DESPITE THE late addition of chopped fresh mint to a blend of melted chocolate, egg yolk1, coconut2 milk, rum, gin, crushed banana and icing sugar, the cocktail3 was not particularly refreshing4. Appetites already cloyed5 by the night’s heat were further diminished. Nearly all the adults entering the airless dining room were nauseated6 by the prospect7 of a roast dinner, or even roast meat with salad, and would have been content with a glass of cool water. But water was available only to the children, while the rest were to revive themselves with a dessert wine at room temperature. Three bottles stood ready opened on the table—in Jack8 Tallis’s absence Betty usually made an inspired guess. None of the three tall windows would open because their frames had warped9 long ago, and an aroma10 of warmed dust from the Persian carpet rose to meet the diners as they entered. One comfort was that the fishmonger’s van bringing the first course of dressed crab11 had broken down.
The effect of suffocation12 was heightened by the dark-stained paneling reaching from the floor and covering the ceiling, and by the room’s only painting, a vast canvas that hung above a fireplace unlit since its construction—a fault in the architectural drawings had left no provision for a flue or chimney. The portrait, in the style of Gainsborough, showed an aristocratic family—parents, two teenage girls and an infant, all thin-lipped, and pale as ghouls—posed before a vaguely13 Tuscan landscape. No one knew who these people were, but it was likely that Harry14 Tallis thought they would lend an impression of solidity to his household.
Emily stood at the head of the table placing the diners as they came in. She put Leon on her right, and Paul Marshall on her left. To his right Leon had Briony and the twins, while Marshall had Cecilia on his left, then Robbie, then Lola. Robbie stood behind his chair, gripping it for support, amazed that no one appeared to hear his still-thudding heart. He had escaped the cocktail, but he too had no appetite. He turned slightly to face away from Cecilia, and as the others took their places noted15 with relief that he was seated down among the children.
Prompted by a nod from his mother, Leon muttered a short suspended grace—For what we are about to receive—to which the scrape of chairs was the amen. The silence that followed as they settled and unfolded their napkins would easily have been dispersed18 by Jack Tallis introducing some barely interesting topic while Betty went around with the beef. Instead, the diners watched and listened to her as she stooped murmuring at each place, scraping the serving spoon and fork across the silver platter. What else could they attend to, when the only other business in the room was their own silence? Emily Tallis had always been incapable19 of small talk and didn’t much care. Leon, entirely20 at one with himself, lolled in his chair, wine bottle in hand, studying its label. Cecilia was lost to the events of ten minutes before and could not have composed a simple sentence. Robbie was familiar with the household and would have started something off, but he too was in turmoil21. It was enough that he could pretend to ignore Cecilia’s bare arm at his side—he could feel its heat—and the hostile gaze of Briony who sat diagonally across from him. And even if it had been considered proper for children to introduce a topic, they too would have been incapable: Briony could think only of what she had witnessed, Lola was subdued22 both by the shock of physical assault and an array of contradictory23 emotions, and the twins were absorbed in a plan.
It was Paul Marshall who broke more than three minutes of asphyxiating24 silence. He moved back in his chair to speak behind Cecilia’s head to Robbie.
“I say, are we still on for tennis tomorrow?”
There was a two-inch scratch, Robbie noticed, from the corner of Marshall’s eye, running parallel to his nose, drawing attention to the way his features were set high up in his face, bunched up under the eyes. Only fractions of an inch kept him from cruel good looks. Instead, his appearance was absurd—the empty tract25 of his chin was at the expense of a worried, overpopulated forehead. Out of politeness, Robbie too had moved back in his seat to hear the remark, but even in his state he flinched26. It was inappropriate, at the beginning of the meal, for Marshall to turn away from his hostess and begin a private conversation.
Robbie said tersely27, “I suppose we are,” and then, to make amends29 for him, added for general consideration, “Has England ever been hotter?”
Leaning away from the field of Cecilia’s body warmth, and averting30 his eyes from Briony’s, he found himself pitching the end of his question into the frightened gaze of Pierrot diagonally to his left. The boy gaped31, and struggled, as he might in the classroom, with a test in history. Or was it geography? Or science?
Briony leaned over Jackson to touch Pierrot’s shoulder, all the while keeping her eyes on Robbie. “Please leave him alone,” she said in a forceful whisper, and then to the little boy, softly, “You don’t have to answer.”
Emily spoke32 up from her end of the table. “Briony, it was a perfectly33 bland34 remark about the weather. You’ll apologize, or go now to your room.”
Whenever Mrs. Tallis exercised authority in the absence of her husband, the children felt obliged to protect her from seeming ineffectual. Briony, who in any case would not have left her sister undefended, lowered her head and said to the tablecloth35, “I’m very sorry. I wish I hadn’t said it.”
The vegetables in lidded serving dishes, or on platters of faded Spode, were passed up and down, and such was the collective inattention or the polite desire to conceal36 a lack of appetite that most ended with roast potatoes and potato salad, Brussels sprouts37 and beetroot, and lettuce38 leaves foundering39 in gravy40.
“The Old Man’s not going to be too pleased,” Leon said as he got to his feet. “It’s a 1921 Barsac, but it’s open now.” He filled his mother’s glass, then his sister’s and Marshall’s, and when he was standing41 by Robbie he said, “And a healing draft for the good doctor. I want to hear about this new plan.”
But he did not wait for a reply. On his way back to his seat he said, “I love England in a heat wave. It’s a different country. All the rules change.”
