‘We Bachelors in Clubs are very much obliged to you,’ says my old school and college companion, Essex Temple, ‘for the opinion which you hold of us. You call us selfish, purple-faced, bloated, and other pretty names. You state, in the simplest possible terms, that we shall go to the deuce. You bid us rot in loneliness, and deny us all claims to honesty, conduct, decent Christian1 life. Who are you, Mr. Snob2, to judge us. Who are you, with your infernal benevolent3 smirk4 and grin, that laugh at all our generation?
‘I will tell you my case,’ says Essex Temple; ‘mine and my sister Polly’s, and you may make what you like of it; and sneer5 at old maids, and bully6 old bachelors, if you will.
‘I will whisper to you confidentially7 that my sister was engaged to Serjeant Shirker — a fellow whose talents one cannot deny, and be hanged to them, but whom I have always known to be mean, selfish, and a prig. However, women don’t see these faults in the men whom Love throws in their way. Shirker, who has about as much warmth as an eel8, made up to Polly years and years ago, and was no bad match for a briefless barrister, as he was then.
Have you ever read Lord Eldon’s Life? Do you remember how the sordid9 old Snob narrates10 his going out to purchase twopence-worth of sprats, which he and Mrs. Scott fried between them? And how he parades his humility11, and exhibits his miserable12 poverty — he who, at that time, must have been making a thousand pounds a year? Well, Shirker was just as proud of his prudence13 — just as thankful for his own meanness, and of course would not marry without a competency. Who so honourable14? Polly waited, and waited faintly, from year to year. HE wasn’t sick at heart; HIS passion never disturbed his six hours’ sleep, or kept his ambition out of mind. He would rather have hugged an attorney any day than have kissed Polly, though she was one of the prettiest creatures in the world; and while she was pining alone upstairs, reading over the stock of half-a-dozen frigid15 letters that the confounded prig had condescended17 to write to her, HE, be sure, was never busy with anything but his briefs in chambers18 — always frigid, rigid16, self-satisfied, and at his duty. The marriage trailed on year after year, while Mr. Serjeant Shirker grew to be the famous lawyer he is.
‘Meanwhile, my younger brother, Pump Temple, who was in the 120th Hussars, and had the same little patrimony19 which fell to the lot of myself and Polly, must fall in love with our cousin, Fanny Figtree, and marry her out of hand. You should have seen the wedding! Six bridesmaids in pink, to hold the fan, bouquet20, gloves, scent-bottle, and pocket-handkerchief of the bride; basketfuls of white favours in the vestry, to be pinned on to the footmen and horses; a genteel congregation of curious acquaintance in the pews, a shabby one of poor on the steps; all the carriages of all our acquaintance, whom Aunt Figtree had levied21 for the occasion; and of course four horses for Mr. Pump’s bridal vehicle.
‘Then comes the breakfast, or DEJEUNER, if you please, with a brass22 band in the street, and policemen to keep order. The happy bridegroom spends about a year’s income in dresses for the bridesmaids and pretty presents; and the bride must have a TROUSSEAU of laces, satins, jewel-boxes and tomfoolery, to make her fit to be a lieutenant’s wife. There was no hesitation23 about Pump. He flung about his money as if it had been dross24; and Mrs. P. Temple, on the horse Tom Tiddler, which her husband gave her, was the most dashing of military women at Brighton or Dublin.
How old Mrs. Figtree used to bore me and Polly with stories of Pump’s grandeur25 and the noble company he kept! Polly lives with the Figtrees, as I am not rich enough to keep a home for her.
‘Pump and I have always been rather distant. Not having the slightest notions about horseflesh, he has a natural contempt for me; and in our mother’s lifetime, when the good old lady was always paying his debts and petting him, I’m not sure there was not a little jealousy26. It used to be Polly that kept the peace between us.
‘She went to Dublin to visit Pump, and brought back grand accounts of his doings — gayest man about town — Aide-de-Camp to the Lord-Lieutenant — Fanny admired everywhere — Her Excellency godmother to the second boy: the eldest27 with a string of aristocratic Christian-names that made the grandmother wild with delight. Presently Fanny and Pump obligingly came to London, where the third was born.
