IT was evening when the general reached Baltimore, thanking Heaven that he was safe out of a city where it was the fashion with gentlemen who were not sharp enough to fleece the government to turn upon and fleece one another, and to let strangers look elsewhere for mercy. Elated that he was a minister, our hero took up his valise and straightway proceeded to the Gilmore House, since it would not do for so famous a diplomatist to put up at one of your shabby hotels. And here, having entered with all the pomp of his nature, he slyly whispered to the clerk who he was, and desired that he would enter his name in this wise: "General Roger Sherman Potter, Minister Plenipotentiary to the King of the Kaloramas." And this delicious bit of rodomontade being satisfactorily performed, it was with great difficulty the bystanders could restrain their laughter. Then the stubby little figure, casting a half-simple glance at every one he met, waddled1 up and down the hall, looking in curiously2 at every open door, and at times vouchsafing3 a bow to those he never had seen before. And when he had hobbled about to his satisfaction, he approached the desk and anxiously inquired of the clerk for his secretary, Mr. Tickler; but to his surprise and great disappointment no one at that house had heard aught of such a person.
The general was now much concerned about his secretary. All sorts of things evil and suspicious did he fancy; but they only served to increase his anxiety. In truth, it now seemed that what he had only intended for a joke when leaving Willard's might turn out a very serious affair. Some prowling villain5 might have slyly put him out of the way, and there was an end to all the pains and expense he had been at to instruct him in the ways of a good secretary. There was a bare possibility, however, that much as the affairs of the nation required their undivided attention, Mr. Tickler, who had in more than one instance given proof of having a touch of the gallantry common to the true Irish gentleman in his composition, might have fallen in with some damsel whose charms were stronger than the demands of the nation. But as he had reposed6 great trust in his secretary, so also did he find it no very difficult task to banish7 these suspicions. When then he had eaten his supper, which he did in great tribulation8, he sallied out in the hope of obtaining some tidings of him at the various inns throughout the city. But the search proved fruitless, and he returned to the Gilmore, still more puzzled to find an explanation for so strange a mystery. He went to bed when bed-time came; but it was only to dream of wonderful exploits performed by himself in foreign lands, and awake to lament9 the loss of his secretary.
When then morning came he took his departure, proceeding10 by the early train to New York; for he held it good policy to get away as speedily as possible, lest his arrival get noised over the city and he be called upon to address some public assemblage, which might put him to great inconvenience in the absence of his secretary; for though he boasted that he had a profound way of his own for effecting purposes, he was not expert at fine writing.
While then the train swept onward11 toward Philadelphia, various reflections crowded upon the general's mind, and he said to himself: "Perhaps it had been as well for me to have allowed the fellow fixed12 wages; for, being a critic, which means that he is not a man to comprehend the greatness of rewards that may be in the future, he might have said, 'Heaven help me!' and taken to his old business." Again it flashed across his mind that if Tickler's courage was not quite up to the mark, he might have decided13 to try the virtue14 of his heels now, rather than trust them when facing a villainous enemy on the field of battle. But all these speculations15 proved mere16 hauntings of the brain; since when he arrived at the Girard House in Philadelphia, he found to his great surprise that "Mr. and Mrs. Tickler" had stopped to take dinner while passing that way a couple of days ago. "Faith of my father!" exclaimed the general, laughing in his sleeve, "either some one has told me, or I have read it in books, that all really good secretaries have a turn for these little gallantries. And if I understand the matter right, it is an excellent proof that he has the capacity for as great a secretary as any of them. In short, I have no doubt but that he is possessed17 of the rare faculty18 of giving his head to the nation, and his heart to as many damsels as may have a liking19 for it."
