During the early weeks of their marriage Lord Hurdly, while changing his attitude from the solicitude1 of the pursuer to the masterfulness of the possessor, had certainly made some effort to win Bettina, while she, on her part, had tried to oblige him by responding to his professions for her. Both were aware that this effort had been made on both sides, and that it had quite failed. By the time the honey-moon was over, Lord Hurdly had, to all appearance, ceased to care. The consciousness of this was an immense relief to Bettina, and she had felt ever since that in doing him credit in the eyes of the world she would satisfy his first object in having her for a wife. In this she had not failed. There was a distinct estrangement2 between them, but it had never been necessary to define it. Whatever disagreements there had been, only themselves were aware of. Lord Hurdly would have felt his authority over her [Pg 95]incomplete indeed if he had ever had to assert it in public.
As for Bettina, a singular change of feeling was going on within her. She had made her test of the world, and found that she had overrated its power to please. It was almost appalling3 to reflect that there was no more for her to do than to repeat what she had already done. Another London season, another autumn in receiving and making visits, another winter abroad. What then? Was there nothing but material pleasure for her in the world? She wanted something more, something different from all this.
One morning she went out into the park, where spring was just beginning to put forth5 its greenery. Leaping footsteps sounded behind her. It was Comrade, bounding to her side and nestling up against her. She put her arm around his neck and drew him close. He responded with an affectionateness that was almost human.
Almost human! At this thought she began to ask herself how much human affection there was for her in the world. As much, no doubt, she told herself, as she had to bestow6. But why was this?
The birds were going wild with song in the branches above her head. The grass, the trees, [Pg 96]the clouds, the sky, seemed all to have been made to be part of a world for love to dwell in. A great hunger possessed7 her—a hunger not to be loved, but to love. For the first time she found herself longing8 for this boon9, entirely10 apart from any idea of her mother. Oh, to have some one with a human, comprehending, ardent11 heart, to put her arms around as she was now clasping Comrade—some one to whom to offer up the wealth of love which she had once thought she could never give except to her dear mother; some one who might make that mother’s words come true, that a love far greater than any she had known might be in store for her; some one, handsome, charming, ardent, loving, sympathetic, kind; some one to be friend and brother and lover all in one; above all, some one with thoughts and feelings akin4 to her own—some one impulsive12 and natural—some one young!
When at last she said good-bye to Comrade and returned to her rooms, she felt in some strange way that a new era had dawned for her. But a mood like this was new in her experience, and she fought resolutely13 against its recurrence14. As an aid to this end she threw herself more eagerly into the external interests which were so great in such a position as hers, and became more [Pg 97]noted for her splendid entertainments and rich dressing15 than she had been the season before. As she got a deeper insight into the conditions of the life about her, she saw opportunities for influence and power, even to a woman, which attracted her. But she was very ignorant. She knew little of the world and English affairs, and she found the women about her so well informed on these subjects that she began to feel herself at a certain disadvantage. This roused her pride, and she set to work to inform herself on many subjects of which she had hitherto been ignorant.
One means to this end was the reading of newspapers, and this occupation now absorbed a part of every morning. In this way she occasionally came upon Horace Spotswood’s name, and when she did, a strange agitation16 would possess her. She could not quite shake off an influence which this man’s life seemed to exert upon hers. Lord Hurdly would have had her believe that she had bestowed17 a great benefit upon Horace, as it was through her that he was in the possession of his present independent fortune, but there was no voice so strong as the one in her own heart which told her that she had wronged him. Here and there she had picked up the impressions of many [Pg 98]different people concerning this young diplomatist, and unquestionably the aggregated18 effect was one of admiration19. The brief notices of him which she read in the papers confirmed this impression of him. He was doing well, for a man of his years, in diplomacy20, and he was doing more than well in the work he had undertaken for the relief of the famine-stricken population near him.
It was Horace’s interest in this cause which had given rise to Bettina’s interest in it, and she began to read eagerly all that she could find on the subject. As a result her heart was, for the first time in her life, awakened21 to an intense perception of the suffering of the world at large. It was a new emotion to her, and one which throbbed22 through all her consciousness with a power which changed her individuality even to herself. She began to think for the first time of the utter recklessness with which she had been spending the large sums of money which Lord Hurdly placed at her disposal. Her expenditure23 of these sums heretofore had met with his entire approval, as she could never have too rich a wardrobe to please him. It was all a part of his own glory and importance, and he never asked a question as to how the money went.
