It was in the natural order of things that, on the way backto the house, their talk should have turned to the future.
Anna was not eager to define it. She had an extraordinarysensitiveness to the impalpable elements of happiness, andas she walked at Darrow's side her imagination flew back andforth, spinning luminous1 webs of feeling between herself andthe scene about her. Every heightening of emotion producedfor her a new effusion of beauty in visible things, and withit the sense that such moments should be lingered over andabsorbed like some unrenewable miracle. She understoodDarrow's impatience2 to see their plans take shape. She knewit must be so, she would not have had it otherwise; but toreach a point where she could fix her mind on his appeal fordates and decisions was like trying to break her way throughthe silver tangle3 of an April wood.
Darrow wished to use his diplomatic opportunities as a meansof studying certain economic and social problems with whichhe presently hoped to deal in print; and with this in viewhe had asked for, and obtained, a South Americanappointment. Anna was ready to follow where he led, and notreluctant to put new sights as well as new thoughts betweenherself and her past. She had, in a direct way, only Effieand Effie's education to consider; and there seemed, afterdue reflection, no reason why the most anxious regard forthese should not be conciliated with the demands of Darrow'scareer. Effie, it was evident, could be left to Madame deChantelle's care till the couple should have organized theirlife; and she might even, as long as her future step-father's work retained him in distant posts, continue todivide her year between Givre and the antipodes.
As for Owen, who had reached his legal majority two yearsbefore, and was soon to attain4 the age fixed5 for the takingover of his paternal6 inheritance, the arrival of this datewould reduce his step-mother's responsibility to a friendlyconcern for his welfare. This made for the promptrealization of Darrow's wishes, and there seemed no reasonwhy the marriage should not take place within the six weeksthat remained of his leave.
They passed out of the wood-walk into the open brightness ofthe garden. The noon sunlight sheeted with gold the bronzeflanks of the polygonal7 yews8. Chrysanthemums9, russet,saffron and orange, glowed like the efflorescence of anenchanted forest; belts of red begonia purpling to wine-colour ran like smouldering flame among the borders; andabove this outspread tapestry10 the house extended itsharmonious length, the soberness of its lines softened11 tograce in the luminous misty12 air.
Darrow stood still, and Anna felt that his glance wastravelling from her to the scene about them and then back toher face.
"You're sure you're prepared to give up Givre? You look somade for each other!""Oh, Givre----" She broke off suddenly, feeling as if hertoo careless tone had delivered all her past into his hands;and with one of her instinctive13 movements of recoil14 sheadded: "When Owen marries I shall have to give it up.""When Owen marries? That's looking some distance ahead! Iwant to be told that meanwhile you'll have no regrets."She hesitated. Why did he press her to uncover to him herpoor starved past? A vague feeling of loyalty15, a desire tospare what could no longer harm her, made her answerevasively: "There will probably be no 'meanwhile.' Owen maymarry before long."She had not meant to touch on the subject, for her step-sonhad sworn her to provisional secrecy16; but since theshortness of Darrow's leave necessitated17 a prompt adjustmentof their own plans, it was, after all, inevitable18 that sheshould give him at least a hint of Owen's.
"Owen marry? Why, he always seems like a faun in flannels19! Ihope he's found a dryad. There might easily be one left inthese blue-and-gold woods.""I can't tell you yet where he found his dryad, but sheIS one, I believe: at any rate she'll become the Givrewoods better than I do. Only there may be difficulties----""Well! At that age they're not always to be wished away."She hesitated. "Owen, at any rate, has made up his mind toovercome them; and I've promised to see him through."She went on, after a moment's consideration, to explain thather step-son's choice was, for various reasons, not likelyto commend itself to his grandmother. "She must be preparedfor it, and I've promised to do the preparing. You know Ialways HAVE seen him through things, and he rathercounts on me now."She fancied that Darrow's exclamation20 had in it a faint noteof annoyance21, and wondered if he again suspected her ofseeking a pretext22 for postponement23.
"But once Owen's future is settled, you won't, surely, forthe sake of what you call seeing him through, ask that Ishould go away again without you?" He drew her closer asthey walked. "Owen will understand, if you don't. Sincehe's in the same case himself I'll throw myself on hismercy. He'll see that I have the first claim on you; hewon't even want you not to see it.""Owen sees everything: I'm not afraid of that. But hisfuture isn't settled. He's very young to marry--too young,his grandmother is sure to think--and the marriage he wantsto make is not likely to convince her to the contrary.""You don't mean that it's like his first choice?""Oh, no! But it's not what Madame de Chantelle would call agood match; it's not even what I call a wise one.""Yet you're backing him up?""Yet I'm backing him up." She paused. "I wonder if you'llunderstand? What I've most wanted for him, and shall wantfor Effie, is that they shall always feel free to make theirown mistakes, and never, if possible, be persuaded to makeother people's. Even if Owen's marriage is a mistake, andhas to be paid for, I believe he'll learn and grow in thepaying. Of course I can't make Madame de Chantelle seethis; but I can remind her that, with his character--his bigrushes of impulse, his odd intervals24 of ebb25 and apathy--shemay drive him into some worse blunder if she thwarts26 himnow.""And you mean to break the news to her as soon as she comesback from Ouchy?""As soon as I see my way to it. She knows the girl andlikes her: that's our hope. And yet it may, in the end,prove our danger, make it harder for us all, when she learnsthe truth, than if Owen had chosen a stranger. I can't tellyou more till I've told her: I've promised Owen not to tellany one. All I ask you is to give me time, to give me a fewdays at any rate She's been wonderfully 'nice,' as she wouldcall it, about you, and about the fact of my having soon toleave Givre; but that, again, may make it harder for Owen.
