The devil a saint was he."
Jack1 sat, one evening, on a horse-block just outside the front gate, contemplating2 the evening star and such of its companions as were putting in their respective appearances. He was attired3 rather more carefully than was considered necessary for a Doveton boy on any day but Sunday, and his countenance4 was in keeping with his garb5; while his hair was brushed to a degree of smoothness almost dandyish. Suddenly one-half of the Pinkshaw twins approached and asked Jack if he didn't feel like going that night to a meeting to be held by the German Methodists, who were holding a series of week-day evening services.
"I can't," said Jack. "We're expecting—expecting a visitor, and I must stay home to meet him."
"That's too bad," said the half of the Pinkshaw twins, scraping the dust into a heap with his bare feet, "for they've got old Vater Offenstein, all the way from New Munich, to do the exhorting8, and they expect a great time."
"They are real good people, those German Methodists are," said Jack, "but you'll have to excuse me to-night. Get some other fellow to go with you."
"I can't," explained young Pinkshaw. "Nearly all the boys are going to a party at Billy Barker's sister's, but Billy and I don't speak since he traded me a dog that was given to fits, so I'm not going."
Jack sympathized with the Pinkshaw twin in his loneliness; besides, he did not know but some feeling stronger than mere9 curiosity was drawing the boy toward the church; certainly he, Jack, would never have divulged10 a religious feeling in any but a roundabout way. The church was but a five minutes' walk, and he could excuse himself and come away after the Pinkshaw twin became fairly interested. So he accompanied the boy, their direction being toward the sound of some very spirited singing, which could be distinctly heard above all other evening sounds. Arrived at the little church, Jack found that his companion would not have lacked congenial society even had he come alone, for in the back seats were already congregated11 several boys of respectable parentage, and a loafer or two besides, as well as half a dozen adults who frequently occupied back seats in churches. Jack would have retired12 at once, but the famous Vater Offenstein had just ascended13 the pulpit, removed his coat, laid it across the desk and opened the Bible, and Jack, who was just then full of sympathy with all believers of the Word, was anxious to observe the old man's method.
The service began with an earnest prayer, to which responses were offered from most of the benches near the altar. Then a rich old German choral was finely rendered, after which Vater Offenstein proceeded to business. Jack understood a little of the exhortation14, having studied German, and he ventured a silent prayer that its whole meaning might be taken in by Sam Mugley, the sadler shop apprentice15, who understood German and all the ways of the evil one beside. The discourse16 was apparently17 a powerful one, for "Amen!" "Gott macht es!" "Liebes Herr und Heiland!" and various other responses escaped frequently from the faithful. Old Nokkerman, man-of-all-work at Matt Bolton's father's store, seemed particularly excited; he waved to and fro on his seat, his shock of long uncombed hair with a bald spot in its centre making him particularly noticeable. The old man's cranium did not, however, attract attention only from admirers of the picturesque18, for suddenly a small but rapid ball of soft-chewed paper made a fair bull's eye on the circle of bare scalp, and flattened19 itself over considerable space. Old Nokkerman turned speedily to perceive only several rows of solemn-faced unregenerates, Jack's eye being the only one he could catch, so he shook his fist warningly at the general line of occupants of the back seats, and then resumed his blissful manifestations20 as quickly as if the religious ecstacy were a mere habit which could be assumed or laid aside at will. A hurried interchange of views took place in a whisper on the furthest seat back, with the result that Sam Mugley, the sadler shop apprentice, slyly drew a small tin putty-blower from an inner breast pocket, and aimed a ball of putty at old Nokkerman's cranial target. The shot missed its mark, being low and to one side, and struck Fritz Shantz a smart blow in the back of his neck. As Shantz was a butcher as well as a devout21 Methodist, he rose instantly with blood in his eye, and started for the back of the church, his mien22 being so terrible that one of the more cautious of the loafers hurried out of church and took to his heels, thus diverting suspicion from the guilty person, and laying up for himself a day of wrath23 which Shantz determined24 should not be long postponed25.
