As he rounded a hillock, he perceived that the roadway was now a crying mass of wagons1, teams, and men. From the heaving tangle2 issued exhortations3, commands, imprecations. Fear was sweeping4 it all along. The cracking whips bit and horses plunged5 and tugged6. The white-topped wagons strained and stumbled in their exertions7 like fat sheep.
The youth felt comforted in a measure by this sight. They were all retreating. Perhaps, then, he was not so bad after all. He seated himself and watched the terror-stricken wagons. They fled like soft, ungainly animals. All the roarers and lashers served to help him to magnify the dangers and horrors of the engagement that he might try to prove to himself that the thing with which men could charge him was in truth a symmetrical act. There was an amount of pleasure to him in watching the wild march of this vindication8.
Presently the calm head of a forward-going column of infantry9 appeared in the road. It came swiftly on. Avoiding the obstructions11 gave it the sinuous12 movement of a serpent. The men at the head butted13 mules14 with their musket15 stocks. They prodded16 teamsters indifferent to all howls. The men forced their way through parts of the dense17 mass by strength. The blunt head of the column pushed. The raving18 teamsters swore many strange oaths.
The commands to make way had the ring of a great importance in them. The men were going forward to the heart of the din10. They were to confront the eager rush of the enemy. They felt the pride of their onward19 movement when the remainder of the army seemed trying to dribble20 down this road. They tumbled teams about with a fine feeling that it was no matter so long as their column got to the front in time. This importance made their faces grave and stern. And the backs of the officers were very rigid21.
As the youth looked at them the black weight of his woe22 returned to him. He felt that he was regarding a procession of chosen beings. The separation was as great to him as if they had marched with weapons of flame and banners of sunlight. He could never be like them. He could have wept in his longings23.
He searched about in his mind for an adequate malediction24 for the indefinite cause, the thing upon which men turn the words of final blame. It--whatever it was--was responsible for him, he said. There lay the fault.
The haste of the column to reach the battle seemed to the forlorn young man to be something much finer than stout25 fighting. Heroes, he thought, could find excuses in that long seething26 lane. They could retire with perfect self-respect and make excuses to the stars.
He wondered what those men had eaten that they could be in such haste to force their way to grim chances of death. As he watched his envy grew until he thought that he wished to change lives with one of them. He would have liked to have used a tremendous force, he said, throw off himself and become a better. Swift pictures of himself, apart, yet in himself, came to him--a blue desperate figure leading lurid27 charges with one knee forward and a broken blade high--a blue, determined28 figure standing29 before a crimson30 and steel assault, getting calmly killed on a high place before the eyes of all. He thought of the magnificent pathos31 of his dead body.
These thoughts uplifted him. He felt the quiver of war desire. In his ears, he heard the ring of victory. He knew the frenzy32 of a rapid successful charge. The music of the trampling33 feet, the sharp voices, the clanking arms of the column near him made him soar on the red wings of war. For a few moments he was sublime34.
He thought that he was about to start for the front. Indeed, he saw a picture of himself, dust-stained, haggard, panting, flying to the front at the proper moment to seize and throttle35 the dark, leering witch of calamity36.
Then the difficulties of the thing began to drag at him. He hesitated, balancing awkwardly on one foot.
He had no rifle; he could not fight with his hands, said he resentfully to his plan. Well, rifles could be had for the picking. They were extraordinarily37 profuse38.
Also, he continued, it would be a miracle if he found his regiment39. Well, he could fight with any regiment.
He started forward slowly. He stepped as if he expected to tread upon some explosive thing. Doubts and he were struggling.
He would truly be a worm if any of his comrades should see him returning thus, the marks of his flight upon him. There was a reply that the intent fighters did not care for what happened rearward saving that no hostile bayonets appeared there. In the battle-blur his face would, in a way, be hidden, like the face of a cowled man.
But then he said that his tireless fate would bring forth40, when the strife41 lulled42 for a moment, a man to ask of him an explanation. In imagination he felt the scrutiny43 of his companions as he painfully labored44 through some lies.
Eventually, his courage expended45 itself upon these objections. The debates drained him of his fire.
He was not cast down by this defeat of his plan, for, upon studying the affair carefully, he could not but admit that the objections were very formidable.
