"Sunday, September 3rd: My birthday. Wept at the sight of the world in which I was to be so miserable6. The atmosphere was so stuffy—not at all pleasing to the æsthetic faculties7. Expected a more refined reception. A lady, to whom I had never been introduced, fondled me and addressed me as 'Petsie-tootsie-wootsie.' It appears that she is my mother, but this hardly justifies8 her in degrading the language of Milton and Shakespeare. Later on a man came in and kissed her. I could not help thinking that they might respect my presence; and, if they must carry on, continue to do so out of my sight as before. I understood later that I must call the stranger 'Poppy,' and that I was not to resent his familiarities, as he was very much attached to my mother by Act of Parliament. Both the man and the woman seem to arrogate9 to themselves a certain authority over me. How strange that two persons you have never seen before in your life should claim such rights of interference! There must be something rotten in the constitution of Society. It shall be one of my life-tasks to discover what it is. I made a light lunch off milk, but do not care for the beverage11. The day passed slowly. I was dreadfully bored by the conversation in the bedroom—it was so petty. I was glad when night came. O, the intolerable ennui12 of an English Sunday! I divine already that I am destined13 to go through life perpetually craving14 for I know not what, and that I shan't be happy till I get it."
Lillie was a born heroine, being young and beautiful from her birth. In her fourth year she conceived a Platonic16 affection for the boy who brought the telegrams. His manners had such repose17. This was followed by a hopeless passion for a French cavalry18 officer with spurs. Every one feared she would grow up to be a suicide or a poetess; for her earliest nursery rhyme was an impromptu19 distich discovered by the nursery-maid, running:
Woonded i crawl out from the battel,
Life is as hollo as my rattel.
[pg 11] And her twelfth year was almost entirely20 devoted21 to literary composition of a hopeless character, so far as publishers were concerned. It was only the success of "Woman as a Waste Force," in her fourteenth year, that induced them to compete for her early manuscripts and to give the world the celebrated22 compilations23, "Ibsen for Infants," "Browning for Babies," "Carlyle for the Cradle," "Newman for the Nursery," "Leopardi for the Little Ones," and "The Schoolgirl's Schopenhauer," which, together with "Tracts24 for the Tots," make up the main productions of her First Period. After the loss of the French cavalry officer she remained blasée till she was more than seven, when her second grand passion took her. It was a very grand passion indeed this time—and it lasted a full week. These things did not matter while Lillie had not yet arrived at years of indiscretion; but when she got into her teens, her father began to look about for a husband for her. He was a millionaire and had always kept her supplied with every luxury. But Lillie did not care for her father's selections, and sent them all away with fleas25 in their ears instead of kind words. And her father was as unhappy as his selections. In her sixteenth year her mother, who had been ailing26 for sixteen years, breathed her last, and Lillie more freely. She had grown quite to like Mrs. Dulcimer, and it prevented her having her own way. The situation was now very simple. Mr. Dulcimer managed his immense affairs and Lillie managed Mr. Dulcimer.
He made one last effort to get her to manage another man. He discovered a young nobleman who seemed fond of her society and who was in the habit of meeting her accidentally at the Academy. The gunpowder27 being thus presumably laid, he set to work to strike the match. But the explosion was not such as he expected. Lillie told him that no man was further from her thoughts as a possible husband.
"But, Lillie," pleaded the millionaire, "not one of the objections you have impressed upon me applies to Lord Silverdale. He is young, rich, handsome——"
"Yes, yes, yes," answered Lillie, "I know."
"He is rich and cannot be after your money."
"True."
"He has a title, which you consider an advantage."
"I do."
"He is a man of taste and culture."
"He is."
"Well, what is it you don't like? Doesn't he ride or dance well?"
"He dances like an angel and rides like the devil."
"Well, what in the name of angels or devils is your objection then?"
"Father," said Lillie very solemnly, "he is all you claim, but——." The little delicate cheek flushed modestly. She could not say it.
