He was, as I have said, about fourteen years older than I. I had had very little time to become acquainted with him, to attach myself to him, for his preparation for his vocation1 made it necessary for him to be away from home a great deal. I scarcely ever went into his room where, scattered2 upon the table, there was an appalling3 number of large books. This room was pervaded4 with the strong odor of tobacco; and I dared not go near it for fear that I would meet his comrades, young officers, or students like himself. I had heard, also, that he was not always well-behaved, that sometimes he did not come in until very late at night, and that often my father had found it necessary to give him a serious talking to; secretly I greatly disapproved5 of his conduct.
But his approaching departure strengthened my affection, and caused me extreme sorrow.
He was going to Polynesia, to Tahiti, almost to the end of the world, and he expected to be away four years. To me that seemed an almost endless absence, for it represented half of my own age.
I watched, with the greatest interest, the preparations that he made for his voyage. The iron-bound trunks were packed with care. He wrapped the gilt6-embroidered uniform and his sword in a quantity of tissue paper, and put them away with the same care one bestows7 upon a mummy when it is relaid in its metal case. All of these things augmented8 the impression that I had of the distance and dangers of the long voyage about to be undertaken by my brother.
A sort of melancholy9 rested upon every one in the house, which became deeper and more and more noticeable as the day for the separation drew near. At our meals we were more silent; advice from my father and assurances from my brother was the substance of most of the conversations, and I listened meditatively10 without saying a word.
The day before my brother left he confided11 to my care—and I was greatly honored to have him do so—the many fragile little things that he had upon his mantel-piece; these he bade me guard faithfully until his return.
He then made me a present of a handsome gilt edged, illustrated12 book entitled, “A Voyage in Polynesia.” It was the only book that in my early childhood I had an affection for, and I constantly turned its pages with eager pleasure. In the front of it there was an engraving13 of a very pretty dark woman who, crowned with reeds, was sitting gracefully14 under a palm tree. Under this picture was printed: “Portrait of her Majesty15, Pomare IV., Queen of Tahiti.” Further over in the book there was a picture of two beautiful maidens16, with naked shoulders and crowned heads, standing17 at the edge of the sea, and this was entitled: “Two Young Tahitian Girls upon the Beach.”
Upon the day of my brother's departure, at the last hour, the preparations being over, and the large trunks closed and locked, we gathered in the parlor18 as solemnly as if we had come together for a funeral. A chapter of the Bible was read and then we had family prayers. . . . Four years! and during that time the width of the earth between us and our loved one!
I recall particularly my mother's face during the farewell scene; she was seated in an arm chair beside my brother. After the prayer she had upon her face an infinitely19 sweet, but wistful smile, and an expression of submissive trust; but suddenly an unexpected change came over her features, and in spite of her efforts at self-control her tears flowed. I had never before seen my mother weep, and it caused me the greatest anguish20.
The first few days after his departure I had a feeling of sadness, and I missed him greatly; often and often I went into his room, and the little treasures which he had confided to my care were as sacred as holy relics21.
Upon a map of the world I had my parents point out to me the route of his journey, a journey which would take about five months. To me his return belonged to an inconceivable and unreal future; and, most strange of all, what spoiled for me the pleasure of his home-coming, was that I at that time would be twelve or thirteen years of age—almost a big boy in fact.
Unlike most other children,—especially unlike those of to-day—who are eager to become men and women as speedily as possible, I had a terror of growing up, which became more and more accentuated22 as I grew older. I argued about it to myself, and I wrote about it, and when any one asked me why I had such a feeling I answered, since I could not think of a better reason: “It seems to me that it will be very wearisome to be a man.” I believe that it is an extremely singular state of mind, an altogether unique one perhaps, this shrinking away from life at its very beginning; I was not able to see a horizon before me: I could not picture my future to myself as so many can; before me there was nothing but impenetrable darkness, a great leaden curtain shut off my view.
点击收听单词发音
1 vocation | |
n.职业,行业 | |
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2 scattered | |
adj.分散的,稀疏的;散步的;疏疏落落的 | |
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3 appalling | |
adj.骇人听闻的,令人震惊的,可怕的 | |
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4 pervaded | |
v.遍及,弥漫( pervade的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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5 disapproved | |
v.不赞成( disapprove的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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6 gilt | |
adj.镀金的;n.金边证券 | |
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7 bestows | |
赠给,授予( bestow的第三人称单数 ) | |
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8 Augmented | |
adj.增音的 动词augment的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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9 melancholy | |
n.忧郁,愁思;adj.令人感伤(沮丧)的,忧郁的 | |
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10 meditatively | |
adv.冥想地 | |
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11 confided | |
v.吐露(秘密,心事等)( confide的过去式和过去分词 );(向某人)吐露(隐私、秘密等) | |
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12 illustrated | |
adj. 有插图的,列举的 动词illustrate的过去式和过去分词 | |
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13 engraving | |
n.版画;雕刻(作品);雕刻艺术;镌版术v.在(硬物)上雕刻(字,画等)( engrave的现在分词 );将某事物深深印在(记忆或头脑中) | |
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14 gracefully | |
ad.大大方方地;优美地 | |
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15 majesty | |
n.雄伟,壮丽,庄严,威严;最高权威,王权 | |
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16 maidens | |
处女( maiden的名词复数 ); 少女; 未婚女子; (板球运动)未得分的一轮投球 | |
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17 standing | |
n.持续,地位;adj.永久的,不动的,直立的,不流动的 | |
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18 parlor | |
n.店铺,营业室;会客室,客厅 | |
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19 infinitely | |
adv.无限地,无穷地 | |
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20 anguish | |
n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦,烦恼 | |
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21 relics | |
[pl.]n.遗物,遗迹,遗产;遗体,尸骸 | |
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22 accentuated | |
v.重读( accentuate的过去式和过去分词 );使突出;使恶化;加重音符号于 | |
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