It is with some very considerable hesitation1 that I come to this portion of my personal recollections, and yet I feel that I owe it to my fellow-citizens in this delightful2 Stygian country, where we are all enjoying our well-earned rest, to lay before them the exact truth concerning certain incidents which have now passed into history, and for participation3 in which a number of familiar figures are improperly4 gaining all the credit, or discredit5, as the case may be. It is not a pleasant task to expose an impostor; much less is it agreeable to expose four impostors; but to one who from the earliest times—and when I say earliest times I speak advisedly, as you will see as you read on—to one, I say, who from the earliest times has been actuated by no other motive6 than the promulgation7 of truth, the task of exposing fraud becomes a duty which cannot be ignored. Therefore, with regret I set down this chapter of my memoirs9, regardless of its consequences to certain figures which have been of no inconsiderable importance in our community for many years—figures which in my own favorite club, the Associated Shades, have been most welcome, but which, as I and they alone know, have been nothing more than impostures.
In previous volumes I have confined my attention to my memoirs as Baron10 Munchausen—but, dear reader, there are others. I WAS NOT ALWAYS BARON MUNCHAUSEN; I HAVE BEEN OTHERS! I am not aware that it has fallen to the lot of any but myself in the whole span of universal existence to live more than one life upon that curious, compact little ball of land and water called the Earth, but, in any event, to me has fallen that privilege or distinction, or whatever it may be, and upon the record made by me in four separate existences, placed centuries apart, four residents of this sphere are basing their claims to notice, securing election to our clubs, and even venturing so far at times as to make themselves personally obnoxious11 to me, who with a word could expose their wicked deceit in all its naked villainy to an astounded12 community. And in taking this course they have gone too far. There is a limit beyond which no man shall dare go with me. Satisfied with the ultimate embodiment of my virtues13 in the Baron Munchausen, I have been disposed to allow the impostors to pursue their deception14 in peace so long as they otherwise behave themselves, but when Adam chooses to allude15 to my writings as frothy lies, when Jonah attacks my right as a literary person to tell tales of leviathans, when Noah states that my ignorance in yachting matters is colossal16, and when William Shakespeare publicly brands me as a person unworthy of belief who should be expelled from the Associated Shades, then do I consider it time to speak out and expose four of the greatest frauds that have ever been inflicted18 upon a long-suffering public.
To begin at the beginning then, let me state that my first recollection dates back to a beautiful summer morning, when in a lovely garden I opened my eyes and became conscious of two very material facts: first, a charming woman arranging her hair in the mirror-like waters of a silver lake directly before me; and, second, a poignant19 pain in my side, as though I had been operated upon for appendicitis20, but which in reality resulted from the loss of a rib21 which had in turn evoluted into the charming and very human being I now saw before me. That woman was Eve; that mirror-like lake was set in the midst of the Garden of Eden; I was Adam, and not this watery-eyed antediluvian22 calling himself by my name, who is a familiar figure in the Anthropological23 Society, an authority on evolution, and a blot24 upon civilization.
I have little to say about this first existence of mine. It was full of delights. Speech not having been invented, Eve was an attractive companion to a man burdened as I was with responsibilities, and until our children were born we went our way in happiness and silence. It is not in the nature of things, however, that children should not wish to talk, and it was through the irrepressible efforts of Cain and Abel to be heard as well as seen that first called the attention of Eve and myself to the desirability of expressing our thoughts in words rather than by masonic signs.
I shall not burden my readers with further recollections of this period. It was excessively primitive25, of necessity, but before leaving it I must ask the reader to put one or two questions to himself in this matter.
1st. How is it that this bearded patriarch, who now poses as the only original Adam, has never been able, with any degree of positiveness, to answer the question as to whether or not he was provided with a caudal appendage—a question which I am prepared to answer definitely, at any moment, if called upon by the proper authorities, and, if need be, to produce not only the tail itself, but the fierce and untamed pterodactyl that bit it off upon that unfortunate autumn afternoon when he and I had our first and last conflict.
2d. Why is it that when describing a period concerning which he is supposed to know all, he seems to have given voice to sentiments in phrases which would have delighted Sheridan and shed added glory upon the eloquence26 of Webster, AT A TIME WHEN, AS I HAVE ALREADY SHOWN, THERE WAS NO SUCH THING AS SPEECH?
Upon these two points alone I rest my case against Adam: the first is the reticence27 of guilt—he doesn't know, and he knows he doesn't know; the second is a deliberate and offensive prevarication28, which shows again that he doesn't know, and assumes that we are all equally ignorant.
So much for Adam. Now for the cheap and year-ridden person who has taken unto himself my second personality, Noah; and that other strange combination of woe29 and wickedness, Jonah, who has chosen to pre-empt my third. I shall deal with both at one and the same time, for, taken separately, they are not worthy17 of notice.
