The next morning rose mild and bright, with a promise of summer in the air. The sunlight slanted1 joyously2 down Lily's street, mellowed3 the blistered4 house-front, gilded5 the paintless railings of the door-step, and struck prismatic glories from the panes6 of her darkened window.
When such a day coincides with the inner mood there is intoxication7 in its breath; and Selden, hastening along the street through the squalor of its morning confidences, felt himself thrilling with a youthful sense of adventure. He had cut loose from the familiar shores of habit, and launched himself on uncharted seas of emotion; all the old tests and measures were left behind, and his course was to be shaped by new stars.
That course, for the moment, led merely to Miss Bart's boarding-house; but its shabby door-step had suddenly become the threshold of the untried. As he approached he looked up at the triple row of windows, wondering boyishly which one of them was hers. It was nine o'clock, and the house, being tenanted by workers, already showed an awakened9 front to the street. He remembered afterward10 having noticed that only one blind was down. He noticed too that there was a pot of pansies on one of the window sills, and at once concluded that the window must be hers: it was inevitable11 that he should connect her with the one touch of beauty in the dingy12 scene.
Nine o'clock was an early hour for a visit, but Selden had passed beyond all such conventional observances. He only knew that he must see Lily Bart at once--he had found the word he meant to say to her, and it could not wait another moment to be said. It was strange that it had not come to his lips sooner--that he had let her pass from him the evening before without being able to speak it. But what did that matter, now that a new day had come? It was not a word for twilight13, but for the morning.
Selden ran eagerly up the steps and pulled the bell; and even in his state of self-absorption it came as a sharp surprise to him that the door should open so promptly14. It was still more of a surprise to see, as he entered, that it had been opened by Gerty Farish--and that behind her, in an agitated15 blur16, several other figures ominously17 loomed18.
"Lawrence!" Gerty cried in a strange voice, "how could you get here so quickly?"--and the trembling hand she laid on him seemed instantly to close about his heart.
He noticed the other faces, vague with fear and conjecture--he saw the landlady's imposing19 bulk sway professionally toward him; but he shrank back, putting up his hand, while his eyes mechanically mounted the steep black walnut20 stairs, up which he was immediately aware that his cousin was about to lead him.
A voice in the background said that the doctor might be back at any minute--and that nothing, upstairs, was to be disturbed. Some one else exclaimed: "It was the greatest mercy--" then Selden felt that Gerty had taken him gently by the hand, and that they were to be suffered to go up alone.
In silence they mounted the three flights, and walked along the passage to a closed door. Gerty opened the door, and Selden went in after her. Though the blind was down, the irresistible21 sunlight poured a tempered golden flood into the room, and in its light Selden saw a narrow bed along the wall, and on the bed, with motionless hands and calm unrecognizing face, the semblance22 of Lily Bart.
That it was her real self, every pulse in him ardently23 denied. Her real self had lain warm on his heart but a few hours earlier--what had he to do with this estranged24 and tranquil25 face which, for the first time, neither paled nor brightened at his coming?
Gerty, strangely tranquil too, with the conscious self-control of one who has ministered to much pain, stood by the bed, speaking gently, as if transmitting a final message.
"The doctor found a bottle of chloral--she had been sleeping badly for a long time, and she must have taken an overdose by mistake.... There is no doubt of that--no doubt--there will be no question--he has been very kind. I told him that you and I would like to be left alone with her--to go over her things before any one else comes. I know it is what she would have wished."
Selden was hardly conscious of what she said. He stood looking down on the sleeping face which seemed to lie like a delicate impalpable mask over the living lineaments he had known. He felt that the real Lily was still there, close to him, yet invisible and inaccessible26; and the tenuity of the barrier between them mocked him with a sense of helplessness. There had never been more than a little impalpable barrier between them--and yet he had suffered it to keep them apart! And now, though it seemed slighter and frailer27 than ever, it had suddenly hardened to adamant28, and he might beat his life out against it in vain.
