October 24th. - Thank heaven, I am free and safe at last. Early we rose, swiftly and quietly dressed, slowly and stealthily descended1 to the hall, where Benson stood ready with a light, to open the door and fasten it after us. We were obliged to let one man into our secret on account of the boxes, &c. All the servants were but too well acquainted with their master's conduct, and either Benson or John would have been willing to serve me; but as the former was more staid and elderly, and a crony of Rachel's besides, I of course directed her to make choice of him as her assistant and confidant on the occasion, as far as necessity demanded, I only hope he may not be brought into trouble thereby2, and only wish I could reward him for the perilous3 service he was so ready to undertake. I slipped two guineas into his hand, by way of remembrance, as he stood in the doorway4, holding the candle to light our departure, with a tear in his honest grey eye, and a host of good wishes depicted5 on his solemn countenance6. Alas7! I could offer no more: I had barely sufficient remaining for the probable expenses of the journey.
What trembling joy it was when the little wicket closed behind us, as we issued from the park! Then, for one moment, I paused, to inhale8 one draught9 of that cool, bracing10 air, and venture one look back upon the house. All was dark and still: no light glimmered11 in the windows, no wreath of smoke obscured the stars that sparkled above it in the frosty sky. As I bade farewell for ever to that place, the scene of so much guilt13 and misery14, I felt glad that I had not left it before, for now there was no doubt about the propriety15 of such a step - no shadow of remorse16 for him I left behind. There was nothing to disturb my joy but the fear of detection; and every step removed us further from the chance of that.
We had left Grassdale many miles behind us before the round red sun arose to welcome our deliverance; and if any inhabitant of its vicinity had chanced to see us then, as we bowled along on the top of the coach, I scarcely think they would have suspected our identity. As I intend to be taken for a widow, I thought it advisable to enter my new abode17 in mourning: I was, therefore, attired18 in a plain black silk dress and mantle19, a black veil (which I kept carefully over my face for the first twenty or thirty miles of the journey), and a black silk bonnet20, which I had been constrained21 to borrow of Rachel, for want of such an article myself. It was not in the newest fashion, of course; but none the worse for that, under present circumstances. Arthur was clad in his plainest clothes, and wrapped in a coarse woollen shawl; and Rachel was muffled22 in a grey cloak and hood23 that had seen better days, and gave her more the appearance of an ordinary though decent old woman, than of a lady's-maid.
Oh, what delight it was to be thus seated aloft, rumbling24 along the broad, sunshiny road, with the fresh morning breeze in my face, surrounded by an unknown country, all smiling - cheerfully, gloriously smiling in the yellow lustre25 of those early beams; with my darling child in my arms, almost as happy as myself, and my faithful friend beside me: a prison and despair behind me, receding26 further, further back at every clatter27 of the horses' feet; and liberty and hope before! I could hardly refrain from praising God aloud for my deliverance, or astonishing my fellow- passengers by some surprising outburst of hilarity28.
But the journey was a very long one, and we were all weary enough before the close of it. It was far into the night when we reached the town of L-, and still we were seven miles from our journey's end; and there was no more coaching, nor any conveyance29 to be had, except a common cart, and that with the greatest difficulty, for half the town was in bed. And a dreary30 ride we had of it, that last stage of the journey, cold and weary as we were; sitting on our boxes, with nothing to cling to, nothing to lean against, slowly dragged and cruelly shaken over the rough, hilly roads. But Arthur was asleep in Rachel's lap, and between us we managed pretty well to shield him from the cold night air.
At last we began to ascend31 a terribly steep and stony32 lane, which, in spite of the darkness, Rachel said she remembered well: she had often walked there with me in her arms, and little thought to come again so many years after, under such circumstances as the present. Arthur being now awakened33 by the jolting34 and the stoppages, we all got out and walked. We had not far to go; but what if Frederick should not have received my letter? or if he should not have had time to prepare the rooms for our reception, and we should find them all dark, damp, and comfortless, destitute35 of food, fire, and furniture, after all our toil36?
At length the grim, dark pile appeared before us. The lane conducted us round by the back way. We entered the desolate37 court, and in breathless anxiety surveyed the ruinous mass. Was it all blackness and desolation? No; one faint red glimmer12 cheered us from a window where the lattice was in good repair. The door was fastened, but after due knocking and waiting, and some parleying with a voice from an upper window, we were admitted by an old woman who had been commissioned to air and keep the house till our arrival, into a tolerably snug38 little apartment, formerly39 the scullery of the mansion40, which Frederick had now fitted up as a kitchen. Here she procured41 us a light, roused the fire to a cheerful blaze, and soon prepared a simple repast for our refreshment42; while we disencumbered ourselves of our travelling- gear, and took a hasty survey of our new abode. Besides the kitchen, there were two bedrooms, a good-sized parlour, and another smaller one, which I destined43 for my studio, all well aired and seemingly in good repair, but only partly furnished with a few old articles, chiefly of ponderous44 black oak, the veritable ones that had been there before, and which had been kept as antiquarian relics45 in my brother's present residence, and now, in all haste, transported back again.