"But——" said the millionaire impatiently.
Lillie hid her face in her hands.
"But I love him!"
"You what?" roared the millionaire.
"Yes, father, do not be angry with me. I love him dearly. Oh, do not spurn29 me from you, but I love him with my whole heart and soul, and I shall never marry any other man but him." The poor little girl burst into a paroxysm of weeping.
"No, father," she sobbed31 solemnly, "that is an illegitimate deduction32 from my proposition. He is the one man on this earth I could never bring myself to marry."
"You are mad!"
"No, father. I am only mathematical. I will never marry a man who does not love me. And don't you see that, as I love him, the odds33 are that he doesn't love me?"
"But he tells me he does!"
"What is his bare assertion—weighed against the doctrine34 of probability! How many girls do you suppose Silverdale has met in his varied35 career?"
"A thousand, I dare say."
"Ah, that's only reckoning English Society (and theatres). And then he has seen Society (and theatres) in Paris, Berlin, Rome, Boston, a hundred places! If we put the figure at three thousand it will be moderate. Here am I, a single girl——"
"One single girl. How wildly improbable that out of three thousand girls, Silverdale should just fall in love with me. It is 2999 to 1 against. Then there is the probability that he is not in love at all—which makes the odds 5999 to 1. The problem is exactly analogous37 to one which you will find in any Algebra38. Out of a sack containing three thousand coins, what are the odds that a man will draw the one marked coin?"
"The comparison of yourself to a marked coin is correct enough," said the millionaire, thinking of the files of fortune-hunters to whom he had given the sack. "Otherwise you are talking nonsense."
"Then Pascal, Laplace, Lagrange, De Moivre talked nonsense," said Lillie hotly; "but I have not finished. We must also leave open the possibility that the man will not be tempted39 to draw out any coin whatsoever40. The odds against the marked coin being drawn41 out are thus 5999 to 1. The odds against Silverdale returning my affection are 6000 to 1. As Butler rightly points out, probability is the only guide to conduct, which is, we know from Matthew Arnold, three-fourths of life. Am I to risk ruining three-fourths of my life, in defiance42 of the unerring dogmas of the Doctrine of Chances? No, father, do not exact this sacrifice from me. Ask me anything you please, and I will grant it—oh! so gladly—but do not, oh, do not ask me to marry the man I love!"
The millionaire stroked her hair, and soothed43 her in piteous silence. He had made his pile in pig-iron, and had not science enough to grapple with the situation.
"Do you mean to say," he said at last, "that because you love a man, he can't love you?"
"He can. But in all human probability he won't. Suppose you put on a fur waistcoat and went out into the street, determined44 to invite to dinner the first man in a straw hat, and supposing he replied that you had just forestalled45 him, as he had gone out with a similar intention to look for the first man in a fur waistcoat.—What would you say?"
The millionaire hesitated. "Well, I shouldn't like to insult the man," he said slowly.
"You see!" cried Lillie triumphantly46.
"Well, then, dear," said he, after much pondering, "the only thing for it is to marry a man you don't love."
"Father!" said Lillie in terrible tones.
The millionaire hung his head shamefacedly at the outrage47 his suggestion had put upon his daughter.
So Lillie wiped her eyes and founded the Old Maids' Club.
She said it was one of her matrimonial concerns, and so her father could not break his word, though an entire suite48 of rooms in his own Kensington mansion49 was set aside for the rooms of the Club. Not that he desired to interfere. Having read "The Bachelors' Club," he thought it was the surest way of getting her married.
The object of the Club was defined by the foundress as "the depolarization of the term 'Old Maid'; in other words, the dissipation of all those disagreeable associations which have gradually and most unjustly clustered about it; the restoration of the homely50 Saxon phrase to its pristine51 purity, and the elevation52 of the enviable class denoted by it to their due pedestal of privilege and homage53."
