Anna drove to the chemist's for Owen's remedy. On the wayshe stopped her cab at a book-shop, and emerged from itladen with literature. She knew what would interest Owen,and what he was likely to have read, and she had made herchoice among the newest publications with the promptness ofa discriminating1 reader. But on the way back to the hotelshe was overcome by the irony2 of adding this mental panaceato the other. There was something grotesque3 and almostmocking in the idea of offering a judicious4 selection ofliterature to a man setting out on such a journey. "Heknows...he knows..." she kept on repeating; and giving theporter the parcel from the chemist's she drove away withoutleaving the books.
She went to her apartment, whither her maid had precededher. There was a fire in the drawing-room and the tea-tablestood ready by the hearth5. The stormy rain beat against theuncurtained windows, and she thought of Owen, who would soonbe driving through it to the station, alone with his bitterthoughts. She had been proud of the fact that he had alwayssought her help in difficult hours; and now, in the mostdifficult of all, she was the one being to whom he could notturn. Between them, henceforth, there would always be thewall of an insurmountable silence...She strained her achingthoughts to guess how the truth had come to him. Had he seenthe girl, and had she told him? Instinctively6, Anna rejectedthis conjecture7. But what need was there of assuming anexplicit statement, when every breath they had drawn8 for thelast weeks had been charged with the immanent secret? As shelooked back over the days since Darrow's first arrival atGivre she perceived that at no time had any one deliberatelyspoken, or anything been accidentally disclosed. The truthhad come to light by the force of its irresistible9 pressure;and the perception gave her a startled sense of hiddenpowers, of a chaos10 of attractions and repulsions far beneaththe ordered surfaces of intercourse11. She looked back withmelancholy derision on her old conception of life, as a kindof well-lit and well policed suburb to dark places one neednever know about. Here they were, these dark places, in herown bosom12, and henceforth she would always have to traversethem to reach the beings she loved best!
She was still sitting beside the untouched tea-table whenshe heard Darrow's voice in the hall. She started up,saying to herself: "I must tell him that Owen knows..." butwhen the door opened and she saw his face, still lit by thesame smile of boyish triumph, she felt anew the uselessnessof speaking...Had he ever supposed that Owen would not know?
Probably, from the height of his greater experience, he hadseen long since that all that happened was inevitable13; andthe thought of it, at any rate, was clearly not weighing onhim now.
He was already dressed for the evening, and as he cametoward her he said: "The Ambassador's booked for an officialdinner and I'm free after all. Where shall we dine?"Anna had pictured herself sitting alone all the evening withher wretched thoughts, and the fact of having to put themout of her mind for the next few hours gave her an immediatesensation of relief. Already her pulses were dancing to thetune of Darrow's, and as they smiled at each other shethought: "Nothing can ever change the fact that I belong tohim.""Where shall we dine?" he repeated gaily14, and she named awell-known restaurant for which she had once heard himexpress a preference. But as she did so she fancied she sawa shadow on his face, and instantly she said to herself: "Itwas THERE he went with her!""Oh, no, not there, after all!" she interrupted herself; andnow she was sure his colour deepened.
"Where shall it be, then?"She noticed that he did not ask the reason of her change,and this convinced her that she had guessed the truth, andthat he knew she had guessed it. "He will always know whatI am thinking, and he will never dare to ask me," shethought; and she saw between them the same insurmountablewall of silence as between herself and Owen, a wall of glassthrough which they could watch each other's faintest motionsbut which no sound could ever traverse...
They drove to a restaurant on the Boulevard, and there, intheir intimate corner of the serried15 scene, the sense ofwhat was unspoken between them gradually ceased to oppressher. He looked so light-hearted and handsome, soingenuously proud of her, so openly happy at being with her,that no other fact could seem real in his presence. He hadlearned that the Ambassador was to spend two days in Paris,and he had reason to hope that in consequence his owndeparture for London would be deferred16. He was exhilaratedby the prospect17 of being with Anna for a few hours longer,and she did not ask herself if his exhilaration were a signof insensibility, for she was too conscious of his power ofswaying her moods not to be secretly proud of affecting his.