The old woman brought my supper and Arthur's into the parlour, and told me, with all due formality, that 'the master desired his compliments to Mrs. Graham, and he had prepared the rooms as well as he could upon so short a notice; but he would do himself the pleasure of calling upon her to-morrow, to receive her further commands.'
I was glad to ascend the stern-looking stone staircase, and lie down in the gloomy, old-fashioned bed, beside my little Arthur. He was asleep in a minute; but, weary as I was, my excited feelings and restless cogitations kept me awake till dawn began to struggle with the darkness; but sleep was sweet and refreshing46 when it came, and the waking was delightful47 beyond expression. It was little Arthur that roused me, with his gentle kisses. He was here, then, safely clasped in my arms, and many leagues away from his unworthy father! Broad daylight illumined the apartment, for the sun was high in heaven, though obscured by rolling masses of autumnal vapour.
The scene, indeed, was not remarkably49 cheerful in itself, either within or without. The large bare room, with its grim old furniture, the narrow, latticed windows, revealing the dull, grey sky above and the desolate wilderness50 below, where the dark stone walls and iron gate, the rank growth of grass and weeds, and the hardy51 evergreens52 of preternatural forms, alone remained to tell that there had been once a garden, - and the bleak53 and barren fields beyond might have struck me as gloomy enough at another time; but now, each separate object seemed to echo back my own exhilarating sense of hope and freedom: indefinite dreams of the far past and bright anticipations54 of the future seemed to greet me at every turn. I should rejoice with more security, to be sure, had the broad sea rolled between my present and my former homes; but surely in this lonely spot I might remain unknown; and then I had my brother here to cheer my solitude55 with his occasional visits.
He came that morning; and I have had several interviews with him since; but he is obliged to be very cautious when and how he comes; not even his servants or his best friends must know of his visits to Wildfell - except on such occasions as a landlord might be expected to call upon a stranger tenant56 - lest suspicion should be excited against me, whether of the truth or of some slanderous57 falsehood.
I have now been here nearly a fortnight, and, but for one disturbing care, the haunting dread58 of discovery, I am comfortably settled in my new home: Frederick has supplied me with all requisite59 furniture and painting materials: Rachel has sold most of my clothes for me, in a distant town, and procured me a wardrobe more suitable to my present position: I have a second-hand60 piano, and a tolerably well-stocked bookcase in my parlour; and my other room has assumed quite a professional, business-like appearance already. I am working hard to repay my brother for all his expenses on my account; not that there is the slightest necessity for anything of the kind, but it pleases me to do so: I shall have so much more pleasure in my labour, my earnings61, my frugal62 fare, and household economy, when I know that I am paying my way honestly, and that what little I possess is legitimately63 all my own; and that no one suffers for my folly64 - in a pecuniary65 way at least. I shall make him take the last penny I owe him, if I can possibly effect it without offending him too deeply. I have a few pictures already done, for I told Rachel to pack up all I had; and she executed her commission but too well - for among the rest, she put up a portrait of Mr. Huntingdon that I had painted in the first year of my marriage. It struck me with dismay, at the moment, when I took it from the box and beheld66 those eyes fixed67 upon me in their mocking mirth, as if exulting68 still in his power to control my fate, and deriding69 my efforts to escape.
How widely different had been my feelings in painting that portrait to what they now were in looking upon it! How I had studied and toiled70 to produce something, as I thought, worthy48 of the original! what mingled71 pleasure and dissatisfaction I had had in the result of my labours! - pleasure for the likeness72 I had caught; dissatisfaction, because I had not made it handsome enough. Now, I see no beauty in it - nothing pleasing in any part of its expression; and yet it is far handsomer and far more agreeable - far less repulsive73 I should rather say - than he is now: for these six years have wrought74 almost as great a change upon himself as on my feelings regarding him. The frame, however, is handsome enough; it will serve for another painting. The picture itself I have not destroyed, as I had first intended; I have put it aside; not, I think, from any lurking75 tenderness for the memory of past affection, nor yet to remind me of my former folly, but chiefly that I may compare my son's features and countenance with this, as he grows up, and thus be enabled to judge how much or how little he resembles his father - if I may be allowed to keep him with me still, and never to behold76 that father's face again - a blessing77 I hardly dare reckon upon.
