WHEN he returned she was dressed as usual.
"Now could I get out without anybody seeing me?" she asked. "The town is not yet astir."
"But you have had no breakfast."
"Oh, I don't want any! I fear I ought not to have run away from that school! Things seem so different in the cold light of morning, don't they? What Mr. Phillotson will say I don't know! It was quite by his wish that I went there. He is the only man in the world for whom I have any respect or fear. I hope he'll forgive me; but he'll scold me dreadfully, I expect!"
"I'll go to him and explain--" began Jude.
"Oh no, you shan't. I don't care for him! He may think what he likes-- I shall do just as I choose!"
"But you just this moment said----"
"Well, if I did, I shall do as I like for all him! I have thought of what I shall do--go to the sister of one of my fellow-students in the training-school, who has asked me to visit her. She has a school near Shaston, about eighteen miles from here-- and I shall stay there till this has blown over, and I get back to the training-school again."
At the last moment he persuaded her to let him make her a cup of coffee, in a portable apparatus1 he kept in his room for use on rising to go to his work every day before the household was astir.
"Now a dew-bit to eat with it," he said; "and off we go. You can have a regular breakfast when you get there."
They went quietly out of the house, Jude accompanying her to the station. As they departed along the street a head was thrust out of an upper window of his lodging2 and quickly withdrawn3. Sue still seemed sorry for her rashness, and to wish she had not rebelled; telling him at parting that she would let him know as soon as she got re-admitted to the training-school. They stood rather miserably4 together on the platform; and it was apparent that he wanted to say more.
"I want to tell you something--two things," he said hurriedly as the train came up. "One is a warm one, the other a cold one!"
"Jude," she said. "I know one of them. And you mustn't!"
"What?"
"You mustn't love me. You are to like me--that's all!"
Jude's face became so full of complicated glooms that hers was agitated5 in sympathy as she bade him adieu through the carriage window. And then the train moved on, and waving her pretty hand to him she vanished away.
Melchester was a dismal6 place enough for Jude that Sunday of her departure, and the Close so hateful that he did not go once to the cathedral services. The next morning there came a letter from her, which, with her usual promptitude, she had written directly she had reached her friend's house. She told him of her safe arrival and comfortable quarters, and then added:--
What I really write about, dear Jude, is something I said to you at parting. You had been so very good and kind to me that when you were out of sight I felt what a cruel and ungrateful woman I was to say it, and it has reproached me ever since. IF YOU WANT TO LOVE ME, JUDE, YOU MAY: I don't mind at all; and I'll never say again that you mustn't!
Now I won't write any more about that. You do forgive your thoughtless friend for her cruelty? and won't make her miserable7 by saying you don't?--Ever, SUE.
It would be superfluous8 to say what his answer was; and how he thought what he would have done had he been free, which should have rendered a long residence with a female friend quite unnecessary for Sue. He felt he might have been pretty sure of his own victory if it had come to a conflict between Phillotson and himself for the possession of her.
Yet Jude was in danger of attaching more meaning to Sue's impulsive9 note than it really was intended to bear.
After the lapse10 of a few days he found himself hoping that she would write again. But he received no further communication; and in the intensity11 of his solicitude12 he sent another note, suggesting that he should pay her a visit some Sunday, the distance being under eighteen miles.
He expected a reply on the second morning after despatching his missive; but none came. The third morning arrived; the postman did not stop. This was Saturday, and in a feverish13 state of anxiety about her he sent off three brief lines stating that he was coming the following day, for he felt sure something had happened.
His first and natural thought had been that she was ill from her immersion14; but it soon occurred to him that somebody would have written for her in such a case. Conjectures15 were put an end to by his arrival at the village school-house near Shaston on the bright morning of Sunday, between eleven and twelve o'clock, when the parish was as vacant as a desert, most of the inhabitants having gathered inside the church, whence their voices could occasionally be heard in unison16.
A little girl opened the door. "Miss Bridehead is up-stairs," she said. "And will you please walk up to her?"
"Is she ill?" asked Jude hastily.
"Only a little--not very."
Jude entered and ascended17. On reaching the landing a voice told him which way to turn--the voice of Sue calling his name. He passed the doorway18, and found her lying in a little bed in a room a dozen feet square.
"Oh, Sue!" he cried, sitting down beside her and taking her hand. "How is this! You couldn't write?"