Emily Tallis picked up her knife and fork and everyone did likewise.
Paul Marshall said, “Nonsense. Name a single rule that changes.”
“All right. At the club the only place one’s allowed to remove one’s jacket is the billiard room. But if the temperature reaches ninety degrees before three o’clock, then jackets can be taken off in the upstairs bar the following day.”
“The following day! A different country indeed.”
“You know what I mean. People are more at ease—a couple of days’ sunshine and we become Italians. Last week in Charlotte Street they were eating dinner at pavement tables.”
“It was always the view of my parents,” Emily said, “that hot weather encouraged loose morals among young people. Fewer layers of clothing, a thousand more places to meet. Out of doors, out of control. Your grandmother especially was uneasy when it was summer. She would dream up a thousand reasons to keep my sisters and me in the house.”
“Well then,” Leon said. “What do you think, Cee? Have you behaved even worse than usual today?”
All eyes were on her, and the brotherly banter42 was relentless43.
“Good heavens, you’re blushing. The answer must be yes.”
Sensing that he should step in for her, Robbie started to say, “Actually . . .”
But Cecilia spoke up. “I’m awfully44 hot, that’s all. And the answer is yes. I behaved very badly. I persuaded Emily against her will that we should have a roast in your honor, regardless of the weather. Now you’re sticking to salad while the rest of us are suffering because of you. So pass him the vegetables, Briony, and perhaps he’ll pipe down.”
Robbie thought he heard a tremor45 in her voice.
“Good old Cee. Top form,” Leon said.
Marshall said, “That’s put you in your place.”
“I suppose I’d better pick on someone smaller.” Leon smiled at Briony by his side. “Have you done something bad today on account of the terrible heat? Have you broken the rules? Please tell us you have.” He took her hand in mock-beseeching, but she pulled it away.
She was still a child, Robbie thought, not beyond confessing or blurting46 out that she had read his note, which in turn could lead her to describe what she had interrupted. He was watching her closely as she played for time, taking her napkin, dabbing47 her lips, but he felt no particular dread48. If it had to, let it happen. However appalling49, the dinner would not last forever, and he would find a way to be with Cecilia again that night, and together they would confront the extraordinary new fact in their lives—their changed lives—and resume. At the thought, his stomach plunged50. Until that time, everything was shadowy irrelevance51 and he was afraid of nothing. He took a deep pull of the sugary lukewarm wine and waited.
Briony said, “It’s boring of me, but I’ve done nothing wrong today.”
He had underestimated her. The emphasis could only have been intended for him and her sister.
Jackson at her elbow spoke out. “Oh yes you have. You wouldn’t let there be a play. We wanted to be in the play.” The boy looked around the table, his green eyes shining with the grievance52. “And you said you wanted us to.”
His brother was nodding. “Yes. You wanted us to be in it.” No one could know the extent of their disappointment.
“There, you see,” Leon said. “Briony’s hotheaded decision. On a cooler day we’d be in the library watching the theatricals54 now.”
These harmless inanities55, far preferable to silence, allowed Robbie to retreat behind a mask of amused attention. Cecilia’s left hand was cupped above her cheek, presumably to exclude him from her peripheral56 vision. By appearing to listen to Leon who was now recounting his glimpse of the King in a West End theater, Robbie was able to contemplate57 her bare arm and shoulder, and while he did so he thought she could feel his breath on her skin, an idea which stirred him. At the top of her shoulder was a little dent58, scalloped in the bone, or suspended between two bones, with a fuzz of shadow along its rim59. His tongue would soon trace the oval of this rim and push into the hollow. His excitement was close to pain and sharpened by the pressure of contradictions: she was familiar like a sister, she was exotic like a lover; he had always known her, he knew nothing about her; she was plain, she was beautiful; she was capable—how easily she protected herself against her brother—and twenty minutes ago she had wept; his stupid letter repelled60 her but it unlocked her. He regretted it, and he exulted61 in his mistake. They would be alone together soon, with more contradictions—hilarity and sensuousness62, desire and fear at their recklessness, awe64 and impatience65 to begin. In an unused room somewhere on the second floor, or far from the house, beneath the trees by the river. Which? Mrs. Tallis’s mother was no fool. Outdoors. They would wrap themselves in the satin darkness and begin again. And this was no fantasy, this was real, this was his near future, both desirable and unavoidable. But that was what wretched Malvolio thought, whose part he had played once on the college lawn—“Nothing that can be can come between me and the full prospect of my hopes.”
Half an hour before there had been no hope at all. After Briony had disappeared into the house with his letter, he kept on walking, agonizing66 about turning back. Even when he reached the front door, his mind was not made up, and he loitered several minutes under the porch lamp and its single faithful moth16, trying to choose the less disastrous67 of two poor options. It came down to this: go in now and face her anger and disgust, give an explanation which would not be accepted, and most likely be turned away—unbearable68 humiliation69; or go home now without a word, leaving the impression that the letter was what he intended, be tortured all night and for days to come by brooding, knowing nothing of her reaction—even more unbearable. And spineless. He went over it again and it looked the same. There was no way out, he would have to speak to her. He put his hand over the bell push. Still, it remained tempting71 to walk away. He could write her an apology from the safety of his study. Coward! The cool porcelain72 was under the tip of his forefinger73, and before the arguments could start around again, he made himself press it. He stood back from the door feeling like a man who had just swallowed a suicide pill—nothing to do but wait. From inside he heard steps, staccato female steps across the hall.
