October 10th. - Mr. Huntingdon returned about three weeks ago. His appearance, his demeanour and conversation, and my feelings with regard to him, I shall not trouble myself to describe. The day after his arrival, however, he surprised me by the announcement of an intention to procure1 a governess for little Arthur: I told him it was quite unnecessary, not to say ridiculous, at the present season: I thought I was fully2 competent to the task of teaching him myself - for some years to come, at least: the child's education was the only pleasure and business of my life; and since he had deprived me of every other occupation, he might surely leave me that.
He said I was not fit to teach children, or to be with them: I had already reduced the boy to little better than an automaton3; I had broken his fine spirit with my rigid4 severity; and I should freeze all the sunshine out of his heart, and make him as gloomy an ascetic5 as myself, if I had the handling of him much longer. And poor Rachel, too, came in for her share of abuse, as usual; he cannot endure Rachel, because he knows she has a proper appreciation6 of him.
I calmly defended our several qualifications as nurse and governess, and still resisted the proposed addition to our family; but he cut me short by saying it was no use bothering about the matter, for he had engaged a governess already, and she was coming next week; so that all I had to do was to get things ready for her reception. This was a rather startling piece of intelligence. I ventured to inquire her name and address, by whom she had been recommended, or how he had been led to make choice of her.
'She is a very estimable, pious7 young person,' said he; 'you needn't be afraid. Her name is Myers, I believe; and she was recommended to me by a respectable old dowager: a lady of high repute in the religious world. I have not seen her myself, and therefore cannot give you a particular account of her person and conversation, and so forth8; but, if the old lady's eulogies9 are correct, you will find her to possess all desirable qualifications for her position: an inordinate10 love of children among the rest.'
All this was gravely and quietly spoken, but there was a laughing demon12 in his half-averted eye that boded13 no good, I imagined. However, I thought of my asylum14 in -shire, and made no further objections.
When Miss Myers arrived, I was not prepared to give her a very cordial reception. Her appearance was not particularly calculated to produce a favourable15 impression at first sight, nor did her manners and subsequent conduct, in any degree, remove the prejudice I had already conceived against her. Her attainments16 were limited, her intellect noways above mediocrity. She had a fine voice, and could sing like a nightingale, and accompany herself sufficiently17 well on the piano; but these were her only accomplishments18. There was a look of guile19 and subtlety20 in her face, a sound of it in her voice. She seemed afraid of me, and would start if I suddenly approached her. In her behaviour she was respectful and complaisant21, even to servility: she attempted to flatter and fawn22 upon me at first, but I soon checked that. Her fondness for her little pupil was overstrained, and I was obliged to remonstrate23 with her on the subject of over-indulgence and injudicious praise; but she could not gain his heart. Her piety24 consisted in an occasional heaving of sighs, and uplifting of eyes to the ceiling, and the utterance25 of a few cant26 phrases. She told me she was a clergyman's daughter, and had been left an orphan27 from her childhood, but had had the good fortune to obtain a situation in a very pious family; and then she spoke11 so gratefully of the kindness she had experienced from its different members, that I reproached myself for my uncharitable thoughts and unfriendly conduct, and relented for a time, but not for long: my causes of dislike were too rational, my suspicions too well founded for that; and I knew it was my duty to watch and scrutinize28 till those suspicions were either satisfactorily removed or confirmed.
I asked the name and residence of the kind and pious family. She mentioned a common name, and an unknown and distant place of abode29, but told me they were now on the Continent, and their present address was unknown to her. I never saw her speak much to Mr. Huntingdon; but he would frequently look into the school-room to see how little Arthur got on with his new companion, when I was not there. In the evening, she sat with us in the drawing-room, and would sing and play to amuse him or us, as she pretended, and was very attentive30 to his wants, and watchful31 to anticipate them, though she only talked to me; indeed, he was seldom in a condition to be talked to. Had she been other than she was, I should have felt her presence a great relief to come between us thus, except, indeed, that I should have been thoroughly32 ashamed for any decent person to see him as he often was.
