Chapter 17

MAUREEN

 

I didn't like it that they were making me sound tight¹. It wasn't anything to do with money. I needed one night so I paid for one night. And then someone else would have to pay, but I wouldn't be around to know.

They didn't understand, I could tell. I mean, they could understand that I was unhappy. But they couldn't understand the logic² of it. The way they looked at it was this: if I died, Matty would be put in a home somewhere. So why didn't I just put him in a home and not die? What would the difference be? But that just goes to show that they didn't understand me, or Matty, or Father Anthony, or anyone at the church. No one I know thinks that way.

These people, though, Martin and JJ and Jess, they're different from anyone I know. They're more like the people on television, the people in EastEnders and the other programmes where people know what to say straightaway. I'm not saying they're bad. I'm saying they're different. They wouldn't worry so much about Matty if he was their son. They don't have the same sense of duty. They don't have the church. They'd just say, 'What's the difference?' and leave it at that, and maybe they're right, but they're not me, and I didn't know how to tell them that.

They're not me, but I wish I was them. Maybe not them, exactly, because they're not so happy either. But I wish I was one of those people, the people who know what to say, the people who can't see the difference. Because it seems to me that you have more chance of being able to live a life you can stand if you're like that.

So I didn't know what to say when Martin asked me if I really wanted to die. The obvious answer was, Yes, yes, of course I do, you fool, that's why I've climbed all these stairs, that's why I've been telling a boy - dear God, a man - who can't hear me all about a New Year's Eve party that I'd made up. But there's another answer, too, isn't there? And the other answer is, No, of course I don't, you fool. Please stop me. Please help me. Please make me into the kind of person who wants to live, the kind of person who has a bit missing³, maybe. The kind of person who would be able to say, I am entitled⁴ to something more than this. Not much more; just something that would have been enough, instead of not quite enough. Because that's why I was up there - there wasn't quite enough to stop me.

'Well?' said Martin. 'Are you prepared to wait until tomorrow night?'

'What will I tell the people in the home?'

'Have you got the phone number?'

'It's too late to call them.'

'There'll be somebody on duty. Give me the number.' He pulled one of those tiny little mobile⁵ telephones out of his pocket and turned it on. It started ringing, and he pressed a button and put the phone to his ear. He was listening to a message, I suppose.

'Someone loves you,' said Jess, but he ignored her.

I had the address and phone number written down on my little note. I fished it out of my pocket, but I couldn't read it in the dark.

'Give it here,' said Martin.

Well, I was embarrassed⁶. It was my little note, my letter, and I didn't want anyone reading it while I was watching them, but I didn't know how to say that, and before I knew it, Martin had reached over and snatched⁷ it from me.

'Oh, Christ,' he said when he saw it. I could feel myself blushing⁸. 'Is this your suicide⁹ note?'

Cool. Read it out,' said Jess. 'Mine are crap, but I bet¹⁰ hers is worse.'

'Yours are crap?' said JJ. 'Meaning, there are like, what, hundreds of them?'

'I'm always writing them,' said Jess. She seemed quite cheerful¹¹ about it. The two boys looked at her, but they didn't say anything. You could see what they were thinking, though.

'What?' said Jess.

I imagine that most of us have just written the one,' said Martin.

'I keep changing my mind,' Jess said. 'Nothing wrong with that. It's a big decision.'

'One of the biggest,' Martin said. 'Certainly in the top ten.' He was one of those people who sometimes seemed to be joking when he wasn't, or not joking when he was.

'Anyway. No I won't be reading this one out.' He was squinting¹² at it to read the number, and then he tapped the number out. And a few seconds later it was all done. He apologized for ringing so late, and then told them something had come up and Matty would be staying for another day, and that was it. The way he said it, it was like he knew they weren't going to be asking any more questions. If I'd phoned I would have come up with this great long explanation for why I was phoning at four in the morning, something I'd have had to have thought up months ago, and then they would have seen through me and I'd have confessed¹³ and ended up going to get Matty out a few hours earlier rather than a day later.

'So,' said JJ. 'Maureen's OK. That just leaves you, Martin. You wanna join in?'

'Well, where is this Chas?' Martin said.

'I dunno,' said Jess. 'Some party somewhere. Is that what it depends on? Where he is?'

'Yes. I'd rather f—ing kill myself than try and get a cab¹⁴ to go somewhere in South London at four in the morning,' said Martin.

'He doesn't know anyone in South London,' Jess said.