When she opened the door he saw the folded note in her hand. For several seconds they continued to stare at each other and neither spoke. For all his hesitation74 he had prepared nothing to say. His only thought was that she was even more beautiful than his fantasies of her. The silk dress she wore seemed to worship every curve and dip of her lithe75 body, but the small sensual mouth was held tight in disapproval76, or perhaps even disgust. The house lights behind her were strong in his eyes, making it hard to read her precise expression.
Finally he said, “Cee, it was a mistake.”
“A mistake?”
Voices reached him across the hallway through the open door of the drawing room. He heard Leon’s voice, then Marshall’s. It may have been fear of interruption that caused her to step back and open the door wider for him. He followed her across the hall into the library which was in darkness, and waited by the door while she searched for the switch of a desk lamp. When it came on he pushed the door closed behind him. He guessed that in a few minutes he would be walking back across the park toward the bungalow77.
“It wasn’t the version I intended to send.”
“No.”
“I put the wrong one in the envelope.”
“Yes.”
He could gauge78 nothing by these terse28 replies and he was still unable to see her expression clearly. She moved beyond the light, down past the shelves. He stepped further into the room, not quite following her, but unwilling79 to let her out of close range. She could have sent him packing from the front door and now there was a chance of giving an explanation before he left.
She said, “Briony read it.”
“Oh God. I’m sorry.”
He had been about to conjure80 for her a private moment of exuberance81, a passing impatience with convention, a memory of reading the Orioli edition of Lady Chatterley’s Lover, which he had bought under the counter in Soho. But this new element—the innocent child—put his lapse82 beyond mitigation. It would have been frivolous83 to go on. He could only repeat himself, this time in a whisper.
“I’m sorry . . .”
She was moving further away, toward the corner, into deeper shadow. Even though he thought she was recoiling84 from him, he took another couple of steps in her direction.
“It was a stupid thing. You were never meant to read it. No one was.”
Still she shrank away. One elbow was resting on the shelves, and she seemed to slide along them, as though about to disappear between the books. He heard a soft, wet sound, the kind that is made when one is about to speak and the tongue unglues from the roof of the mouth. But she said nothing. It was only then that it occurred to him that she might not be shrinking from him, but drawing him with her deeper into the gloom. From the moment he had pressed the bell he had nothing to lose. So he walked toward her slowly as she slipped back, until she was in the corner where she stopped and watched him approach. He too stopped, less than four feet away. He was close enough now, and there was just enough light, to see she was tearful and trying to speak. For the moment it was not possible and she shook her head to indicate that he should wait. She turned aside and made a steeple of her hands to enclose her nose and mouth and pressed her fingers into the corners of her eyes.
She brought herself under control and said, “It’s been there for weeks . . .” Her throat constricted85 and she had to pause. Instantly, he had an idea what she meant, but he pushed it away. She drew a deep breath, then continued more reflectively, “Perhaps it’s months. I don’t know. But today . . . all day it’s been strange. I mean, I’ve been seeing strangely, as if for the first time. Everything has looked different—too sharp, too real. Even my own hands looked different. At other times I seem to be watching events as if they happened long ago. And all day I’ve been furious with you—and with myself. I thought that I’d be perfectly happy never seeing you or speaking to you again. I thought you’d go off to medical school and I’d be happy. I was so angry with you. I suppose it’s been a way of not thinking about it. Rather convenient really . . .”
She gave a tense little laugh.
He said, “It?”
Until now, her gaze had been lowered. When she spoke again she looked at him. He saw only the glimmer86 of the whites of her eyes.
“You knew before me. Something has happened, hasn’t it? And you knew before me. It’s like being close up to something so large you don’t even see it. Even now, I’m not sure I can. But I know it’s there.”
She looked down and he waited.
“I know it’s there because it made me behave ridiculously. And you, of course . . . But this morning, I’ve never done anything like that before. Afterward87 I was so angry about it. Even as it was happening. I told myself I’d given you a weapon to use against me. Then, this evening, when I began to understand—well, how could I have been so ignorant about myself? And so stupid?” She started, seized by an unpleasant idea. “You do know what I’m talking about. Tell me you do.” She was afraid that there was nothing shared at all, that all her assumptions were wrong and that with her words she had isolated88 herself further, and he would think she was a fool.
He moved nearer. “I do. I know it exactly. But why are you crying? Is there something else?”
He thought she was about to broach89 an impossible obstacle and he meant, of course, someone, but she didn’t understand. She didn’t know how to answer and she looked at him, quite flummoxed. Why was she crying? How could she begin to tell him when so much emotion, so many emotions, simply engulfed90 her? He in turn felt that his question was unfair, inappropriate, and he struggled to think of a way of putting it right. They stared at each other in confusion, unable to speak, sensing that something delicately established might slip from them. That they were old friends who had shared a childhood was now a barrier—they were embarrassed before their former selves. Their friendship had become vague and even constrained91 in recent years, but it was still an old habit, and to break it now in order to become strangers on intimate terms required a clarity of purpose which had temporarily deserted92 them. For the moment, there seemed no way out with words.
