be away from the noise of their thoughts—Rosalie’s self-righteous disgust, Emmett’s humor, Carlisle’s never ending patience…Worse: Alice’s confidence. Jasper’s confidence in that confidence.
Worst of all: Esme’s…joy.
I stalked out of the room. Esme touched my arm as I passed, but I didn’tacknowledge the gesture.
I was running before I was out of the house. I cleared the river in one bound, andraced into the forest. The rain was back again, falling so heavily that I was drenched75 in afew moments. I liked the thick sheet of water—it made a wall between me and the rest ofthe world. It closed me in, let me be alone.
I ran due east, over and through the mountains without breaking my straightcourse, until I could see the lights of Seattle on the other side of the sound. I stoppedbefore I touched the borders of human civilization.
Shut in by the rain, all alone, I finally made myself look at what I had done—atthe way I had mutilated the future.
First, the vision of Alice and the girl with their arms around each other—the trustand friendship was so obvious it shouted from the image. Bella’s wide chocolate eyeswere not bewildered in this vision, but still full of secrets—in this moment, they seemedto be happy secrets. She did not flinch76 away from Alice’s cold arm.
What did it mean? How much did she know? In that still-life moment from thefuture, what did she think of me?
Then the other image, so much the same, yet now colored by horror. Alice andBella, their arms still wrapped around each other in trusting friendship. But now therewas no difference between those arms—both were white, smooth as marble, hard as steel.
Bella’s wide eyes were no longer chocolate. The irises77 were a shocking, vivid crimson78.
The secrets in them were unfathomable—acceptance or desolation? It was impossible totell. Her face was cold and immortal79.
I shuddered. I could not suppress the questions, similar, but different: What did itmean—how had this come about? And what did she think of me now?
I could answer that last one. If I forced her into this empty half-life through myweakness and selfishness, surely she would hate me.
But there was one more horrifying80 image—worse than any image I’d ever heldinside my head.
My own eyes, deep crimson with human blood, the eyes of the monster. Bella’sbroken body in my arms, ashy white, drained, lifeless. It was so concrete, so clear.
I couldn’t stand to see this. Could not bear it. I tried to banish81 it from my mind,tried to see something else, anything else. Tried to see again the expression on her livingface that had obstructed82 my view for the last chapter of my existence. All to no avail.
Alice’s bleak83 vision filled my head, and I writhed84 internally with the agony itcaused. Meanwhile, the monster in me was overflowing85 with glee, jubilant at thelikelihood of his success. It sickened me.
This could not be allowed. There had to be a way to circumvent86 the future. Iwould not let Alice’s visions direct me. I could choose a different path. There wasalways a choice.
There had to be.
第四章 幻像我回到学校。这是正确的做法，这么做最不会引起人们注意。
