High school. Purgatory1 no longer, it was now purely2 hell. Torment3 and fire…yes, I hadboth.
I was doing everything correctly now. Every “i” dotted, every “t” crossed. Noone could complain that I was shirking my responsibilities.
To please Esme and protect the others, I stayed in Forks. I returned to my oldschedule. I hunted no more than the rest of them. Everyday, I attended high school andplayed human. Everyday, I listened carefully for anything new about the Cullens—therenever was anything new. The girl did not speak one word of her suspicions. She justrepeated the same story again and again—I’d been standing4 with her and then pulled herout of the way—till her eager listeners got bored and stopped looking for more details.
There was no danger. My hasty action had hurt no one.
No one but myself.
I was determined5 to change the future. Not the easiest task to set for oneself, butthere was no other choice that I could live with.
Alice said that I would not be strong enough to stay away from the girl. I wouldprove her wrong.
I’d thought the first day would be the hardest. By the end of it, I’d been sure thatwas the case. I’d been wrong, though.
It had rankled6, knowing that I would hurt the girl. I’d comforted myself with thefact that her pain would be nothing more than a pinprick—just a tiny sting of rejection7—compared to mine. Bella was human, and she knew that I was something else, somethingwrong, something frightening. She would probably be more relieved than wounded whenI turned my face away from her and pretended that she didn’t exist.
“Hello, Edward,” she’d greeted me, that first day back in biology. Her voice hadbeen pleasant, friendly, one hundred and eighty degrees from the last time I’d spokenwith her.
Why? What did the change mean? Had she forgotten? Decided9 she hadimagined the whole episode? Could she possibly have forgiven me for not followingthrough on my promise?
The questions had burned like the thirst that attacked me every time I breathed.
Just one moment to look in her eyes. Just to see if I could read the answersthere…No. I could not allow myself even that. Not if I was going to change the future.
I’d moved my chin an inch in her direction without looking away from the frontof the room. I’d nodded once, and then turned my face straight forward.
She did not speak to me again.
That afternoon, as soon as school was finished, my role played, I ran to Seattle asI had the day before. It seemed that I could handle the aching just slightly better when Iwas flying over the ground, turning everything around me into a green blur10.
This run became my daily habit.
Did I love her? I did not think so. Not yet. Alice’s glimpses of that future hadstuck with me, though, and I could see how easy it would be to fall into loving Bella. Itwould be exactly like falling: effortless. Not letting myself love her was the opposite offalling—it was pulling myself up a cliff-face, hand over hand, the task as grueling as if Ihad no more than mortal strength.
More than a month passed, and every day it got harder. That made no sense tome—I kept waiting to get over it, to have it get easier. This must be what Alice hadmeant when she’d predicted that I would not be able to stay away from the girl. She hadseen the escalation11 of the pain. But I could handle pain.
I would not destroy Bella’s future. If I was destined12 to love her, then wasn’tavoiding her the very least I could do?
Avoiding her was about the limit of what I could bear, though. I could pretend toignore her, and never look her way. I could pretend that she was of no interest to me.
But that was the extent, just pretense13 and not reality.
I still hung on every breath she took, every word she said.
I lumped my torments14 into four categories.
The first two were familiar. Her scent15 and her silence. Or, rather—to take theresponsibility on myself where it belonged—my thirst and my curiosity.
The thirst was the most primal16 of my torments. It was my habit now to simply notbreathe at all in Biology. Of course, there were always the exceptions—when I had toanswer a question or something of the sort, and I would need my breath to speak. Eachtime I tasted the air around the girl, it was the same as the first day—fire and need andbrutal violence desperate to break free. It was hard to cling even slightly to reason orrestraint in those moments. And, just like that first day, the monster in me would roar, soclose to the surface…The curiosity was the most constant of my torments. The question was never outof my mind: What is she thinking now? When I heard her quietly sigh. When shetwisted a lock of hair absently around her finger. When she threw her books down withmore force than usual. When she rushed to class late. When she tapped her footimpatiently against the floor. Each movement caught in my peripheral17 vision was amaddening mystery. When she spoke8 to the other human students, I analyzed18 her everyword and tone. Was she speaking her thoughts, or what she thought she should say? Itoften sounded to me like she was trying to say what her audience expected, and thisreminded me of my family and our daily life of illusion—we were better at it than shewas. Unless I wrong about that, just imagining things. Why would she have to play arole? She was one of them—a human teenager.
Mike Newton was the most surprising of my torments. Who would have everdreamed that such a generic19, boring mortal could be so infuriating? To be fair, I shouldhave felt some gratitude20 to the annoying boy; more than the others, he kept the girltalking. I learned so much about her through these conversations—I was still compilingmy list—but, contrarily, Mike’s assistance with this project only aggravated21 me more. Ididn’t want Mike to be the one that unlocked her secrets. I wanted to do that.
It helped that he never noticed her small revelations, her little slips. He knewnothing about her. He’d created a Bella in his head that didn’t exist—a girl just asgeneric as he was. He hadn’t observed the unselfishness and bravery that set her apartfrom other humans, he didn’t hear the abnormal maturity22 of her spoken thoughts. Hedidn’t perceive that when she spoke of her mother, she sounded like a parent speaking of a child rather than the other way around—loving, indulgent, slightly amused, and fiercelyprotective. He didn’t hear the patience in her voice when she feigned23 interest in hisrambling stories, and didn’t guess at the kindness behind that patience.
Through her conversations with Mike, I was able to add the most importantquality to my list, the most revealing of them all, as simple as it was rare. Bella wasgood. All the other things added up to that whole—kind and self-effacing and unselfishand loving and brave—she was good through and through.
These helpful discoveries did not warm me to the boy, however. The possessiveway he viewed Bella—as if she were an acquisition to be made—provoked me almost asmuch as his crude fantasies about her. He was becoming more confident of her, too, asthe time passed, for she seemed to prefer him over those he considered his rivals—TylerCrowley, Eric Yorkie, and even, sporadically24, myself. He would routinely sit on her sideof our table before class began, chattering25 at her, encouraged by her smiles. Just politesmiles, I told myself. All the same, I frequently amused myself by imaginingbackhanding him across the room and into the far wall… It probably wouldn’t injure himfatally…Mike didn’t often think of me as a rival. After the accident, he’d worried thatBella and I would bond from the shared experience, but obviously the opposite hadresulted. Back then, he had still been bothered that I’d singled Bella out over her peersfor attention. But now I ignored her just as thoroughly26 as the others, and he grewcomplacent.
What was she thinking now? Did she welcome his attention?
And, finally, the last of my torments, the most painful: Bella’s indifference27. As Iignored her, she ignored me. She never tried to speak to me again. For all I knew, shenever thought about me at all.
This might have driven me mad—or even broken my resolution to change thefuture—except that she sometimes stared at me like she had before. I didn’t see it formyself, as I could not allow myself to look at her, but Alice always warned us when shewas about to stare; the others were still wary28 of the girl’s problematic knowledge.
It eased some of the pain that she gazed at me from across a distance, every nowand then. Of course, she could just be wondering what kind of a freak I was.
“Bella’s going to stare at Edward in a minute. Look normal,” Alice said oneTuesday in March, and the others were careful to fidget and shift their weight likehumans; absolute stillness was a marker of our kind.
I paid attention to how often she looked my direction. It pleased me, though itshould not, that the frequency did not decline as the time passed. I didn’t know what itmeant, but it made me feel better.
Alice sighed. I wish…“Stay out of it, Alice,” I said under my breath. “It’s not going to happen.”
She pouted29. Alice was anxious to form her envisioned friendship with Bella. In astrange way, she missed the girl she didn’t know.
I’ll admit, you’re better than I thought. You’ve got the future all snarled30 up andsenseless again. I hope you’re happy.
“It makes plenty of sense to me.”
She snorted delicately.
I tried to shut her out, too impatient for conversation. I wasn’t in a very goodmood—tenser than I let any of them see. Only Jasper was aware of how tightly wound Iwas, feeling the stress emanate31 out of me with his unique ability to both sense andinfluence the moods of others. He didn’t understand the reasons behind the moods,though, and—since I was constantly in a foul32 mood these days—he disregarded it.
