When great Jove nods;
But Little Tin Gods make their little mistakes
In missing the hour when great Jove wakes.
As a general rule, it is inexpedient to meddle1 with questions of State in a land where men are highly paid to work them out for you. This tale is a justifiable2 exception.
Once in every five years, as you know, we indent3 for a new Viceroy; and each Viceroy imports, with the rest of his baggage, a Private Secretary, who may or may not be the real Viceroy, just as Fate ordains4. Fate looks after the Indian Empire because it is so big and so helpless.
There was a Viceroy once, who brought out with him a turbulent Private Secretary—a hard man with a soft manner and a morbid5 passion for work. This Secretary was called Wonder—John Fennil Wonder. The Viceroy possessed6 no name—nothing but a string of counties and two-thirds of the alphabet after them. He said, in confidence, that he was the electro-plated figurehead of a golden administration, and he watched in a dreamy, amused way Wonder's attempts to draw matters which were entirely7 outside his province into his own hands. “When we are all cherubims together,” said His Excellency once, “my dear, good friend Wonder will head the conspiracy8 for plucking out Gabriel's tail-feathers or stealing Peter's keys. THEN I shall report him.”
But, though the Viceroy did nothing to check Wonder's officiousness, other people said unpleasant things. Maybe the Members of Council began it; but, finally, all Simla agreed that there was “too much Wonder, and too little Viceroy,” in that regime. Wonder was always quoting “His Excellency.” It was “His Excellency this,” “His Excellency that,” “In the opinion of His Excellency,” and so on. The Viceroy smiled; but he did not heed9. He said that, so long as his old men squabbled with his “dear, good Wonder,” they might be induced to leave the “Immemorial East” in peace.
“No wise man has a policy,” said the Viceroy. “A Policy is the blackmail10 levied11 on the Fool by the Unforeseen. I am not the former, and I do not believe in the latter.”
I do not quite see what this means, unless it refers to an Insurance Policy. Perhaps it was the Viceroy's way of saying:—“Lie low.”
That season, came up to Simla one of these crazy people with only a single idea. These are the men who make things move; but they are not nice to talk to. This man's name was Mellish, and he had lived for fifteen years on land of his own, in Lower Bengal, studying cholera12. He held that cholera was a germ that propagated itself as it flew through a muggy13 atmosphere; and stuck in the branches of trees like a wool-flake. The germ could be rendered sterile14, he said, by “Mellish's Own Invincible15 Fumigatory”—a heavy violet-black powder—“the result of fifteen years' scientific investigation16, Sir!”
Inventors seem very much alike as a caste. They talk loudly, especially about “conspiracies of monopolists;” they beat upon the table with their fists; and they secrete17 fragments of their inventions about their persons.
Mellish said that there was a Medical “Ring” at Simla, headed by the Surgeon-General, who was in league, apparently18, with all the Hospital Assistants in the Empire. I forget exactly how he proved it, but it had something to do with “skulking up to the Hills;” and what Mellish wanted was the independent evidence of the Viceroy—“Steward of our Most Gracious Majesty19 the Queen, Sir.” So Mellish went up to Simla, with eighty-four pounds of Fumigatory in his trunk, to speak to the Viceroy and to show him the merits of the invention.
But it is easier to see a Viceroy than to talk to him, unless you chance to be as important as Mellishe of Madras. He was a six-thousand-rupee man, so great that his daughters never “married.” They “contracted alliances.” He himself was not paid. He “received emoluments,” and his journeys about the country were “tours of observation.” His business was to stir up the people in Madras with a long pole—as you stir up stench in a pond—and the people had to come up out of their comfortable old ways and gasp20:—“This is Enlightenment and progress. Isn't it fine!” Then they gave Mellishe statues and jasmine garlands, in the hope of getting rid of him.
Mellishe came up to Simla “to confer with the Viceroy.” That was one of his perquisites21. The Viceroy knew nothing of Mellishe except that he was “one of those middle-class deities22 who seem necessary to the spiritual comfort of this Paradise of the Middle-classes,” and that, in all probability, he had “suggested, designed, founded, and endowed all the public institutions in Madras.” Which proves that His Excellency, though dreamy, had experience of the ways of six-thousand-rupee men.
