SUE'S distressful2 confession3 recurred4 to Jude's mind all the night as being a sorrow indeed.
The morning after, when it was time for her to go, the neighbours saw her companion and herself disappearing on foot down the hill path which led into the lonely road to Alfredston. An hour passed before he returned along the same route, and in his face there was a look of exaltation not unmixed with recklessness. An incident had occurred.
They had stood parting in the silent highway, and their tense and passionate5 moods had led to bewildered inquiries6 of each other on how far their intimacy7 ought to go; till they had almost quarrelled, and she said tearfully that it was hardly proper of him as a parson in embryo8 to think of such a thing as kissing her even in farewell as he now wished to do. Then she had conceded that the fact of the kiss would be nothing: all would depend upon the spirit of it. If given in the spirit of a cousin and a friend she saw no objection: if in the spirit of a lover she could not permit it. "Will you swear that it will not be in that spirit?" she had said.
No: he would not. And then they had turned from each other in estrangement9, and gone their several ways, till at a distance of twenty or thirty yards both had looked round simultaneously10. That look behind was fatal to the reserve hitherto more or less maintained. They had quickly run back, and met, and embracing most unpremeditatedly, kissed close and long. When they parted for good it was with flushed cheeks on her side, and a beating heart on his.
The kiss was a turning-point in Jude's career. Back again in the cottage, and left to reflection, he saw one thing: that though his kiss of that aerial being had seemed the purest moment of his faultful life, as long as he nourished this unlicensed tenderness it was glaringly inconsistent for him to pursue the idea of becoming the soldier and servant of a religion in which sexual love was regarded as at its best a frailty11, and at its worst damnation. What Sue had said in warmth was really the cold truth. When to defend his affection tooth and nail, to persist with headlong force in impassioned attentions to her, was all he thought of, he was condemned12 IPSO FACTO as a professor of the accepted school of morals. He was as unfit, obviously, by nature, as he had been by social position, to fill the part of a propounder13 of accredited14 dogma.
Strange that his first aspiration--towards academical proficiency-- had been checked by a woman, and that his second aspiration-- towards apostleship--had also been checked by a woman. "Is it," he said, "that the women are to blame; or is it the artificial system of things, under which the normal sex-impulses are turned into devilish domestic gins and springs to noose15 and hold back those who want to progress?"
It had been his standing16 desire to become a prophet, however humble17, to his struggling fellow-creatures, without any thought of personal gain. Yet with a wife living away from him with another husband, and himself in love erratically18, the loved one's revolt against her state being possibly on his account, he had sunk to be barely respectable according to regulation views.
It was not for him to consider further: he had only to confront the obvious, which was that he had made himself quite an impostor as a law-abiding religious teacher.
At dusk that evening he went into the garden and dug a shallow hole, to which he brought out all the theological and ethical20 works that he possessed21, and had stored here. He knew that, in this country of true believers, most of them were not saleable at a much higher price than waste-paper value, and preferred to get rid of them in his own way, even if he should sacrifice a little money to the sentiment of thus destroying them. Lighting22 some loose pamphlets to begin with, he cut the volumes into pieces as well as he could, and with a three-pronged fork shook them over the flames. They kindled23, and lighted up the back of the house, the pigsty24, and his own face, till they were more or less consumed.
Though he was almost a stranger here now, passing cottagers talked to him over the garden hedge.
"Burning up your awld aunt's rubbidge, I suppose? Ay; a lot gets heaped up in nooks and corners when you've lived eighty years in one house."
It was nearly one o'clock in the morning before the leaves, covers, and binding26 of Jeremy Taylor, Butler, Doddridge, Paley, Pusey, Newman and the rest had gone to ashes, but the night was quiet, and as he turned and turned the paper shreds27 with the fork, the sense of being no longer a hypocrite to himself afforded his mind a relief which gave him calm. He might go on believing as before, but he professed28 nothing, and no longer owned and exhibited engines of faith which, as their proprietor29, he might naturally be supposed to exercise on himself first of all. In his passion for Sue he could not stand as an ordinary sinner, and not as a whited sepulchre.
Meanwhile Sue, after parting from him earlier in the day, had gone along to the station, with tears in her eyes for having run back and let him kiss her. Jude ought not to have pretended that he was not a lover, and made her give way to an impulse to act unconventionally, if not wrongly. She was inclined to call it the latter; for Sue's logic19 was extraordinarily30 compounded, and seemed to maintain that before a thing was done it might be right to do, but that being done it became wrong; or, in other words, that things which were right in theory were wrong in practice.
"I have been too weak, I think!" she jerked out as she pranced31 on, shaking down tear-drops now and then. "It was burning, like a lover's--oh, it was! And I won't write to him any more, or at least for a long time, to impress him with my dignity! And I hope it will hurt him very much--expecting a letter to-morrow morning, and the next, and the next, and no letter coming. He'll suffer then with suspense--won't he, that's all!--and I am very glad of it!"--Tears of pity for Jude's approaching sufferings at her hands mingled32 with those which had surged up in pity for herself.
Then the slim little wife or a husband whose person was disagreeable to her, the ethereal, fine-nerved, sensitive girl, quite unfitted by temperament33 and instinct to fulfil the conditions of the matrimonial relation with Phillotson, possibly with scarce any man, walked fitfully along, and panted, and brought weariness into her eyes by gazing and worrying hopelessly.
