I quaked in the cold blasts which blew on me out of unsuspected doors opening on my life.
And still I went back to Higgleston. There seemed nothing else to do. I think I deceived myself with the notion that there was something in Tommy's resistance to a more acceptable destiny, that could be resolved and dissipated by the proper stimulus2. But I knew, in fact, that he and Higgleston suited one another admirably. To my husband, that he should keep a clothing store in a town of five thousand inhabitants was part of the great natural causation. The single change to which our condition was liable was that the business might take a turn which would enable us to move out of the store into a house of our own. It had not occurred to Tommy to take a turn himself. The Men's Tailors and Outfitters lay like most business in Higgleston, in the back water, rocking at times in the wake of the world traffic, but never moving with it. There was a vague notion of progress abroad which resulted in our going through the motions of the main current. The Live Business Men organized a Board of Trade and rented a room to hold meetings in, but I do not remember that when they had met, anything came of it. The great tides of trade went about the world and our little fleet rocked up and down. If I had ever had any hope that Tommy and I might out of our common stock, somehow hoist3 sail and make a way out of it, in that spring and summer I completely lost it.
I believe Tommy thought we were perfectly4 happy. Considering how things turned out, I am glad to have it so; but the fact is, there was not between us so much as a common taste in furniture. In the five years of married life, our home had filled up with articles which by colour and line and unfitness jarred on every sense. Tommy had what he was pleased to call an ear for music, and if the warring discords5 of our furnishings could have been translated into sound he would have gone distracted with it; being as it was he bought me a fire screen for my birthday. Miss Rathbone hand-painted it for the Baptist bazaar6, and Tommy had bought it at three times what we could have afforded for a suitable ornament7. It was his notion of our relations that we and the Rathbones should do things like that by one another. I suppose you can find the like of that fire screen at some county fair still in Ohianna, but you will find nothing more atrocious. Tommy liked to have it sitting well out in the room where he could admire it. He would remark upon it sometimes with complacency, evenings after the store was shut up, before he sat down in his old coat and slippers8 to read the paper. Occasionally I read to him out of a magazine or a play I had picked up, in the intervals9 of which I used to catch him furtively11 keeping up with his newspaper out of the tail of his eye.
Now and then we went out to a sociable12 or to the Rathbones for supper. Less frequently we had them to a meal with us. It was characteristic of business partnerships13 in Higgleston that they involved you in obligations of chicken salad and banana cake and the best tablecloth14. Tommy enjoyed these occasions, and if he had allowed himself to criticise15 me at all, it would have been for my ineptitude16 at the happy social usage. Things went on so with us month after month.
And if you ask me why I didn't take the chance life offers to women to justify17 themselves to the race, I will say that though the hope of a child presents itself sentimentally18 as opportunity, it figures primarily in the calculation of the majority, as a question of expense. The hard times foreseen by Burton Brothers hung black-winged in the air. We had not, in fact, been able to do more than keep up the interest on what was still due on the stock and fixtures19. Nor had I even quite recovered the bodily equilibrium20 disturbed by my first encounter with the rending21 powers of life. There was a time when the spring came on in a fulness, when the procreant impulse stirred awake. I saw myself adequately employed shaping men for it ... maybe ... but the immediate22 deterring23 fact was the payment to be made in August.
I went on living in Higgleston where human intercourse24 was organized on the basis that whatever a woman has of intelligence and worth, over and above the sum of such capacity in man, is to be excised25 as a superfluous26 growth, a monstrosity. Does anybody remember what the woman's world was like in small towns before the days of woman's clubs? There was a world of cooking and making over; there was a world of church-going and missionary27 societies and ministerial coöperation, half grudged28 and half assumed as a virtue29 which, since it was the only thing that lay outside themselves, was not without extenuation30. And there was another world which underlay31 all this, coloured and occasioned it, sicklied over with futility32; it was a world all of the care and expectancy33 of children overshadowed by the recurrent monthly dread34, crept about by whispers, heretical but persistent35, of methods of circumventing36 it, of a secret practice of things openly condemned37. It was a world that went half the time in faint-hearted or unwilling38 or rebellious39 anticipation40, and half on the broken springs of what as the subject of the endless, objectionable discussions, went by the name of "female complaints."
