James was vastly relieved. His people's obvious delight, Mary's quiet happiness, were very grateful to him, and if he laughed at himself a little for feeling so virtuous1, he could not help thoroughly2 enjoying the pleasure he had given. He was willing to acknowledge now that his conscience had been uneasy after the rupture3 of his engagement: although he had assured himself so vehemently4 that reason was upon his side, the common disapproval5, and the influence of all his bringing-up, had affected6 him in his own despite.
"When shall we get married, Mary?" he asked, when the four of them were sitting together in the garden.
"Quickly!" cried Colonel Parsons.
"Well, shall we say in a month, or six weeks?"
"D'you think you'll be strong enough?" replied Mary, looking affectionately at him. And then, blushing a little: "I can get ready very soon."
The night before, she had gone home and taken out the trousseau which with tears had been put away. She smoothed out the things, unfolded them, and carefully folded them up. Never in her life had she possessed7 such dainty linen8. Mary cried a while with pleasure to think that she could begin again to collect her little store. No one knew what agony it had been to write to the shops at Tunbridge Wells countermanding9 her orders, and now she looked forward with quiet delight to buying all that remained to get.
Finally, it was decided10 that the wedding should take place at the beginning of October. Mrs. Parsons wrote to her brother, who answered that he had expected the event all along, being certain that his conversation with James would eventually bear fruit. He was happy to be able to congratulate himself on the issue of his diplomacy11; it was wonderful how easily all difficulties were settled, if one took them from the point of view of a man of the world. Mrs. Jackson likewise flattered herself that the renewed engagement was due to her intervention12.
"I saw he was paying attention to what I said," she told her husband. "I knew all he wanted was a good, straight talking to."
"I am sorry for poor Dryland," said the Vicar.
"Yes, I think we ought to do our best to console him. Don't you think he might go away for a month, Archibald?"
Mr. Dryland came to tea, and the Vicar's wife surrounded him with little attentions. She put an extra lump of sugar in his tea, and cut him even a larger piece of seed-cake than usual.
"Of course you've heard, Mr. Dryland?" she said, solemnly.
"Are you referring to Miss Clibborn's engagement to Captain Parsons?" he asked, with a gloomy face. "Bad news travels fast."
"You have all our sympathies. We did everything we could for you."
"I can't deny that it's a great blow to me. I confess I thought that time and patience on my part might induce Miss Clibborn to change her mind. But if she's happy, I cannot complain. I must bear my misfortune with resignation."
"But will she be happy?" asked Mrs. Jackson, with foreboding in her voice.
"I sincerely hope so. Anyhow, I think it my duty to go to Captain Parsons and offer him my congratulations."
"Will you do that, Mr. Dryland?" cried Mrs. Jackson. "That is noble of you!"
"If you'd like to take your holiday now, Dryland," said the Vicar, "I daresay we can manage it."
"Oh, no, thanks; I'm not the man to desert from the field of battle."
Mrs. Jackson sighed.
"Things never come right in this world. That's what I always say; the clergy13 are continually doing deeds of heroism14 which the world never hears anything about."
The curate went to Primpton House and inquired whether he might see Captain Parsons.
"I'll go and ask if he's well enough," answered the Colonel, with his admirable respect for the cloth.
"Do you think he wants to talk to me about my soul?" asked James, smiling.
"I don't know; but I think you'd better see him."
"Very well."
Mr. Dryland came forward and shook hands with James in an ecclesiastical and suave15 manner, trying to be dignified16, as behoved a rejected lover in the presence of his rival, and at the same time cordial, as befitted a Christian17 who could bear no malice18.
"Captain Parsons, you will not be unaware19 that I asked Miss Clibborn to be my wife?"
"The fact was fairly generally known in the village," replied James, trying to restrain a smile.
Mr. Dryland blushed.
"I was annoyed at the publicity21 which the circumstance obtained. The worst of these little places is that people will talk."
"It was a very noble deed," said James gravely, repeating the common opinion.
"Not at all," answered the curate, with characteristic modesty22. "But since it was not to be, since Miss Clibborn's choice has fallen on you, I think it my duty to inform you of my hearty23 goodwill24. I wish, in short, to offer you again my sincerest congratulations."
"I'm sure that's very kind of you."
* * *
Two days, later Mrs. Jackson called on a similar errand.
She tripped up to James and frankly25 held out her hand, neatly26 encased as ever in a shining black kid glove.
"Captain Parsons, let us shake hands, and let bygones be bygones. You have taken my advice, and if, in the heat of the moment, we both said things which we regret, after all, we're only human."
"Surely, Mrs. Jackson, I was moderation itself?--even when you told me I should infallibly go to Hell."