Phillotson met her at the arrival station, and, seeing that she was troubled, thought it must be owing to the depressing effect of her aunt's death and funeral. He began telling her of his day's doings, and how his friend Gillingham, a neighbouring schoolmaster whom he had not seen for years, had called upon him. While ascending34 to the town, seated on the top of the omnibus beside him, she said suddenly and with an air of self-chastisement, regarding the white road and its bordering bushes of hazel:
"Richard--I let Mr. Fawley hold my hand a long while. I don't know whether you think it wrong?"
He, waking apparently35 from thoughts of far different mould, said vaguely36, "Oh, did you? What did you do that for?"
"I don't know. He wanted to, and I let him."
"I hope it pleased him. I should think it was hardly a novelty."
They lapsed37 into silence. Had this been a case in the court of an omniscient38 judge, he might have entered on his notes the curious fact that Sue had placed the minor39 for the major indiscretion, and had not said a word about the kiss.
After tea that evening Phillotson sat balancing the school registers. She remained in an unusually silent, tense, and restless condition, and at last, saying she was tired, went to bed early. When Phillotson arrived upstairs, weary with the drudgery40 of the attendance-numbers, it was a quarter to twelve o'clock. Entering their chamber41, which by day commanded a view of some thirty or forty miles over the Vale of Blackmoor, and even into Outer Wessex, he went to the window, and, pressing his face against the pane42, gazed with hard-breathing fixity into the mysterious darkness which now covered the far-reaching scene. He was musing43, "I think," he said at last, without turning his head, "that I must get the committee to change the school-stationer. All the copybooks are sent wrong this time."
There was no reply. Thinking Sue was dozing44 he went on:
"And there must be a rearrangement of that ventilator in the class-room. The wind blows down upon my head unmercifully and gives me the ear-ache."
As the silence seemed more absolute than ordinarily he turned round. The heavy, gloomy oak wainscot, which extended over the walls upstairs and down in the dilapidated "Old-Grove Place," and the massive chimney-piece reaching to the ceiling, stood in odd contrast to the new and shining brass45 bedstead, and the new suite46 of birch furniture that he had bought for her, the two styles seeming to nod to each other across three centuries upon the shaking floor.
"Soo!" he said (this being the way in which he pronounced her name).
She was not in the bed, though she had apparently been there-- the clothes on her side being flung back. Thinking she might have forgotten some kitchen detail and gone downstairs for a moment to see to it, he pulled off his coat and idled quietly enough for a few minutes, when, finding she did not come, he went out upon the landing, candle in hand, and said again "Soo!"
"Yes!" came back to him in her voice, from the distant kitchen quarter.
"What are you doing down there at midnight--tiring yourself out for nothing!"
"I am not sleepy; I am reading; and there is a larger fire here."
He went to bed. Some time in the night he awoke. She was not there, even now. Lighting a candle he hastily stepped out upon the landing, and again called her name.
She answered "Yes!" as before, but the tones were small and confined, and whence they came he could not at first understand. Under the staircase was a large clothes-closet, without a window; they seemed to come from it. The door was shut, but there was no lock or other fastening. Phillotson, alarmed, went towards it, wondering if she had suddenly become deranged47.
"What are you doing in there?" he asked.
"Not to disturb you I came here, as it was so late."
"But there's no bed, is there? And no ventilation! Why, you'll be suffocated48 if you stay all night!"
"Oh no, I think not. Don't trouble about me."
"But--" Phillotson seized the knob and pulled at the door. She had fastened it inside with a piece of string, which broke at his pull. There being no bedstead she had flung down some rugs and made a little nest for herself in the very cramped49 quarters the closet afforded.
When he looked in upon her she sprang out of her lair50, great-eyed and trembling.
"You ought not to have pulled open the door!" she cried excitedly. "It is not becoming in you! Oh, will you go away; please will you!"
She looked so pitiful and pleading in her white nightgown against the shadowy lumber-hole that he was quite worried. She continued to beseech51 him not to disturb her.
He said: "I've been kind to you, and given you every liberty; and it is monstrous52 that you should feel in this way!"
"Yes," said she, weeping. "I know that! It is wrong and wicked of me, I suppose! I am very sorry. But it is not I altogether that am to blame!"
"Who is then? Am l?"
"No--I don't know! The universe, I suppose--things in general, because they are so horrid53 and cruel!"
"Well, it is no use talking like that. Making a man's house so unseemly at this time o' night! Eliza will hear if we don't mind." (He meant the servant.) "Just think if either of the parsons in this town was to see us now! I hate such eccentricities54, Sue. There's no order or regularity55 in your sentiments! ... But I won't intrude56 on you further; only I would advise you not to shut the door too tight, or I shall find you stifled57 to-morrow."
On rising the next morning he immediately looked into the closet, but Sue had already gone downstairs. There was a little nest where she had lain, and spiders' webs hung overhead. "What must a woman's aversion be when it is stronger than her fear of spiders!" he said bitterly.
He found her sitting at the breakfast-table, and the meal began almost in silence, the burghers walking past upon the pavement-- or rather roadway, pavements being scarce here--which was two or three feet above the level of the parlour floor. They nodded down to the happy couple their morning greetings, as they went on.
"Richard," she said all at once; "would you mind my living away from you?"
"Away from me? Why, that's what you were doing when I married you. What then was the meaning of marrying at all?"
"You wouldn't like me any the better for telling you."
"I don't object to know."