It seems Mr. Huntingdon is making every exertion78 to discover the place of my retreat. He has been in person to Staningley, seeking redress79 for his grievances80 - expecting to hear of his victims, if not to find them there - and has told so many lies, and with such unblushing coolness, that my uncle more than half believes him, and strongly advocates my going back to him and being friends again. But my aunt knows better: she is too cool and cautious, and too well acquainted with both my husband's character and my own to be imposed upon by any specious81 falsehoods the former could invent. But he does not want me back; he wants my child; and gives my friends to understand that if I prefer living apart from him, he will indulge the whim82 and let me do so unmolested, and even settle a reasonable allowance on me, provided I will immediately deliver up his son. But heaven help me! I am not going to sell my child for gold, though it were to save both him and me from starving: it would be better that he should die with me than that he should live with his father.
Frederick showed me a letter he had received from that gentleman, full of cool impudence83 such as would astonish any one who did not know him, but such as, I am convinced, none would know better how to answer than my brother. He gave me no account of his reply, except to tell me that he had not acknowledged his acquaintance with my place of refuge, but rather left it to be inferred that it was quite unknown to him, by saying it was useless to apply to him, or any other of my relations, for information on the subject, as it appeared I had been driven to such extremity84 that I had concealed85 my retreat even from my best friends; but that if he had known it, or should at any time be made aware of it, most certainly Mr. Huntingdon would be the last person to whom he should communicate the intelligence; and that he need not trouble himself to bargain for the child, for he (Frederick) fancied he knew enough of his sister to enable him to declare, that wherever she might be, or however situated86, no consideration would induce her to deliver him up.
30th. - Alas! my kind neighbours will not let me alone. By some means they have ferreted me out, and I have had to sustain visits from three different families, all more or less bent87 upon discovering who and what I am, whence I came, and why I have chosen such a home as this. Their society is unnecessary to me, to say the least, and their curiosity annoys and alarms me: if I gratify it, it may lead to the ruin of my son, and if I am too mysterious it will only excite their suspicions, invite conjecture88, and rouse them to greater exertions89 - and perhaps be the means of spreading my fame from parish to parish, till it reach the ears of some one who will carry it to the Lord of Grassdale Manor90.
I shall be expected to return their calls, but if, upon inquiry91, I find that any of them live too far away for Arthur to accompany me, they must expect in vain for a while, for I cannot bear to leave him, unless it be to go to church, and I have not attempted that yet: for - it may be foolish weakness, but I am under such constant dread of his being snatched away, that I am never easy when he is not by my side; and I fear these nervous terrors would so entirely92 disturb my devotions, that I should obtain no benefit from the attendance. I mean, however, to make the experiment next Sunday, and oblige myself to leave him in charge of Rachel for a few hours. It will be a hard task, but surely no imprudence; and the vicar has been to scold me for my neglect of the ordinances93 of religion. I had no sufficient excuse to offer, and I promised, if all were well, he should see me in my pew next Sunday; for I do not wish to be set down as an infidel; and, besides, I know I should derive94 great comfort and benefit from an occasional attendance at public worship, if I could only have faith and fortitude95 to compose my thoughts in conformity96 with the solemn occasion, and forbid them to be for ever dwelling97 on my absent child, and on the dreadful possibility of finding him gone when I return; and surely God in His mercy will preserve me from so severe a trial: for my child's own sake, if not for mine, He will not suffer him to be torn away.
November 3rd. - I have made some further acquaintance with my neighbours. The fine gentleman and beau of the parish and its vicinity (in his own estimation, at least) is a young . . . .
* * * * *
Here it ended. The rest was torn away. How cruel, just when she was going to mention me! for I could not doubt it was your humble98 servant she was about to mention, though not very favourably99, of course. I could tell that, as well by those few words as by the recollection of her whole aspect and demeanour towards me in the commencement of our acquaintance. Well! I could readily forgive her prejudice against me, and her hard thoughts of our sex in general, when I saw to what brilliant specimens100 her experience had been limited.
Respecting me, however, she had long since seen her error, and perhaps fallen into another in the opposite extreme: for if, at first, her opinion of me had been lower than I deserved, I was convinced that now my deserts were lower than her opinion; and if the former part of this continuation had been torn away to avoid wounding my feelings, perhaps the latter portion had been removed for fear of ministering too much to my self-conceit. At any rate, I would have given much to have seen it all - to have witnessed the gradual change, and watched the progress of her esteem101 and friendship for me, and whatever warmer feeling she might have; to have seen how much of love there was in her regard, and how it had grown upon her in spite of her virtuous102 resolutions and strenuous103 exertions to - but no, I had no right to see it: all this was too sacred for any eyes but her own, and she had done well to keep it from me.
