The stage hero never has any work to do. He is always hanging about and getting into trouble. His chief aim in life is to be accused of crimes he has never committed, and if he can muddle1 things up with a corpse2 in some complicated way so as to get himself reasonably mistaken for the murderer, he feels his day has not been wasted.
He has a wonderful gift of speech and a flow of language calculated to strike terror to the bravest heart. It is a grand thing to hear him bullyragging the villain3.
The stage hero is always entitled to "estates," chiefly remarkable4 for their high state of cultivation5 and for the eccentric ground plan of the "manor6 house" upon them. The house is never more than one story high, but it makes up in green stuff over the porch what it lacks in size and convenience.
The chief drawback in connection with it, to our eyes, is that all the inhabitants of the neighboring village appear to live in the front garden, but the hero evidently thinks it rather nice of them, as it enables him to make speeches to them from the front doorstep—his favorite recreation.
There is generally a public-house immediately opposite. This is handy.
These "estates" are a great anxiety to the stage hero. He is not what you would call a business man, as far as we can judge, and his attempts to manage his own property invariably land him in ruin and distraction7. His "estates," however, always get taken away from him by the villain before the first act is over, and this saves him all further trouble with regard to them until the end of the play, when he gets saddled with them once more.
Not but what it must be confessed that there is much excuse for the poor fellow's general bewilderment concerning his affairs and for his legal errors and confusions generally. Stage "law" may not be quite the most fearful and wonderful mystery in the whole universe, but it's near it—very near it. We were under the impression at one time that we ourselves knew something—just a little—about statutory and common law, but after paying attention to the legal points of one or two plays we found that we were mere8 children at it.
We thought we would not be beaten, and we determined9 to get to the bottom of stage law and to understand it; but after some six months' effort our brain (a singularly fine one) began to soften10, and we abandoned the study, believing it would come cheaper in the end to offer a suitable reward, of about 50,000 pounds or 60,000 pounds, say, to any one who would explain it to us.
The reward has remained unclaimed to the present day and is still open.
One gentleman did come to our assistance a little while ago, but his explanations only made the matter more confusing to our minds than it was before. He was surprised at what he called our density11, and said the thing was all clear and simple to him. But we discovered afterward12 that he was an escaped lunatic.
The only points of stage "law" on which we are at all clear are as follows:
That if a man dies without leaving a will, then all his property goes to the nearest villain.
But if a man dies and leaves a will, then all his property goes to whoever can get possession of that will.
That the accidental loss of the three-and-sixpenny copy of a marriage certificate annuls13 the marriage.
That the evidence of one prejudiced witness of shady antecedents is quite sufficient to convict the most stainless14 and irreproachable15 gentleman of crimes for the committal of which he could have had no possible motive16.
But that this evidence may be rebutted17 years afterward, and the conviction quashed without further trial by the unsupported statement of the comic man.
That if A forges B's name to a check, then the law of the land is that B shall be sentenced to ten years' penal18 servitude.
That ten minutes' notice is all that is required to foreclose a mortgage.
That all trials of criminal cases take place in the front parlor19 of the victim's house, the villain acting20 as counsel, judge, and jury rolled into one, and a couple of policemen being told off to follow his instructions.
These are a few of the more salient features of stage "law" so far as we have been able to grasp it up to the present; but as fresh acts and clauses and modifications21 appear to be introduced for each new play, we have abandoned all hope of ever being able to really comprehend the subject.
To return to our hero, the state of the law, as above sketched22, naturally confuses him, and the villain, who is the only human being who does seem to understand stage legal questions, is easily able to fleece and ruin him. The simple-minded hero signs mortgages, bills of sale, deeds of gift, and such like things, under the impression that he is playing some sort of a round game; and then when he cannot pay the interest they take his wife and children away from him and turn him adrift into the world.
Being thrown upon his own resources, he naturally starves.