Today would be a hard one. Harder than the day before, as was the pattern.
Mike Newton, the odious33 boy whom I could not allow myself to rival, was goingto ask Bella on a date.
A girl’s choice dance was on the near horizon, and he’d been hoping very muchthat Bella would ask him. That she had not done so had rattled34 his confidence. Now hewas in an uncomfortable bind—I enjoyed his discomfort35 more than I should—becauseJessica Stanley had just asked him to the dance. He didn’t want to say “yes,” still hopefulthat Bella would choose him (and prove him the victor over his rivals), but he didn’t wantto say “no” and end up missing the dance altogether. Jessica, hurt by his hesitation36 andguessing the reason behind it, was thinking daggers37 at Bella. Again, I had the instinct toplace myself between Jessica’s angry thoughts and Bella. I understood the instinct betternow, but that only made it more frustrating38 when I could not act on it.
To think it had come to this! I was utterly39 fixated on the petty high school dramasthat I’d once held so in contempt.
Mike was working up his nerve as he walked Bella to biology. I listened to hisstruggles as I waited for them to arrive. The boy was weak. He had waited for this dancepurposely, afraid to make his infatuation known before she had shown a markedpreference for him. He didn’t want to make himself vulnerable to rejection, preferringthat she make that leap first.
Coward.
He sat down on our table again, comfortable with long familiarity, and I imaginedthe sound it would make if his body hit the opposite wall with enough force to break mostof his bones.
“So,” he said to the girl, his eyes on the floor. “Jessica asked me to the springdance.”
“That’s great,” Bella answered immediately and with enthusiasm. It was hard notto smile as her tone sunk in to Mike’s awareness40. He’d been hoping for dismay. “You’llhave a lot of fun with Jessica.”
He scrambled41 for the right response. “Well…” he hesitated, and almostchickened out. Then he rallied. “I told her I had to think about it.”
“Why would you do that?” she demanded. Her tone was one of disapproval42, butthere was the faintest hint of relief there as well.
What did that mean? An unexpected, intense fury made my hands clench43 intofists.
Mike did not hear the relief. His face was red with blood—fierce as I suddenlyfelt, this seemed like an invitation—and he looked at the floor again as he spoke.
“I was wondering if…well, if you might be planning to ask me.”
Bella hesitated.
In that moment of her hesitation, I saw the future more clearly than Alice everhad.
The girl might say yes to Mike’s unspoken question now, and she might not, buteither way, someday soon, she would say yes to someone. She was lovely and intriguing,and human males were not oblivious44 to this fact. Whether she would settle for someone in this lackluster crowd, or wait until she was free from Forks, the day would come thatshe would say yes.
I saw her life as I had before—college, career…love, marriage. I saw her on herfather’s arm again, dressed in gauzy white, her face flushed with happiness as she movedto the sound of Wagner’s march.
The pain was more than anything I’d felt before. A human would have to be onthe point of death to feel this pain—a human would not live through it.
And not just pain, but outright45 rage.
The fury ached for some kind of physical outlet46. Though this insignificant,undeserving boy might not be the one that Bella would say yes to, I yearned47 to crush hisskull in my hand, to let him stand as a representative for whoever it would be.
I didn’t understand this emotion—it was such a tangle48 of pain and rage and desireand despair. I had never felt it before; I couldn’t put a name to it.
“Mike, I think you should tell her yes,” Bella said in a gentle voice.
Mike’s hopes plummeted49. I would have enjoyed that under other circumstances,but I was lost in the aftershock of the pain—and the remorse50 for what the pain and ragehad done to me.
Alice was right. I was not strong enough.
Right now, Alice would be watching the future spin and twist, become mangledagain. Would this please her?
“Did you already ask someone?” Mike asked sullenly51. He glanced at me,suspicious for the first time in many weeks. I realized I had betrayed my interest; myhead was inclined in Bella’s direction.
The wild envy in his thoughts—envy for whoever this girl preferred to him—suddenly put a name to my unnamed emotion.
I was jealous.
“No,” the girl said with a trace of humor in her voice. “I’m not going to the danceat all.”
Through all the remorse and anger, I felt relief at her words. Suddenly, I wasconsidering my rivals.
“Why not?” Mike asked, his tone almost rude. It offended me that he used thistone with her. I bit back a growl52.
“I’m going to Seattle that Saturday,” she answered.
The curiosity was not as vicious as it would have been before—now that I wasfully intending to find out the answers to everything. I would know the wheres and whysof this new revelation soon enough.
Mike’s tone turned unpleasantly wheedling53. “Can’t you go some otherweekend?”
“Sorry, no.” Bella was brusquer now. “So you shouldn’t make Jess wait anylonger—it’s rude.”
Her concern for Jessica’s feelings fanned the flames of my jealousy54. This Seattletrip was clearly an excuse to say no—did she refuse purely out of loyalty55 to her friend?
She was more than selfless enough for that. Did she actually wish she could say yes? Orwere both guesses wrong? Was she interested in someone else?
“Yeah, you’re right,” Mike mumbled56, so demoralized that I almost felt pity forhim. Almost.
He dropped his eyes from the girl, cutting off my view of her face in his thoughts.
I wasn’t going to tolerate that.
I turned to read her face myself, for the first time in more than a month. It was asharp relief to allow myself this, like a gasp57 of air to long-submerged human lungs.
Her eyes were closed, and her hands pressed against the sides of her face. Hershoulders curved inward defensively. She shook her head ever so slightly, as if she weretrying to push some thought from her mind.
Frustrating. Fascinating.
Mr. Banner’s voice pulled her from her reverie, and her eyes slowly opened. Shelooked at me immediately, perhaps sensing my gaze. She stared up into my eyes with thesame bewildered expression that had haunted me for so long.
I didn’t feel the remorse or the guilt58 or the rage in that second. I knew they wouldcome again, and come soon, but for this one moment I rode a strange, jittery59 high. As if Ihad triumphed, rather than lost.
She didn’t look away, though I stared with inappropriate intensity60, trying vainly toread her thoughts through her liquid brown eyes. They were full of questions, rather thananswers.
I could see the reflection of my own eyes, and I saw that they were black withthirst. It had been nearly two weeks since my last hunting trip; this was not the safest dayfor my will to crumble61. But the blackness did not seem to frighten her. She still did notlook away, and a soft, devastatingly62 appealing pink began to color her skin.
What was she thinking now?
I almost asked the question aloud, but at that moment Mr. Banner called myname. I picked the correct answer out of his head while I glanced briefly63 in his direction.
I sucked in a quick breath. “The Krebs Cycle.”
Thirst scorched64 down my throat—tightening my muscles and filling my mouthwith venom—and I closed my eyes, trying to concentrate through the desire for her bloodthat raged inside me.
The monster was stronger than before. The monster was rejoicing. He embracedthis dual65 future that gave him an even, fifty-fifty chance at what he craved66 so viciously.
The third, shaky future I’d tried to construct through willpower alone had crumbled—destroyed by common jealously, of all things—and he was so much closer to his goal.
The remorse and the guilt burned with the thirst, and, if I’d had the ability toproduce tears, they would have filled my eyes now.
What had I done?
Knowing the battle was already lost, there seemed to be no reason to resist what Iwanted; I turned to stare at the girl again.
She had hidden in her hair, but I could see through a parting in the tresses that hercheek was deep crimson67 now.
The monster liked that.
She did not meet my gaze again, but she twisted a strand68 of her dark hairnervously between her fingers. Her delicate fingers, her fragile wrist—they were sobreakable, looking for all the world like just my breath could snap them.
No, no, no. I could not do this. She was too breakable, too good, too precious todeserve this fate. I couldn’t allow my life to collide with hers, to destroy it.
But I couldn’t stay away from her either. Alice was right about that.
The monster inside me hissed69 with frustration70 as I wavered, leaning first one way,then the other.
My brief hour with her passed all too quickly, as I vacillated between the rock andthe hard place. The bell rang, and she started collecting her things without looking at me.
This disappointed me, but I could hardly expect otherwise. The way I had treated hersince the accident was inexcusable.
“Bella?” I said, unable to stop myself. My willpower already lay in shreds72.
