"Charlie, if you desert me I shall die."
She was driven now to appeal to his compassion1. She ought to have told him at once. When he knew the horrible alternative that was placed before her his generosity2, his sense of justice, his manliness3, would be so vehemently4 aroused that he would think of nothing but her danger. Oh, how passionately5 she desired to feel his dear, protecting arms around her!
"Walter wants me to go to Mei-tan-fu."
"Oh, but that's the place where the cholera6 is. They've got the worst epidemic7 that they've had for fifty years. It's no place for a woman. You can't possibly go there."
"If you let me down I shall have to."
"What do you mean? I don't understand."
"Walter is taking the place of the missionary8 doctor who died. He wants me to go with him."
"When?"
"Now. At once."
Townsend pushed back his chair and looked at her with puzzled eyes.
"I may be very stupid, but I can't make head or tail out of what you're saying. If he wants you to go to this place with him, what about a divorce?"
"He's given me my choice. I must either go to Mei-tan-fu or else he'll bring an action."
"Oh, I see." Townsend's tone changed ever so slightly. "I think that's rather decent of him, don't you?"
"Decent?"
"Well, it's a damned sporting thing of him to go there. It's not a thing I'd fancy. Of course he'll get a C.M.G. for it when he comes back."
"Well, I think if he wants you to go, under the circumstances I don't see how you can very well refuse."
"It means death. Absolutely certain death."
"Oh, damn it all, that's rather an exaggeration. He would hardly take you if he thought that. It's no more risk for you than for him. In point of fact there's no great risk if you're careful. I've been here when there's been cholera and I haven't turned a hair. The great thing is not to eat anything uncooked, no raw fruit or salads, or anything like that, and see that your drinking water is boiled." He was gaining confidence as he proceeded, and his speech was fluent; he was even becoming less sullen10 and more alert; he was almost breezy. "After all, it's his job, isn't it? He's interested in bugs11. It's rather a chance for him if you come to think of it."
"But me, Charlie?" she repeated, not with anguish now, but with consternation12.
"Well, the best way to understand a man is to put yourself in his shoes. From his point of view you've been rather a naughty little thing and he wants to get you out of harm's way. I always thought he never wanted to divorce you, he doesn't strike me as that sort of chap; but he made what he thought was a very generous offer and you put his back up by turning it down. I don't want to blame you, but really for all our sakes I think you ought to have given it a little consideration."
"But don't you see it'll kill me? Don't you know that he's taking me there because he knows it'll kill me."
"Oh, my dear, don't talk like that. We're in a damned awkward position and really it's no time to be melodramatic."
"You've made up your mind not to understand." Oh, the pain in her heart, and the fear! She could have screamed. "You can't send me to certain death. If you have no love or pity for me you must have just ordinary human feeling."
"I think it's rather hard on me to put it like that. As far as I can make out your husband is behaving very generously. He's willing to forgive you if you'll let him. He wants to get you away and this opportunity has presented itself to take you to some place where for a few months you'll be out of harm's way. I don't pretend that Mei-tan-fu is a health resort, I never knew a Chinese city that was, but there's no reason to get the wind up about it. In fact that's the worst thing you can do. I believe as many people die from sheer fright in an epidemic as because they get infected."
"At the first moment I can quite believe it was a shock, but when you come to look at it calmly you'll be all right. It'll be the sort of experience that not everyone has had."
"I thought, I thought . . ."
She rocked to and fro in an agony. He did not speak, and once more his face wore that sullen look which till lately she had never known. Kitty was not crying now. She was dry-eyed, calm, and though her voice was low it was steady.
"Do you want me to go?"
"It's Hobson's choice, isn't it?"
"Is it?"
"It's only fair to you to tell you that if your husband brought an action for divorce and won it I should not be in a position to marry you."
It must have seemed an age to him before she answered. She rose slowly to her feet.
"I don't think that my husband ever thought of bringing an action."
"Then why in God's name have you been frightening me out of my wits?" he asked.
She looked at him coolly.
"He knew that you'd let me down."
She was silent. Vaguely14, as when you are studying a foreign language and read a page which at first you can make nothing of, till a word or a sentence gives you a clue; and on a sudden a suspicion, as it were, of the sense flashes across your troubled wits, vaguely she gained an inkling into the workings of Walter's mind. It was like a dark and ominous15 landscape seen by a flash of lightning and in a moment hidden again by the night. She shuddered16 at what she saw.
"He made that threat only because he knew that you'd crumple17 up at it, Charlie. It's strange that he should have judged you so accurately18. It was just like him to expose me to such a cruel disillusion19."
