Mariam and Laila kept a watchful4 eye on her as they did thewash, Mariam's knuckles5 bumping Laila's as they scrubbedshirts and trousers and diapers.
Mariam slowly grew accustomed to this tentative but pleasantcompanionship. She was eager for the three cups ofchai sheand Laila would share in the yard, a nightly ritual now. In themornings, Mariam found herself looking forward to the soundof Laila's cracked slippers7 slapping the steps as she came downfor breakfast and to the tinkle8 of Aziza's shrill9 laugh, to thesight of her eight little teeth, the milky10 scent11 of her skin. IfLaila and Aziza slept in, Mariam became anxious waiting. Shewashed dishes that didn't need washing. She rearrangedcushions in the living room. She dusted clean windowsills. Shekept herself occupied until Laila entered the kitchen, Azizahoisted on her hip6.
When Aziza first spotted12 Mariam in the morning, her eyesalways sprang open, and she began mewling and squirming inher mother's grip. She thrust her arms toward Mariam,demanding to be held, her tiny hands opening and closingurgently, on her face a look of both adoration13 and quiveringanxiety.
"What a scene you're making," Laila would say, releasing herto crawl toward Mariam. "What a scene! Calm down. KhalaMariam isn't going anywhere. There she is, your aunt. See? Goon, now."As soon as she was in Mariam's arms, Aziza's thumb shotinto her mouth and she buried her face in Mariam's neck.
Mariam bounced her stiffly, a half-bewildered, half-gratefulsmile on her lips. Mariam had never before been wanted likethis. Love had never been declared to her so guilelessly, sounreservedly.
Aziza made Mariam want to weep.
"Why have you pinned your little heart to an old, ugly haglike me?" Mariam would murmur14 into Aziza's hair. "Huh? I amnobody, don't you see? Adehatl What have I got to give you?"But Aziza only muttered contentedly15 and dug her face indeeper. And when she did that, Mariam swooned. Her eyeswatered. Her heart took flight. And she marveled at how, afterall these years of rattling16 loose, she had found in this littlecreature the first true connection in her life of false, failedconnections.
* * *Early the following yeah, in January 1994, Dostumdid switchsides. He joined Gulbuddin Hekmatyar, and took up positionnear Bala Hissar, the old citadel17 walls that loomed18 over the cityfrom the Koh-e-Shirdawazamountains. Together, they fired on Massoud and Rabbaniforces at the Ministry19 of Defense20 and the Presidential Palace.
From either side of the Kabul River, they released rounds ofartillery at each other. The streets became littered with bodies,glass, and crumpled21 chunks22 of metal. There was looting,murder, and, increasingly, rape23, which was used to intimidatecivilians and reward militiamen. Mariam heard of women whowere killing26 themselves out of fear of being raped27, and of menwho, in the name of honor, would kill their wives or daughtersif they'd been raped by the militia25.
Aziza shrieked28 at the thumping29 of mortars30. To distract her,Mariam arranged grains of rice on the floor, in the shape of ahouse or a rooster or a star, and let Aziza scatter31 them. Shedrew elephants for Aziza the way Jalil had shown her, in onestroke, without ever lifting the tip of the pen.
Rasheed said civilians24 were getting killed daily, by the dozens.
Hospitals and stores holding medical supplies were gettingshelled. Vehicles carrying emergency food supplies were beingbarred from entering the city, he said, raided, shot at. Mariamwondered if there was fighting like this in Herat too, and, if so,how Mullah Faizullah was coping, if he was still alive, andBibijo too, with all her sons, brides, and grandchildren. And, ofcourse, Jalil. Washe hiding out, Mariam wondered, as she was? Or had hetaken his wives and children and fled the country? She hopedJalil was somewhere safe, that he'd managed to get away fromall of this killing.
For a week, the fighting forced even Rasheed to stay home.
He locked the door to the yard, set booby traps, locked thefront door too and barricaded32 it with the couch. He paced thehouse, smoking, peering out the window, cleaning his gun,loading and loading it again. Twice, he fired his weapon intothe street claiming he'd seen someone trying to climb the wall.
"They're forcing young boys to join," he said.
"TheMujahideenare. In plain daylight, at gunpoint. They dragboys right off the streets. And when soldiers from a rival militiacapture these boys, they torture them. I heard they electrocutethem-it's what I heard-that they crush their balls with pliers.