"Because I thought I could do nothing else. You had got my promise a long time before that, remember. Then, as time went on, I regretted I had promised you, and was trying to see an honourable58 way to break it off. But as I couldn't I became rather reckless and careless about the conventions. Then you know what scandals were spread, and how I was turned out of the training school you had taken such time and trouble to prepare me for and get me into; and this frightened me and it seemed then that the one thing I could do would be to let the engagement stand. Of course I, of all people, ought not to have cared what was said, for it was just what I fancied I never did care for. But I was a coward-- as so many women are--and my theoretic unconventionality broke down. If that had not entered into the case it would have been better to have hurt your feelings once for all then, than to marry you and hurt them all my life after.... And you were so generous in never giving credit for a moment to the rumour59."
"I am bound in honesty to tell you that I weighed its probability and inquired of your cousin about it."
"Ah!" she said with pained surprise.
"I didn't doubt you."
"But you inquired!"
"I took his word."
Her eyes had filled. "HE wouldn't have inquired!" she said. "But you haven't answered me. Will you let me go away? I know how irregular it is of me to ask it----"
"It is irregular."
"But I do ask it! Domestic laws should be made according to temperaments60, which should be classified. If people are at all peculiar61 in character they have to suffer from the very rules that produce comfort in others! ... Will you let me?"
"But we married"
"What is the use of thinking of laws and ordinances," she burst out, "if they make you miserable62 when you know you are committing no sin?"
"But you are committing a sin in not liking63 me."
"I DO like you! But I didn't reflect it would be--that it would be so much more than that.... For a man and woman to live on intimate terms when one feels as I do is adultery, in any circumstances, however legal. There--I've said it! ... Will you let me, Richard?"
"You distress1 me, Susanna, by such importunity64!"
"Why can't we agree to free each other? We made the compact, and surely we can cancel it--not legally of course; but we can morally, especially as no new interests, in the shape of children, have arisen to be looked after. Then we might be friends, and meet without pain to either. Oh Richard, be my friend and have pity! We shall both be dead in a few years, and then what will it matter to anybody that you relieved me from constraint65 for a little while? I daresay you think me eccentric, or super-sensitive, or something absurd. Well--why should I suffer for what I was born to be, if it doesn't hurt other people?"
"But it does--it hurts me! And you vowed67 to love me."
"Yes--that's it! I am in the wrong. I always am! It is as culpable68 to bind25 yourself to love always as to believe a creed69 always, and as silly as to vow66 always to like a particular food or drink!"
"And do you mean, by living away from me, living by yourself?"
"Well, if you insisted, yes. But I meant living with Jude."
"As his wife?"
"As I choose."
Sue continued: "She, or he, 'who lets the world, or his own portion of it, choose his plan of life for him, has no need of any other faculty71 than the apelike one of imitation.' J. S. Mill's words, those are. I have been reading it up. Why can't you act upon them? I wish to, always."
"What do I care about J. S. Mill!" moaned he. "I only want to lead a quiet life! Do you mind my saying that I have guessed what never once occurred to me before our marriage-- that you were in love, and are in love, with Jude Fawley!"
"You may go on guessing that I am, since you have begun. But do you suppose that if I had been I should have asked you to let me go and live with him?"
The ringing of the school bell saved Phillotson from the necessity of replying at present to what apparently did not strike him as being such a convincing ARGUMENTUM AD VERECUNDIAM as she, in her loss of courage at the last moment, meant it to appear. She was beginning to be so puzzling and unstateable that he was ready to throw in with her other little peculiarities72 the extremest request which a wife could make.
They proceeded to the schools that morning as usual, Sue entering the class-room, where he could see the back of her head through the glass partition whenever he turned his eyes that way. As he went on giving and hearing lessons his forehead and eyebrows73 twitched74 from concentrated agitation75 of thought, till at length he tore a scrap76 from a sheet of scribbling77 paper and wrote:
Your request prevents my attending to work at all. I don't know what I am doing! Was it seriously made?
He folded the piece of paper very small, and gave it to a little boy to take to Sue. The child toddled78 off into the class-room. Phillotson saw his wife turn and take the note, and the bend of her pretty head as she read it, her lips slightly crisped, to prevent undue79 expression under fire of so many young eyes. He could not see her hands, but she changed her position, and soon the child returned, bringing nothing in reply. In a few minutes, however, one of Sue's class appeared, with a little note similar to his own. These words only were pencilled therein:
I am sincerely sorry to say that it was seriously made.
Phillotson looked more disturbed than before, and the meeting-place of his brows twitched again. In ten minutes he called up the child he had just sent to her, and dispatched another missive:
God knows I don't want to thwart80 you in any reasonable way. My whole thought is to make you comfortable and happy. But I cannot agree to such a preposterous81 notion as your going to live with your lover. You would lose everybody's respect and regard; and so should I!
After an interval82 a similar part was enacted83 in the class-room, and an answer came:
I know you mean my good. But I don't want to be respectable! To produce "Human development in its richest diversity" (to quote your Humboldt) is to my mind far above respectability. No doubt my tastes are low--in your view--hopelessly low! If you won t let me go to him, will you grant me this one request-- allow me to live in your house in a separate way?
To this he returned no answer.
