Malachi was always shabbily dressed, in spite of his pound a week and board, and “When Malachi gets a new suit of clothes” was the expression invariably used by the boys to fix a date for some altogether improbable event. We were always having larks2 with Malachi, for we looked upon him as our legitimate3 butt4. He seldom complained, and when he did his remonstrance5 hardly ever went beyond repeating the words, “Now, none of your pranktical jokes!” If this had not the desired effect, and we put up some too outrageous6 trick on him, he would content himself by muttering with sorrowful conviction, “Well, there's no mistake, it's a caution.”
We were not content with common jokes, such as sewing up the legs of Malachi's trousers while he slept, fixing his bunk7, or putting explosives in his pipe—we aspired8 to some of the higher branches of the practical joker's art. It was well known that Malachi had an undying hatred9 for words of four syllables10 and over, and the use of them was always sufficient to forfeit11 any good opinions he might have previously12 entertained concerning the user. “I hate them high-flown words,” he would say—“I got a book at home that I could get them out of if I wanted them; but I don't.” The book referred to was a very dilapidated dictionary. Malachi's hatred for high-flown words was only equalled by his aversion to the opposite sex; and, this being known, we used to write letters to him in a feminine hand, threatening divers13 breach14 of promise actions, and composed in the high-flown language above alluded15 to. We used to think this very funny, and by these means we made his life a burden to him. Malachi put the most implicit16 faith in everything we told him; he would take in the most improbable yarn17 provided we preserved a grave demeanour and used no high-flown expressions. He would indeed sometimes remark that our yarns18 were a caution, but that was all.
We played upon him the most gigantic joke of all during the visit of a certain bricklayer, who came to do some work at the homestead. “Bricky” was a bit of a phrenologist, and knew enough of physiognomy and human nature to give a pretty fair delineation19 of character. He also went in for spirit-rapping, greatly to the disgust of the two ancient housekeepers20, who declared that they'd have “no dalins wid him and his divil's worruk.”'
The bricklayer was from the first an object of awe21 to Malachi, who carefully avoided him; but one night we got the butt into a room where the artisan was entertaining the boys with a seance. After the table-rapping, during which Malachi sat with uncovered head and awe-struck expression, we proposed that he should have his bumps read, and before he could make his escape Malachi was seated in a chair in the middle of the room and the bricklayer was running his fingers over his head. I really believe that Malachi's hair bristled22 between the phrenologist's fingers. Whenever he made a hit his staunch admirer, “Donegal,” would exclaim “Look at that now!” while the girls tittered and said, “Just fancy!” and from time to time Malachi would be heard to mutter to himself, in a tone of the most intense conviction, that, “without the least mistake it was a caution.” Several times at his work the next day Malachi was observed to rest on his spade, while he tilted23 his hat forward with one hand and felt the back of his head as though he had not been previously aware of its existence.
We “ran” Malachi to believe that the bricklayer was mad on the subject of phrenology, and was suspected of having killed several persons in order to obtain their skulls25 for experimental purposes. We further said that he had been heard to say that Malachi's skull24 was a most extraordinary one, and so we advised him to be careful.
Malachi occupied a hut some distance from the station, and one night, the last night of the bricklayer's stay, as Malachi sat smoking over the fire the door opened quietly and the phrenologist entered. He carried a bag with a pumpkin26 in the bottom of it, and, sitting down on a stool, he let the bag down with a bump on the floor between his feet. Malachi was badly scared, but he managed to stammer27 out—
“'Ello!” “'Ello!” said the phrenologist.
There was an embarrassing silence, which was at last broken by “Bricky” saying “How are you gettin' on, Malachi?”
“Oh, jist right,” replied Malachi.
Nothing was said for a while, until Malachi, after fidgeting a good deal on his stool, asked the bricklayer when he was leaving the station.
“Oh, I'm going away in the morning, early,” said he. “I've jist been over to Jimmy Nowlett's camp, and as I was passing I thought I'd call and get your head.”
“What?”
“I come for your skull.
“Yes,” the phrenologist continued, while Malachi sat horror-stricken; “I've got Jimmy Nowlett's skull here,” and he lifted the bag and lovingly felt the pumpkin—it must have weighed forty pounds. “I spoilt one of his best bumps with the tomahawk. I had to hit him twice, but it's no use crying over spilt milk.” Here he drew a heavy shingling-hammer out of the bag and wiped off with his sleeve something that looked like blood. Malachi had been edging round for the door, and now he made a rush for it. But the skull-fancier was there before him.
“Not if I can get your skull any other way,” said Bricky.
“Oh!” gasped Malachi—and then, with a vague idea that it was best to humour a lunatic, he continued, in a tone meant to be off-hand and careless—“Now, look here, if yer only waits till I die you can have my whole skelington and welcome.”
“Now Malachi,” said the phrenologist sternly, “d'ye think I'm a fool? I ain't going to stand any humbug29. If yer acts sensible you'll be quiet, and it'll soon be over, but if yer—-”
Malachi did not wait to hear the rest. He made a spring for the back of the hut and through it, taking down a large new sheet of stringy-bark in his flight. Then he could be heard loudly ejaculating “It's a caution!” as he went through the bush like a startled kangaroo, and he didn't stop till he reached the station.
Jimmy Nowlett and I had been peeping through a crack in the same sheet of bark that Malachi dislodged; it fell on us and bruised30 us somewhat, but it wasn't enough to knock the fun out of the thing.