They make the boys lead them to their homes. Then theybreak in, kill their fathers, rape their sisters and mothers."He waved his gun over his head. "Let's see them try tobreak into my house. I'll crushtheir balls! I'll blow their headsoff! Do you know how lucky you two are to have a manwho's not afraid of Shaitan himself?"He looked down at the ground, noticed Aziza at his feet. "Getoff my heels!" he snapped, making a shooing motion with hisgun. "Stop following me! And you can stop twirling your wristslike that. I'm not picking you up. Go on! Go on before you getstepped on."Aziza flinched33. She crawled back to Mariam, looking bruisedand confused. In Mariam's lap, she sucked her thumbcheerlessly and watched Rasheed in a sullen34, pensive35 way.
Occasionally, she looked up, Mariam imagined, with a look ofwanting to be reassured36.
But when it came to fathers, Mariam had no assurances togive.
* * *Maeiam was relieved when the fighting subsided37 again, mostlybecause they no longer had to be cooped up with Rasheed,with his sour temper infecting the household. And he'dfrightened her badly waving that loaded gun near Aziza.
One day that winter, Laila asked to braid Mariam's hair.
Mariam sat still and watched Laila's slim fingers in the mirrortighten her plaits, Laila's face scrunched38 in concentration. Azizawas curled up asleep on the floor. Tucked under her arm wasa doll Mariam had hand-stitched for her. Mariam had stuffed itwith beans, made it a dress with tea-dyed fabric39 and anecklace with tiny empty thread spools40 through which she'dthreaded a string.
Then Aziza passed gas in her sleep. Laila began to laugh, andMariam joined in. They laughed like this, at each other'sreflection in the mirror, their eyes tearing, and the moment wasso natural, so effortless, that suddenly Mariam started tellingher about Jalil, and Nana, andthe jinn. Laila stood with herhands idle on Mariam's shoulders, eyes locked on Mariam'sface in the mirror. Out the words came, like blood gushingfrom an artery41. Mariam told her about Bibi jo, Mullah Faizullah,the humiliating trek42 to Jalil's house, Nana's suicide. She toldabout Jalil's wives, and the hurriednikka with Rasheed, the tripto Kabul, her pregnancies43, the endless cycles of hope anddisappointment, Rasheed's turning on her.
After, Laila sat at the foot of Mariam's chair. Absently, sheremoved a scrap44 of lint45 entangled46 in Aziza's hair. A silenceensued.
"I have something to tell you too," Laila said.
* * *Maeiamdid not sleep that night. She sat in bed, watched thesnow falling soundlessly.
Seasons had come and gone; presidents in Kabul had beeninaugurated and murdered; an empire had been defeated; oldwars had ended and new ones had broken out. But Mariamhad hardly noticed, hardly cared. She had passed these yearsin a distant corner of her mind A dry, barren field, out beyondwish and lament47, beyond dream and disillusionment- There, thefuture did not matter. And the past held only this wisdom: thatlove was a damaging mistake, and its accomplice48, hope, atreacherous illusion. And whenever those twin poisonous flowersbegan to sprout49 in the parched50 land of that field, Mariamuprooted them. She uprooted51 them and ditched them beforethey took hold.
But somehow, over these last months, Laila and Aziza-aharamilike herself, as it turned out-had become extensions of her, andnow, without them, the life Mariam had tolerated for so longsuddenly seemed intolerable.
We're leaving this spring, Aziza and I. Come with us, Mariam.
The years had not been kind to Mariam. But perhaps, shethought, there were kinder years waiting still. A new life, a lifein which she would find the blessings52 that Nana had saidaharami like her would never see. Two new flowers hadunexpectedly sprouted53 in her life, and, as Mariam watched thesnow coming down, she pictured Mullah Faizullah twirlinghisiasbeh beads54, leaning in and whispering to her in his soft,tremulous voice,But it is God Who has planted them, Mariamjo. And it is His will that you tend to them. It is His will, mygirl.
