The reading of that letter from Horace to the rector was a crisis in Bettina’s life. Its effect upon her was singular. When she eagerly took in those pages filled with such anguish1 as possesses the heart but once or twice in a lifetime, the consciousness that it was she, Bettina, who had created such a love in the heart of the man that Horace Spotswood was to her now, so exhilarated her that she was capable of but one feeling—exultation. To have had this love, though now she had it not, seemed to glorify2 her life. To have caused him such sorrow—how greatly he had cared! In spite of all there was rapture3 in it!
That mood was followed by one of intense regret—an excoriating4 self-accusation that made her spirit writhe5 before her own bar of justice. Then, by degrees, when there came a moment of comparative calm, she forced herself to recognize the fact that it was the Bettina of [Pg 198]the past who had been so loved, and that the man who had so loved her was that youthful and impulsive6 Horace. Was not the present Bettina, the slightingly treated widow of his cousin, a very different being—as different as was the present Lord Hurdly from that old and outgrown7 other self? Surely the change in both was great—a change which she construed8 as absolutely to her own disadvantage as it was to his advantage.
Yet, in spite of this, that letter brought a strange strength to her heart. Since it was now so plain that he had so truly, so worshippingly loved her, she felt a summons to her soul to be her highest possible, to overcome the slothful and the evil in her, and live as it became the woman who had been so loved by such a man. Above all, she longed to make her life avail for the good of others, that she might make it a thank-offering for what she had received in the knowledge that had come to her through that letter.
For, after its perusal9, she knew that never again could she entertain the doubts which had so often filled her mind at the thought of the complete silence in which Horace had accepted her rejection10 of him. Sometimes she had fancied [Pg 199]that it might have been a relief to him—a way out of a difficult situation; but now forever in her heart she could carry the proud consciousness that she had been as passionately12 loved as she had been desperately13 regretted.
It was a strange source, perhaps, from which to draw strength, but it availed her now. With a sudden renewal14 of the energy of her youth she began to look about her for work which she might do. Fortunately the rector was ready with practical, immediate15 employment for heart and hand, and pocket, too, alas16! for now the fact was forced upon her consciousness that she was poor. It would be as one of themselves, only somewhat different in degree, that she must help these suffering ones, and, in spite of being hampered17 by this limitation, there was a certain sweetness in it. Her work among the poor had begun at Kingdon Hall, and there she had been often baffled by the sense of the difference between herself and those whom she wished to help. She knew that this consciousness was in their hearts as well as in hers, and that it made an impalpable but positive barrier. But now and here all was different. She longed for the money that would have enabled her to do so much more, and yet she felt it, somehow, sweet to be [Pg 200]as they. Her consciousness of her own past wrong-doing had so penetrated18 her soul with humility19 that she was like a totally different being.
She had said nothing to the rector of her determination not to touch the money that her late husband had left her, but she strictly20 adhered to this resolve. It was impossible. She simply felt she could not. She found no difficulty in forgiving him for all that he had done. She was too tender-hearted to bear malice21 toward the dead, but she could not touch his money. Since she had once thought about it—receiving food and clothes and comforts from his hands—she had realized that it was an impossibility. She knew that the money was deposited in bank for her, but there it might remain. She had told Horace that she would not touch it, and he should see that she would keep her word.
Then came a thought that made her smile. He had wished to force upon her the acceptance of a larger sum, because it was not proper that Lord Hurdly’s widow should live otherwise than in pomp and circumstance. If he could see her now! This it was that made her smile.
She had shut up all the house except the rooms on the first floor, in which she and Nora lived alone. She kept no other servant, and [Pg 201]this economy it was that enabled her to give to others. She had almost no personal wants, and the income which had sufficed for her mother and herself was more than enough for her alone. A little sting of injured pride there had been at first, when her poverty became apparent to the neighbors, who naturally expected her to enlarge rather than curtail22 her expenses; but she soon got the better of this. The issues of her life were in a wider field than mere23 neighborhood comment, and, besides this, her friends and associates were now chosen chiefly from the class who were too ignorant for such comment and speculation24.
For Bettina had thrown herself with a passionate11 fervor25 into the work which her hands had found to do. The one assuagement26 for the pain in her own heart seemed to be the alleviation27 of the pain in other hearts. She felt, also, a sense of thankfulness for the knowledge which had come to her through the rector, which made the whole work and service of her life seem all too little for her to give in return for this boon28. As for Horace, her feeling for him was akin29 to worship. It was he who represented to her henceforth the ideal which, like a fixed30 star, should give light to her path, though so immeasurably far above her.
[Pg 202]
What a strange life was this into which she had now entered! She felt the certainty that her courage would be sufficient for it, but with all her resolution she could not always keep back the bitter tears of her wordless, hopeless, uncontrollable longing31. At times this was a thing so mighty32 that she had the feeling that, if her body were only as strong as her spirit, she would be able to swim through those thousands of watery33 miles that separated them, only to tell him the truth, and then lay down her life at his feet.
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1
anguish
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| n.(尤指心灵上的)极度痛苦，烦恼 | |
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2
glorify
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| vt.颂扬，赞美，使增光，美化 | |
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3
rapture
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| n.狂喜；全神贯注；着迷；v.使狂喜 | |
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4
excoriating
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| v.擦伤( excoriate的现在分词 )；擦破（皮肤）；剥（皮）；严厉指责 | |
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5
writhe
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| vt.挣扎，痛苦地扭曲；vi.扭曲，翻腾，受苦；n.翻腾，苦恼 | |
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6
impulsive
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| adj.冲动的，刺激的；有推动力的 | |
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7
outgrown
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| 长[发展] 得超过（某物）的范围( outgrow的过去分词 )； 长[发展]得不能再要（某物）； 长得比…快； 生长速度超过 | |
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8
construed
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| v.解释（陈述、行为等）( construe的过去式和过去分词 )；翻译，作句法分析 | |
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9
perusal
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| n.细读，熟读；目测 | |
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10
rejection
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| n.拒绝，被拒，抛弃，被弃 | |
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11
passionate
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，激昂的，易动情的，易怒的，性情暴躁的 | |
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12
passionately
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| ad.热烈地，激烈地 | |
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13
desperately
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| adv.极度渴望地，绝望地，孤注一掷地 | |
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14
renewal
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| adj.(契约)延期，续订，更新，复活，重来 | |
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15
immediate
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| adj.立即的；直接的，最接近的；紧靠的 | |
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16
alas
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| int.唉(表示悲伤、忧愁、恐惧等) | |
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17
hampered
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| 妨碍，束缚，限制( hamper的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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18
penetrated
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| adj. 击穿的，鞭辟入里的 动词penetrate的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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19
humility
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| n.谦逊，谦恭 | |
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20
strictly
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| adv.严厉地，严格地；严密地 | |
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21
malice
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| n.恶意，怨恨，蓄意；[律]预谋 | |
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22
curtail
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| vt.截短，缩短；削减 | |
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23
mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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24
speculation
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| n.思索，沉思；猜测；投机 | |
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25
fervor
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| n.热诚；热心；炽热 | |
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26
assuagement
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| n.缓和；减轻；缓和物 | |
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27
alleviation
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| n. 减轻，缓和，解痛物 | |
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28
boon
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| n.恩赐，恩物，恩惠 | |
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29
akin
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| adj.同族的，类似的 | |
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30
fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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31
longing
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| n.（for）渴望 | |
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32
mighty
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| adj.强有力的；巨大的 | |
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33
watery
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| adj.有水的，水汪汪的；湿的，湿润的 | |
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