"No--it wasn't that!" she answered. "I did catch a bad cold-- but I could have written. Only I wouldn't!"
"Why not?--frightening me like this!"
"Yes--that was what I was afraid of! But I had decided19 not to write to you any more. They won't have me back at the school--that's why I couldn't write. Not the fact, but the reason!"
"Well?"
"They not only won't have me, but they gave me a parting piece of advice----"
"What?"
She did not answer directly. "I vowed20 I never would tell you, Jude--it is so vulgar and distressing22!"
"Is it about us?"
"Yes."
"But do tell me!"
"Well--somebody has sent them baseless reports about us, and they say you and I ought to marry as soon as possible, for the sake of my reputation! ... There--now I have told you, and I wish I hadn't!"
"Oh, poor Sue!"
"I don't think of you like that means! It did just OCCUR to me to regard you in the way they think I do, but I hadn't begun to. I HAVE recognized that the cousinship was merely nominal23, since we met as total strangers. But my marrying you, dear Jude--why, of course, if I had reckoned upon marrying you l shouldn't have come to you so often! And I never supposed you thought of such a thing as marrying me till the other evening; when I began to fancy you did love me a little. Perhaps I ought not to have been so intimate with you. It is all my fault. Everything is my fault always!"
The speech seemed a little forced and unreal, and they regarded each other with a mutual24 distress21.
"I was so blind at first!" she went on. "I didn't see what you felt at all. Oh, you have been unkind to me--you have-- to look upon me as a sweetheart without saying a word, and leaving me to discover it myself! Your attitude to me has become known; and naturally they think we've been doing wrong! I'll never trust you again!"
"Yes, Sue," he said simply; "I am to blame--more than you think. I was quite aware that you did not suspect till within the last meeting or two what I was feeling about you. I admit that our meeting as strangers prevented a sense of relationship, and that it was a sort of subterfuge25 to avail myself of it. But don't you think l deserve a little consideration for concealing26 my wrong, very wrong, sentiments, since I couldn't help having them?"
She turned her eyes doubtfully towards him, and then looked away as if afraid she might forgive him.
By every law of nature and sex a kiss was the only rejoinder that fitted the mood and the moment, under the suasion of which Sue's undemonstrative regard of him might not inconceivably have changed its temperature. Some men would have cast scruples27 to the winds, and ventured it, oblivious28 both of Sue's declaration of her neutral feelings, and of the pair of autographs in the vestry chest of Arabella's parish church. Jude did not. He had, in fact, come in part to tell his own fatal story. It was upon his lips; yet at the hour of this distress he could not disclose it. He preferred to dwell upon the recognized barriers between them.
"Of course--I know you don't--care about me in any particular way," he sorrowed. "You ought not, and you are right. You belong to-- Mr. Phillotson. I suppose he has been to see you?"
"Yes," she said shortly, her face changing a little. "Though I didn't ask him to come. You are glad, of course, that he has been! But I shouldn't care if he didn't come any more!"
It was very perplexing to her lover that she should be piqued29 at his honest acquiescence30 in his rival, if Jude's feelings of love were deprecated by her. He went on to something else.
"This will blow over, dear Sue," he said. "The training-school authorities are not all the world. You can get to be a student in some other, no doubt."
"I'll ask Mr. Phillotson," she said decisively.
Sue's kind hostess now returned from church, and there was no more intimate conversation. Jude left in the afternoon, hopelessly unhappy. But he had seen her, and sat with her. Such intercourse31 as that would have to content him for the remainder of his life. The lesson of renunciation it was necessary and proper that he, as a parish priest, should learn.
But the next morning when he awoke he felt rather vexed32 with her, and decided that she was rather unreasonable33, not to say capricious. Then, in illustration of what he had begun to discern as one of her redeeming34 characteristics there came promptly35 a note, which she must have written almost immediately he had gone from her:
Forgive me for my petulance36 yesterday! I was horrid37 to you; I know it, and I feel perfectly38 miserable at my horridness39. It was so dear of you not to be angry! Jude please still keep me as your friend and associate, with all my faults. I'll try not to be like it again.
I am coming to Melchester on Saturday, to get my things away from the T.S., &c. I could walk with you for half an hour, if you would like?--Your repentant40 SUE.