But now the tide within Bettina’s heart had [Pg 99]turned. As she read of the sufferings of these starving people, the thought of her own excess of luxuriousness24 sickened her. The more she felt within her soul that nameless sadness which no outside help could relieve, the more she felt it urgent upon her to relieve the wants of others when this assuagement25 lay within her actual power.
It may seem strange that, with a mother who had a large-hearted sympathy with all sorrow, Bettina should have kept her own heart so closed to the suffering outside it; but no seed can sprout26 until the soil is prepared for it, and up to this period of her life the ground of Bettina’s heart had been unprepared.
Now, however, all was changed. She went to balls and dinners, as her position as Lord Hurdly’s wife demanded, but her heart was elsewhere. She began to economize27 strictly28 in her personal expenditure, and collected all the ready money she could lay her hands on, both from her husband’s allowance and from her own small private fortune, and sent it anonymously29 to the Indian famine fund.
This contribution was sent in with no other identification than “From B.,” written on the card which accompanied it. How could Bettina [Pg 100]have dreamed that any living soul would connect her with it?
She was not unaware30, however, that she was constantly watched by her husband. Since she had become interested in her new pursuits he observed her more closely than ever, and on the morning of the publication in the papers of the special additions to the famine fund which contained her own subscription31 Lord Hurdly, with apparently32 no reason at all, read the list aloud to her across the breakfast table.
When he came to the item “From B.,” he paused and looked at her searchingly.
Bettina felt her face turn red.
“I thought so,” said her husband, with a strange mixture of satisfaction and anger in his hard tones. “I have been expecting some such foolery as this for some time, and I am not blinded to the motive33 behind it. What do you care about those devils of Indian savages34? What does Horace Spotswood care about them? Just as little! Enough, and too much, of my money has gone already to the prolonging of their worthless lives. If that graceless cub35 chooses to go on wasting money on them he can do it, but I take this occasion to inform you, Lady Hurdly—and I’d advise you to remember what I [Pg 101]say—that I do not choose that any more of my money shall go in that direction. Do you understand?”
There was an insolence36 in his tone which he had never used to her before. She resented it keenly. Rising to her feet, with an instinct which forbade her to preside over the table at the other end of which he was seated as master, she said, with a tinge37 of anger in her quiet tones:
“The money was partly my own—from my mother’s little fortune; and she would have held, with me, that I could put it to no more holy use. As to the rest, I understood that that also was my own. I did not know that you required of me an account of how I used it.”
“How you used it? You may light your fire with it, for all I care! But there is one thing for which I do care, and which I mean to see nipped in the bud; and that is this ridiculous sentimentality which you are indulging in over Horace Spotswood. If you are regretting your young lover, that is your own affair, but when you come to flaunt38 this regret before the eyes of the public it becomes my affair, and as such I propose to put a stop to it.”
Bettina trembled with the rage of resentment39 [Pg 102]that possessed her. She recollected40 herself enough, however, not to speak until she had paused long enough to be sure that she could control herself. Then she said:
“You are forgetting yourself, Lord Hurdly, when you presume to speak to me as you have just done. I have given you no occasion to do so, and you know it. If there are certain regrets in my marriage to you, your present conduct justifies41 them. But permit me to say, on my side, that I can imagine no explanation of your behavior, except to suppose that it proceeds from a consciousness in your own mind of having wronged this man.”
She was looking at him narrowly. His features did not flush, nor did his cold eyes falter42. And yet, in spite of the long habit of guardedness which now stood him in such good stead, there was a consciousness about him, like an atmosphere, which told her that her thrust had drawn43 blood.
“I thought so!” she said, using the very words which he had used to her. “I have for a long time been struggling in my mind against a doubt which sometimes would arise, that I might have been deceived. Everywhere, in public and in private, that I hear that young man spoken of, [Pg 103]it is with words of confidence, admiration, and affection.”
“You saw the letter,” he said, with a sneer46. “If that was not enough for you—” He broke off with a harsh, unpleasant laugh.