She wrote again:
I know what you think. But cannot you have pity on me? I beg you to; I implore84 you to be merciful! I would not ask if I were not almost compelled by what I can't bear! No poor woman has ever wished more than I that Eve had not fallen, so that (as the primitive85 Christians86 believed) some harmless mode of vegetation might have peopled Paradise. But I won't trifle! Be kind to me--even though I have not been kind to you! I will go away, go abroad, anywhere, and never trouble you.
Nearly an hour passed, and then he returned an answer:
I do not wish to pain you. How well you KNOW I don't! Give me a little time. I am disposed to agree to your last request.
One line from her:
Thank you from my heart, Richard. I do not deserve your kindness.
All day Phillotson bent87 a dazed regard upon her through the glazed88 partition; and he felt as lonely as when he had not known her.
But he was as good as his word, and consented to her living apart in the house. At first, when they met at meals, she had seemed more composed under the new arrangement; but the irksomeness of their position worked on her temperament, and the fibres of her nature seemed strained like harp-strings. She talked vaguely and indiscriminately to prevent his talking pertinently89.
苏的沉痛的自白成了他的一块心病，令他彻夜辗转不寐。
第二天清晨，苏按时动身，众邻居看到她和她的同伴顺着通到安静的大路的山间小道下了山，随后就看不见了。一个钟头之后，他按原路回来，面有喜色，还带着得意忘形的样子。肯定刚才出了什么大事。
他们先是在没有人来车往的大路上道别，他们的情绪紧张而又热切，相互别别扭扭地质问他们彼此的关系到底该接近到什么程度才算做得对，后来两下里几乎吵起来。她含着泪说，他眼下正计划当牧师，居然想要吻她，就算告别吧，也实在太不该。然后她退让了一下，说以接吻本身而论，无可厚非，全得看出自什么心理。要是以表亲和朋友的精神而吻，她没什么不愿意的；要是出自情人心理，她可不答应。“你能不能起个誓，你吻我不是情人心理！”
不行，他不能起誓。这样他们两个都气了，躲开对方，各走各的路；才走了二三十码，两个人同时转过身来看。这一看就把一直勉强维持的堤防冲破了。他们掉头飞奔，到了一块儿，想也没想就拥抱起来，长时间紧紧地吻着。分别的时候，她脸上飞红，他心里乱跳。
这一吻成了裘德一辈子生活的关捩。他回到小房子以后，一个人自思自量，终于看到：他对那位迎非尘寰中人那一吻虽然可以看成他阴错阳差的生活中最纯洁的一刻，但是只要他容许这种不合法律和教规的恋情发荣滋长，那就同他想当圣教的卫士和仆从的愿心明显地背道而驰，因为按教规，性爱，往最好里说，得算意志薄弱，往最坏里说，那就该下地狱了。苏在情绪激动时说的话确实是赤裸裸的真理啊。他要是不遗余力地去维护自己的恋情，不顾一切地要把对她倾心相许坚持下去，那么单就这样的事实来说，他身为宣讲世人公认的道德规范的人，就应该受到谴责。明摆着，他生就的本性，跟他的社会属性一样，根本不配去阐释颠扑不破的圣教的信条。
事情奇就奇在：他头一回立志苦学，以求博通百家，结果让一个女人拆了台；第二回立志成为使徒，以期弘扬圣教，结果又给女人拆了台。“这究竟该怪女人，”他说，“还是该怪人为的制度，它硬把正常性冲动变成万恶的家庭陷阱和绞链，谁想越雷池一步，就把他拴紧，勒住，别想动弹？”
他从前一心一意要为在挣扎中求生存的同类当一名宣扬上帝意旨的使徒，不论地位多么卑微，他也决不计较个人得失。然而一方面他原来的妻子舍他而去，同另一个丈夫过活，另一方面他又跟一个有夫之妇发生不正当的恋爱关系，而她又可能为他的缘故厌弃她现在的身份，所以无论接明文规定还是按约定俗成的观点看，他都觉得自己已经沉沦到不耻于人的地步。
他用不着考虑下一步怎么办。他先得面对眼前明显不过的事实：他这号称遵礼守法的教会宣讲师无非是个假名行骗之徒。
那天到了黄昏时分，他在菜园里挖了个浅坑，又把自己所有的神学和伦理学书抱来，堆到坑边上。他知道在这个由真正的信徒组成的国家里，大部分这类书不比废纸还值钱。他宁可按自己的办法把它们处理掉，哪怕损失点钱，心里还是觉着痛快。他先把活页小册子点着，再把大部头书撕成一叠叠的，然后用三股叉把它们在火里来回翻，书烧得发出火光，把房子后院、猪圈和他的脸都照亮，直亮到差不多烧干净为止。
他现在在这地方算是个外乡人。但是还是有过路的乡亲们隔着篱笆跟他说话。
“我看你这是烧你老姑婆的破烂吧；唉，要是在一所房子里头住上八十年，边边角角不堆满了破破烂烂才怪呢。”
还不到下夜一点钟，他就把杰洛米·泰勒、巴特勒、道特里治、帕莱、普赛、纽门和其他人的著作里里外外带封皮都烧成了灰。夜里静悄悄，他一边用三股叉把碎纸片翻来翻去，一边心里想他已经不再是假仁假义的伪君子了，这种解脱感使他的内心复归平静。他当然可以跟从前一样保持信仰，不过他再也不会去宣讲布道，再也不会自命虔诚，冒充权威，滔滔不绝地去教训别人。苏原来还当他这个以信仰权威自居的人会首先做到身体力行呢。既然他热恋着苏，他只能算是个普通罪人，不是个戴着假面具的欺世盗名者。
同时，苏那天早上跟他分手后，就直往车站去，一路上眼泪汪汪，因为她想着自己不该往回跑，让他吻，裘德不该装得不是个情人，以至于逼得她受一时冲动的支配，做了习俗不容许的事，哪怕这算不上错事也罢。她自己倒很想把这叫错事，因为苏的逻辑本是错乱颠倒，老像是觉着什么事没干的时候大概不错，一干了，就错了；换句话说，凡事理论上都是对的，一实践就错了。
“我看我实在太软弱啦！”她一边大步往前走，一边嘴里迸出这一句，时不时地甩甩眼泪。“他吻得那么热烈，跟情人吻一样啊！——唉，情人就那么吻呀！我以后再不给他写信啦，至少得过老长老长一段时间才写呢，要叫他了解了解我多尊贵！我希望就这样狠狠整他一顿——叫他明儿早上就盼信，后天还盼，大后天还盼，盼得没个完，就是没信来。他老悬着心，心里一定苦得很——他只好这样啦，就这样啦，我才高兴哪！”于是她又为可怜的裘德要受她的不断摆布而流下眼泪，她原来可怜自己就泪如泉涌，这一来两种眼泪汇而为一了。
这位娇小玲珑的妻子紧一阵慢一阵地望前走，气喘心跳，绝望地死盯着前面，苦恼不堪，弄得两眼失神。她是个超凡脱俗、心细如发、感觉锐敏的女儿家，脾气和本能都不适宜去履行同费乐生的婚姻关系，觉得他不如人意，可能也难得男人足以班配得了她。
费乐生到火车停靠的站接她，看她烦恼样儿，想准是因为她始婆去世和下葬弄得心情恶劣。他给她讲起每天干了什么，又说一位多年不见的名叫季令安的朋友，邻镇小学的教师，来看过他。她坐在公共马车顶层他身边，马车爬坡进镇的时候，她不断地看着发白的道路和路两侧的榛树丛，忽然带着问心有愧的神情说：
“里查——我让福来先生握了我的手，握了好半天。我也不知道你是不是觉着错了？”
他显然正在想完全不相干的事，听她一说才转过神来，含含糊糊说，“哦，是那样吗？你们干吗那样？”
“我不知道。他要握，我就让他握啦。”
“希望那叫他高兴吧。我看这不算什么新鲜事。”
他们没接着往下谈。如果一位明察秋毫的法官在法庭上审理这桩案子，大概会援笔在案件记录簿上记下这个不合情理的事实：苏是以细行不谨来代换大节有亏，因为她对裘德同她接吻这一点一字不提。
吃过晚饭，费乐生坐着查阅学生出席状况，苏还是平常少有的缄默、紧张、心神不定的样子。后来她说她乏了，要早点睡。费乐生上楼的时候，已经是十二点三刻了，他让枯燥无味的学生出、缺席数字搞得很累。进了卧室，他走到窗前，脸靠近玻璃。白天从那儿可以俯瞰布莱摩谷三十到四十英里以外的地方，连维塞克斯都可人望。他屏息伫立，凝望那覆盖从近到远的景色的神秘的黑夜。他不断地想事。“我认为，”他最后说，没回过头去，“我得叫校董会换家文具店。这回送来的作业本全错了。”
没有回答。他以为苏在打盹，就接着说：
“教室里的通风器得重装一下，它对着我的脑袋吹，毫不留情，把我的耳朵都吹疼了。”
因为屋里像是比她平常在家要静得多，他就转过身来。在年久失修的葛庐老宅里，楼上下都装着厚重、阴郁的橡木壁板，庞大的壁炉架直抵天花板，它们同他为她购置的铜床，成套新桦木家具，形成了古怪的对比，隔着三个世纪的两种风格好像在颤悠悠的地板上彼此点头。