Jude forgave her straightway, and asked her to call for him at the cathedral works when she came.
他回到屋里时候，她已经像平常一样穿戴好了。
“要是我这会儿出去，不会有人看见吧？”她问道。“街上还没什么人哪。”
“可是你还没吃早饭呢。”
“哎，我什么也不想吃。我现在后悔那会儿不该从学校跑出来。在清晨的寒光里再一琢磨，就觉着事情完全不对头了，不是那么回事吗？我还不知道费乐生先生怎么说呢！我是按他的意思上那个学校的，世界上就他这个人，我还有那么点敬重，或者说有点怕。但愿他能原谅我，不过我倒盼着他把我大骂一顿呢。”
“我去跟他解释解释就是了——”裘德开始说。
“哎，你别去，千万别去。他怎么样，我根本不在乎！他爱怎么想就怎么想——我想怎么干就怎么于！”
“可你刚才不是说——”
“哎，就算我说了，反正随他怎么着，我还是照我的意思办！我考虑过怎么办啦——进修学校我有个同学，她姐姐邀过我到她那儿玩，我就上她家里去。她在沙氏顿管一所小学。离这儿大概十八英里，我要在那儿待到这阵风过去，再回进修学校。”
她临走前，他好容易才劝住她，等他先给她煮杯咖啡，他屋里有一套简便的煮咖啡的器具，平时房子里早晨别人还没动静的时候，他就先煮了咖啡，喝完了去上班。
“还有点东西，你一边喝，一边就着吃吧。”他说。“喝完了咱们就走。你到了那儿，就可以正儿八经吃顿早饭啦。”
他们不做声不做气地溜出那个房子，裘德陪着她上火车站。他们刚沿街往前走，从他屋子上边一扇窗户就伸出个脑袋，很快又缩回去了。苏似乎还在为自己行事操切而后悔，但愿起先前没违抗校方的决定。分手时候，她对他说，校方一允许她回校，她就马上告诉他。他们一块儿站在月台上，心里都很不好受。裘德那样子好像还有话要说。
“我想跟你说点事——两件事，”火车开过来的时候，他急急忙忙说，“一件热乎乎，一件冷冰冰。”
“裘德，”她说，“有一件我知道。你可不许那样！”
“什么呀？”
“不许你爱我。你以后只要喜欢我就行啦——这就够啦！”
裘德一时愁云满面，苦恼万状的样子，而她在车窗后面向他表示再见的时候，因为对他同情，似乎也露出来心乱如麻。火车紧跟着开走了，她一边用很美的手向他招呼，一边随着车行缓缓离去。
礼拜天她一走，裘德就觉着麦尔切斯特这地方沉闷无聊，大教堂界园显得那么可憎，他索性不到大教堂做礼拜。第二天早晨她的信就到了，照她平常说话做事的利索劲儿，这封信准是她一到朋友家就立刻动笔的。她告诉他一路平安，住处舒适，接下去说：
亲爱的裘德，我真心想写出的是分手时我对你说的话。你对我一向好心好意，平和宽容，所以一看不到你，我就觉着我说了那样的话，该是个多么冷酷无情、忘恩负义的女人啊；从今以后，我都要为那句话受谴责。如果你想爱我，就爱吧；我绝对不嫌弃，我决不会再说不许你这样的话！
这件事，我就不多写了。你真会原谅你这个没心没肺的朋友的冷酷无情吗？你不会说不行叫她伤心吧？——永久的
苏
他究竟怎么回的信；他怎么寻思着，如果他是个自由身，无牵挂，苏就完全不必以女友身份长期住在他那儿，那他又该怎么办——这种种在此不需细表。他觉得万一在他和费乐生之间兴起苏将谁属之争，他颇有把握可操胜券。
然而裘德对苏这一时冲动之下写的短信加上了比它的实际意思更深的含义，而这对他自己未免危险。
又过了几天，他发现自己十分希望她再有信来。但是他没收到她那边继续传来的音讯。他在强烈的孤独感中，又给她写了信，表示他有意找个礼拜天去看望她，好在路程不足十八英里。他发信后盼望第二天早晨就有回音，但是没有。第三天早晨到了，信差没在他门前止步。那天是礼拜六，他急得像热锅上蚂蚁，忙不迭地写了三行就寄走了，说他行将于次日到达。他这样做是因为他确实感到事情不妙。
他头一个，也是极其自然的想法是，她因为蹚水，身上弄湿了，因此生了病，不过他很快又想到，果真如此，也可以托人写信嘛。及至他在礼拜天早上到达沙氏顿附近乡村小学的校舍，种种无端猜测才告一段落。当时那个教区空荡荡的犹如沙漠一般，大多数村民聚集在教堂里边，间或听得见那儿发出来的齐声唱诵的声音。
一个小姑娘开了门。“柏瑞和小姐在楼上。”她说。“请你上楼见她。”
“她病啦？”他仓促地问了一句。
“有一点——不厉害。”
裘德进门之后跟着上了楼。他走到楼梯平台，就听见叫他往哪边走的声音——原来苏喊他的名字哪。他走过过道，就看见在那间大约十二平方英尺的屋里，苏躺在一张小床上，
“哦，苏呀！”他大声说，一边在她旁边坐下来，拉起她的手，“怎么回事呀？你连信都写不了啦？”
“不是——才不是那样哪！”她答道。“我确实得了重感冒，不过信还是能写。我是不想写！”
“干吗不想写——把我吓成了这个样儿！”
“是呀——我所怕的就是这个！不过我已经决定再也不给你写信啦。她们不许我回学校——就为这个，才没法给你写信。倒不是为这件事本身什么的，而是她们提出来的理由！”
“什么理由？”
“她们不单不许我回学校，还夹来一张退学意见——”
“什么意见。”
她没直接回答。“我起过誓，决不告诉你，裘德——这东西太下作、太气人啦！”
“是说咱们的事吧？”
“对啦。”
“那你一定得告诉我！”
“好吧——不知道什么人造谣生事，给她们上了个关于咱们的报告，她们就说，为我的名声起见，我得马上结婚！……哪——我这不是说了吗，我但愿没说才好呢！”
“哎，可怜的苏呀！”
“我直到这会儿也还没想到按那么个意思看待你。我刚才的确想了一下子，就照她们的意思看待你吧，可我没开始那么办。我已经明白过来了，所谓表亲云云不过说说好听而已，咱们初见面时本来就素昧平生。但是我嫁给你这宗事儿，亲爱的裘德呀——哈，该这么说吧，我要是已经存心嫁给你，我又何必那么频频不断往你那儿跑来跑去呢！那个晚上之前，我压根儿没想到你有娶我的意思，直到那会儿，我才开始估摸着你是有那么点爱我的样子。也许我跟你两下里不该过从那么亲密吧。这全是我的错。反正不管什么，全是我的错就是啦！”
她的话说得不自然，也不像由衷之言，两个人你看我，我看你，都感到难过。
“我起初真是两眼黑糊糊！”她说下去。“我就没看出来你到底是怎么个感想。唉，你待我可忍心哪——你拿我当心上人，可你就是一个字不吐，还让我自个儿瞎摸是怎么回事！你对我的态度已经尽人皆知喽；她们认为咱们做了见不起人的事，那也是顺理成章呀！我是决不再信任你啦！”
“你说得不错，苏。”他简单地说。“这全怪我，——该怪我的还不止你说的这些呢。我心里完全清楚，直到上两回咱们见面，我心里对你怎么个感想，你没起过疑心。我承认咱们本来是素昧平生，说不上有什么表亲的感觉，表亲云云无非我利用它做个托词，方便自己。不过我是因为压不住非分越礼的感情，很非分越礼的感情，才不得不多方掩盖，我这点苦心难道你不想想也该得到你点体谅吗？”
她的眼光转过来对着他，满腹狐疑的样子；仿佛生怕自己原谅他，又把眼光掉开了。