She hesitated before looking at me; when she turned, her expression was guarded,distrustful.
I reminded myself that she had every right to distrust me. That she should.
She waited for me to continue, but I just stared at her, reading her face. I pulledin shallow mouthfuls of air at regular intervals73, fighting my thirst.
“What?” she finally said. “Are you speaking to me again?” There was an edge ofresentment to her tone that was, like her anger, endearing. It made me want to smile.
I wasn’t sure how to answer her question. Was I speaking to her again, in thesense that she meant?
No. Not if I could help it. I would try to help it.
“No, not really,” I told her.
She closed her eyes, which frustrated74 me. It cut off my best avenue of access toher feelings. She took a long, slow breath without opening her eyes. Her jaw75 waslocked.
Eyes still closed, she spoke. Surely this was not a normal human way toconverse. Why did she do it?
“Then what do you want, Edward?”
The sound of my name on her lips did strange things to my body. If I’d had aheartbeat, it would have quickened.
But how to answer her?
With the truth, I decided. I would be as truthful76 as I could with her from now on.
I didn’t want to deserve her distrust, even if earning her trust was impossible.
“I’m sorry,” I told her. That was truer than she would ever know. Unfortunately,I could only safely apologize for the trivial. “I’m being very rude, I know. But it’s betterthis way, really.”
I would be better for her if I could keep it up, continue to be rude. Could I?
Her eyes opened, their expression still wary.
“I don’t know what you mean.”
I tried to get as much of a warning through to her as was allowed. “It’s better ifwe’re not friends.” Surely, she could sense that much. She was a bright girl. “Trustme.”
Her eyes tightened77, and I remembered that I had said those words to her before—just before breaking a promise. I winced78 when her teeth clenched79 together—she clearlyremembered, too.
“It’s too bad you didn’t figure that out earlier,” she said angrily. “You could havesaved yourself all this regret.”
I stared at her in shock. What did she know of my regrets?
“Regret? Regret for what?” I demanded.
“For not just letting that stupid van squish me!” she snapped.
How could she be thinking that? Saving her life was the one acceptable thing I’ddone since I met her. The one thing that I was not ashamed of. The one and only thingthat made me glad I existed at all. I’d been fighting to keep her alive since the firstmoment I’d caught her scent. How could she think this of me? How dare she questionmy one good deed in all this mess?
“You think I regret saving your life?”
“I know you do,” she retorted.
Her estimation of my intentions left me seething81. “You don’t know anything.”
How confusing and incomprehensible the workings of her mind were! She mustnot think in the same way as other humans at all. That must be the explanation behindher mental silence. She was entirely82 other.
She jerked her face away, gritting83 her teeth again. Her cheeks were flushed, withanger this time. She slammed her books together in a pile, yanked them up into her arms,and marched toward the door without meeting my stare.
Even irritated as I was, it was impossible not to find her anger a bit entertaining.
She walked stiffly, without looking where she was going, and her foot caught onthe lip of the doorway84. She stumbled, and her things all crashed to the ground. Insteadof bending to get them, she stood rigidly85 straight, not even looking down, as if she werenot sure the books were worth retrieving86.
I managed not to laugh.
No one was here to watch me; I flitted to her side, and had her books put in orderbefore she looked down.
She bent87 halfway88, saw me, and then froze. I handed her books back to her,making sure that my icy skin never touched hers.
“Thank you,” she said in a cold, severe voice.
Her tone brought back my irritation89.
“You’re welcome,” I said just as coldly.
She wrenched90 herself upright and stomped91 away to her next class.
I watched until I could no longer see her angry figure.
Spanish passed in a blur. Mrs. Goff never questioned my abstraction—she knewmy Spanish was superior to hers, and she gave me a great deal of latitude—leaving mefree to think.
So, I couldn’t ignore the girl. That much was obvious. But did it mean I had nochoice but to destroy her? That could not be the only available future. There had to besome other choice, some delicate balance. I tried to think of a way…I didn’t pay much attention to Emmett until the hour was nearly up. He wascurious—Emmett was not overly intuitive about the shades in other’s moods, but hecould see the obvious change in me. He wondered what had happened to remove theunrelenting glower92 from my face. He struggled to define the change, and finally decidedthat I looked hopeful.
Hopeful? Is that what it looked like from the outside?
I pondered the idea of hope as we walked to the Volvo, wondering what exactly Ishould be hoping for.
But I didn’t have long to ponder. Sensitive as I always was to thoughts about thegirl, the sound of Bella’s name in the heads of…of my rivals, I suppose I had to admit,caught my attention. Eric and Tyler, having heard—with much satisfaction—of Mike’sfailure, were preparing to make their moves.
Eric was already in place, positioned against her truck where she could not avoidhim. Tyler’s class was being held late to receive an assignment, and he was in adesperate hurry to catch her before she escaped.
This I had to see.
“Wait for the others here, all right?” I murmured to Emmett.
He eyed me suspiciously, but then shrugged94 and nodded.
Kid’s lost his mind, he thought, amused by my odd request.
I saw Bella on her way out of the gym, and I waited where she would not see mefor her to pass. As she got closer to Eric’s ambush95, I strode forward, setting my pace sothat I would walk by at the right moment.
I watched her body stiffen96 when she caught sight of the boy waiting for her. Shefroze for a moment, then relaxed and moved forward.
“Hi, Eric,” I heard her call in a friendly voice.
I was abruptly97 and unexpectedly anxious. What if this gangly teen with hisunhealthy skin was somehow pleasing to her?
Eric swallowed loudly, his Adam’s apple bobbing. “Hi, Bella.”
She seemed unconscious of his nervousness.
“What’s up?” she asked, unlocking her truck without looking at his frightenedexpression.
“Uh, I was just wondering…if you would go to the spring dance with me?” Hisvoice broke.
She finally looked up. Was she taken aback, or pleased? Eric couldn’t meet hergaze, so I couldn’t see her face in his mind.
“I thought it was girl’s choice,” she said, sounding flustered98.
“Well, yeah,” he agreed wretchedly.
This pitiable boy did not irritate me as much as Mike Newton did, but I couldn’tfind it in myself to feel sympathy for his angst until after Bella had answered him in agentle voice.
“Thank you for asking me, but I’m going to be in Seattle that day.”
He’d already heard this; still, it was a disappointment.
“Oh,” he mumbled, barely daring to raise his eyes to the level of her nose.
“Maybe next time.”
“Sure,” she agreed. Then she bit down on her lip, as if she regretted leaving him aloophole. I liked that.
Eric slumped99 forward and walked away, headed in the wrong direction from hiscar, his only thought escape.
I passed her in that moment, and heard her sigh of relief. I laughed.
She whirled at the sound, but I stared straight ahead, trying to keep my lips fromtwitching in amusement.
Tyler was behind me, almost running in his hurry to catch her before she coulddrive away. He was bolder and more confident than the other two; he’d only waited toapproach Bella this long because he’d respected Mike’s prior claim.
I wanted him to succeed in catching100 her for two reasons. If—as I was beginningto suspect—all this attention was annoying to Bella, I wanted to enjoy watching herreaction. But, if it was not—if Tyler’s invitation was the one she’d been hoping for—then I wanted to know that, too.
I measured Tyler Crowley as a rival, knowing it was wrong to do so. He seemedtediously average and unremarkable to me, but what did I know of Bella’s preferences?
Maybe she liked average boys…I winced at that thought. I could never be an average boy. How foolish it was toset myself up as a rival for her affections. How could she ever care for someone whowas, by any estimation, a monster?
She was too good for a monster.
I ought to have let her escape, but my inexcusable curiosity kept me from doingwhat was right. Again. But what if Tyler missed his chance now, only to contact her. later when I would have no way of knowing the outcome? I pulled my Volvo out into thenarrow lane, blocking her exit.
Emmett and the others were on their way, but he’d described my strange behaviorto them, and they were walking slowly, watching me, trying to decipher what I wasdoing.
I watched the girl in my rearview mirror. She glowered101 toward the back of mycar without meeting my gaze, looking as if she wished she were driving a tank rather thana rusted102 Chevy.