1 descended | |
a.为...后裔的,出身于...的 | |
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2 thereby | |
adv.因此,从而 | |
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3 perilous | |
adj.危险的,冒险的 | |
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4 doorway | |
n.门口,(喻)入门;门路,途径 | |
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5 depicted | |
描绘,描画( depict的过去式和过去分词 ); 描述 | |
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6 countenance | |
n.脸色,面容;面部表情;vt.支持,赞同 | |
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7 alas | |
int.唉(表示悲伤、忧愁、恐惧等) | |
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8 inhale | |
v.吸入(气体等),吸(烟) | |
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9 draught | |
n.拉,牵引,拖;一网(饮,吸,阵);顿服药量,通风;v.起草,设计 | |
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10 bracing | |
adj.令人振奋的 | |
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11 glimmered | |
v.发闪光,发微光( glimmer的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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12 glimmer | |
v.发出闪烁的微光;n.微光,微弱的闪光 | |
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13 guilt | |
n.犯罪;内疚;过失,罪责 | |
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14 misery | |
n.痛苦,苦恼,苦难;悲惨的境遇,贫苦 | |
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15 propriety | |
n.正当行为;正当;适当 | |
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16 remorse | |
n.痛恨,悔恨,自责 | |
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17 abode | |
n.住处,住所 | |
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18 attired | |
adj.穿着整齐的v.使穿上衣服,使穿上盛装( attire的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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19 mantle | |
n.斗篷,覆罩之物,罩子;v.罩住,覆盖,脸红 | |
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20 bonnet | |
n.无边女帽;童帽 | |
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21 constrained | |
adj.束缚的,节制的 | |
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22 muffled | |
adj.(声音)被隔的;听不太清的;(衣服)裹严的;蒙住的v.压抑,捂住( muffle的过去式和过去分词 );用厚厚的衣帽包着(自己) | |
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23 hood | |
n.头巾,兜帽,覆盖;v.罩上,以头巾覆盖 | |
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24 rumbling | |
n. 隆隆声, 辘辘声 adj. 隆隆响的 动词rumble的现在分词 | |
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25 lustre | |
n.光亮,光泽;荣誉 | |
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26 receding | |
v.逐渐远离( recede的现在分词 );向后倾斜;自原处后退或避开别人的注视;尤指问题 | |
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27 clatter | |
v./n.(使)发出连续而清脆的撞击声 | |
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28 hilarity | |
n.欢乐;热闹 | |
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29 conveyance | |
n.(不动产等的)转让,让与;转让证书;传送;运送;表达;(正)运输工具 | |
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30 dreary | |
adj.令人沮丧的,沉闷的,单调乏味的 | |
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31 ascend | |
vi.渐渐上升,升高;vt.攀登,登上 | |
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32 stony | |
adj.石头的,多石头的,冷酷的,无情的 | |
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33 awakened | |
v.(使)醒( awaken的过去式和过去分词 );(使)觉醒;弄醒;(使)意识到 | |
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34 jolting | |
adj.令人震惊的 | |
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35 destitute | |
adj.缺乏的;穷困的 | |
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36 toil | |
vi.辛劳工作,艰难地行动;n.苦工,难事 | |
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37 desolate | |
adj.荒凉的,荒芜的;孤独的,凄凉的;v.使荒芜,使孤寂 | |
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38 snug | |
adj.温暖舒适的,合身的,安全的;v.使整洁干净,舒适地依靠,紧贴;n.(英)酒吧里的私房 | |
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39 formerly | |
adv.从前,以前 | |
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40 mansion | |
n.大厦,大楼;宅第 | |
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41 procured | |
v.(努力)取得, (设法)获得( procure的过去式和过去分词 );拉皮条 | |
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42 refreshment | |
n.恢复,精神爽快,提神之事物;(复数)refreshments:点心,茶点 | |
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43 destined | |
adj.命中注定的;(for)以…为目的地的 | |
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44 ponderous | |
adj.沉重的,笨重的,(文章)冗长的 | |
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45 relics | |
[pl.]n.遗物,遗迹,遗产;遗体,尸骸 | |
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46 refreshing | |
adj.使精神振作的,使人清爽的,使人喜欢的 | |
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47 delightful | |
adj.令人高兴的,使人快乐的 | |
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48 worthy | |
adj.(of)值得的,配得上的;有价值的 | |
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49 remarkably | |
ad.不同寻常地,相当地 | |
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50 wilderness | |
n.杳无人烟的一片陆地、水等,荒漠 | |
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51 hardy | |
adj.勇敢的,果断的,吃苦的;耐寒的 | |