He put his hands on her shoulders, and her bare skin was cool to the touch. As their faces drew closer he was uncertain enough to think she might spring away, or hit him, movie-style, across the cheek with her open hand. Her mouth tasted of lipstick93 and salt. They drew away for a second, he put his arms around her and they kissed again with greater confidence. Daringly, they touched the tips of their tongues, and it was then she made the falling, sighing sound which, he realized later, marked a transformation94. Until that moment, there was still something ludicrous about having a familiar face so close to one’s own. They felt watched by their bemused childhood selves. But the contact of tongues, alive and slippery muscle, moist flesh on flesh, and the strange sound it drew from her, changed that. This sound seemed to enter him, pierce him down his length so that his whole body opened up and he was able to step out of himself and kiss her freely. What had been self-conscious was now impersonal95, almost abstract. The sighing noise she made was greedy and made him greedy too. He pushed her hard into the corner, between the books. As they kissed she was pulling at his clothes, plucking ineffectually at his shirt, his waistband. Their heads rolled and turned against one another as their kissing became a gnawing96. She bit him on the cheek, not quite playfully. He pulled away, then moved back and she bit him hard on his lower lip. He kissed her throat, forcing back her head against the shelves, she pulled his hair and pushed his face down against her breasts. There was some inexpert fumbling97 until he found her nipple, tiny and hard, and put his mouth around it. Her spine70 went rigid98, then juddered along its length. For a moment he thought she had passed out. Her arms were looped around his head and when she tightened99 her grip he rose through it, desperate to breathe, up to his full height and enfolded her, crushing her head against his chest. She bit him again and pulled at his shirt. When they heard a button ping against the floorboards, they had to suppress their grins and look away. Comedy would have destroyed them. She trapped his nipple between her teeth. The sensation was unbearable. He tilted101 her face up, and trapping her against his ribs102, kissed her eyes and parted her lips with his tongue. Her helplessness drew from her again the sound like a sigh of disappointment.
At last they were strangers, their pasts were forgotten. They were also strangers to themselves who had forgotten who or where they were. The library door was thick and none of the ordinary sounds that might have reminded them, might have held them back, could reach them. They were beyond the present, outside time, with no memories and no future. There was nothing but obliterating103 sensation, thrilling and swelling104, and the sound of fabric105 on fabric and skin on fabric as their limbs slid across each other in this restless, sensuous63 wrestling. His experience was limited and he knew only at second hand that they need not lie down. As for her, beyond all the films she had seen, and all the novels and lyrical poems she had read, she had no experience at all. Despite these limitations, it did not surprise them how clearly they knew their own needs. They were kissing again, her arms were clasped behind his head. She was licking his ear, then biting his earlobe. Cumulatively106, these bites aroused him and enraged107 him, goaded108 him. Under her dress he felt for her buttocks and squeezed hard, and half turned her to give her a retaliatory109 slap, but there wasn’t quite the space. Keeping her eyes fixed110 on his, she reached down to remove her shoes. There was more fumbling now, with buttons and positioning of legs and arms. She had no experience at all. Without speaking, he guided her foot onto the lowest shelf. They were clumsy, but too selfless now to be embarrassed. When he lifted the clinging, silky dress again he thought her look of uncertainty111 mirrored his own. But there was only one inevitable112 end, and there was nothing they could do but go toward it.
Supported against the corner by his weight, she once again clasped her hands behind his neck, and rested her elbows on his shoulder and continued to kiss his face. The moment itself was easy. They held their breath before the membrane113 parted, and when it did she turned away quickly, but made no sound—it seemed to be a point of pride. They moved closer, deeper and then, for seconds on end, everything stopped. Instead of an ecstatic frenzy114, there was stillness. They were stilled not by the astonishing fact of arrival, but by an awed115 sense of return—they were face to face in the gloom, staring into what little they could see of each other’s eyes, and now it was the impersonal that dropped away. Of course, there was nothing abstract about a face. The son of Grace and Ernest Turner, the daughter of Emily and Jack Tallis, the childhood friends, the university acquaintances, in a state of expansive, tranquil116 joy, confronted the momentous117 change they had achieved. The closeness of a familiar face was not ludicrous, it was wondrous118. Robbie stared at the woman, the girl he had always known, thinking the change was entirely in himself, and was as fundamental, as fundamentally biological, as birth. Nothing as singular or as important had happened since the day of his birth. She returned his gaze, struck by the sense of her own transformation, and overwhelmed by the beauty in a face which a lifetime’s habit had taught her to ignore. She whispered his name with the deliberation of a child trying out the distinct sounds. When he replied with her name, it sounded like a new word—the syllables119 remained the same, the meaning was different. Finally he spoke the three simple words that no amount of bad art or bad faith can ever quite cheapen. She repeated them, with exactly the same slight emphasis on the second word, as though she had been the one to say them first. He had no religious belief, but it was impossible not to think of an invisible presence or witness in the room, and that these words spoken aloud were like signatures on an unseen contract.
They had been motionless for perhaps as long as half a minute. Longer would have required the mastery of some formidable tantric art. They began to make love against the library shelves which creaked with their movement. It is common enough at such times to fantasize arriving in a remote and high place. He imagined himself strolling on a smooth, rounded mountain summit, suspended between two higher peaks. He was in an unhurried, reconnoitering mood, with time to go to a rocky edge and take a glimpse of the near-vertical scree down which he would shortly have to throw himself. It was a temptation to leap into clear space now, but he was a man of the world and he could walk away, and wait. It was not easy, for he was being drawn120 back and he had to resist. As long as he did not think of the edge, he would not go near it, and would not be tempted121. He forced himself to remember the dullest things he knew—bootblack, an application form, a wet towel on his bedroom floor. There was also an upturned dustbin lid with an inch of rainwater inside, and the incomplete tea-ring stain on the cover of his Housman poems. This precious inventory122 was interrupted by the sound of her voice. She was calling to him, inviting123 him, murmuring in his ear. Exactly so. They would jump together. He was with her now, peering into an abyss, and they saw how the scree plunged down through the cloud cover. Hand in hand, they would fall backward. She repeated herself, mumbling124 in his ear, and this time he heard her clearly.
