"AFTER these cunning scribblers had exhausted1 their ingenuity2 in moulding for me a character so scurvy3, that the man who holds up buildings at street corners could not be got to pick it up, and had laid at my door charges that would have brought tears into the eyes of all my ancestors, they wheeled suddenly about, took back all they had said, threw glory at my feet, and, to the end of doing mankind a benefit, held me up as a model major. They were all ready to make me any number of promises, to render me any reasonable service, and to follow me to battle. Had I offered them a consideration, no doubt it would have been refused with splendid contempt.
"Mine host of the Astor, who was a shrewd fellow, thought the character of his house damaged, and must needs consult his honor, the Mayor. That high functionary4, knowing the agility5 with which such heroes as Fopp exercised their heels, gave out no encouragement of catching6 the rascal7. Had it been a scamp, who by his winning manners deceives inconsolable widows, seduces8 artless damsels, and otherwise exercises his skill in the art of fascinating females, his Honor had been after him with all the courage of his police force. But as it was merely taking in a stranger, the matter, his Honor thought, had better be stopped, since the degree and quality of the crime was so like that known as 'sharp practice' in Wall street, that to punish one and let another go free would only be manifesting a strange disregard of equal justice. And the landlord was too shrewd a fellow not to know that to employ detectives, who were costly9 men to move, would entail10 an expense greater than the sum lost, without mending the damaged reputation of his house. I therefore contented11 myself with the satisfaction of having had my character restored to me by the newspapers.
"A different turn now came in my affairs, and finding it was only a harmless custom of the editors to make splinters of a great public man, I invited them to a sumptuous12 dinner, which they set upon with an appetite equaled only by that displayed by them while devouring13 my character. But, on the whole, they were a jolly set of fellows -quite as jolly as one could desire. If they entertained a magnificent dislike for one another, it was to be set down to a spirit of commercial rivalry14, which, though it might work out good in some instances, was of itself to be deplored15, inasmuch as it had nothing in common with that generosity16 of soul which should rule universal among men of letters."
I found the dinner a specific antidote17 for a bruised18 character, for no sooner had my literary friends eaten it than they were ready to outdo one another in saying good things of me. One cunning fellow told his readers that the election of General Harrison was entirely19 owing to the wisdom I had distilled20 into the minds of the people of Cape21 Cod22. And though I never had even scented23 the perfumery of war, another said that as a military man I had no superior. Concerning my mission, they were all sure no testimony24 they could bear would add one jot25 to my transcendent ability for representing the nation abroad. The government could not make so great a mistake as to overlook me.
"Heaven having given the editors great success in their arduous26 business of restoring me to favor, I was received at once into the embraces of fashionable society. Brown, who digs graves for departed sinners, and provides the parties of our aristocracy with distinguished27 people, called to inquire what evenings I was 'disengaged,' seeing that he had several openings on his list, which was unusually select 'this week.' He secured invitations to nothing but the most refined and wealthy society-that which gave receptions merely for the sake of doing honor to persons so distinguished. Genin sent circulars to say that hats of the latest pattern could be got cheaper and better of him than any one else. Tiffany & Company, in a delicately enveloped28 card, reminded me, (for Mrs. Potter's sake, no doubt,) that their stock of jewelry29 was of the finest description. Ball & Black sent to say that swords and other appurtenances necessary to a military gentleman could be got of them, much superior in quality, and cheaper in price, than at any other establishment in Broadway, or, indeed, in the city. Stewart, I was told, had just opened an invoice30 of India shawls, which he had ticketed at twenty-five hundred dollars each. But as his motto was quick sales and small profits, he was running them off at two hundred dollars less. It was hinted that Mrs. Major Potter better call early or they would all be gone. Had Mrs. Major Potter been the sharer of my adventure, and exhibited so wanton a determination to rush her husband into bankruptcy31, as it appeared was the fashion with the ladies of New York, then Mr. Major Potter had gone one way and Mrs. Major Potter another."
Here the major gave his whip two or three smart cracks, and bid old Battle proceed at a more rapid pace, as his appetite caused him to make sundry32 contemplations about the dinner he would get at the house of Mrs. Trotbridge.
"Well, seeing that I was up and popular," said the major, resuming his story, "Townsend piled my room with circulars, saying his sarsaparilla was the only kind used by politicians and military men, who invariably pronounced it the cure for those diseases which, it is charged by a Spanish writer, of great learning, are incident to their professions. Brandreth sent me samples of his pills, which he said were unequaled for purging33 politicians of all those ill humors they were heirs to. And both (moved by Brown, no doubt) sent me invitations to parties given in honor of me at their princely mansions34 on the Fifth Avenue. Barnum, too, considering me a remarkable35 curiosity, sent two tickets to his great show house, which the vulgar called a museum. And the Misses Whalebone & Gossamer36 sent to say that their assortment37 of baby clothes was of the choicest description, and that they would be much pleased if Mrs. Major Potter would call and examine for herself.
"As I was always considered a good looking man," (the major, though as ugly a man as could well be found, was extremely vain of his looks,) "no end of sly looks were turned upon me at parties by marriageable damsels, who mistook me for a single man on the look out. As to young widows, why, the tears hung as temptingly in their eyes as pearls. Whether they were for me or their deceased husbands, I am not bound to say, self praise being no recommendation. It often occurred to me, however, that marrying a widow would be an act of charity heaven could not fail to record to the credit of any good natured bachelor.
