I shall wait for you to-day in Kensington Gardens at ten o’clock. I beg you to come.
In the early days of their engagement, when Canon Spratte refused to hear Railing’s name mentioned, they had been used to walk together every morning. They met always at a particular spot. There were shady alleys2, the scene of many pleasant conversations, which Winnie could not help remembering with delight. She dreaded3 the meeting he asked for, but felt that it was not in her to refuse. She had thought all night over the brief account her father had given of his interview with Bertram, and wished with all her heart now to explain personally why she had taken this step. She could not bear that he should think too hardly of her. The wounds she made seemed inevitable4, but perhaps she could do something to make him see how impossible it was for her to act otherwise.
Without saying a word to her father, Winnie went out immediately after breakfast, and when she arrived at the appointed place, found Bertram already there. He greeted her without a smile. He was very pale and she felt her own face burn with shame under his sad, questioning eyes. For a few minutes they talked of indifferent things, as though they could not bring themselves to attack the subject that filled their hearts. They sat down and for a while were silent. At last he turned round and looked at her gravely.
“It’s true, then?” he said.
“I’m very sorry,” she murmured, turning her face away.
“When your father spoke6 to me I couldn’t bring myself to believe it. The whole thing seemed too horrible. Even now, I can’t convince myself that you really want me to give you up. I’ve not had it from your own lips yet.”
“I want you to release me, Bertram. I can’t marry you.”
“But why, why? The other day you said you loved me better than any one in the whole world. What have they done to turn you against me? Oh, I thought better of you than that, Winnie; I trusted you.”
“I was mistaken when I thought I loved you,” she whispered.
“They’re forcing you to give me up?”
“No,” she answered, shaking her head. “No one has done anything to influence me.”
“And yet, suddenly, with nothing to explain it, you send your father to say you’ve made a mistake; and don’t want to marry me. Oh, it’s shameful7, it’s too cruel.”
“Oh, Bertram, don’t speak like that,” she cried, looking at him at last.
The unhappiness of his voice was very hard to bear and she could hardly restrain a sob8. He looked at her with puzzled eyes. He was so wretched that his brain was all confused.
“You loved me the other day,” he cried. “Oh, don’t be so cold. Tell me what there is to tell, Winnie. I love you so passionately9. I can’t live without you.”
“Are you afraid because I’m poor and of mean birth? But you knew that before. Oh, I don’t understand; it seems impossible. I never dreamed you’d do this. I trusted you ten times more than I trusted myself.”
“How can you sacrifice all that we planned so joyfully13, the life of labour shoulder to shoulder and the fine struggle for our fellows?”
He stared at her with surprise. He caught the immense vehemence15 of her expression and the little shiver of disgust that crossed her shoulders. They were silent again.
“Oh, Bertram, try to understand,” said Winnie, at last. “I don’t want you to be unhappy, I want you to see that we’ve made a dreadful mistake. I thank God that we’ve discovered it before it was too late. I’m not made for the life you want me to lead. I should be utterly16 out of it. And all those meetings, and the agitations17 for things I don’t care two straws about! Oh, I loathe18 the very thought of it.”
He looked before him as though the very foundations of the world were sinking. Winnie put her hand on his arm gently.
“Don’t trouble about me, Bertram. I’m not worth it. You thought me different from what I am. You’ve never known me; you put another soul into my body, and you loved that. If you really knew me, you’d only despise me. You thought I could do heroic things, but I can’t. When I was enthusiastic about labour and temperance and all the rest, it was merely pose. I wanted you to think me clever and original. I was flattered because you spoke to me as if you thought my opinion worth having. But honestly I don’t like poor people; I hate grime and dirt; I can’t look upon them as my fellows; I don’t want to have anything to do with them. I dare say poverty and crime are very dreadful, and the misery19 of the slums is heart-rending, but I don’t want to see it. I want to shut my eyes and forget all about it. Can’t you see how awful it would be if we married? I should only hamper20 you, and we’d both be utterly wretched.”
“Your father said a carriage and pair was essential to your happiness. I told him I would stake my life on you. I told him that you despised the sham5 and the shallowness of Society.”
“I suppose papa knows me,” said Winnie.
“Oh, dearest, it can’t be true,” he cried, taking her hand. “You can’t mind whether you go on foot or in a gaudy21 carriage. Life is so full and there’s so much work to do. What can it matter so long as we do our duty?”
“I know I’m a cad, but I must have decent things, and servants, and nice clothes. It’s vulgar and hateful and petty, but I can’t help it. I want to live as all my friends live. I haven’t the courage to give up all that makes life beautiful. It’s not just one act of heroism22 that it needs; it’s strength to be heroic day after day in a sort of dull, sordid23 fashion. And there can never be any escape from it; one has to make up one’s mind that it will last for ever. I see myself living in a shabby house in a horrid24 pokey street, with two dirty little maids, and I could almost scream. Oh, I couldn’t, Bertram.”