He can make long speeches, he can tell you all his troubles, he can stand in the lime-light and strike attitudes, he can knock the villain down, and he can defy the police, but these requirements are not much in demand in the labor23 market, and as they are all he can do or cares to do, he finds earning his living a much more difficult affair than he fancied.
There is a deal too much hard work about it for him. He soon gives up trying it at all, and prefers to eke24 out an uncertain existence by sponging upon good-natured old Irish women and generous but weak-minded young artisans who have left their native village to follow him and enjoy the advantage of his company and conversation.
And so he drags out his life during the middle of the piece, raving25 at fortune, raging at humanity, and whining26 about his miseries27 until the last act.
Then he gets back those "estates" of his into his possession once again, and can go back to the village and make more moral speeches and be happy.
Moral speeches are undoubtedly28 his leading article, and of these, it must be owned, he has an inexhaustible stock. He is as chock-full of noble sentiments as a bladder is of wind. They are weak and watery29 sentiments of the sixpenny tea-meeting order. We have a dim notion that we have heard them before. The sound of them always conjures30 up to our mind the vision of a dull long room, full of oppressive silence, broken only by the scratching of steel pens and an occasional whispered "Give us a suck, Bill. You know I always liked you;" or a louder "Please, sir, speak to Jimmy Boggles. He's a-jogging my elbow."
The stage hero, however, evidently regards these meanderings as gems31 of brilliant thought, fresh from the philosophic32 mine.
The gallery greets them with enthusiastic approval. They are a warm-hearted people, galleryites, and they like to give a hearty33 welcome to old friends.
And then, too, the sentiments are so good and a British gallery is so moral. We doubt if there could be discovered on this earth any body of human beings half so moral—so fond of goodness, even when it is slow and stupid—so hateful of meanness in word or deed—as a modern theatrical34 gallery.
The stage hero is a very powerful man. You wouldn't think it to look at him, but you wait till the heroine cries "Help! Oh, George, save me!" or the police attempt to run him in. Then two villains37, three extra hired ruffians and four detectives are about his fighting-weight.
If he knocks down less than three men with one blow, he fears that he must be ill, and wonders "Why this strange weakness?"
The hero has his own way of making love. He always does it from behind. The girl turns away from him when he begins (she being, as we have said, shy and timid), and he takes hold of her hands and breathes his attachment38 down her back.
The stage hero always wears patent-leather boots, and they are always spotlessly clean. Sometimes he is rich and lives in a room with seven doors to it, and at other times he is starving in a garret; but in either event he still wears brand-new patent-leather boots.
He might raise at least three-and-sixpence on those boots, and when the baby is crying for food, it occurs to us that it would be better if, instead of praying to Heaven, he took off those boots and pawned39 them; but this does not seem to occur to him.
He crosses the African desert in patent-leather boots, does the stage hero. He takes a supply with him when he is wrecked40 on an uninhabited island. He arrives from long and trying journeys; his clothes are ragged41 and torn, but his boots are new and shiny. He puts on patent-leather boots to tramp through the Australian bush, to fight in Egypt, to discover the north pole.
Sometimes he is a gold-digger, sometimes a dock laborer42, sometimes a soldier, sometimes a sailor, but whatever he is he wears patent-leather boots.
He goes boating in patent leather boots, he plays cricket in them; he goes fishing and shooting in them. He will go to heaven in patent-leather boots or he will decline the invitation.
The stage hero never talks in a simple, straightforward43 way, like a mere ordinary mortal.
"You will write to me when you are away, dear, won't you?" says the heroine.
A mere human being would reply:
"Why, of course I shall, ducky, every day."
But the stage hero is a superior creature. He says:
"Dost see yonder star, sweet?"
She looks up and owns that she does see yonder star; and then off he starts and drivels on about that star for full five minutes, and says he will cease to write to her when that pale star has fallen from its place amid the firmament44 of heaven.
The result of a long course of acquaintanceship with stage heroes has been, so far as we are concerned, to create a yearning45 for a new kind of stage hero. What we would like for a change would be a man who wouldn't cackle and brag46 quite so much, but who was capable of taking care of himself for a day without getting into trouble.