"You were extremely irritating," said the Vicar's lady, smiling, "but I forgive you. After all, you paid more attention to what I said than I expected you would."
"It must be very satisfactory for you to think that."
"You know I have no ill-feeling towards you at all. I gave you a piece of my mind because I thought it was my duty. If you think I stepped over the limits of--moderation, I am willing and ready to apologise."
"What a funny woman you are!" said James, looking at her with a good-humoured, but rather astonished smile.
"I'm sure I don't know what makes you think so," she answered, bridling27 a little.
"It never occurred to me that you honestly thought you were acting28 rightly when you came and gave me a piece of your mind, as you call it. I thought your motives29 were simply malicious30 and uncharitable."
"I have a very high ideal of my duties as a clergyman's wife."
"The human animal is very odd."
"I don't look upon myself as an animal, Captain Parsons."
James smiled.
"I wonder why we all torture ourselves so unnecessarily. It really seems as if the chief use we made of our reason was to inflict31 as much pain upon ourselves and upon one another as we possibly could."
"I'm sure I don't know what you mean, Captain Parsons."
"When you do anything, are you ever tormented32 by a doubt whether you are doing right or wrong?"
"Never," she answered, firmly. "There is always a right way and a wrong way, and, I'm thankful to say, God has given me sufficient intelligence to know which is which; and obviously I choose the right way."
"What a comfortable idea! I can never help thinking that every right way is partly wrong, and every wrong way partly right. There's always so much to be said on both sides; to me it's very hard to know which is which."
"Only a very weak man could think like that."
"Possibly! I have long since ceased to flatter myself on my strength of mind. I find it is chiefly a characteristic of unintelligent persons."
* * *
It was Mary's way to take herself seriously. It flattered her to think that she was not blind to Jamie's faults; she loved him none the less on their account, but determined33 to correct them. He had an unusual way of looking at things, and an occasional flippancy34 in his conversation, both of which she hoped in time to eradicate35. With patience, gentleness, and dignity a woman can do a great deal with a man.
One of Mary's friends had a husband with a bad habit of swearing, which was cured in a very simple manner. Whenever he swore, his wife swore too. For instance, he would say: "That's a damned bad job;" and his wife answered, smiling: "Yes, damned bad." He was rather surprised, but quickly ceased to employ objectionable words. Story does not relate whether he also got out of the habit of loving his wife; but that, doubtless, is a minor36 detail. Mary always looked upon her friend as a pattern.
"James is not really cynical," she told herself. "He says things, not because he means them, but because he likes to startle people."
It was inconceivable that James should not think on all subjects as she had been brought up to do, and the least originality37 struck her naturally as a sort of pose. But on account of his illness Mary allowed him a certain latitude38, and when he said anything she did not approve of, instead of arguing the point, merely smiled indulgently and changed the subject. There was plenty of time before her, and when James became her husband she would have abundant opportunity of raising him to that exalted39 level upon which she was so comfortably settled. The influence of a simple Christian woman could not fail to have effect; at bottom James was as good as gold, and she was clever enough to guide him insensibly along the right path.
James, perceiving this, scarcely knew whether to be incensed40 or amused. Sometimes he could see the humour in Mary's ingenuous41 conceit42, and in the dogmatic assurance with which she uttered the most astounding43 opinions; but at others, when she waved aside superciliously44 a remark that did not square with her prejudices, or complacently45 denied a statement because she had never heard it before, he was irritated beyond all endurance. And it was nothing very outrageous46 he said, but merely some commonplace of science which all the world had accepted for twenty years. Mary, however, entrenched47 herself behind the impenetrable rock of her self-sufficiency.
"I'm not clever enough to argue with you," she said; "but I know I'm right; and I'm quite satisfied."
Generally she merely smiled.
"What nonsense you talk, Jamie! You don't really believe what you say."
"But, my dear Mary, it's a solemn fact. There's no possibility of doubting it. It's a truism."
Then with admirable self-command, remembering that James was still an invalid48, she would pat his hand and say:
"Well, it doesn't matter. Of course, you're much cleverer than I am. It must be almost time for your beef-tea."
James sank back, baffled. Mary's ignorance was an impenetrable cuirass; she would not try to understand, she could not even realise that she might possibly be mistaken. Quite seriously she thought that what she ignored could be hardly worth knowing. People talk of the advance of education; there may be a little among the lower classes, but it is inconceivable that the English gentry49 can ever have been more illiterate50 than they are now. Throughout the country, in the comfortable villa20 or in the stately mansion51, you will find as much prejudice and superstition52 in the drawing-room as in the kitchen; and you will find the masters less receptive of new ideas than their servants; and into the bargain, presumptuously53 satisfied with their own nescience.
