"You have it pretty good, don't you?" Ruth asks him. They have gone on the afternoon of this Memorial Day to the public swimming pool in West Brewer1. She was self?conscious about getting into a bathing suit but in fact when she came out of the bath?house she looked great, her head made small by the bathing cap and her shoulders round and wide. Standing2 in the water she was cut off at the thighs3 like a broken statue. She swam easily, her big legs kicking slowly and her clean arms lifting and her back and bottom shimmering4 black under the jiggled green. Once she stopped and floated, putting her face down in the water in a motion that quickened his heart with its slight danger. Her bottom of its own buoyance floated up and broke the surface, a round black island glistening5 there, a clear image suddenly in the water wavering like a blooey television set: the solid sight swelled6 his heart with pride, made him harden all over with a chill clench7 of ownership. His, she was his, he knew her as well as the water, like the water has been everywhere on her body. When she did the backstroke the water bubbled and broke and poured down her front into her breastcups, flooding her breasts with touch; the arch of her submerged body tightened8; she closed her eyes and moved blindly. Two skinny boys dabbling9 at the shallow end of the pool splashed away from her headfirst approach. She brushed one with a backsweep of her arm, awoke, and squatted10 smiling in the water; her arms waved bonelessly to keep her balance in the nervous tides of the crowded pool. The air sparkled with the scent11 of chlorine. Clean, clean: it came to him what clean was. It was nothing touching12 you that is not your element. Ruth in water, him in grass and air. He is not a water animal. Wet is cold to him. Having dunked, he prefers to sit on the tile edge dipping his feet and imagining that high?school girls behind him are admiring the muscle?play of his broad back; he revolves13 his shoulders and feels the blades stretch his skin in the sun. Ruth wades14 to the end, through water so shallow the checked pattern of the pool floor is refracted to its surface. She climbs the little ladder, shedding water in great palegreen grape?bunches. He scrambles15 back to their blanket and lies down so that when she comes over he sees her standing above him straddling the sky, the black hair high on the insides of her thighs pasted into swirls16 by the water. She tears off her cap and shakes out her hair and bends over for the towel. Water on her back drips over her shoulders. As he watches her rub her arms the smell of grass rises through the blanket and shouts shake the crystalline air. She lies down beside him and closes her eyes and submits to the sun. Her face, seen so close, is built of great flats of skin pressed clean of color except for a burnish17 of yellow that adds to their size mineral weight, the weight of some pure porous18 stone carted straight from quarries19 to temples. Words come from this monumental Ruth in the same scale, as massive wheels rolling to the porches of his ears, as mute coins spinning in the light. "You have it pretty good."
"How so?"
"Oh" ? her words seem slightly delayed in passage from her lips; he sees them move, and then hears ? "look at all you've got. You've got Eccles to play golf with every week and to keep your wife from doing anything to you. You've got your flowers, and you've got Mrs. Smith in love with you. You've got me."
"You think she really is in love with me? Mrs. Smith."
"All I know is what I get from you. You say she is."
"No, I never actually said that. Did I?"
She doesn't bother to answer him out of her huge face, magnified by his drowsy20 contentment.
He repeats, "Did I?" and pinches her arm, hard. He hadn't meant to do it so hard; something angered him at the touch of her skin. The sullen21 way it yielded.
"Ow. You son of a bitch."
Still she lies there, paying more attention to the sun than him. He gets up on an elbow and looks across her dead body to the lighter22 figures of two sixteen?year?olds standing sipping23 orange crush from cardboard cones24. The one in a white strapless peeks25 up at him from sucking her straw with a brown glance, her skinny legs dark as a Negro's. Her hipbones make gaunt peaks on either side of her flat belly26.
"Oh all the world loves you," Ruth says suddenly. "What I wonder is why?"
"I'm lovable," he says.
"I mean why the hell you. What's so special about you?"
"I'm a saint," he says. "I give people faith." Eccles has told him this. Once, with a laugh, probably meaning it sarcastically27. You never knew what Eccles was really meaning; you had to take what you wanted to. Rabbit took this to heart. He never would have thought of it himself. He doesn't think that much about what he gives other people.
"You give me a pain," she says.
"Well I'll be damned." The injustice28: after he was so proud of her in the pool, loved her so much.
"What in hell makes you think you don't have to pull your own weight?"
"What's your kick? I support you."