“Someone’s come in.”
He opened his eyes. It was a library, in a house, in total silence. He was wearing his best suit. Yes, it all came back to him with relative ease. He strained to look over his shoulder and saw only the dimly illuminated125 desk, there as before, as though remembered from a dream. From where they were in their corner, it was not possible to see the door. But there was no sound, not a thing. She was mistaken, he was desperate for her to be mistaken and she actually was. He turned back to her, and was about to tell her so, when she tightened her grip on his arm and he looked back once more. Briony moved slowly into their view, stopped by the desk and saw them. She stood there stupidly, staring at them, her arms hanging loose at her sides, like a gunslinger in a Western showdown. In that shrinking moment he discovered that he had never hated anyone until now. It was a feeling as pure as love, but dispassionate and icily rational. There was nothing personal about it, for he would have hated anyone who came in. There were drinks in the drawing room or on the terrace, and that was where Briony was supposed to be—with her mother, and the brother she adored, and the little cousins. There was no good reason why she should be in the library, except to find him and deny him what was his. He saw it clearly, how it had happened: she had opened a sealed envelope to read his note and been disgusted, and in her obscure way felt betrayed. She had come looking for her sister—no doubt with the exhilarated notion of protecting her, or admonishing126 her, and had heard a noise from behind the closed library door. Propelled from the depths of her ignorance, silly imagining and girlish rectitude, she had come to call a halt. And she hardly had to do that—of their own accord, they had moved apart and turned away, and now both were discreetly127 straightening their clothes. It was over.
The main course plates had long been cleared away and Betty had returned with the bread and butter pudding. Was it imagining on his part, Robbie wondered, or malign128 intent on hers, that made the adults’ portions appear twice the size of the children’s? Leon was pouring from the third bottle of Barsac. He had removed his jacket, thus allowing the other two men to do the same. There was a soft tapping on the windowpanes as various flying creatures of the night threw themselves against the glass. Mrs. Tallis dabbed129 at her face with a napkin and looked fondly at the twins. Pierrot was whispering in Jackson’s ear.
“No secrets at the dinner table, boys. We’d all like to hear, if you don’t mind.”
Jackson, the delegated voice, swallowed hard. His brother stared at his lap.
“We’d like to be excused, Aunt Emily. Please can we go to the lavatory130?”
“Of course. But it’s may, not can. And there’s no need to be quite so specific.”
The twins slipped from their chairs. As they reached the door, Briony squealed131 and pointed132.
“My socks! They’re wearing my strawberry socks!”
The boys halted and turned, and looked in shame from their ankles to their aunt. Briony was half standing. Robbie assumed that powerful emotions in the girl were finding release.
“You went in my room and took them from my drawer.”
Cecilia spoke for the first time during the meal. She too was venting133 deeper feelings.
“Shut up, for goodness’ sake! You really are a tiresome134 little prima donna. The boys had no clean socks so I took some of yours.”
Briony stared at her, amazed. Attacked, betrayed, by the one she only longed to protect. Jackson and Pierrot were still looking toward their aunt who dismissed them now with a quizzical tilt100 of her head and a faint nod. They closed the door behind them with exaggerated, perhaps even satirical, care, and at the moment they released the handle Emily picked up her spoon and the company followed her.
She said mildly, “You could be a little less expressive135 toward your sister.”
As Cecilia turned toward her mother Robbie caught a whiff of underarm perspiration136, which put him in mind of freshly cut grass. Soon they would be outside. Briefly137, he closed his eyes. A two-pint jug138 of custard was placed beside him, and he wondered that he had the strength to lift it.
“I’m sorry, Emily. But she has been quite over the top all day long.”
Briony spoke with adult calm. “That’s pretty strong, coming from you.”
“Meaning what?”
That, Robbie knew, was not the question to ask. At this stage in her life Briony inhabited an ill-defined transitional space between the nursery and adult worlds which she crossed and recrossed unpredictably. In the present situation she was less dangerous as an indignant little girl.
In fact, Briony herself had no clear idea of what she meant, but Robbie could not know this as he moved in quickly to change the subject. He turned to Lola on his left, and said in a way that was intended to include the whole table, “They’re nice lads, your brothers.”
“Hah!” Briony was savage139, and did not give her cousin time to speak. “That shows what little you know.”
Emily put down her spoon. “Darling, if this continues, I must ask you to leave the table.”
“But look what they did to her. Scratched her face, and gave her a Chinese burn!”
All eyes were on Lola. Her complexion140 pulsed darker beneath her freckles141, making her scratch appear less vivid.
Robbie said, “It doesn’t look too bad.”
Briony glared at him. Her mother said, “Little boys’ fingernails. We should get you some ointment53.”
Lola appeared brave. “Actually, I’ve put some on. It’s feeling a lot better already.”
Paul Marshall cleared his throat. “I saw it myself—had to break it up and pull them off her. I have to say, I was surprised, little fellows like that. They went for her all right . . .”
Emily had left her chair. She came to Lola’s side and lifted her hands in hers. “Look at your arms! It’s not just chafing142. You’re bruised143 up to your elbows. How on earth did they do that?”