James saw that the only way to deal with Mary and with his people was to give in to all their prejudices. He let them talk, and held his tongue. He shut himself off from them, recognising that there was, and could be, no bond between them. They were strangers to him; their ways of looking at every detail of life were different from his; they had not an interest, not a thought, in common.... The preparations for the marriage went on.
One day Mary decided that it was her duty to speak with James about his religion. Some of his remarks had made her a little uneasy, and he was quite strong enough now to be seriously dealt with.
"Tell me, Jamie," she said, in reply to an observation which she was pleased to consider flippant, "you do believe in God, don't you?"
But James had learnt his lesson well.
"My dear, that seems to me a private affair of my own."
"Are you ashamed to say?" she asked, gravely.
"No; but I don't see the advantage of discussing the matter."
"I think you ought to tell me as I'm going to be your wife. I shouldn't like you to be an atheist54."
"Atheism55 is exploded, Mary. Only very ignorant persons are certain of what they cannot possibly know."
"Then I don't see why you should be afraid to tell me."
"I'm not; only I think you have no right to ask. We both think that in marriage each should leave the other perfect freedom. I used to imagine the ideal was that married folk should not have a thought, nor an idea apart; but that is all rot. The best thing is evidently for each to go his own way, and respect the privacy of the other. Complete trust entails56 complete liberty."
"I think that is certainly the noblest way of looking at marriage."
"You may be quite sure I shall not intrude57 upon _your_ privacy, Mary."
"I'm sorry I asked you any question. I suppose it's no business of mine."
James returned to his book; he had fallen into the habit again of reading incessantly58, finding therein his only release from the daily affairs of life; but when Mary left him, he let his novel drop and began to think. He was bitterly amused at what he had said. The parrot words which he had so often heard on Mary's lips sounded strangely on his own. He understood now why the view of matrimony had become prevalent that it was an institution in which two casual persons lived together, for the support of one and the material comfort of the other. Without love it was the most natural thing that husband and wife should seek all manner of protection from each other; with love none was needed. It harmonised well with the paradox59 that a marriage of passion was rather indecent, while lukewarm affection and paltry60 motives of convenience were elevating and noble.
Poor Mary! James knew that she loved him with all her soul, such as it was (a delicate conscience and a collection of principles are not enough to make a great lover), and again he acknowledged to himself that he could give her only friendship. It had been but an ephemeral tenderness which drew him to her for the second time, due to weakness of body and to gratitude61. If he ever thought it was love, he knew by now that he had been mistaken. Still, what did it matter? He supposed they would get along very well--as well as most people; better even than if they adored one another; for passion is not conducive62 to an even life. Fortunately she was cold and reserved, little given to demonstrative affection; she made few demands upon him, and occupied with her work in the parish and the collection of her trousseau, was content that he should remain with his books.
The day fixed63 upon for the marriage came nearer.
But at last James was seized with a wild revolt. His father was sitting by him.
"Mary's wedding-dress is nearly ready," he said, suddenly.
"So soon?" cried James, his heart sinking.
"She's afraid that something may happen at the last moment, and it won't be finished in time."
"What could happen?"
"Oh, I mean something at the dressmaker's!"
"Is that all? I imagine there's little danger."
There was a pause, broken again by the Colonel.
"I'm so glad you're going to be happily married, Jamie."
His son did not answer.
"But man is never satisfied. I used to think that when I got you spliced64, I should have nothing else to wish for; but now I'm beginning to want little grandsons to rock upon my knees."
Jamie's face grew dark.
"We should never be able to afford children."
"But they come if one wants them or not, and I shall be able to increase your allowance a little, you know. I don't want you to go short of anything."
James said nothing, but he thought: "If I had children by her, I should hate them." And then with sudden dismay, losing all the artificial indifference65 of the last week, he rebelled passionately66 against his fate. "Oh, I hate and loathe67 her!"
He felt he could no longer continue the pretence68 he had been making--for it was all pretence. The effort to be loving and affectionate was torture, so that all his nerves seemed to vibrate with exasperation69. Sometimes he had to clench70 his hands in order to keep himself under restraint. He was acting all the time. James asked himself what madness blinded Mary that she did not see? He remembered how easily speech had come in the old days when they were boy and girl together; they could pass hours side by side, without a thought of time, talking of little insignificant71 things, silent often, and always happy. But now he racked his brain for topics of conversation, and the slightest pause seemed irksome and unnatural72. He was sometimes bored to death, savagely73, cruelly; so that he was obliged to leave Mary for fear that he would say bitter and horrible things. Without his books he would have gone mad. She must be blind not to see. Then he thought of their married life. How long would it last? The years stretched themselves out endlessly, passing one after another in dreary74 monotony. Could they possibly be happy? Sooner or later Mary would learn how little he cared for her, and what agony must she suffer then! But it was inevitable75. Now, whatever happened, he could not draw back; it was too late for explanations. Would love come? He felt it impossible; he felt, rather, that the physical repulsion which vainly he tried to crush would increase till he abhorred76 the very sight of his wife.
