An epoch1 in my narrative2 has now arrived. Up to the time of my marriage, I have appeared as an active agent in the different events I have described. After that period, and — with one or two exceptional cases — throughout the whole year of my probation3, my position changed with the change in my life, and became a passive one.
During this interval4 year, certain events happened, some of which, at the time, excited my curiosity, but none my apprehension5 — some affected6 me with a temporary disappointment, but none with even a momentary7 suspicion. I can now look back on them, as so many timely warnings which I treated with fatal neglect. It is in these events that the history of the long year through which I waited to claim my wife as my own, is really comprised. They marked the lapse8 of time broadly and significantly; and to them I must now confine myself, as exclusively as may be, in the present portion of my narrative.
It will be first necessary, however, that I should describe what was the nature of my intercourse9 with Margaret, during the probationary10 period which followed our marriage.
Mr. Sherwin’s anxiety was to make my visits to North Villa11 as few as possible: he evidently feared the consequences of my seeing his daughter too often. But on this point, I was resolute12 enough in asserting my own interests, to overpower any resistance on his part. I required him to concede to me the right of seeing Margaret every day — leaving all arrangements of time to depend on his own convenience. After the due number of objections, he reluctantly acquiesced13 in my demand. I was bound by no engagement whatever, limiting the number of my visits to Margaret; and I let him see at the outset, that I was now ready in my turn, to impose conditions on him, as he had already imposed them on me.
Accordingly, it was settled that Margaret and I were to meet every day. I usually saw her in the evening. When any alteration14 in the hour of my visit took place, that alteration was produced by the necessity (which we all recognised alike) of avoiding a meeting with any of Mr. Sherwin’s friends.
Those portions of the day or the evening which I spent with Margaret, were seldom passed altogether in the Elysian idleness of love. Not content with only enumerating15 his daughter’s school-accomplishments to me at our first interview, Mr. Sherwin boastfully referred to them again and again, on many subsequent occasions; and even obliged Margaret to display before me, some of her knowledge of languages — which he never forgot to remind us had been lavishly16 paid for out of his own pocket. It was at one of these exhibitions that the idea occurred to me of making a new pleasure for myself out of Margaret’s society, by teaching her really to appreciate and enjoy the literature which she had evidently hitherto only studied as a task. My fancy revelled17 by anticipation18 in all the delights of such an employment as this. It would be like acting19 the story of Abelard and Heloise over again — reviving all the poetry and romance in which those immortal20 love-studies of old had begun, with none of the guilt21 and none of the misery22 that had darkened their end.
I had a definite purpose, besides, in wishing to assume the direction of Margaret’s studies. Whenever the secret of my marriage was revealed, my pride was concerned in being able to show my wife to every one, as the all-sufficient excuse for any imprudence I might have committed for her sake. I was determined23 that my father, especially, should have no other argument against her than the one ungracious argument of her birth — that he should see her, fitted by the beauty of her mind, as well as by all her other beauties, for the highest station that society could offer. The thought of this gave me fresh ardour in my project; I assumed my new duties without delay, and continued them with a happiness which never once suffered even a momentary decrease.
Of all the pleasures which a man finds in the society of a woman whom he loves, are there any superior, are there many equal, to the pleasure of reading out of the same book with her? On what other occasion do the sweet familiarities of the sweetest of all companionships last so long without cloying24, and pass and re-pass so naturally, so delicately, so inexhaustibly between you and her? When is your face so constantly close to hers as it is then?— when can your hair mingle25 with hers, your cheek touch hers, your eyes meet hers, so often as they can then? That is, of all times, the only time when you can breathe with her breath for hours together; feel every little warming of the colour on her cheek marking its own changes on the temperature of yours; follow every slight fluttering of her bosom26, every faint gradation of her sighs, as if her heart was beating, her life glowing, within yours. Surely it is then — if ever — that we realize, almost revive, in ourselves, the love of the first two of our race, when angels walked with them on the same garden paths, and their hearts were pure from the pollution of the fatal tree!