Tyler hurried to his car and got in line behind her, grateful for my inexplicablebehavior. He waved at her, trying to catch her attention, but she didn’t notice. He waiteda moment, and then left his car, sauntering up to her passenger side window. He tappedon the glass.
She jumped, and then stared at him in confusion. After a second, she rolled thewindow down manually, seeming to have some trouble with it.
“I’m sorry, Tyler,” she said, her voice irritated. “I’m stuck behind Cullen.”
She said my surname in a hard voice—she was still angry with me.
“Oh, I know,” Tyler said, undeterred by her mood. “I just wanted to ask yousomething while we’re trapped here.”
His grin was cocky.
I was gratified by the way she blanched103 at his obvious intent.
“Will you ask me to the spring dance?” he asked, no thought of defeat in his head.
“I’m not going to be in town, Tyler,” she told him, irritation still plain in hervoice.
“Yeah, Mike said that.”
“Then why—?” she stared to ask.
He shrugged. “I was hoping you were just letting him down easy.”
Her eyes flashed, then cooled. “Sorry, Tyler,” she said, not sounding sorry at all.
“I really am going to be out of town.”
He accepted that excuse, his self-assurance untouched. “That’s cool. We stillhave prom.”
He strutted104 back to his car.
I was right to have waited for this.
The horrified105 expression on her face was priceless. It told me what I should notso desperately106 need to know—that she had no feelings for any of these human males whowished to court her.
Also, her expression was possibly the funniest thing I’d ever seen.
My family arrived then, confused by the fact that I was, for a change, rockingwith laughter rather than scowling107 murderously at everything in sight.
What’s so funny? Emmett wanted to know.
I just shook my head while I also shook with fresh laughter as Bella revved108 hernoisy engine angrily. She looked like she was wishing for a tank again.
“Let’s go!” Rosalie hissed impatiently. “Stop being an idiot. If you can.”
Her words didn’t annoy me—I was too entertained. But I did as she asked.
No one spoke to me on the way home. I continued to chuckle109 every now andagain, thinking of Bella’s face.
As I turned on to the drive—speeding up now that there were no witnesses—Alice ruined my mood.
“So do I get to talk to Bella now?” she asked suddenly, without considering thewords first, thus giving me no warning.
“No,” I snapped.
“Not fair! What am I waiting for?”
“I haven’t decided anything, Alice.”
“Whatever, Edward.”
In her head, Bella’s two destinies were clear again.
“What’s the point in getting to know her?” I mumbled, suddenly morose110. “If I’mjust going to kill her?”
Alice hesitated for a second. “You have a point,” she admitted.
I took the final hairpin111 turn at ninety miles an hour, and then screeched112 to a stopan inch from the back garage wall.
“Enjoy your run,” Rosalie said smugly as I threw myself out of the car.
But I didn’t go running today. Instead, I went hunting.
The others were scheduled to hunt tomorrow, but I couldn’t afford to be thirstynow. I overdid113 it, drinking more than necessary, glutting114 myself again—a small groupingof elk115 and one black bear I was lucky to stumble across this early in the year. I was sofull it was uncomfortable. Why couldn’t that be enough? Why did her scent have to beso much stronger than anything else?
I had hunted in preparation for the next day, but, when I could hunt no more andthe sun was still hours and hours from rising, I knew that the next day was not soonenough.
The jittery high swept through me again when I realized that I was going to gofind the girl.
I argued with myself all the way back to Forks, but my less noble side won theargument, and I went ahead with my indefensible plan. The monster was restless butwell-fettered. I knew I would keep a safe distance from her. I only wanted to knowwhere she was. I just wanted to see her face.
It was past midnight, and Bella’s house was dark and quiet. Her truck was parkedagainst the curb116, her father’s police cruiser in the driveway. There were no consciousthoughts anywhere in the neighborhood. I watched the house for a moment from theblackness of the forest that bordered it on the east. The front door would probably belocked—not a problem, except that I didn’t want to leave a broken door as evidencebehind me. I decided to try the upstairs window first. Not many people would botherinstalling a lock there.
I crossed the open yard and scaled the face of the house in half a second.
Dangling from the eave above the window by one hand, I looked through the glass, andmy breath stopped.
It was her room. I could see her in the one small bed, her covers on the floor andher sheets twisted around her legs. As I watched, she twitched117 restlessly and threw onearm over her head. She did not sleep soundly, at least not this night. Did she sense thedanger near her?
I was repulsed118 by myself as I watched her toss again. How was I any better thansome sick peeping tom? I wasn’t any better. I was much, much worse.
I relaxed my fingertips, about to let myself drop. But first I allowed myself onelong look at her face.
It was not peaceful. The little furrow120 was there between her eyebrows121, thecorners of her lips turned down. Her lips trembled, and then parted.
“Okay, Mom,” she muttered.
Bella talked in her sleep.
Curiosity flared122, overpowering self-disgust. The lure93 of those unprotected,unconsciously spoken thoughts was impossibly tempting123.
I tried the window, and it was not locked, though it stuck due to long disuse. Islid it slowly aside, cringing124 at each faint groan125 of the metal frame. I would have to findsome oil for next time…Next time? I shook my head, disgusted again.
I eased myself silently through the half-opened window.
Her room was small—disorganized but not unclean. There were books piled onthe floor beside her bed, their spines126 facing away from me, and CDs scattered127 by herinexpensive CD player—the one on top was just a clear jewel case. Stacks of paperssurrounded a computer that looked like it belonged in a museum dedicated128 to obsoletetechnologies. Shoes dotted the wooden floor.
I wanted very much to go read the titles of her books and CDs, but I’d promisedmyself that I would keep my distance; instead, I went to sit the old rocking chair in thefar corner of the room.
Had I really once thought her average-looking? I thought of that first day, and mydisgust for the boys who were so immediately intrigued129 with her. But when Iremembered her face in their minds now, I could not understand why I had not found herbeautiful immediately. It seemed an obvious thing.
Right now—with her dark hair tangled130 and wild around her pale face, wearing athreadbare t-shirt full of holes with tatty131 sweatpants, her features relaxed inunconsciousness, her full lips slightly parted—she took my breath away. Or would have,I thought wryly132, if I were breathing.
She did not speak. Perhaps her dream had ended.
I stared at her face and tried to think of some way to make the future bearable.
Hurting her was not bearable. Did that mean my only choice was to try to leaveagain?
The others could not argue with me now. My absence would not put anyone indanger. There would be no suspicion, nothing to link anyone’s thoughts back to theaccident.
I wavered as I had this afternoon, and nothing seemed possible.
I could not hope to rival the human boys, whether these specific boys appealed toher or not. I was a monster. How could she see me as anything else? If she knew thetruth about me, it would frighten and repulse119 her. Like the intended victim in a horrormovie, she would run away, shrieking133 in terror.
I remembered her first day in biology…and knew that this was exactly the rightreaction for her to have.
It was foolishness to imagine that if had I been the one to ask her to the sillydance, she would have cancelled her hastily-made plans and agreed to go with me.
I was not the one she was destined to say yes to. It was someone else, someonehuman and warm. And I could not even let myself—someday, when that yes was said—hunt him down and kill him, because she deserved him, whoever he was. She deservedhappiness and love with whomever she chose.
I owed it to her to do the right thing now; I could no longer pretend that I wasonly in danger of loving this girl.
After all, it really didn’t matter if I left, because Bella could never see me the wayI wished she would. Never see me as someone worthy134 of love.
Never.
Could a dead, frozen heart break? It felt like mine would.
“Edward,” Bella said.
I froze, staring at her unopened eyes.
Had she woken, caught me here? She looked asleep, yet her voice had been soclear…She sighed a quiet sigh, and then moved restlessly again, rolling to her side—stillfast asleep and dreaming.
“Edward,” she mumbled softly.
She was dreaming of me.
Could a dead, frozen heart beat again? It felt like mine was about to.
“Stay,” she sighed. “Don’t go. Please…don’t go.”
She was dreaming of me, and it wasn’t even a nightmare. She wanted me to staywith her, there in her dream.
I struggled to find words to name the feelings that flooded through me, but I hadno words strong enough to hold them. For a long moment, I drowned in them.
When I surfaced, I was not the same man I had been.