这天快结束的时候，几乎所有学生都回来上课了，只有泰勒和贝拉，还有少数几个人——可能是把这场意外当作是逃学的借口——依然缺席。
对我来说，要做恰当的事不会很难。可是整个下午，我都在咬紧牙关抵挡自己想要逃学的强烈愿望——为的是再次寻找那个女孩。
就像一个潜行者，一个被时刻困扰住的潜行者，一个被时刻困扰住的吸血鬼潜行者。
学校今天——不知怎么的——似乎比刚刚过去的那个星期更乏味。仿佛晕眩一般。砖头、树木、天空，还有我周围那些脸孔，好像都变得歪曲了，我盯着墙上的裂缝。
还有一件正确的事是我应该做的，可我没有。当然，那也是一件错误的事。这要看你怎么看。
作为卡伦家的一员——不仅仅是一个吸血鬼，而是作为卡伦家的一份子，作为这个家的一员，我应该像这么做：
（看到你回来上课，我太惊讶了，爱德华！我听说你卷入了早上那场可怕的意外。”
“是的，班纳先生，不过我很幸运。”带着友好的笑容。“我没有受伤。真希望泰勒和贝拉也能这样。”
“他们怎么样了？”
“泰勒很好只是一点皮外伤，被玻璃刮伤的。至于贝拉，我就不清楚了。”担忧地皱眉，“她可能受了脑震荡。我听说她现在说话语无伦次——甚至出现幻觉。我知道医生很担心她。”）事情本该如此。我知道为了我们家我应该这么做。
“看到你回来上课我太惊讶了，爱德华！我听说你卷入了早上那场可怕的意外。”
“我没事。”没有笑容。
班纳先生感到不自在。
“你知道泰勒和贝拉斯旺怎么样了吗？我听说有人受伤了”
我冷淡地耸肩。“我不知道。”
班纳先生清了清嗓子。“呃……好吧……”我冰冷的目光让他的声音听起来有点紧张。
他快步走回课室前面开始讲课。
这么做是错误的。除非你从另外一个角度来看。
在背后中伤那个女孩似乎不太仗义，尤其是事实证明她比我原先想的更值得信赖。她没有对任何人泄露我的秘密，尽管她完全有理由这么做。在她替我保守秘密的时候，我要背叛她吗？
我对高夫人也是这番说辞——只不过是用西班牙语而非英语——爱美特久久地注视着我。
（我希望你对今天发生的事有一个很好的解释，罗斯正准备采取行动呢。）我移开目光没有看他。
实际上，我已经有了一个听起来很好的解释。假设我没有阻止那辆卡车撞向那女孩……这种想法让我畏缩了一下。但是如果她被卡车撞到了，如果她被撞得鲜血淋漓，那鲜红的液体就会喷出来，洒满整条柏油路，鲜血的香气将渗透在空气中……我又打了一个哆嗦，但不仅仅是因为恐惧。我因渴望而颤抖。不，我不能让她在我面前流血，这只会以一种更骇人的方式把我们暴露出来。
这个理由听起来很完美，但我不打算用它，因为这太丢脸了。
而且不管怎么说，这个理由是我事后才想到的。
去找贾斯帕，爱美特出去了，没有察觉到我陷入沉思。他看起来不那么生气……不过好像下定了决心。
我看到他是什么意思了，一瞬间房间在我眼前扭曲。我出离愤怒，眼前笼罩着一片红雾，我想我快要窒息了。
天啊，爱德华，控制住你自己！爱美特在他的脑子里冲我大叫。他把手压住我的肩膀，在我要跳起来之前把我按在座位上。他很少会用尽全力——基本上没有必要，因为他比我们曾经遇到过的任何一个吸血鬼都要强壮——不过他现在正用尽全力。他夹住我的胳膊，差点把我推倒。如果他不这样做的话，我底下那张椅子就会倒塌。
放松点儿。他命令我。
我试图让自己镇静下来，但那很难。怒火还在我体内燃烧。
在我们谈完之前，贾斯帕不会采取任何行动。我只是想你应该知道他打算干什么。
我感觉到爱美特松开了手臂。
别再干蠢事了！你已经够危险的了！
我深吸了一口气，爱美特放开了我。
我例行公事地搜索了一遍这房间，不过我们的对质是那么的短暂和安静，只有坐在爱美特后面的那几个人留意到了，他们不知道这是怎么回事，所以他们耸耸肩置之不理。卡伦一家都是怪物——大家早就知道了。
该死的，小子！你看起来糟透了。爱美特加上一句，声音里不无同情。
“咬我吧。”我轻声嘟哝，然后我听到他低声笑了。
爱美特没有感到不满，我很感激他这么容易相处的个性。不过我看得出贾斯帕的打算正影响着爱美特，他正考虑怎么做才是最好的。
我的盛怒正蓄势待发，只不过现在被压制住了。没错，爱美特是比我强壮，不过他也不能在摔跤比赛中击败我。他声称这是因为我作弊，然而听到想法正是我的优势，正如力气是他的优势一样。我们在搏斗中也是旗鼓相当。
一场战斗？事情会朝着这个方向发展吗？我会为了一个刚刚认识的人而同我的整个家族作战吗？
我沉思片刻，我在想那女孩的身体在我臂膀中时那份脆弱的感觉，想到贾斯帕、罗斯和爱美特——超自然的力量和速度，天生的杀人机器。
是的，我会为她而战，对抗我的整个家族。我颤抖了。
不过，单打独斗我不可能获胜，我不能一个对付他们三个，我想知道谁会站在我这边。
卡莱尔无疑会站在我这边。他不会跟任何人战斗，不过他会彻底反对罗斯和贾斯帕的计划。
这也许就是我想要的。我能看到……爱斯梅就不一定了。她不会站到反对我的那一边，而且她也不喜欢跟卡莱尔意见不一，不过她会想尽一切办法让我们家保持团结。如果说卡莱尔是我们家的灵魂，那么爱斯梅就是我们 家的心脏。他是我们的领导者，我们追随着他，而她则将这种追随变成一种爱。我们都彼此深爱对方——尽管现在我体内充满对罗斯和贾斯帕的盛怒，尽管我正准备为了救那女孩而与他们为战，我知道我依然深爱他们。
爱丽丝我没有什么主意。这也许要依赖于她所预见的。我猜她将会站在胜利的一方。
那么，现在我正孤立无援。论单打独斗，我不是他们的对手，但是我不会让那个女孩因为我而受伤害。这是一种逃避责任的行为一股突如其来的黑色幽默让我的愤怒减弱了些，我能想像那个女孩对我的诱骗行为会有怎样的反应。当然，对于她的反应，我很少能猜对——不过除了厌恶之外，她还能有什么别的反应呢？
我不知道该怎么做——诱骗她。我不能长时间待在她身边。也许我应该把她送回她母亲身边。
尽管这么做会有多么危险。为了她。
这也是为了我，我突然意识到。如果我让她死于那场意外……我不能肯定那会带给我多大的痛苦，但我知道那一定会极其强烈。
当我把摆在我面前的难题都深思熟虑过一遍的时候，时间飞快过去了。家里一场争论正等着我，和我家人起冲突，这一点我不得不去面对好吧，我再也不能抱怨学校之外的生活是那么单调乏味了。那个女孩已经大大改变了它。
下课铃打响后，爱美特和我安静地走向车子。他正在担心我，也担心罗莎莉。他知道在这场争辩中他不得不支持哪一方，这让他感到烦恼。
其余的人正在车里等着我们，全都很安静。我们这群人都很安静。只有我能听见那些喊声。
白痴！疯子！傻瓜！自私、不负责任的蠢货！罗莎莉气炸了肺，一连串难听的咒骂从她脑子里涌出来。这让我很难听见别人的声音，不过我尽可能忽略掉她。
爱丽丝正陷入麻烦中，她正担心贾斯帕，匆匆查看未来的影像。不管从哪个方向看，贾斯帕向那女孩走去，爱丽丝总能看到我在那里，和他搏斗。有趣的是，罗莎莉和爱美特都不在这些影像里。看来贾斯帕是打算单独行动。那我们就可以势均力敌了。
贾斯帕无疑是我们当中最优秀、经验最丰富的战士。我最有利的条件是，当他采取行动之前，我可以听见。
除了玩耍，我从来没有和贾斯帕、爱美特交过手——一想到我会真的伤害贾斯帕，我就感到不快。
不，不是那样的。仅仅是阻挡他，那就行了。
我将注意力集中在爱丽丝身上，熟记贾斯帕不同的进攻手段。
当我这样做的时候，她的影像转变了，远离斯旺家，朝更遥远更遥远的未来搜索……我会提前截下他……停下来，爱德华！这样的事情不会发生的！我不会让它发生！
我没有回应她，继续看着。
她开始搜寻更遥远的未来，那模糊不清的，难以把握的遥远的领域。一切都像影子一般模糊不清。