Evening after evening passed away — one more happily than another — in what Margaret and I called our lessons. Never were lessons of literature so like lessons of love We read oftenest the lighter27 Italian poets — we studied the poetry of love, written in the language of love. But, as for the steady, utilitarian28 purpose I had proposed to myself of practically improving Margaret’s intellect, that was a purpose which insensibly and deceitfully abandoned me as completely as if it had never existed. The little serious teaching I tried with her at first, led to very poor results. Perhaps, the lover interfered29 too much with the tutor; perhaps, I had over-estimated the fertility of the faculties30 I designed to cultivate — but I cared not, and thought not to inquire where the fault lay, then. I gave myself up unreservedly to the exquisite31 sensations which the mere32 act of looking on the same page with Margaret procured33 for me; and neither detected, nor wished to detect, that it was I who read the difficult passages, and left only a few even of the very easiest to be attempted by her.
Happily for my patience under the trial imposed on me by the terms on which Mr. Sherwin’s restrictions34, and my promise to obey them, obliged me to live with Margaret, it was Mrs. Sherwin who was generally selected to remain in the room with us. By no one could such ungrateful duties of supervision35 as those imposed on her, have been more delicately and more considerately performed.
She always kept far enough away to be out of hearing when we whispered to each other. We rarely detected her even in looking at us. She had a way of sitting for hours together in the same part of the room, without ever changing her position, without occupation of any kind, without uttering a word, or breathing a sigh. I soon discovered that she was not lost in thought, at these periods (as I had at first supposed): but lost in a strange lethargy of body and mind; a comfortless, waking trance, into which she fell from sheer physical weakness — it was like the vacancy36 and feebleness of a first convalescence37, after a long illness. She never changed: never looked better, never worse. I often spoke38 to her: I tried hard to show my sympathy, and win her confidence and friendship. The poor lady was always thankful, always spoke to me gratefully and kindly39, but very briefly40. She never told me what were her sufferings or her sorrows. The story of that lonely, lingering life was an impenetrable mystery for her own family — for her husband and her daughter, as well as for me. It was a secret between her and God.
With Mrs. Sherwin as the guardian41 to watch over Margaret, it may easily be imagined that I felt none of the heavier oppressions of restraint. Her presence, as the third person appointed to remain with us, was not enough to repress the little endearments42 to which each evening’s lesson gave rise; but was just sufficiently43 perceptible to invest them with the character of stolen endearments, and to make them all the more precious on that very account. Mrs. Sherwin never knew, I never thoroughly44 knew myself till later, how much of the secret of my patience under my year’s probation lay in her conduct, while she was sitting in the room with Margaret and me.
In this solitude45 where I now write — in the change of life and of all life’s hopes and enjoyments46 which has come over me — when I look back to those evenings at North Villa, I shudder47 as I look. At this moment, I see the room again — as in a dream — with the little round table, the reading lamp, and the open books. Margaret and I are sitting together: her hand is in mine; my heart is with hers. Love, and Youth, and Beauty — the mortal Trinity of this world’s worship — are there, in that quiet softly-lit room; but not alone. Away in the dim light behind, is a solitary48 figure, ever mournful and ever still. It is a woman’s form; but how wasted and how weak!— a woman’s face; but how ghastly and changeless, with those eyes that are vacant, those lips that are motionless, those cheeks that the blood never tinges49, that the freshness of health and happiness shall never visit again! Woeful, warning figure of dumb sorrow and patient pain, to fill the background of a picture of Love, and Beauty, and Youth!
I am straying from my task. Let me return to my narrative: its course begins to darken before me apace, while I now write.
The partial restraint and embarrassment50, caused at first by the strange terms on which my wife and I were living together, gradually vanished before the frequency of my visits to North Villa. We soon began to speak with all the ease, all the unpremeditated frankness of a long intimacy51. Margaret’s powers of conversation were generally only employed to lead me to exert mine. She was never tired of inducing me to speak of my family. She listened with every appearance of interest, while I talked of my father, my sister, or my elder brother; but whenever she questioned me directly about any of them, her inquiries52 invariably led away from their characters and dispositions54, to their personal appearance, their every-day habits, their dress, their intercourse with the gay world, the things they spent their money on, and other topics of a similar nature.