I did not mention my suspicions to Rachel; but she, having sojourned for half a century in this land of sin and sorrow, has learned to be suspicious herself. She told me from the first she was 'down of that new governess,' and I soon found she watched her quite as narrowly as I did; and I was glad of it, for I longed to know the truth: the atmosphere of Grassdale seemed to stifle33 me, and I could only live by thinking of Wildfell Hall.
At last, one morning, she entered my chamber34 with such intelligence that my resolution was taken before she had ceased to speak. While she dressed me I explained to her my intentions and what assistance I should require from her, and told her which of my things she was to pack up, and what she was to leave behind for herself, as I had no other means of recompensing her for this sudden dismissal after her long and faithful service: a circumstance I most deeply regretted, but could not avoid.
'And what will you do, Rachel?' said I; 'will you go home, or seek another place?'
'I have no home, ma'am, but with you,' she replied; 'and if I leave you I'll never go into place again as long as I live.'
'But I can't afford to live like a lady now,' returned I: 'I must be my own maid and my child's nurse.'
'What signifies!' replied she, in some excitement. 'You'll want somebody to clean and wash, and cook, won't you? I can do all that; and never mind the wages: I've my bits o' savings35 yet, and if you wouldn't take me I should have to find my own board and lodging36 out of 'em somewhere, or else work among strangers: and it's what I'm not used to: so you can please yourself, ma'am.' Her voice quavered as she spoke, and the tears stood in her eyes.
'I should like it above all things, Rachel, and I'd give you such wages as I could afford: such as I should give to any servant-of- all-work I might employ: but don't you see I should be dragging you down with me when you have done nothing to deserve it?'
'Oh, fiddle37!' ejaculated she.
'And, besides, my future way of living will be so widely different to the past: so different to all you have been accustomed to - '
'Do you think, ma'am, I can't bear what my missis can? surely I'm not so proud and so dainty as that comes to; and my little master, too, God bless him!'
'But I'm young, Rachel; I sha'n't mind it; and Arthur is young too: it will be nothing to him.'
'Nor me either: I'm not so old but what I can stand hard fare and hard work, if it's only to help and comfort them as I've loved like my own bairns: for all I'm too old to bide38 the thoughts o' leaving 'em in trouble and danger, and going amongst strangers myself.'
'Then you sha'n't, Rachel!' cried I, embracing my faithful friend. 'We'll all go together, and you shall see how the new life suits you.'
'Bless you, honey!' cried she, affectionately returning my embrace. 'Only let us get shut of this wicked house, and we'll do right enough, you'll see.'
'So think I,' was my answer; and so that point was settled.
By that morning's post I despatched a few hasty lines to Frederick, beseeching39 him to prepare my asylum for my immediate40 reception: for I should probably come to claim it within a day after the receipt of that note: and telling him, in few words, the cause of my sudden resolution. I then wrote three letters of adieu: the first to Esther Hargrave, in which I told her that I found it impossible to stay any longer at Grassdale, or to leave my son under his father's protection; and, as it was of the last importance that our future abode should be unknown to him and his acquaintance, I should disclose it to no one but my brother, through the medium of whom I hoped still to correspond with my friends. I then gave her his address, exhorted41 her to write frequently, reiterated42 some of my former admonitions regarding her own concerns, and bade her a fond farewell.
The second was to Milicent; much to the same effect, but a little more confidential43, as befitted our longer intimacy44, and her greater experience and better acquaintance with my circumstances.