The conditions of membership, drawn up by Lillie, were:
1. Every candidate must be under twenty-five. 2. Every candidate must be beautiful and wealthy, and undertake to continue so. 3. Every candidate must have refused at least one advantageous54 offer of marriage.
The rationale of these rules was obvious. Disappointed, soured failures were not wanted. There was no virtue55 in being an "Old Maid" when you had passed twenty-five. Such creatures are merely old maids—Old Maids (with capitals) were required to be in the flower of youth and the flush of beauty. Their anti-matrimonial motives57 must be above suspicion. They must despise and reject the married state, though they would be welcomed therein with open arms.
The Old Maids were expected to obey an elaborate array of by-laws, and respect a series of recommendations.
According to the by-laws they were required:
1. To regard all men as brothers. 2. Not to keep cats, lap-dogs, parrots, pages, or other domestic pets. 3. Not to have less than one birthday per year. 4. To abjure59 medicine, art classes, and Catholicism. 5. Never to speak to a Curate. 6. Not to have any ideals or to take part in Woman's Rights Movements, Charity Concerts, or other Platform Demonstrations60. 7. Not to wear caps, curls, or similar articles of attire61. 8. Not to kiss females.
In addition to these there were the
General Recommendations:
Never refuse the last slice of bread, etc., lest you be accused of dreading62 celibacy63. Never accept bits of wedding cake, lest you be suspected of putting them under your pillow. Do not express disapproval64 by a sniff65. In travelling, choose smoking carriages; pack your umbrellas and parasols inside your trunk. Never distribute tracts. Always fondle children and show marked hostility66 to the household cat. Avoid eccentricities67. Do not patronize Dorothy Restaurants or the establishments of the Aerated68 Bread Company. Never drink cocoa-nibs. In dress it is better to avoid Mittens69, Crossovers, Fleecy Shawls, Elastic-side Boots, White Stockings, Black Silk Bodies, with Pendent Gold Chains, and Antique White Lace Collars. One-button White Kid Gloves are also inadvisable for afternoon concerts; nor should any glove be worn with fingers too long to pick up change at booking-offices. Parcels should not be wrapped in whitey-brown paper and not more than three should be carried at once. Watch Pockets should not be hung over the bed, sheets and mattresses70 should be left to the servants to air, and rooms should be kept in an untidy condition.
Refrain from manufacturing jam, household remedies, gossip or gooseberry wine. Never nurse a cold or a relative. It is advisable not to have a married sister, as she might decease and the temptation to marry her husband is such as no mere56 human being ought to be exposed to. For cognate71 reasons eschew72 friendship with cripples and hunchbacks (especially when they have mastered the violin in twelve lessons), men of no moral character, drunkards who wish to reform themselves, very ugly men, and husbands with wives in lunatic asylums73. Cultivate rather the acquaintance of handsome young men (who have been duly vaccinated), for this species is too conceited74 to be dangerous.
On the same principle were the rules for admitting visitors:
1. No unmarried lady admitted. 2. No married gentlemen admitted.
If they admitted single ladies there would be no privilege in being a member, while if they did not admit single gentlemen, they might be taunted75 with being afraid that they were not fireproof. When Lillie had worked this out to her satisfaction she was greatly chagrined76 to find the two rules were the same as for "The Bachelors' Club." To show their club had no connection with the brother institution, she devised a series of counterblasts to their misogynic maxims77. These were woven on all the antimacassars; the deadliest were:
The husband is the only creature entirely selfish. He is a low organism, consisting mainly of a digestive apparatus78 and a rude mouth. The lover holds the cloak; the husband drops it. Wedding dresses are webs. Women like clinging robes; men like clinging women. The lover will always help the beloved to be helpless. A man likes his wife to be just clever enough to comprehend his cleverness and just stupid enough to admire it. Women who catch husbands rarely recover. Marriage is a lottery79; every wife does not become a widow. Wrinkles are woman's marriage lines; but when she gets them her husband will no longer be bound.
