On his second visit to London, James was more fortunate, for immediately he got inside his club he found an old friend, a man named Barker, late adjutant of his regiment1. Barker had a great deal to tell James of mutual2 acquaintance, and the pair dined together, going afterwards to a music-hall. James felt in better spirits than for some time past, and his good humour carried him well into the following day. In the afternoon, while he was reading a paper, Barker came up to him.
"I say, old chap," he said, "I quite forgot to tell you yesterday. You remember Mrs. Wallace, don't you--Pritchard, of that ilk? She's in town, and in a passion with you. She says she's written to you twice, and you've taken no notice."
"Really? I thought nobody was in town now."
"She is; I forget why. She told me a long story, but I didn't listen, as I knew it would be mostly fibs. She's probably up to some mischief3. Let's go round to her place and have tea, shall we?"
"I hardly think I can," replied James, reddening. "I've got an engagement at four."
"Rot--come on! She's just as stunning4 as ever. By Gad5, you should have seen her in her weeds!"
"In her weeds! What the devil do you mean?"
"Didn't you know? P. W. was bowled over at the beginning of the war--after Colenso, I think."
"By God!--I didn't know. I never saw!"
"Oh, well, I didn't know till I came home.... Let's stroll along, shall we? She's looking out for number two; but she wants money, so there's no danger for us!"
James rose mechanically, and putting on his hat, accompanied Barker, all unwitting of the thunder-blow that his words had been.... Mrs. Wallace was at home. James went upstairs, forgetting everything but that the woman he loved was free--free! His heart beat so that he could scarcely breathe; he was afraid of betraying his agitation6, and had to make a deliberate effort to contain himself.
Mrs. Wallace gave a little cry of surprise on seeing James.... She had not changed. The black gown she wore, fashionable, but slightly fantastic, set off the dazzling olive clearness of her skin and the rich colour of her hair. James turned pale with the passion that consumed him; he could hardly speak.
"You wretch7!" she cried, her eyes sparkling, "I've written to you twice--once to congratulate you, and then to ask you to come and see me--and you took not the least notice."
"Barker has just told me you wrote. I am so sorry."
"Oh, well, I thought you might not receive the letters. I'll forgive you."
She wore Indian anklets on her wrists and a barbaric chain about her neck, so that even in the London lodging-house she preserved a mysterious Oriental charm. In her movements there was a sinuous8 feline9 grace which was delightful10, and yet rather terrifying. One fancied that she was not quite human, but some cruel animal turned into the likeness11 of a woman. Vague stories floated through the mind of Lamia, and the unhappy end of her lovers.
The three of them began to talk, chattering12 of the old days in India, of the war. Mrs. Wallace bemoaned13 her fate in having to stay in town when all smart people had left. Barker told stories. James did not know how he joined in the flippant conversation; he wondered at his self-command in saying insignificant14 things, in laughing heartily15, when his whole soul was in a turmoil16. At length the adjutant went away, and James was left alone with Mrs. Wallace.
"D'you wish me to go?" he asked. "You can turn me out if you do."
"Oh, I should--without hesitation," she retorted, laughing; "but I'm bored to death, and I want you to amuse me."
Strangely enough, James felt that the long absence had created no barrier between them. Thinking of Mrs. Wallace incessantly17, sometimes against his will, sometimes with a fierce delight, holding with her imaginary conversations, he felt, on the contrary, that he knew her far more intimately than he had ever done. There seemed to be a link between them, as though something had passed which prevented them from ever again becoming strangers. James felt he had her confidence, and he was able to talk frankly18 as before, in his timidity, he had never ventured. He treated her with the loving friendliness19 with which he had been used to treat the imaginary creature of his dreams.
"You haven't changed a bit," he said, looking at her.
"Did you expect me to be haggard and wrinkled? I never let myself grow old. One only needs strength of mind to keep young indefinitely."
"I'm surprised, because you're so exactly as I've thought of you."
"Have you thought of me often?"
The fire flashed to Jamie's eyes, and it was on his lips to break out passionately20, telling her how he had lived constantly with her recollection, how she had been meat and drink to him, life, and breath, and soul; but he restrained himself.
"Sometimes," he answered, smiling.
Mrs. Wallace smiled, too.
"I seem to remember that you vowed22 once to think of me always."