When Jimmy Nowlett crawled out from under the bark he had to lie down on Malachi's bunk to laugh, and even for some time afterwards it was not unusual for Jimmy to wake up in the' night and laugh till we wished him dead.
One of the best cows at the homestead had a calf32, about which she made a great deal of fuss. She was ordinarily a quiet, docile33 creature, and, though somewhat fussy34 after calving no one ever dreamed that she would injure anyone. It happened one day that the squatter's daughter and her intended husband, a Sydney exquisite35, were strolling in a paddock where the cow was. Whether the cow objected to the masher or his lady love's red parasol, or whether she suspected designs upon her progeny36, is not certain; anyhow, she went for them. The young man saw the cow coming first, and he gallantly37 struck a bee-line for the fence, leaving the girl to manage for herself. She wouldn't have managed very well if Malachi hadn't been passing just then. He saw the girl's danger and ran to intercept38 the cow with no weapon but his hands.
It didn't last long. There was a roar, a rush, and a cloud of dust, out of which the cow presently emerged, and went scampering39 back to the bush in which her calf was hidden.
We carried Malachi home and laid him on a bed. He had a terrible wound in the groin, and the blood soaked through the bandages like water. We did all that was possible for him, the boys killed the squatter's best horse and spoilt two others riding for a doctor, but it was of no use. In the last half-hour of his life we all gathered round Malachi's bed; he was only twenty-two. Once he said:
“I wonder how mother'll manage now?”
“Why, where's your mother?” someone asked gently; we had never dreamt that Malachi might have someone to love him and be proud of him.
“In Bathurst,” he answered wearily—“she'll take on awful, I 'spect, she was awful fond of me—we've been pulling together this last ten years—mother and me—we wanted to make it all right for my little brother Jim—poor Jim!”
“What's wrong with Jim?” someone asked.
“Oh, he's blind,” said Malachi “always was—we wanted to make it all right for him agin time he grows up—I—I managed to send home about—about forty pounds a year—we bought a bit of ground, and—and—I think—I'm going now. Tell 'em, Harry—tell 'em how it was—”
I had to go outside then. I couldn't stand it any more. There was a lump in my throat and I'd have given anything to wipe out my share in the practical jokes, but it was too late now.
Malachi was dead when I went in again, and that night the hat went round with the squatter's cheque in the bottom of it and we made it “all right” for Malachi's blind brother Jim.
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1
ass
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| n.驴；傻瓜，蠢笨的人 | |
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larks
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| n.百灵科鸟（尤指云雀）( lark的名词复数 )；一大早就起床；鸡鸣即起；（因太费力而不想干时说）算了v.百灵科鸟（尤指云雀）( lark的第三人称单数 )；一大早就起床；鸡鸣即起；（因太费力而不想干时说）算了 | |
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legitimate
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| adj.合法的，合理的，合乎逻辑的；v.使合法 | |
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butt
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| n.笑柄；烟蒂；枪托；臀部；v.用头撞或顶 | |
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remonstrance
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| n抗议，抱怨 | |
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outrageous
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| adj.无理的，令人不能容忍的 | |
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bunk
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| n.(车、船等倚壁而设的)铺位；废话 | |
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aspired
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| v.渴望，追求( aspire的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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hatred
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| n.憎恶，憎恨，仇恨 | |
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syllables
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| n.音节( syllable的名词复数 ) | |
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forfeit
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| vt.丧失；n.罚金，罚款，没收物 | |
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previously
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| adv.以前，先前（地） | |
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divers
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| adj.不同的；种种的 | |
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breach
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| n.违反，不履行；破裂；vt.冲破，攻破 | |
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alluded
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| 提及，暗指( allude的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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implicit
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| a.暗示的，含蓄的，不明晰的，绝对的 | |
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yarn
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| n.纱，纱线，纺线；奇闻漫谈，旅行轶事 | |
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yarns
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| n.纱( yarn的名词复数 )；纱线；奇闻漫谈；旅行轶事 | |
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delineation
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| n.记述；描写 | |
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housekeepers
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| n.（女）管家( housekeeper的名词复数 ) | |
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21
awe
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| n.敬畏，惊惧；vt.使敬畏，使惊惧 | |
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bristled
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| adj. 直立的，多刺毛的 动词bristle的过去式和过去分词 | |
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tilted
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| v. 倾斜的 | |
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skull
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| n.头骨；颅骨 | |
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skulls
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| 颅骨( skull的名词复数 )； 脑袋； 脑子； 脑瓜 | |
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pumpkin
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| n.南瓜 | |
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stammer
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| n.结巴，口吃；v.结结巴巴地说 | |
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gasped
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| v.喘气( gasp的过去式和过去分词 )；喘息；倒抽气；很想要 | |
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humbug
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| n.花招，谎话，欺骗 | |
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bruised
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| [医]青肿的，瘀紫的 | |
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remains
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| n.剩余物，残留物；遗体，遗迹 | |
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calf
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| n.小牛，犊，幼仔，小牛皮 | |
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docile
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| adj.驯服的，易控制的，容易教的 | |
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fussy
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| adj.为琐事担忧的，过分装饰的，爱挑剔的 | |
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exquisite
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| adj.精美的；敏锐的；剧烈的，感觉强烈的 | |
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progeny
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| n.后代，子孙；结果 | |
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gallantly
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| adv. 漂亮地，勇敢地，献殷勤地 | |
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38
intercept
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| vt.拦截，截住，截击 | |
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39
scampering
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| v.蹦蹦跳跳地跑，惊惶奔跑( scamper的现在分词 ) | |
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