THE CHILD.

 We have come across real infants now and then in the course of visits to married friends; they have been brought to us from outlying parts of the house and introduced to us for our edification; and we have found them gritty and sticky. Their boots have usually been muddy, and they have wiped them up against our new trousers. And their hair has suggested the idea that they have been standing¹ on their heads in the dust-bin.

 

And they have talked to us—but not prettily², not at all—rather rude we should call it.

 

But the stage child is very different. It is clean and tidy. You can touch it anywhere and nothing comes off. Its face glows with soap and water. From the appearance of its hands it is evident that mud-pies and tar³ are joys unknown to it. As for its hair, there is something uncanny about its smoothness and respectability. Even its boot-laces are done up.

 

We have never seen anything like the stage child outside a theater excepting one—that was on the pavement in front of a tailor's shop in Tottenham Court Road. He stood on a bit of round wood, and it was fifteen and nine, his style.

 

We thought in our ignorance prior to this that there could not be anything in the world like the stage child, but you see we were mistaken.

 

The stage child is affectionate to its parents and its nurse and is respectful in its demeanor⁴ toward those whom Providence⁵ has placed in authority over it; and so far it is certainly much to be preferred to the real article. It speaks of its male and female progenitors⁶ as "dear, dear papa" and "dear, dear mamma," and it refers to its nurse as "darling nursey." We are connected with a youthful child ourselves—a real one—a nephew. He alludes⁷ to his father (when his father is not present) as "the old man," and always calls the nurse "old nut-crackers." Why cannot they make real children who say "dear, dear mamma" and "dear, dear papa?"

 

The stage child is much superior to the live infant in every way. The stage child does not go rampaging about a house and screeching⁸ and yelling till nobody knows whether they are on their heads or their heels.

 

A stage child does not get up at five o'clock in the morning to practice playing on a penny whistle. A stage child never wants a bicycle and drives you mad about it. A stage child does not ask twenty complicated questions a minute about things that you don't understand, and then wind up by asking why you don't seem to know anything, and why wouldn't anybody teach you anything when you were a little boy.

 

The stage child does not wear a hole in the seat of its knickerbockers and have to have a patch let in. The stage child comes downstairs on its feet.

 

The stage child never brings home six other children to play at horses in the front garden, and then wants to know if they can all come in to tea. The stage child never has the wooping-cough, and the measles⁹, and every other disease that it can lay its hands on, and be laid up with them one after the other and turn the house upside down.

 

The stage child's department in the scheme of life is to harrow up its mother's feelings by ill-timed and uncalled-for questions about its father. It always wants to know, before a roomful of people, where "dear papa" is, and why he has left dear mamma; when, as all the guests know, the poor man is doing his two years' hard or waiting to be hanged. It makes everybody so uncomfortable.

 

It is always harrowing up somebody—the stage child; it really ought not to be left about as it is. When it has done upsetting its mother it fishes out some broken-hearted maid, who has just been cruelly severed¹⁰ forever from her lover, and asks her in a high falsetto voice why she doesn't get married, and prattles¹¹ to her about love, and domestic bliss¹², and young men, and any other subject it can think of particularly calculated to lacerate the poor girl's heart until her brain nearly gives way.

 

After that it runs amuck¹³ up and down the whole play and makes everybody sit up all round. It asks eminently¹⁴ respectable old maids if they wouldn't like to have a baby; and it wants to know why bald-headed old men have left off wearing hair, and why other old gentlemen have red noses and if they were always that color.

 

In some plays it so happens that the less said about the origin and source of the stage child the better; and in such cases nothing will appear so important to that contrary brat¹⁵ as to know, in the middle of an evening-party, who its father was!

 

Everybody loves the stage child. They catch it up in their bosoms¹⁶ every other minute and weep over it. They take it in turns to do this.

 

Nobody—on the stage, we mean—ever has enough of the stage child. Nobody ever tells the stage child to "shut up" or to "get out of this." Nobody ever clumps¹⁷ the stage child over the head.

 

When the real child goes to the theater it must notice these things and wish it were a stage child.

 

The stage child is much admired by the audience. Its pathos¹⁸ makes them weep; its tragedy thrills them; its declamation—as for instance when it takes the center of the stage and says it will kill the wicked man, and the police, and everybody who hurts its mar—stirs them like a trumpet²⁰ note; and its light comedy is generally held to be the most truly humorous thing in the whole range of dramatic art.

 

But there are some people so strangely constituted that they do not appreciate the stage child; they do not comprehend its uses; they do not understand its beauties. We should not be angry with them. We should the rather pity them.

 

We ourselves had a friend once who suffered from this misfortune. He was a married man, and Providence had been very gracious, very good to him: he had been blessed with eleven children, and they were all growing up well and strong.

 

The "baby" was eleven weeks old, and then came the twins, who were getting on for fifteen months and were cutting their double teeth nicely. The youngest girl was three; there were five boys aged¹⁹ seven, eight, nine, ten, and twelve respectively—good enough lads, but—well, there, boys will be boys, you know; we were just the same ourselves when we were young. The two eldest²¹ were both very pleasant girls, as their mother said; the only pity was that they would quarrel so with each other.