He had dropped on his knees beside the bed, but a touch from Gerty aroused him. He stood up, and as their eyes met he was struck by the extraordinary light in his cousin's face.
"You understand what the doctor has gone for? He has promised that there shall be no trouble--but of course the formalities must be gone through. And I asked him to give us time to look through her things first---"
He nodded, and she glanced about the small bare room. "It won't take long," she concluded.
"No--it won't take long," he agreed.
She held his hand in hers a moment longer, and then, with a last look at the bed, moved silently toward the door. On the threshold she paused to add: "You will find me downstairs if you want me."
Selden roused himself to detain her. "But why are you going? She would have wished---"
Gerty shook her head with a smile. "No: this is what she would have wished---" and as she spoke29 a light broke through Selden's stony30 misery31, and he saw deep into the hidden things of love.
The door closed on Gerty, and he stood alone with the motionless sleeper32 on the bed. His impulse was to return to her side, to fall on his knees, and rest his throbbing33 head against the peaceful cheek on the pillow. They had never been at peace together, they two; and now he felt himself drawn34 downward into the strange mysterious depths of her tranquillity35.
But he remembered Gerty's warning words--he knew that, though time had ceased in this room, its feet were hastening relentlessly36 toward the door. Gerty had given him this supreme37 half-hour, and he must use it as she willed.
He turned and looked about him, sternly compelling himself to regain38 his consciousness of outward things. There was very little furniture in the room. The shabby chest of drawers was spread with a lace cover, and set out with a few gold-topped boxes and bottles, a rose-coloured pin-cushion, a glass tray strewn with tortoise-shell hair-pins--he shrank from the poignant39 intimacy40 of these trifles, and from the blank surface of the toilet-mirror above them.
These were the only traces of luxury, of that clinging to the minute observance of personal seemliness, which showed what her other renunciations must have cost. There was no other token of her personality about the room, unless it showed itself in the scrupulous41 neatness of the scant42 articles of furniture: a washing-stand, two chairs, a small writing-desk, and the little table near the bed. On this table stood the empty bottle and glass, and from these also he averted43 his eyes.
The desk was closed, but on its slanting44 lid lay two letters which he took up. One bore the address of a bank, and as it was stamped and sealed, Selden, after a moment's hesitation45, laid it aside. On the other letter he read Gus Trenor's name; and the flap of the envelope was still ungummed.
Temptation leapt on him like the stab of a knife. He staggered under it, steadying himself against the desk. Why had she been writing to Trenor--writing, presumably, just after their parting of the previous evening? The thought unhallowed the memory of that last hour, made a mock of the word he had come to speak, and defiled46 even the reconciling silence upon which it fell. He felt himself flung back on all the ugly uncertainties47 from which he thought he had cast loose forever. After all, what did he know of her life? Only as much as she had chosen to show him, and measured by the world's estimate, how little that was! By what right--the letter in his hand seemed to ask--by what right was it he who now passed into her confidence through the gate which death had left unbarred? His heart cried out that it was by right of their last hour together, the hour when she herself had placed the key in his hand. Yes--but what if the letter to Trenor had been written afterward?
He put it from him with sudden loathing49, and setting his lips, addressed himself resolutely50 to what remained of his task. After all, that task would be easier to perform, now that his personal stake in it was annulled51.
He raised the lid of the desk, and saw within it a cheque-book and a few packets of bills and letters, arranged with the orderly precision which characterized all her personal habits. He looked through the letters first, because it was the most difficult part of the work. They proved to be few and unimportant, but among them he found, with a strange commotion52 of the heart, the note he had written her the day after the Brys' entertainment.
"When may I come to you?"--his words overwhelmed him with a realization53 of the cowardice54 which had driven him from her at the very moment of attainment55. Yes--he had always feared his fate, and he was too honest to disown his cowardice now; for had not all his old doubts started to life again at the mere8 sight of Trenor's name?
