THE judicious1 and forgiving reader will, I am sure, join me in approving the facility with which the major regained2 his stock of courage, (lost when entering Tarpaulin3 Cove4,) on hearing that the politicians of New York had determined5 on making him a hero of no mean parts, and were devising a grand programme for our reception. And this consoling news I read to him from that very enterprising and extremely reliable journal, the New York Herald6, a copy of which I got of the parson, who was its Tarpaulin Cove correspondent, and admired it much for its mingling7 of divine and human things, as well as the amount of honey the editor always mixed with his brimstone. The Common Council had, according to this sagacious journal, held a meeting, and, at the expense of much unintelligible8 oratory9 and disorder10, passed a resolution appropriating five thousand dollars for the purpose of giving us a reception worthy11 of either Cicero or Washington. And this was to be entirely12 in consideration of the great public services we had rendered the country.
And it was further resolved, and therein set forth13, that Aldermen Pennyworth, of the Sixth Ward14, and Brandybottom, of the Second, together with Councilmen Bluster15 and Sputter17, (the last named gentleman being clever at a speech,) be a committee of reception, invested with power to draw up and present a suitable address on behalf of the citizens of "this great metropolis18." It was also resolved, in a flourish of speech utterly19 unknown in anything ever attempted by Choate, that the mayor, who, though he contemplated20 himself the greatest of potentates21, was famous only for commanding an unruly police to bludgeon the heads of peaceable citizens, should publicly receive us at the City Hall.
This news so elated the major, that he commenced running about the deck, after the manner of a madman. He next tore the bandages from his head, and swore though his eyes were disfigured, his body remained in most excellent condition. As to persecutions, all great men ought to endure them with humility22, for they were only the forerunners23 of great honors. He therefore resolved to say no more of the scars, but, in proof of his faith, to for ever esteem24 Captain Luke Snider a public benefactor25, and to set about commending himself to the consideration of all good citizens, for therein, as he conceived, lay the virtue26 of true eminence27. And now that he had a horse of such excellent parts, and a pig whose rare gifts, (did the critics do him justice,) must prove invaluable28, he flattered himself he was fairly on the road to fortune, and might safely leave the rest to the hero makers30 of New York.
I must inform the honest reader, that great value was set by the Common Council upon the fact, that the major had transferred his affections from the whig to the democratic party, which could not fail to shed a lasting31 luster16 upon its principles. Two honest Hibernian members of the very common board of very uncommon32 councilmen, had, with that modesty33 so characteristic of them, paid me the high compliment of saying, that I had been justly styled the great northern political war horse. I could not suppress a blush at seeing myself cut so strange a figure, inasmuch as the flourish of speech was such as had never been thought of by Aristotle, and would have paled even Henry Clay. Let no man, therefore, doubt the truth of what I here say; for I am not given to writing satires34, preferring to wait until heaven shall send me some nobler mission. Nor would I have the reader express surprise, that persons so humble35 as the major and myself should be thus suddenly subjected to the process of hero making so much in fashion with the forty thousand idlers and politicians of New York, who have graciously taken upon themselves the directing of all public affairs, seeing that good men are so engaged in the getting of gold as to care not a whit36 if the devil get all their liberties. And if the reader have read the histories of Greece and Rome, wherein it is written that he only was made a hero who had achieved some great undertaking37, and thereby38 conferred lasting honors upon his country, his surprise may be increased at the strange elements of character necessary to a hero at this day. But I humbly39 beg him to consider the circumstances of these forty thousand idlers and other politicians, who, having no employment for their fingers, let the devil direct their brains, and have turned hero making into a commerce of so cheap a quality, that no good christian40 can be got to engage in it. In fine, (and it is no vulgar invention of my brain,) the virtues41 required of an hero at this day, are that he have been a great marauder, who, having invaded the country of a poor, down trodden people, driven them from their quiet homes, plundered42 them of their property, ravished their daughters, drenched43 their fields with the blood of the innocent, and whitened the highways with the bones of his own dissolute but deluded44 followers45, and spread desolation over the land, had to leave it a vanquished46 miscreant47. And upon the principle, that if you give power to the idle and reckless they will make heroes to suit their kind and circumstances, he will then be received at the Battery with a great waste of powder, and such other noisy demonstrations48 as shall please the unruly. From thence he shall be conveyed in a shabby carriage, drawn49 by four lean horses, escorted by six firemen in red shirts, and preceded by two Dutch drummers with serious