At any rate, you can see, can't you, how it makes me want tostand by him? You see, I couldn't bear it if the leastfraction of my happiness seemed to be stolen from his--as ifit were a little scrap27 of happiness that had to be piecedout with other people's!" She clasped her hands on Darrow'sarm. "I want our life to be like a house with all thewindows lit: I'd like to string lanterns from the roof andchimneys!"She ended with an inward tremor28. All through her expositionand her appeal she had told herself that the moment couldhardly have been less well chosen. In Darrow's place shewould have felt, as he doubtless did, that her carefullydeveloped argument was only the disguise of an habitualindecision. It was the hour of all others when she wouldhave liked to affirm herself by brushing aside everyobstacle to his wishes; yet it was only by opposing themthat she could show the strength of character she wanted himto feel in her.
But as she talked she began to see that Darrow's face gaveback no reflection of her words, that he continued to wearthe abstracted look of a man who is not listening to what issaid to him. It caused her a slight pang29 to discover thathis thoughts could wander at such a moment; then, with aflush of joy she perceived the reason.
In some undefinable way she had become aware, withoutturning her head, that he was steeped in the sense of hernearness, absorbed in contemplating30 the details of her faceand dress; and the discovery made the words throng31 to herlips. She felt herself speak with ease, authority,conviction. She said to herself: "He doesn't care what Isay--it's enough that I say it--even if it's stupid he'lllike me better for it..." She knew that every inflexion ofher voice, every gesture, every characteristic of herperson--its very defects, the fact that her forehead was toohigh, that her eyes were not large enough, that her hands,though slender, were not small, and that the fingers did nottaper--she knew that these deficiencies were so manychannels through which her influence streamed to him; thatshe pleased him in spite of them, perhaps because of them;that he wanted her as she was, and not as she would haveliked to be; and for the first time she felt in her veinsthe security and lightness of happy love.
They reached the court and walked under the limes toward thehouse. The hall door stood wide, and through the windowsopening on the terrace the sun slanted33 across the black andwhite floor, the faded tapestry chairs, and Darrow'stravelling coat and cap, which lay among the cloaks and rugspiled on a bench against the wall.
The sight of these garments, lying among her own wraps, gaveher a sense of homely34 intimacy35. It was as if her happinesscame down from the skies and took on the plain dress ofdaily things. At last she seemed to hold it in her hand.
As they entered the hall her eye lit on an unstamped noteconspicuously placed on the table.
"From Owen! He must have rushed off somewhere in the motor."She felt a secret stir of pleasure at the immediateinference that she and Darrow would probably lunch alone.
Then she opened the note and stared at it in wonder.
"Dear," Owen wrote, "after what you said yesterday I can'twait another hour, and I'm off to Francheuil, to catch theDijon express and travel back with them. Don't befrightened; I won't speak unless it's safe to. Trust me forthat--but I had to go."She looked up slowly.
"He's gone to Dijon to meet his grandmother. Oh, I hope Ihaven't made a mistake!""You? Why, what have you to do with his going to Dijon?"She hesitated. "The day before yesterday I told him, forthe first time, that I meant to see him through, no matterwhat happened. And I'm afraid he's lost his head, and willbe imprudent and spoil things. You see, I hadn't meant tosay a word to him till I'd had time to prepare Madame deChantelle."She felt that Darrow was looking at her and reading herthoughts, and the colour flew to her face. "Yes: it waswhen I heard you were coming that I told him. I wanted himto feel as I felt...it seemed too unkind to make him wait!"Her hand was in his, and his arm rested for a moment on hershoulder.
"It WOULD have been too unkind to make him wait."They moved side by side toward the stairs. Through the hazeof bliss36 enveloping37 her, Owen's affairs seemed curiouslyunimportant and remote. Nothing really mattered but thistorrent of light in her veins32. She put her foot on thelowest step, saying: "It's nearly luncheon38 time--I must takeoff my hat..." and as she started up the stairs Darrow stoodbelow in the hall and watched her. But the distance betweenthem did not make him seem less near: it was as if histhoughts moved with her and touched her like endearinghands.
In her bedroom she shut the door and stood still, lookingabout her in a fit of dreamy wonder. Her feelings wereunlike any she had ever known: richer, deeper, morecomplete. For the first time everything in her, from headto foot, seemed to be feeding the same full current ofsensation.