“素！”他说（他平常这么喊她）。
她没在床上，不过她显然在床上呆过——她那边的被子什么的都掀开了。他以为她大概忘了厨房里什么小事，又下楼去查看一下。他自己就脱了外衣，安安静静歇了几分钟，后来他看她还没上来，就手持蜡烛，走到楼梯口，又喊了声“素！”。
“哎！”她的声音从厨房远远地传过来。
“你半夜里到下边干什么——犯不着没事找累受啊！”
“我不困。我看书呢，这儿火旺些。”
他睡下来。夜里不知什么时候醒了，一看到那时候她还不在，就点上蜡烛，急忙走出卧室，到了楼梯口，又喊她名字。
她跟前面一样回了一声“哎！”，不过声音又小又闷，他刚能听见，还弄不明白声音是从哪儿过来的呢。原来楼下的楼梯肚子是个放衣服杂物的储藏室，上面没开窗户，声音像是从那儿发出的。门关着，也没扣死。费乐生吓了一跳，就走过去，心里纳闷她是不是精神上犯了点病。
“你在那里头干什么？”他问。
“这么晚啦，我就到这儿来啦，省得打搅你。”
“可那儿不是没床吗？再说也不透气呀！你要是整夜呆在里头，要憋死呀！”
“哦，我看憋不死。你别为我烦心吧。”
“可是，”费乐生抓住门把手，要把门拉开。她本来在里边用根细绳把门拴住，这下子让他拉断了。里边没床，她在地上铺了几块地毯，在储藏室非常狭小的空间里给自己营造了一个小窝。
他往里一看她，她一下子蹦起来，眼睛睁得老大，身上直哆嗦。
“你不应该把门拉开！”她激动地大声说。“你怎么好这样！哦，你走，请你走吧！”
她穿着白睡衣，向他哀求，经阴暗的木头间一村，那样子真是楚楚可怜，他不禁心中非常懊恼。她继续央告他别打搅她。
“我一直对你很好，你爱怎么样就怎么样，你居然想起来这么个干法，真是大胡闹啦！”
“是啊，”她哭着说，“这我知道！我看这是我错了，是我坏！非常对不起。不过这也不好都怪我！”
“那怪谁？怪我？”
“不怪你——我也不知道！我想该怪天怪地吧——什么都得怪，因为它们太可怕。太残酷啦！”
“唉，说这个有什么用啊！深更半夜，把家里搅得这么乱糟糟，不成体统！咱们要是不注意，艾利沙就听见啦！”——他说的是女仆——“想想吧，万一这时候哪位牧师来看咱们，该怎么说啊！苏，你这么怪里怪气叫我讨厌。你这是乱来，太出格喽！……不过我也不想硬要你怎么样，还是劝你别把门关得太紧，要不然明天早上我就看见你闷过去啦。”
第二天早上，他一起来就立刻去看储藏室，但是苏已经在楼下了。那里边还留着她呆过的小窝，上面挂着蜘蛛网。“女人要是讨厌别人，可真够呛，连蜘蛛都不怕啦！”他没好气地说。
他看见她坐在早餐桌旁。他们开始吃早饭，简直无话可说。人行道上，镇上居民来来往往（或者应该说车行道，它比小客厅地面要高出两三英尺，因为那地方当时还没铺什么人行道），他们一边走一边向下面那对幸福的夫妇打招呼，问他们早安。
“里查，”她突然开口，“我要是不跟你一块儿过，你干不干？”
“不在一块儿过？怎么，我没娶你之前，你是那个样儿，要是不一块儿过，结婚还有什么意思？”
“我要是跟你说了，你肯定对我不高兴。”
“我倒想领教领教。”
“因为我当时别无选择。结婚之前老早我就答应了你的求婚，这你没忘吧。以后日子一长，我就后悔不该答应你，一直想找个体面的办法把这事了结。不过由于我做不到，我就变得什么习俗都不放眼里，更不往心里去。后来你知道丑闻传开了，我就让进修学校开除了。当初你那么费心费力，又费了时间才把我弄进去。那件事叫我怕死了，当时看来我唯一能做的事，就是把婚约保留下去。当然，我，尤其是我，根本不必管人家说三道四，可我是个胆小鬼——有那么多女人是胆小鬼——我什么不在乎陈规陋习云云那套空话全九霄云外去啦。要是当初没裹进那件事里头，我就一刀两断也倒好，虽说伤了你感情，反倒比后来跟你结了婚，我一辈子伤你感情，要好得多……你这人真是度量大，对那些谣言一点也没往心里去。”
“我这会儿得老老实实跟你说，当时我也考虑过那件事的可能情形，还追问过你的表亲。”
“哎呀。”她说，惊讶中有痛苦。
“我对你没怀疑！”
“可是你追问过啦！”
“他说的，我信。”
她眼泪涌上来了。“他可不会追问呀！”她说，“不过你没回答我。你让不让我走？我知道我这么问岂有此理——”
“就是岂有此理。”
“可我一定要问！关于家庭的法律该按禀性制定，禀性应该分类。人们性格上各具特点，有些人因为那些条条杠杠称心如意，另外一些人就遭了殃。……你让不让我走？”
“但是咱们是结了婚的——”
她发作起来：“要是你明知道你根本没什么罪过，可是那些法律和诏令把你弄得那么惨，什么法律和诏令，你还管它三七二十一吗？”
“不过你不喜欢我，你就是有罪过！”
“我可是喜欢你啊！不过我那时候没仔细想过，男人跟女人一块儿过，喜欢之外还有那么多事啊。可是万一有了我那样的感受，那就别管什么环境，也别管合法不合法，也成了通奸啦。哪——我说过啦！……你让不让我走，里查？”
“苏珊娜，你这么胡搅蛮缠，叫我太伤心啦！”
“咱们怎么就不能彼此放开手呢？咱们能订婚约，也一定可以取消它嘛——解铃还得要系铃人——当然这样未必跟法律合得上，可是合乎道德，尤其是还没像生儿育女那样子的新玩意儿要顾着。以后咱们还可以做朋友，见了面，谁也不觉着痛苦。再过几年，咱们就死了，那时候谁还管你当初把我从禁锢中放出过一会儿。我敢说你认为我瞎胡闹，神经出了毛病，想入非非什么的。啊——要是我生下来没害人，干吗我生下来就该受这份罪？”
“但是你生下来就害了我——害了我！再说你宣过誓你爱我！”
“不错，是这么回事！我这会儿就错在这儿。我老是错个没完！宣了誓，就把你捆住，非爱下去不可，这就跟宣了誓老得信一种信经一样，就跟稀里糊涂宣了誓老吃那样饭、老喝那样酒一样。”
“你这意思难道是说，离开我，一个人独立生活？”
“嗯，要是你一定要我这样，我从命。不过我的意思跟裘德一块儿过。”
“成他的老婆。”
“那得看我怎么定。”
费乐生痛苦得身子直抽。
苏接着说：“不论男的，还是女的，‘如果让世界或者他自己所属的那份世界，替他选定什么样生活计划，那么他不过像个类人猿依样画葫芦而已，谈不上还需要其他本事。’这是密尔说的。我一直把这些话奉为圭桌。你怎么就不能按这些话行事？我就是按他的话行事，永远按他的话行事。”
“我管它什么密尔不密尔！”他呻吟着，“我就想安安稳稳地过日子！要是你让我说的话，咱们结婚之前，我再也料不到，到这会儿才猜出来，你原来就跟裘德·福来恋爱，这会儿还是在跟他恋爱哪！”
“你爱怎么猜就怎么猜，往下猜好啦，反正你已经猜开头啦。可是你想过没有，要是我当初就跟他恋爱，我何必到这会儿求你让我走，跟他过？”
最后一刻，她失掉了勇气，只好背城惜一，抛出这个“令人信服的具有权威性”的论据，而他显然觉着这不在话下，但又非回答不可。幸好学校的钟响了，免了费乐生当场一答之苦。她开始表现得那样没有理性，那样恬不知耻，他倒真情愿把她以妻子身分提出的非分要求只看成她那些小小怪癖又添了一桩。
那天早晨，他们照常到学校。苏进教室后，他只要眼睛往那边一转，就可以透过玻璃隔扇瞧见她的后脑勺。讲课和听学生答问时，他因为心里乱成一团，脑门跟眉毛一抽一抽的。后来他还是从一张胡乱涂抹过的废纸上撕下一块，写道：
你的要求把我的课全搅乱了。我不知道自己在干什么！你是真心把那
当回事吗？
他把这块纸摺得小小的，交给一个小男孩送过去。孩子蹒跚地走出去，进了苏那边的教室。费乐生瞧见她妻子转过身来，接了条子，低下美丽的头看。她的嘴唇抿着，免得在孩子们那么多双眼睛紧紧逼视下露出不适当的表情。他看不见她的手，不过她变了个姿势。那孩子很快回来了，什么也没带回来，但是几分钟后，苏班上一个学生来了，带来跟他用的一样的小纸条，上面只用铅笔写了些字：
我诚恳表示对不起，不过要说我的确是真心如此。
费乐生显得心里比刚才还乱，眉心又一抽一抽的。十分钟后，他又叫原先那个孩子送去一纸短信：
上帝明鉴，我不想以任何合理方式对你作梗。我全部心思在于使你安适、快乐。但你欲与情人同居之想实属悖谬，我不便苟同。你势将为人所不齿，所唾弃，而我也难以幸免。
隔了会儿，那边教室的对方也重复了先前的动作，然后来了回音：
我知道你是为我好，但我无意求得他人尊敬。对我的内心世界来说，求得“人性多样性发展，异彩纷呈”（你所服膺的洪堡的话），远非去博得他人的称许可比。在你看来，我的趣味无疑是低下的，低下到了无可救药的程度！如你不许我到他那边去，可否同意我如下请求——允我在你府上分居单过？
他对此未予回答。
她又写来条子：
我知道你的想法，但你就不能可怜可怜我？我求你可怜可怜，我求你慈悲慈悲。我若不是让我受不了的情况逼得这样，我断不会向你要求。我这可怜的女人最最希望夏娃没有被逐出乐园，那样人类大概像原始基督徒所相信的，以完全无害的方式蕃衍后代，长住乐园。不过废话不必说了。请你善待我吧——即使我没有善待过你。我一定走，到国外，到任何地方，决不牵累你。
约一个钟头后，他才写了四条：
我不愿使你痛苦。你深知我不会那样！容我一点时间，考虑你最后的要求。
她写了一行：
里查，我由衷感谢你。你的好意，我愧不敢当。
费乐生整天都通过玻璃隔扇昏昏沉沉地望着她；他感到自己现在跟认识她以前一样孤独。
但是他说话算话，同意她在家里分居。起先他们在吃饭时见面，新的安排似使她较为安心了，但是他们处境的尴尬对她的脾气发生了影响，她天性中每根神经都像竖琴弦一样绷得紧紧的。她说起话来东拉西扯，不着边际，不让他谈问题。
收听单词发音 |
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distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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distressful