faces, and long, light beards, and a dyspeptic negro fifer, through sundry50 of our most crowded streets. And there shall follow him a procession of urchins51, so abject52 in raiment that all peaceable lookers on will wonder where they came from, and how it happened that in a city so well supplied with water their unclean appearance, and the evident satisfaction they derived53 from scratching, was a sight for the eyes to behold54. The hero must be careful to admonish55 the two or three ex-aldermen who accompany him, that it will not do to expose the necks of bottles in their pockets during their passage through the streets; he must also be sure to deliver his bows with becoming grace, and to keep his right hand upon his heart, (if he have one,) giving the mob to understand that therein beats his love for righting wronged humanity. Nor will he lose anything in reputation, if he exercise great courtesy in returning those manifestations57 of approbation58 which are become so common with enthusiastic chambermaids, who flourish napkins from third and fourth story windows, and are mistaken by the uninitiated for damsels of quality with delicately perfumed cambrics. And as he let nothing slip through his fingers while bathing in blood the homes of the people he had made wretched, so must he now comfort himself with the assurance, that the uproar59 of the rabble60 constituting his train is all cheers sent up by the honest people in admiration61 of his wonderful exploits. And, being free from every restraint or obligation, he may, with advantage to himself, recur62 to the deeds of C'sar and Alexander, (not forgetting to remember Cicero,) to which he may compare his own. He can then sneer63 at your people of quality, and having sufficient cause, prepare himself for a speech of extraordinary eloquence64, in which he need have no fear of profaning65, for his hearers will stand amazed, and think how mighty66 a thing it is to be a hero.
I would also advise him to give his thoughts entirely to himself, and be careful not to betray them with his words, lest some ambitious critic set them down and use them at some future day to his damage. He must likewise sufficiently67 eulogize the companions in his exploits; and though they were true to nothing but debauchery and their own conceits68, it will serve him best if he tell distressing69 tales of their patriotism70. And above all, he will be wholly deficient71 in rendering72 himself justice, if he do not set forth with the very best of his rhetoric73, how much he is misrepresented by the press, which will persist in calling him a monster, when in truth he is a servant of heaven, sent upon earth to raise the fallen. And when he shall have been drawn through a sufficient number of streets, and the eyes of the curious shall have been gratified, and the dyspeptic fifer has exhausted74 his wind, and, together with the Dutch drummers, can no longer invest the jaded75 train with a martial76 spirit, then, if the lean animals have strength enough left in their dilapidated frames, the cortége, as it is well called, may proceed into the Park, where the hero, if it do not rain, may take off his hat to the multitude of rejected humanity, (such as ragged77 politicians and wasted vagrants,) there assembled. Having paused a few moments, (to the great impatience78 of his shattered admirers,) that the aldermen who accompanied him may quench79 their thirst, he will alight amidst the huzzas of the throng80 and ascend81 the platform, built for the occasion by an enthusiastic carpenter. An ex-alderman, of dogged deportment, whom the clamorous82 mob greet with the title of judge, will welcome him in an address, (he will read it by the light of a tallow candle, held in the hand of a corpulent councilman,) written by a well starved critic on the Times newspaper, and for which service he (the said starved critic) was promised five dollars. The hero will undoubtedly83 take it for granted, that he is as great a general as he is there set down; nor must he be amazed if he find it written of him, that the noble deeds of which he is the champion far outshine all that has heretofore been set down in history. In fine, he must receive each compliment with a gracious bow, remembering that they are employed with the sincerity84 so characteristic of our gravest politicians. It being customary, I make no doubt the address will be received with "deafening85 applause," though it were impossible those present could hear one word of it. The reading will then conclude with twenty thousand voices spontaneously calling for the hero, who must rise with great gravity, and, having surveyed the dilapidated throng, proceed to respond in a speech of at least half an hour long. While delivering himself of this speech, he must be careful not to think of the gray haired fathers and mourning orphans86 he has left to mingle87 their tears over the devastation88 he inflicted89 upon their country, lest it damage his rhetoric. But he must declare that he is overwhelmed with the honors thus showered upon him by an assemblage so respectable. Of course he will not forget to mention, that his emotions have quite deprived him of the power, even if he had the capacity, of expressing his gratitude90 for this very unexpected manifestation56 of their approbation. And this peroration91 he must end, with complimenting the virtue and discretion92, the self sacrificing devotion, and the high purposes of the motley assemblage, who are meanwhile getting up numerous fights for their more immediate93 amusement.