Noah asserts that I know nothing of yachting. I will accept the charge with the qualification that I know a great sight more about Arking than he does; and as for Jonah, I can give Jonah points on whaling, and I hereby challenge them both to a Memoir8 Match for $2000 a side, in gold, to see which can give to the world the most interesting reminiscences concerning the cruises of the two craft in question, the Ark and the Whale, upon neither of which did either of these two anachronisms ever set foot, and of both of which I, in my two respective existences, was commander-in-chief. The fact is that, as in the case of the fictitious30 Adam, these two impersonators are frauds. The man now masquerading as Noah was my hired man in the latter part of the antediluvian period; was discharged three years before the flood; was left on shore at the hour of departure, and when last seen by me was sitting on the top of an apple-tree, begging to do two men's work for nothing if we'd only let him out of the wet. If he will at any time submit to a cross-examination at my hands as to the principal events of that memorable31 voyage, I will show to any fair-minded judge how impossible is his claim that he was in command, or even afloat, after the first week. I have hitherto kept silent in this matter, in spite of many and repeated outrageous32 flings, for the sake of his—or rather my—family, who have been deceived, as have all the rest of us, barring, of course, myself. References to portraits of leading citizens of that period will easily show how this can be. We were all alike as two peas in the olden days, and at a time when men reached to an advanced age which is not known now, it frequently became almost impossible to distinguish one old man from another. I will say, finally, in regard to this person Noah that if he can give to the public a statement telling the essential differences between a pterodactyl and a double spondee that will not prove utterly33 absurd to an educated person, I will withdraw my accusation34 and resign from the club. BUT I KNOW WELL HE CANNOT DO IT, and he does too, and that is about the extent of his knowledge.
Now as to Jonah. I really dislike very much to tread upon this worthy's toes, and I should not do it had he not chosen to clap an injunction upon a volume of Tales of the Whales, which I wrote for children last summer, claiming that I was infringing35 upon his copyright, and feeling that I as a self-respecting man would never claim the discredit of having myself been the person he claims to have been. I will candidly36 confess that I am not proud of my achievements as Jonah. I was a very oily person even before I embarked37 upon the seas as Lord High Admiral of H.M.S. Leviathan. I was not a pleasant person to know. If I spent the night with a friend, his roof would fall in or his house would burn down. If I bet on a horse, he would lead up to the home-stretch and fall down dead an inch from the finish. If I went into a stock speculation38, I was invariably caught on a rising or a falling market. In my youth I spoiled every yachting-party I went on by attracting a gale39. When I came out the moon went behind a cloud, and people who began by endorsing40 my paper ended up in the poor-house. Commerce wouldn't have me. Boards of Trade everywhere repudiated41 me, and I gradually sank into that state of despair which finds no solace42 anywhere but on the sea or in politics, and as politics was then unknown I went to sea. The result is known to the world. I was cast overboard, ingulfed by a whale, which, in his defence let me be generous enough to say, swallowed me inadvertently and with the usual result. I came back, and life went on. Finally I came here, and when it got to the ears of the authorities that I was in Hades, they sent me back for the fourth time to earth in the person of William Shakespeare.
That is the whole of the Jonah story. It is a sad story, and I regret it; and I am sorry for the impostor when I reflect that the character he has assumed possesses attractions for him. His real life must have been a fearful thing if he is happy in his impersonation, and for his punishment let us leave him where he is. Having told the truth, I have done my duty. I cheerfully resign my claim to the personality he claims—I relinquish43 from this time on all right, title, and interest in the name; but if he ever dares to interfere44 with me again in the use of my personal recollections concerning the inside of whales I shall hale him before the authorities.
And now, finally, I come to Shakespeare, whom I have kept for the last, not because he was the last chronologically45, but because I like to work up to a climax46.
Previous to my existence as Baron Munchausen I lived for a term of years on earth as William Shakespeare, and what I have to say now is more in the line of confession47 than otherwise.