My life was an unending, unchanging midnight. It must, by necessity, always bemidnight for me. So how was it possible that the sun was rising now, in the middle of mymidnight?
At the time that I had become a vampire135, trading my soul and my mortality forimmortality in the searing pain of transformation137, I had truly been frozen. My body hadturned into something more like rock than flesh, enduring and unchanging. My self, also,had frozen as it was—my personality, my likes and my dislikes, my moods and mydesires; all were fixed138 in place.
It was the same for the rest of them. We were all frozen. Living stone.
When change came for one of us, it was a rare and permanent thing. I had seen ithappen with Carlisle, and then a decade later with Rosalie. Love had changed them in aneternal way, a way that never faded. More than eighty years had passed since Carlislehad found Esme, and yet he still looked at her with the incredulous eyes of first love. Itwould always be that way for them.
It would always be that way for me, too. I would always love this fragile humangirl, for the rest of my limitless existence.
I gazed at her unconscious face, feeling this love for her settle into every portionof my stone body.
She slept more peacefully now, a slight smile on her lips.
Always watching her, I began to plot.
I loved her, and so I would try to be strong enough to leave her. I knew I wasn’tthat strong now. I would work on that one. But perhaps I was strong enough tocircumvent the future in another way.
Alice had seen only two futures139 for Bella, and now I understood them both.
Loving her would not keep me from killing140 her, if I let myself make mistakes.
Yet I could not feel the monster now, could not find him anywhere in me.
Perhaps love had silenced him forever. If I killed her now, it would not be intentional,only a horrible accident.
I would have to be inordinately141 careful. I would never, ever be able to let myguard down. I would have to control my every breath. I would have to keep an alwayscautious distance.
I would not make mistakes.
I finally understood that second future. I’d been baffled by that vision—whatcould possibly happen to result in Bella becoming a prisoner to this immortal136 half-life?
Now—devastated by longing142 for the girl—I could understand how I might, inunforgivable selfishness, ask my father for that favor. Ask him to take away her life andher soul so that I could keep her forever.
She deserved better.
But I saw one more future, one thin wire that I might be able to walk, if I couldkeep my balance.
Could I do it? Be with her and leave her human?
Deliberately, I took a deep breath, and then another, letting her scent rip throughme like wildfire. The room was thick with her perfume; her fragrance143 was layered onevery surface. My head swam, but I fought the spinning. I would have to get used tothis, if I were going to attempt any kind of relationship with her. I took another deep,burning breath.
I watched her sleeping until the sun rose behind the eastern clouds, plotting andbreathing.
I got home just after the others had left for school. I changed quickly, avoiding Esme’squestioning eyes. She saw the feverish144 light in my face, and she felt both worry andrelief. My long melancholy145 had pained her, and she was glad it seemed to be over.
I ran to school, arriving a few seconds after my siblings146 did. They did not turn,though Alice at least must have known that I stood here in the thick woods that borderedthe pavement. I waited until no one was looking, and then I strolled casually147 frombetween the trees into the lot full of parked cars.
I heard Bella’s truck rumbling148 around the corner, and I paused behind a Suburban,where I could watch without being seen.
She drove into the lot, glaring at my Volvo for a long moment before she parkedin one of the most distant spaces, a frown on her face.
It was strange to remember that she was probably still angry with me, and withgood reason.
I wanted to laugh at myself—or kick myself. All my plotting and planning wasentirely moot149 if she didn’t care for me, too, wasn’t it? Her dream could have been aboutsomething completely random150. I was such an arrogant151 fool.
Well, it was so much the better for her if she didn’t care for me. That wouldn’tstop me from pursuing her, but I would give her fair warning as I pursued. I owed herthat.
I walked silently forward, wondering how best to approach her.
She made it easy. Her truck key slipped through her fingers as she got out, andfell into a deep puddle152.
She reached down, but I got to it first, retrieving it before she had to put herfingers in the cold water.
I leaned back against her truck as she started and then straightened up.
“How do you do that?” she demanded.
Yes, she was still angry.
I offered her the key. “Do what?”
She held her hand out, and I dropped the key in her palm. I took a deep breath,pulling in her scent.
“Appear out of thin air,” she clarified.
“Bella, it’s not my fault if you are exceptionally unobservant.” The words werewry, almost a joke. Was there anything she didn’t see?
Did she hear how my voice wrapped around her name like a caress153?
She glared at me, not appreciating my humor. Her heartbeat sped—from anger?
From fear? After a moment, she looked down.
“Why the traffic jam last night?” she asked without meeting my eyes. “I thoughtyou were supposed to be pretending I don’t exist, not irritating me to death.”
Still very angry. It was going to take some effort to make things right with her. Iremembered my resolve to be truthful with her…“That was for Tyler’s sake, not mine. I had to give him his chance.” And then Ilaughed. I couldn’t help it, thinking of her expression yesterday.
“You—” she gasped154, and then broke off, appearing to be too furious to finish.
There it was—that same expression. I choked back another laugh. She was mad enoughalready.
“And I’m not pretending you don’t exist,” I finished. It was right to keep thiscasual, teasing. She would not understand if I let her see how I really felt. I wouldfrighten her. I had to keep my feelings in check, keep things light…“So you are trying to irritate me to death? Since Tyler’s van didn’t do the job?”
A quick flash of anger pulsed through me. Could she honestly believe that?
It was irrational155 for me to be so affronted—she didn’t know of the transformationthat had happened in the night. But I was angry all the same.
“Bella, you are utterly absurd,” I snapped.
Her face flushed, and she turned her back on me. She began to walk away.
Remorse. I had no right to my anger.
“Wait,” I pleaded.
She did not stop, so I followed after her.
“I’m sorry, that was rude. I’m not saying it isn’t true” —it was absurd to imaginethat I wanted her harmed in any way— “but it was rude to say it, anyway.”
“Why won’t you leave me alone?”
Believe me, I wanted to say. I’ve tried.
Oh, and also, I’m wretchedly in love with you.
Keep it light.
“I wanted to ask you something, but you sidetracked me.” A course of action hadjust occurred to me, and I laughed.
“Do you have a multiple personality disorder156?” she asked.
It must seem that way. My mood was erratic157, so many new emotions coursingthrough me.
“You’re doing it again,” I pointed71 out.
She sighed. “Fine then. What do you want to ask?”
“I was wondering if, a week from Saturday…” I watched the shock cross her face,and choked back another laugh. “You know, the day of the spring dance—”
She cut me off, finally returning her eyes to mine. “Are you trying to be funny?”
Yes. “Will you let me finish?”
She waited in silence, her teeth pressing into her soft lower lip.
That sight distracted me for a second. Strange, unfamiliar158 reactions stirred deepin my forgotten human core. I tried to shake them off so I could play my role.
“I heard you say that you were going to Seattle that day, and I was wondering ifyou wanted a ride?” I offered. I’d realized that, better than just questioning her about herplans, I might share them.
She stared at me blankly. “What?”
“Do you want a ride to Seattle?” Alone in a car with her—my throat burned atthe thought. I took a deep breath. Get used to it.
“With who?” she asked, her eyes wide and bewildered again.
“Myself, obviously,” I said slowly.
“Why?”
Was it really such as shock that I would want her company? She must haveapplied the worst possible meaning to my past behavior.
“Well,” I said as casually as possible, “I was planning to go to Seattle in the nextfew weeks, and, to be honest, I’m not sure if your truck can make it.” It seemed safer totease her than to allow myself to be serious.
“My truck works just fine, thank you very much for your concern,” she said in thesame surprised voice. She started walking again. I kept pace with her.
She hadn’t really said no, so I pressed that advantage.
Would she say no? What would I do if she did?
“But can your truck make it there on one tank of gas?”
“I don’t see how that is any of your business,” she grumbled159.
That still wasn’t a no. And her heart was beating faster again, her breath comingmore quickly.
“The wasting of finite resources is everyone’s business.”
“Honestly, Edward, I can’t keep up with you. I thought you didn’t want to be myfriend.”
A thrill shot through me when she spoke my name.
How to keep it light and yet be honest at the same time? Well, it was moreimportant to be honest. Especially on this point.
“I said it would be better if we weren’t friends, not that I didn’t want to be.”