"One vows23 all sorts of things." He hoped she could not hear the trembling in his voice.
"You're very cool, friend Jim--and much less shy than you used to be. You were a perfect monster of bashfulness, and your conscience was a most alarming animal. It used to frighten me out of my wits; I hope you keep it now under lock and key, like the beasts in the Zoo."
James was telling himself that it was folly24 to remain, that he must go at once and never return. The recollection of Mary came back to him, in the straw hat and the soiled serge dress, sitting in the dining-room with his father and mother; she had brought her knitting so as not to waste a minute; and while they talked of him, her needles clicked rapidly to and fro. Mrs. Wallace was lying in a long chair, coiled up in a serpentine25, characteristic attitude; every movement wafted26 to him the oppressive perfume she wore; the smile on her lips, the caress27 of her eyes, were maddening. He loved her more even than he had imagined; his love was a fury, blind and destroying. He repeated to himself that he must fly, but the heaviness in his limbs chained him to her side; he had no will, no strength; he was a reed, bending to every word she spoke28 and to every look. Her fascination29 was not human, the calm, voluptuous30 look of her eyes was too cruel; and she was poised31 like a serpent about to spring.
At last, however, James was obliged to take his leave.
"I've stayed an unconscionable time."
"Have you? I've not noticed it."
Did she care for him? He took her hand to say good-bye, and the pressure sent the blood racing32 through his veins33. He remembered vividly34 the passionate21 embrace of their last farewell. He thought then that he should never see her again, and it was Fate which had carried him to her feet. Oh, how he longed now to take her in his arms and to cover her soft mouth with his kisses!
"What are you doing this evening?" she said.
"Nothing."
"Would you like to take me to the Carlton? You remember you promised."
"Oh, that is good of you! Of course I should like it!"
At last he could not hide the fire in his heart, and the simple words were said so vehemently35 that Mrs. Wallace looked up in surprise. She withdrew the hand which he was still holding.
"Very well. You may fetch me at a quarter to eight."
* * *
After taking Mrs. Wallace home, James paced the streets for an hour in a turmoil of wild excitement. They had dined at the Carlton expensively, as was her wish, and then, driving to the Empire, James had taken a box. Through the evening he had scarcely known how to maintain his calm, how to prevent himself from telling her all that was in his heart. After the misery36 he had gone through, he snatched at happiness with eager grasp, determined37 to enjoy to the full every single moment of it. He threw all scruples38 to the wind. He was sick and tired of holding himself in; he had checked himself too long, and now, at all hazards, must let himself go. Bridle39 and curb40 now were of no avail. He neither could nor would suppress his passion, though it devoured41 him like a raging fire. He thought his conscientiousness42 absurd. Why could he not, like other men, take the brief joy of life? Why could he not gather the roses without caring whether they would quickly fade? "Let me eat, drink, and be merry," he cried, "for to-morrow I die!"
It was Wednesday, and on the Saturday he had promised to return to Little Primpton. But he put aside all thought of that, except as an incentive43 to make the most of his time. He had wrestled44 with temptation and been overcome, and he gloried in his defeat. He would make no further effort to stifle45 his love. His strength had finally deserted46 him, and he had no will to protect himself; he would give himself over entirely47 to his passion, and the future might bring what it would.
"I'm a fool to torment48 myself!" he cried. "After all, what does anything matter but love?"
Mrs. Wallace was engaged for the afternoon of the next day, but she had invited him to dine with her.
"They feed you abominably49 at my place," she said, "but I'll do my best. And we shall be able to talk."
Until then he would not live; and all sorts of wild, mad thoughts ran through his head.
"Is there a greater fool on earth than the virtuous50 prig?" he muttered, savagely51.
He could not sleep, but tossed from side to side, thinking ever of the soft hands and the red lips that he so ardently52 wished to kiss. In the morning he sent to Half Moon Street a huge basket of flowers.
* * *
"It was good of you," said Mrs. Wallace, when he arrived, pointing to the roses scattered53 through the room. She wore three in her hair, trailing behind one ear in an exotic, charming fashion.
"It's only you who could think of wearing them like that."
"Do they make me look very barbaric?" She was flattered by the admiration54 in his eyes. "You certainly have improved since I saw you last."