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1
dough
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| n.生面团；钱，现款 | |
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minced
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| v.切碎( mince的过去式和过去分词 )；剁碎；绞碎；用绞肉机绞（食物，尤指肉） | |
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snugly
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| adv.紧贴地；贴身地；暖和舒适地；安适地 | |
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watchful
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| adj.注意的，警惕的 | |
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knuckles
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| n.（指人）指关节( knuckle的名词复数 )；（指动物）膝关节，踝v.（指人）指关节( knuckle的第三人称单数 )；（指动物）膝关节，踝 | |
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hip
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| n.臀部，髋；屋脊 | |
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slippers
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| n. 拖鞋 | |
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tinkle
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| vi.叮当作响；n.叮当声 | |
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shrill
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| adj.尖声的；刺耳的；v尖叫 | |
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milky
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| adj.牛奶的，多奶的；乳白色的 | |
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scent
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| n.气味，香味，香水，线索，嗅觉；v.嗅，发觉 | |
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spotted
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| adj.有斑点的，斑纹的，弄污了的 | |
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adoration
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| n.爱慕，崇拜 | |
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murmur
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| n.低语，低声的怨言；v.低语，低声而言 | |
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contentedly
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| adv.心满意足地 | |
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rattling
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| adj. 格格作响的, 活泼的, 很好的 adv. 极其, 很, 非常 动词rattle的现在分词 | |
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citadel
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| n.城堡；堡垒；避难所 | |
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loomed
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| v.隐约出现，阴森地逼近( loom的过去式和过去分词 )；隐约出现，阴森地逼近 | |
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ministry
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| n.(政府的)部；牧师 | |
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defense
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| n.防御，保卫；[pl.]防务工事；辩护，答辩 | |
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crumpled
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| adj. 弯扭的, 变皱的 动词crumple的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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chunks
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| 厚厚的一块( chunk的名词复数 )； （某物）相当大的数量或部分 | |
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rape
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| n.抢夺，掠夺，强奸；vt.掠夺，抢夺，强奸 | |
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civilians
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| 平民，百姓( civilian的名词复数 )； 老百姓 | |
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militia
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| n.民兵，民兵组织 | |
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killing
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| n.巨额利润；突然赚大钱，发大财 | |
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raped
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| v.以暴力夺取，强夺( rape的过去式和过去分词 )；强奸 | |
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shrieked
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| v.尖叫( shriek的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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thumping
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| adj.重大的，巨大的；重击的；尺码大的；极好的adv.极端地；非常地v.重击(thump的现在分词)；狠打；怦怦地跳；全力支持 | |
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mortars
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| n.迫击炮( mortar的名词复数 )；砂浆；房产；研钵 | |
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scatter
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| vt.撒，驱散，散开；散布/播；vi.分散，消散 | |
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barricaded
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| 设路障于，以障碍物阻塞( barricade的过去式和过去分词 )； 设路障[防御工事]保卫或固守 | |
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33
flinched
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| v.（因危险和痛苦）退缩，畏惧( flinch的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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sullen
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| adj.愠怒的，闷闷不乐的，(天气等)阴沉的 | |
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pensive
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| a.沉思的,哀思的,忧沉的 | |
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reassured
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| adj.使消除疑虑的；使放心的v.再保证，恢复信心( reassure的过去式和过去分词) | |
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37
subsided
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| v.（土地）下陷（因在地下采矿）( subside的过去式和过去分词 )；减弱；下降至较低或正常水平；一下子坐在椅子等上 | |
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38
scrunched
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| v.发出喀嚓声( scrunch的过去式和过去分词 )；蜷缩；压；挤压 | |
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39
fabric
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| n.织物，织品，布；构造，结构，组织 | |
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40
spools
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| n.（绕线、铁线、照相软片等的）管( spool的名词复数 )；络纱；纺纱机；绕圈轴工人v.把…绕到线轴上（或从线轴上绕下来）( spool的第三人称单数 )；假脱机（输出或输入） | |
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41
artery
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| n.干线，要道；动脉 | |
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42
trek
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| vi.作长途艰辛的旅行；n.长途艰苦的旅行 | |
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43
pregnancies
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| 怀孕，妊娠( pregnancy的名词复数 ) | |
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44
scrap
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| n.碎片；废料；v.废弃，报废 | |
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45
lint
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| n.线头；绷带用麻布，皮棉 | |
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46
entangled
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| adj.卷入的；陷入的；被缠住的；缠在一起的v.使某人（某物/自己）缠绕，纠缠于（某物中），使某人（自己）陷入（困难或复杂的环境中）( entangle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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47
lament
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| n.悲叹，悔恨，恸哭；v.哀悼，悔恨，悲叹 | |
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48
accomplice
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| n.从犯，帮凶，同谋 | |
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49
sprout
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| n.芽，萌芽；vt.使发芽，摘去芽；vi.长芽，抽条 | |
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50
parched
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| adj.焦干的；极渴的；v.（使）焦干 | |
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51
uprooted
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| v.把（某物）连根拔起( uproot的过去式和过去分词 )；根除；赶走；把…赶出家园 | |
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52
blessings
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| n.（上帝的）祝福( blessing的名词复数 )；好事；福分；因祸得福 | |
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53
sprouted
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| v.发芽( sprout的过去式和过去分词 )；抽芽；出现；（使）涌现出 | |
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54
beads
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| n.（空心）小珠子( bead的名词复数 )；水珠；珠子项链 | |
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