The third was to my aunt: a much more difficult and painful undertaking45, and therefore I had left it to the last; but I must give her some explanation of that extraordinary step I had taken: and that quickly, for she and my uncle would no doubt hear of it within a day or two after my disappearance46, as it was probable that Mr. Huntingdon would speedily apply to them to know what was become of me. At last, however, I told her I was sensible of my error: I did not complain of its punishment, and I was sorry to trouble my friends with its consequences; but in duty to my son I must submit no longer; it was absolutely necessary that he should be delivered from his father's corrupting47 influence. I should not disclose my place of refuge even to her, in order that she and my uncle might be able, with truth, to deny all knowledge concerning it; but any communications addressed to me under cover to my brother would be certain to reach me. I hoped she and my uncle would pardon the step I had taken, for if they knew all, I was sure they would not blame me; and I trusted they would not afflict48 themselves on my account, for if I could only reach my retreat in safety and keep it unmolested, I should be very happy, but for the thoughts of them; and should be quite contented49 to spend my life in obscurity, devoting myself to the training up of my child, and teaching him to avoid the errors of both his parents.
These things were done yesterday: I have given two whole days to the preparation for our departure, that Frederick may have more time to prepare the rooms, and Rachel to pack up the things: for the latter task must be done with the utmost caution and secrecy50, and there is no one but me to assist her. I can help to get the articles together, but I do not understand the art of stowing them into the boxes, so as to take up the smallest possible space; and there are her own things to do, as well as mine and Arthur's. I can ill afford to leave anything behind, since I have no money, except a few guineas in my purse; and besides, as Rachel observed, whatever I left would most likely become the property of Miss Myers, and I should not relish51 that.
But what trouble I have had throughout these two days, struggling to appear calm and collected, to meet him and her as usual, when I was obliged to meet them, and forcing myself to leave my little Arthur in her hands for hours together! But I trust these trials are over now: I have laid him in my bed for better security, and never more, I trust, shall his innocent lips be defiled52 by their contaminating kisses, or his young ears polluted by their words. But shall we escape in safety? Oh, that the morning were come, and we were on our way at least! This evening, when I had given Rachel all the assistance I could, and had nothing left me but to wait, and wish and tremble, I became so greatly agitated53 that I knew not what to do. I went down to dinner, but I could not force myself to eat. Mr. Huntingdon remarked the circumstance.
'What's to do with you now?' said he, when the removal of the second course gave him time to look about him.
'I am not well,' I replied: 'I think I must lie down a little; you won't miss me much?'
'Not the least: if you leave your chair, it'll do just as well - better, a trifle,' he muttered, as I left the room, 'for I can fancy somebody else fills it.'
'Somebody else may fill it to-morrow,' I thought, but did not say. 'There! I've seen the last of you, I hope,' I muttered, as I closed the door upon him.
Rachel urged me to seek repose54 at once, to recruit my strength for to-morrow's journey, as we must be gone before the dawn; but in my present state of nervous excitement that was entirely55 out of the question. It was equally out of the question to sit, or wander about my room, counting the hours and the minutes between me and the appointed time of action, straining my ears and trembling at every sound, lest someone should discover and betray us after all. I took up a book and tried to read: my eyes wandered over the pages, but it was impossible to bind56 my thoughts to their contents. Why not have recourse to the old expedient57, and add this last event to my chronicle? I opened its pages once more, and wrote the above account - with difficulty, at first, but gradually my mind became more calm and steady. Thus several hours have passed away: the time is drawing near; and now my eyes feel heavy and my frame exhausted58. I will commend my cause to God, and then lie down and gain an hour or two of sleep; and then! -
Little Arthur sleeps soundly. All the house is still: there can be no one watching. The boxes were all corded by Benson, and quietly conveyed down the back stairs after dusk, and sent away in a cart to the M- coach-office. The name upon the cards was Mrs. Graham, which appellation59 I mean henceforth to adopt. My mother's maiden60 name was Graham, and therefore I fancy I have some claim to it, and prefer it to any other, except my own, which I dare not resume.