"Now, shall we stay here or go somewhere?" she asked after dinner, when they were smoking cigarettes.
"Let us stay here."
Mrs. Wallace began talking the old nonsense which, in days past, had delighted James; it enchanted55 him to hear her say, in the tone of voice he knew so well, just those things which he had a thousand times repeated to himself. He looked at her with a happy smile, his eyes fixed56 upon her, taking in every movement.
"I don't believe you're listening to a word I'm saying!" she cried at last. "Why don't you answer?"
"Go on. I like to see you talk. It's long since I've had the chance."
"You spoke yesterday as though you hadn't missed me much."
"I didn't mean it. You knew I didn't mean it."
She smiled mockingly.
"I thought it doubtful. If it had been true, you could hardly have said anything so impolite."
"I've thought of you always. That's why I feel I know you so much better now. I don't change. What I felt once, I feel always."
"I wonder what you mean by that?"
"I mean that I love you as passionately as when last I saw you. Oh, I love you ten times more!"
"And the girl with the bun and the strenuous57 look? You were engaged when I knew you last."
James was silent for a moment.
"I'm going to be married to her on the 10th of October," he said finally, in an expressionless voice.
"You don't say that as if you were wildly enthusiastic."
"Why did you remind me?" cried James. "I was so happy. Oh, I hate her!"
"Then why on earth are you marrying her?"
"I can't help it; I must. You've brought it all back. How could you be so cruel! When I came back from the Cape58, I broke the engagement off. I made her utterly59 miserable60, and I took all the pleasure out of my poor father's life. I knew I'd done right; I knew that unless I loved her it was madness to marry; I felt even that it was unclean. Oh, you don't know how I've argued it all out with myself time after time! I was anxious to do right, and I felt such a cad. I can't escape from my bringing-up. You can't imagine what are the chains that bind61 us in England. We're wrapped from our infancy62 in the swaddling-clothes of prejudice, ignorance, and false ideas; and when we grow up, though we know they're all absurd and horrible, we can't escape from them; they've become part of our very flesh. Then I grew ill--I nearly died; and Mary nursed me devotedly63. I don't know what came over me, I felt so ill and weak. I was grateful to her. The old self seized me again, and I was ashamed of what I'd done. I wanted to make them all happy. I asked her again to marry me, and she said she would. I thought I could love her, but I can't--I can't, God help me!"
Jamie's passion was growing uncontrollable. He walked up and down the room, and then threw himself heavily on a chair.
"Oh, I know it was weakness! I used to pride myself on my strength of mind, but I'm weak. I'm weaker than a woman. I'm a poor reed--vacillating, uncertain, purposeless. I don't know my own mind. I haven't the courage to act according to my convictions. I'm afraid to give pain. They all think I'm brave, but I'm simply a pitiful coward...."
"I feel that Mary has entrapped64 me, and I hate her. I know she has good qualities--heaps of them--but I can't see them. I only know that the mere65 touch of her hand curdles66 my blood. She excites absolute physical repulsion in me; I can't help it. I know it's madness to marry her, but I can't do anything else. I daren't inflict67 a second time the humiliation68 and misery upon her, or the unhappiness upon my people."
Mrs. Wallace now was serious.
"And do you really care for anyone else?"
He turned savagely upon her.
"You know I do. You know I love you with all my heart and soul. You know I've loved you passionately from the first day I saw you. Didn't you feel, even when we were separated, that my love was inextinguishable? Didn't you feel it always with you? Oh, my dear, my dear, you must have known that death was too weak to touch my love! I tried to crush it, because neither you nor I was free. Your husband was my friend. I couldn't do anything blackguardly. I ran away from you. What a fool you must have thought me! And now I know that at last we were both free, I might have made you love me. I had my chance of happiness at last; what I'd longed for, cursing myself for treachery, had come to pass. But I never knew. In my weakness I surrendered my freedom. O God! what shall I do?"
He hid his face in his hands and groaned69 with agony. Mrs. Wallace was silent for a while.
"I don't know if it will be any consolation70 for you," she said at last; "you're sure to know sooner or later, and I may as well tell you now. I'm engaged to be married."
"What!" cried James, springing up. "It's not true; it's not true!"
"Why not? Of course it's true!"
"You can't--oh, my dearest, be kind to me!"