In all this there was no room for Olivia. Somehow the ordering of our four rooms over the store didn't appeal to me as a justification41 of existence, and I didn't care to undertake again matching the adventures of my neighbours in the field of domestic economy with mine in the department of self-expression. Let any one who disbelieves it try if he can assure the acceptance of his art on its merit as work, free of the implication of egotism. You may talk about a new frosting for cake, or an aeroplane you have invented, but you must not speak of a new verse form or a plastic effect.
All this time, in spite of my recent revulsion from it, I was consumed with the desire of acting42. My new-found faculty43 ached for use. It woke me in the night and wasted me; I had wild thoughts such as men have in the grip of an unjustifiable passion. All my imaginings at that time were of events, untoward44, fantastic, which should somehow throw me back upon the stage without the necessity on my part, of a moral conclusion. Sarah Croyden, to whom I wrote voluminously, could not understand why I resisted it; there was after all no actual opposition45 except what lay inherent in my traditions. Sarah had such a way of accepting life; she used it and her gift. Mine used me. I saw that it might even abuse me. She went, by nature, undefended and unharmed from the two-edged sword that keeps the gates of Creative Art, but me it pierced even to the dividing of soul and spirit. My husband stood always curiously46 outside the consideration. I think he was scarcely aware of what went on in me; if any news of my tormented47 state reached him, he would have seen, except as it was mollified by affection, what all Higgleston saw in it, the restlessness of vanity, a craving48 for excitement, for praise, and a vague taint49 of irregularity. He was sympathetic to the point of admitting that Higgleston was dull; he thought we might join the Chatauqua Society.
"Or you might get up a class," he suggested hopefully; "it would give you something to think about."
"Teach," I cried; "TEACH! when I'm just aching to learn!"
"Well, then," he achieved a triumph of reasonableness, "if you don't know enough to teach in Higgleston, how are you going to succeed on the stage?"
It was not Tommy, however, but a much worse man who made up my mind for me. He had been brought out from Chicago during my absence, to set up in Higgleston's one department store, that factitious air of things being done, which passed for the evidence of modernity. He had, in the set of his clothes, the way he made the most of his hair and the least of the puffiness about his eyes, the effect of having done something successfully for himself, which I believe was the utmost recommendation he had for the place. He preferred himself to my favour on the strength of having seen more than a little of the theatre. Very soon after my return, he took to dropping into my husband's store which, in view of its being patronized by men who were chiefly otherwise occupied during the day, was kept open rather late in the evenings. From sheer loneliness I had fallen into the habit of going down after supper to wait on a stray customer while Tommy made up the books. Mr. Montague, who went familiarly about town by the name of Monty, would come in then and loll across the counter chatting to me, while Tommy sat at his desk with a green shade over his eyes, and Mr. Rathbone, who never came more than a step or two out of his character as working tailor, clattered50 about with his irons in the back, half screened by the racks of custom made "Nobby suits, $9.98," which made up most of our stock in trade.
I had already, without paying much attention to it, become accustomed to the shifting of men's interest in me the moment my connection with the stage became known: a certain speculation51 in the eye, a freshening of the wind in the neighbourhood of adventure; but by degrees it began to work through my preoccupations that Mr. Montague's attention had the quality of settled expectation, the suggestion of a relation apart from the casual social contact, which it wanted but an opportunity to fulfill52. It took the form very early, when Tommy would look up from his entries and adding up to make his cheerful contribution to the conversation, of an attempt to include me in a covert53 irritation54 at the interruption. If by any chance he found me alone, his response to the potential impropriety of the occasion, awoke in me the plain vulgar desire to box his ears. But no experience so far served to reveal the whole offensiveness of the man's assurance.
The week that Tommy went up to Chicago to do his summer buying, we made a practice of closing rather early in the long, enervating55 evenings, since hardly any customer could have been inveigled56 into the store on any account. I found it particularly irritating then, to have Mr. Montague leaning across the counter to me with a manner that would have caused the dogs in the street to suspect him of intrigue57. The second or third time this happened I made a point of slipping around to Mr. Rathbone with the suggestion that if he would shut up and go home I would take the books upstairs with me and attend them.