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| adj.苦难重重的，不幸的，使苦恼的 | |
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confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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recurred
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| 再发生，复发( recur的过去式和过去分词 )； 治愈 | |
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passionate
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，激昂的，易动情的，易怒的，性情暴躁的 | |
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inquiries
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| n.调查( inquiry的名词复数 )；疑问；探究；打听 | |
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intimacy
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| n.熟悉，亲密，密切关系，亲昵的言行 | |
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embryo
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| n.胚胎，萌芽的事物 | |
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estrangement
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| n.疏远，失和，不和 | |
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simultaneously
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| adv.同时发生地，同时进行地 | |
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frailty
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| n.脆弱；意志薄弱 | |
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condemned
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| adj. 被责难的, 被宣告有罪的 动词condemn的过去式和过去分词 | |
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propounder
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| n.提议者，建议者，[法] 提出遗嘱者 | |
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accredited
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| adj.可接受的；可信任的；公认的；质量合格的v.相信( accredit的过去式和过去分词 )；委托；委任；把…归结于 | |
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noose
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| n.绳套，绞索（刑）；v.用套索捉；使落入圈套；处以绞刑 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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erratically
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| adv.不规律地，不定地 | |
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logic
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| n.逻辑(学)；逻辑性 | |
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ethical
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| adj.伦理的，道德的，合乎道德的 | |
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possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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lighting
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| n.照明，光线的明暗，舞台灯光 | |
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kindled
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| （使某物）燃烧，着火( kindle的过去式和过去分词 )； 激起（感情等）； 发亮，放光 | |
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pigsty
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| n.猪圈，脏房间 | |
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bind
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| vt.捆，包扎；装订；约束；使凝固；vi.变硬 | |
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binding
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| 有约束力的，有效的，应遵守的 | |
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shreds
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| v.撕碎，切碎( shred的第三人称单数 )；用撕毁机撕毁（文件） | |
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professed
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| 公开声称的，伪称的，已立誓信教的 | |
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proprietor
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| n.所有人；业主；经营者 | |
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extraordinarily
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| adv.格外地；极端地 | |
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pranced
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| v.（马）腾跃( prance的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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mingled