The woman who believes her husband loves her, is capable of believing that she loves him. A good man's love is the most intolerable of boredoms. A man often marries a woman because they have the same tastes and prefer himself to the rest of creation. If a woman could know what her lover really thought of her she would know what to think of him. Possession is nine points of the marriage law. It is impossible for a man to marry a clever woman. Marriages are made in heaven, but old maids go there.
Lillie also painted a cynical80 picture of dubious81 double-edged incisiveness82. It was called "Latter-day Love," and represented the ill hap15 of Cupid, neglected and superfluous83, his quiver full, his arrows rusty84, shivering with the cold, amid contented85 couples passing him by with never an eye for the lugubrious86 legend, "Pity the Poor Blind."
The picture put the finishing touch to the rooms of the Club. When Lillie Dulcimer had hung it up, she looked round upon the antimacassars and felt a proud and happy girl.
The Old Maids' Club was now complete. Nothing was wanting except members.
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1
precocious
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| adj.早熟的；较早显出的 | |
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analyze
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| vt.分析，解析 (=analyse) | |
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analyzing
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| v.分析；分析( analyze的现在分词 )；分解；解释；对…进行心理分析n.分析 | |
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4
spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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enraged
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| 使暴怒( enrage的过去式和过去分词 )； 歜； 激愤 | |
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6
miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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7
faculties
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| n.能力( faculty的名词复数 )；全体教职员；技巧；院 | |
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8
justifies
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| 证明…有理( justify的第三人称单数 )； 为…辩护； 对…作出解释； 为…辩解（或辩护） | |
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arrogate
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| v.冒称具有...权利，霸占 | |
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10
interfere
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| v.(in)干涉，干预；(with)妨碍，打扰 | |
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11
beverage
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| n.(水，酒等之外的)饮料 | |
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12
ennui
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| n.怠倦，无聊 | |
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destined
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| adj.命中注定的；(for)以…为目的地的 | |
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14
craving
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| n.渴望,热望 | |
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15
hap
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| n.运气；v.偶然发生 | |
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16
platonic
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| adj.精神的；柏拉图（哲学）的 | |
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17
repose
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| v.(使)休息；n.安息 | |
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18
cavalry
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| n.骑兵；轻装甲部队 | |
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19
impromptu
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| adj.即席的，即兴的；adv.即兴的(地)，无准备的(地) | |
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20
entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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21
devoted
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| adj.忠诚的，忠实的，热心的，献身于...的 | |
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celebrated
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| adj.有名的，声誉卓著的 | |
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23
compilations
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| n.编辑，编写( compilation的名词复数 )；编辑物 | |
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24
tracts
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| 大片土地( tract的名词复数 )； 地带； （体内的）道； （尤指宣扬宗教、伦理或政治的）短文 | |
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25
fleas
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| n.跳蚤( flea的名词复数 )；爱财如命；没好气地（拒绝某人的要求） | |
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26
ailing
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| v.生病 | |
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gunpowder
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| n.火药 | |
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28
brutally
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| adv.残忍地，野蛮地，冷酷无情地 | |
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29
spurn
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| v.拒绝，摈弃；n.轻视的拒绝；踢开 | |
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30
gasped
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| v.喘气( gasp的过去式和过去分词 )；喘息；倒抽气；很想要 | |
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31
sobbed
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| 哭泣，啜泣( sob的过去式和过去分词 )； 哭诉，呜咽地说 | |
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32
deduction
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| n.减除，扣除，减除额；推论，推理，演绎 | |
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33
odds
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| n.让步，机率，可能性，比率；胜败优劣之别 | |
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34
doctrine
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| n.教义；主义；学说 | |
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varied
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| adj.多样的，多变化的 | |
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36
growled
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| v.（动物）发狺狺声， （雷）作隆隆声( growl的过去式和过去分词 )；低声咆哮着说 | |
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analogous
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| adj.相似的；类似的 | |
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38
algebra
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| n.代数学 | |
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39
tempted
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| v.怂恿（某人）干不正当的事；冒…的险（tempt的过去分词） | |
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40
whatsoever