Jack was really in sympathy with the worshippers, and was also indignant, with them, at the godless disturbers of the excellent tone of the meeting, but it was out of the power of any healthy boy with a keen sense of the ridiculous to avoid a little laughter at the peculiar26 ways of old Nokkerman and the butcher under their annoyances27. And a little laughter in a boy of fourteen is quite likely to be something like the beginning of strife28; it led to more and yet more, until Jack was too full to restrain his merriment, and it bubbled out of his eyes and all over his face. The brethren knew by experience that when disturbances30 began so early in the evening, the occasion demanded sharp eyes and prompt action, so several of the occupants of the "Amen" seats kept a pretty steady sidelong glance at the back benches, while one brother walked quietly out of church and notified a constable31 that trouble was expected.
Meanwhile, Vater Offenstein continued his exhortations32, alternating between heavenly love and the brimstone of the unpopular extreme of the debatable land, and the excitable among the brethren and sisters responded more and more fervently33, and Gottlieb Wiffterschneck sprang to his feet and jumped up and down shouting, "Ach, Herr Jesu!" when the horse doctor's boy, who had been biding34 his time outside the church just under one of the windows, carefully trained a huge syringe to bear upon the altar, and deluged35 Vater Offenstein's face with water, which, like the precious oil upon the head of Aaron, ran down upon his beard and garments, and shed considerable upon the Holy Book beside. This was too much for even good Vater Offenstein, so instead of repeating the sublime36 prayer of the dying Stephen he picked up a small wooden bench upon which short preachers usually knelt in the pulpit, and hurled37 it at the window, missing the open space and sending it through two panes38 of glass and the intervening sash. This provoked a laugh even from one or two of the faithful, so the occupants of the back benches released themselves from all restraint, and laughed aloud in a most unseemly manner, while Vater Offenstein wiped his face and hair with his coat, and quoted appropriate passages of Scripture39 most dreadfully between his teeth, translating some of them into English for the benefit of the race from which alone the annoyances of the brethren proceeded. A general quiet being thereby40 induced, the exhortation was resumed for a short time, and ended in an invitation to the penitent41 to go forward to the altar and be prayed for.
While the brethren sang a hymn42, several sinners passed up the narrow aisle43 and Jack turned his head with the hope that he might see Sam Mugley, the saddler shop apprentice, join the band, but the wicked Sam was just in the act of blowing a second putty-ball, and Jack's head coming suddenly in range as it turned, the ball struck Jack fairly in one eye, causing the boy to emit a howl of anguish44. In an instant Shantz the butcher had collared Jack and shaken him soundly, exclaiming,
"Dat iss vat7 a gute Amerigan boy iss, iss it?"
"Somebody hit me in the eye with something," screamed Jack, "and it hurts awfully45. Oh!"
"Den6 dat iss too bad," said Shantz. "Dell me who it vass and I will break effery bone in hiss46 body."
But Jack could not tell, and several sympathizing brethren gathered about him and suggested that he should take a seat farther forward, and be where the bad boys could not annoy him. Although this suggestion, thanks to the mysterious ways of the unfathomable German mind, was equivalent to asking him to put himself more directly under fire, Jack gladly availed himself of it, so as to remove himself from an environment which was full of cause for suspicion.