当我们全部到家后，这份暴风雨来临之前的死寂还没有解除。我把车子停进房子后面的车库里，卡莱尔的黑色奔驰停在那里，挨着爱美特的大吉普，罗莎莉的M3 和我的阿奇顿?马丁。
我很高兴卡莱尔在家——这样的沉默即将结束，我希望当事情发生时他能够在场。
我们径直走进餐厅。
当然这间餐厅从来没有被派上用场。不过它摆放了一张长长的椭圆形的红木桌子，周围放了一圈椅子——我们一丝不苟地按照餐厅应有的样子来布置它。卡莱尔喜欢用它来作会议室。
对这样一个如此强劲而又极具攻击性的群体来说，有时候很有必要心平气和地坐下来讨论问题。
我觉得这样的环境对今天这种情况不会有多大帮助。
卡莱尔坐在餐厅东面他常用的位子上，爱斯梅站在他旁边，他们握住的手放在桌面上。
爱斯梅看着我，金色眼珠里充满了焦虑。
留下来。她的脑子里只有这个想法。
我真的很想向这个如我生母一般的女人微笑，不过我现在对她仍有疑虑。
我坐在卡莱尔的另一边。艾斯梅的手臂绕过卡莱尔，用另外一只手搭在我的肩膀上。她不知道接下来将发生什么事，她只是在替我担心。
卡莱尔的感觉比她要敏锐。他的嘴唇紧抿，前额出现皱纹。这个表情对他年青的脸庞来说太老了。
当全部人都就坐后，我看到了一条分界线。
罗莎莉径直走到卡莱尔的对面坐下，坐在长桌的另一头。她用愤怒的目光注视着我。
爱美特坐在她旁边，他的脸和想法都是苦笑的。
贾斯帕犹豫了片刻，然后就走到罗莎莉身后，紧贴墙站着。他已经下定决心了，不管这场讨论的结果如何。我咬紧牙关。
爱丽丝是最后一个进来的，她的目光仍注视着远方——未来，那对她来说依然模糊不清，难以把握。她似乎想也不想地就坐在爱斯梅身边。她揉着额头，好像得了头疼一样。贾斯帕不安地抽搐了一下，他想走到她那边去，不过还是留在原地。
我深深吸了口气。我必须先开始——我得先说。
“我很抱歉。”我说道，我首先看了罗莎莉一眼，然后是贾斯帕和爱美特。“我并不想让你们中的任何一个卷入危险。我会为我轻率的行为负全部责任。”
罗莎莉恶狠狠地瞪着我。“你是什么意思，‘负全部责任’，你打算弥补它吗？”
“不是用你想的那种方式，”我轻声说道，迫使自己的声音平稳宁静，“如果能让情况变好的话，我非常愿意现在离开。”如果我能确信那个女孩是安全的，如果我能确信你们中没有人会伤害她。我在脑子里订正。
“不，”爱斯梅低语。“别这么做，爱德华。”
我拍了拍她的手。“只是短短几年。”
“爱斯梅说得没错，”爱美特说，“你现在哪儿也不能去。离开无济于事。我们必需知道人们是怎么想的，比以前更需要。”
“爱丽丝会关注的。”我不同意道。
卡莱尔摇头。“爱斯梅说得对。如果你走了，那个女孩可能会更加谈论你。要么我们都离开，要么我们一个也不走。”
“她什么也不会说的。”我飞快地说，语气很坚决。罗斯正打算发作，我希望这一事实能先提出来。
“你不知道她的心思。”卡莱尔提醒我。
“我知道得很清楚，爱丽丝会支持我。”
爱丽丝疲倦地抬眼看我。“我不知道接下来会发生什么——如果我们置之不理的话。”她朝罗 莎莉和贾斯帕看了一眼。
是的，她看不见未来——要是罗莎莉和贾斯帕执意要采取行动的话。
罗莎莉砰地一声将手重重地拍在桌子上。“我们不能让人有机会对我们说三道四。卡莱尔，你应该知道的。即使我们决定全部离开，那些留下来的风言风语也会让我们不安全。我们的生活方式跟我们的族类是那么地不同——你知道总有人爱找借口指责我们。我们不得不比任何人都小心。”
“我们之前已经留下风言风语了。”我提醒她。
“那些只是谣言和猜测，爱德华，并没有目击者和证据。”
“证据。”我嘲笑道。
不过贾斯帕点了点头，他的目光冷酷无情。
“罗斯——”卡莱尔开始说道。
“让我把话说完，卡莱尔。我们不必夸大问题的严重性。那个女孩今天撞到了头，那么很可能她的伤势会比看起来的变得更严重。”罗莎莉耸耸肩。“每个人都有可能会一睡不醒。从技术层面上说，这本来是爱德华的活儿，不过很显然他现在干不了啦。你知道我可以控制自己，我不会留下任何证据的。”
“是啊，罗莎莉，我们都知道你有多么精通暗杀。”我咆哮说。
她愤怒地对我发出嘘声。
“爱德华，求你了。”卡莱尔说道，然后他转向罗莎莉。“罗莎莉，我用另一种方式看待罗彻斯特的事，因为我觉得你应该得到你的公正。你杀死的那些男人对你犯下不可饶恕的罪过。
但是现在的情况不一样。那个叫斯旺的女孩是无辜的。”
“这不是为了我自己，卡莱尔。”罗莎莉从牙缝里挤出这句话，“这是为了保护我们大家。”
在卡莱尔作出回复前，房子里出现了片刻的宁静。她本该知道的。即使我没有读心的能力，我也能料到他接下来会说什么。卡莱尔从不妥协。
“我知道你的好意，罗莎莉……但是，我更情愿我们能保护那些更有价值的东西。偶尔，我们会令人懊悔地出现一些控制之下的意外或失误，”他说的“我们”似乎也包括他自己，尽管他从来也没有失误过。“可残忍地杀害一个孩子是另一回事。我相信她的存在将给我们带来危险，不管她会不会将她的怀疑告诉别人，但这并不是最大的威胁。如果我们要为了保护自己而违背原则，那么我们将冒更严重的风险。我们将冒失去我们最可贵的本质的风险。”
我小心翼翼地控制自己的表情。我不该咧开嘴笑或鼓掌称赞，虽然我很想这么做。
罗莎莉面露怒色。“这是负责任的做法。”
“这是无情的。”卡莱尔轻柔地纠正她，“每一个生命都是弥足珍贵的。”
罗莎莉重重地叹气，撅起嘴唇。爱美特拍拍她的肩膀。“一切都会好起来的，罗斯。”他低声鼓励她。
“现在的问题是……”卡莱尔继续说，“我们是不是应该离开这里？”
“不，”罗莎莉呻吟道，“我们才刚刚安顿下来。我不想留在高中再读一次二年级。”
“你当然可以保持你现在的年纪。”卡莱尔说道。
“我们一定要这么快搬走吗？”她反对说。
卡莱尔耸耸肩。
“我喜欢这儿！这里阳光稀少，我们几乎可以和正常人一样。”
“好吧，我们用不着现在就做决定。我们可以等等看是否有这个必要。爱德华似乎很肯定那个女孩会保持沉默。”
罗莎莉轻蔑地喷鼻。
不过我已经用不着担心罗斯了。我知道她会按照卡莱尔的决定去做，不管现在她有多生我的气。他们的谈话正朝着一些不重要的细节发展。
贾斯帕还是无动于衷。
我能理解这是为什么。在他遇到爱丽丝以前，他一直生活在战争地带，经受过无情的战火的洗礼。他知道藐视规则的后果——他亲眼目睹过这可怕的后果。
“贾斯帕。”我说道。
他面无表情地看着我。
“她不该为我的错误付出代价。我不允许你这么做。”
“那么她从中获益了。她今天本来应该死的，爱德华。我只是纠正它。”
我把话重复了一遍，一字一句地强调：“我不允许你这么做。”
他的眉头挑高了。他没有料到这一点——他没有料到我会阻止他。
他摇一下头。“我不会让爱丽丝生活在危险中，哪怕是微不足道的危险。你不会像我那样考虑她，而且你没有经历过我经历的生活，不管你有没有在我记忆里看见过。你不理解。”
“我不想和你辩论那个，贾斯帕。但是我现在告诉你，我不准你伤害贝拉?斯旺。”
我们盯着对方——不是凝视，而是在权衡对手。我感觉到他在体验我的情绪，测试我的决心。
“杰斯。”爱丽丝打断了我们。
他看向她“不要告诉我你能保护好自己，爱丽丝。我已经知道了。我还是要——”
“我不是要说这个……”爱丽丝打断他说，“我只是想请你帮个忙。”
我看见她脑子里的图像，我张大了嘴巴，倒吸一口凉气。我惊愕地瞪着她，心不在焉地意识到除了爱丽丝和贾斯帕之外，每个人都在警惕地看着我。
“我知道你爱我，谢谢你。不过如果你能够尝试不杀死贝拉的话，我会感激不尽的。首先，爱德华是认真的，我不想你们两个打起来。其次，她是我的朋友。至少，她将会成为我的朋友。”