"The hell you do. I have a job." It's true. A little after he went to work for Mrs. Smith she got a job as a stenographer29 with an insurance company that has a branch in Brewer. He wanted her to; he was nervous about how she'd spend her afternoons with him away. She said she never enjoyed turning tricks; he wasn't so sure. She wasn't exactly suffering when he met her.
"Quit it," he says. "I don't care. Sit around all day reading mysteries. I'll support ja."
"You'll support me. If you're so big why don't you support your wife?"
"Why should I? Her father's rolling in it."
"You're so smug, is what gets me. Don't you ever think you're going to have to pay a price?" She looks at him now, squarely with eyes bloodshot from being in the water. She shades them with her hand. These aren't the eyes he met that night by the parking meters, flat pale discs like a doll might have. The blue of her irises30 has deepened inward and darkened with a richness that, singing the truth to his instincts, disturbs him.
These eyes sting her and she turns her head away to keep down the tears, thinking, That's one of the signs, crying easily. God, at work she has to get up from the typewriter and rush into the john like she had the runs and sob31, sob, sob. Standing there in a booth looking down at a toilet laughing at herself and sobbing32 till her chest hurts. And sleepy. God, after coming back from lunch it's all she can do to keep from stretching out in the aisle33 right there on the linoleum34 floor between Lilly Orff and Rita Fiorvante where slimy?eyed old Honig would have to step over her. And hungry. For lunch an ice?cream soda35 with the sandwich and then a doughnut with the coffee and still she has to buy a candy bar at the cash register. After she's been trying to slim down for him and had lost six pounds, at least one scale said. For him, that was what was rich, changing herself in one direction for him when in his stupidity he was changing her in just the other. He was a menace, for all his mildness. Still he did have the mildness and was the first man she ever met who did. You felt at least you were there for him instead of being something pasted on the inside of their dirty heads. God she used to hate them with their wet mouths and little laughs but when she had it with Harry36 she kind of forgave them all, it was only half their fault, they were a kind of wall she kept battering37 against because she knew there was something there and all of a sudden with Harry there it was and it made everything that had gone before seem pretty unreal. After all nobody had ever really hurt her, left her scarred or anything, and when she tries to remember it it sometimes seems it happened to somebody else. They seemed sort of vague, as if she had kept her eyes shut, vague and pathetic and eager, wanting some business their wives wouldn't give, a few dirty words or a whimper or that business with the mouth. That. What do they see in it? It can't be as deep, she doesn't know. After all it's no worse than them at your bees and why not be generous, the first time it was Harrison and she was drunk as a monkey anyway but when she woke up the next morning wondered what the taste in her mouth was. But that was just being a superstitious38 kid there isn't much taste to it a little like seawater, just harder work than they probably think, women are always working harder than they think. The thing was, they wanted to be admired there. They really did want that. They weren't that ugly but they thought they were. That was the thing that surprised her in high school how ashamed they were really, how grateful they were if you just touched them there and how quick word got around that you would. What did they think, they were monsters? If they'd just thought, they might have known you were curious too, that you could like that strangeness there like they liked yours, no worse than women in their way, all red wrinkles, my God, what was it in the end? No mystery. That was the great thing she discovered, that it was no mystery, just a stuckon?looking bit that made them king and if you went along with it could be good or not so good and anyway put you with them against those others, those little snips39 running around her at hockey in gym like a cow in that blue uniform like a baby suit, she wouldn't wear it in the twelfth grade and took the demerits. God she hated some of those girls with their contractors40 and druggists for fathers. But she got it back at night, taking what they didn't know existed like a queen. Boy, there wasn't any fancy business then, you didn't even need to take off your clothes, just a little rubbing through the cloth, your mouths tasting of the onion on the hamburgers you'd just had at the diner and the car heater ticking as it cooled, through all the cloth, everything, off they'd go. They couldn't have felt much it must have been just the idea of you. All their ideas. Sometimes just French kissing not that she ever really got with that, sloppy41 tongues and nobody can breathe, but all of a sudden you knew from the way their lips went hard and opened and then eased shut and away that it was over. That there was no more push for you and you better back off if you wanted to keep your dress dry. They wrote her name on the lavatory42 walls; she became a song in the school. Allie told her about that, kindly43. But she had some sweet things with Allie; once after school with the sun still up they drove along a country road and up an old lane and stopped in a leafy place where they could see Mt. Judge, the town against the mountain, both dim in the distance, and he put his head in her lap, her sweater rolled up and her bra undone44, and it was like a baby gently, her bees (who called them her bees? not Allie) firmer and rounder then, more sensitive; his waiting wet mouth so happy and blind and the birds making their warm noises overhead in the sunshine. Allie blabbed. He had to blab. She forgave him but it made her wiser. She began the older ones; the mistake if there was one but why not? Why not? was the question and still held; wondering if there was a mistake makes her tired just thinking, lying wet from swimming and seeing red through her eyelids45, trying to move back through all that red wondering if she was wrong. She was wise. With them, being young did for being pretty, and them being older it wasn't such a rush. Boy some bastards47 you think never, like their little contribution's the greatest thing the world's ever going to see if it ever gets here.
