CHAPTER 11

 I would if I could omit one thing that I must tell you here, because it goes so close to the very core of all this book has to convey. I wish I could leave it out altogether. I wish I could simplify my story by smoothing out this wrinkle at least and obliterating¹ a thing that was at once very real and very ugly. You see I had at last struggled up to a sustaining idea, to a conception of work and duty to which I could surely give my life. I had escaped from my pit so far. And it was natural that now with something to give I should turn not merely for consolation² and service but for help and fellowship to that dear human being across the seas who had offered them to me so straightly and sweetly. All that is brave and good and as you would have me, is it not? Only, dear son, that is not all the truth.

 

There was still in my mind, for long it remained in my mind, a bitterness against Mary. I had left her, I had lost her, we had parted; but from Germany to America and all through America and home again to my marriage and with me after my marriage, it rankled³ that she could still go on living a life independent of mine. I had not yet lost my desire to possess her, to pervade⁴ and dominate her existence; my resentment⁵ that though she loved me she had first not married me and afterwards not consented to come away with me was smouldering under the closed hatches of my mind. And so while the better part of me was laying hold of this work because it gave me the hope of a complete distraction⁶ and escape from my narrow and jealous self, that lower being of the pit was also rejoicing in the great enterprises before me and in the marriage upon which I had now determined⁷, because it was a last trampling⁸ upon my devotion to Mary, because it defied and denied some lurking⁹ claims to empire I could suspect in her. I want to tell you that particularly because so I am made, so you are made, so most of us are made. There is scarcely a high purpose in all the world that has no dwarfish¹⁰ footman at its stirrup, no base intention over which there does not ride at least the phantom¹¹ of an angel.

 

Constantly in those days, it seems to me now, I was haunted by my own imagination of Mary amiably¹² reconciled to Justin, bearing him children, forgetful of or repudiating¹³ all the sweetness, all the wonder and beauty we had shared.... It was an unjust and ungenerous conception, I knew it for a caricature even as I entertained it, and yet it tormented¹⁴ me. It stung me like a spur. It kept me at work, and if I strayed into indolence brought me back to work with a mind galled¹⁵ and bleeding....

1 obliterating   

v.除去( obliterate的现在分词 )；涂去；擦掉；彻底破坏或毁灭

参考例句：

• Michael smoked the competition, obliterating field in most of his events. 迈克尔让比赛放光，几乎淹没了他所参加的大多数项目。 来自互联网
• He heard Pam screaming.The noise became obliterating.Then solid darkness descended. 在一片混乱中，他听到了帕姆的尖叫。接下来，噪音消失了，黑暗降临了。 来自互联网

2 consolation   

n.安慰，慰问

参考例句：

• The children were a great consolation to me at that time.那时孩子们成了我的莫大安慰。
• This news was of little consolation to us.这个消息对我们来说没有什么安慰。

3 rankled   

v.（使）痛苦不已，（使）怨恨不已( rankle的过去式和过去分词 )

参考例句：

• Her comments still rankled. 她的评价仍然让人耿耿于怀。
• The insult rankled in his mind. 这种侮辱使他心里难受。 来自《简明英汉词典》

4 pervade   

v.弥漫，遍及，充满，渗透，漫延

参考例句：

• Science and technology have come to pervade every aspect of our lives.科学和技术已经渗透到我们生活的每一个方面。
• The smell of sawdust and glue pervaded the factory.工厂里弥漫着锯屑和胶水的气味。

5 resentment   

n.怨愤，忿恨

参考例句：

• All her feelings of resentment just came pouring out.她一股脑儿倾吐出所有的怨恨。
• She cherished a deep resentment under the rose towards her employer.她暗中对她的雇主怀恨在心。

6 distraction   

n.精神涣散，精神不集中，消遣，娱乐

参考例句：

• Total concentration is required with no distractions.要全神贯注，不能有丝毫分神。
• Their national distraction is going to the disco.他们的全民消遣就是去蹦迪。

7 determined   

adj.坚定的；有决心的

参考例句：

• I have determined on going to Tibet after graduation.我已决定毕业后去西藏。
• He determined to view the rooms behind the office.他决定查看一下办公室后面的房间。

8 trampling   

踩( trample的现在分词 )； 践踏； 无视； 侵犯

参考例句：

• Diplomats denounced the leaders for trampling their citizens' civil rights. 外交官谴责这些领导人践踏其公民的公民权。
• They don't want people trampling the grass, pitching tents or building fires. 他们不希望人们踩踏草坪、支帐篷或生火。

9 lurking   

潜在

参考例句：

• Why are you lurking around outside my house? 你在我房子外面鬼鬼祟祟的，想干什么？
• There is a suspicious man lurking in the shadows. 有一可疑的人躲在阴暗中。 来自《现代英汉综合大词典》

10 dwarfish   

a.像侏儒的，矮小的

参考例句：

• Her dwarfish spouse still smoked his cigar and drank his rum without heeding her. 她那矮老公还在吸他的雪茄，喝他的蔗酒，睬也不睬她。
• Rest no longer satisfied with thy dwarfish attainments, but press forward to things and heavenly. 不要再满足于属世的成就，要努力奔向属天的事物。

11 phantom   

n.幻影，虚位，幽灵；adj.错觉的，幻影的，幽灵的

参考例句：

• I found myself staring at her as if she were a phantom.我发现自己瞪大眼睛看着她，好像她是一个幽灵。
• He is only a phantom of a king.他只是有名无实的国王。

12 amiably   

adv.和蔼可亲地，亲切地

参考例句：

• She grinned amiably at us. 她咧着嘴向我们亲切地微笑。
• Atheists and theists live together peacefully and amiably in this country. 无神论者和有神论者在该国和睦相处。 来自《简明英汉词典》

13 repudiating   

v.（正式地）否认( repudiate的现在分词 )；拒绝接受；拒绝与…往来；拒不履行（法律义务）

参考例句：

• Instead of repudiating what he had done, he gloried in it. 他不但没有否定自己做过的事，反而引以为荣。 来自辞典例句
• He accused the government of tearing up(ie repudiating)the negotiated agreement. 他控告政府撕毁（不履行）协议。 来自互联网

14 tormented   

饱受折磨的

参考例句：

• The knowledge of his guilt tormented him. 知道了自己的罪责使他非常痛苦。
• He had lain awake all night, tormented by jealousy. 他彻夜未眠，深受嫉妒的折磨。

15 galled   

v.使…擦痛( gall的过去式和过去分词 )；擦伤；烦扰；侮辱

参考例句：

• Their unkind remarks galled her. 他们不友善的话语使她恼怒。 来自辞典例句
• He was galled by her insulting language. 他被她侮辱性的语言激怒了。 来自辞典例句