In my boyhood I was wild and I poached. If I were not afraid of having it set down as a joke, I should say that I poached everything from eggs to deer. I was not a great joy to my parents. There was no deviltry in Stratford in which I did not take a leading part, and finally, for the good of Warwickshire, I was sent to London, where a person of my talents was more likely to find congenial and appreciative48 surroundings. A glance at such of my autographs as are now extant will demonstrate the fact that I never learned to write; a glance at the first folios of the plays attributed to me will likewise show that I never learned to spell; and yet I walked into London with one of the most exquisite49 poems in the English language in my pocket. I am still filled with merriment over it. How was it, the critics of the years since have asked—how was it that this untutored little savage50 from leafy Warwickshire, with no training and little education, came into London with “Venus and Adonis” in manuscript in his pocket? It is quite evident that the critic fraternity have no Sherlock Holmes in their midst. It would not take much of an eye, a true detective's eye, to see the milk in that cocoanut, for it is but a simple tale after all. The way of it was this: On my way from Stratford to London I walked through Coventry, and I remained in Coventry overnight. I was ill-clad and hungry, and, having no money with which to pay for my supper, I went to the Royal Arms Hotel and offered my services as porter for the night, having noted51 that a rich cavalcade52 from London, en route to Kenilworth, had arrived unexpectedly at the Royal Arms. Taken by surprise, and, therefore, unprepared to accommodate so many guests, the landlord was glad to avail himself of my services, and I was assigned to the position of boots. Among others whom I served was Walter Raleigh, who, noting my ragged53 condition and hearing what a roisterer and roustabout I had been, immediately took pity upon me, and gave me a plum-colored court-suit with which he was through, and which I accepted, put upon my back, and next day wore off to London. It was in the pocket of this that I found the poem of “Venus and Adonis.” That poem, to keep myself from starving, I published when I reached London, sending a complimentary54 copy of course to my benefactor55. When Raleigh saw it he was naturally surprised but gratified, and on his return to London he sought me out, and suggested the publication of his sonnets56. I was the first man he'd met, he said, who was willing to publish his stuff on his own responsibility. I immediately put out some of the sonnets, and in time was making a comfortable living, publishing the anonymous57 works of most of the young bucks58 about town, who paid well for my imprint59. That the public chose to think the works were mine was none of my fault. I never claimed them, and the line on the title-page, “By William Shakespeare,” had reference to the publisher only, and not, as many have chosen to believe, to the author. Thus were published Lord Bacon's “Hamlet,” Raleigh's poems, several plays of Messrs. Beaumont and Fletcher—who were themselves among the cleverest adapters of the times—and the rest of that glorious monument to human credulity and memorial to an impossible, wholly apocryphal60 genius, known as the works of William Shakespeare. The extent of my writing during this incarnation was ten autographs for collectors, and one attempt at a comic opera called “A Midsummer's Nightmare,” which was never produced, because no one would write the music for it, and which was ultimately destroyed with three of my quatrains and all of Bacon's evidence against my authorship of “Hamlet,” in the fire at the Globe Theatre in the year 1613.
These, then, dear reader, are the revelations which I have to make. In my next incarnation I was the man I am now known to be, Baron Munchausen. As I have said, I make the exposure with regret, but the arrogance61 of these impudent62 impersonators of my various personalities63 has grown too great to be longer borne. I lay the simple story of their villany before you for what it is worth. I have done my duty. If after this exposure the public of Hades choose to receive them in their homes and at their clubs, and as guests at their functions, they will do it with a full knowledge of their duplicity.
In conclusion, fearing lest there be some doubters among the readers of this paper, I have allowed my friend, the editor of this esteemed64 journal, which is to publish this story exclusively on Sunday next, free access to my archives, and he has selected as exhibits of evidence, to which I earnestly call your attention, the originals of the cuts which illustrate65 this chapter—viz:
I. A full-length portrait of Eve as she appeared at our first meeting.
II. Portraits of Cain and Abel at the ages of two, five, and seven.
III. The original plans and specifications66 of the Ark.
IV. Facsimile of her commission.
V. Portrait-sketch of myself and the false Noah, made at the time, and showing how difficult it would have been for any member of my family, save myself, to tell us apart.
VI. A cathode-ray photograph of the whale, showing myself, the original Jonah, seated inside.
VII. Facsimiles of the Shakespeare autographs, proving that he knew neither how to write nor to spell, and so of course proving effectually that I was not the author of his works.
It must be confessed that I read this article of Munchausen's with amazement67, and I awaited with much excited curiosity the coming again of the manipulator of my type-writing machine. Surely a revelation of this nature should create a sensation in Hades, and I was anxious to learn how it was received. Boswell did not materialize, however, and for five nights I fairly raged with the fever of curiosity, but on the sixth night the familiar tinkle68 of the bell announced an arrival, and I flew to the machine and breathlessly cried:
“Hullo, old chap, how did it come out?”
The reply was as great a surprise as I have yet had, for it was not Boswell, Jim Boswell, who answered my question.