她脑海中的图像就像镜子一样清晰：爱丽丝带着微笑，将她冰冷而苍白的手搭住那女孩温暖、单薄的肩膀。贝拉也在微笑，她的手臂挽住爱丽丝的腰。
这幅图景十分真实，只是它出现的时机令人毫无把握。
“可是爱丽丝，”贾斯帕喘着气说，我没办法转过头去看他的表情。我无法从爱丽丝脑中的图像里抽身出来去听他的声音。
“我会爱她，在将来的某一天，杰斯。如果你不放过她的话，我会和你翻脸的。”
她的想法困住了我。我看见未来正闪烁微光，而贾斯帕在面对爱丽丝意想不到的请求时，内心挣扎不定。
“啊，”爱丽丝叹息——他的优柔寡断替一个新的未来扫清了障碍。“看到了吗？贝拉不会说什么的。没什么好担心的。”
她说那女孩名字时的语气——就好像她们已经是心腹知己。
“爱丽丝——”我哽住了。“这是……什么……”
“我能告诉你一场改变即将到来。我不知道那是什么改变，爱德华。”不过她绷紧了下巴，我能看出那里还有更多的东西。她努力不去想它；她突然把注意力完全集中在贾斯帕身上，尽管他已经太过吃惊而无法再做决定了。
有时，当她试图向我隐瞒些什么的时候，她就会这么做。
“什么，爱丽丝？你想对我隐瞒什么？”
我听到爱美特在发牢骚。当我和爱丽丝在进行这种方式的谈话时，他总会感到挫败。
她摇头，不想让我走进她的脑子。
“是和那女孩有关的吗？”我追问。“和贝拉有关吗？”
她咬紧牙关，集中精神，不过当我说到贝拉的名字时，她犯了一个失误。她的失误仅仅持续了一秒钟，不过对我来说已经足够了。
“不！”我大叫道。我听到我的椅子撞倒在地，然后我才意识到自己站了起来。
“爱德华。”卡莱尔也站了起来，他的手按住我的肩膀。我几乎没有察觉。
“它变得更固定了，”爱丽丝低语，“每一分钟，你都变得更明确。留给她的只有两条路。这一条或者那一条，爱德华。”
我能看到她所预见的……但我不能接受。
“不。”我又说了一遍，我的否定软弱无力。我的脚同样软弱无力，我不得不扶住桌子边缘，让自己能站稳。
“谁能替我们其他人知道揭开谜底吗？”爱美特抱怨说。
“我得离开。”我对爱丽丝低语，不去管他。
“爱德华，这点我们已经讨论过了。”爱美特大声说道。“而且，如果你逃走了，我们就无法确定那个女孩会不会说出去了。你必须留下来处理这件事。”
“我没看见你去任何地方。”爱丽丝对我说。“我不知道你是不是还能离开。”（想一想这个吧，）她默默地加上一句，（想一想离开……）我明白她的意思。再也见不到那女孩，这个想法是那么令人痛苦。但是非如此不可。我不能允许有这样的未来。
（我还不能完全肯定贾斯帕，）爱丽丝继续想道，（如果你走了，如果他认为她对我们有危险……）“我不想听了。”我反驳她，不过我对我们的听众还不是十拿九稳。贾斯帕正摇摆不定。他不想做出一些伤害爱丽丝的事。
（现在还不是时候。你想毫无防备地离开她，让她冒生命危险吗？）“你为什么要这样对待我？”我呻吟着，把脸埋进掌心。
（我也爱她。或者说我将会爱她。这跟你的不一样，不过我需要她在身边。）“也爱她？”我低语，带着疑惑。
她叹息着。（你是多么盲目啊，爱德华。难道你看不见自己正朝哪个方向前进吗？难道你看不见你已经陷进去了吗？这是不可避免的，就像太阳一定会从东方升起一样。看见我所预见的……）我惊悸地摇头。“不。”我试图排斥她向我透露的景象。“我不会允许这种事情发生的，我会离开，我会改变未来……”
“你可以尝试。”她说道，声音里充满怀疑。
“哦，得了吧。”爱美特咆哮道。
“专心点。”罗莎莉向他发出嘘声。“爱丽丝看见他爱上人类。那么正统的爱德华！”她取笑道。
我几乎没听见她在说什么。
“什么？”爱美特震惊地说，然后他大笑起来，笑声回荡在房间里。“已经开始了吗？”他再度大笑。“破天荒啊，爱德华。”
我感觉他的手放在我的肩膀上，我茫然地甩开了。我没法把注意力放在他身上。
“爱上一个人类？”艾斯梅用大吃一惊的语气重复。“是那个他今天救下的女孩吗？他爱上了她吗？”
“你究竟看见了什么？”贾斯帕询问。
她转向他，我依然瞪着她的侧脸，呆若木鸡。
“这要看他是否足够坚强。要么爱德华将亲手杀死她”——她转过来与我对视，“那真的让我很着急，爱德华，更不用说那对你的影响了——”她把脸再次转向贾斯帕，“要么她将在某一天成为我们中的一员。”
有人倒吸了口凉气，我没有去看是谁。
“这不会发生！”我再次朝她大喊。“两种都不会。”
爱丽丝好像没有听到我的话。“这完全视情况而定。”她重复道，“也许他足够坚强，能够不杀死她——不过会很接近。那需要极大的自控力。”她沉思自语说。“甚至比卡莱尔更多。他也许只是勉强够坚强……他唯一无法做到的就是让自己坚强到离开她。那是注定要失败的行为。”
我不能说话了。没有一个人能开口说话。房间一片死寂。
我盯着爱丽丝，其他人都盯着我看。我能够从五个不同的角度看见自己惊悸的表情。
良久过后，卡莱尔叹息。
“好吧……这事很复杂。”
“我也这么看。”爱美特表示同意。他的声音还带着笑意。相信爱美特已经在我被毁掉的人生里找到乐趣了。
“不过，我想我们还是照原定计划。”卡莱尔思付道。“我们会留下来，看一看……很显然，没有人会伤害那个女孩。”
我的身体变得僵硬了。
“对。”贾斯帕静静地说道。“我同意。如果爱丽丝只看到两条路——”
“不！”我的声音不像叫喊，不像咆哮或者是绝望的哭喊，而是三者合一。“不！”
我必须离开，远离他们的噪声——罗莎莉的嫌恶，爱美特的诙谐，卡莱尔永无止境的耐心……更糟的是：爱丽丝的自信。贾斯帕建立在她的自信上的自信。
最最糟糕的是：艾斯梅的……高兴？
我大步走出房间。当我擦身而过时，艾斯梅伸手碰了碰我的肩膀，我对她这一表示毫无谢意。
在我走出房子前，我已经跑起来了。我一跳越过小河，迅速掠进森林。雨又回来了，下得那么大，我很快就浑身湿透。我喜欢这密集的水流，好像一堵墙，将我和外面的世界隔开。它们包围着我，让我可以一个人待着。
我朝东面奔跑，笔直地穿过山峦，直到我看到西雅图的灯火。在我快要踏进人类文明的边界线时，我停了下来。
在我独自躲在雨中时，我终于能让自己去审视我的所作所为——审视被我弄得残破不堪的未来。
首先，爱丽丝和那女孩手挽手走在一起的情景——信任和友谊是那么地明显，从图像中呼之欲出。贝拉大大的巧克力色的眼睛里没有迷惑，但仍然充满了秘密——在那一刻，它们似乎是愉快的秘密。她没有因爱丽丝冰冷的手臂而退缩。
那是什么意思？她了解多少？她是怎么看我的？
然后是另一幅图像，几乎和第一幅一样，然而现在染上了令人恐惧的色彩。爱丽丝和贝拉，她们的手臂仍然缠绕在一起，带着信任和友谊。然而现在这两条手臂变得毫无区别——同样苍白，像大理石一样光滑，像钢铁一样坚硬。贝拉的大眼睛不再是巧克力色的了。她的虹膜变成了一种令人触目惊心的，鲜艳的深红色。那双眼眸中的秘密变成了难解的谜——是认可还是凄凉？我无法分辨。她的脸孔冰冷，永生不朽。
我战栗了。我无法压抑内心的疑问，相同却又不一样的疑问：这是什么意思？——它是怎么发生的？还有，她现在会怎么看我？
我可以回答最后那个问题。如果我把她推向这种空虚的人生，因着我的软弱和自私。她一定会恨我。
然而，还有一个更恐怖的图景——比我脑海中见过的任何图景都可怕。
我自己的眼睛，被人类的鲜血染红的眼睛，那双魔鬼的眼睛。在我的臂膀中，贝拉破碎的身体变得苍白、僵硬、毫无生气。这是那么明确，那么清晰。
我再也看不下去了。再也不能承受。我试图将它从我脑子里驱逐出去，试图去看别的东西，别的什么都行。我试图再看一眼她的表情，她那活生生的脸孔上的表情，让它堵住我的视线，成为我生命中最后一个章节。
