He bent5 his steps towards home, walking the whole way; he moved along the streets mechanically. The crowds passed and repassed him, but he seemed far away. Once or twice he lifted his head to them with a yearning6 gesture. "Oh! that I were like you! bent on business, on pleasure, on social intercourse7!" passed through his mind. "I am not as you; and for me you can do nothing. You cannot give me health; you cannot give me life."
He entered his home, and was conscious of merry voices and flitting footsteps. A little scene of gaiety was going on: he knew of this, but had forgotten it until that instant. It was the birthday of his little girl, and a few young friends had been invited to make merry. Jane, looking almost as young, quite as pretty, as when she married him, sat at the far end of their largest room before a well-spread tea-table. She wore festival attire8. A dress of pearl-grey silk, and a thin gold chain round her neck. The little girls were chiefly in white, and the boys were on their best behaviour. Jane was telling them that tea was ready, and her two servants were helping9 to place the little people, and to wait upon them.
"Oh, and here's papa, too! just in time," she cried, lifting her eyes gladly at her husband. "That is delightful10!"
Mr. Halliburton welcomed the children. He kissed some, he talked to others, just as if he had not that terrible vulture, care, within him. They saw nothing amiss; neither did Jane. He took his seat, and drank his tea; all, as it were, mechanically. It did not seem to be himself; he thought it must be some one else. In the last hour, his whole identity appeared to have changed. Bread and butter was handed to him. He took a slice and left it. Jane put some cake on to his plate: he left that also. Eat! with that awful fiat racking his senses! No, it was not possible.
Ho looked round on his children. His. William, a gentle boy, with his mother's calm, good face and her earnest eyes; Jane, a lovely child, with fair curls flowing and a bright colour, consciously vain this evening in her white birthday robes and her white ribbons; Frank, a slim, dark-eyed boy, always in mischief11, his features handsome and clearly cut as were his father's; Gar, a delicate little chap, with fair curls like his sister Jane's. Must he leave those children?—abandon them to the mercies of a cold and cruel world?—bequeath them no place in it; no means of support? "Oh, God! Oh, God!" broke from his bitter heart, "if it be Thy will to take me, mayst Thou shelter them!"
"Edgar!"
"Edgar, have you been up to Dr. Carrington's?" she whispered, bending towards him.
In his confusion he muttered some unintelligible13 words, which she interpreted into a denial; there was a great deal of buzzing just then from the young voices around. Two of the gentlemen, Frank being one, were in hot contention14 touching15 a third gentleman's rabbits. Mrs. Halliburton called Frank to order, and said no more to her husband for the present.
"We are to dance after tea," said Jane. "I have been learning one quadrille to play. It is very easy, and mamma says I play it very well."
Opinions were divided again. The girls wanted dancing, the boys blindman's-buff. Mrs. Halliburton was appealed to.
"I think it must be dancing first and blindman's-buff afterwards," said she.
Tea over, the furniture was pushed aside to clear a space for the dancers. Mr. Halliburton, his back against the wall, stood looking at them. Looking at them as was supposed; but had they been keen observers, they would have known that his eyes in reality saw not: they, like his thoughts, were far away.
His wife did presently notice that he seemed particularly abstracted. She came up to him; he was standing17 with his arms folded, his head bent. "Edgar, are you well?"
"Well? Oh yes, dear," he replied, making an effort to rouse himself.
"I hope you have no more teaching to-night?"
"I ought to go to young Finchley. I put him off until seven o'clock."
"Then"—was her quick rejoinder—"if you put off young Finchley, how was it you could not get to Savile-row?"
"I have been occupied all the afternoon, Jane," he said. Wanting the courage to say how the matter really stood, he evaded18 the question.
But, to go to young Finchley or to any other pupil that night, Mr. Halliburton felt himself physically19 unequal. Teach! Explain abstruse20 Greek and Latin rules, with his mind in its present state! It seemed to him that it mattered little—if he was to be taken from them so soon—whether he ever taught again. He was in the very depths of depression.
Suddenly, as he stood looking on, a thought came flashing over him as a ray of light. As a ray of light? Nay21, as a whole flood of it. What if Dr. Carrington were wrong?—if it should prove that, in reality, nothing was the matter with him? Doctors—and very clever ones—were, he knew, sometimes mistaken. Perhaps Dr. Carrington had been so!
It was scarcely likely, he went on to reason, that a mortal disease should be upon him, and he have lived in ignorance of it! Why, he seemed to have had very little the matter with him; nothing to talk of, nothing to lie up for; comparatively speaking, he had been a healthy man—was in health then. Yes, the belief did present itself that Dr. Carrington was deceived. He, in the interests of the insurance office, might be unnecessarily cautious.
Mr. Halliburton left the wall, and grew cheerful and gay, and talked freely to the children. One little lady asked if he would dance with her. He laughed, and felt half inclined to do so.
Which was the true mood—that sombre one, or this? Was there nothing false about this one—was there no secret consciousness that it did not accord with his mind's actual belief; that he was only forcing it? Be it as it would, it did not last; in the very middle of a laughing sentence to his own little Janey, the old agony, the fear, returned—returned with terrific violence, as a torrent22 that has burst its bounds.
"I cannot bear this uncertainty23!" he murmured to himself. And he went out of the room and took up his hat. Mrs. Halliburton, who at that moment happened to be crossing from another room, saw him open the hall-door.
"Are you going to young Finchley, Edgar?"
"No. I shall give him holiday for to-night. I shall be in soon, Jane."
He went straight to their own family doctor; a Mr. Allen, who lived close by. They were personal friends.
