Yet I thought I saw her stand,
A shadow there at my feet,
High over the shadowy land.
—tennyson, Maud (1855)
Perhaps one can find more color for the myth of a rational human behavior in an iron age like the Victorian than in most others. Charles had certainly decided1, after his night of rebellion, to go through with his marriage to Ernestina. It had never seriously entered his mind that he would not; Ma Terpsichore’s and the prostitute had but been, unlikely though it may seem, confirmations2 of that intention—last petulant3 doubts of a thing concluded, last questionings of the unquestionable. He had said as much to himself on his queasy4 return home, which may explain the rough treatment Sam received. As for Sarah ... the other Sarah had been her surrogate, her sad and sordid5 end, and his awakening6.
For all that, he could have wished her letter had shown a clearer guilt—that she had asked for money (but she could hardly have spent ten pounds in so short a time), or poured out her illicit7 feelings for him. But it is difficult to read either passion or despair into the three words. “Endicott’s Family Hotel”; and not even a date, an initial! It was certainly an act of disobedience, a by-passing of Aunt Tranter; but she could hardly be arraigned8 for knocking on his door.
It was easy to decide that the implicit9 invitation must be ignored: he must never see her again. But perhaps Sarah the prostitute had reminded Charles of the uniqueness of Sarah the outcast: that total absence of finer feeling in the one only affirmed its astonishing survival in the other. How shrewd and sensitive she was, in her strange way . . . some of those things she had said after her confession—they haunted one.
He thought a great deal—if recollection is thought—about Sarah on the long journey down to the West. He could not but feel that to have committed her to an institution, howev-er enlightened, would have been a betrayal. I say “her,” but the pronoun is one of the most terrifying masks man has invented; what came to Charles was not a pronoun, but eyes, looks, the line of the hair over a temple, a nimble step, a sleeping face. All this was not daydreaming10, of course; but earnest consideration of a moral problem and caused by an augustly pure solicitude11 for the unfortunate woman’s future welfare.
The train drew into Exeter. Sam appeared, within a brief pause of its final stopping whistle, at the window of the compartment12; he of course had traveled in the third class.
“Are we stayin’ the night, Mr. Charles?”
“No. A carriage. A four-wheeler. It looks like rain.”
Sam had bet himself a thousand pounds that they would stay in Exeter. But he obeyed without hesitation13, just as his master had, at the sight of Sam’s face, decided—and somewhere deep in him a decision had remained to take— without hesitation on his course of action. It was really Sam that had determined14 it: Charles could not face any more prevarication15.
It was only when they were already drawing through the eastern outskirts16 of the city that Charles felt a sense of sadness and of loss, of having now cast the fatal die. It seemed to him astounding17 that one simple decision, one answer to a trivial question, should determine so much. Until that moment, all had been potential; now all was inexorably fixed18. He had done the moral, the decent, the correct thing; and yet it seemed to betray in him some inherent weakness, some willingness to accept his fate, which he knew, by one of those premonitions that are as certain as facts, would one day lead him into the world of commerce; into pleasing Ernestina because she would want to please her father, to whom he owed so much ... he stared at the countryside they had now entered and felt himself sucked slowly through it as if down some monstrous19 pipe.
The carriage rolled on, a loosened spring creaking a little at each jolt20, as mournfully as a tumbril. The evening sky was overcast21 and it had begun to drizzle22. In such circumstances, traveling on his own, Charles would usually have called Sam down and let him sit inside. But he could not face Sam (not that Sam, who saw nothing but gold on the wet road to Lyme, minded the ostracism). It was as if he would never have solitude23 again. What little was left, he must enjoy. He thought again of the woman he had left in the city behind them. He thought of her not, of course, as an alternative to Ernestina; nor as someone he might, had he chosen, have married instead. That would never have been possible. Indeed it was hardly Sarah he now thought of—she was merely the symbol around which had accreted24 all his lost possibilities, his extinct freedoms, his never-to-be-taken journeys. He had to say farewell to something; she was merely and conveniently both close and receding25.
There was no doubt. He was one of life’s victims, one more ammonite caught in the vast movements of history, stranded26 now for eternity27, a potential turned to a fossil.
After a while he committed the ultimate weakness: he fell asleep.
1 decided | |
adj.决定了的,坚决的;明显的,明确的 | |
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2 confirmations | |
证实( confirmation的名词复数 ); 证据; 确认; (基督教中的)坚信礼 | |
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3 petulant | |
adj.性急的,暴躁的 | |
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4 queasy | |
adj.易呕的 | |
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5 sordid | |
adj.肮脏的,不干净的,卑鄙的,暗淡的 | |
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6 awakening | |
n.觉醒,醒悟 adj.觉醒中的;唤醒的 | |
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7 illicit | |
adj.非法的,禁止的,不正当的 | |
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8 arraigned | |
v.告发( arraign的过去式和过去分词 );控告;传讯;指责 | |
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9 implicit | |
a.暗示的,含蓄的,不明晰的,绝对的 | |
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10 daydreaming | |
v.想入非非,空想( daydream的现在分词 ) | |
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11 solicitude | |
n.焦虑 | |
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12 compartment | |
n.卧车包房,隔间;分隔的空间 | |
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13 hesitation | |
n.犹豫,踌躇 | |
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14 determined | |
adj.坚定的;有决心的 | |
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15 prevarication | |
n.支吾;搪塞;说谎;有枝有叶 | |
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16 outskirts | |
n.郊外,郊区 | |
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17 astounding | |
adj.使人震惊的vt.使震惊,使大吃一惊astound的现在分词) | |
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18 fixed | |
adj.固定的,不变的,准备好的;(计算机)固定的 | |
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19 monstrous | |
adj.巨大的;恐怖的;可耻的,丢脸的 | |
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20 jolt | |
v.(使)摇动,(使)震动,(使)颠簸 | |
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21 overcast | |
adj.阴天的,阴暗的,愁闷的;v.遮盖,(使)变暗,包边缝;n.覆盖,阴天 | |
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22 drizzle | |
v.下毛毛雨;n.毛毛雨,蒙蒙细雨 | |
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23 solitude | |
n. 孤独; 独居,荒僻之地,幽静的地方 | |
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24 accreted | |
v.共生( accrete的过去式和过去分词 );合生;使依附;使连接 | |
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25 receding | |
v.逐渐远离( recede的现在分词 );向后倾斜;自原处后退或避开别人的注视;尤指问题 | |
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26 stranded | |
a.搁浅的,进退两难的 | |
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27 eternity | |
n.不朽,来世;永恒,无穷 | |
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