 

We never knew a healthier set of boys and girls. They were so full of energy and dash.

 

Our friend was very much out of sorts one evening when we called on him. It was holiday-time and wet weather. He had been at home all day, and so had all the children. He was telling his wife when we entered the room that if the holidays were to last much longer and those twins did not hurry up and get their teeth quickly, he should have to go away and join the County Council. He could not stand the racket.

 

His wife said she could not see what he had to complain of. She was sure better-hearted children no man could have.

 

Our friend said he didn't care a straw about their hearts. It was their legs and arms and lungs that were driving him crazy.

 

He also said that he would go out with us and get away from it for a bit, or he should go mad.

 

He proposed a theater, and we accordingly made our way toward the Strand²². Our friend, in closing the door behind him, said he could not tell us what a relief it was to get away from those children. He said he loved children very much indeed, but that it was a mistake to have too much of anything, however much you liked it, and that he had come to the conclusion that twenty-two hours a day of them was enough for any one.

 

He said he did not want to see another child or hear another child until he got home. He wanted to forget that there were such things as children in the world.

 

We got up to the Strand and dropped into the first theater we came to. The curtain went up, and on the stage was a small child standing in its nightshirt and screaming for its mother.

 

Our friend looked, said one word and bolted, and we followed.

 

We went a little further and dropped into another theater.

 

Here there were two children on the stage. Some grown-up people were standing round them listening, in respectful attitudes, while the children talked. They appeared to be lecturing about something.

 

Again we fled, swearing, and made our way to a third theater. They were all children there. It was somebody or other's Children's Company performing an opera, or pantomime, or something of that sort.

 

Our friend said he would not venture into another theater. He said he had heard there were places called music-halls, and he begged us to take him to one of these and not to tell his wife.

 

We inquired of a policeman and found that there really were such places, and we took him into one.

 

The first thing we saw were two little boys doing tricks on a horizontal bar.

 

Our friend was about to repeat his customary programme of flying and cursing, but we restrained him. We assured him that he would really see a grown-up person if he waited a bit, so he sat out the boys and also their little sister on a bicycle and waited for the next item.

 

It turned out to be an infant phenomenon who sang and danced in fourteen different costumes, and we once more fled.

 

Our friend said he could not go home in the state he was then; he felt sure he should kill the twins if he did. He pondered for awhile, and then he thought he would go and hear some music. He said he thought a little music would soothe²³ and ennoble him—make him feel more like a Christian²⁴ than he did at that precise moment.

 

We were near St. James' Hall, so we went in there.

 

The hall was densely²⁵ crowded, and we had great difficulty in forcing our way to our seats. We reached them at length, and then turned our eyes toward the orchestra.

 

"The marvelous boy pianist—only ten years old!" was giving a recital²⁶.

 

Then our friend rose and said he thought he would give it up and go home.

 

We asked him if he would like to try any other place of amusement, but he said "No." He said that when you came to think of it, it seemed a waste of money for a man with eleven children of his own to go about to places of entertainment nowadays.

1 standing   

n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的

参考例句：

• After the earthquake only a few houses were left standing.地震过后只有几幢房屋还立着。
• They're standing out against any change in the law.他们坚决反对对法律做任何修改。

2 prettily   

adv.优美地；可爱地

参考例句：

• It was prettily engraved with flowers on the back.此件雕刻精美，背面有花饰图案。
• She pouted prettily at him.她冲他撅着嘴，样子很可爱。

3 tar   

n.柏油，焦油；vt.涂或浇柏油/焦油于

参考例句：

• The roof was covered with tar.屋顶涂抹了一层沥青。
• We use tar to make roads.我们用沥青铺路。

4 demeanor   

n.行为；风度

参考例句：

• She is quiet in her demeanor.她举止文静。
• The old soldier never lost his military demeanor.那个老军人从来没有失去军人风度。

5 providence   

n.深谋远虑，天道，天意；远见；节约；上帝

参考例句：

• It is tempting Providence to go in that old boat.乘那艘旧船前往是冒大险。
• To act as you have done is to fly in the face of Providence.照你的所作所为那样去行事，是违背上帝的意志的。

6 progenitors   

n.祖先( progenitor的名词复数 )；先驱；前辈；原本

参考例句：

• The researchers also showed that the progenitors mature into neurons in Petri dishes. 研究人员还表示，在佩特里培养皿中的脑细胞前体可以发育成神经元。 来自英汉非文学 - 生命科学 - 大脑与疾病
• Though I am poor and wretched now, my progenitors were famously wealthy. 别看我现在穷困潦倒，我家上世可是有名的富翁。 来自互联网

7 alludes   

提及，暗指( allude的第三人称单数 )

参考例句：

• In the vegetable kingdom Mr. Mivart only alludes to two cases. 在植物界中，密伐脱先生仅提出两点。
• Black-box testing alludes to test that are conducted at the software interface. 黑箱测试是指测试软件接口进行。

8 screeching   

v.发出尖叫声( screech的现在分词 )；发出粗而刺耳的声音；高叫

参考例句：

• Monkeys were screeching in the trees. 猴子在树上吱吱地叫着。
• the unedifying sight of the two party leaders screeching at each other 两党党魁狺狺对吠的讨厌情景