I was indifferent whether or not Mr. Montague should hear me, but I judged he had not, for far from accepting it as a hint that I wished to get rid of him, that air he had of covert understanding appeared to have increased in him like a fever. He made no attempt to resume the conversation, but stood tapping his boot with a small cane59 he affected60, a flush high up under the puffy eyes, the corners of his mouth loosened, every aspect of the man fairly bristling61 with an objectionable maleness. I made believe to be busy putting stock in order, and in a minute more I could hear old Rathbone come puttering out of his corner to draw the dust cloths over the racks of ready-made suits and, after what seemed an interminable interval10, fumbling62 at the knobs of the safe.
"Oh," I snatched at the opportunity, "I changed the combination; let me show you." I was around beside him in a twinkling.
"Good-night," I called to Montague over my shoulder.
"Good-night," he said; the tone was charged. The fumbling of the locks covered the sound of his departure. I got Mr. Rathbone out at the door at last, and locked it behind him. I turned back to lower the flame of the acetylene lamp and in the receding63 flare64 of it between the shrouded65 racks I came face to face with Mr. Montague. He stood at the outer ring of the light and in the shock of amazement66 I gave the last turn of the button which left us in a sudden blinding dark. I felt him come toward me by the sharp irradiation of offensiveness.
I dodged68 by instinct and felt for the button again to throw on the flood of light; it caught him standing58 square in the middle of the aisle69 in plain sight from the street; almost unconsciously he altered his attitude to one less betraying, but the response of his mind to mine was not so rapid.
"I'm going to shut up the store," I was very quiet about it. "You'll oblige me by going——"
"Oh, come now; what's the use? I thought you were a woman of the world."
I got behind the counter, past him toward the door.
"You an actress ... you don't mean to say! By Jove, I'm not going to be made a fool of after such an encouragement! I'm not going without——"
"Mr. Montague," I said, "Tillie Hemingway is coming to stay with me nights; she will be here in a few minutes; you'd better not let her find you here." I unbarred the door and threw it wide open.
"Oh, come now——" He struggled for some footing other than defeat. "Of course, if you can't meet me like a woman of the world——you're a nice actress, you are!" I looked at him; the steps and voices of passersby70 sounded on the pavement; he went out with his tail between his legs. I locked the door after him and double locked it.
I climbed up to my room and locked myself in that. The boiling of my blood made such a noise in my ears that I could not hear Tillie Hemingway when she came knocking, and the poor girl went away in tears. After a long time I got to bed and sat there with my arms about my knees. I did not feel safe there; I knew I should never be safe again except in that little square of the world upon which the footlights shone, from which the tightening71 of the reins72 of the audience in my hands, should justify my life to me. I was sick with longing73 for it, aching like a woman abandoned for the arms of her beloved. I fled toward it with all my thought from illicit74 solicitation75, but it was not the husband of my body I thought of in that connection, but the choice of my soul.
People wonder why sensitive, self-respecting women are not driven away from the stage by the offences that hedge it; they are driven deeper and farther into its enfoldment. There is nothing to whiten the burning of its shames but the high whiteness of its ultimate perfection. It is so with all art, not back in the press of life, but forward on some over-topping headland, one loses behind the yelping76 pack and eases the sting of resentment77. I did not agree in the beginning to make you understand this. I only tell you that it is so. All that night I sat with my head upon my knees and considered how I might win back to it.
I tried, when my husband came home, to put the incident to him in a way that would stand for my new-found determination. I did not get so far with it. I saw him shrink from the mere78 recital79 with a man's timorousness80.
"Oh, come—he couldn't have meant so bad as that." His male dread of a "situation" plead with me not to insist upon it. "And he went just as soon as you told him to. Of course if he had tried to force you ... but you say yourself he went quietly."
He was seeing and shrinking from what Higgleston would get out of the incident in the way of vulgar entertainment if I insisted on his taking it up; by the code there, I shouldn't have been subject to such if I hadn't invited it.
"Of course," he enforced himself, "you did right to turn him down, but I don't believe he'll try it again."
"He won't have a chance. I'm going back on the stage so soon;" the implication of my tone must have got through even Tommy's unimaginativeness; he said the only bitter thing that I ever heard from him.
"Well, if you hadn't gone on the stage in the first place it probably wouldn't have happened."
He came round to the situation in another frame when he learned that I had written to Sarah putting matters in train for an engagement.
"You will probably be away all winter," he said. "It seems to me, Olivia, that you don't take any account of the fact that I am fond of you." We were sitting on a little shelf of a back balcony we had, for the sake of coolness, and I went and sat on his knee.