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| 混合，混入( mingle的过去式和过去分词 )； 混进，与…交往[联系] | |
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temperament
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| n.气质，性格，性情 | |
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ascending
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| adj.上升的，向上的 | |
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apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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lapsed
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| adj.流失的，堕落的v.退步( lapse的过去式和过去分词 )；陷入；倒退；丧失 | |
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omniscient
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| adj.无所不知的；博识的 | |
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minor
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| adj.较小(少)的，较次要的；n.辅修学科；vi.辅修 | |
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drudgery
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| n.苦工，重活，单调乏味的工作 | |
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chamber
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| n.房间，寝室；会议厅；议院；会所 | |
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pane
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| n.窗格玻璃，长方块 | |
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musing
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| n. 沉思，冥想 adj. 沉思的, 冥想的 动词muse的现在分词形式 | |
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dozing
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| v.打瞌睡,假寐 n.瞌睡 | |
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brass
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| n.黄铜；黄铜器，铜管乐器 | |
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suite
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| n.一套(家具)；套房；随从人员 | |
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deranged
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| adj.疯狂的 | |
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suffocated
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| （使某人）窒息而死( suffocate的过去式和过去分词 )； （将某人）闷死； 让人感觉闷热； 憋气 | |
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cramped
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| a.狭窄的 | |
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lair
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| n.野兽的巢穴；躲藏处 | |
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beseech
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| v.祈求，恳求 | |
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monstrous
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| adj.巨大的；恐怖的；可耻的，丢脸的 | |
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horrid
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| adj.可怕的；令人惊恐的；恐怖的；极讨厌的 | |
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eccentricities
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| n.古怪行为( eccentricity的名词复数 )；反常；怪癖 | |
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regularity
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| n.规律性，规则性；匀称，整齐 | |
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intrude
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| vi.闯入；侵入；打扰，侵扰 | |
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stifled
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| （使）窒息， （使）窒闷( stifle的过去式和过去分词 )； 镇压，遏制； 堵 | |
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honourable
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| adj.可敬的；荣誉的，光荣的 | |
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rumour
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| n.谣言，谣传，传闻 | |
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temperaments
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| 性格( temperament的名词复数 )； （人或动物的）气质； 易冲动； （性情）暴躁 | |
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peculiar
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| adj.古怪的，异常的；特殊的，特有的 | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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liking