Furthermore, various ailments46 had begun to cry out. In their presence he could not persist in flying high with the wings of war; they rendered it almost impossible for him to see himself in a heroic light. He tumbled headlong.
He discovered that he had a scorching47 thirst. His face was so dry and grimy that he thought he could feel his skin crackle. Each bone of his body had an ache in it, and seemingly threatened to break with each movement. His feet were like two sores. Also, his body was calling for food. It was more powerful than a direct hunger. There was a dull, weight-like feeling in his stomach, and, when he tried to walk, his head swayed and he tottered48. He could not see with distinctness. Small patches of green mist floated before his vision.
While he had been tossed by many emotions, he had not been aware of ailments. Now they beset49 him and made clamor. As he was at last compelled to pay attention to them, his capacity for self-hate was multiplied. In despair, he declared that he was not like those others. He now conceded it to be impossible that he should ever become a hero. He was a craven loon50. Those pictures of glory were piteous things. He groaned51 from his heart and went staggering off.
A certain mothlike quality within him kept him in the vicinity of the battle. He had a great desire to see, and to get news. He wished to know who was winning.
He told himself that, despite his unprecedented52 suffering, he had never lost his greed for a victory, yet, he said, in a half-apologetic manner to his conscience, he could not but know that a defeat for the army this time might mean many favorable things for him. The blows of the enemy would splinter regiments53 into fragments. Thus, many men of courage, he considered, would be obliged to desert the colors and scurry54 like chickens. He would appear as one of them. They would be sullen55 brothers in distress56, and he could then easily believe he had not run any farther or faster than they. And if he himself could believe in his virtuous57 perfection, he conceived that there would be small trouble in convincing all others.
He said, as if in excuse for this hope, that previously58 the army had encountered great defeats and in a few months had shaken off all blood and tradition of them, emerging as bright and valiant59 as a new one; thrusting out of sight the memory of disaster, and appearing with the valor60 and confidence of unconquered legions. The shrilling61 voices of the people at home would pipe dismally62 for a time, but various generals were usually compelled to listen to these ditties. He of course felt no compunctions for proposing a general as a sacrifice. He could not tell who the chosen for the barbs63 might be, so he could center no direct sympathy upon him. The people were afar and he did not conceive public opinion to be accurate at long range. It was quite probable they would hit the wrong man who, after he had recovered from his amazement64 would perhaps spend the rest of his days in writing replies to the songs of his alleged65 failure. It would be very unfortunate, no doubt, but in this case a general was of no consequence to the youth.
In a defeat there would be a roundabout vindication of himself. He thought it would prove, in a manner, that he had fled early because of his superior powers of perception. A serious prophet upon predicting a flood should be the first man to climb a tree. This would demonstrate that he was indeed a seer.
A moral vindication was regarded by the youth as a very important thing. Without salve, he could not, he thought, wear the sore badge of his dishonor through life. With his heart continually assuring him that he was despicable, he could not exist without making it, through his actions, apparent to all men.
If the army had gone gloriously on he would be lost. If the din meant that now his army's flags were tilted66 forward he was a condemned67 wretch68. He would be compelled to doom69 himself to isolation70. If the men were advancing, their indifferent feet were trampling upon his chances for a successful life.
As these thoughts went rapidly through his mind, he turned upon them and tried to thrust them away. He denounced himself as a villain71. He said that he was the most unutterably selfish man in existence. His mind pictured the soldiers who would place their defiant72 bodies before the spear of the yelling battle fiend, and as he saw their dripping corpses74 on an imagined field, he said that he was their murderer.
Again he thought that he wished he was dead. He believed that he envied a corpse73. Thinking of the slain75, he achieved a great contempt for some of them, as if they were guilty for thus becoming lifeless. They might have been killed by lucky chances, he said, before they had had opportunities to flee or before they had been really tested. Yet they would receive laurels76 from tradition. He cried out bitterly that their crowns were stolen and their robes of glorious memories were shams77. However, he still said that it was a great pity he was not as they.
A defeat of the army had suggested itself to him as a means of escape from the consequences of his fall. He considered, now, however, that it was useless to think of such a possibility. His education had been that success for that mighty78 blue machine was certain; that it would make victories as a contrivance turns out buttons. He presently discarded all his speculations79 in the other direction. He returned to the creed80 of soldiers.