The drummers and fifer having refreshed themselves, the hero must be got carefully into the carriage by his generals and adjutant generals in waiting, when the four lean horses, who were comforted with oats during the delivery of the speeches, will draw him up Broadway to the tune29 of "The dead I left behind me!" It being after nightfall, when the balconies of heaven are filled with black, warlike clouds, it will be necessary that the train proceed with torchlights, which are an essential part of the ovation94 to all great heroes. These generally consist of thirteen lighted tallow candles and two transparencies, in the manufacture of which six shillings were expended95 for as many yards of Lowell cotton, sufficient to supply shirts to the unwashed Hibernians who bear them. The torchlights, as is customary, must be carried by hatless and shoeless urchins, who will feel great pride in the service, and have no scruple96 at scrambling97 for the pennies thrown them by the mischievous98 who line the sidewalk. The transparencies must also bear the significant motto, "Welcome to the brave." All this and much more being done, the hero will have arrived at one of our most fashionable hotels, where splendid apartments have been prepared for him; and for which the cunning landlord was careful to get his pay in advance. As those who follow such trains and such heroes have an habitual99 aversion to water, its diminution100 or increase on arriving at the hotel will depend very much on the state of the weather. But no true hero will for a moment think of entering his hotel unless all the ambitious chambermaids in it are grouped upon its balconies, and its entrances so lined with pickpockets101, that it becomes absolutely necessary that his generals force a passage. The crowd outside will then greet his advance up stairs with much shouting, interspersed102 with demands for a speech, which, on partaking of a well compounded punch, in which his generals will not forget to join him, seeing that he is their only worldly stock in trade left, he may manifest his willingness to receive friends of distinction. This being regarded as an oversight103 by his most famous general, and the corpulent alderman, he will be reminded that the safety of the building is really in danger from the enthusiasm of the citizens outside, who refuse to go peaceably to their homes until he appears before them on the balcony, where they can offer him their homage104, and hear from his lips at least three speeches. All this being done to the entire satisfaction of his admirers, then let him snap his fingers at your unprogressive gentlemen of quality, (who are much given to sneering,) and comfort himself that "the people" are always right. The torchbearers having exhausted their pennies as well as their patriotism, and the peaceable intervention105 of a shower having dispersed106 the mob, the hero, satisfied he has received every honor a grateful people can bestow107, will, as is customary, betake himself much fatigued108 to his apartments, where he must remain in consultation109 with his generals and a few select friends, (on the grave question of what is to be done next?) until two o'clock in the morning, or, perhaps, until Aurora110 begins to open her windows in the east or the expert bar tender has wearied of mixing libations not even the most self-complacent of the generals has a shilling to pay for. This sad state of affairs being reported to head quarters, the hero will, unless the aldermen present pledge the city for security, hasten to his cot, and having snuffed out his candle get quietly to bed.
Having overstepped the limits of my chapter in these few remarks upon our present system of hero making, the reader must look for something better in the next chapter, and accept for apology the fact that I have written of things I have seen, out of sheer love for the truth of history. In perusing111 this subject, I had almost forgotten to remark, that the hero, though he have gone quietly to bed, will not be considered at the very apex112 of his fame until the men of the newspapers, with their usual love of enterprise in journalism113, shall have written down and published to the world (they, it must not be overlooked, follow close at the heels of the torch bearers) all that was said and done, not even forgetting to mention how delicately the horses raised their tails when occasion required.