'Good,' said Martin. And when he said that, you could tell that, instead of killing¹⁵ ourselves, we were all going to come down from the roof and look for Jess's boyfriend, or whatever he was. It wasn't much of a plan, really. But it was the only plan we had, so all we could do was try and make it work.

'Give me your mobile and I'll make some calls,' said Jess.

So Martin gave her the phone, and she went to the other side of the roof where no one could hear her, and we waited to be told where we were going.

1 tight   

adj.紧的；难解的；紧密的

参考例句：

• Time is going to be tight,so you'd better hurry.时间很紧，你最好抓紧一点。
• The box is so tight that I can't open it.这个盒子太紧，我打不开。

2 logic   

n.逻辑(学)；逻辑性

参考例句：

• What sort of logic is that?这是什么逻辑？
• I don't follow the logic of your argument.我不明白你的论点逻辑性何在。

3 missing   

adj.遗失的，缺少的，失踪的

参考例句：

• Check the tools and see if anything is missing.检点一下工具，看有无丢失。
• All the others are here;he's the only one missing.别人都来了，就短他一个。

4 entitled   

有资格的

参考例句：

• You will be entitled to your pension when you reach 65. 你到65岁就有资格享受养老金。
• He entitled us to enter his office at any time. 他授权给我们可以随时进入他的办公室。

5 mobile   

adj.可移动的，易变的，机动的；n.运动物体

参考例句：

• The old lady sits on a mobile chair every morning.那位老妇人每天上午坐在一把可携带使用的椅子上。
• She's much more mobile now that she's bought a car.自从她买了汽车后，活动量就大多了。

6 embarrassed   

adj.尴尬的，不好意思的

参考例句：

• He was very embarrassed to hear people speak so highly of him.他听见别人这样夸他,感到很难为情。
• He is somewhat embarrassed.他稍微有点窘迫。

7 snatched   

突然伸手拿取，攫取，抓住( snatch的过去式和过去分词 )； 抓紧时间做； 乘机获得； 夺去

参考例句：

• The boy snatched a piece of cake and ate it hungrily. 男孩抢过一块饼便贪婪地吃起来。
• The thief snatched her handbag and ran. 盗贼抢了她的手提包就跑。

8 blushing   

adj．脸红的 动词blush的现在分词形式

参考例句：

• Shame-faced and blushing, the women took their leave and rowed off again. 几个女人羞红着脸告辞出来，摇开靠在岸边上的小船。
• Jennie came forward,extending her hand and blushing. 珍妮走上前，伸出她的手，面色赤红。

9 suicide   

n.自杀，自毁，自杀性行为

参考例句：

• The number of suicide has increased.自杀案件的数量增加了。
• The death was adjudged a suicide by sleeping pills.该死亡事件被判定为服用安眠药自杀。

10 bet   

v.打赌，以(与)...打赌；n.赌注，赌金；打赌

参考例句：

• I bet you can't do this puzzle.我敢说，你解决不了这个难题。
• I offered to bet with him.我提出与他打赌。

11 cheerful   

adj.快活的，高兴的，兴高采烈

参考例句：

• Yellow is a cheerful colour.黄色是令人高兴的颜色。
• This state of things holds out a cheerful prospect.事态呈现出可喜的前景。

12 squinting   

斜视( squint的现在分词 )； 眯着眼睛； 瞟； 从小孔或缝隙里看

参考例句：

• "More company," he said, squinting in the sun. "那边来人了，"他在阳光中眨巴着眼睛说。
• Squinting against the morning sun, Faulcon examined the boy carefully. 对着早晨的太阳斜起眼睛，富尔康仔细地打量着那个年轻人。

13 confessed   

adj. 众所周知的，公认的 动词confess的过去式和过去分词形式

参考例句：

• She confessed to the murder. 她供认犯了谋杀罪。
• He confessed to a priest that he had sinned. 他向神父忏悔他犯了罪。

14 cab   

n.计程车，出租车，出租单马车；vi.乘出租马车

参考例句：

• The cab drove over his legs.马车从他腿上碾过。
• Shall we walk or take a cab?我们步行还是坐出租车？

15 killing   

n.巨额利润；突然赚大钱，发大财

参考例句：

• Investors are set to make a killing from the sell-off.投资者准备清仓以便大赚一笔。
• Last week my brother made a killing on Wall Street.上个周我兄弟在华尔街赚了一大笔。