It was early in July, on one of those long summer evenings of which the melancholy1 twilight2 seems determined3 never to end, that Lilian, from Victoria Station, drove up to her late husband's house, now her own. The events leading to the arrival, and giving it a most poignant4 dramatic quality, had one after another as they occurred impressed everybody concerned as being very strange and sinister5; but seen in perspective they took on a rather ordinary complexion6.
At the very moment of leaving the Riviera Lilian had heard that Miss Grig, on her way to the South to see Felix, had been detained in Paris by serious ptomaine poisoning due to food eaten at home. Had Miss Grig been able to get a berth7 in the through Calais-Mediterranée express, she might well have died in the train; but she had not been able to get a berth, and had travelled by a service which necessitated8 crossing Paris by taxi. She never did cross Paris. Railway officials carried her to the Hôtel Terminus, and medical aid was obtained just in time. For several days she was lost, like a mislaid and helpless parcel in the international post. As soon as she could move again she returned home, for Felix was by then dead and buried.
Lilian, on her part, did travel towards London by the through Calais-Mediterranée express, alighting at Calais extremely exhausted9 after twenty-eight hours on the railway. A gale10 was raging in the Channel. The steamer failed to enter Dover, a colossal11 harbour constructed in defiance12 of common sense for the inconvenience of seafarers, and put in at Folkestone. This detail changed the course of Lilian's journey. She was lifted ashore13 suffering acutely from sickness and nervous shock caused by the storm. At Dover she would assuredly not have remained more than a day or two; but Folkestone is a health-resort, and, installed in a big hotel on the Leas, she was tempted14 to let week drift after week in languid and expectant meditation15. Felix's solicitor16 came down several times from London to see her and take her instructions. From him she had news of Miss Grig and of the business; but she neither saw Miss Grig nor heard from her; the silence between the two mourners was absolute; and Lilian would not be the first to break it; moreover, there was no official need for letters to pass, each party being always well informed of the situation through the medium of the lawyer. At the close of the Riviera season Lilian had a flattering surprise. Dr. Samson the faithful came to see her in Folkestone. He was staying at another hotel. He desired nothing, hoped for nothing, except to exhibit his fidelity17. She had in him someone upon whom she could exercise her instinct to please, and to whom she could talk about the unique qualities of Felix. But also she had grown capricious and uncertain in temper. Perceiving at once that her little outbursts charmed and delighted him, she did not check them, but rather bestowed18 them upon him as favours; and the gloomy, fretful, transformed girl in unbecoming black played with some spirit the rôle of spoiled virgin19 from whom a suppliant20 adorer anticipates one day complete surrender. It was touching21 and at the same time comical.
As spring glowed into summer two factors gradually decided22 Lilian to proceed to London. Visitors increased in Folkestone; the Leas were no longer a desert, and she didn't care to be much remarked. And further, Dr. Samson advised her to have her child in London, and to settle there well in advance of the ordeal23. He suggested more than one house; but Lilian would listen to no counsel on this matter. She gave out sharply that she would have Felix's child in Felix's house, which was her house--and nowhere else. The ever-silent Miss Grig was still there, but Lilian had no objection to her staying there. She knew what was due to her husband's sister. She sent for the solicitor and invited him to make all the arrangements, and to report when he had done so. In due course she journeyed to London, deliberately24 missing train after train on the day of departure. Dr. Samson accompanied her to the doorstep of her house and Felix's, he paid the taxi-driver, and then he shook hands and vanished. She wished to present herself alone, and to this end had postponed25 ringing the bell until all that Dr. Samson could do was done.
The facade26 of the house had been modernized27, not untastefully, and was different from nearly all the other houses in Montpelier Square. The front door was of a rich, deep blue. The curtains of the windows had individuality. Lilian looked the façade up and down and from side to side. She had not even seen the house before; no, nor yet the Square. Felix! It was all Felix. "Felix" was written right across it. And it was hers--at any rate, the lease of the house was hers! It belonged to none but herself. She knew the fact, but could not imaginatively grasp it, and the effort to grasp it made her feel faint with emotion. She was frightened, she was proud, she was ashamed, she was defiant28, she was almost sick.
"Why did I insist on coming here like this?" she thought. "No girl was ever in such a position before!"
The blue door opened, as it were the door of a chamber29 of unguessed tortures. A flush spread slowly over Lilian's face.
"Now," she thought, "now I am in the middle of it all, and can't go back."
A parlourmaid stood in the doorway--tall, stiff, prim30, perfect--such a creature as would have refused to recognize for fellow-creatures the cook-generals of Putney. Her mature, hard face relaxed into the minimum of a ceremonial smile.
"Oh, good evening!" said Lilian awkwardly, no better than a typewriting girl, and stepped into the house.