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1
muddle
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| n.困惑，混浊状态；vt.使混乱，使糊涂，使惊呆；vi.胡乱应付，混乱 | |
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2
corpse
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| n.尸体，死尸 | |
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villain
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| n.反派演员，反面人物；恶棍；问题的起因 | |
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4
remarkable
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| adj.显著的，异常的，非凡的，值得注意的 | |
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cultivation
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| n.耕作，培养，栽培（法），养成 | |
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manor
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| n.庄园，领地 | |
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7
distraction
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| n.精神涣散，精神不集中，消遣，娱乐 | |
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8
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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10
soften
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| v.(使)变柔软；(使)变柔和 | |
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density
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| n.密集，密度，浓度 | |
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afterward
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| adv.后来；以后 | |
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annuls
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| v.宣告无效( annul的第三人称单数 )；取消；使消失；抹去 | |
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stainless
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| adj.无瑕疵的，不锈的 | |
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irreproachable
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| adj.不可指责的，无过失的 | |
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motive
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| n.动机，目的；adv.发动的，运动的 | |
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rebutted
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| v.反驳，驳回( rebut的过去式和过去分词 )；击退 | |
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penal
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| adj.刑罚的；刑法上的 | |
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parlor
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| n.店铺，营业室；会客室，客厅 | |
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acting
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| n.演戏，行为，假装；adj.代理的，临时的，演出用的 | |
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21
modifications
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| n.缓和( modification的名词复数 )；限制；更改；改变 | |
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22
sketched
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| v.草拟（sketch的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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labor
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| n.劳动，努力，工作，劳工；分娩；vi.劳动，努力，苦干；vt.详细分析；麻烦 | |
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24
eke
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| v.勉强度日，节约使用 | |
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25
raving
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| adj.说胡话的；疯狂的，怒吼的；非常漂亮的；令人醉心[痴心]的v.胡言乱语(rave的现在分词)n.胡话；疯话adv.胡言乱语地；疯狂地 | |
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26
whining
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| n. 抱怨，牢骚 v. 哭诉，发牢骚 | |
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27
miseries
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| n.痛苦( misery的名词复数 )；痛苦的事；穷困；常发牢骚的人 | |
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28
undoubtedly
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| adv.确实地，无疑地 | |
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29
watery
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| adj.有水的，水汪汪的；湿的，湿润的 | |
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30
conjures
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| 用魔术变出( conjure的第三人称单数 )； 祈求，恳求； 变戏法； （变魔术般地） 使…出现 | |
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31
gems
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| growth； economy； management； and customer satisfaction 增长 | |
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32
philosophic
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| adj.哲学的，贤明的 | |
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33
hearty
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| adj.热情友好的；衷心的；尽情的，纵情的 | |
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theatrical
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| adj.剧场的，演戏的；做戏似的，做作的 | |
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35
Christian
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| adj.基督教徒的；n.基督教徒 | |
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36
martyrs
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| n.martyr的复数形式；烈士( martyr的名词复数 )；殉道者；殉教者；乞怜者（向人诉苦以博取同情） | |
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37
villains
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| n.恶棍( villain的名词复数 )；罪犯；（小说、戏剧等中的）反面人物；淘气鬼 | |
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38
attachment
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| n.附属物，附件；依恋；依附 | |
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39
pawned
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| v.典当，抵押( pawn的过去式和过去分词 )；以（某事物）担保 | |
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40
wrecked
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| adj.失事的，遇难的 | |
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41
ragged
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| adj.衣衫褴褛的，粗糙的，刺耳的 | |
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42
laborer
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| n.劳动者，劳工 | |
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43
straightforward
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| adj.正直的，坦率的；易懂的，简单的 | |
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44
firmament
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| n.苍穹；最高层 | |
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45
yearning
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| a.渴望的；向往的；怀念的 | |
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46
brag
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| v./n.吹牛，自夸；adj.第一流的 | |
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