But this one. What a nut. She wonders what he has. He's beautiful for a man, soft and uncircumcised lying sideways in his fleece and then like an angel's horn, he fits her tight but it must be more than that, and it isn't just him being so boyish and bringing her bongo drums and saying sweet grateful things because he has a funny power over her too; when they're good together she feels like next to nothing with him and that must be it, that must be what she was looking for. To feel like next to nothing with a man. Boy that first night when he said that so sort of proudly "Hey" she didn't mind so much going under in fact it felt like she should. She forgave them all then, his face all their faces gathered into a scared blur48 and it felt like she was falling under to something better than she was. But then after all it turns out he's not so different, hanging on you all depressed49 and lovey and then when he's had it turning his back to think of something else. Men don't live by it the way a woman must. It's getting quicker and quicker more like a habit, he really hurries now when he senses or she tells him she's lost it. Then she can just lie there and in a way listen and it's soothing50; but then she can't go to sleep afterwards. Some nights he tries to bring her up but she's just so sleepy and so heavy down there it's nothing; sometimes she just wants to push him off and shake him and shout, I can't, you dope, don't you know you're a father! But no. She mustn't tell him. Saying a word would make it final; it's just been one period and the next is coming up in a day maybe she'll have it and then she won't have anything. As much of a mess as it is she doesn't know how happy that would make her really. At least this way she's doing something, sending those candy bars down. God she isn't even sure she doesn't want it because he wants it from the way he acts, with his damn no stripper just a nice clean piece. She isn't even sure she didn't just deliberately51 bring it on by falling asleep under his arm just to show the smug bastard46. For the thing about him he didn't mind her getting up when he was asleep and crawling into the cold bathroom just so long as he didn't have to watch anything or do anything. That was the thing about him, he just lived in his skin and didn't give a thought to the consequences of anything. Tell him about the candy bars and feeling sleepy he'll probably get scared and off he'll go, him and his good clean piece and his cute little God and his cute little minister playing golf every Tuesday. For the damnedest thing about that minister was that, before, Rabbit at least had the idea he was acting52 wrong but now he's got the idea he's Jesus Christ out to save the world just by doing whatever comes into his head. I'd like to get hold of the bishop53 or whoever and tell him that minister of his is a menace. Filling poor Rabbit full of something nobody can get at and even now, filling her ear, his soft cocksure voice answers her question with an idle remote smugness that infuriates her so the tears do come.
"I'll tell you," he says. "When I ran from Janice I made an interesting discovery." The tears bubble over her lids and the salty taste of the pool?water is sealed into her mouth. "If you have the guts54 to be yourself," he says, "other people'll pay your price."