By this time the assemblage was on its knees, listening to a prayer by Petrus von Schlenker. Petrus' prayer was very earnest, but it was also long; it was delivered with such rapidity that Jack could not understand a word of it, so the exercise became rather monotonous47 to him, and he opened his eyes and looked about. Under the single slat which formed the back of the bench, and directly in front of him, Jack beheld48 the broad and well-patched trowsers-seat of Nuderkopf Trinkelspiel, and Satan, who long ago became noted49 for putting in an appearance when the Sons of God were in council (See Job, Chap. I), suggested to Jack that through such a mass of patches a bent50 pin might work its way for quite a distance without doing any serious damage to the wearer. Jack broke an anticipatory51 laugh square in two, and closed his eyes in prayer to be delivered from temptation, but when he opened his eyes again there were the patches, apparently a little more inviting52 than before. Jack did not exactly wish that some good brother on the bench behind Nuderkopf Trinkelspiel would think to crook53 a pin and place it on Nuderkopf's bench just as the latter arose to take his seat, but he wished, in case anyone should be prompted to do such a thing, that he, Jack, might have his head turned just then so as to observe the result of the operation. And still Petrus von Schlenker's prayer went on, and Jack's eyes remained open, and the boy was glad that he did not occupy the seat behind Nuderkopf Trinkelspiel, lest he might be tempted54. Suddenly there came to Jack something which would have been called an inspiration had its tendency been different. He remembered that he had a pin in the lapel of his own jacket, and it occurred to him that this pin might be bent so as to have a reliable base, and the point might be inserted in the seat of Nuderkopf Trinkelspiel's trowsers, where it would be in position to attend to business as soon as the worshippers resumed a sitting posture55. Jack promptly56 whispered to himself "Get thee behind me, Satan," suiting the action to the word by removing the pin from the coat and dropping it on the floor. But there it was more tempting57 than it had been before; it lay there, bright, thick and strong, demanding that Jack should look at it. It was no common, soft pin, to collapse58 at the first sign of pressure, but tough enough to serve as a nail, if occasion required. Jack was really curious to know if so unprecedented59 an application of a pin could be successful, because, if he became a preacher, as he instantly resolved he would, he might some time preach in German in that very church, and then if such a trick were served upon any one, he would be able to detect the guilty person. Besides, the patch seemed to repose60 upon other patches, and probably the pin point could not more than pierce the cloth itself, where it would be when Nuderkopf Trinkelspiel knelt at the next prayer, and it would demonstrate what would be the effect of a similar operation upon a thinner pair of trowsers.
Jack picked up the pin and bent it with the greatest care, though it would have seemed to an exact scientist that the upright portion was unnecessarily long for a purpose merely experimental. He inserted it with the greatest nicety between the coarse threads of the homespun patch, and though he admitted that Petrus von Schlenker was considered a very good man, he determined that his prayer was too long to be efficacious. Suddenly the voluble Petrus said "Amen," the audience arose, Jack's heart bounced into his mouth, Nuderkopf Trinkelspiel began to sit down, the brethren started the noble choral beginning
"Groser Gott wir loben dich;
Herr, wir preisen deiner st?rke,"
when suddenly Nuderkopf Trinkelspiel emitted a most appalling61 yell, and followed it up with so many others of a similar character, that the song sank to a faltering62 termination, and the singers crowded around their disturber, scarcely knowing whether to attribute the disturbance29 to pain or to grace. Several minutes elapsed before Nuderkopf Trinkelspiel sought the cause of his agony, but when at length he extracted the pin from the seat of his trowsers and held it aloft in explanation, no one failed to comprehend the cause of his agitation63. Then astonishment64 gave place to mystery, for it passed conjecture65 how the pin could even have got upon the bench, with several reliable brethren just behind Nuderkopf and one at either side of him. During the general arising, Jack considered it safer to start homeward to see the company that had been expected early in the evening, but he lingered outside the window just a moment, to see the excitement subside66, and great was his mirth as he beheld the wondering faces of the honest Germans. Here he was joined by the Pinkshaw twin and two or three other boys, but just then Vater Offenstein reminded the congregation that time was rapidly bearing them on to eternity67, so the brethren resumed their seats, and Jack was going to start for home when the Pinkshaw twin asked, perhaps forgetting Jack's new professions,
"What next?"
Lazy George Crayton remarked that he had brought some torpedoes68 which he had saved over from the fourth of July, but none of them had exploded when he threw them, perhaps because in the church he could not get good elbow-room when he threw.
Jack had determined not to make any more trouble, but if there was anything which he despised above all others, it was a person who could never think of but one way to do a thing. So he reproached George Crayton with being a dunderhead, and George replied that if somebody was smarter than somebody else, perhaps somebody would have the kindness to show how. So Jack thought carefully for a moment or two, and then asked if anyone had an old letter in his pocket. Nobody answered in the affirmative, but as Jack said that any stout69 sheet of paper a foot long would do, a boy who lived near by sped homeward, and soon returned with a sheet of foolscap. Jack rolled this into a tube, put several torpedoes into it, put his lips to one end by way of illustration, and remarked
"There!"