For instance; she always listened, and listened attentively55, to what I told her of my father’s character, and of the principles which regulated his life. She showed every disposition53 to profit by the instructions I gave her beforehand, about how she should treat his peculiarities56 when she was introduced to him. But, on all these occasions, what really interested her most, was to hear how many servants waited on him; how often he went to Court; how many lords and ladies he knew; what he said or did to his servants, when they committed mistakes; whether he was ever angry with his children for asking him for money; and whether he limited my sister to any given number of dresses in the course of the year?
Again; whenever our conversation turned on Clara, if I began by describing her kindness, her gentleness and goodness, her simple winning manners — I was sure to be led insensibly into a digression about her height, figure, complexion57, and style of dress. The latter subject especially interested Margaret; she could question me on it, over and over again. What was Clara’s usual morning dress? How did she wear her hair? What was her evening dress? Did she make a difference between a dinner party and a ball? What colours did she prefer? What dressmaker did she employ? Did she wear much jewellery? Which did she like best in her hair, and which were most fashionable, flowers or pearls? How many new dresses did she have in a year; and was there more than one maid especially to attend on her?
Then, again: Had she a carriage of her own? What ladies took care of her when she went out? Did she like dancing? What were the fashionable dances at noblemen’s houses? Did young ladies in the great world practise the pianoforte much? How many offers had my sister had? Did she go to Court, as well as my father? What did she talk about to gentlemen, and what did gentlemen talk about to her? If she were speaking to a duke, how often would she say “your Grace” to him? and would a duke get her a chair, or an ice, and wait on her just as gentlemen without titles waited on ladies, when they met them in society?
My replies to these and hundreds of other questions like them, were received by Margaret with the most eager attention. On the favourite subject of Clara’s dresses, my answers were an unending source of amusement and pleasure to her. She especially enjoyed overcoming the difficulties of interpreting aright my clumsy, circumlocutory58 phrases in attempting to describe shawls, gowns, and bonnets59; and taught me the exact millinery language which I ought to have made use of with an arch expression of triumph and a burlesque60 earnestness of manner, that always enchanted61 me. At that time, every word she uttered, no matter how frivolous62, was the sweetest of all music to my ears. It was only by the stern test of after-events that I learnt to analyse her conversation. Sometimes, when I was away from her, I might think of leading her girlish curiosity to higher things; but when we met again, the thought vanished; and it became delight enough for me simply to hear her speak, without once caring or considering what she spoke of.
Those were the days when I lived happy and unreflecting in the broad sunshine of joy which love showered round me — my eyes were dazzled; my mind lay asleep under it. Once or twice, a cloud came threatening, with chill and shadowy influence; but it passed away, and then the sunshine returned to me, the same sunshine that it was before.