爱丽丝阴冷的幻象充斥着我的大脑。与此同时，我体内的魔鬼正溢满欢喜，为他成功的可能性欢呼雀跃。这让我恶心。
这是不被允许的。一定有别的办法回避这个未来。我不会被爱丽丝的幻象牵着鼻子走。我可以选择一条不同的道路。我们总是可以选择的。
一定可以。
收听单词发音 |
1
yearning
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| a.渴望的；向往的；怀念的 | |
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vampire
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| n.吸血鬼 | |
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concussion
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| n.脑震荡；震动 | |
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shrugged
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| vt.耸肩（shrug的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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slander
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| n./v.诽谤，污蔑 | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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recoiled
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| v.畏缩( recoil的过去式和过去分词 )；退缩；报应；返回 | |
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mangled
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| vt.乱砍（mangle的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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scent
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| n.气味，香味，香水，线索，嗅觉；v.嗅，发觉 | |
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shuddered
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| v.战栗( shudder的过去式和过去分词 )；发抖；（机器、车辆等）突然震动；颤动 | |
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shameful
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| adj.可耻的，不道德的 | |
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oblivious
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| adj.易忘的，遗忘的，忘却的，健忘的 | |
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haze
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| n.霾，烟雾；懵懂，迷糊；vi.(over)变模糊 | |
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lapse
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| n.过失，流逝，失效，抛弃信仰，间隔；vi.堕落，停止，失效，流逝；vt.使失效 | |
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confrontation
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| n.对抗，对峙，冲突 | |
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chuckle
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| vi.／n.轻声笑，咯咯笑 | |
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grudges
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| 不满，怨恨，妒忌( grudge的名词复数 ) | |
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juxtaposition
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| n.毗邻，并置，并列 | |
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killing
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| n.巨额利润；突然赚大钱，发大财 | |
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fraught
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| adj.充满…的，伴有(危险等)的；忧虑的 | |
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monotonous
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| adj.单调的，一成不变的，使人厌倦的 | |
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moron
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| n.极蠢之人，低能儿 | |