“I don’t know, Aunt Emily.”
Once again, Marshall tilted back in his seat. He spoke behind Cecilia and Robbie’s head to the young girl who stared at him as her eyes filled with tears. “There’s no shame in making a fuss, you know. You’re awfully brave, but you have taken a bad knock.”
Lola was making an effort not to cry. Emily drew her niece toward her midriff and stroked her head.
Marshall said to Robbie, “You’re right, they’re nice lads. But I suppose they’ve been through a lot lately.”
Robbie wanted to know why Marshall had not mentioned the matter before if Lola had been so badly harmed, but the table was now in commotion144. Leon called across to his mother, “Do you want me to phone a doctor?” Cecilia was rising from the table. Robbie touched her arm and she turned, and for the first time since the library, their eyes met. There was no time to establish anything beyond the connection itself, then she hurried round to be by her mother who began to give instructions for a cold compress. Emily murmured comforting words to the top of her niece’s head. Marshall remained in his seat and filled his glass. Briony also stood up, and as she did so, gave another of her penetrating145 girlish cries. She took from Jackson’s seat an envelope and held it up to show them.
“A letter!”
She was about to open it. Robbie could not prevent himself asking, “Who’s it addressed to?”
“It says, To everyone.”
Lola disengaged from her aunt and wiped her face with her napkin. Emily drew on a surprising new source of authority. “You will not open it. You will do as you are told and bring it to me.”
Briony caught the unusual tone in her mother’s voice and meekly146 walked round the table with the envelope. Emily took one step away from Lola as she pulled a scrap17 of lined paper clear. When she read it, Robbie and Cecilia were able to read it too.
We are gong to run away becase Lola and Betty are horid to us and we want to go home. Sory we took some frute And there was’nt a play.
They had each signed their first names with zigzag147 flourishes.
There was silence after Emily had read it aloud. Lola stood up and took a couple of steps toward a window, then changed her mind and walked back toward the end of the table. She was looking from left to right in a distracted manner and murmuring over and over, “Oh hell, oh hell . . .”
Marshall came and put his hand on her arm. “It’s going to be all right. We’ll make up some search parties and find them in no time.”
“Absolutely,” Leon said. “They’ve only been gone a few minutes.”
But Lola was not listening and seemed to have made up her mind. As she strode toward the door she said, “Mummy will kill me.”
When Leon tried to take her by her shoulder she shrugged148 away, and then she was through the door. They heard her running across the hall.
Leon turned to his sister. “Cee, you and I will go together.”
Marshall said, “There’s no moon. It’s pretty dark out there.”
The group was moving toward the door and Emily was saying, “Someone ought to wait here and that might as well be me.”
Cecilia said, “There are torches behind the cellar door.”
Leon said to his mother, “I think you ought to phone the constable150.”
Robbie was the last to leave the dining room and the last, he thought, to adjust to the new situation. His first reaction, which did not fade when he stepped into the relative coolness of the hallway, was that he had been cheated. He could not believe that the twins were in danger. The cows would scare them home. The vastness of the night beyond the house, the dark trees, the welcoming shadows, the cool new-mown grass—all this had been reserved, he had designated it as belonging exclusively to himself and Cecilia. It was waiting for them, theirs to use and claim. Tomorrow, or any time other than now, would not do. But suddenly the house had spilled its contents into a night which now belonged to a half-comic domestic crisis. They would be out there for hours, hallooing and waving their torches, the twins would eventually be found, tired and dirty, Lola would be calmed down, and after some self-congratulation over nightcaps, the evening would be over. Within days, or even hours, it would have become an amusing memory to be wheeled out on family occasions: the night the twins ran away.
The search parties were setting off as he reached the front door. Cecilia had linked arms with her brother and as they set off she glanced back and saw him standing in the light. She gave him a look, a shrug149, which said—There’s nothing we can do for now. Before he could enact151 for her some gesture of loving acceptance, she turned, and she and Leon marched on, calling out the boys’ names. Marshall was even further ahead, making his way down the main drive, visible only by the torch he held. Lola was not in sight. Briony was walking around the side of the house. She, of course, would not want to be in Robbie’s company, and that was some relief, for he had already decided152: if he could not be with Cecilia, if he could not have her to himself, then he too, like Briony, would go out searching alone. This decision, as he was to acknowledge many times, transformed his life.