“Oh, thanks, now that’s all cleared up,” she said sarcastically160.
She paused, under the edge of the cafeteria’s roof, and met my gaze again. Herheartbeats stuttered. Was she afraid?
I chose my words carefully. No, I could not leave her, but maybe she would besmart enough to leave me, before it was too late.
“It would be more…prudent for you not to be my friend.” Staring into the meltedchocolate depths of her eyes, I lost my hold on light. “But I’m tired of trying to stayaway from you, Bella.” The words burned with much too much fervor161.
Her breathing stopped and, in the second it took for it to restart, that worried me.
How much had I scared her? Well, I would find out.
“Will you go to Seattle with me?” I demanded, point blank.
She nodded, her heart drumming loudly.
Yes. She’d said yes to me.
And then my conscious smote162 me. What would this cost her?
“You really should stay away from me,” I warned her. Did she hear me? Wouldshe escape the future I was threatening her with? Couldn’t I do anything to save her fromme?
Keep it light, I shouted at myself. “I’ll see you in class.”
I had to concentrate to stop myself from running as I fled.
第五章 邀约高中。这儿不再是炼狱了，现在它已经彻底变成了地狱。痛苦和烧灼……是的，我两样都有。
我把一切都纠正过来。给每一个“I”字加点，给每一个t”字加横，现在没有人会抱怨我推卸责任了。
为了让爱斯梅高兴，为了保护其他人，我留在福克斯。我比其他人更频繁地捕猎。我重新回到以前的生活。每一天我都去上学，假扮成人类。每一天，我都仔细地倾听所有跟卡伦家有关的消息——没有什么新情况。那个女孩没有提过一个字。她只是一遍又一遍地重复同样的故事——我当时站在她旁边，把她从路边推开——直到她的热心听众感到无趣，停止追问更多细节——一切都平安无事。没有人因为我那轻率的行为而受到伤害。
没有人，除了我。
我已经决意要改变未来。独自完成这个任务不是一件容易的事，然而除此之外，我别无选择。
爱丽丝说我将不够坚强而足以离开那个女孩。我会证明她错了。
我本来以为第一天是最难熬的。到那天结束为止，我都这样认为。然而，我错了。
获悉我会伤害那个女孩，这令我痛苦不已。我安慰自己说和我的痛苦相比，她的痛苦只不过是一个小小的烦恼——仅仅是因被拒绝而产生的一点儿不快。贝拉是一个人类，她知道我是异类，一个危险的异类，一个很可怕的异类。对于我疏远她，假装她不存在的举动，她可能 会更感到安心而不是受伤害。
“你好，爱德华。”在第一天回去上生物课时，她向我打招呼。她的语气愉快而友好，跟上次和我说话时来了个一百八十度的转变。
为什么？这种转变是什么意思？难道她已经忘了吗？或许是她已经原谅我的食言了吗？
这些疑问在我脑子里燃烧着，一如每一次呼吸带给我的干渴。
只是看一眼她的眼睛，只是看一看我是否能从那里找到答案。
不，我甚至不允许自己这么做。如果我打算改变未来，我就不能这么做。
我点了一下头，然后就马上把脸转过去，看向前面。
她再也没有跟我说话了。
那天下午，一等到放学，我的角色演完了，我就像那天一样跑到西雅图去。这么做似乎能稍微减轻一下那种心痛，当我飞奔到另一个地方，把自己包围在一片绿色当中。
这种奔跑变成我每天的习惯。
我爱她吗？我不这么认为。我还没有爱上她。然而爱丽丝所窥见的未来刺痛了我，而且要爱上贝拉是多么容易的一件事。这就像是一种沉沦：毫不费力。不让自己爱上她是另一种与之相反的沉沦——就像把自己推向悬崖边，一步一步地，这份任务就像一种惩罚，仿佛我已不再拥有长生不死的力量。
一个月过去了，每一天都变得更难熬。我无法理解——我一直在等它过去，直到它能变得更轻松一点。这一定就是爱丽丝当初所预言的，我将无法离开那个女孩。她已经预见到这种与日俱增的痛苦。但我能够应付这种痛苦。
我不会毁掉贝拉的未来。如果我注定要爱上她，那么避开她不正是我仅仅能够做到的吗？
然而，我只能在自己可以承受的极限内躲避她。我可以装作无视她，一点儿也不去看她。我能够装作对她毫无兴趣。不过这已经是极限了，只是假装，而不是事实。
我依然留意她每一个呼吸，她每一句话语。
我的痛苦集中于四种：
前两种痛苦是熟悉的：她的香气和她的沉默。或者，可以将它归结为——我不能让自己推卸责任——我的干渴和我的好奇心。
干渴是折磨我的最首要的痛苦。现在一上生物课就不呼吸已经成了我的习惯。当然总有例外——在我不得不回答问题或诸如此类的事，这时我就需要呼吸，开口说话。每一次当我品尝到那女孩周围的空气时，就和第一天一样——怒火、需求和横暴不顾一切地企图挣脱束缚。
在这种时候，即使是最轻微的理智和克制都变得十分困难。还有，就像第一天那样，那个在我体内的魔鬼咆哮着，几乎要挣脱出来。
好奇心是始终折磨我的另一种痛苦。我脑子里的谜从来没有答案：她现在正想什么？当我听到她静静地叹息。当她心不在焉地将一绺长发缠绕在指间。当她用力把书扔在桌子上。当她迟到时急匆匆地赶去上课。当她的脚急躁地踩在地板上。每一个我所间接看到的举动都是一个令人发疯的谜。当她跟其他学生说话时，我琢磨她的每一个字，每一个语气。她说的是她所想的呢，还是她认为自己应该说的？常常听起来她好像正设法说一些她的听众想听的话，这让我想起我的家人，想起我们营造的生活假象——我们比她更善于说谎。为什么她不得不扮演一个角色？她是他们中的一员——一个青少年。
令我感到意外的是，麦克?牛顿带给我另一种痛苦。谁能想到这么一个平庸、无趣的凡人竟能让人如此愤怒？公平地说，我本来应该多少感谢这个恼人的男孩，因为他让那女孩一直说话。透过这些谈话，我更加了解这个女孩——我依然在填写那份清单——不过，与此相反，麦克对这计划的帮助只是令我更恼火。我不想麦克成为那个解开她谜题的人。我想自己来做。
不过，他从来没有留意过她透露出来的细微小事，她的小小的失误，这多少让我心里舒服了一些。他对她一无所知。他在自己的脑子里创造出一个根本就不存在的贝拉——一个就像他一样平庸的女孩。他没有注意到她的无私和勇敢——这使她区别于其他人类，他没有从她的谈话中听出她思想中异常的成熟。当她说起她的母亲时，她听起来更像是父母在谈论孩子，而不是与此相反——那语气充满爱意，纵容，一点点被逗乐，还有强烈的保护欲——这些他都没有察觉到。当她对他的闲聊装作感兴趣时，他没有听出她语气中的耐心，没有猜出在这耐心背后的善良。
透过她和麦克的交谈，我能够在我的清单里加上最重要的品质，它们中最突出的品质，简单而又稀有。贝拉很善良。所有一切加起来汇成一个整体——善良、谦虚、无私、富有爱心和勇敢——她是一个十足的好女孩。
然而，这些有益的发现并没有让我对那男孩产生好感。他看待她的那种方式——就好像她是他的所有物一样——几乎同他对她的无礼幻想一样，激怒了我。随着时间过去，他对她更有信心了，因为她似乎更喜欢他——超过那些他所认为的竞争对手：泰勒、艾里克，甚至偶尔，也包括我？在上课前，他总会例行公事地坐在我们桌子边上，在她的微笑的鼓励下，对她唠叨个没完。只是客气的微笑，我告诉我自己。尽管这样，我还是常常想像自己反手将他从课室这头掷到另一头的墙壁上，以此来使自己得到乐趣。这可能不会让他受到致命伤。
麦克并不是常常把我当作竞争对手。在那场意外过后，他曾担心贝拉和我会因那段共同的经历而熟络起来，不过显然结果适得其反。那时，他还是为我对贝拉另眼相看而感到烦恼。不过现在我已经彻底无视她了，就像我不把其他人放在眼里一样，这让他又自得起来。
她现在正想什么？她欢迎他的关注吗？
还有，最后一样折磨我的，也是最令我痛苦的是：正如我无视她一样，她也无视我。她再也不来跟我说话。就我所知，她根本想都没有想过我。
这让我快疯掉了——甚至让我那改变未来的决心崩溃——除了有些时候她会像之前那样注视我。我并没有亲眼看见，因为我不许自己去看她，不过当她打算看我的时候，爱丽丝总会提醒我们；其他人则依然担心那个女孩内心的猜疑。
当她从远处注视我的时候，那份痛苦多少得到一些解除。当然，她也可能只是想知道我究竟是哪种怪胎。
“在一分钟之内，贝拉就会去看爱德华。看起来正常一点。”三月的一个星期二，爱丽丝这样说道，其他人小心翼翼地在座位上挪动身子，一副坐立不安的样子，就像人类一样：绝对的静止不动是我们族类的一个特征。
随着时间过去，这个频率没有减低，这让我感到高兴，尽管我不该高兴。我不知道这是什么意思，不过这让我感到好受些。
爱丽丝叹息。我希望……我低声地说。“那种事是不会发生的。”
她撅起了嘴。爱丽丝急于跟贝拉建立起她想像中的友谊。她以某种奇怪的方式怀念这个她还不了解的女孩。
我承认，你比我想的要好一些。你把未来弄得乱糟糟的，我又看不清了。我希望你能对此感到满意。
“那对我来说很有意义。”
她嗤之以鼻。
我试图将她的想法屏蔽掉，对这场谈话很不耐烦。我的心情很不好——比我让他们见到的更紧张。只有贾斯帕用他独特的能力感觉到了从我身上传出的紧张——贾斯帕可以感受到别人的情绪，并借此影响他们。不过他并不能理解这些情绪背后的原因，而且——由于这段时间我的心情一直都很糟糕——他也就不理会了。
这一天会很难熬。
麦克?牛顿，那个我不允许自己成为他的竞争对手的讨人厌的男孩——打算邀请贝拉。
一场由女孩择伴的舞会即将到来，他一直很希望贝拉能邀请他。然而她没有这么做，这让他的自信变得不知所措。现在他正处于不安的困境中——我比我应该的更享受他的苦恼——因为杰西卡?史丹利刚刚邀请他参加舞会。他不想答应她，仍然希望贝拉选择他（向那些竞争对手证明他是胜利者），不过他也不想拒绝，生怕自己错过这场舞会。他的犹豫不决伤害了杰西卡，她猜到了原因，并且迁怒于贝拉，又一次，我本能地想让自己插足到杰西卡愤怒的想法和贝拉之间。现在我更能理解这种本能了，不过这只会让我更恼火，因为我无法付诸行动。
想不到我竟然变成这个样子！我已经完全进入我过去曾经鄙视的无足轻重的高中生的角色里了。
麦克在陪贝拉一起去上生物课的时候，已经快把他
收听单词发音 |
1
purgatory
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| n.炼狱；苦难；adj.净化的，清洗的 | |
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purely
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| adv.纯粹地，完全地 | |
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torment
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| n.折磨；令人痛苦的东西(人)；vt.折磨；纠缠 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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rankled
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| v.（使）痛苦不已，（使）怨恨不已( rankle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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rejection
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| n.拒绝，被拒，抛弃，被弃 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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blur
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| n.模糊不清的事物；vt.使模糊，使看不清楚 | |
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escalation
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| n.扩大，增加 | |
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destined
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| adj.命中注定的；(for)以…为目的地的 | |
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pretense
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| n.矫饰，做作，借口 | |
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torments
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| （肉体或精神上的）折磨，痛苦( torment的名词复数 )； 造成痛苦的事物[人] | |
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scent
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| n.气味，香味，香水，线索，嗅觉；v.嗅，发觉 | |
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primal
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| adj.原始的；最重要的 | |
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peripheral
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| adj.周边的，外围的 | |
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analyzed
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| v.分析( analyze的过去式和过去分词 )；分解；解释；对…进行心理分析 | |
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generic
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| adj.一般的，普通的，共有的 | |
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gratitude
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| adj.感激，感谢 | |
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aggravated
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| 使恶化( aggravate的过去式和过去分词 )； 使更严重； 激怒； 使恼火 | |
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maturity
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| n.成熟；完成；(支票、债券等)到期 | |
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feigned
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| a.假装的，不真诚的 | |
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sporadically
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| adv.偶发地，零星地 | |
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25
chattering
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| n. （机器振动发出的）咔嗒声，(鸟等)鸣，啁啾 adj. 喋喋不休的，啾啾声的 动词chatter的现在分词形式 | |
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thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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indifference
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| n.不感兴趣，不关心，冷淡，不在乎 | |
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wary
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| adj.谨慎的，机警的，小心的 | |
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pouted
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| v.撅（嘴）( pout的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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snarled
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| v.（指狗）吠，嗥叫， （人）咆哮( snarl的过去式和过去分词 )；咆哮着说，厉声地说 | |
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emanate
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| v.发自，来自，出自 | |
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foul
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| adj.污秽的；邪恶的；v.弄脏；妨害；犯规；n.犯规 | |
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odious
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| adj.可憎的，讨厌的 | |
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rattled
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| 慌乱的，恼火的 | |
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discomfort
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| n.不舒服，不安，难过，困难，不方便 | |
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hesitation
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| n.犹豫，踌躇 | |