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1
hesitation
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| n.犹豫，踌躇 | |
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delightful
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| adj.令人高兴的，使人快乐的 | |
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participation
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| n.参与，参加，分享 | |
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improperly
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| 不正确地，不适当地 | |
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discredit
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| vt.使不可置信；n.丧失信义；不信，怀疑 | |
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motive
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| n.动机，目的；adv.发动的，运动的 | |
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promulgation
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| n.颁布 | |
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memoir
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| n.[pl.]回忆录，自传；记事录 | |
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memoirs
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| n.回忆录；回忆录传( mem,自oir的名词复数) | |
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baron
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| n.男爵；(商业界等)巨头，大王 | |
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obnoxious
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| adj.极恼人的，讨人厌的，可憎的 | |
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astounded
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| v.使震惊(astound的过去式和过去分词)；愕然；愕；惊讶 | |
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virtues
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| 美德( virtue的名词复数 )； 德行； 优点； 长处 | |
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deception
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| n.欺骗，欺诈；骗局，诡计 | |
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allude
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| v.提及，暗指 | |
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colossal
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| adj.异常的，庞大的 | |
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worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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inflicted
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| 把…强加给，使承受，遭受( inflict的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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poignant
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| adj.令人痛苦的，辛酸的，惨痛的 | |
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appendicitis
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| n.阑尾炎，盲肠炎 | |
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rib
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| n.肋骨，肋状物 | |
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antediluvian
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| adj.史前的，陈旧的 | |
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anthropological
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| adj.人类学的 | |
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blot
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| vt.弄脏（用吸墨纸）吸干；n.污点，污渍 | |
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primitive
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| adj.原始的；简单的；n.原(始)人，原始事物 | |
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eloquence
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| n.雄辩；口才，修辞 | |
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reticence
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| n.沉默，含蓄 | |
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prevarication
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| n.支吾；搪塞；说谎；有枝有叶 | |
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woe
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| n.悲哀，苦痛，不幸，困难；int.用来表达悲伤或惊慌 | |
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fictitious
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| adj.虚构的，假设的；空头的 | |
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memorable
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| adj.值得回忆的，难忘的，特别的，显著的 | |
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outrageous
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| adj.无理的，令人不能容忍的 | |
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utterly
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| adv.完全地，绝对地 | |
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accusation
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| n.控告，指责，谴责 | |
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infringing
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| v.违反（规章等）( infringe的现在分词 )；侵犯（某人的权利）；侵害（某人的自由、权益等） | |
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candidly
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| adv.坦率地，直率而诚恳地 | |
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embarked
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| 乘船( embark的过去式和过去分词 )； 装载； 从事 | |
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speculation
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| n.思索，沉思；猜测；投机 | |
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gale
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| n.大风，强风，一阵闹声（尤指笑声等） | |
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endorsing
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| v.赞同( endorse的现在分词 )；在（尤指支票的）背面签字；在（文件的）背面写评论；在广告上说本人使用并赞同某产品 | |
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repudiated
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| v.（正式地）否认( repudiate的过去式和过去分词 )；拒绝接受；拒绝与…往来；拒不履行（法律义务） | |
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solace
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| n.安慰；v.使快乐；vt.安慰(物)，缓和 | |
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relinquish
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| v.放弃，撤回，让与，放手 | |
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interfere
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| v.(in)干涉，干预；(with)妨碍，打扰 | |
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chronologically
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| ad. 按年代的 | |
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climax
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| n.顶点；高潮；v.(使)达到顶点 | |
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confession
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| n.自白，供认，承认 | |
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appreciative
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| adj.有鉴赏力的，有眼力的；感激的 | |
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exquisite
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| adj.精美的；敏锐的；剧烈的，感觉强烈的 | |
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savage
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| adj.野蛮的；凶恶的，残暴的；n.未开化的人 | |
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noted
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| adj.著名的，知名的 | |
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cavalcade
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| n.车队等的行列 | |
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ragged
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| adj.衣衫褴褛的，粗糙的，刺耳的 | |
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complimentary
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| adj.赠送的，免费的，赞美的，恭维的 | |
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benefactor
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| n. 恩人，行善的人，捐助人 | |
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sonnets
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| n.十四行诗( sonnet的名词复数 ) | |
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anonymous
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| adj.无名的；匿名的；无特色的 | |
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bucks
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| n.雄鹿( buck的名词复数 )；钱；（英国十九世纪初的）花花公子；（用于某些表达方式）责任v.（马等）猛然弓背跃起( buck的第三人称单数 )；抵制；猛然震荡；马等尥起后蹄跳跃 | |
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imprint
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| n.印痕，痕迹；深刻的印象；vt.压印，牢记 | |
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apocryphal
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| adj.假冒的，虚假的 | |
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arrogance
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| n.傲慢，自大 | |
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impudent
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| adj.鲁莽的，卑鄙的，厚颜无耻的 | |
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personalities
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| n. 诽谤，（对某人容貌、性格等所进行的）人身攻击； 人身攻击；人格, 个性, 名人( personality的名词复数 ) | |
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64
esteemed
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| adj.受人尊敬的v.尊敬( esteem的过去式和过去分词 )；敬重；认为；以为 | |
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illustrate
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| v.举例说明，阐明；图解，加插图 | |
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specifications
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| n.规格；载明；详述；（产品等的）说明书；说明书( specification的名词复数 )；详细的计划书；载明；详述 | |
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67
amazement
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| n.惊奇，惊讶 | |
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68
tinkle
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| vi.叮当作响；n.叮当声 | |
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