When he perceived again that it was not possible for the army to be defeated, he tried to bethink him of a fine tale which he could take back to his regiment, and with it turn the expected shafts81 of derision.
But, as he mortally feared these shafts, it became impossible for him to invent a tale he felt he could trust. He experimented with many schemes, but threw them aside one by one as flimsy. He was quick to see vulnerable places in them all.
Furthermore, he was much afraid that some arrow of scorn might lay him mentally low before he could raise his protecting tale.
He imagined the whole regiment saying: "Where's Henry Fleming? He run, didn't 'e? Oh, my!" He recalled various persons who would be quite sure to leave him no peace about it. They would doubtless question him with sneers82, and laugh at his stammering83 hesitation84. In the next engagement they would try to keep watch of him to discover when he would run.
Wherever he went in camp, he would encounter insolent85 and lingeringly cruel stares. As he imagined himself passing near a crowd of comrades, he could hear one say, "There he goes!"
Then, as if the heads were moved by one muscle, all the faces were turned toward him with wide, derisive86 grins. He seemed to hear some one make a humorous remark in a low tone. At it the others all crowed and cackled. He was a slang phrase.
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1
wagons
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| n.四轮的运货马车( wagon的名词复数 )；铁路货车；小手推车 | |
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2
tangle
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| n.纠缠；缠结；混乱；v.(使)缠绕；变乱 | |
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3
exhortations
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| n.敦促( exhortation的名词复数 )；极力推荐；（正式的）演讲；（宗教仪式中的）劝诫 | |
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sweeping
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| adj.范围广大的，一扫无遗的 | |
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plunged
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| v.颠簸( plunge的过去式和过去分词 )；暴跌；骤降；突降 | |
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tugged
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| v.用力拉，使劲拉，猛扯( tug的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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exertions
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| n.努力( exertion的名词复数 )；费力；（能力、权力等的）运用；行使 | |
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8
vindication
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| n.洗冤，证实 | |
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infantry
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| n.[总称]步兵(部队) | |
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10
din
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| n.喧闹声，嘈杂声 | |
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obstructions
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| n.障碍物( obstruction的名词复数 )；阻碍物；阻碍；阻挠 | |
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sinuous
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| adj.蜿蜒的，迂回的 | |
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butted
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| 对接的 | |
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mules
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| 骡( mule的名词复数 )； 拖鞋； 顽固的人； 越境运毒者 | |
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musket
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| n.滑膛枪 | |
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prodded
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| v.刺，戳( prod的过去式和过去分词 )；刺激；促使；（用手指或尖物）戳 | |
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17
dense
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| a.密集的，稠密的，浓密的；密度大的 | |
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raving
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| adj.说胡话的；疯狂的，怒吼的；非常漂亮的；令人醉心[痴心]的v.胡言乱语(rave的现在分词)n.胡话；疯话adv.胡言乱语地；疯狂地 | |
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onward
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| adj.向前的，前进的；adv.向前，前进，在先 | |
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dribble
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| v.点滴留下，流口水；n.口水 | |
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21
rigid
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| adj.严格的，死板的；刚硬的，僵硬的 | |
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woe
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| n.悲哀，苦痛，不幸，困难；int.用来表达悲伤或惊慌 | |
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23
longings
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| 渴望，盼望( longing的名词复数 ) | |
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malediction
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| n.诅咒 | |
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seething
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| 沸腾的，火热的 | |
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lurid
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| adj.可怕的；血红的；苍白的 | |
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determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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crimson
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| n./adj.深(绯)红色(的)；vi.脸变绯红色 | |
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31
pathos
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| n.哀婉，悲怆 | |
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32
frenzy
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| n.疯狂，狂热，极度的激动 | |
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33
trampling
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| 踩( trample的现在分词 )； 践踏； 无视； 侵犯 | |
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sublime
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| adj.崇高的，伟大的；极度的，不顾后果的 | |
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throttle
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| n.节流阀，节气阀，喉咙；v.扼喉咙，使窒息，压 | |
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36
calamity
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| n.灾害，祸患，不幸事件 | |
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37
extraordinarily
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| adv.格外地；极端地 | |
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38
profuse
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| adj.很多的，大量的，极其丰富的 | |
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39
regiment
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| n.团，多数，管理；v.组织，编成团，统制 | |
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40