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procure
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| vt.获得，取得，促成；vi.拉皮条 | |
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fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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automaton
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| n.自动机器，机器人 | |
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rigid
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| adj.严格的，死板的；刚硬的，僵硬的 | |
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ascetic
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| adj.禁欲的；严肃的 | |
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appreciation
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| n.评价；欣赏；感谢；领会，理解；价格上涨 | |
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pious
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| adj.虔诚的；道貌岸然的 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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eulogies
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| n.颂词，颂文( eulogy的名词复数 ) | |
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inordinate
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| adj.无节制的；过度的 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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demon
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| n.魔鬼，恶魔 | |
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boded
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| v.预示，预告，预言( bode的过去式和过去分词 )；等待，停留( bide的过去分词 )；居住；（过去式用bided）等待 | |
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asylum
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| n.避难所，庇护所，避难 | |
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favourable
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| adj.赞成的，称赞的，有利的，良好的，顺利的 | |
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attainments
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| 成就，造诣； 获得( attainment的名词复数 )； 达到； 造诣； 成就 | |
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sufficiently
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| adv.足够地，充分地 | |
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accomplishments
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| n.造诣；完成( accomplishment的名词复数 )；技能；成绩；成就 | |
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guile
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| n.诈术 | |
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subtlety
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| n.微妙，敏锐，精巧；微妙之处，细微的区别 | |
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complaisant
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| adj.顺从的，讨好的 | |
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fawn
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| n.未满周岁的小鹿；v.巴结，奉承 | |
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remonstrate
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| v.抗议，规劝 | |
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piety
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| n.虔诚，虔敬 | |
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utterance
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| n.用言语表达，话语，言语 | |
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cant
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| n.斜穿，黑话，猛扔 | |
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orphan
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| n.孤儿；adj.无父母的 | |
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scrutinize
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| n.详细检查，细读 | |
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abode
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| n.住处，住所 | |
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attentive
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| adj.注意的，专心的；关心(别人)的，殷勤的 | |
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watchful
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| adj.注意的，警惕的 | |
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thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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33
stifle
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| vt.使窒息；闷死；扼杀；抑止，阻止 | |
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chamber
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| n.房间，寝室；会议厅；议院；会所 | |
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savings
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| n.存款，储蓄 | |
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lodging
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| n.寄宿，住所；(大学生的)校外宿舍 | |
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fiddle
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| n.小提琴；vi.拉提琴；不停拨弄，乱动 | |
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bide
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| v.忍耐；等候；住 | |
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beseeching
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| adj.恳求似的v.恳求，乞求（某事物）( beseech的现在分词 ) | |
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immediate
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| adj.立即的；直接的，最接近的；紧靠的 | |
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exhorted
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| v.劝告，劝说( exhort的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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reiterated
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| 反复地说，重申( reiterate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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confidential
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| adj.秘（机）密的，表示信任的，担任机密工作的 | |
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intimacy
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| n.熟悉，亲密，密切关系，亲昵的言行 | |
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undertaking
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| n.保证，许诺，事业 | |
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disappearance
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| n.消失，消散，失踪 | |
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47
corrupting
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| （使）败坏( corrupt的现在分词 )； （使）腐化； 引起（计算机文件等的）错误； 破坏 | |
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afflict
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| vt.使身体或精神受痛苦，折磨 | |
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contented
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| adj.满意的，安心的，知足的 | |
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secrecy
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| n.秘密，保密，隐蔽 | |
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51
relish
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| n.滋味，享受，爱好，调味品；vt.加调味料，享受，品味；vi.有滋味 | |
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52
defiled
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| v.玷污( defile的过去式和过去分词 )；污染；弄脏；纵列行进 | |
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agitated
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| adj.被鼓动的，不安的 | |
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repose
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| v.(使)休息；n.安息 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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bind
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| vt.捆，包扎；装订；约束；使凝固；vi.变硬 | |
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expedient
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| adj.有用的，有利的；n.紧急的办法，权宜之计 | |
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58
exhausted
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| adj.极其疲惫的，精疲力尽的 | |
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appellation
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| n.名称，称呼 | |
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maiden
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| n.少女，处女；adj.未婚的，纯洁的，无经验的 | |
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