"Don't be silly, there's a good boy! You're going to be married yourself in a month, and you really can't expect me to remain single because you fancy you care for me. I shouldn't have told you, only I thought it would make things easier for you."
"You never cared two straws for me! I knew that. You needn't throw it in my face."
"After all, I was a married woman."
"I wonder how much you minded when you heard your husband was lying dead on the veldt?"
"My dear boy, he wasn't; he died of fever at Durban--quite comfortably, in a bed."
"Were you sorry?"
"Of course I was! He was extremely satisfactory--and not at all exacting71."
James did not know why he asked the questions; they came to his lips unbidden. He was sick at heart, angry, contemptuous.
"I'm going to marry a Mr. Bryant--but, of course, not immediately," she went on, occupied with her own thoughts, and pleased to talk of them.
"What is he?"
"Nothing! He's a landed proprietor72." She said this with a certain pride.
James looked at her scornfully; his love all through had been mingled73 with contrary elements; and trying to subdue74 it, he had often insisted upon the woman's vulgarity, and lack of taste, and snobbishness75. He thought bitterly now that the daughter of the Portuguese76 and of the riding-master had done very well for herself.
"Really, I think you're awfully77 unreasonable," she said. "You might make yourself pleasant."
"I can't," he said, gravely. "Let me go away. You don't know what I've felt for you. In my madness, I fancied that you must realise my love; I thought even that you might care for me a little in return."
"You're quite the nicest boy I've ever known. I like you immensely."
"But you like the landed proprietor better. You're very wise. He can marry you. Good-bye!"
"I don't want you to think I'm horrid," she said, going up to him and taking his arm. It was an instinct with her to caress people and make them fond of her. "After all, it's not my fault."
"Have I blamed you? I'm sorry; I had no right to."
"What are you going to do?"
"I don't know--I can always shoot myself if things get unendurable. Thank God, there's always that refuge!"
"Oh, I hope you won't do anything silly!"
"It would be unlike me," James murmured, grimly. "I'm so dreadfully prosaic78 and matter-of-fact. Good-bye!"
Mrs. Wallace was really sorry for James, and she took his hand affectionately. She always thought it cost so little to be amiable79.
"We may never meet again," she said; "but we shall still be friends, Jim."
"Are you going to say that you'll be a sister to me, as Mary told the curate?"
"Won't you kiss me before you go?"
James shook his head, not trusting himself to answer. The light in his life had all gone; the ray of sunshine was hidden; the heavy clouds had closed in, and all the rest was darkness. But he tried to smile at Mrs. Wallace as he touched her hand; he hardly dared look at her again, knowing from old experience how every incident and every detail of her person would rise tormentingly80 before his recollection. But at last he pulled himself together.
"I'm sorry I've made a fool of myself," he said, quietly. "I hope you'll be very happy. Please forget all I've said to you. It was only nonsense. Good-bye! I'll send you a bit of my wedding-cake."
收听单词发音 |
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regiment
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| n.团，多数，管理；v.组织，编成团，统制 | |
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mutual
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| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
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mischief
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| n.损害，伤害，危害；恶作剧，捣蛋，胡闹 | |
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stunning
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| adj.极好的；使人晕倒的 | |
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gad
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| n.闲逛；v.闲逛 | |
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agitation
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| n.搅动；搅拌；鼓动，煽动 | |
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wretch
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| n.可怜的人，不幸的人；卑鄙的人 | |
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sinuous
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| adj.蜿蜒的，迂回的 | |
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feline
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| adj.猫科的 | |
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delightful
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| adj.令人高兴的，使人快乐的 | |
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likeness
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| n.相像，相似（之处） | |
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chattering
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| n. （机器振动发出的）咔嗒声，(鸟等)鸣，啁啾 adj. 喋喋不休的，啾啾声的 动词chatter的现在分词形式 | |
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bemoaned
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| v.为（某人或某事）抱怨( bemoan的过去式和过去分词 )；悲悼；为…恸哭；哀叹 | |
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insignificant
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| adj.无关紧要的，可忽略的，无意义的 | |
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heartily
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| adv.衷心地，诚恳地，十分，很 | |
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turmoil
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| n.骚乱，混乱，动乱 | |
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incessantly
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| ad.不停地 | |
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frankly
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| adv.坦白地，直率地；坦率地说 | |
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friendliness
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| n.友谊，亲切，亲密 | |
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passionately
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| ad.热烈地，激烈地 | |
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passionate
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，激昂的，易动情的，易怒的，性情暴躁的 | |
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vowed
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| 起誓，发誓（vow的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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vows
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| 誓言( vow的名词复数 )； 郑重宣布，许愿 | |
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folly
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serpentine
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wafted
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| v.吹送，飘送，（使）浮动( waft的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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caress