"I'll bet you can't blow them hard enough to snap," whispered the lazy George in reply.
Such an aspersion70 of the power of his lungs was too much for Jack's principles, so he peered cautiously about the church for an appropriate mark. Vater Offenstein was the most prominent and tempting one in sight, but him Jack regarded almost as the Lord's anointed. On either side of the pulpit, however, were large oil lamps, and inviting attention to the one which was nearest, Jack took deliberate aim and blew a mighty71 blast. He missed the lamp, but the wall behind the pulpit was hard enough to stop any small projectile72, and against this the torpedoes crashed almost as a single one, and caused Vater Offenstein to jump nearly across the pulpit. Half a dozen of the faithful hurried out of doors, and after them, to see the fun, dashed all the occupants of the back seats, while from some unknown hiding place sprang the constable. Away flew the boys, all in the same direction, and after them went the constable, the brethren and the whole body of the scoffers. Jack and the Pinkshaw twin easily got away from their pursuers and found friendly cover in the darkness, but a confused sound of harsh voices, dominated by a loud wail73, indicated that lazy George Crayton had been caught.
"Oh, oh, oh," exclaimed Jack in a hoarse74 whisper, "isn't it too dreadful?"
"Never mind," said the Pinkshaw twin, reassuringly75, "they haven't got us."
"They will get us, though," said Jack. "That George Crayton will tell on us—he's an awful coward when he gets cornered. What shall I do?"
"Lick him," suggested the Pinkshaw twin; "lick him until he'll be afraid to say his soul's his own the next time he gets into a scrape."
"That isn't it," said Jack. "The thing will get all over town, and all this time I ought to have been at home to see Mr. Daybright, who was to come to our house to-night for the express purpose of examining me on my evidences!"
The Pinkshaw twin had nothing to say in reply to this information, and Jack sneaked76 home and hung about the doorway77 until he assured himself that Mr. Daybright had gone; then he made some lame78 excuse for his absence and retired to a very uneasy pillow.
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1
jack
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| n.插座，千斤顶，男人；v.抬起，提醒，扛举；n.（Jake）杰克 | |
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contemplating
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| 深思，细想，仔细考虑( contemplate的现在分词 )； 注视，凝视； 考虑接受（发生某事的可能性）； 深思熟虑，沉思，苦思冥想 | |
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3
attired
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| adj.穿着整齐的v.使穿上衣服，使穿上盛装( attire的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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4
countenance
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| n.脸色，面容；面部表情；vt.支持，赞同 | |
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garb
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| n.服装，装束 | |
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den
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| n.兽穴；秘密地方；安静的小房间，私室 | |
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7
vat
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| n.(=value added tax)增值税，大桶 | |
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8
exhorting
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| v.劝告，劝说( exhort的现在分词 ) | |
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9
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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divulged
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| v.吐露，泄露( divulge的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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11
congregated
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| （使）集合，聚集( congregate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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retired
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| adj.隐退的，退休的，退役的 | |
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13
ascended
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| v.上升，攀登( ascend的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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exhortation
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| n.劝告，规劝 | |
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15
apprentice
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| n.学徒，徒弟 | |
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discourse
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| n.论文，演说；谈话；话语；vi.讲述，著述 | |
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17
apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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picturesque
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| adj.美丽如画的，（语言）生动的，绘声绘色的 | |
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19
flattened
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| [医]（水）平扁的，弄平的 | |
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manifestations
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| n.表示，显示（manifestation的复数形式） | |
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21
devout
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| adj.虔诚的，虔敬的，衷心的 (n.devoutness) | |
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mien
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| n.风采；态度 | |
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wrath
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| n.愤怒，愤慨，暴怒 | |
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determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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25
postponed
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| vt.& vi.延期，缓办，（使）延迟vt.把…放在次要地位；[语]把…放在后面（或句尾）vi.（疟疾等）延缓发作（或复发） | |
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peculiar
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| adj.古怪的，异常的；特殊的，特有的 | |
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27
annoyances
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| n.恼怒( annoyance的名词复数 )；烦恼；打扰；使人烦恼的事 | |
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strife
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| n.争吵，冲突，倾轧，竞争 | |
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disturbance
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| n.动乱，骚动；打扰，干扰；(身心)失调 | |
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disturbances
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| n.骚乱( disturbance的名词复数 )；打扰；困扰；障碍 | |
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31
constable