按照自然界规律和两性间规律，此时此刻，此情此景，只要一吻就万事大吉了，苏既为这一吻具有的说服力所动，她对他那有心含而不露的相思大概不会出人意料地降低温度。有些男人就根本不管苏自称如何对男女之情毫无感觉，也不管阿拉贝拉那个教区的教堂法衣室大柜里存着的一对签名，这一切一切全不在话下，而是单刀直入，一吻了之。无奈裘德做不到。实际上，他这回来，一部分原因就是要谈自己一辈子翻不了身的那段经历。话已经到了嘴边上，可是在这样令人心痛的时刻，他还是难以一吐为快。他只好在他所深知的横在他们中间的障碍面前越趄不前。
“当然——我知道你并不——怎么特别关心我。”他幽幽地说。‘你当然无需这样，你做得完全对。你是费乐生先生的人。我想他已经上你这儿来过吧？”
“来过啦。”她简短地说了下，脸上的表情略有变化。“那可不是我自己请他来的。他来啦，你当然高兴了。以后他来不来，我都无所谓。”
如果说裘德对她的爱恋之心已为她拒之门外，她又何必因为他老老实实承认他的情敌的权利而愤愤不平。这就不免使她这位情人为之惶惑了。他接着说起别的事。
“这阵风是要过去的，亲爱的苏。”他说。“进修学校不等于整个世界。你还可以上别的学校，这是无可置疑的。”
“这我得问问费乐生先生。”她说得斩钉截铁的。
苏的和蔼的主人从教堂回来了，他们不好再说知心话。裘德下午离开苏住的地方，无法排解自己的烦恼。不过他总算见到她，跟她坐在一块儿。在他今后的岁月中，若能有如此来往，也足以使他心满意足了。况且他既立志要做教区牧师，那么修炼慎躬胜己之功既是必行之道，也是得宜之方。
但他第二天早晨醒来时，却感到对苏不满，姑且不说她负气使性，肯定她这人多少是强词夺理。不过她也有勇于认错的长处，他汗始想找出这样的例子来证明，恰好这时信到了，准是他刚走了一会儿她就写了的：
原谅我昨天对你的冒犯吧！你觉得我太可怕了，这我也知道，我对自己的可怕之处也深感难过。你对我那么亲切，一点没生我的气！裘德，不论我错了多少，望你始终把我当朋友，当同志。我今后当竭力避免重蹈覆辙。
我将于礼拜六去麦尔切斯特，到进修学校取回东西。如你愿意，我可有半小时同你散步，如何？——你的后悔的
苏
裘德立刻原谅了她，请她届时去大教堂工地找他。
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apparatus
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lodging
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withdrawn
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| vt.收回；使退出；vi.撤退，退出 | |
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miserably
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agitated
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dismal
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miserable
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superfluous
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impulsive
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lapse
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| n.过失，流逝，失效，抛弃信仰，间隔；vi.堕落，停止，失效，流逝；vt.使失效 | |
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intensity
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| n.强烈，剧烈；强度；烈度 | |
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solicitude
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| n.焦虑 | |
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feverish
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| adj.发烧的，狂热的，兴奋的 | |
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immersion
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| n.沉浸；专心 | |
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conjectures
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| 推测，猜想( conjecture的名词复数 ) | |
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unison
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| n.步调一致，行动一致 | |
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ascended
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| v.上升，攀登( ascend的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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doorway