"Good evening'm," said the parlourmaid, and, as she realized Lilian's condition the face relented still further and its smile flickered31 into genuineness. Though her eyes and mouth showed that she was virtuous32 to the verge33 of insanity34, she seemed to be moved, in spite of herself, by the spectacle of languid and soft and mourning Lilian.
"Miss Grig wished me to say that she is engaged for the moment. She was expecting you earlier in the day. And shall I show you the principal bedroom? And if you have any orders.... Yes'm,"--following Lilian's glance at her trunks piled in the porch--"we've got a young man in as will see to them."
Lilian sat down on an old carved chair with a wooden seat. How characteristic and horrid35 of Miss Grig not to be ready to receive her! Not that she, Lilian, the mistress of the house, needed a reception from anyone! Certainly not! This notion braced36 and fortified37 her. A young man did appear fussily38 from the dark basement staircase, and pulled the trunks one after another within the house. The front door was then shut. The hall and upward staircase were already gently lighted for the evening. Beautiful silk shades over the two lamps! Not a very large house, nor very luxurious39! But the carpets, furniture, and pictures had for Lilian just the peculiar40 distinction which she had hoped for. They recalled the illustrations of interiors in The Studio which used to come every month to Putney; and they were utterly41 different from the Putney furniture. Felix! All Felix! No Miss Grig! Impossible that there should be a trace of Miss Grig anywhere! This interior had been Felix's habitation. In a sense it was the history of Felix, his mind, his taste. She would have to study it, to learn it.
This interior was the first family interior she had seen since Putney. She was entering it after a period of awful lodging-houses and garish42 impersonal43 hotels. It was touchingly44 beautiful to her. The baby should be born in it, should grow up in it, should know it as the home of memory.... Then it became a vision, a hallucination, and the owning of it became an illusion. How could she own it? Only yesterday Miss Grig had thrown her out of Clifford Street with ten days' wages for a weapon to fight the whole world with. All that had happened since was untrue and hadn't happened.
"I'll go upstairs," she said coldly to the parlour-maid. She had to be cold in order to be dignified45. Milly Merrislate used to pose like that sometimes. The resemblance annoyed her, but what could she do in her weakness against the power of the situation? She did as best she might.
On the first floor the parlourmaid, switching lights off and on, said:
"This is the bathroom and so on."
"Yes. That is Miss Grig's room," in a hushed voice.
Lilian murmured no affirmative at the face of the shut door; her eyes had a gleam of cruelty, and involuntarily her hands clenched46. The house began to grow enormous, endless.
"This is the principal bedroom." They went into it. Curtains drawn47. Two soft lights. A narrowish bed. The dressing-table naked. A wonderful easy-chair. Polished surfaces everywhere. Cunning, mild tints--the whole mysteriously beautiful. Felix! She sank into the easy-chair, drawing off her black gloves. Another maid and the young man were bumping the trunks up the stairs.
"Will you have everything brought in here'm?"
"Please." She asked that two of the trunks should be pushed under the bed; they were Felix's. The other maid and the young man departed.
"Will you take anything'm?"
"No, thank you."
"Some tea and some nice bread-and-butter?"
Lilian gave a smile of appreciation49, and thought:
"I will make this girl fond of me."
"Up here'm?"
"Yes, please."
She was alone. The room was full of secrets. She opened a wardrobe, and started back; it held Felix's suits. She gazed at herself in the mirror of the naked dressing-table; tears were slipping down her wasted white cheeks. Mechanically she pulled at a drawer. Neckties, scores of them, neatly50 arranged. Could one man have possessed51 so many neckties? She picked up a necktie at random52, striped in violent colours. She did not know, and could not have known, that the colours were those of a famous school club. She was entirely53 ignorant of the immense, the unparalleled prestige of club colours in the organized life of the ruling classes. Mechanically again, she put the necktie to her mouth, nibbled54 at it, bit it passionately55, voluptuously56; the feel of the woven stuff thrilled her; and that club necktie was understood, comprehended, realized, as no club necktie ever before in all the annals of the sacred public-school tradition. Lilian sobbed57 like a child. The parlourmaid entered with the tea and the nice bread-and-butter, and saw the child munching58 the necktie, and was shaken in the steely citadel59 of her virtue60.
"You'll feel better when you've drunk this'm," said the parlourmaid lumpily, pouring out some tea. "Hadn't you better sit down'm? ... It won't do for you to tire yourself."
God! The highly-trained girl so far forgot herself as to spill a tear into the milk-jug!