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| vt./n.爱抚，抚摸 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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fascination
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| n.令人着迷的事物，魅力，迷恋 | |
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voluptuous
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| adj.肉欲的，骄奢淫逸的 | |
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poised
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| a.摆好姿势不动的 | |
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racing
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| n.竞赛，赛马；adj.竞赛用的，赛马用的 | |
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veins
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| n.纹理；矿脉( vein的名词复数 )；静脉；叶脉；纹理 | |
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vividly
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| adv.清楚地，鲜明地，生动地 | |
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vehemently
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| adv. 热烈地 | |
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misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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scruples
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| n.良心上的不安( scruple的名词复数 )；顾虑，顾忌v.感到于心不安，有顾忌( scruple的第三人称单数 ) | |
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bridle
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| n.笼头，束缚；vt.抑制，约束；动怒 | |
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curb
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| n.场外证券市场，场外交易；vt.制止，抑制 | |
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devoured
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| 吞没( devour的过去式和过去分词 )； 耗尽； 津津有味地看； 狼吞虎咽地吃光 | |
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conscientiousness
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| 责任心 | |
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incentive
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| n.刺激；动力；鼓励；诱因；动机 | |
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wrestled
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| v.（与某人）搏斗( wrestle的过去式和过去分词 )；扭成一团；扭打；（与…）摔跤 | |
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stifle
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| vt.使窒息；闷死；扼杀；抑止，阻止 | |
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deserted
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| adj.荒芜的，荒废的，无人的，被遗弃的 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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torment
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| n.折磨；令人痛苦的东西(人)；vt.折磨；纠缠 | |
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abominably
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| adv. 可恶地，可恨地，恶劣地 | |
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virtuous
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| adj.有品德的，善良的，贞洁的，有效力的 | |
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savagely
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| adv. 野蛮地，残酷地 | |
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ardently
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| adv.热心地，热烈地 | |
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scattered
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| adj.分散的，稀疏的；散步的；疏疏落落的 | |
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admiration
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| n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕 | |
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enchanted
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| adj. 被施魔法的，陶醉的，入迷的 动词enchant的过去式和过去分词 | |
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fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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strenuous
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| adj.奋发的，使劲的；紧张的；热烈的，狂热的 | |
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cape
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| n.海角，岬；披肩，短披风 | |
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utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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bind
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| vt.捆，包扎；装订；约束；使凝固；vi.变硬 | |
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infancy
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| n.婴儿期；幼年期；初期 | |
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devotedly
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| 专心地； 恩爱地； 忠实地； 一心一意地 | |
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entrapped
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| v.使陷入圈套，使入陷阱( entrap的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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curdles
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| v.（使）凝结( curdle的第三人称单数 ) | |
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inflict
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| vt.(on)把…强加给，使遭受，使承担 | |
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68
humiliation
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| n.羞辱 | |
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groaned
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| v.呻吟( groan的过去式和过去分词 )；发牢骚；抱怨；受苦 | |
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consolation
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| n.安慰，慰问 | |
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exacting
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| adj.苛求的，要求严格的 | |
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proprietor
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| n.所有人；业主；经营者 | |
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73
mingled
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| 混合，混入( mingle的过去式和过去分词 )； 混进，与…交往[联系] | |
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subdue
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| vt.制服，使顺从，征服；抑制，克制 | |
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snobbishness
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| 势利； 势利眼 | |
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Portuguese
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| n.葡萄牙人；葡萄牙语 | |
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awfully
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| adv.可怕地，非常地，极端地 | |
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prosaic
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| adj.单调的，无趣的 | |
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amiable
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| adj.和蔼可亲的，友善的，亲切的 | |
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tormentingly
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| 使痛苦的，使苦恼的 | |
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