Mellishe's name was E. Mellishe and Mellish's was E. S. Mellish, and they were both staying at the same hotel, and the Fate that looks after the Indian Empire ordained23 that Wonder should blunder and drop the final “e;” that the Chaprassi should help him, and that the note which ran: “Dear Mr. Mellish.—Can you set aside your other engagements and lunch with us at two to-morrow? His Excellency has an hour at your disposal then,” should be given to Mellish with the Fumigatory. He nearly wept with pride and delight, and at the appointed hour cantered off to Peterhoff, a big paper-bag full of the Fumigatory in his coat-tail pockets. He had his chance, and he meant to make the most of it. Mellishe of Madras had been so portentously24 solemn about his “conference,” that Wonder had arranged for a private tiffin—no A.-D. C.'s, no Wonder, no one but the Viceroy, who said plaintively25 that he feared being left alone with unmuzzled autocrats26 like the great Mellishe of Madras.
But his guest did not bore the Viceroy. On the contrary, he amused him. Mellish was nervously27 anxious to go straight to his Fumigatory, and talked at random28 until tiffin was over and His Excellency asked him to smoke. The Viceroy was pleased with Mellish because he did not talk “shop.”
As soon as the cheroots were lit, Mellish spoke29 like a man; beginning with his cholera-theory, reviewing his fifteen years' “scientific labors,” the machinations of the “Simla Ring,” and the excellence30 of his Fumigatory, while the Viceroy watched him between half-shut eyes and thought: “Evidently, this is the wrong tiger; but it is an original animal.” Mellish's hair was standing31 on end with excitement, and he stammered32. He began groping in his coat-tails and, before the Viceroy knew what was about to happen, he had tipped a bagful of his powder into the big silver ash-tray.
“J-j-judge for yourself, Sir,” said Mellish. “Y' Excellency shall judge for yourself! Absolutely infallible, on my honor.”
He plunged33 the lighted end of his cigar into the powder, which began to smoke like a volcano, and send up fat, greasy34 wreaths of copper-colored smoke. In five seconds the room was filled with a most pungent35 and sickening stench—a reek36 that took fierce hold of the trap of your windpipe and shut it. The powder then hissed37 and fizzed, and sent out blue and green sparks, and the smoke rose till you could neither see, nor breathe, nor gasp. Mellish, however, was used to it.
“Nitrate of strontia,” he shouted; “baryta, bone-meal, etcetera! Thousand cubic feet smoke per cubic inch. Not a germ could live—not a germ, Y' Excellency!”
But His Excellency had fled, and was coughing at the foot of the stairs, while all Peterhoff hummed like a hive. Red Lancers came in, and the Head Chaprassi, who speaks English, came in, and mace-bearers came in, and ladies ran downstairs screaming “fire;” for the smoke was drifting through the house and oozing38 out of the windows, and bellying39 along the verandahs, and wreathing and writhing40 across the gardens. No one could enter the room where Mellish was lecturing on his Fumigatory, till that unspeakable powder had burned itself out.
Then an Aide-de-Camp, who desired the V. C., rushed through the rolling clouds and hauled Mellish into the hall. The Viceroy was prostrate41 with laughter, and could only waggle his hands feebly at Mellish, who was shaking a fresh bagful of powder at him.
“Glorious! Glorious!” sobbed42 his Excellency. “Not a germ, as you justly observe, could exist! I can swear it. A magnificent success!”
Then he laughed till the tears came, and Wonder, who had caught the real Mellishe snorting on the Mall, entered and was deeply shocked at the scene. But the Viceroy was delighted, because he saw that Wonder would presently depart. Mellish with the Fumigatory was also pleased, for he felt that he had smashed the Simla Medical “Ring.”
. . . . . . . . .
Few men could tell a story like His Excellency when he took the trouble, and the account of “my dear, good Wonder's friend with the powder” went the round of Simla, and flippant folk made Wonder unhappy by their remarks.