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52 evergreens | |
n.常青树,常绿植物,万年青( evergreen的名词复数 ) | |
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53 bleak | |
adj.(天气)阴冷的;凄凉的;暗淡的 | |
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54 anticipations | |
预期( anticipation的名词复数 ); 预测; (信托财产收益的)预支; 预期的事物 | |
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55 solitude | |
n. 孤独; 独居,荒僻之地,幽静的地方 | |
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56 tenant | |
n.承租人;房客;佃户;v.租借,租用 | |
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57 slanderous | |
adj.诽谤的,中伤的 | |
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58 dread | |
vt.担忧,忧虑;惧怕,不敢;n.担忧,畏惧 | |
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59 requisite | |
adj.需要的,必不可少的;n.必需品 | |
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60 second-hand | |
adj.用过的,旧的,二手的 | |
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61 earnings | |
n.工资收人;利润,利益,所得 | |
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62 frugal | |
adj.节俭的,节约的,少量的,微量的 | |
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63 legitimately | |
ad.合法地;正当地,合理地 | |
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64 folly | |
n.愚笨,愚蠢,蠢事,蠢行,傻话 | |
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65 pecuniary | |
adj.金钱的;金钱上的 | |
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66 beheld | |
v.看,注视( behold的过去式和过去分词 );瞧;看呀;(叙述中用于引出某人意外的出现)哎哟 | |
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67 fixed | |
adj.固定的,不变的,准备好的;(计算机)固定的 | |
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68 exulting | |
vi. 欢欣鼓舞,狂喜 | |
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69 deriding | |
v.取笑,嘲笑( deride的现在分词 ) | |
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70 toiled | |
长时间或辛苦地工作( toil的过去式和过去分词 ); 艰难缓慢地移动,跋涉 | |
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71 mingled | |
混合,混入( mingle的过去式和过去分词 ); 混进,与…交往[联系] | |
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72 likeness | |
n.相像,相似(之处) | |
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73 repulsive | |
adj.排斥的,使人反感的 | |
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74 wrought | |
v.引起;以…原料制作;运转;adj.制造的 | |
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75 lurking | |
潜在 | |
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76 behold | |
v.看,注视,看到 | |
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77 blessing | |
n.祈神赐福;祷告;祝福,祝愿 | |
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78 exertion | |
n.尽力,努力 | |
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79 redress | |
n.赔偿,救济,矫正;v.纠正,匡正,革除 | |
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80 grievances | |
n.委屈( grievance的名词复数 );苦衷;不满;牢骚 | |
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81 specious | |
adj.似是而非的;adv.似是而非地 | |
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82 whim | |
n.一时的兴致,突然的念头;奇想,幻想 | |
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83 impudence | |
n.厚颜无耻;冒失;无礼 | |
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84 extremity | |
n.末端,尽头;尽力;终极;极度 | |
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85 concealed | |
a.隐藏的,隐蔽的 | |
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86 situated | |
adj.坐落在...的,处于某种境地的 | |
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87 bent | |
n.爱好,癖好;adj.弯的;决心的,一心的 | |
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88 conjecture | |
n./v.推测,猜测 | |
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89 exertions | |
n.努力( exertion的名词复数 );费力;(能力、权力等的)运用;行使 | |
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90 manor | |
n.庄园,领地 | |
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91 inquiry | |
n.打听,询问,调查,查问 | |
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92 entirely | |
ad.全部地,完整地;完全地,彻底地 | |
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93 ordinances | |
n.条例,法令( ordinance的名词复数 ) | |
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94 derive | |
v.取得;导出;引申;来自;源自;出自 | |
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95 fortitude | |
n.坚忍不拔;刚毅 | |
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96 conformity | |
n.一致,遵从,顺从 | |
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97 dwelling | |
n.住宅,住所,寓所 | |
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98 humble | |
adj.谦卑的,恭顺的;地位低下的;v.降低,贬低 | |
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99 favourably | |
adv. 善意地,赞成地 =favorably | |
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100 specimens | |
n.样品( specimen的名词复数 );范例;(化验的)抽样;某种类型的人 | |
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101 esteem | |
n.尊敬,尊重;vt.尊重,敬重;把…看作 | |
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102 virtuous | |
adj.有品德的,善良的,贞洁的,有效力的 | |
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103 strenuous | |
adj.奋发的,使劲的;紧张的;热烈的,狂热的 | |
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