收听单词发音 |
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brewer
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| n. 啤酒制造者 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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thighs
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| n.股，大腿( thigh的名词复数 )；食用的鸡（等的）腿 | |
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shimmering
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| v.闪闪发光，发微光( shimmer的现在分词 ) | |
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glistening
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| adj.闪耀的，反光的v.湿物闪耀，闪亮( glisten的现在分词 ) | |
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swelled
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| 增强( swell的过去式和过去分词 )； 肿胀； （使）凸出； 充满（激情） | |
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clench
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| vt.捏紧（拳头等），咬紧（牙齿等），紧紧握住 | |
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tightened
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| 收紧( tighten的过去式和过去分词 )； （使）变紧； （使）绷紧； 加紧 | |
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dabbling
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| v.涉猎( dabble的现在分词 )；涉足；浅尝；少量投资 | |
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squatted
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| v.像动物一样蹲下( squat的过去式和过去分词 )；非法擅自占用（土地或房屋）；为获得其所有权；而占用某片公共用地。 | |
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scent
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| n.气味，香味，香水，线索，嗅觉；v.嗅，发觉 | |
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touching
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| adj.动人的，使人感伤的 | |
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revolves
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| v.（使）旋转( revolve的第三人称单数 )；细想 | |
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wades
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| （从水、泥等）蹚，走过，跋( wade的第三人称单数 ) | |
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scrambles
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| n.抢夺( scramble的名词复数 )v.快速爬行( scramble的第三人称单数 )；攀登；争夺；（军事飞机）紧急起飞 | |
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swirls
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| n.旋转( swirl的名词复数 )；卷状物；漩涡；尘旋v.旋转，打旋( swirl的第三人称单数 ) | |
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burnish
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| v.磨光；使光滑 | |
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porous
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| adj.可渗透的，多孔的 | |
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quarries
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| n.（采）石场( quarry的名词复数 )；猎物（指鸟，兽等）；方形石；（格窗等的）方形玻璃v.从采石场采得( quarry的第三人称单数 )；从（书本等中）努力发掘（资料等）；在采石场采石 | |
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drowsy
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| adj.昏昏欲睡的，令人发困的 | |
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sullen
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| adj.愠怒的，闷闷不乐的，(天气等)阴沉的 | |
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lighter
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| n.打火机，点火器；驳船；v.用驳船运送；light的比较级 | |
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sipping
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| v.小口喝，呷，抿( sip的现在分词 ) | |
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cones
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| n.（人眼）圆锥细胞；圆锥体( cone的名词复数 )；球果；圆锥形东西；（盛冰淇淋的）锥形蛋卷筒 | |
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peeks
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| n.偷看，窥视( peek的名词复数 )v.很快地看( peek的第三人称单数 )；偷看；窥视；微露出 | |
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belly
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| n.肚子，腹部；(像肚子一样)鼓起的部分，膛 | |
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sarcastically
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| adv.挖苦地，讽刺地 | |
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injustice
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| n.非正义，不公正，不公平，侵犯（别人的）权利 | |
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stenographer
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| n.速记员 | |
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irises
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| n.虹( iris的名词复数 )；虹膜；虹彩；鸢尾（花） | |
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sob
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| n.空间轨道的轰炸机；呜咽，哭泣 | |
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sobbing
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| <主方>Ⅰ adj.湿透的 | |
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aisle
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| n.（教堂、教室、戏院等里的）过道，通道 | |
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linoleum
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| n.油布，油毯 | |
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soda
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| n.苏打水；汽水 | |
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harry
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| vt.掠夺，蹂躏，使苦恼 | |
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battering
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| n.用坏，损坏v.连续猛击( batter的现在分词 ) | |
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superstitious
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| adj.迷信的 | |
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snips
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| n.（剪金属板的）铁剪，铁铗；剪下之物( snip的名词复数 )；一点点；零星v.剪( snip的第三人称单数 ) | |
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contractors
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| n.（建筑、监造中的）承包人( contractor的名词复数 ) | |
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sloppy
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| adj.邋遢的，不整洁的 | |
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lavatory
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| n.盥洗室，厕所 | |
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kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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undone
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| a.未做完的，未完成的 | |
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eyelids
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| n.眼睑( eyelid的名词复数 )；眼睛也不眨一下；不露声色；面不改色 | |
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bastard
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| n.坏蛋，混蛋；私生子 | |
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bastards
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| 私生子( bastard的名词复数 )； 坏蛋； 讨厌的事物； 麻烦事 （认为别人走运或不幸时说）家伙 | |
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48
blur
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| n.模糊不清的事物；vt.使模糊，使看不清楚 | |
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depressed
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| adj.沮丧的，抑郁的，不景气的，萧条的 | |
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soothing
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| adj.慰藉的；使人宽心的；镇静的 | |
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deliberately
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| adv.审慎地；蓄意地；故意地 | |
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52
acting
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| n.演戏，行为，假装；adj.代理的，临时的，演出用的 | |
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bishop
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| n.主教，（国际象棋）象 | |
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guts
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| v.狼吞虎咽，贪婪地吃，飞碟游戏（比赛双方每组5人，相距15码，互相掷接飞碟）；毁坏（建筑物等）的内部( gut的第三人称单数 )；取出…的内脏n.勇气( gut的名词复数 )；内脏；消化道的下段；肠 | |
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