9 measles   

n.麻疹，风疹，包虫病，痧子

参考例句：

• The doctor is quite definite about Tom having measles.医生十分肯定汤姆得了麻疹。
• The doctor told her to watch out for symptoms of measles.医生叫她注意麻疹出现的症状。

10 severed   

v.切断，断绝( sever的过去式和过去分词 )；断，裂

参考例句：

• The doctor said I'd severed a vessel in my leg. 医生说我割断了腿上的一根血管。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• We have severed diplomatic relations with that country. 我们与那个国家断绝了外交关系。 来自《简明英汉词典》

11 prattles   

v.（小孩般）天真无邪地说话( prattle的第三人称单数 )；发出连续而无意义的声音；闲扯；东拉西扯

参考例句：

• She prattles on about the village gossip. 她闲扯些村里的事。 来自互联网
• I find myself unaccustomed to the present situation where no one prattles on besides me. 现在没人絮语，反而有点不习惯了。 来自互联网

12 bliss   

n.狂喜，福佑，天赐的福

参考例句：

• It's sheer bliss to be able to spend the day in bed.整天都可以躺在床上真是幸福。
• He's in bliss that he's won the Nobel Prize.他非常高兴，因为获得了诺贝尔奖金。

13 amuck   

ad.狂乱地

参考例句：

• The sea ran amuck.海上风暴肆虐。
• The scoundrels who ran amuck will be severely punished.横行无忌的歹徒将受到严惩。

14 eminently   

adv.突出地；显著地；不寻常地

参考例句：

• She seems eminently suitable for the job. 她看来非常适合这个工作。
• It was an eminently respectable boarding school. 这是所非常好的寄宿学校。 来自《简明英汉词典》

15 brat   

n.孩子；顽童

参考例句：

• He's a spoilt brat.他是一个被宠坏了的调皮孩子。
• The brat sicked his dog on the passer-by.那个顽童纵狗去咬过路人。

16 bosoms   

胸部( bosom的名词复数 )； 胸怀； 女衣胸部（或胸襟）； 和爱护自己的人在一起的情形

参考例句：

• How beautifully gold brooches glitter on the bosoms of our patriotic women! 金光闪闪的别针佩在我国爱国妇女的胸前，多美呀！
• Let us seek out some desolate shade, and there weep our sad bosoms empty. 我们寻个僻静的地方，去痛哭一场吧。

17 clumps   

n.（树、灌木、植物等的）丛、簇( clump的名词复数 )；（土、泥等）团；块；笨重的脚步声v.（树、灌木、植物等的）丛、簇( clump的第三人称单数 )；（土、泥等）团；块；笨重的脚步声

参考例句：

• These plants quickly form dense clumps. 这些植物很快形成了浓密的树丛。 来自《简明英汉词典》
• The bulbs were over. All that remained of them were clumps of brown leaves. 这些鳞茎死了，剩下的只是一丛丛的黃叶子。 来自《简明英汉词典》

18 pathos   

n.哀婉，悲怆

参考例句：

• The pathos of the situation brought tears to our eyes.情况令人怜悯，看得我们不禁流泪。
• There is abundant pathos in her words.她的话里富有动人哀怜的力量。

19 aged   

adj.年老的，陈年的

参考例句：

• He had put on weight and aged a little.他胖了，也老点了。
• He is aged,but his memory is still good.他已年老，然而记忆力还好。

20 trumpet   

n.喇叭，喇叭声；v.吹喇叭，吹嘘

参考例句：

• He plays the violin, but I play the trumpet.他拉提琴，我吹喇叭。
• The trumpet sounded for battle.战斗的号角吹响了。

21 eldest   

adj.最年长的，最年老的

参考例句：

• The King's eldest son is the heir to the throne.国王的长子是王位的继承人。
• The castle and the land are entailed on the eldest son.城堡和土地限定由长子继承。

22 strand   

vt.使（船）搁浅，使（某人）困于（某地）

参考例句：

• She tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ears.她把一缕散发夹到了耳后。
• The climbers had been stranded by a storm.登山者被暴风雨困住了。

23 soothe   

v.安慰；使平静；使减轻；缓和；奉承

参考例句：

• I've managed to soothe him down a bit.我想方设法使他平静了一点。
• This medicine should soothe your sore throat.这种药会减轻你的喉痛。

24 Christian   

adj.基督教徒的；n.基督教徒

参考例句：

• They always addressed each other by their Christian name.他们总是以教名互相称呼。
• His mother is a sincere Christian.他母亲是个虔诚的基督教徒。

25 densely   

ad.密集地；浓厚地

参考例句：

• A grove of trees shadowed the house densely. 树丛把这幢房子遮蔽得很密实。
• We passed through miles of densely wooded country. 我们穿过好几英里茂密的林地。

26 recital   

n.朗诵，独奏会，独唱会

参考例句：

• She is going to give a piano recital.她即将举行钢琴独奏会。
• I had their total attention during the thirty-five minutes that my recital took.在我叙述的35分钟内，他们完全被我吸引了。