“It was enough,” she said. “Surely it has sufficed to fix my fate in life. But it is possible that that letter gave an exaggerated account. Still, if the half of it was so, I was more than justified47 in cutting loose from him. No one could possibly blame me.”
“No one does, so far as I can see,” was the malicious48 answer. “I hear of no complaints from others, and certainly I have uttered none. You make a very satisfactory Lady Hurdly, and I suppose you get enough out of the position to repay you for anything you may have lost—at least, from the world’s point of view, you should have done so.”
Bettina did not answer at once. A sickness of soul was creeping over her that made all life look suddenly loathsome49. The one feeble ray that penetrated50 the darkness in which she felt herself enveloped51 was the help that came from a certain ideal which she had recently enthroned [Pg 104]in her own heart. As the world’s need, the wider issues affecting the myriad52 lives beyond her own, had recently been brought before her consciousness, she had felt her way, as simply and weakly as a child might have done, to one plain principle of life—that it was worth while to try to be good. Never had she felt so keenly as in this minute the utter futility53 of hoping to be happy. Yet in this minute she felt more than ever, also, that happiness was not all.
It was only rarely that she had any personal talk with her husband. The wall of separation between them seemed to be thickening by silent accretion54 all the time. It was very difficult to scale this wall, and she felt that any effort to do so irked him no less than it did her. So, with an instinct not to let go the present opportunity, she said, rather eagerly, as he was rising to go away:
“Sit down a moment. We do not often speak together. I have something on my mind to say to you.”
He resumed his seat and lighted a cigar—an action which discouraged her by its nonchalance55. Still, she was determined56 to go on. By a great effort she made her voice very gentle, as she said:
[Pg 105]
“I know I have disappointed you in what you had hoped from this marriage between us, and I want to tell you I am very sorry. If I have not been able to give you the feeling which you desired—”
He interrupted her.
“Feeling?” he said. “Who wants feeling nowadays in a wife? No one expects it. I wanted some one to make a handsome figure as Lady Hurdly. I expected that you would do that, and you have not disappointed me.”
“If this is true, I’m glad to know it,” she said; “but, at any rate, you could not blame me for not giving you the love another woman might have given you. I never deceived you as to that. I told you I had not that love to give; not—as you have so unjustly hinted—because I had given it to another man, but because I was then incapable57 of love. I had no thought of any one beyond myself. I was miserably58 ignorant and egoistic. It was in ignorance and egoism that I took the position of your wife, but I think from the first that I have tried, as I could, to fulfil its obligations. I have tried to be and to appear what you would wish. And I am not unmindful of the honor and distinction which my marriage to you has conferred upon me.”
[Pg 106]
“Gad! I should hope not! One of the biggest positions in England!” he exclaimed, in a tone of scornful irritation59. With these words he rose and left the room.
Bettina’s pride was deeply wounded. It had been that new assertion of the control of duty which had led her to say these things to her husband. She had conquered much in herself before speaking, and she felt that she had a right to resent the almost brutal60 insensibility with which he had received her words.
As she turned from the breakfast-room and mounted to her own apartments she felt conscious of a new humiliation61 in her life. Up to this time she had believed that Lord Hurdly would have been incapable of such speech as he had used to her that morning. She had done a good deal—more than was required of her, she told herself—in speaking to him as she had done after his words in the early part of their conversation, and now it seemed plain to her that she had fulfilled her whole duty toward him, and that if it had done no good, the fault was on his side and not on hers.
Once in her own rooms, she gave herself up to profoundly sorrowful thoughts. She was only twenty-two. How long the path of her future [Pg 107]life looked, and whither would it lead? She had attained62 all that any woman could desire in the way of the world’s bestowment. She did not underrate the value of this. On the contrary, it was as essential to one part of her nature as something far different in the way of human possibility was to another part. She did not lose her hold upon the actual because she was striving after the unattained. All this power and admiration was very important to her, though she felt the insufficiency of mere63 worldly prosperity. “Pleasure to have it, none; to lose it, pain,” were words that very nearly fitted her state of mind. At the thought of going back to the obscurity she had come out of she shrank.