1 judicious | |
adj.明智的,明断的,能作出明智决定的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
2 regained | |
复得( regain的过去式和过去分词 ); 赢回; 重回; 复至某地 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
3 tarpaulin | |
n.涂油防水布,防水衣,防水帽 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
4 cove | |
n.小海湾,小峡谷 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
5 determined | |
adj.坚定的;有决心的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
6 herald | |
vt.预示...的来临,预告,宣布,欢迎 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
7 mingling | |
adj.混合的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
8 unintelligible | |
adj.无法了解的,难解的,莫明其妙的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
9 oratory | |
n.演讲术;词藻华丽的言辞 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
10 disorder | |
n.紊乱,混乱;骚动,骚乱;疾病,失调 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
11 worthy | |
adj.(of)值得的,配得上的;有价值的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
12 entirely | |
ad.全部地,完整地;完全地,彻底地 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
13 forth | |
adv.向前;向外,往外 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
14 ward | |
n.守卫,监护,病房,行政区,由监护人或法院保护的人(尤指儿童);vt.守护,躲开 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
15 bluster | |
v.猛刮;怒冲冲的说;n.吓唬,怒号;狂风声 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
16 luster | |
n.光辉;光泽,光亮;荣誉 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
17 sputter | |
n.喷溅声;v.喷溅 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
18 metropolis | |
n.首府;大城市 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
19 utterly | |
adv.完全地,绝对地 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
20 contemplated | |
adj. 预期的 动词contemplate的过去分词形式 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
21 potentates | |
n.君主,统治者( potentate的名词复数 );有权势的人 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
22 humility | |
n.谦逊,谦恭 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
23 forerunners | |
n.先驱( forerunner的名词复数 );开路人;先兆;前兆 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
24 esteem | |
n.尊敬,尊重;vt.尊重,敬重;把…看作 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
25 benefactor | |
n. 恩人,行善的人,捐助人 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
26 virtue | |
n.德行,美德;贞操;优点;功效,效力 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
27 eminence | |
n.卓越,显赫;高地,高处;名家 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
28 invaluable | |
adj.无价的,非常宝贵的,极为贵重的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
29 tune | |
n.调子;和谐,协调;v.调音,调节,调整 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
30 makers | |
n.制造者,制造商(maker的复数形式) | |
参考例句: |
|
|
31 lasting | |
adj.永久的,永恒的;vbl.持续,维持 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
32 uncommon | |
adj.罕见的,非凡的,不平常的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
33 modesty | |
n.谦逊,虚心,端庄,稳重,羞怯,朴素 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
34 satires | |
讽刺,讥讽( satire的名词复数 ); 讽刺作品 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
35 humble | |
adj.谦卑的,恭顺的;地位低下的;v.降低,贬低 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
36 whit | |
n.一点,丝毫 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
37 undertaking | |
n.保证,许诺,事业 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
38 thereby | |
adv.因此,从而 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
39 humbly | |
adv. 恭顺地,谦卑地 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
40 Christian | |
adj.基督教徒的;n.基督教徒 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
41 virtues | |
美德( virtue的名词复数 ); 德行; 优点; 长处 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
42 plundered | |
掠夺,抢劫( plunder的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句: |
|
|
43 drenched | |
adj.湿透的;充满的v.使湿透( drench的过去式和过去分词 );在某人(某物)上大量使用(某液体) | |
参考例句: |
|
|
44 deluded | |
v.欺骗,哄骗( delude的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句: |
|
|
45 followers | |
追随者( follower的名词复数 ); 用户; 契据的附面; 从动件 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
46 vanquished | |
v.征服( vanquish的过去式和过去分词 );战胜;克服;抑制 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
47 miscreant | |
n.恶棍 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
48 demonstrations | |
证明( demonstration的名词复数 ); 表明; 表达; 游行示威 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
49 drawn | |
v.拖,拉,拔出;adj.憔悴的,紧张的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
50 sundry | |
adj.各式各样的,种种的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
51 urchins | |
n.顽童( urchin的名词复数 );淘气鬼;猬;海胆 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
52 abject | |
adj.极可怜的,卑屈的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
53 derived | |
vi.起源;由来;衍生;导出v.得到( derive的过去式和过去分词 );(从…中)得到获得;源于;(从…中)提取 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
54 behold | |
v.看,注视,看到 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
55 admonish | |
v.训戒;警告;劝告 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
56 manifestation | |