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flipping
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| 讨厌之极的 | |
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misty
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| adj.雾蒙蒙的，有雾的 | |
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vanquish
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| v.征服，战胜；克服；抑制 | |
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props
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| 小道具； 支柱( prop的名词复数 )； 支持者； 道具； （橄榄球中的）支柱前锋 | |
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personalities
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| n. 诽谤，（对某人容貌、性格等所进行的）人身攻击； 人身攻击；人格, 个性, 名人( personality的名词复数 ) | |
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creased
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| （使…）起折痕，弄皱( crease的过去式和过去分词 )； （皮肤）皱起，使起皱纹； 皱皱巴巴 | |
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drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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wry
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| adj.讽刺的；扭曲的 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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Amended
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| adj. 修正的 动词amend的过去式和过去分词 | |
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smacked
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| 拍，打，掴( smack的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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rumors
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| n.传闻( rumor的名词复数 )；[古]名誉；咕哝；[古]喧嚷v.传闻( rumor的第三人称单数 )；[古]名誉；咕哝；[古]喧嚷 | |
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eyewitnesses
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| 目击者( eyewitness的名词复数 ) | |
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scoffed
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| 嘲笑，嘲弄( scoff的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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technically
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| adv.专门地，技术上地 | |
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proficient
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| adj.熟练的，精通的；n.能手，专家 | |
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39
snarled
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| v.（指狗）吠，嗥叫， （人）咆哮( snarl的过去式和过去分词 )；咆哮着说，厉声地说 | |
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hissed
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| 发嘶嘶声( hiss的过去式和过去分词 )； 发嘘声表示反对 | |
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monstrously
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plural
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| n.复数；复数形式；adj.复数的 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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scowled
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| 怒视，生气地皱眉( scowl的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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pouted
