Chapter 21

JESS

 

When Martin pulled me outside, I did that thing where you decide to become a different person. It's something I could do whenever I felt like it. Doesn't everybody, when they feel themselves getting out of control? You know: you say to yourself, OK, I'm a booky person, so then you go and get some books from the library and carry them around for a while. Or, OK, I'm a druggy person, and smoke a lot of weed. Whatever. And it makes you feel different. If you borrow someone else's clothes or their interests or their words, what they say, then it can give you a bit of a rest from yourself, I find.

It was time to feel different. I don't know why I said that stuff to Maureen; I don't know why I say half the things I say. I knew I'd overstepped the mark, but I couldn't stop myself. I get angry, and when it starts it's like being sick. I puke and puke over someone and I can't stop until I'm empty. I'm glad Martin pulled me outside. I needed stopping. I need stopping a lot. So I told myself that from that point on I was going to be more a person out of the olden days kind of thing. I swore not to swear, ha ha, or to spit; I swore not to ask harmless old ladies who are clearly more or less virgins¹ whether they shagged doggy style.

Martin went spare at me, told me I was a bitch, and an idiot², and asked me what Maureen had ever done to me. And I just said, Yes, sir, and, No, sir, and, Very sorry, sir, and I looked at the pavement, not at him, just to show him I really was sorry. And then I curtsied, which I thought was a nice touch. And he said, What the fuck's this, now? What's the yes sir no sir business? So I told him that I was going to stop being me, and that no one would ever see the old me again, and he didn't know what to say to that. I didn't want them to get sick of me. People do get sick of me, I've noticed. Chas got sick of me, for example. And I really need that not to happen any more, otherwise I'll be left with nobody. With Chas, I think everything was just too much; I came on too strong too quickly, and he got scared. Like that thing in the Tate Modern? That was definitely a mistake. Because the vibe in there… OK, some of the stuff is all weird³ and intense and so on, but just because the stuff is all weird and intense, that shouldn't have meant that I went all weird and intense. That was inappropriate behaviour, as Jen would have said. I should have waited until we'd got outside and finished looking at the pictures and installations before I went off on one. I think Jen got sick of me, too.

Also, the business in the cinema, which looking back on it might have been the final straw. That was inappropriate behaviour, too. Or maybe the behaviour wasn't inappropriate, because we had to have that conversation some time, but the place (the Holloway Odeon) wasn't right, and nor was the time (halfway⁴ through the film) or the volume (loud). One of the points Chas made that night was that I wasn't really mature enough to be a mother, and I can see now that by yelling⁵ my head off about having a baby halfway through Moulin Rouge⁶ I sort of proved it for him.

So anyway. Martin went mental at me for a while, and then he just seemed to shrink, as if he was a balloon and he'd been punctured⁷. 'What's wrong, kind sir?' I said, but he just shook his head, and I could understand enough from that. What I understood was that it was the middle of the night and he was standing⁸ outside a party full of people he didn't know, shouting at someone else he didn't know, a couple of hours after sitting on a roof thinking about killing⁹ himself. Oh yeah, and his wife and children hated him. In any other situation I would have said that he'd suddenly lost the will to live. I went over and put my hand on his shoulder, and he looked at me as if I were a person rather than an irritation¹⁰ and we almost had a Moment of some description - not a romantic Ross-and-Rachel-type moment (as if), but a Moment of Shared Understanding. But then we were interrupted, and the Moment passed.

1 virgins   

处女，童男( virgin的名词复数 )； 童贞玛利亚（耶稣之母）

参考例句：

• They were both virgins when they met and married. 他们从相识到结婚前都未曾经历男女之事。
• Men want virgins as concubines. 人家买姨太太的要整货。 来自汉英文学 - 骆驼祥子

2 idiot   

n.白痴，傻子，笨蛋

参考例句：

• Only an idiot would make such a thoughtless remark.只有草包才会说出这样没有头脑的话来。
• You are behaving like a perfect idiot.你表现得像个十足的白痴。

3 weird   

adj.古怪的，离奇的；怪诞的，神秘而可怕的

参考例句：

• From his weird behaviour,he seems a bit of an oddity.从他不寻常的行为看来，他好像有点怪。
• His weird clothes really gas me.他的怪衣裳简直笑死人。

4 halfway   

adj.中途的，不彻底的，部分的；adv.半路地，在中途，在半途

参考例句：

• We had got only halfway when it began to get dark.走到半路，天就黑了。
• In study the worst danger is give up halfway.在学习上，最忌讳的是有始无终。

5 yelling   

v.叫喊，号叫，叫着说( yell的现在分词 )

参考例句：

• The coach stood on the sidelines yelling instructions to the players. 教练站在场外，大声指挥运动员。
• He let off steam by yelling at a clerk. 他对一个职员大喊大叫，借以发泄怒气。 来自《简明英汉词典》

6 rouge   

n.胭脂，口红唇膏；v.(在…上)擦口红

参考例句：

• Women put rouge on their cheeks to make their faces pretty.女人往面颊上涂胭脂，使脸更漂亮。
• She didn't need any powder or lip rouge to make her pretty.她天生漂亮，不需要任何脂粉唇膏打扮自己。

7 punctured   

v.在（某物）上穿孔( puncture的过去式和过去分词 )；刺穿（某物）；削弱（某人的傲气、信心等）；泄某人的气

参考例句：

• Some glass on the road punctured my new tyre. 路上的玻璃刺破了我的新轮胎。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• A nail on the road punctured the tyre. 路上的钉子把车胎戳穿了。 来自《现代汉英综合大词典》

8 standing   

n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的

参考例句：

• After the earthquake only a few houses were left standing.地震过后只有几幢房屋还立着。
• They're standing out against any change in the law.他们坚决反对对法律做任何修改。

9 killing   

n.巨额利润；突然赚大钱，发大财

参考例句：

• Investors are set to make a killing from the sell-off.投资者准备清仓以便大赚一笔。
• Last week my brother made a killing on Wall Street.上个周我兄弟在华尔街赚了一大笔。

10 irritation   

n.激怒，恼怒，生气

参考例句：

• He could not hide his irritation that he had not been invited.他无法掩饰因未被邀请而生的气恼。
• Barbicane said nothing,but his silence covered serious irritation.巴比康什么也不说，但是他的沉默里潜伏着阴郁的怒火。