"And this, too, I will say, that nothing could have been more elegantly conducted than the parties to which I was invited. Indeed, I saw no occasion for repaying hospitality after the manner of those malicious38 writers, who take pleasure in sneering39 at the quality of entertainment given by our aristocracy, merely because it is composed of men who have got rich by the very republican business of sailing ships and selling eatables. Now I by no means underrate the man of letters who truly represents genius, or learning; but that every dabbler40 in small satire41 should dub42 himself a man of letters, and therefore set up for an idol43 before whom better men must bow, or have their social affairs battered44 to pieces, is something I cannot condescend45 to admit. By all means, if the little fellows will have a court, let them have one of their own, and to their liking46; for they will quarrel over those ills they seem born to; and if they can quarrel without interfering47 with the rights of others, the peace of the earth may be preserved. In fine, I would have them cram48 themselves into everything great and good, and ask only that they be careful not to weaken those pedestals upon which our republic is expanding itself. But enough of this.
"Having passed through fetes of unequaled splendor49 the politicians began to put questions to me, which, in many instances, it was not convenient for me to answer, inasmuch as by a single word I might commit myself to principles my party would not sanction. They, however, took me into their keeping, and so delayed my journey to Washington that I began to feel that I had got among friends of the wrong kind." We were now entering a short curve in the road, between two hills covered with chestnut50 trees, beneath which several lean sheep were grazing, when the major's story was interrupted by the shrill51 sound of a fishmonger's horn.
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1
exhausted
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| adj.极其疲惫的，精疲力尽的 | |
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ingenuity
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| n.别出心裁；善于发明创造 | |
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scurvy
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| adj.下流的，卑鄙的，无礼的；n.坏血病 | |
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functionary
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| n.官员；公职人员 | |
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agility
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| n.敏捷，活泼 | |
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catching
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| adj.易传染的，有魅力的，迷人的，接住 | |
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rascal
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| n.流氓；不诚实的人 | |
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8
seduces
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| 诱奸( seduce的第三人称单数 )； 勾引； 诱使堕落； 使入迷 | |
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costly
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| adj.昂贵的，价值高的，豪华的 | |
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entail
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| vt.使承担，使成为必要，需要 | |
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contented
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| adj.满意的，安心的，知足的 | |
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sumptuous
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| adj.豪华的，奢侈的，华丽的 | |
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13
devouring
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| 吞没( devour的现在分词 )； 耗尽； 津津有味地看； 狼吞虎咽地吃光 | |
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rivalry
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| n.竞争，竞赛，对抗 | |
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deplored
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| v.悲叹，痛惜，强烈反对( deplore的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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generosity
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| n.大度，慷慨，慷慨的行为 | |
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antidote
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| n.解毒药，解毒剂 | |
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bruised
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| [医]青肿的，瘀紫的 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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distilled
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| adj.由蒸馏得来的v.蒸馏( distil的过去式和过去分词 )；从…提取精华 | |
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cape
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| n.海角，岬；披肩，短披风 | |
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cod
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| n.鳕鱼；v.愚弄；哄骗 | |
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scented
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| adj.有香味的；洒香水的；有气味的v.嗅到(scent的过去分词) | |
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testimony
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| n.证词；见证，证明 | |
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jot
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| n.少量；vi.草草记下；vt.匆匆写下 | |
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arduous
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| adj.艰苦的，费力的，陡峭的 | |
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distinguished
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| adj.卓越的，杰出的，著名的 | |
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enveloped
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| v.包围，笼罩，包住( envelop的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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jewelry
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| n.（jewllery）（总称）珠宝 | |
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invoice
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| vt.开发票；n.发票，装货清单 | |
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31
bankruptcy
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| n.破产；无偿付能力 | |
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sundry
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| adj.各式各样的，种种的 | |
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purging
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| 清洗； 清除； 净化； 洗炉 | |
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mansions
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| n.宅第，公馆，大厦( mansion的名词复数 ) | |
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remarkable
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| adj.显著的，异常的，非凡的，值得注意的 | |
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gossamer
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| n.薄纱，游丝 | |
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assortment
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| n.分类，各色俱备之物，聚集 | |
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malicious
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| adj.有恶意的，心怀恶意的 | |
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sneering
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| 嘲笑的，轻蔑的 | |
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dabbler
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| n. 戏水者, 业余家, 半玩半认真做的人 | |
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satire
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| n.讽刺，讽刺文学，讽刺作品 | |
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42
dub
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| vt.（以某种称号）授予，给...起绰号，复制 | |
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idol
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| n.偶像，红人，宠儿 | |
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44
battered
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| adj.磨损的；v.连续猛击；磨损 | |
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45
condescend
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| v.俯就，屈尊；堕落，丢丑 | |
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46
liking
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| n.爱好；嗜好；喜欢 | |
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47
interfering
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| adj. 妨碍的 动词interfere的现在分词 | |
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48
cram
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| v.填塞，塞满，临时抱佛脚，为考试而学习 | |
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49
splendor
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| n.光彩；壮丽，华丽；显赫，辉煌 | |
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50
chestnut
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| n.栗树，栗子 | |
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51
shrill
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| adj.尖声的；刺耳的；v尖叫 | |
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