He laid the note in his card-case, folding it away carefully, as something made precious by the fact that she had held it so; then, growing once more aware of the lapse56 of time, he continued his examination of the papers.
To his surprise, he found that all the bills were receipted; there was not an unpaid57 account among them. He opened the cheque-book, and saw that, the very night before, a cheque of ten thousand dollars from Mrs. Peniston's executors had been entered in it. The legacy58, then, had been paid sooner than Gerty had led him to expect. But, turning another page or two, he discovered with astonishment59 that, in spite of this recent accession of funds, the balance had already declined to a few dollars. A rapid glance at the stubs of the last cheques, all of which bore the date of the previous day, showed that between four or five hundred dollars of the legacy had been spent in the settlement of bills, while the remaining thousands were comprehended in one cheque, made out, at the same time, to Charles Augustus Trenor.
Selden laid the book aside, and sank into the chair beside the desk. He leaned his elbows on it, and hid his face in his hands. The bitter waters of life surged high about him, their sterile60 taste was on his lips. Did the cheque to Trenor explain the mystery or deepen it? At first his mind refused to act--he felt only the taint48 of such a transaction between a man like Trenor and a girl like Lily Bart. Then, gradually, his troubled vision cleared, old hints and rumours61 came back to him, and out of the very insinuations he had feared to probe, he constructed an explanation of the mystery. It was true, then, that she had taken money from Trenor; but true also, as the contents of the little desk declared, that the obligation had been intolerable to her, and that at the first opportunity she had freed herself from it, though the act left her face to face with bare unmitigated poverty.
That was all he knew--all he could hope to unravel62 of the story. The mute lips on the pillow refused him more than this--unless indeed they had told him the rest in the kiss they had left upon his forehead. Yes, he could now read into that farewell all that his heart craved63 to find there; he could even draw from it courage not to accuse himself for having failed to reach the height of his opportunity.
He saw that all the conditions of life had conspired64 to keep them apart; since his very detachment from the external influences which swayed her had increased his spiritual fastidiousness, and made it more difficult for him to live and love uncritically. But at least he HAD loved her--had been willing to stake his future on his faith in her--and if the moment had been fated to pass from them before they could seize it, he saw now that, for both, it had been saved whole out of the ruin of their lives.
It was this moment of love, this fleeting65 victory over themselves, which had kept them from atrophy66 and extinction67; which, in her, had reached out to him in every struggle against the influence of her surroundings, and in him, had kept alive the faith that now drew him penitent68 and reconciled to her side.
He knelt by the bed and bent69 over her, draining their last moment to its lees; and in the silence there passed between them the word which made all clear.
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1
slanted
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| 有偏见的； 倾斜的 | |
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joyously
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| ad.快乐地, 高兴地 | |
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mellowed
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| （使）成熟( mellow的过去式和过去分词 )； 使色彩更加柔和，使酒更加醇香 | |
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blistered
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| adj.水疮状的，泡状的v.（使）起水泡( blister的过去式和过去分词 )；（使表皮等）涨破，爆裂 | |
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gilded
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| a.镀金的，富有的 | |
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panes
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| 窗玻璃( pane的名词复数 ) | |
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intoxication
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| n.wild excitement;drunkenness；poisoning | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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awakened
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| v.（使）醒( awaken的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）觉醒；弄醒；（使）意识到 | |
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afterward
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| adv.后来；以后 | |
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inevitable
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| adj.不可避免的，必然发生的 | |
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dingy
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| adj.昏暗的，肮脏的 | |
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twilight
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| n.暮光，黄昏；暮年，晚期，衰落时期 | |
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promptly
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| adv.及时地，敏捷地 | |
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agitated
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| adj.被鼓动的，不安的 | |
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blur
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| n.模糊不清的事物；vt.使模糊，使看不清楚 | |
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ominously
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| adv.恶兆地，不吉利地；预示地 | |
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loomed
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| v.隐约出现，阴森地逼近( loom的过去式和过去分词 )；隐约出现，阴森地逼近 | |
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imposing
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| adj.使人难忘的，壮丽的，堂皇的，雄伟的 | |
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walnut
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| n.胡桃，胡桃木，胡桃色，茶色 | |
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irresistible
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| adj.非常诱人的，无法拒绝的，无法抗拒的 | |
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semblance
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| n.外貌，外表 | |
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ardently