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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41
strife
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| n.争吵，冲突，倾轧，竞争 | |
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42
lulled
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| vt.使镇静，使安静（lull的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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43
scrutiny
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| n.详细检查，仔细观察 | |
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44
labored
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| adj.吃力的，谨慎的v.努力争取(for)( labor的过去式和过去分词 )；苦干；详细分析；（指引擎）缓慢而困难地运转 | |
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45
expended
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| v.花费( expend的过去式和过去分词 )；使用（钱等）做某事；用光；耗尽 | |
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46
ailments
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| 疾病（尤指慢性病），不适( ailment的名词复数 ) | |
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47
scorching
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| adj. 灼热的 | |
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48
tottered
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| v.走得或动得不稳( totter的过去式和过去分词 )；踉跄；蹒跚；摇摇欲坠 | |
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49
beset
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| v.镶嵌；困扰，包围 | |
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50
loon
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| n.狂人 | |
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51
groaned
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| v.呻吟( groan的过去式和过去分词 )；发牢骚；抱怨；受苦 | |
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52
unprecedented
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| adj.无前例的，新奇的 | |
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53
regiments
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| （军队的）团( regiment的名词复数 )； 大量的人或物 | |
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54
scurry
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| vi.急匆匆地走；使急赶；催促；n.快步急跑，疾走；仓皇奔跑声；骤雨，骤雪；短距离赛马 | |
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55
sullen
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| adj.愠怒的，闷闷不乐的，(天气等)阴沉的 | |
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56
distress
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| n.苦恼，痛苦，不舒适；不幸；vt.使悲痛 | |
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57
virtuous
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| adj.有品德的，善良的，贞洁的，有效力的 | |
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58
previously
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| adv.以前，先前（地） | |
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59
valiant
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| adj.勇敢的，英勇的；n.勇士，勇敢的人 | |
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valor
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| n.勇气，英勇 | |
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61
shrilling
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| （声音）尖锐的，刺耳的，高频率的( shrill的现在分词 )； 凄厉 | |
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62
dismally
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| adv.阴暗地，沉闷地 | |
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63
barbs
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| n.（箭头、鱼钩等的）倒钩( barb的名词复数 )；带刺的话；毕露的锋芒；钩状毛 | |
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amazement
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| n.惊奇，惊讶 | |
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65
alleged
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| a.被指控的，嫌疑的 | |
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66
tilted
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| v. 倾斜的 | |
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67
condemned
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| adj. 被责难的, 被宣告有罪的 动词condemn的过去式和过去分词 | |
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68
wretch
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| n.可怜的人，不幸的人；卑鄙的人 | |
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69
doom
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| n.厄运，劫数；v.注定，命定 | |
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isolation
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| n.隔离，孤立，分解，分离 | |
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71
villain
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| n.反派演员，反面人物；恶棍；问题的起因 | |
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defiant
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| adj.无礼的，挑战的 | |
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corpse
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| n.尸体，死尸 | |
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corpses
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| n.死尸，尸体( corpse的名词复数 ) | |
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75
slain
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| 杀死，宰杀，杀戮( slay的过去分词 )； (slay的过去分词) | |
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76
laurels
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| n.桂冠，荣誉 | |
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77
shams
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| 假象( sham的名词复数 )； 假货； 虚假的行为（或感情、言语等）； 假装…的人 | |
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mighty
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| adj.强有力的；巨大的 | |
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79
speculations
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| n.投机买卖( speculation的名词复数 )；思考；投机活动；推断 | |
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80
creed
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| n.信条；信念，纲领 | |
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81
shafts
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| n.轴( shaft的名词复数 )；（箭、高尔夫球棒等的）杆；通风井；一阵（疼痛、害怕等） | |
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82
sneers
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| 讥笑的表情（言语）( sneer的名词复数 ) | |
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83
stammering
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| v.结巴地说出( stammer的现在分词 ) | |
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84
hesitation
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| n.犹豫，踌躇 | |
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85
insolent
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| adj.傲慢的，无理的 | |
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86
derisive
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| adj.嘲弄的 | |
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