Being informed that his secretary had taken the road to New York, the general was further encouraged by the hope of meeting him there, and therefore proceeded on his journey without further concern, arriving at the St. Nicholas in due season, to the great delight of every guest in the house. Days and even weeks rolled past, but no tidings could be got of Mr. Tickler. His faithful horse was there, and had so improved as to conduct himself quite like a youth. Even his pig had not proved untrue to him. In short, Duncan was a great favorite with the public, and so many good opinions had been given of him by the critics, that Barnum proposed to purchase him outright20, to the end that he might make him a feature of his museum. And although he offered for him a sum large enough to send three missionaries21 to Africa, the general said that the affection he bore the animal was such that he could not think of parting with him. Indeed, everything but the general's secretary seemed to have remained true to him. He now began to feel himself overwhelmed with responsibilities; for while he fancied the nation demanding great things of him on one side, the Administration urged him to prepare for Kalorama without delay. But what made the loss of Tickler more overwhelming was, that numerous and very distinguished22 political friends called to congratulate him on his appointment, which they described as sure to result in important advantages to the nation. Not a few proposed giving a banquet in honor of him on the eve of his departure-a custom which had become so common at this day that no distinguished minister ever thought of leaving without it. But this the general serenely23 declined, giving as a reason that he had heard it said how the gentlemen most busy in getting up these banquets left the payment to him who got the glory. He also had a slight recollection of what it cost him for the homage24 of the city fathers, and resolved to keep his fingers out of the pitch-pot for the future.
Like a good husband and a true hero, he visited his wife Polly, comforted her with a purse of gold and various other things, and gave her such a wonderful account of his successes as to make her doubt her senses. He also congratulated her that she was now the wife of a foreign minister, which would afford her the means of sending their son to the academy and their daughters to boarding school, where they would learn to play the piano, and be as fine as any of your ladies. But the good woman was affected25 to tears when he told her of the great distance between Barnstable and Kalorama, and only consented to his departure for that distant dominion26 out of respect to what every good woman ought to sacrifice for the benefit of her country. While, however, the thinking people of Barnstable were at a loss to know by what means he had got such an office, and were inclined to set it down for a joke of some waggish27 fellows in Washington, who were intent on testing the quality of the government for giving offices to fools, little Barnstable turned out in full force, and without the slightest respect for the great change in his fortunes, persisted in offering him a full measure of that species of ovation28 it was wont29 to pay him in times gone by.
Nearly two months had now passed; and although the newspapers frequently foretold30 the exact day the general would sail for the scene of his labors31, nothing was heard of his secretary. It ought to be mentioned here that he occupied his time in frequent interviews with Glanmoregain, who had designs on Kalorama very different from those entertained by the government. For while the latter had furnished instructions to the general, strictly32 enjoining33 him to cultivate a good understanding with this savage34 king, and to impress upon his mind the advantages of peace, avoiding carefully all disputes arising between rival chiefs, the former commended a course diametrically opposite. Having riches enough at his command to overthrow35 a dozen such kingdoms as Kalorama, and which he promised to deal out without stint36 in the employment of such vagabonds as are more fond of fighting than saying their prayers, he instructed the general to first find out how many cunning priests and lawyers were in the country; what love they bore one another; whether they were renegades or natives; what influence they had over the king; and how best they could be set by the ears. And when this knowledge was thoroughly37 acquired, to hasten the formation of rival factions38, being careful to throw the hot iron in wherever there was a chance, pleading at the same time for peace and harmony. Then if he could only get the priests at "cat-tails" with the court, which was easy enough, why, the prospect39 would be prodigious40. Every thing must be taken in time and season; and if the lawyers were renegades, and he could get them at splits with both, he could then get some ambitious leader (one with more self-love than patriotism) just to tip him the wink41, and invite him to become the champion of the strongest faction4; he could then, being careful to let the cause of humanity and the spread of civil liberty be his watchword, go out with his sword sharpened, and after cutting down the existing powers, snatch up the diadem42 and place it upon his own head. Glanmoregain explained his various plans with such minuteness that they all became cloud and mist in the general's mind; indeed, he began to debate within himself as to the means by which he could serve two masters whose interests seemed to run in directly opposite channels. Minister Potter had, however, a ready facility for everything, and although something of a simpleton, pledged himself to carry out Glanmoregain's instructions with as many protestations of good faith as he had offered the government in proof of his sincerity43. "Upon my military reputation, sir," said he, as Glanmoregain delivered to him a packet containing his instructions, "it will not take me long to get things as you want them. Say only that you want a dozen more such kingdoms, and I warrant to have them in your pocket in less time than it would take you to walk up Wall Street. But pray, sir, as to these vagabonds you speak of, take care that they be not men who have no fear of the devil and want all to be generals."