收听单词发音 |
1
yolk
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| n.蛋黄，卵黄 | |
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coconut
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| n.椰子 | |
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cocktail
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| n.鸡尾酒；餐前开胃小吃；混合物 | |
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refreshing
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| adj.使精神振作的，使人清爽的，使人喜欢的 | |
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cloyed
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| v.发腻，倒胃口( cloy的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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nauseated
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| adj.作呕的，厌恶的v.使恶心，作呕( nauseate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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jack
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| n.插座，千斤顶，男人；v.抬起，提醒，扛举；n.（Jake）杰克 | |
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warped
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| adj.反常的；乖戾的；（变）弯曲的；变形的v.弄弯，变歪( warp的过去式和过去分词 )；使（行为等）不合情理，使乖戾， | |
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aroma
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| n.香气，芬芳，芳香 | |
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crab
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| n.螃蟹，偏航，脾气乖戾的人，酸苹果；vi.捕蟹，偏航，发牢骚；vt.使偏航，发脾气 | |
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suffocation
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| n.窒息 | |
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vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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harry
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| vt.掠夺，蹂躏，使苦恼 | |
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noted
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| adj.著名的，知名的 | |
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moth
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| n.蛾，蛀虫 | |
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scrap
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| n.碎片；废料；v.废弃，报废 | |
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dispersed
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| adj. 被驱散的, 被分散的, 散布的 | |
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incapable
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| adj.无能力的，不能做某事的 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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turmoil
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| n.骚乱，混乱，动乱 | |
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subdued
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| adj. 屈服的，柔和的，减弱的 动词subdue的过去式和过去分词 | |
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contradictory
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| adj.反驳的，反对的，抗辩的；n.正反对，矛盾对立 | |
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asphyxiating
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| v.渴望的，有抱负的，追求名誉或地位的( aspirant的现在分词 )；有志向或渴望获得…的人 | |
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tract
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| n.传单，小册子，大片(土地或森林) | |
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flinched
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| v.（因危险和痛苦）退缩，畏惧( flinch的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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tersely
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| adv. 简捷地, 简要地 | |
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terse
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| adj.(说话，文笔)精炼的，简明的 | |
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amends
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| n. 赔偿 | |
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averting
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| 防止，避免( avert的现在分词 )； 转移 | |
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gaped
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| v.目瞪口呆地凝视( gape的过去式和过去分词 )；张开，张大 | |
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32
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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bland
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| adj.淡而无味的，温和的，无刺激性的 | |
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tablecloth
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| n.桌布，台布 | |
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conceal
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| v.隐藏，隐瞒，隐蔽 | |
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sprouts
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| n.新芽，嫩枝( sprout的名词复数 )v.发芽( sprout的第三人称单数 )；抽芽；出现；（使）涌现出 | |
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38
lettuce
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| n.莴苣；生菜 | |
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foundering
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| v.创始人( founder的现在分词 ) | |
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40
gravy
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| n.肉汁；轻易得来的钱，外快 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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banter
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| n.嘲弄，戏谑；v.取笑，逗弄，开玩笑 | |
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relentless
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| adj.残酷的，不留情的，无怜悯心的 | |
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awfully
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| adv.可怕地，非常地，极端地 | |
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tremor
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| n.震动，颤动，战栗，兴奋，地震 | |
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46
blurting
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| v.突然说出，脱口而出( blurt的现在分词 ) | |
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47
dabbing
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| 石面凿毛，灰泥抛毛 | |
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48
dread
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| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
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49
appalling
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| adj.骇人听闻的，令人震惊的，可怕的 | |
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50
plunged
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| v.颠簸( plunge的过去式和过去分词 )；暴跌；骤降；突降 | |
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51
irrelevance
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| n.无关紧要；不相关；不相关的事物 | |
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52
grievance
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| n.怨愤，气恼，委屈 | |
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53
ointment
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| n.药膏，油膏，软膏 | |
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54
theatricals
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| n.（业余性的）戏剧演出，舞台表演艺术；职业演员；戏剧的( theatrical的名词复数 )；剧场的；炫耀的；戏剧性的 | |
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55
inanities
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| n.空洞( inanity的名词复数 )；浅薄；愚蠢；空洞的言行 | |
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56
peripheral
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| adj.周边的，外围的 | |
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57
contemplate
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| vt.盘算，计议；周密考虑；注视，凝视 | |
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58
dent
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| n.凹痕，凹坑；初步进展 | |
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59
rim
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| n.(圆物的)边，轮缘；边界 | |
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60
repelled
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| v.击退( repel的过去式和过去分词 )；使厌恶；排斥；推开 | |
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exulted
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| 狂喜，欢跃( exult的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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62
sensuousness
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| n.知觉 | |
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63
sensuous
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| adj.激发美感的；感官的，感觉上的 | |
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64
awe
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| n.敬畏，惊惧；vt.使敬畏，使惊惧 | |
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65
impatience
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| n.不耐烦，急躁 | |
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66
agonizing
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| adj.痛苦难忍的；使人苦恼的v.使极度痛苦；折磨(agonize的ing形式) | |
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67
disastrous
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| adj.灾难性的，造成灾害的；极坏的，很糟的 | |
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68
unbearable
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| adj.不能容忍的；忍受不住的 | |
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humiliation
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| n.羞辱 | |
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spine
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| n.脊柱，脊椎；(动植物的)刺；书脊 | |
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71
tempting
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| a.诱人的, 吸引人的 | |
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72
porcelain
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| n.瓷；adj.瓷的，瓷制的 | |
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73
forefinger
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| n.食指 | |
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74
hesitation
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| n.犹豫，踌躇 | |
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75
lithe
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| adj.(指人、身体)柔软的，易弯的 | |
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76
disapproval
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| n.反对，不赞成 | |
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77
bungalow
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| n.平房，周围有阳台的木造小平房 | |
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78
gauge
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| v.精确计量；估计；n.标准度量；计量器 | |