To the inquiry24 as to whether Mr. Allen was at home, the servant was about to usher25 him into the family sitting-room26, but Mr. Halliburton stepped into the dusky surgery. He was in no mood for ladies' company. "I will wait here," he said. "Tell your master I wish to say a word to him."
The surgeon came immediately, a lighted candle in his hand. He was a dark man with a thin face. "Why won't you come in?" he asked. "There's only Mrs. Allen and the girls there. Is anything the matter?"
"Yes, Allen, something is the matter," was
Mr. Halliburton's reply. "I want a friend to-night: one who will deal with me candidly27 and openly: and I have come to you. Sit down."
They both sat down; and Mr. Halliburton gave him the history of the past four and twenty hours: commencing with the fainting-fit, and ending with his racking doubts as to whether Dr. Carrington's opinion was borne out by facts, or whether he might have been deceived. "Allen," he concluded, "you must see what you can make out of my state: and you must report to me without disguise, as you would report to your own soul."
The surgeon looked grave. "Carrington is a clever man," he said. "One whom it would be difficult to deceive."
"I know his reputation. But these clever men are not infallible. Put his opinion out of your mind: examine me yourself, and tell me what you think."
Mr. Allen proceeded to do so. He first of all asked Mr. Halliburton a few general questions as to his present state of health, as he would have done by any other patient, and then he sounded his lungs.
"Now then—the truth," said Mr. Halliburton.
"The truth is—so far as I can judge—that you are in no present danger whatever."
"Neither did Dr. Carrington say I was—in present danger," hastily replied Mr. Halliburton. "Are my lungs sound?"
"They are not sound: but neither do I think they are extensively diseased. You may live for many years, with care."
"Would any insurance office take me?"
"No. I do not think it would."
"It is just my death-knell, Allen."
"If you look at it in that light I shall be very sorry to have given you my opinion," observed the surgeon. "I repeat that, by taking care of yourself, you may stave off disease and live many years. I would not say this unless I thought it."
"And would your opinion be the same as the doctor's—that I must leave London for the country?"
"I think you would have a far better chance of getting well in the country than you have here. You have told me over and over again, you know, that you were sure London air was bad for you."
"Ay, I have," replied Mr. Halliburton. "I never have felt quite well in it, and that's the truth. Well, I must see what can be done. Good evening."
If the edict did not appear to be so irrevocably dark as that of Dr. Carrington, it was yet dark enough; and Mr. Halliburton, striving to look it full in the face, as he was in the habit of doing by troubles less grave, endeavoured to set himself to think "what could be done." There was no possible chance of keeping it from his wife. If it was really necessary that their place of residence should be changed, she must be taken into counsel; and the sooner she was told the better. He went home, resolved to tell her before he slept.
The little troop departed, the children in bed, they sat together over the fire; though the weather had become warm, an evening fire was pleasant still. He sat nervous and fidgety. Now the moment had arrived, he shrunk from his task.
"Edgar, I am sure you are not well!" she exclaimed. "I have observed it all the evening."
"Yes, Jane, I am well. Pretty well, that is. The truth is, my darling, I have some bad news for you, and I don't like to tell it."
Her own family were safe and well under her roof, and her fears flew to Francis, to Margaret, to Robert. Mr. Halliburton stopped her.
"It does not concern any of them, Jane. It is about myself."
"But what can it be, about yourself?"
"They—will—not——Will you listen to the news with a brave heart?" he broke off, with a smile, and the most cheering look he could call up to his face.
"Oh yes." She smiled too. She thought it could be nothing very bad.
"They will not insure my life, Jane."
Her heart stood still. "But why not?"
"They consider it too great a risk. They fancy I am not strong."
A sudden flush to her face; a moment's stillness; and then Jane Halliburton clasped her hands with a faint cry of despair. She saw that more remained behind.
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1
utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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2
prostrated
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| v.使俯伏，使拜倒( prostrate的过去式和过去分词 )；（指疾病、天气等）使某人无能为力 | |
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3
fiat
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| n.命令，法令，批准；vt.批准，颁布 | |
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4
forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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5
bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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6
yearning
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| a.渴望的；向往的；怀念的 | |
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7
intercourse
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| n.性交；交流，交往，交际 | |
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8
attire
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| v.穿衣，装扮[同]array；n.衣着；盛装 | |
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9
helping
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| n.食物的一份&adj.帮助人的，辅助的 | |
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10
delightful
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| adj.令人高兴的，使人快乐的 | |
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11
mischief
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| n.损害，伤害，危害；恶作剧，捣蛋，胡闹 | |
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12
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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13
unintelligible
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| adj.无法了解的，难解的，莫明其妙的 | |
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14
contention
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| n.争论，争辩，论战；论点，主张 | |
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touching
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| adj.动人的，使人感伤的 | |
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16
grumbled
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| 抱怨( grumble的过去式和过去分词 )； 发牢骚； 咕哝； 发哼声 | |
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17
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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18
evaded
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| 逃避( evade的过去式和过去分词 )； 避开； 回避； 想不出 | |
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19
physically
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| adj.物质上，体格上，身体上，按自然规律 | |
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abstruse
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| adj.深奥的，难解的 | |
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nay
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| adv.不；n.反对票，投反对票者 | |
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22
torrent
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| n.激流，洪流；爆发，(话语等的)连发 | |
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23
uncertainty
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| n.易变，靠不住，不确知，不确定的事物 | |
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24
inquiry
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| n.打听，询问，调查，查问 | |
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25
usher
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| n.带位员，招待员；vt.引导，护送；vi.做招待，担任引座员 | |
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sitting-room
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| n.（BrE）客厅，起居室 | |
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candidly
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| adv.坦率地，直率而诚恳地 | |
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