"I'm fond of you, Tommy, ever so. But I can't stand the life here; it smothers81 me. And we don't do anything; we don't get anywhere."
"I don't know what you mean, Olivia; we're building up quite a business; we'll be able to make a payment this year, and as the town improves——"
"Oh, Tommy, come away; come away into the world with me. Let us go out and do things; let us be part of things."
"Higgleston's good enough for me. We're building up trade, and everybody says the town is sure to go ahead——"
"Oh, Tommy, Tommy, what do I care about a business here if we lose the whole world—and we'll be old and gray before we get the business paid for. Oh, it isn't because I don't care about you, Tommy, because I am not satisfied with you; it is the glory of the world I want, and the wonder of Art, and great deeds going up and down in it! I want us to have that, Tommy; to have it together ... you and I, and not another. It's all there in the world, Tommy, all the colour and the splendour ... great love and great work ... let us go out and take it; let us go...." I had slipped down from his knees to my own as I talked, pleading with him, and I saw, by the light of the lamp from within, his face, charged with pained bewilderment, settle into lines of habitual82 resistance to the unknown, the unknowable. My voice trailed out into sobbing83.
"Of course, Olivia, I don't want to keep you if you are not happy here, but I have to stay myself." His voice was broken but determined84, with the determination of a little man not seeing far ahead of him. "I have to keep the business together."
I went, as it was foredoomed I should, about the middle of September. Sarah and I had been so fortunate as to get engagements together. My going, upheaving as it had been in respect to my own adjustments, made hardly a ripple85 in the life around me. Even Miss Rathbone failed to rise to her former heights, but was obliged to piece out her interest with her customary dressmaker's manner of having temporarily overlaid her absorption in your affair with an unwilling distraction86.
The rest of Higgleston received the announcement with the air of not supposing it to be any of their business, but that in any case they couldn't approve of it. Mrs. Harvey put a common feminine view of it very aptly.
"I shouldn't think," she said, "your husband would let you." It was not a view that was likely to have a deterrent87 effect upon me.
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1
obsession
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| n.困扰，无法摆脱的思想(或情感) | |
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stimulus
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| n.刺激，刺激物，促进因素，引起兴奋的事物 | |
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hoist
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| n.升高，起重机，推动；v.升起，升高，举起 | |
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4
perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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discords
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| 不和（discord的复数形式） | |
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bazaar
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| n.集市，商店集中区 | |
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ornament
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| v.装饰，美化；n.装饰，装饰物 | |
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slippers
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| n. 拖鞋 | |
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intervals
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| n.[军事]间隔( interval的名词复数 )；间隔时间；[数学]区间；（戏剧、电影或音乐会的）幕间休息 | |
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interval
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| n.间隔，间距；幕间休息，中场休息 | |
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furtively
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| adv. 偷偷地, 暗中地 | |
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sociable
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| adj.好交际的，友好的，合群的 | |
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partnerships
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| n.伙伴关系( partnership的名词复数 )；合伙人身份；合作关系 | |
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14
tablecloth
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| n.桌布，台布 | |
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criticise
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| v.批评，评论；非难 | |
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ineptitude
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| n.不适当；愚笨，愚昧的言行 | |
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justify
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| vt.证明…正当(或有理)，为…辩护 | |
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sentimentally
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| adv.富情感地 | |
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fixtures
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| （房屋等的）固定装置( fixture的名词复数 )； 如（浴盆、抽水马桶）； 固定在某位置的人或物； （定期定点举行的）体育活动 | |
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equilibrium
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| n.平衡，均衡，相称，均势，平静 | |
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rending
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| v.撕碎( rend的现在分词 )；分裂；（因愤怒、痛苦等而）揪扯（衣服或头发等）；（声音等）刺破 | |
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immediate
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| adj.立即的；直接的，最接近的；紧靠的 | |
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deterring
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| v.阻止，制止( deter的现在分词 ) | |
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intercourse
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| n.性交；交流，交往，交际 | |
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excised
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| v.切除，删去( excise的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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superfluous
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| adj.过多的，过剩的，多余的 | |
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missionary
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| adj.教会的，传教(士)的；n.传教士 | |
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grudged
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| 怀恨（grudge的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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extenuation
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| n.减轻罪孽的借口；酌情减轻；细 | |
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underlay
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| v.位于或存在于（某物）之下( underlie的过去式 )；构成…的基础（或起因），引起n.衬垫物 | |
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futility
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| n.无用 | |
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expectancy
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| n.期望，预期，（根据概率统计求得）预期数额 | |
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dread
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| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
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persistent
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| adj.坚持不懈的，执意的；持续的 | |