Passionately he cried out against Fate because he had escaped death so often. The gods played with him as a cat plays with a mouse. He had been through dangers innumerable; twice he had lain on the very threshold of eternal night, and twice he had been snatched back. Far rather would he have died the soldier's death, gallantly77, than live on to this humiliation78 and despair. A friendly bullet could have saved him many difficulties and much unhappiness. And why had he recovered from the fever? What an irony79 it was that Mary should claim gratitude for doing him the greatest possible disservice!
"I can't help it," he cried; "I loathe her!"
The strain upon him was becoming intolerable. James felt that he could not much longer conceal80 the anguish81 which was destroying him. But what was to be done? Nothing! Nothing! Nothing!
James held his head in his hands, cursing his pitiful weakness. Why did he not realise, in his convalescence82, that it was but a passing emotion which endeared Mary to him? He had been so anxious to love her, so eager to give happiness to all concerned, that he had welcomed the least sign of affection; but he knew what love was, and there could be no excuse. He should have had the courage to resist his gratitude.
"Why should I sacrifice myself?" he cried. "My life is as valuable as theirs. Why should it be always I from whom sacrifice is demanded?"
But it was no use rebelling. Mary's claims were too strong, and if he lived he must satisfy them. Yet some respite83 he could not do without; away from Primpton he might regain84 his calm. James hated London, but even that would be better than the horrible oppression, the constraint85 he was forced to put upon himself.
He walked up and down the garden for a few minutes to calm down, and went in to his mother. He spoke86 as naturally as he could.
"Father tells me that Mary's wedding-dress is nearly ready."
"Yes; it's a little early. But it's well to be on the safe side."
"It's just occurred to me that I can hardly be married in rags. I think I had better go up to town for a few days to get some things."
"Must you do that?"
"I think so. And there's a lot I want to do."
"Oh, well, I daresay Mary won't mind, if you don't stay too long. But you must take care not to tire yourself."
1 virtuous | |
adj.有品德的,善良的,贞洁的,有效力的 | |
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2 thoroughly | |
adv.完全地,彻底地,十足地 | |
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3 rupture | |
n.破裂;(关系的)决裂;v.(使)破裂 | |
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4 vehemently | |
adv. 热烈地 | |
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5 disapproval | |
n.反对,不赞成 | |
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6 affected | |
adj.不自然的,假装的 | |
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7 possessed | |
adj.疯狂的;拥有的,占有的 | |
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8 linen | |
n.亚麻布,亚麻线,亚麻制品;adj.亚麻布制的,亚麻的 | |
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9 countermanding | |
v.取消(命令),撤回( countermand的现在分词 ) | |
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10 decided | |
adj.决定了的,坚决的;明显的,明确的 | |
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11 diplomacy | |
n.外交;外交手腕,交际手腕 | |
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12 intervention | |
n.介入,干涉,干预 | |
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13 clergy | |
n.[总称]牧师,神职人员 | |
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14 heroism | |
n.大无畏精神,英勇 | |
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15 suave | |
adj.温和的;柔和的;文雅的 | |
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16 dignified | |
a.可敬的,高贵的 | |
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17 Christian | |
adj.基督教徒的;n.基督教徒 | |
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18 malice | |
n.恶意,怨恨,蓄意;[律]预谋 | |
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19 unaware | |
a.不知道的,未意识到的 | |
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20 villa | |
n.别墅,城郊小屋 | |
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21 publicity | |
n.众所周知,闻名;宣传,广告 | |
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22 modesty | |
n.谦逊,虚心,端庄,稳重,羞怯,朴素 | |
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23 hearty | |
adj.热情友好的;衷心的;尽情的,纵情的 | |
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24 goodwill | |
n.善意,亲善,信誉,声誉 | |
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25 frankly | |
adv.坦白地,直率地;坦率地说 | |
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26 neatly | |
adv.整洁地,干净地,灵巧地,熟练地 | |
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27 bridling | |
给…套龙头( bridle的现在分词 ); 控制; 昂首表示轻蔑(或怨忿等); 动怒,生气 | |
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28 acting | |
n.演戏,行为,假装;adj.代理的,临时的,演出用的 | |
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29 motives | |
n.动机,目的( motive的名词复数 ) | |
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30 malicious | |
adj.有恶意的,心怀恶意的 | |
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31 inflict | |
vt.(on)把…强加给,使遭受,使承担 | |
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32 tormented | |