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daggers
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| 匕首，短剑( dagger的名词复数 ) | |
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38
frustrating
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| adj.产生挫折的，使人沮丧的，令人泄气的v.使不成功( frustrate的现在分词 )；挫败；使受挫折；令人沮丧 | |
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utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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awareness
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| n.意识，觉悟，懂事，明智 | |
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41
scrambled
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| v.快速爬行( scramble的过去式和过去分词 )；攀登；争夺；（军事飞机）紧急起飞 | |
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42
disapproval
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| n.反对，不赞成 | |
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43
clench
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| vt.捏紧（拳头等），咬紧（牙齿等），紧紧握住 | |
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44
oblivious
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| adj.易忘的，遗忘的，忘却的，健忘的 | |
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outright
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| adv.坦率地；彻底地；立即；adj.无疑的；彻底的 | |
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46
outlet
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| n.出口/路；销路；批发商店；通风口；发泄 | |
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47
yearned
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| 渴望，切盼，向往( yearn的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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tangle
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| n.纠缠；缠结；混乱；v.(使)缠绕；变乱 | |
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49
plummeted
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| v.垂直落下，骤然跌落( plummet的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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50
remorse
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| n.痛恨，悔恨，自责 | |
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51
sullenly
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| 不高兴地，绷着脸，忧郁地 | |
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52
growl
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| v.（狗等）嗥叫，（炮等）轰鸣；n.嗥叫，轰鸣 | |
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53
wheedling
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| v.骗取（某物），哄骗（某人干某事）( wheedle的现在分词 ) | |
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54
jealousy
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| n.妒忌，嫉妒，猜忌 | |
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55
loyalty
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| n.忠诚，忠心 | |
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56
mumbled
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| 含糊地说某事，叽咕，咕哝( mumble的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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57
gasp
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| n.喘息，气喘；v.喘息；气吁吁他说 | |
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58
guilt
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| n.犯罪；内疚；过失，罪责 | |
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59
jittery
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| adj. 神经过敏的, 战战兢兢的 | |
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60
intensity
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| n.强烈，剧烈；强度；烈度 | |
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61
crumble
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| vi.碎裂，崩溃；vt.弄碎，摧毁 | |
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62
devastatingly
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| adv. 破坏性地，毁灭性地，极其 | |
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63
briefly
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| adv.简单地，简短地 | |
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64
scorched
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| 烧焦，烤焦( scorch的过去式和过去分词 )； 使（植物）枯萎，把…晒枯； 高速行驶； 枯焦 | |
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65
dual
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| adj.双的；二重的，二元的 | |
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66
craved
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| 渴望，热望( crave的过去式 )； 恳求，请求 | |
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67
crimson
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| n./adj.深(绯)红色(的)；vi.脸变绯红色 | |
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68
strand
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| vt.使（船）搁浅，使（某人）困于（某地） | |
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69
hissed
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| 发嘶嘶声( hiss的过去式和过去分词 )； 发嘘声表示反对 | |
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70
frustration
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| n.挫折，失败，失效，落空 | |
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71
pointed
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| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
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72
shreds
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| v.撕碎，切碎( shred的第三人称单数 )；用撕毁机撕毁（文件） | |
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73
intervals
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| n.[军事]间隔( interval的名词复数 )；间隔时间；[数学]区间；（戏剧、电影或音乐会的）幕间休息 | |
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74
frustrated
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| adj.挫败的，失意的，泄气的v.使不成功( frustrate的过去式和过去分词 )；挫败；使受挫折；令人沮丧 | |
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75
jaw
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| n.颚，颌，说教，流言蜚语；v.喋喋不休，教训 | |
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76
truthful
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| adj.真实的，说实话的，诚实的 | |
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77
tightened
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| 收紧( tighten的过去式和过去分词 )； （使）变紧； （使）绷紧； 加紧 | |
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78
winced
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| 赶紧避开，畏缩( wince的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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79
clenched
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| v.紧握，抓紧，咬紧( clench的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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80
stunned
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| adj. 震惊的，惊讶的 动词stun的过去式和过去分词 | |
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81
seething
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| 沸腾的，火热的 | |
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82
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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83
gritting
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| v.以沙砾覆盖（某物），撒沙砾于( grit的现在分词 )；咬紧牙关 | |
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84
doorway
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| n.门口，(喻)入门；门路，途径 | |
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85
rigidly
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| adv.刻板地，僵化地 | |
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86
retrieving
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| n.检索（过程），取还v.取回( retrieve的现在分词 )；恢复；寻回；检索（储存的信息） | |
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87
bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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88
halfway
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| adj.中途的，不彻底的，部分的；adv.半路地，在中途，在半途 | |
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89
irritation
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| n.激怒，恼怒，生气 | |
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90
wrenched
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| v.（猛力地）扭( wrench的过去式和过去分词 )；扭伤；使感到痛苦；使悲痛 | |
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91
stomped
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| v.跺脚，践踏，重踏( stomp的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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92
glower
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| v.怒目而视 | |
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93
lure
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| n.吸引人的东西，诱惑物；vt.引诱，吸引 | |
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94
shrugged
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| vt.耸肩（shrug的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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95
ambush
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| n.埋伏(地点)；伏兵；v.埋伏；伏击 | |
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96
stiffen
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| v.(使)硬，(使)变挺，(使)变僵硬 | |
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97
abruptly
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| adv.突然地，出其不意地 | |
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98
flustered
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| adj.慌张的；激动不安的v.使慌乱，使不安( fluster的过去式和过去分词) | |
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99
slumped