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1
epoch
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| n.(新)时代；历元 | |
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narrative
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| n.叙述，故事；adj.叙事的，故事体的 | |
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probation
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| n.缓刑(期)，(以观后效的)察看；试用(期) | |
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interval
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| n.间隔，间距；幕间休息，中场休息 | |
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apprehension
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| n.理解，领悟；逮捕，拘捕；忧虑 | |
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affected
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| adj.不自然的，假装的 | |
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momentary
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| adj.片刻的，瞬息的；短暂的 | |
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lapse
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| n.过失，流逝，失效，抛弃信仰，间隔；vi.堕落，停止，失效，流逝；vt.使失效 | |
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intercourse
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| n.性交；交流，交往，交际 | |
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probationary
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| 试用的，缓刑的 | |
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villa
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| n.别墅，城郊小屋 | |
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resolute
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| adj.坚决的，果敢的 | |
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acquiesced
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| v.默认，默许( acquiesce的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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alteration
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| n.变更，改变；蚀变 | |
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enumerating
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| v.列举，枚举，数( enumerate的现在分词 ) | |
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lavishly
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| adv.慷慨地，大方地 | |
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revelled
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| v.作乐( revel的过去式和过去分词 )；狂欢；着迷；陶醉 | |
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anticipation
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| n.预期，预料，期望 | |
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acting
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| n.演戏，行为，假装；adj.代理的，临时的，演出用的 | |
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immortal
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| adj.不朽的；永生的，不死的；神的 | |
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guilt
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| n.犯罪；内疚；过失，罪责 | |
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misery
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| n.痛苦，苦恼，苦难；悲惨的境遇，贫苦 | |
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determined
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| adj.坚定的；有决心的 | |
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cloying
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| adj.甜得发腻的 | |
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mingle
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| vt.使混合，使相混；vi.混合起来；相交往 | |
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bosom
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| n.胸，胸部；胸怀；内心；adj.亲密的 | |
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lighter
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| n.打火机，点火器；驳船；v.用驳船运送；light的比较级 | |
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utilitarian
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| adj.实用的，功利的 | |
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interfered
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| v.干预( interfere的过去式和过去分词 )；调停；妨碍；干涉 | |
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faculties
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| n.能力( faculty的名词复数 )；全体教职员；技巧；院 | |
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exquisite
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| adj.精美的；敏锐的；剧烈的，感觉强烈的 | |
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mere
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| adj.纯粹的；仅仅，只不过 | |
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procured
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| v.（努力）取得， （设法）获得( procure的过去式和过去分词 )；拉皮条 | |
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restrictions
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| 约束( restriction的名词复数 )； 管制； 制约因素； 带限制性的条件（或规则） | |
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supervision
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| n.监督，管理 | |
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vacancy
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| n.（旅馆的）空位，空房，（职务的）空缺 | |
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convalescence
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| n.病后康复期 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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kindly
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| adj.和蔼的，温和的，爽快的；adv.温和地，亲切地 | |
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briefly
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| adv.简单地，简短地 | |
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guardian
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| n.监护人；守卫者，保护者 | |
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endearments
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| n.表示爱慕的话语，亲热的表示( endearment的名词复数 ) | |
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sufficiently
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| adv.足够地，充分地 | |
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thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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45
solitude
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| n. 孤独; 独居,荒僻之地,幽静的地方 | |
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enjoyments
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| 愉快( enjoyment的名词复数 )； 令人愉快的事物； 享有； 享受 | |
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shudder
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| v.战粟，震动，剧烈地摇晃；n.战粟，抖动 | |
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solitary
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| adj.孤独的，独立的，荒凉的；n.隐士 | |
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49
tinges
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| n.细微的色彩，一丝痕迹( tinge的名词复数 ) | |
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embarrassment
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| n.尴尬；使人为难的人(事物)；障碍；窘迫 | |
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intimacy
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| n.熟悉，亲密，密切关系，亲昵的言行 | |
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52
inquiries
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| n.调查( inquiry的名词复数 )；疑问；探究；打听 | |
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disposition
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| n.性情，性格；意向，倾向；排列，部署 | |
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dispositions
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| 安排( disposition的名词复数 )； 倾向； （财产、金钱的）处置； 气质 | |
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attentively
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| adv.聚精会神地；周到地；谛；凝神 | |
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peculiarities
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| n. 特质, 特性, 怪癖, 古怪 | |
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complexion
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| n.肤色；情况，局面；气质，性格 | |
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circumlocutory
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| a.委婉曲折的,迂回的 (n.circumlocution) | |
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bonnets
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| n.童帽( bonnet的名词复数 )；（烟囱等的）覆盖物；（苏格兰男子的）无边呢帽；（女子戴的）任何一种帽子 | |
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burlesque
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| v.嘲弄，戏仿；n.嘲弄，取笑，滑稽模仿 | |
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enchanted
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| adj. 被施魔法的，陶醉的，入迷的 动词enchant的过去式和过去分词 | |
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frivolous
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| adj.轻薄的；轻率的 | |
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