And when the merchant and his general had got all these little government matters so nicely compounded that they began to feel whole kingdoms between their fingers, the former took his departure and left the latter to himself. There were now only three days remaining before the general's departure; and as the government had vessels44 enough fouling45 their copper46 in our harbors, it was ordered that one be detached to convey the general to his place of destination. While then he was sitting puzzling his brain how to get a secretary who could manage the newspapers and attend to the duties of his office, and was ready to believe that Mr. Tickler had been foully47 murdered, that gentleman made his appearance, and gave so strange an excuse for his absence that I must beg the reader to turn to the next chapter, where he will find it faithfully recorded.
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1
waddled
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| v.（像鸭子一样）摇摇摆摆地走( waddle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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curiously
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| adv.有求知欲地；好问地；奇特地 | |
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vouchsafing
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| v.给予，赐予( vouchsafe的现在分词 )；允诺 | |
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faction
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| n.宗派，小集团；派别；派系斗争 | |
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villain
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| n.反派演员，反面人物；恶棍；问题的起因 | |
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reposed
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| v.将（手臂等）靠在某人（某物）上( repose的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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banish
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| vt.放逐，驱逐；消除，排除 | |
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tribulation
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| n.苦难，灾难 | |
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lament
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| n.悲叹，悔恨，恸哭；v.哀悼，悔恨，悲叹 | |
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proceeding
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| n.行动，进行，(pl.)会议录，学报 | |
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onward
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| adj.向前的，前进的；adv.向前，前进，在先 | |
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fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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speculations
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| n.投机买卖( speculation的名词复数 )；思考；投机活动；推断 | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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faculty
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| n.才能；学院，系；(学院或系的)全体教学人员 | |
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liking
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| n.爱好；嗜好；喜欢 | |
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outright
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| adv.坦率地；彻底地；立即；adj.无疑的；彻底的 | |
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missionaries
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| n.传教士( missionary的名词复数 ) | |
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distinguished
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| adj.卓越的，杰出的，著名的 | |
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serenely
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| adv.安详地，宁静地，平静地 | |
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homage
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| n.尊敬，敬意，崇敬 | |
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affected
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| adj.不自然的，假装的 | |
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dominion
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| n.统治，管辖，支配权；领土，版图 | |
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waggish
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| adj.诙谐的，滑稽的 | |
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ovation
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| n.欢呼，热烈欢迎，热烈鼓掌 | |
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wont
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| adj.习惯于；v.习惯；n.习惯 | |
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foretold
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| v.预言，预示( foretell的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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labors
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| v.努力争取(for)( labor的第三人称单数 )；苦干；详细分析；（指引擎）缓慢而困难地运转 | |
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strictly
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| adv.严厉地，严格地；严密地 | |
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enjoining
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| v.命令( enjoin的现在分词 ) | |
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savage
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| adj.野蛮的；凶恶的，残暴的；n.未开化的人 | |
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overthrow
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| v.推翻，打倒，颠覆；n.推翻，瓦解，颠覆 | |
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stint
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| v.节省，限制，停止；n.舍不得化，节约，限制；连续不断的一段时间从事某件事 | |
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thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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factions
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| 组织中的小派别，派系( faction的名词复数 ) | |
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prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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40
prodigious
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| adj.惊人的，奇妙的；异常的；巨大的；庞大的 | |
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41
wink
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| n.眨眼，使眼色，瞬间；v.眨眼，使眼色，闪烁 | |
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42
diadem
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| n.王冠，冕 | |
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43
sincerity
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| n.真诚，诚意；真实 | |
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44
vessels
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| n.血管( vessel的名词复数 )；船；容器；（具有特殊品质或接受特殊品质的）人 | |
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45
fouling
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| n.（水管、枪筒等中的）污垢v.使污秽( foul的现在分词 )；弄脏；击球出界；（通常用废物）弄脏 | |
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46
copper
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| n.铜；铜币；铜器；adj.铜(制)的；(紫)铜色的 | |
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47
foully
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| ad.卑鄙地 | |
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