But His Excellency told the tale once too often—for Wonder. As he meant to do. It was at a Seepee Picnic. Wonder was sitting just behind the Viceroy.
“And I really thought for a moment,” wound up His Excellency, “that my dear, good Wonder had hired an assassin to clear his way to the throne!”
Every one laughed; but there was a delicate subtinkle in the Viceroy's tone which Wonder understood. He found that his health was giving way; and the Viceroy allowed him to go, and presented him with a flaming “character” for use at Home among big people.
“My fault entirely,” said His Excellency, in after seasons, with a twinkling in his eye. “My inconsistency must always have been distasteful to such a masterly man.”
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1
meddle
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| v.干预，干涉，插手 | |
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2
justifiable
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| adj.有理由的，无可非议的 | |
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3
indent
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| n.订单，委托采购，国外商品订货单，代购订单 | |
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4
ordains
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| v.任命（某人）为牧师( ordain的第三人称单数 )；授予（某人）圣职；（上帝、法律等）命令；判定 | |
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5
morbid
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| adj.病的；致病的；病态的；可怕的 | |
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6
possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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7
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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8
conspiracy
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| n.阴谋，密谋，共谋 | |
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9
heed
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| v.注意，留意；n.注意，留心 | |
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10
blackmail
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| n.讹诈，敲诈，勒索，胁迫，恫吓 | |
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11
levied
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| 征（兵）( levy的过去式和过去分词 )； 索取； 发动（战争）； 征税 | |
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12
cholera
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| n.霍乱 | |
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13
muggy
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| adj.闷热的；adv.（天气）闷热而潮湿地；n.（天气）闷热而潮湿 | |
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14
sterile
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| adj.不毛的，不孕的，无菌的，枯燥的，贫瘠的 | |
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15
invincible
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| adj.不可征服的，难以制服的 | |
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16
investigation
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| n.调查，调查研究 | |
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17
secrete
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| vt.分泌；隐匿，使隐秘 | |
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18
apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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19
majesty
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| n.雄伟，壮丽，庄严，威严；最高权威，王权 | |
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20
gasp
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| n.喘息，气喘；v.喘息；气吁吁他说 | |
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21
perquisites
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| n.（工资以外的）财务补贴( perquisite的名词复数 )；额外收入；（随职位而得到的）好处；利益 | |
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22
deities
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| n.神，女神( deity的名词复数 )；神祗；神灵；神明 | |
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23
ordained
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| v.任命（某人）为牧师( ordain的过去式和过去分词 )；授予（某人）圣职；（上帝、法律等）命令；判定 | |
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portentously
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25
plaintively
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| adv.悲哀地，哀怨地 | |
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26
autocrats
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| n.独裁统治者( autocrat的名词复数 )；独断专行的人 | |
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27
nervously
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| adv.神情激动地，不安地 | |
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28
random
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| adj.随机的；任意的；n.偶然的(或随便的)行动 | |
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29
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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30
excellence
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| n.优秀，杰出，(pl.)优点，美德 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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stammered
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| v.结巴地说出( stammer的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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33
plunged
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| v.颠簸( plunge的过去式和过去分词 )；暴跌；骤降；突降 | |
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34
greasy
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| adj. 多脂的，油脂的 | |
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pungent
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| adj.（气味、味道）刺激性的，辛辣的；尖锐的 | |
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36
reek
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| v.发出臭气；n.恶臭 | |
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37
hissed
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| 发嘶嘶声( hiss的过去式和过去分词 )； 发嘘声表示反对 | |
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38
oozing
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| v.（浓液等）慢慢地冒出，渗出( ooze的现在分词 )；使（液体）缓缓流出；（浓液）渗出，慢慢流出 | |
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bellying
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| 鼓出部；鼓鼓囊囊 | |
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40
writhing
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| （因极度痛苦而）扭动或翻滚( writhe的现在分词 ) | |
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41
prostrate
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| v.拜倒，平卧，衰竭；adj.拜倒的，平卧的，衰竭的 | |
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42
sobbed
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| 哭泣，啜泣( sob的过去式和过去分词 )； 哭诉，呜咽地说 | |
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