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circumventing
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| v.设法克服或避免（某事物），回避( circumvent的现在分词 )；绕过，绕行，绕道旅行 | |
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condemned
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| adj. 被责难的, 被宣告有罪的 动词condemn的过去式和过去分词 | |
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unwilling
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| adj.不情愿的 | |
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rebellious
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| adj.造反的，反抗的，难控制的 | |
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40
anticipation
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| n.预期，预料，期望 | |
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justification
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| n.正当的理由；辩解的理由 | |
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acting
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| n.演戏，行为，假装；adj.代理的，临时的，演出用的 | |
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faculty
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| n.才能；学院，系；(学院或系的)全体教学人员 | |
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44
untoward
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| adj.不利的，不幸的，困难重重的 | |
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opposition
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| n.反对，敌对 | |
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curiously
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| adv.有求知欲地；好问地；奇特地 | |
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tormented
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| 饱受折磨的 | |
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craving
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| n.渴望,热望 | |
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taint
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| n.污点；感染；腐坏；v.使感染；污染 | |
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50
clattered
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| 发出咔哒声（clatter的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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speculation
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| n.思索，沉思；猜测；投机 | |
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52
fulfill
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| vt.履行，实现，完成；满足，使满意 | |
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53
covert
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| adj.隐藏的；暗地里的 | |
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54
irritation
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| n.激怒，恼怒，生气 | |
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enervating
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| v.使衰弱，使失去活力( enervate的现在分词 ) | |
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56
inveigled
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| v.诱骗，引诱( inveigle的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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intrigue
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| vt.激起兴趣，迷住；vi.耍阴谋；n.阴谋，密谋 | |
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58
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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59
cane
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| n.手杖，细长的茎，藤条；v.以杖击，以藤编制的 | |
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affected
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| adj.不自然的，假装的 | |
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bristling
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| a.竖立的 | |
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fumbling
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| n. 摸索,漏接 v. 摸索,摸弄,笨拙的处理 | |
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receding
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| v.逐渐远离( recede的现在分词 )；向后倾斜；自原处后退或避开别人的注视；尤指问题 | |
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64
flare
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| v.闪耀，闪烁；n.潮红；突发 | |
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shrouded
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| v.隐瞒( shroud的过去式和过去分词 )；保密 | |
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amazement
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| n.惊奇，惊讶 | |
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fatuous
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| adj.愚昧的；昏庸的 | |
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dodged
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| v.闪躲( dodge的过去式和过去分词 )；回避 | |
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aisle
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| n.（教堂、教室、戏院等里的）过道，通道 | |
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passersby
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| n. 过路人(行人,经过者) | |
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tightening
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| 上紧，固定，紧密 | |
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reins
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| 感情，激情； 缰( rein的名词复数 )； 控制手段； 掌管； （成人带着幼儿走路以防其走失时用的）保护带 | |
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longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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illicit
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| adj.非法的，禁止的，不正当的 | |
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solicitation
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| n.诱惑；揽货；恳切地要求；游说 | |
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yelping
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| v.发出短而尖的叫声( yelp的现在分词 ) | |
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resentment
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| n.怨愤，忿恨 | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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recital
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| n.朗诵，独奏会，独唱会 | |
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timorousness
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| n.羞怯，胆怯 | |
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smothers
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| （使）窒息， （使）透不过气( smother的第三人称单数 )； 覆盖； 忍住； 抑制 | |
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habitual
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| adj.习惯性的；通常的，惯常的 | |
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sobbing
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| <主方>Ⅰ adj.湿透的 | |
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determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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ripple
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| n.涟波，涟漪，波纹，粗钢梳；vt.使...起涟漪，使起波纹； vi.呈波浪状，起伏前进 | |
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distraction
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| n.精神涣散，精神不集中，消遣，娱乐 | |
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deterrent
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| n.阻碍物，制止物；adj.威慑的，遏制的 | |
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