A boy far more than a man is mentally a discontinuous being. The drifting chaos3 of his mind makes its experimental beginnings at a hundred different points and in a hundred different spirits and directions; here he flashes into a concrete realization4, here into a conviction unconsciously incompatible5; here is something originally conceived, here something uncritically accepted. I know that I criticized Mr. Siddons quite acutely, and disbelieved in him. I know also that I accepted all sorts of suggestions from him quite unhesitatingly and that I did my utmost to satisfy his standards and realize his ideals of me.
Like an outer casing to that primordial6 creature of senses and dreams which came to the surface in the solitudes7 of the Park was my Siddonsesque self, a high-minded and clean and brave English boy, conscientiously8 loyal to queen and country, athletic9 and a good sportsman and acutely alive to good and bad "form." Mr. Siddons made me aware of my clothed self as a visible object, I surveyed my garmented being in mirrors and was trained to feel the "awfulness" of various other small boys who appeared transitorily in the smaller Park when Lady Ladislaw extended her wide hospitality to certain benevolent10 London associations. Their ill-fitting clothing, their undisciplined outcries, their slouching, their bad throwing and defective11 aspirates were made matters for detestation in my plastic mind. Those things, I was assured, placed them outside the pale of any common humanity.
"Very unfortunate and all that," said Mr. Siddons, "and uncommonly12 good of Lady Ladislaw to have them down. But dirty little cads, Stephen, dirty little cads; so don't go near 'em if you can help it."
They played an indecent sort of cricket with coats instead of a wicket!
Mr. Siddons was very grave about games and the strict ritual and proper apparatus13 for games. He believed that Waterloo was won by the indirect influence of public school cricket—disregarding many other contributory factors. We did not play very much, but we "practised" sedulously14 at a net in the paddock with the gardener and the doctor's almost grown-up sons. I thought missing a possible catch was an impropriety. I studiously maintained the correct attitude, alert and elastic15, while I was fielding. Moreover I had a shameful16 secret, that I did not really know where a ball ought to pitch. I wasn't clear about it and I did not dare to ask. Also until I was nearly thirteen I couldn't bowl overarm. Such is the enduring force of early suggestion, my dear son, that I feel a faint twinge of shame as I set this down for your humiliated17 eyes. But so it was. May you be more precocious18!
Then I was induced to believe that I really liked hunting and killing19 things. In the depths of my being I was a gentle and primitive20 savage21 towards animals; I believed they were as subtle and wise as myself and full of a magic of their own, but Mr. Siddons nevertheless got me out into the south Warren, where I had often watched the rabbits setting their silly cock-eared sentinels and lolloping out to feed about sundown, and beguiled22 me into shooting a furry23 little fellow-creature—I can still see its eyelid24 quiver as it died—and carrying it home in triumph. On another occasion I remember I was worked up into a ferocious25 excitement about the rats in the old barn. We went ratting, just as though I was Tom Brown or Harry26 East or any other of the beastly little models of cant27 and cruelty we English boys were trained to imitate. It was great sport. It was a tremendous spree. The distracted movements, the scampering28 and pawing of the little pink forefeet of one squawking little fugitive29, that I hit with a stick and then beat to a shapeless bag of fur, haunted my dreams for years, and then I saw the bowels30 of another still living victim that had been torn open by one of the terriers, and abruptly31 I fled out into the yard and was violently sick; the best of the fun was over so far as I was concerned.
My cousin saved me from the uttermost shame of my failure by saying that I had been excited too soon after my dinner....
And also I collected stamps and birds' eggs.
Mr. Siddons hypnotized me into believing that I really wanted these things; he gave me an egg-cabinet for a birthday present and told me exemplary stories of the wonderful collections other boys had made. My own natural disposition32 to watch nests and establish heaven knows what friendly intimacy33 with the birds—perhaps I dreamt their mother might let me help to feed the young ones—gave place to a feverish34 artful hunting, a clutch, and then, detestable process, the blowing of the egg. Of course we were very humane35; we never took the nest, but just frightened off the sitting bird and grabbed a warm egg or so. And the poor perforated, rather damaged little egg-shells accumulated in the drawers, against the wished-for but never actually realized day of glory when we should meet another collector who wouldn't have—something that we had. So far as it was for anything and not mere2 imbecile imitativeness, it was for that.
And writing thus of eggs reminds me that I got into a row with Mr. Siddons for cruelty.
I discovered there was the nest of a little tit in a hole between two stones in the rock bank that bordered the lawn. I found it out when I was sitting on the garden seat near by, learning Latin irregular verbs. I saw the minute preposterous36 round birds going and coming, and I found something so absurdly amiable37 and confiding38 about them—they sat balancing and oscillating on a standard rose and cheeped at me to go and then dived nestward and gave away their secret out of sheer impatience—that I could not bring myself to explore further, and kept the matter altogether secret from the enthusiasm of Mr. Siddons. And in a few days there were no more eggs and I could hear the hungry little nestlings making the minutest of fairy hullabaloos, the very finest spun39 silk of sound; a tremendous traffic in victual began and I was the trusted friend of the family.