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1
melancholy
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| n.忧郁，愁思；adj.令人感伤（沮丧）的，忧郁的 | |
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2
twilight
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| n.暮光，黄昏；暮年，晚期，衰落时期 | |
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determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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poignant
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| adj.令人痛苦的，辛酸的，惨痛的 | |
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sinister
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| adj.不吉利的，凶恶的，左边的 | |
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6
complexion
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| n.肤色；情况，局面；气质，性格 | |
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7
berth
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| n.卧铺，停泊地，锚位；v.使停泊 | |
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8
necessitated
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| 使…成为必要，需要( necessitate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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exhausted
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| adj.极其疲惫的，精疲力尽的 | |
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10
gale
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| n.大风，强风，一阵闹声（尤指笑声等） | |
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11
colossal
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| adj.异常的，庞大的 | |
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12
defiance
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| n.挑战，挑衅，蔑视，违抗 | |
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13
ashore
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| adv.在(向)岸上，上岸 | |
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14
tempted
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| v.怂恿（某人）干不正当的事；冒…的险（tempt的过去分词） | |
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15
meditation
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| n.熟虑，（尤指宗教的）默想，沉思，（pl.）冥想录 | |
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16
solicitor
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| n.初级律师，事务律师 | |
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17
fidelity
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| n.忠诚，忠实；精确 | |
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18
bestowed
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| 赠给，授予( bestow的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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19
virgin
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| n.处女，未婚女子；adj.未经使用的；未经开发的 | |
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20
suppliant
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| adj.哀恳的；n.恳求者，哀求者 | |
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21
touching
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| adj.动人的，使人感伤的 | |
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22
decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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23
ordeal
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| n.苦难经历，（尤指对品格、耐力的）严峻考验 | |
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24
deliberately
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| adv.审慎地；蓄意地；故意地 | |
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25
postponed
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| vt.& vi.延期，缓办，（使）延迟vt.把…放在次要地位；[语]把…放在后面（或句尾）vi.（疟疾等）延缓发作（或复发） | |
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26
facade
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| n.(建筑物的)正面，临街正面；外表 | |
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27
modernized
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| 使现代化，使适应现代需要( modernize的过去式和过去分词 )； 现代化，使用现代方法 | |
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28
defiant
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| adj.无礼的，挑战的 | |
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29
chamber
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| n.房间，寝室；会议厅；议院；会所 | |
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30
prim
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| adj.拘泥形式的，一本正经的；n.循规蹈矩，整洁；adv.循规蹈矩地，整洁地 | |
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31
flickered
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| （通常指灯光）闪烁，摇曳( flicker的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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32
virtuous
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| adj.有品德的，善良的，贞洁的，有效力的 | |
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33
verge
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| n.边，边缘；v.接近，濒临 | |
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34
insanity
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| n.疯狂，精神错乱；极端的愚蠢，荒唐 | |
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35
horrid
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| adj.可怕的；令人惊恐的；恐怖的；极讨厌的 | |
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36
braced
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| adj.拉牢的v.支住( brace的过去式和过去分词 )；撑牢；使自己站稳；振作起来 | |
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37
fortified
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| adj. 加强的 | |
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38
fussily
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| adv.无事空扰地，大惊小怪地，小题大做地 | |
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39
luxurious
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| adj.精美而昂贵的；豪华的 | |
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40
peculiar
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| adj.古怪的，异常的；特殊的，特有的 | |
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41
utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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42
garish
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| adj.华丽而俗气的，华而不实的 | |
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43
impersonal
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| adj.无个人感情的，与个人无关的，非人称的 | |
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44
touchingly
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| adv.令人同情地，感人地，动人地 | |
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45
dignified
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| a.可敬的，高贵的 | |
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46
clenched
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| v.紧握，抓紧，咬紧( clench的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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47
drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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48
softened
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| （使）变软( soften的过去式和过去分词 )； 缓解打击； 缓和； 安慰 | |
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49
appreciation
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| n.评价；欣赏；感谢；领会，理解；价格上涨 | |
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50
neatly
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| adv.整洁地，干净地，灵巧地，熟练地 | |
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51
possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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52
random
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| adj.随机的；任意的；n.偶然的(或随便的)行动 | |
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53
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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54
nibbled
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| v.啃，一点一点地咬（吃）( nibble的过去式和过去分词 )；啃出（洞），一点一点咬出（洞）；慢慢减少；小口咬 | |
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55
passionately
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| ad.热烈地，激烈地 | |
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56
voluptuously
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| adv.风骚地，体态丰满地 | |
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57
sobbed
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| 哭泣，啜泣( sob的过去式和过去分词 )； 哭诉，呜咽地说 | |
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58
munching
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| v.用力咀嚼（某物），大嚼( munch的现在分词 ) | |
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59
citadel
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| n.城堡；堡垒；避难所 | |
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60
virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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