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unwilling
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| adj.不情愿的 | |
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80
conjure
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| v.恳求，祈求；变魔术，变戏法 | |
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81
exuberance
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| n.丰富；繁荣 | |
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82
lapse
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| n.过失，流逝，失效，抛弃信仰，间隔；vi.堕落，停止，失效，流逝；vt.使失效 | |
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83
frivolous
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| adj.轻薄的；轻率的 | |
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84
recoiling
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| v.畏缩( recoil的现在分词 )；退缩；报应；返回 | |
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85
constricted
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| adj.抑制的，约束的 | |
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86
glimmer
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| v.发出闪烁的微光；n.微光，微弱的闪光 | |
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87
afterward
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| adv.后来；以后 | |
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isolated
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| adj.与世隔绝的 | |
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broach
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| v.开瓶，提出(题目) | |
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engulfed
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| v.吞没，包住( engulf的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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constrained
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| adj.束缚的,节制的 | |
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deserted
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| adj.荒芜的，荒废的，无人的，被遗弃的 | |
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93
lipstick
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| n.口红，唇膏 | |
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94
transformation
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| n.变化；改造；转变 | |
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impersonal
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| adj.无个人感情的，与个人无关的，非人称的 | |
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gnawing
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| a.痛苦的，折磨人的 | |
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fumbling
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| n. 摸索,漏接 v. 摸索,摸弄,笨拙的处理 | |
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rigid
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| adj.严格的，死板的；刚硬的，僵硬的 | |
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tightened
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| 收紧( tighten的过去式和过去分词 )； （使）变紧； （使）绷紧； 加紧 | |
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100
tilt
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| v.(使)倾侧；(使)倾斜；n.倾侧；倾斜 | |
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101
tilted
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| v. 倾斜的 | |
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102
ribs
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| n.肋骨( rib的名词复数 )；（船或屋顶等的）肋拱；肋骨状的东西；（织物的）凸条花纹 | |
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103
obliterating
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| v.除去( obliterate的现在分词 )；涂去；擦掉；彻底破坏或毁灭 | |
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104
swelling
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| n.肿胀 | |
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105
fabric
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| n.织物，织品，布；构造，结构，组织 | |
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106
cumulatively
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| adv.累积地，渐增地 | |
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107
enraged
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| 使暴怒( enrage的过去式和过去分词 )； 歜； 激愤 | |
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108
goaded
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| v.刺激( goad的过去式和过去分词 )；激励；（用尖棒）驱赶；驱使（或怂恿、刺激）某人 | |
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109
retaliatory
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| adj.报复的 | |
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fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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111
uncertainty
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| n.易变，靠不住，不确知，不确定的事物 | |
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112
inevitable
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| adj.不可避免的，必然发生的 | |
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113
membrane
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| n.薄膜，膜皮，羊皮纸 | |
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114
frenzy
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| n.疯狂，狂热，极度的激动 | |
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awed
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| adj.充满敬畏的，表示敬畏的v.使敬畏，使惊惧( awe的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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tranquil
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| adj. 安静的, 宁静的, 稳定的, 不变的 | |
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momentous
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| adj.重要的，重大的 | |
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wondrous
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| adj.令人惊奇的，奇妙的；adv.惊人地；异乎寻常地；令人惊叹地 | |
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119
syllables
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| n.音节( syllable的名词复数 ) | |
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120
drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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tempted
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| v.怂恿（某人）干不正当的事；冒…的险（tempt的过去分词） | |
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122
inventory
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| n.详细目录，存货清单 | |
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inviting
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| adj.诱人的，引人注目的 | |
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mumbling
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| 含糊地说某事，叽咕，咕哝( mumble的现在分词 ) | |
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illuminated
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| adj.被照明的；受启迪的 | |
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126
admonishing
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| v.劝告( admonish的现在分词 )；训诫；（温和地）责备；轻责 | |
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127
discreetly
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| ad.(言行)审慎地，慎重地 | |
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128
malign
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| adj.有害的；恶性的；恶意的；v.诽谤，诬蔑 | |
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129
dabbed
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| （用某物）轻触( dab的过去式和过去分词 )； 轻而快地擦掉（或抹掉）； 快速擦拭； （用某物）轻而快地涂上（或点上）… | |
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130
lavatory
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| n.盥洗室，厕所 | |
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squealed
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| v.长声尖叫，用长而尖锐的声音说( squeal的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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pointed
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| adj.尖的，直截了当的 | |
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133
venting
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| 消除； 泄去； 排去； 通风 | |
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134
tiresome
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| adj.令人疲劳的，令人厌倦的 | |
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expressive
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| adj.表现的，表达…的，富于表情的 | |
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136
perspiration
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| n.汗水；出汗 | |
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137
briefly
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| adv.简单地，简短地 | |
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138
jug
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| n.(有柄，小口，可盛水等的)大壶，罐，盂 | |
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savage
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| adj.野蛮的；凶恶的，残暴的；n.未开化的人 | |
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complexion
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| n.肤色；情况，局面；气质，性格 | |
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141
freckles
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| n.雀斑，斑点( freckle的名词复数 ) | |
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142
chafing
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| n.皮肤发炎v.擦热（尤指皮肤）( chafe的现在分词 )；擦痛；发怒；惹怒 | |
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bruised
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| [医]青肿的，瘀紫的 | |
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commotion
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| n.骚动，动乱 | |
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penetrating
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| adj.（声音）响亮的，尖锐的adj.（气味）刺激的adj.（思想）敏锐的，有洞察力的 | |
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meekly
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| adv.温顺地，逆来顺受地 | |
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zigzag
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| n.曲折，之字形；adj.曲折的，锯齿形的；adv.曲折地，成锯齿形地；vt.使曲折；vi.曲折前行 | |
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148
shrugged
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| vt.耸肩（shrug的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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149
shrug
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| v.耸肩(表示怀疑、冷漠、不知等) | |
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150
constable
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| n.(英国)警察，警官 | |
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151
enact
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| vt.制定(法律)；上演，扮演 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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