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| n.爱好；嗜好；喜欢 | |
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importunity
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| n.硬要，强求 | |
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constraint
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| n.(on)约束，限制；限制(或约束)性的事物 | |
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vow
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| n.誓(言)，誓约；v.起誓，立誓 | |
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vowed
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| 起誓，发誓（vow的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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culpable
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| adj.有罪的，该受谴责的 | |
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creed
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| n.信条；信念，纲领 | |
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writhed
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| （因极度痛苦而）扭动或翻滚( writhe的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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faculty
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| n.才能；学院，系；(学院或系的)全体教学人员 | |
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peculiarities
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| n. 特质, 特性, 怪癖, 古怪 | |
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eyebrows
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| 眉毛( eyebrow的名词复数 ) | |
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twitched
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| vt.& vi.（使）抽动，（使）颤动（twitch的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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agitation
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| n.搅动；搅拌；鼓动，煽动 | |
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scrap
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| n.碎片；废料；v.废弃，报废 | |
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scribbling
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| n.乱涂[写]胡[乱]写的文章[作品]v.潦草的书写( scribble的现在分词 )；乱画；草草地写；匆匆记下 | |
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toddled
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| v.（幼儿等）东倒西歪地走( toddle的过去式和过去分词 )；蹒跚行走；溜达；散步 | |
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undue
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| adj.过分的；不适当的；未到期的 | |
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thwart
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| v.阻挠，妨碍，反对；adj.横(断的) | |
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preposterous
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| adj.荒谬的，可笑的 | |
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82
interval
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| n.间隔，间距；幕间休息，中场休息 | |
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83
enacted
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| 制定（法律），通过（法案）( enact的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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84
implore
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| vt.乞求，恳求，哀求 | |
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85
primitive
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| adj.原始的；简单的；n.原(始)人，原始事物 | |
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Christians
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| n.基督教徒( Christian的名词复数 ) | |
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bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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glazed
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| adj.光滑的，像玻璃的；上过釉的；呆滞无神的v.装玻璃( glaze的过去式)；上釉于，上光；（目光）变得呆滞无神 | |
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pertinently
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| 适切地 | |
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