"Come in, come in! Thank you, Mike!" he said, drawing his long gray robe about him and retying the silken cord at the waist. "I can't eat a bite, but I want the coffee. Wait; I'll clear the table."
He made an effort to move some books from the small table, but he fumbled4 them and they slid from his trembling hands to the floor, where he let them lie in a heap. The servant heard him sigh dejectedly and then he said:
"I'm all in, Mike; I'm done for."
"Oh no, sir!" Michael said, with emotion, as he put the tray on the table and proceeded to gather up the books. "You feel bad, I know, sir, but it will wear off by to-morrow."
A low groan5 escaped the young man's lips. "No, it is too late now, Mike. Give me a cup of coffee, please—strong and hot. Oh, Mike, you can't imagine how I feel. Mike, I am at the end of my rope. I am the greatest failure in Boston. My old college friends shun6 me. Ladies I used to know drop their eyes when I pass, as if they are afraid of me. The other day I insulted one by staring in her face, not conscious of what I was doing. Her brother resented it yesterday in a café before several people. He struck me—I struck him. We went to the police court. I was fined, and scolded like a dirty street loafer."
"Here is your coffee, sir," Michael said, sympathetically. "Drink it right down, sir. You are nervous again."
Charles obeyed, as a child might. "Thank you. You are too good to me, Mike," he said, returning the empty cup and beginning to stride back and forth7 again. The butler was about to leave, but he stopped him. "Don't go yet," he pleaded. "Oh, I must talk to somebody—I must get it out. It is killing8 me. I've been awake here since three o'clock. I can't sleep. Yesterday they turned me out of my club. I'm no longer a member. I am the only man who has ever been expelled. I've been a gambler, Mike. I've been everything except dishonest. I'm rotten. I don't blame the club. I deserved it long ago. I ought to have had the common decency9 to send in my resignation."
"You need money, I'm sure," Michael broke in, "and I owe you five hundred dollars. I've been hoping—"
"Don't mention that," Charles broke in. "I'm glad I lent it to you. If I'd had it it would have been thrown away, and, as it was, it helped your mother, you say. No, no, never bring it up again. Let it go."
"I'll never let it go," the servant gulped10. "I'll pay that debt if I work my fingers to the bone to do it. Everybody else refused to let me have it; even your brother didn't have it to spare. My oldest and best friends turned me down."
"Cut it out! cut it out!" Charles frowned. "Give me another cup of coffee. Yes, I thought it all out here this morning, Mike. I am imposing11 on William. They keep me at the bank only on his account. He used to protest against the way I am acting12, but he has given me up—actually given me up."
"I've heard him say you did a lot of work," objected the servant. "Don't underrate yourself. It isn't right."
"Oh yes! I work when I am at it," Charles admitted. "Remorse13 is a great force at times, but it is the other thing, Mike. The damnable habit gets hold of me. For hours, days, and weeks I fight against it. I've even prayed for release, but to no purpose. Last night I was consorting14 with the lowest of the low. I had the money and they had the rags, the dirt, and the thirst. A friend found me and brought me home, or God only knows where I would have been by this time. They say it is in my blood; two grandfathers fell under it—one killed himself. Yes, I've decided15—at last I've decided."
"Decided what, sir?" anxiously questioned Michael, as he took the empty cup and placed it on the tray.
"I've decided to be man enough to leave Boston forever. I shall not inflict16 myself longer on William and his wife and that angel child. Listen to me, Mike. There is such a thing as a conscience, and at times it burns in a man like the fires of hell itself. Do you know—you must know it, though—I practically killed my mother? She used to spend night after night awake on my account. Worry over me actually broke her down. She was always awake when I was out like I was last night. Mike, I was drunk the day she was buried—too drunk to go to the service. Yes, I am going to leave Boston before I am discharged from the bank, and I shall go away never to return. I want to—to blot17 my name from the memories of all living men. I am a drunkard and I may as well live like one. I am a disgrace to every one of my family. Uncle James, when he was here last, told me that he had cut me out of his will and was praying for my death. Great God! I was drinking at the time and I told him I didn't want his money, and I don't, Mike, for I am unworthy of it. He is a harsh old Puritan, but he is nearer right than I am or ever can be. Yes, don't be surprised if you miss me some day. This cannot go on."
"Surely—surely you can't be in earnest, sir—"
"Oh yes, I am. Mike, do you believe in dreams—in visions, or anything of that sort?"