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| v.撅（嘴）( pout的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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flouting
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| v.藐视，轻视( flout的现在分词 ) | |
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47
aloof
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| adj.远离的；冷淡的，漠不关心的 | |
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48
eyebrows
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| 眉毛( eyebrow的名词复数 ) | |
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49
opposition
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| n.反对，敌对 | |
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50
gasp
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| n.喘息，气喘；v.喘息；气吁吁他说 | |
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51
vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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52
warily
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| adv.留心地 | |
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53
timing
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| n.时间安排，时间选择 | |
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54
gasped
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| v.喘气( gasp的过去式和过去分词 )；喘息；倒抽气；很想要 | |
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55
shimmer
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| v./n.发微光，发闪光；微光 | |
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56
jaw
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| n.颚，颌，说教，流言蜚语；v.喋喋不休，教训 | |
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57
stunned
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| adj. 震惊的，惊讶的 动词stun的过去式和过去分词 | |
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58
grumble
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| vi.抱怨；咕哝；n.抱怨，牢骚；咕哝，隆隆声 | |
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59
frustrated
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| adj.挫败的，失意的，泄气的v.使不成功( frustrate的过去式和过去分词 )；挫败；使受挫折；令人沮丧 | |
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60
gritted
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| v.以沙砾覆盖（某物），撒沙砾于( grit的过去式和过去分词 )；咬紧牙关 | |
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61
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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62
brace
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| n. 支柱,曲柄,大括号; v. 绷紧,顶住,(为困难或坏事)做准备 | |
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63
apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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64
condemned
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| adj. 被责难的, 被宣告有罪的 动词condemn的过去式和过去分词 | |
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65
halfway
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| adj.中途的，不彻底的，部分的；adv.半路地，在中途，在半途 | |
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66
groaned