They lingered for some time over the fruit and coffee, andwhen they rose to go Darrow suggested that, if she feltdisposed for the play, they were not too late for the secondpart of the programme at one of the smaller theatres.
His mention of the hour recalled Owen to her thoughts. Shesaw his train rushing southward through the storm, and, in acorner of the swaying compartment18, his face, white andindistinct as it had loomed19 on her in the rainy twilight20.
It was horrible to be thus perpetually paying for herhappiness!
Darrow had called for a theatrical21 journal, and he presentlylooked up from it to say: "I hear the second play at theAthenee is amusing."It was on Anna's lips to acquiesce22; but as she was about tospeak she wondered if it were not at the Athenee that Owenhad seen Darrow with Sophy Viner. She was not sure he hadeven mentioned the theatre, but the mere23 possibility wasenough to darken her sky. It was hateful to her to think ofaccompanying Darrow to places where the girl had been withhim. She tried to reason away this scruple24, she evenreminded herself with a bitter irony that whenever she wasin Darrow's arms she was where the girl had been before her--but she could not shake off her superstitious25 dread26 ofbeing with him in any of the scenes of the Parisian episode.
She replied that she was too tired for the play, and theydrove back to her apartment. At the foot of the stairs shehalf-turned to wish him good night, but he appeared not tonotice her gesture and followed her up to her door.
"This is ever so much better than the theatre," he said asthey entered the drawing-room.
She had crossed the room and was bending over the hearth tolight the fire. She knew he was approaching her, and thatin a moment he would have drawn the cloak from her shouldersand laid his lips on her neck, just below the gathered-uphair. These privileges were his and, however deferently andtenderly he claimed them, the joyous27 ease of his mannermarked a difference and proclaimed a right.
"After the theatre they came home like this," she thought;and at the same instant she felt his hands on her shouldersand shrank back.
"Don't--oh, don't!" she cried, drawing her cloak about her.
She saw from his astonished stare that her face must bequivering with pain.
"Anna! What on earth is the matter?""Owen knows!" she broke out, with a confused desire tojustify herself.
Darrow's countenance28 changed. "Did he tell you so? What didhe say?""Nothing! I knew it from the things he didn't say.""You had a talk with him this afternoon?""Yes: for a few minutes. I could see he didn't want me tostay."She had dropped into a chair, and sat there huddled29, stillholding her cloak about her shoulders.
Darrow did not dispute her assumption, and she noticed thathe expressed no surprise. He sat down at a little distancefrom her, turning about in his fingers the cigar-case he haddrawn out as they came in. At length he said: "Had he seenMiss Viner?"She shrank from the sound of the name. "No...I don't thinkso...I'm sure he hadn't..."They remained silent, looking away from one another. FinallyDarrow stood up and took a few steps across the room. Hecame back and paused before her, his eyes on her face.
"I think you ought to tell me what you mean to do."She raised her head and gave him back his look. "Nothing Ido can help Owen!""No; but things can't go on like this." He paused, as if tomeasure his words. "I fill you with aversion," heexclaimed.
She started up, half-sobbing. "No--oh, no!""Poor child--you can't see your face!"She lifted her hands as if to hide it, and turning away fromhim bowed her head upon the mantel-shelf. She felt that hewas standing30 a little way behind her, but he made no attemptto touch her or come nearer.
"I know you've felt as I've felt," he said in a low voice--"that we belong to each other and that nothing can alterthat. But other thoughts come, and you can't banish31 them.
Whenever you see me you remember...you associate me withthings you abhor32...You've been generous--immeasurably.
You've given me all the chances a woman could; but if it'sonly made you suffer, what's the use?"She turned to him with a tear-stained face. "It hasn't onlydone that.""Oh, no! I know...There've been moments..." He took her handand raised it to his lips. "They'll be with me as long as Ilive. But I can't see you paying such a price for them.
I'm not worth what I'm costing you."She continued to gaze at him through tear-dilated eyes; andsuddenly she flung out the question: "Wasn't it the Atheneeyou took her to that evening?""Anna--Anna!""Yes; I want to know now: to know everything. Perhaps thatwill make me forget. I ought to have made you tell mebefore. Wherever we go, I imagine you've been there withher...I see you together. I want to know how it began,where you went, why you left her...I can't go on in thisdarkness any longer!"She did not know what had prompted her passionate33 outburst,but already she felt lighter34, freer, as if at last the evilspell were broken. "I want to know everything," sherepeated. "It's the only way to make me forget."After she had ceased speaking Darrow remained where he was,his arms folded, his eyes lowered, immovable. She waited,her gaze on his face.