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| n.门口，(喻)入门；门路，途径 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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vowed
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| 起誓，发誓（vow的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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distressing
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| a.使人痛苦的 | |
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nominal
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| adj.名义上的；(金额、租金)微不足道的 | |
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mutual
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| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
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subterfuge
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| n.诡计；藉口 | |
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concealing
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| v.隐藏，隐瞒，遮住( conceal的现在分词 ) | |
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scruples
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| n.良心上的不安( scruple的名词复数 )；顾虑，顾忌v.感到于心不安，有顾忌( scruple的第三人称单数 ) | |
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oblivious
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| adj.易忘的，遗忘的，忘却的，健忘的 | |
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piqued
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| v.伤害…的自尊心( pique的过去式和过去分词 )；激起（好奇心） | |
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acquiescence
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| n.默许；顺从 | |
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intercourse
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| n.性交；交流，交往，交际 | |
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vexed
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| adj.争论不休的；（指问题等）棘手的；争论不休的问题；烦恼的v.使烦恼( vex的过去式和过去分词 )；使苦恼；使生气；详细讨论 | |
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unreasonable
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| adj.不讲道理的，不合情理的，过度的 | |
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redeeming
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| 补偿的，弥补的 | |
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promptly
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| adv.及时地，敏捷地 | |
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petulance
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| n.发脾气，生气，易怒，暴躁，性急 | |
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horrid
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| adj.可怕的；令人惊恐的；恐怖的；极讨厌的 | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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horridness
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repentant
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| adj.对…感到悔恨的 | |
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