Charlie looked down at the sheet of blotting20 paper in front of him. He was frowning a little and his mouth was sulky. But he did not reply.
"He knew that you were vain, cowardly and self-seeking. He wanted me to see it with my own eyes. He knew that you'd run like a hare at the approach of danger. He knew how grossly deceived I was in thinking that you were in love with me, because he knew that you were incapable21 of loving anyone but yourself. He knew you'd sacrifice me without a pang22 to save your own skin."
"If it really gives you any satisfaction to say beastly things to me I suppose I've got no right to complain. Women always are unfair and they generally manage to put a man in the wrong. But there is something to be said on the other side."
She took no notice of his interruption.
"And now I know all that he knew. I know that you're callous23 and heartless. I know that you're selfish, selfish beyond words, and I know that you haven't the nerve of a rabbit, I know you're a liar24 and a humbug25, I know that you're utterly26 contemptible27. And the tragic28 part is"—her face was on a sudden distraught with pain—"the tragic part is that notwithstanding I love you with all my heart."
"Kitty."
She gave a bitter laugh. He had spoken her name in that melting, rich tone of his which came to him so naturally and meant so little.
"You fool," she said.
He drew back quickly, flushing and offended; he could not make her out. She gave him a look in which there was a glint of amusement.
"You're beginning to dislike me, aren't you? Well, dislike me. It doesn't make any difference to me now."
She began to put on her gloves.
"What are you going to do?" he asked.
"Oh, don't be afraid, you'll come to no harm. You'll be quite safe."
"For God's sake, don't talk like that, Kitty," he answered and his deep voice rang with anxiety. "You must know that everything that concerns you concerns me. I shall be frightfully anxious to know what happens. What are you going to say to your husband?"
"I'm going to tell him that I'm prepared to go to Mei-tan-fu with him."
"Perhaps when you consent he won't insist."
He could not have known why, when he said this, she looked at him so strangely.
"You're not really frightened?" he asked her.
"No," she said. "You've inspired me with courage. To go into the midst of a cholera epidemic will be a unique experience and if I die of it—well, I die."
"I was trying to be as kind to you as I could."
She looked at him again. Tears sprang into her eyes once more and her heart was very full. The impulse was almost irresistible29 to fling herself on his breast and crush her lips against his. It was no use.
"If you want to know," she said, trying to keep her voice steady, "I go with death in my heart and fear. I do not know what Walter has in that dark, twisted mind of his, but I'm shaking with terror. I think it may be that death will be really a release."
She felt that she could not hold on to her self control for another moment. She walked swiftly to the door and let herself out before he had time to move from his chair. Townsend gave a long sigh of relief. He badly wanted a brandy and soda30.
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1
compassion
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| n.同情，怜悯 | |
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generosity
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| n.大度，慷慨，慷慨的行为 | |
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manliness
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| 刚毅 | |
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vehemently
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| adv. 热烈地 | |
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passionately
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| ad.热烈地，激烈地 | |
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cholera
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| n.霍乱 | |
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epidemic
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| n.流行病；盛行；adj.流行性的，流传极广的 | |
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missionary
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| adj.教会的，传教(士)的；n.传教士 | |
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anguish
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| n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦，烦恼 | |
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sullen
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| adj.愠怒的，闷闷不乐的，(天气等)阴沉的 | |
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11
bugs
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| adj.疯狂的，发疯的n.窃听器( bug的名词复数 )；病菌；虫子；[计算机]（制作软件程序所产生的意料不到的）错误 | |
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12
consternation
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| n.大为吃惊，惊骇 | |
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13
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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ominous
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| adj.不祥的，不吉的，预兆的，预示的 | |
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shuddered
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| v.战栗( shudder的过去式和过去分词 )；发抖；（机器、车辆等）突然震动；颤动 | |
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17
crumple
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| v.把...弄皱，满是皱痕，压碎，崩溃 | |
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18
accurately
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| adv.准确地，精确地 | |
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disillusion
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| vt.使不再抱幻想，使理想破灭 | |
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20
blotting
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| 吸墨水纸 | |
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incapable
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| adj.无能力的，不能做某事的 | |
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pang
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| n.剧痛，悲痛，苦闷 | |
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callous
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| adj.无情的，冷淡的，硬结的，起老茧的 | |
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liar
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| n.说谎的人 | |
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humbug
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| n.花招，谎话，欺骗 | |
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utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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contemptible
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| adj.可鄙的，可轻视的，卑劣的 | |
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tragic
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| adj.悲剧的，悲剧性的，悲惨的 | |
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irresistible
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| adj.非常诱人的，无法拒绝的，无法抗拒的 | |
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soda
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| n.苏打水；汽水 | |
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