饱受折磨的 | |
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33 determined | |
adj.坚定的;有决心的 | |
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34 flippancy | |
n.轻率;浮躁;无礼的行动 | |
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35 eradicate | |
v.根除,消灭,杜绝 | |
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36 minor | |
adj.较小(少)的,较次要的;n.辅修学科;vi.辅修 | |
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37 originality | |
n.创造力,独创性;新颖 | |
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38 latitude | |
n.纬度,行动或言论的自由(范围),(pl.)地区 | |
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39 exalted | |
adj.(地位等)高的,崇高的;尊贵的,高尚的 | |
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40 incensed | |
盛怒的 | |
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41 ingenuous | |
adj.纯朴的,单纯的;天真的;坦率的 | |
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42 conceit | |
n.自负,自高自大 | |
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43 astounding | |
adj.使人震惊的vt.使震惊,使大吃一惊astound的现在分词) | |
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44 superciliously | |
adv.高傲地;傲慢地 | |
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45 complacently | |
adv. 满足地, 自满地, 沾沾自喜地 | |
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46 outrageous | |
adj.无理的,令人不能容忍的 | |
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47 entrenched | |
adj.确立的,不容易改的(风俗习惯) | |
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48 invalid | |
n.病人,伤残人;adj.有病的,伤残的;无效的 | |
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49 gentry | |
n.绅士阶级,上层阶级 | |
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50 illiterate | |
adj.文盲的;无知的;n.文盲 | |
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51 mansion | |
n.大厦,大楼;宅第 | |
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52 superstition | |
n.迷信,迷信行为 | |
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53 presumptuously | |
adv.自以为是地,专横地,冒失地 | |
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54 atheist | |
n.无神论者 | |
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55 atheism | |
n.无神论,不信神 | |
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56 entails | |
使…成为必要( entail的第三人称单数 ); 需要; 限定继承; 使必需 | |
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57 intrude | |
vi.闯入;侵入;打扰,侵扰 | |
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58 incessantly | |
ad.不停地 | |
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59 paradox | |
n.似乎矛盾却正确的说法;自相矛盾的人(物) | |
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60 paltry | |
adj.无价值的,微不足道的 | |
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61 gratitude | |
adj.感激,感谢 | |
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62 conducive | |
adj.有益的,有助的 | |
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63 fixed | |
adj.固定的,不变的,准备好的;(计算机)固定的 | |
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64 spliced | |
adj.(针织品)加固的n.叠接v.绞接( splice的过去式和过去分词 );捻接(两段绳子);胶接;粘接(胶片、磁带等) | |
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65 indifference | |
n.不感兴趣,不关心,冷淡,不在乎 | |
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66 passionately | |
ad.热烈地,激烈地 | |
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67 loathe | |
v.厌恶,嫌恶 | |
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68 pretence | |
n.假装,作假;借口,口实;虚伪;虚饰 | |
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69 exasperation | |
n.愤慨 | |
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70 clench | |
vt.捏紧(拳头等),咬紧(牙齿等),紧紧握住 | |
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71 insignificant | |
adj.无关紧要的,可忽略的,无意义的 | |
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72 unnatural | |
adj.不自然的;反常的 | |
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73 savagely | |
adv. 野蛮地,残酷地 | |
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74 dreary | |
adj.令人沮丧的,沉闷的,单调乏味的 | |
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75 inevitable | |
adj.不可避免的,必然发生的 | |
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76 abhorred | |
v.憎恶( abhor的过去式和过去分词 );(厌恶地)回避;拒绝;淘汰 | |
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77 gallantly | |
adv. 漂亮地,勇敢地,献殷勤地 | |
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78 humiliation | |
n.羞辱 | |
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79 irony | |
n.反语,冷嘲;具有讽刺意味的事,嘲弄 | |
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80 conceal | |
v.隐藏,隐瞒,隐蔽 | |
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81 anguish | |
n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦,烦恼 | |
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82 convalescence | |
n.病后康复期 | |
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83 respite | |
n.休息,中止,暂缓 | |
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84 regain | |
vt.重新获得,收复,恢复 | |
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85 constraint | |
n.(on)约束,限制;限制(或约束)性的事物 | |
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86 spoke | |
n.(车轮的)辐条;轮辐;破坏某人的计划;阻挠某人的行动 v.讲,谈(speak的过去式);说;演说;从某种观点来说 | |
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