“I thought you cared for me.”
She did not answer.
“It’s different for you,” she pleaded. “You’ve been brought up without all these things, and you don’t miss them. I daresay it’s utterly snobbish25, but I can’t help it. I’ve been used to luxuries all my life; it’s just as impossible for me to go without them as it would be for you to go without a coat in winter. You think it’s very easy for me to do housework and to mend linen26 as your mother does, but d’you think it’s any easier than it would be for you who’ve worked with your brains, to mend roads from morning till night? I know girls who’ve done that sort of thing. I’ve seen the shifts with which they keep up appearances and the awful struggle to make both ends meet. I’ve seen their faces pinched with anxiety, and I’ve seen the wrench27 it causes when they must spend a shilling. I couldn’t stand it, Bertram. You’re quite right; I am afraid.”
“But I love you, Winnie,” he said. “You’re the whole world to me. Tell me what you want me to do and I’ll try to do it. I can’t lose you.”
“What can you do? How can you change yourself? Don’t you see that it’s impossible, and that we’re utterly unsuited to one another? Really we’ve not got a single thought or aim or idea in common. You can’t want to make me so unhappy as to wish to marry me.”
“Then it’s good-bye?” he asked.
Winnie looked up. To her surprise she saw her father ride past with Gwendolen Durant. Instinctively28 she drew back, seeking to hide herself; but they were too deeply engrossed29 in conversation to notice her.
Railing’s eyes met hers sadly.
“I don’t know how I shall live without you,” he said.
“You must try and forgive me for all the wretchedness I’ve caused you. And soon I hope that you’ll forget all about me.”
“Is there no chance that you’ll ever change your mind?” he asked, brokenly.
She hesitated, for there was something on her heart which she felt strangely impelled30 to confess. It seemed that she owed it to him.
“I think I ought to tell you that Lord Wroxham has asked me to marry him.”
“I’ve known him ever since I was a child, and I’m very fond of him. I’m frightened. I wanted you to know from my own lips rather than from a newspaper. You probably can’t despise me more than you do already.”
“What do you mean by saying you’re frightened? Are you frightened of me?”
“Yes.”
“Then it is good-bye indeed,” he answered, after a long silence.
He stood up and without another word left her. Winnie began to cry silently. In that pleasure garden, fit scene for the careless trifling32 of fair ladies in hoops33 and of gentlemen in periwigs, every one else seemed happy and unconcerned. Children in their bright dresses played with merry shouts and their nurses idly gossiped. A tremor34 passed through Winnie’s body as she struggled in vain to restrain her sobbing35.
In the afternoon Winnie told her father that she had seen Bertram. She felt still as though her heart were breaking.
“Oh, father, I feel so ashamed,” she moaned.
Canon Spratte pursed his lips and nodded once or twice gravely. He did not approve of this stolen interview, but presumed it would be the last. He addressed her in grave, sonorous36 tones.
“You do well to feel ashamed, my child. I hope this will be a warning and a lesson to you. You see what comes of disobeying your father, and setting yourself obstinately37 and irreligiously against his better judgment38. In future I trust you will be more dutiful. Believe me, it is always best to honour your parents; and if you don’t you’re sure to be punished for it.”
“I think he ought to know that I was engaged to Bertram.”
“Certainly not,” he answered, with the utmost decision. “I entirely41 forbid you to do anything of the sort, and I hope you’ve been sufficiently42 punished for your wilful43 disobedience to obey me now. Wroxham is very susceptible44, and it’s your duty to give him no anxiety. And whatever you do, don’t begin your married life by confessing everything to your husband. It will only bore him to death. Besides, one never can tell the whole truth, and it leads inevitably45 to deception46 and subterfuge47.”
“But suppose he finds out?”
Canon Spratte gave a sigh of genuine relief, for after all the fear of discovery is the easiest form of conscience to deal with.
“Is that all you’re frightened of, my darling?” he said. “Leave it to me. I’ll tell him all that’s necessary.”
And the next time he found himself alone with Wroxham, he took the opportunity to set the matter right.
“By the way, Harry, Winnie wants me to tell you something that’s rather worrying her. You know what girls are. They often have a sensitiveness of conscience which is very charming but at the same time rather ridiculous. I don’t suppose you ever heard of a young man called Railing?’ ”
“I may say I was among the first to discover its striking merit. I thought it my duty to encourage him, and I asked him to come and see us. His father, it appears, was a coal-heaver, and I thought him a very remarkable49 fellow. But he repaid my kindness by falling in love with Winnie and asking her to marry him.”