She took off her hat and went to the dressing-table tosmooth her hair. The pressure of the hat had flattened39 thedark strands40 on her forehead; her face was paler than usual,with shadows about the eyes. She felt a pang of regret forthe wasted years. "If I look like this today," she said toherself, "what will he think of me when I'm ill or worried?"She began to run her fingers through her hair, rejoicing inits thickness; then she desisted and sat still, resting herchin on her hands.
"I want him to see me as I am," she thought.
Deeper than the deepest fibre of her vanity was thetriumphant sense that AS SHE WAS, with her flattenedhair, her tired pallor, her thin sleeves a little tumbled bythe weight of her jacket, he would like her even better,feel her nearer, dearer, more desirable, than in all thesplendours she might put on for him. In the light of thisdiscovery she studied her face with a new intentness, seeingits defects as she had never seen them, yet seeing themthrough a kind of radiance, as though love were a luminousmedium into which she had been bodily plunged41.
She was glad now that she had confessed her doubts and herjealousy. She divined that a man in love may be flatteredby such involuntary betrayals, that there are moments whenrespect for his liberty appeals to him less than theinability to respect it: moments so propitious42 that awoman's very mistakes and indiscretions may help toestablish her dominion43. The sense of power she had beenaware of in talking to Darrow came back with ten-fold force.
She felt like testing him by the most fantastic exactions,and at the same moment she longed to humble44 herself beforehim, to make herself the shadow and echo of his mood. Shewanted to linger with him in a world of fancy and yet towalk at his side in the world of fact. She wanted him tofeel her power and yet to love her for her ignorance andhumility. She felt like a slave, and a goddess, and a girlin her teens...
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luminous
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| adj.发光的，发亮的；光明的；明白易懂的；有启发的 | |
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impatience
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| n.不耐烦，急躁 | |
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tangle
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| n.纠缠；缠结；混乱；v.(使)缠绕；变乱 | |
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attain
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| vt.达到，获得，完成 | |
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fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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paternal
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| adj.父亲的，像父亲的，父系的，父方的 | |
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polygonal
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| adj.多角形的，多边形的 | |
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yews
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| n.紫杉( yew的名词复数 ) | |
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chrysanthemums
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| n.菊花( chrysanthemum的名词复数 ) | |
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tapestry
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| n.挂毯，丰富多采的画面 | |
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softened
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| （使）变软( soften的过去式和过去分词 )； 缓解打击； 缓和； 安慰 | |
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misty
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| adj.雾蒙蒙的，有雾的 | |
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instinctive
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| adj.(出于)本能的；直觉的；(出于)天性的 | |
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recoil
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| vi.退却，退缩，畏缩 | |
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loyalty
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| n.忠诚，忠心 | |
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secrecy
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| n.秘密，保密，隐蔽 | |
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necessitated
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| 使…成为必要，需要( necessitate的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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inevitable
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| adj.不可避免的，必然发生的 | |
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flannels
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| 法兰绒男裤； 法兰绒( flannel的名词复数 ) | |
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exclamation
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| n.感叹号，惊呼，惊叹词 | |
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annoyance
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| n.恼怒，生气，烦恼 | |
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pretext
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| n.借口，托词 | |
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postponement
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| n.推迟 | |
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intervals
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| n.[军事]间隔( interval的名词复数 )；间隔时间；[数学]区间；（戏剧、电影或音乐会的）幕间休息 | |
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ebb
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| vi.衰退，减退；n.处于低潮，处于衰退状态 | |
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thwarts
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| 阻挠( thwart的第三人称单数 )； 使受挫折； 挫败； 横过 | |
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scrap
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| n.碎片；废料；v.废弃，报废 | |
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tremor
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| n.震动，颤动，战栗，兴奋，地震 | |
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pang
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| n.剧痛，悲痛，苦闷 | |
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contemplating
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| 深思，细想，仔细考虑( contemplate的现在分词 )； 注视，凝视； 考虑接受（发生某事的可能性）； 深思熟虑，沉思，苦思冥想 | |
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throng
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| n.人群，群众；v.拥挤，群集 | |
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veins
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| n.纹理；矿脉( vein的名词复数 )；静脉；叶脉；纹理 | |
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slanted
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| 有偏见的； 倾斜的 | |
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homely
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| adj.家常的，简朴的；不漂亮的 | |
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intimacy
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| n.熟悉，亲密，密切关系，亲昵的言行 | |
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bliss
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| n.狂喜，福佑，天赐的福 | |
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enveloping
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| v.包围，笼罩，包住( envelop的现在分词 ) | |
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luncheon
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| n.午宴，午餐，便宴 | |
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flattened
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| [医]（水）平扁的，弄平的 | |
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strands
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| n.（线、绳、金属线、毛发等的）股( strand的名词复数 )；缕；海洋、湖或河的)岸；（观点、计划、故事等的）部份v.使滞留，使搁浅( strand的第三人称单数 ) | |
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plunged
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| v.颠簸( plunge的过去式和过去分词 )；暴跌；骤降；突降 | |
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propitious
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| adj.吉利的；顺利的 | |
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dominion
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| n.统治，管辖，支配权；领土，版图 | |
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humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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