n.表现形式;表明;现象 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
57 manifestations | |
n.表示,显示(manifestation的复数形式) | |
参考例句: |
|
|
58 approbation | |
n.称赞;认可 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
59 uproar | |
n.骚动,喧嚣,鼎沸 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
60 rabble | |
n.乌合之众,暴民;下等人 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
61 admiration | |
n.钦佩,赞美,羡慕 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
62 recur | |
vi.复发,重现,再发生 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
63 sneer | |
v.轻蔑;嘲笑;n.嘲笑,讥讽的言语 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
64 eloquence | |
n.雄辩;口才,修辞 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
65 profaning | |
v.不敬( profane的现在分词 );亵渎,玷污 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
66 mighty | |
adj.强有力的;巨大的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
67 sufficiently | |
adv.足够地,充分地 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
68 conceits | |
高傲( conceit的名词复数 ); 自以为; 巧妙的词语; 别出心裁的比喻 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
69 distressing | |
a.使人痛苦的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
70 patriotism | |
n.爱国精神,爱国心,爱国主义 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
71 deficient | |
adj.不足的,不充份的,有缺陷的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
72 rendering | |
n.表现,描写 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
73 rhetoric | |
n.修辞学,浮夸之言语 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
74 exhausted | |
adj.极其疲惫的,精疲力尽的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
75 jaded | |
adj.精疲力竭的;厌倦的;(因过饱或过多而)腻烦的;迟钝的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
76 martial | |
adj.战争的,军事的,尚武的,威武的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
77 ragged | |
adj.衣衫褴褛的,粗糙的,刺耳的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
78 impatience | |
n.不耐烦,急躁 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
79 quench | |
vt.熄灭,扑灭;压制 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
80 throng | |
n.人群,群众;v.拥挤,群集 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
81 ascend | |
vi.渐渐上升,升高;vt.攀登,登上 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
82 clamorous | |
adj.吵闹的,喧哗的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
83 undoubtedly | |
adv.确实地,无疑地 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
84 sincerity | |
n.真诚,诚意;真实 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
85 deafening | |
adj. 振耳欲聋的, 极喧闹的 动词deafen的现在分词形式 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
86 orphans | |
孤儿( orphan的名词复数 ) | |
参考例句: |
|
|
87 mingle | |
vt.使混合,使相混;vi.混合起来;相交往 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
88 devastation | |
n.毁坏;荒废;极度震惊或悲伤 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
89 inflicted | |
把…强加给,使承受,遭受( inflict的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
参考例句: |
|
|
90 gratitude | |
adj.感激,感谢 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
91 peroration | |
n.(演说等之)结论 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
92 discretion | |
n.谨慎;随意处理 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
93 immediate | |
adj.立即的;直接的,最接近的;紧靠的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
94 ovation | |
n.欢呼,热烈欢迎,热烈鼓掌 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
95 expended | |
v.花费( expend的过去式和过去分词 );使用(钱等)做某事;用光;耗尽 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
96 scruple | |
n./v.顾忌,迟疑 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
97 scrambling | |
v.快速爬行( scramble的现在分词 );攀登;争夺;(军事飞机)紧急起飞 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
98 mischievous | |
adj.调皮的,恶作剧的,有害的,伤人的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
99 habitual | |
adj.习惯性的;通常的,惯常的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
100 diminution | |
n.减少;变小 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
101 pickpockets | |
n.扒手( pickpocket的名词复数 ) | |
参考例句: |
|
|
102 interspersed | |
adj.[医]散开的;点缀的v.intersperse的过去式和过去分词 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
103 oversight | |
n.勘漏,失察,疏忽 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
104 homage | |
n.尊敬,敬意,崇敬 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
105 intervention | |
n.介入,干涉,干预 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
106 dispersed | |
adj. 被驱散的, 被分散的, 散布的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
107 bestow | |
v.把…赠与,把…授予;花费 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
108 fatigued | |
adj. 疲乏的 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
109 consultation | |
n.咨询;商量;商议;会议 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
110 aurora | |
n.极光 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
111 perusing | |
v.读(某篇文字)( peruse的现在分词 );(尤指)细阅;审阅;匆匆读或心不在焉地浏览(某篇文字) | |
参考例句: |
|
|
112 apex | |
n.顶点,最高点 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
113 journalism | |
n.新闻工作,报业 | |
参考例句: |
|
|
欢迎访问英文小说网 |