“Why didn’t you kick him down-stairs?” laughed Wroxham, lightly.
“Upon my word, I had half a mind to. I will never befriend the lower orders again; they always take liberties with you.”
At this juncture50 Winnie came into the room. Canon Spratte told her that he had informed Wroxham of the unfortunate incident. She gave her devoted51 lover an appealing glance; and the thought that she was so fearful to offend him, increased a thousandfold his passionate10 tenderness.
“You’re not angry with me, dear?”
“Because a madman wants to marry you? Why, I want to do that myself.”
“Capital! Capital!” laughed the Canon. “But seriously I don’t think he’s quite right in his head. His sister is in a lunatic asylum52, you know. I hope you won’t receive any nonsensical letter from him.”
Wroxham was all eyes for Winnie, and scarcely listened to the trivial topic.
“If I do, it shall go straight into the waste-paper basket,” he answered, lightly.
“Quite right,” said the Canon. “Quite right!”
He tactfully left the lovers to themselves.
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1
abruptly
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| adv.突然地，出其不意地 | |
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alleys
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| 胡同，小巷( alley的名词复数 )； 小径 | |
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dreaded
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| adj.令人畏惧的；害怕的v.害怕，恐惧，担心( dread的过去式和过去分词) | |
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inevitable
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| adj.不可避免的，必然发生的 | |
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sham
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| n./adj.假冒(的)，虚伪(的) | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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7
shameful
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| adj.可耻的，不道德的 | |
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8
sob
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| n.空间轨道的轰炸机；呜咽，哭泣 | |
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passionately
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| ad.热烈地，激烈地 | |
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passionate
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，激昂的，易动情的，易怒的，性情暴躁的 | |
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awfully
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| adv.可怕地，非常地，极端地 | |
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sobbed
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| 哭泣，啜泣( sob的过去式和过去分词 )； 哭诉，呜咽地说 | |
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joyfully
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| adv. 喜悦地, 高兴地 | |
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hoarsely
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| adv.嘶哑地 | |
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vehemence
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| n.热切；激烈；愤怒 | |
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utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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agitations
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| （液体等的）摇动( agitation的名词复数 )； 鼓动； 激烈争论； （情绪等的）纷乱 | |
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loathe
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| v.厌恶，嫌恶 | |
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misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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hamper
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| vt.妨碍，束缚，限制；n.(有盖的)大篮子 | |
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gaudy
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| adj.华而不实的；俗丽的 | |
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heroism
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| n.大无畏精神，英勇 | |
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sordid
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| adj.肮脏的，不干净的，卑鄙的，暗淡的 | |
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horrid
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| adj.可怕的；令人惊恐的；恐怖的；极讨厌的 | |
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snobbish
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| adj.势利的，谄上欺下的 | |
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linen
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| n.亚麻布，亚麻线，亚麻制品；adj.亚麻布制的，亚麻的 | |
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wrench
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| v.猛拧；挣脱；使扭伤；n.扳手；痛苦，难受 | |
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instinctively
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| adv.本能地 | |
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engrossed
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| adj.全神贯注的 | |
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impelled
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| v.推动、推进或敦促某人做某事( impel的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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31
gasped
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| v.喘气( gasp的过去式和过去分词 )；喘息；倒抽气；很想要 | |
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32
trifling
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| adj.微不足道的；没什么价值的 | |
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hoops
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| n.箍( hoop的名词复数 )；（篮球）篮圈；（旧时儿童玩的）大环子；（两端埋在地里的）小铁弓 | |
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tremor
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| n.震动，颤动，战栗，兴奋，地震 | |
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sobbing
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| <主方>Ⅰ adj.湿透的 | |
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sonorous
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| adj.响亮的，回响的；adv.圆润低沉地；感人地；n.感人，堂皇 | |
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obstinately
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| ad.固执地，顽固地 | |
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judgment
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| n.审判；判断力，识别力，看法，意见 | |
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harry
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| vt.掠夺，蹂躏，使苦恼 | |
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40
perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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42
sufficiently
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| adv.足够地，充分地 | |
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43
wilful
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| adj.任性的，故意的 | |
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44
susceptible
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| adj.过敏的，敏感的；易动感情的，易受感动的 | |
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45
inevitably
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| adv.不可避免地；必然发生地 | |
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46
deception
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| n.欺骗，欺诈；骗局，诡计 | |
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47
subterfuge
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| n.诡计；藉口 | |
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48
socialist
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| n.社会主义者；adj.社会主义的 | |
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49
remarkable
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| adj.显著的，异常的，非凡的，值得注意的 | |
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50
juncture
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| n.时刻，关键时刻，紧要关头 | |
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51
devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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52
asylum
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| n.避难所，庇护所，避难 | |
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