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| v.呻吟( groan的过去式和过去分词 )；发牢骚；抱怨；受苦 | |
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67
inevitable
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| adj.不可避免的，必然发生的 | |
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68
horrified
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| a.(表现出)恐惧的 | |
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69
skeptical
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| adj.怀疑的，多疑的 | |
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70
bellowed
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| v.发出吼叫声，咆哮（尤指因痛苦）( bellow的过去式和过去分词 )；（愤怒地）说出（某事），大叫 | |
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71
numbly
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| adv.失去知觉，麻木 | |
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72
mused
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| v.沉思，冥想( muse的过去式和过去分词 )；沉思自语说（某事） | |
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73
stiffened
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| 加强的 | |
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74
growl
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| v.（狗等）嗥叫，（炮等）轰鸣；n.嗥叫，轰鸣 | |
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75
drenched
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| adj.湿透的；充满的v.使湿透( drench的过去式和过去分词 )；在某人（某物）上大量使用（某液体） | |
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76
flinch
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| v.畏缩，退缩 | |
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77
irises
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| n.虹( iris的名词复数 )；虹膜；虹彩；鸢尾（花） | |
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78
crimson
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| n./adj.深(绯)红色(的)；vi.脸变绯红色 | |
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79
immortal
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| adj.不朽的；永生的，不死的；神的 | |
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80
horrifying
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| a.令人震惊的，使人毛骨悚然的 | |
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81
banish
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| vt.放逐，驱逐；消除，排除 | |
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82
obstructed
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| 阻塞( obstruct的过去式和过去分词 )； 堵塞； 阻碍； 阻止 | |
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83
bleak
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| adj.(天气)阴冷的；凄凉的；暗淡的 | |
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84
writhed
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| （因极度痛苦而）扭动或翻滚( writhe的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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85
overflowing
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| n. 溢出物,溢流 adj. 充沛的，充满的 动词overflow的现在分词形式 | |
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86
circumvent
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| vt.环绕，包围；对…用计取胜，智胜 | |
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