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| adv.热心地，热烈地 | |
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estranged
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| adj.疏远的，分离的 | |
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tranquil
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| adj. 安静的, 宁静的, 稳定的, 不变的 | |
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inaccessible
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| adj.达不到的，难接近的 | |
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frailer
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| 脆弱的( frail的比较级 )； 易损的； 易碎的 | |
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adamant
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| adj.坚硬的，固执的 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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stony
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| adj.石头的，多石头的，冷酷的，无情的 | |
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misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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sleeper
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| n.睡眠者，卧车，卧铺 | |
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throbbing
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| a. 跳动的,悸动的 | |
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drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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tranquillity
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| n. 平静, 安静 | |
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relentlessly
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| adv.不屈不挠地；残酷地；不间断 | |
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supreme
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| adj.极度的，最重要的；至高的，最高的 | |
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regain
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| vt.重新获得，收复，恢复 | |
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poignant
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| adj.令人痛苦的，辛酸的，惨痛的 | |
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intimacy
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| n.熟悉，亲密，密切关系，亲昵的言行 | |
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scrupulous
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| adj.审慎的，小心翼翼的，完全的，纯粹的 | |
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scant
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| adj.不充分的，不足的；v.减缩，限制，忽略 | |
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averted
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| 防止，避免( avert的过去式和过去分词 )； 转移 | |
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slanting
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| 倾斜的，歪斜的 | |
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hesitation
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| n.犹豫，踌躇 | |
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defiled
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| v.玷污( defile的过去式和过去分词 )；污染；弄脏；纵列行进 | |
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47
uncertainties
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| 无把握( uncertainty的名词复数 )； 不确定； 变化不定； 无把握、不确定的事物 | |
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48
taint
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| n.污点；感染；腐坏；v.使感染；污染 | |
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49
loathing
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| n.厌恶，憎恨v.憎恨，厌恶( loathe的现在分词)；极不喜欢 | |
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50
resolutely
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| adj.坚决地，果断地 | |
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51
annulled
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| v.宣告无效( annul的过去式和过去分词 )；取消；使消失；抹去 | |
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52
commotion
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| n.骚动，动乱 | |
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53
realization
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| n.实现；认识到，深刻了解 | |
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54
cowardice
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| n.胆小，怯懦 | |
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attainment
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| n.达到，到达；［常pl.］成就，造诣 | |
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56
lapse
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| n.过失，流逝，失效，抛弃信仰，间隔；vi.堕落，停止，失效，流逝；vt.使失效 | |
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57
unpaid
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| adj.未付款的，无报酬的 | |
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58
legacy
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| n.遗产，遗赠；先人(或过去)留下的东西 | |
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59
astonishment
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| n.惊奇，惊异 | |
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60
sterile
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| adj.不毛的，不孕的，无菌的，枯燥的，贫瘠的 | |
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rumours
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| n.传闻( rumour的名词复数 )；风闻；谣言；谣传 | |
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62
unravel
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| v.弄清楚（秘密）；拆开，解开，松开 | |
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craved
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| 渴望，热望( crave的过去式 )； 恳求，请求 | |
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64
conspired
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| 密谋( conspire的过去式和过去分词 )； 搞阴谋； （事件等）巧合； 共同导致 | |
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65
fleeting
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| adj.短暂的，飞逝的 | |
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atrophy
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| n./v.萎缩，虚脱，衰退 | |
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67
extinction
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| n.熄灭，消亡，消灭，灭绝，绝种 | |
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penitent
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| adj.后悔的；n.后悔者；忏悔者 | |
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bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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