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| adv.（用于否定句中以加强语气）任何；pron.无论什么 | |
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41
drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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defiance
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| n.挑战，挑衅，蔑视，违抗 | |
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43
soothed
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| v.安慰( soothe的过去式和过去分词 )；抚慰；使舒服；减轻痛苦 | |
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44
determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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45
forestalled
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| v.先发制人，预先阻止( forestall的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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46
triumphantly
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| ad.得意洋洋地；得胜地；成功地 | |
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47
outrage
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| n.暴行，侮辱，愤怒；vt.凌辱，激怒 | |
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48
suite
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| n.一套(家具)；套房；随从人员 | |
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49
mansion
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| n.大厦，大楼；宅第 | |
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50
homely
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| adj.家常的，简朴的；不漂亮的 | |
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51
pristine
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| adj.原来的，古时的，原始的，纯净的，无垢的 | |
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52
elevation
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| n.高度；海拔；高地；上升；提高 | |
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53
homage
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| n.尊敬，敬意，崇敬 | |
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54
advantageous
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| adj.有利的；有帮助的 | |
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55
virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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56
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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57
motives
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| n.动机，目的( motive的名词复数 ) | |
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disabused
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| v.去除…的错误想法( disabuse的过去式和过去分词 )；使醒悟 | |
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59
abjure
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| v.发誓放弃 | |
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60
demonstrations
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| 证明( demonstration的名词复数 )； 表明； 表达； 游行示威 | |
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attire
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| v.穿衣，装扮[同]array；n.衣着；盛装 | |
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62
dreading
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| v.害怕，恐惧，担心( dread的现在分词 ) | |
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63
celibacy
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| n.独身(主义) | |
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64
disapproval
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| n.反对，不赞成 | |
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65
sniff
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| vi.嗅…味道；抽鼻涕；对嗤之以鼻，蔑视 | |
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66
hostility
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| n.敌对，敌意；抵制［pl.］交战，战争 | |
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eccentricities
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| n.古怪行为( eccentricity的名词复数 )；反常；怪癖 | |
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68
aerated
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| v.使暴露于空气中，使充满气体( aerate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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69
mittens
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| 不分指手套 | |
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mattresses
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| 褥垫，床垫( mattress的名词复数 ) | |
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71
cognate
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| adj.同类的，同源的，同族的；n.同家族的人，同源词 | |
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72
eschew
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| v.避开，戒绝 | |
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73
asylums
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| n.避难所( asylum的名词复数 )；庇护；政治避难；精神病院 | |
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conceited
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| adj.自负的，骄傲自满的 | |
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taunted
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| 嘲讽( taunt的过去式和过去分词 )； 嘲弄； 辱骂； 奚落 | |
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76
chagrined
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| adj.懊恼的，苦恼的v.使懊恼，使懊丧，使悔恨( chagrin的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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maxims
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| n.格言，座右铭( maxim的名词复数 ) | |
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apparatus
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| n.装置，器械；器具，设备 | |
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79
lottery
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| n.抽彩；碰运气的事，难于算计的事 | |
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80
cynical
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| adj.(对人性或动机)怀疑的，不信世道向善的 | |
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81
dubious
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| adj.怀疑的，无把握的；有问题的，靠不住的 | |
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82
incisiveness
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| n.敏锐，深刻 | |
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83
superfluous
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| adj.过多的，过剩的，多余的 | |
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84
rusty
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| adj.生锈的；锈色的；荒废了的 | |
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contented
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| adj.满意的，安心的，知足的 | |
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lugubrious
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| adj.悲哀的，忧郁的 | |
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