‘Polly was godmother to this, and who so loving as she and Pump now? “Oh, Essex,” says she to me, “he is so good, so generous, so fond of his family; so handsome; who can help loving him, and pardoning his little errors?” One day, while Mrs. Pump was yet in the upper regions, and Doctor Fingerfee’s brougham at her door every day, having business at Guildhall, whom should I meet in Cheapside but Pump and Polly? The poor girl looked more happy and rosy28 than I have seen her these twelve years. Pump, on the contrary, was rather blushing and embarrassed.
‘I couldn’t be mistaken in her face and its look of mischief29 and triumph. She had been committing some act of sacrifice. I went to the family stockbroker30. She had sold out two thousand pounds that morning and given them to Pump. Quarrelling was useless — Pump had the money; he was off to Dublin by the time I reached his mother’s, and Polly radiant still. He was going to make his fortune; he was going to embark31 the money in the Bog32 of Allen — I don’t know what. The fact is, he was going to pay his losses upon the last Manchester steeple-chase, and I leave you to imagine how much principal or interest poor Polly ever saw back again.
‘It was more than half her fortune, and he has had another thousand since from her. Then came efforts to stave off ruin and prevent exposure; struggles on all our parts, and sacrifices, that’ (here Mr. Essex Temple began to hesitate)—‘that needn’t be talked of; but they are of no more use than such sacrifices ever are. Pump and his wife are abroad — I don’t like to ask where; Polly has the three children, and Mr. Serjeant Shirker has formally written to break off an engagement, on the conclusion of which Miss Temple must herself have speculated, when she alienated33 the greater part of her fortune.
‘And here’s your famous theory of poor marriages!’ Essex Temple cries, concluding the above history. ‘How do you know that I don’t want to marry myself? How do you dare sneer at my poor sister? What are we but martyrs34 of the reckless marriage system which Mr. Snob, forsooth, chooses to advocate?’ And he thought he had the better of the argument, which, strange to say, is not my opinion.
But for the infernal Snob-worship, might not every one of these people be happy? If poor Polly’s happiness lay in linking her tender arms round such a heartless prig as the sneak35 who has deceived her, she might have been happy now — as happy as Raymond Raymond in the ballad36, with the stone statue by his side. She is wretched because Mr. Serjeant Shirker worships money and ambition, and is a Snob and a coward.
If the unfortunate Pump Temple and his giddy hussy of a wife have ruined themselves, and dragged down others into their calamity37, it is because they loved rank, and horses, and plate, and carriages, and COURT GUIDES, and millinery, and would sacrifice all to attain38 those objects.
And who misguides them? If the world were more simple, would not those foolish people follow the fashion? Does not the world love COURT GUIDES, and millinery, and plate, and carriages? Mercy on us! Read the fashionable intelligence; read the COURT CIRCULAR; read the genteel novels; survey mankind, from Pimlico to Red Lion Square, and see how the Poor Snob is aping the Rich Snob; how the Mean Snob is grovelling39 at the feet of the Proud Snob; and the Great Snob is lording it over his humble40 brother. Does the idea of equality ever enter Dives’ head? Will it ever? Will the Duchess of Fitzbattleaxe (I like a good name) ever believe that Lady Croesus, her next-door neighbour in Belgrave Square, is as good a lady as her Grace? Will Lady Croesus ever leave off pining the Duchess’s parties, and cease patronizing Mrs. Broadcloth whose husband has not got his Baronetcy yet? Will Mrs. Broadcloth ever heartily41 shake hands with Mrs. Seedy, and give up those odious42 calculations about poor dear Mrs. Seedy’s income? Will Mrs. Seedy who is starving in her great house, go and live comfortably in a little one, or in lodgings43? Will her landlady44, Miss Letsam, ever stop wondering at the familiarity of tradespeople, or rebuking45 the insolence46 of Suky, the maid, who wears flowers under her bonnet47 like a lady?