"I think I do, sir—to some extent, at least. Have I never told you? Well, when I was trying to get the money for my mother, and was so miserable18 about it, I went to bed one night and prayed to the Lord to help me, and do you know, sir, I dreamed that a young girl all dressed in pure white, and shining all over with light, came and handed me the money. And it seemed to come true, for you gave me the money at breakfast the very next morning. Do you have dreams, sir?"
"Always, always, Mike. I am always dreaming that I am alone among strangers, away from kindred and friends, but always happy and care-free. I can't describe the feeling; it is wonderful! I know what I want to say, but I can't express it. Say, Mike, William is a good old chap. You may not believe it, but I love him. He has other troubles besides me. I don't know what they are—financial, I think. He never speaks to me of his ventures. In fact, I think he tries to keep me from knowing about them. I find him at the bank late in the night, sometimes. Yes, he is all right, Mike. I would have been kicked out of my job long ago but for him. Yes, Mike, I'll turn up missing one of these days. I've had enough."
"You'll feel differently by to-morrow, sir," the servant said, gently. "You are nervous and upset now, as you always are after—"
"After making a hog19 of myself," Charles said. "No, I'll not feel better, Mike. It is my very soul that is disgusted. I know that I'll never change, and I shall not inflict myself on my family any longer. Don't speak of this, Mike—it is just between you and me. Oh, they will be glad that I've left! Ruth will miss me for a little while, maybe, for the child seems to love me, but children soon forget, and I don't want her to grow up and know me as I really am. If I stay she will hear about me and blush with shame. Think of what a crime that would be, Mike—killing the ideals of a sweet, innocent child. Yes, I'm going, old man. It will be best all around. I'll be dead to everybody that has ever known me. I've lacked manhood up till now, Mike, but I'll use all I have left in trying to make restitution20. Obliteration—annihilation! that is the idea, and somehow a soothing21 one."
The kind-hearted servant was deeply moved and he turned his face toward the open window, through which the cries of the newsboys came from the streets below.
"Anything I can do for you before I go down?" he asked.
"Nothing, thank you," was the answer. "I shall stay here all day, Mike. I don't want to show myself in town. The news of my expulsion from the club will be known everywhere. I don't want to look in the faces of my old friends. Some of them have tried to save me. This will be the last straw. They will give me up now—yes, they will be bound to."
"You will be all right by to-morrow, sir," Michael said, huskily. "Lie down and sleep. You need it. You are shaking all over."
When the servant had left the room, closing the door behind him, Charles began to walk to and fro again. Presently he paused before the old mahogany bureau and stood hesitating for a moment. "I must—I must," he said. And opening a drawer, he took out a flask22 of whisky and, filling a glass, he drank. Then holding the flask between him and the light, he muttered, "Oh, you yellow demon23 of hell, see what you have done for one spineless creature!"
Restoring the flask to the drawer, he sat down in an easy-chair, put his hands over his face and remained still for a long time.
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收听单词发音
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1
ascended
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| v.上升，攀登( ascend的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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muffling
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| v.压抑，捂住( muffle的现在分词 )；用厚厚的衣帽包着（自己） | |
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3
nervously
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| adv.神情激动地，不安地 | |
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4
fumbled
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| （笨拙地）摸索或处理（某事物）( fumble的过去式和过去分词 )； 乱摸，笨拙地弄； 使落下 | |
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5
groan
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| vi./n.呻吟，抱怨；(发出)呻吟般的声音 | |
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6
shun
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| vt.避开，回避，避免 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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killing
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| n.巨额利润；突然赚大钱，发大财 | |
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decency
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| n.体面，得体，合宜，正派，庄重 | |
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10
gulped
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| v.狼吞虎咽地吃，吞咽( gulp的过去式和过去分词 )；大口地吸（气）；哽住 | |
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11
imposing
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| adj.使人难忘的，壮丽的，堂皇的，雄伟的 | |
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12
acting
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| n.演戏，行为，假装；adj.代理的，临时的，演出用的 | |
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13
remorse
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| n.痛恨，悔恨，自责 | |
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14
consorting
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| v.结伴( consort的现在分词 )；交往；相称；调和 | |
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15
decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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16
inflict
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| vt.(on)把…强加给，使遭受，使承担 | |
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blot
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| vt.弄脏（用吸墨纸）吸干；n.污点，污渍 | |
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18
miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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19
hog
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| n.猪；馋嘴贪吃的人；vt.把…占为己有，独占 | |
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20
restitution
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| n.赔偿；恢复原状 | |
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21
soothing
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| adj.慰藉的；使人宽心的；镇静的 | |
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22
flask
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| n.瓶，火药筒，砂箱 | |
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23
demon
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| n.魔鬼，恶魔 | |
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