Then one morning I was filled with amazement40 and anguish41. There was a rock torn down and lying in the path; a paw had gone up to that little warm place. Across the gravel42, shreds43 of the nest and a wisp or so of down were scattered44. I could imagine the brief horrors of that night attack. I started off, picking up stones as I went, to murder that sandy devil, the stable cat. I got her once—alas! that I am still glad to think of it—and just missed her as she flashed, a ginger45 streak46, through the gate into the paddock.
"Now Steve! Now!" came Mr. Siddons' voice behind me....
How can one explain things of that sort to a man like Siddons? I took my lecture on the Utter Caddishness of Wanton Cruelty in a black rebellious47 silence. The affair and my own emotions were not only far beyond my powers of explanation, but far beyond my power of understanding. Just then my soul was in shapeless and aimless revolt against something greater and higher and deeper and darker than Siddons, and his reproaches were no more than the chattering48 of a squirrel while a storm uproots49 great trees. I wanted to kill the cat. I wanted to kill whatever had made that cat.
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1
candid
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| adj.公正的，正直的；坦率的 | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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chaos
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| n.混乱，无秩序 | |
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realization
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| n.实现；认识到，深刻了解 | |
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incompatible
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| adj.不相容的，不协调的，不相配的 | |
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6
primordial
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| adj.原始的；最初的 | |
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solitudes
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| n.独居( solitude的名词复数 )；孤独；荒僻的地方；人迹罕至的地方 | |
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8
conscientiously
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| adv.凭良心地；认真地，负责尽职地；老老实实 | |
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9
athletic
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| adj.擅长运动的，强健的；活跃的，体格健壮的 | |
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10
benevolent
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| adj.仁慈的，乐善好施的 | |
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11
defective
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| adj.有毛病的，有问题的，有瑕疵的 | |
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uncommonly
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| adv. 稀罕(极，非常) | |
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13
apparatus
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| n.装置，器械；器具，设备 | |
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sedulously
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| ad.孜孜不倦地 | |
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elastic
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| n.橡皮圈，松紧带；adj.有弹性的；灵活的 | |
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16
shameful
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| adj.可耻的，不道德的 | |
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humiliated
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| 感到羞愧的 | |
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precocious
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| adj.早熟的；较早显出的 | |
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19
killing
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| n.巨额利润；突然赚大钱，发大财 | |
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primitive
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| adj.原始的；简单的；n.原(始)人，原始事物 | |
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savage
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| adj.野蛮的；凶恶的，残暴的；n.未开化的人 | |
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beguiled
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| v.欺骗( beguile的过去式和过去分词 )；使陶醉；使高兴；消磨（时间等） | |
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23
furry
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| adj.毛皮的；似毛皮的；毛皮制的 | |
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eyelid
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| n.眼睑，眼皮 | |
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ferocious
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| adj.凶猛的，残暴的，极度的，十分强烈的 | |
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harry
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| vt.掠夺，蹂躏，使苦恼 | |
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cant
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| n.斜穿，黑话，猛扔 | |
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scampering
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| v.蹦蹦跳跳地跑，惊惶奔跑( scamper的现在分词 ) | |
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29
fugitive
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| adj.逃亡的，易逝的；n.逃犯，逃亡者 | |
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30
bowels
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| n.肠，内脏，内部；肠( bowel的名词复数 )；内部，最深处 | |
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31
abruptly
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| adv.突然地，出其不意地 | |
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32
disposition
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| n.性情，性格；意向，倾向；排列，部署 | |
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33
intimacy
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| n.熟悉，亲密，密切关系，亲昵的言行 | |
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34
feverish
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| adj.发烧的，狂热的，兴奋的 | |
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35
humane
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| adj.人道的，富有同情心的 | |
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preposterous
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| adj.荒谬的，可笑的 | |
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amiable
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| adj.和蔼可亲的，友善的，亲切的 | |
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confiding
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| adj.相信人的，易于相信的v.吐露（秘密，心事等）( confide的现在分词 )；（向某人）吐露（隐私、秘密等） | |
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39
spun
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| v.纺，杜撰，急转身 | |
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40
amazement
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| n.惊奇，惊讶 | |
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41
anguish
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| n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦，烦恼 | |
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42
gravel
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| n.砂跞；砂砾层；结石 | |
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43
shreds
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| v.撕碎，切碎( shred的第三人称单数 )；用撕毁机撕毁（文件） | |
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44
scattered
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| adj.分散的，稀疏的；散步的；疏疏落落的 | |
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45
ginger
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| n.姜，精力，淡赤黄色；adj.淡赤黄色的；vt.使活泼，使有生气 | |
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46
streak
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| n.条理，斑纹，倾向，少许，痕迹；v.加条纹，变成条纹，奔驰，快速移动 | |
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47
rebellious
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| adj.造反的，反抗的，难控制的 | |
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48
chattering
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| n. （机器振动发出的）咔嗒声，(鸟等)鸣，啁啾 adj. 喋喋不休的，啾啾声的 动词chatter的现在分词形式 | |
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49
uproots
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| v.把（某物）连根拔起( uproot的第三人称单数 )；根除；赶走；把…赶出家园 | |
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