But why hope, why wish for such times? Do I wish all Snobs48 to perish? Do I wish these Snob papers to determine? Suicidal fool, art not thou, too, a Snob and a brother?
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Christian
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| adj.基督教徒的；n.基督教徒 | |
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snob
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| n.势利小人，自以为高雅、有学问的人 | |
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benevolent
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| adj.仁慈的，乐善好施的 | |
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smirk
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| n.得意地笑；v.傻笑；假笑着说 | |
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sneer
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| v.轻蔑；嘲笑；n.嘲笑，讥讽的言语 | |
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bully
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| n.恃强欺弱者，小流氓；vt.威胁，欺侮 | |
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confidentially
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| ad.秘密地，悄悄地 | |
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eel
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sordid
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| adj.肮脏的，不干净的，卑鄙的，暗淡的 | |
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narrates
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| v.故事( narrate的第三人称单数 ) | |
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humility
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| n.谦逊，谦恭 | |
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miserable
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| adj.悲惨的，痛苦的；可怜的，糟糕的 | |
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prudence
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| n.谨慎，精明，节俭 | |
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honourable
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| adj.可敬的；荣誉的，光荣的 | |
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frigid
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| adj.寒冷的，凛冽的；冷淡的；拘禁的 | |
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rigid
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| adj.严格的，死板的；刚硬的，僵硬的 | |
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condescended
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| 屈尊，俯就( condescend的过去式和过去分词 )； 故意表示和蔼可亲 | |
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chambers
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| n.房间( chamber的名词复数 )；（议会的）议院；卧室；会议厅 | |
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patrimony
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| n.世袭财产，继承物 | |
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bouquet
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| n.花束，酒香 | |
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levied
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| 征（兵）( levy的过去式和过去分词 )； 索取； 发动（战争）； 征税 | |
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brass
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| n.黄铜；黄铜器，铜管乐器 | |
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hesitation
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| n.犹豫，踌躇 | |
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dross
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| n.渣滓；无用之物 | |
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grandeur
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| n.伟大，崇高，宏伟，庄严，豪华 | |
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jealousy
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| n.妒忌，嫉妒，猜忌 | |
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eldest
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| adj.最年长的，最年老的 | |
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rosy
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| adj.美好的，乐观的，玫瑰色的 | |
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mischief
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| n.损害，伤害，危害；恶作剧，捣蛋，胡闹 | |
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stockbroker
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| n.股票（或证券），经纪人（或机构） | |
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embark
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| vi.乘船，着手，从事，上飞机 | |
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bog
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| n.沼泽；室...陷入泥淖 | |
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alienated
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| adj.感到孤独的，不合群的v.使疏远( alienate的过去式和过去分词 )；使不友好；转让；让渡（财产等） | |
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martyrs
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| n.martyr的复数形式；烈士( martyr的名词复数 )；殉道者；殉教者；乞怜者（向人诉苦以博取同情） | |
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sneak
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| vt.潜行(隐藏,填石缝)；偷偷摸摸做；n.潜行；adj.暗中进行 | |
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ballad
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| n.歌谣，民谣，流行爱情歌曲 | |
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calamity
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| n.灾害，祸患，不幸事件 | |
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attain
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| vt.达到，获得，完成 | |
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grovelling
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| adj.卑下的，奴颜婢膝的v.卑躬屈节，奴颜婢膝( grovel的现在分词 )；趴 | |
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humble
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| adj.谦卑的，恭顺的；地位低下的；v.降低，贬低 | |
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heartily
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| adv.衷心地，诚恳地，十分，很 | |
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odious
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| adj.可憎的，讨厌的 | |
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lodgings
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| n. 出租的房舍, 寄宿舍 | |
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landlady
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| n.女房东，女地主 | |
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rebuking
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| 责难或指责( rebuke的现在分词 ) | |
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insolence
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| n.傲慢；无礼；厚颜；傲慢的态度 | |
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bonnet
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| n.无边女帽；童帽 | |
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snobs
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| （谄上傲下的）势利小人( snob的名词复数 )； 自高自大者，自命不凡者 | |
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