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1
solicitude
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| n.焦虑 | |
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estrangement
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| n.疏远，失和，不和 | |
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appalling
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| adj.骇人听闻的，令人震惊的，可怕的 | |
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akin
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| adj.同族的，类似的 | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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bestow
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| v.把…赠与，把…授予；花费 | |
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possessed
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| adj.疯狂的；拥有的，占有的 | |
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longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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boon
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| n.恩赐，恩物，恩惠 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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ardent
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，强烈的，烈性的 | |
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impulsive
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| adj.冲动的，刺激的；有推动力的 | |
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resolutely
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| adj.坚决地，果断地 | |
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recurrence
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| n.复发，反复，重现 | |
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15
dressing
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| n.(食物)调料；包扎伤口的用品，敷料 | |
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agitation
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| n.搅动；搅拌；鼓动，煽动 | |
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bestowed
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| 赠给，授予( bestow的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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aggregated
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| a.聚合的，合计的 | |
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admiration
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| n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕 | |
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20
diplomacy
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| n.外交；外交手腕，交际手腕 | |
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21
awakened
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| v.（使）醒( awaken的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）觉醒；弄醒；（使）意识到 | |
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throbbed
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| 抽痛( throb的过去式和过去分词 )； （心脏、脉搏等）跳动 | |
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23
expenditure
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| n.(时间、劳力、金钱等)支出；使用，消耗 | |
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luxuriousness
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assuagement
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| n.缓和；减轻；缓和物 | |
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sprout
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| n.芽，萌芽；vt.使发芽，摘去芽；vi.长芽，抽条 | |
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economize
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| v.节约，节省 | |
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strictly
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| adv.严厉地，严格地；严密地 | |
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anonymously
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| ad.用匿名的方式 | |
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30
unaware
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| a.不知道的，未意识到的 | |
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subscription
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| n.预订，预订费，亲笔签名，调配法，下标（处方） | |
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apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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motive
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| n.动机，目的；adv.发动的，运动的 | |
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34
savages
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| 未开化的人，野蛮人( savage的名词复数 ) | |
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cub
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| n.幼兽，年轻无经验的人 | |
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insolence
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| n.傲慢；无礼；厚颜；傲慢的态度 | |
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tinge
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| vt.(较淡)着色于，染色；使带有…气息；n.淡淡色彩，些微的气息 | |
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flaunt
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| vt.夸耀，夸饰 | |
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resentment
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| n.怨愤，忿恨 | |
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recollected
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| adj.冷静的；镇定的；被回忆起的；沉思默想的v.记起，想起( recollect的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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41
justifies
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| 证明…有理( justify的第三人称单数 )； 为…辩护； 对…作出解释； 为…辩解（或辩护） | |
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42
falter
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| vi.(嗓音)颤抖，结巴地说；犹豫；蹒跚 | |
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43
drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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penetrating
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| adj.（声音）响亮的，尖锐的adj.（气味）刺激的adj.（思想）敏锐的，有洞察力的 | |
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45
flinching
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| v.（因危险和痛苦）退缩，畏惧( flinch的现在分词 ) | |
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46
sneer
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| v.轻蔑；嘲笑；n.嘲笑，讥讽的言语 | |
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47
justified
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| a.正当的，有理的 | |
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48
malicious
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| adj.有恶意的，心怀恶意的 | |
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49
loathsome
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| adj.讨厌的，令人厌恶的 | |
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50
penetrated
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| adj. 击穿的，鞭辟入里的 动词penetrate的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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51
enveloped
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| v.包围，笼罩，包住( envelop的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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52
myriad
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| adj.无数的；n.无数，极大数量 | |
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53
futility
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| n.无用 | |
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54
accretion
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| n.自然的增长，增加物 | |
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55
nonchalance
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| n.冷淡，漠不关心 | |
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56
determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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57
incapable
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| adj.无能力的，不能做某事的 | |
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58
miserably
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| adv.痛苦地；悲惨地；糟糕地；极度地 | |
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59
irritation
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| n.激怒，恼怒，生气 | |
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60
brutal
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| adj.残忍的，野蛮的，不讲理的 | |
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61
humiliation
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| n.羞辱 | |
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62
attained
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| （通常经过努力）实现( attain的过去式和过去分词 )； 达到； 获得； 达到（某年龄、水平、状况） | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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