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| 大幅度下降，暴跌( slump的过去式和过去分词 )； 沉重或突然地落下[倒下] | |
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100
catching
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| adj.易传染的，有魅力的，迷人的，接住 | |
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101
glowered
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| v.怒视( glower的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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102
rusted
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| v.（使）生锈( rust的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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103
blanched
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| v.使变白( blanch的过去式 )；使（植物）不见阳光而变白；酸洗（金属）使有光泽；用沸水烫（杏仁等）以便去皮 | |
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104
strutted
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| 趾高气扬地走，高视阔步( strut的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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105
horrified
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| a.(表现出)恐惧的 | |
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106
desperately
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| adv.极度渴望地，绝望地，孤注一掷地 | |
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107
scowling
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| 怒视，生气地皱眉( scowl的现在分词 ) | |
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108
revved
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| v.（使）加速( rev的过去式和过去分词 )；（数量、活动等）激增；（使发动机）快速旋转；（使）活跃起来 | |
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109
chuckle
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| vi.／n.轻声笑，咯咯笑 | |
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110
morose
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| adj.脾气坏的，不高兴的 | |
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111
hairpin
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| n.簪,束发夹，夹发针 | |
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112
screeched
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| v.发出尖叫声( screech的过去式和过去分词 )；发出粗而刺耳的声音；高叫 | |
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113
overdid
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| v.做得过分( overdo的过去式 )；太夸张；把…煮得太久；（工作等）过度 | |
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114
glutting
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| v.吃得过多( glut的现在分词 )；（对胃口、欲望等）纵情满足；使厌腻；塞满 | |
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115
elk
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| n.麋鹿 | |
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116
curb
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| n.场外证券市场，场外交易；vt.制止，抑制 | |
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117
twitched
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| vt.& vi.（使）抽动，（使）颤动（twitch的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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118
repulsed
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| v.击退( repulse的过去式和过去分词 )；驳斥；拒绝 | |
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119
repulse
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| n.击退，拒绝；vt.逐退，击退，拒绝 | |
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120
furrow
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| n.沟；垄沟；轨迹；车辙；皱纹 | |
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121
eyebrows
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| 眉毛( eyebrow的名词复数 ) | |
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122
Flared
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| adj. 端部张开的, 爆发的, 加宽的, 漏斗式的 动词flare的过去式和过去分词 | |
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123
tempting
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| a.诱人的, 吸引人的 | |
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124
cringing
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| adj.谄媚，奉承 | |
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125
groan
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| vi./n.呻吟，抱怨；(发出)呻吟般的声音 | |
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126
spines
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| n.脊柱( spine的名词复数 )；脊椎；（动植物的）刺；书脊 | |
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127
scattered
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| adj.分散的，稀疏的；散步的；疏疏落落的 | |
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dedicated
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| adj.一心一意的；献身的；热诚的 | |
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129
intrigued
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| adj.好奇的，被迷住了的v.搞阴谋诡计(intrigue的过去式)；激起…的兴趣或好奇心；“intrigue”的过去式和过去分词 | |
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130
tangled
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| adj. 纠缠的，紊乱的 动词tangle的过去式和过去分词 | |
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131
tatty
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| adj.不整洁的，简陋的 | |
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132
wryly
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| adv. 挖苦地，嘲弄地 | |
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133
shrieking
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| v.尖叫( shriek的现在分词 ) | |
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134
worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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135
vampire
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| n.吸血鬼 | |
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136
immortal
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| adj.不朽的；永生的，不死的；神的 | |
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137
transformation
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| n.变化；改造；转变 | |
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138
fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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139
futures
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| n.期货，期货交易 | |
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140
killing
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| n.巨额利润；突然赚大钱，发大财 | |
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inordinately
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| adv.无度地，非常地 | |
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142
longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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143
fragrance
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| n.芬芳，香味，香气 | |
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144
feverish
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| adj.发烧的，狂热的，兴奋的 | |
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melancholy
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| n.忧郁，愁思；adj.令人感伤（沮丧）的，忧郁的 | |
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siblings
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| n.兄弟，姐妹( sibling的名词复数 ) | |
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147
casually
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| adv.漠不关心地，无动于衷地，不负责任地 | |
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148
rumbling
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| n. 隆隆声, 辘辘声 adj. 隆隆响的 动词rumble的现在分词 | |
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149
moot
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| v.提出；adj.未决议的；n.大会；辩论会 | |
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150
random
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| adj.随机的；任意的；n.偶然的(或随便的)行动 | |
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151
arrogant
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| adj.傲慢的，自大的 | |
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152
puddle
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| n.(雨)水坑，泥潭 | |
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153
caress
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| vt./n.爱抚，抚摸 | |
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154
gasped
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| v.喘气( gasp的过去式和过去分词 )；喘息；倒抽气；很想要 | |
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155
irrational
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| adj.无理性的，失去理性的 | |
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156
disorder
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| n.紊乱，混乱；骚动，骚乱；疾病，失调 | |
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157
erratic
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| adj.古怪的，反复无常的，不稳定的 | |
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158
unfamiliar
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| adj.陌生的，不熟悉的 | |
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159
grumbled
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| 抱怨( grumble的过去式和过去分词 )； 发牢骚； 咕哝； 发哼声 | |
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160
sarcastically
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| adv.挖苦地，讽刺地 | |
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161
fervor
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| n.热诚；热心；炽热 | |
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162
smote
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| v.猛打，重击，打击( smite的过去式 ) | |
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