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| n.(英国)警察，警官 | |
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32
exhortations
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| n.敦促( exhortation的名词复数 )；极力推荐；（正式的）演讲；（宗教仪式中的）劝诫 | |
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fervently
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| adv.热烈地，热情地，强烈地 | |
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34
biding
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| v.等待，停留( bide的现在分词 )；居住；（过去式用bided）等待；面临 | |
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35
deluged
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| v.使淹没( deluge的过去式和过去分词 )；淹没；被洪水般涌来的事物所淹没；穷于应付 | |
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36
sublime
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| adj.崇高的，伟大的；极度的，不顾后果的 | |
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37
hurled
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| v.猛投，用力掷( hurl的过去式和过去分词 )；大声叫骂 | |
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38
panes
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| 窗玻璃( pane的名词复数 ) | |
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39
scripture
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| n.经文，圣书，手稿；Scripture:(常用复数)《圣经》，《圣经》中的一段 | |
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40
thereby
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| adv.因此，从而 | |
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41
penitent
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| adj.后悔的；n.后悔者；忏悔者 | |
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42
hymn
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| n.赞美诗，圣歌，颂歌 | |
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43
aisle
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| n.（教堂、教室、戏院等里的）过道，通道 | |
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44
anguish
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| n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦，烦恼 | |
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45
awfully
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| adv.可怕地，非常地，极端地 | |
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46
hiss
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| v.发出嘶嘶声；发嘘声表示不满 | |
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47
monotonous
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| adj.单调的，一成不变的，使人厌倦的 | |
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48
beheld
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| v.看，注视( behold的过去式和过去分词 )；瞧；看呀；（叙述中用于引出某人意外的出现）哎哟 | |
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49
noted
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| adj.著名的，知名的 | |
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50
bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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51
anticipatory
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| adj.预想的，预期的 | |
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52
inviting
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| adj.诱人的，引人注目的 | |
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53
crook
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| v.使弯曲；n.小偷，骗子，贼；弯曲(处) | |
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54
tempted
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| v.怂恿（某人）干不正当的事；冒…的险（tempt的过去分词） | |
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55
posture
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| n.姿势，姿态，心态，态度；v.作出某种姿势 | |
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56
promptly
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| adv.及时地，敏捷地 | |
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57
tempting
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| a.诱人的, 吸引人的 | |
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58
collapse
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| vi.累倒；昏倒；倒塌；塌陷 | |
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unprecedented
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| adj.无前例的，新奇的 | |
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repose
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| v.(使)休息；n.安息 | |
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61
appalling
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| adj.骇人听闻的，令人震惊的，可怕的 | |
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62
faltering
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| 犹豫的，支吾的，蹒跚的 | |
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63
agitation
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| n.搅动；搅拌；鼓动，煽动 | |
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64
astonishment
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| n.惊奇，惊异 | |
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conjecture
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| n./v.推测，猜测 | |
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66
subside
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| vi.平静，平息；下沉，塌陷，沉降 | |
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67
eternity
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| n.不朽，来世；永恒，无穷 | |
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68
torpedoes
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| 鱼雷( torpedo的名词复数 )； 油井爆破筒； 刺客； 掼炮 | |
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70
aspersion
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| n.诽谤，中伤 | |
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71
mighty
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| adj.强有力的；巨大的 | |
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72
projectile
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| n.投射物，发射体；adj.向前开进的；推进的；抛掷的 | |
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73
wail
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| vt./vi.大声哀号，恸哭；呼啸，尖啸 | |
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74
hoarse
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| adj.嘶哑的，沙哑的 | |
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75
reassuringly
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| ad.安心，可靠 | |
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76
sneaked
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| v.潜行( sneak的过去式和过去分词 )；偷偷溜走；（儿童向成人）打小报告；告状 | |
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77
doorway
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| n.门口，(喻)入门；门路，途径 | |
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78
lame
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| adj.跛的，(辩解、论据等)无说服力的 | |
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