"Aren't you going to tell me?""No."The blood rushed to her temples. "You won't? Why not?""If I did, do you suppose you'd forget THAT?""Oh--" she moaned, and turned away from him.
"You see it's impossible," he went on. "I've done a thing Iloathe, and to atone35 for it you ask me to do another. Whatsort of satisfaction would that give you? It would putsomething irremediable between us."She leaned her elbow against the mantel-shelf and hid herface in her hands. She had the sense that she was vainlythrowing away her last hope of happiness, yet she could donothing, think of nothing, to save it. The conjectureflashed through her: "Should I be at peace if I gave himup?" and she remembered the desolation of the days after shehad sent him away, and understood that that hope was vain.
The tears welled through her lids and ran slowly downbetween her fingers.
"Good-bye," she heard him say, and his footsteps turned tothe door.
She tried to raise her head, but the weight of her despairbowed it down. She said to herself: "This is the end...hewon't try to appeal to me again..." and she remained in asort of tranced rigidity36, perceiving without feeling thefateful lapse37 of the seconds. Then the cords that bound herseemed to snap, and she lifted her head and saw him going.
"Why, he's mine--he's mine! He's no one else's!" His facewas turned to her and the look in his eyes swept away allher terrors. She no longer understood what had prompted hersenseless outcry; and the mortal sweetness of loving himbecame again the one real fact in the world.
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discriminating
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| a.有辨别能力的 | |
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irony
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| n.反语，冷嘲；具有讽刺意味的事，嘲弄 | |
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grotesque
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| adj.怪诞的，丑陋的；n.怪诞的图案，怪人（物） | |
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judicious
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| adj.明智的，明断的，能作出明智决定的 | |
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hearth
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| n.壁炉炉床，壁炉地面 | |
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instinctively
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| adv.本能地 | |
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conjecture
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| n./v.推测，猜测 | |
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drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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irresistible
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| adj.非常诱人的，无法拒绝的，无法抗拒的 | |
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chaos
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| n.混乱，无秩序 | |
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intercourse
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| n.性交；交流，交往，交际 | |
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bosom
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| n.胸，胸部；胸怀；内心；adj.亲密的 | |
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inevitable
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| adj.不可避免的，必然发生的 | |
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gaily
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| adv.欢乐地，高兴地 | |
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serried
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| adj.拥挤的；密集的 | |
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deferred
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| adj.延期的，缓召的v.拖延，延缓，推迟( defer的过去式和过去分词 )；服从某人的意愿，遵从 | |
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prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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compartment
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| n.卧车包房，隔间；分隔的空间 | |
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loomed
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| v.隐约出现，阴森地逼近( loom的过去式和过去分词 )；隐约出现，阴森地逼近 | |
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twilight
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| n.暮光，黄昏；暮年，晚期，衰落时期 | |
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theatrical
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| adj.剧场的，演戏的；做戏似的，做作的 | |
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acquiesce
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| vi.默许，顺从，同意 | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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scruple
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| n./v.顾忌，迟疑 | |
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superstitious
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| adj.迷信的 | |
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dread
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| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
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joyous
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| adj.充满快乐的；令人高兴的 | |
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countenance
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| n.脸色，面容；面部表情；vt.支持，赞同 | |
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huddled
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| 挤在一起（huddle的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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banish
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| vt.放逐，驱逐；消除，排除 | |
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abhor
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| v.憎恶；痛恨 | |
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passionate
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| adj.热情的，热烈的，激昂的，易动情的，易怒的，性情暴躁的 | |
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lighter
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| n.打火机，点火器；驳船；v.用驳船运送；light的比较级 | |
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atone
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| v.赎罪，补偿 | |
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rigidity
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| adj.钢性，坚硬 | |
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lapse
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| n.过失，流逝，失效，抛弃信仰，间隔；vi.堕落，停止，失效，流逝；vt.使失效 | |
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