FATHER PAISSY, of course, was not wrong when he decided1 that his “dear boy” would come back again. Perhaps indeed, to some extent, he penetrated2 with insight into the true meaning of Alyosha’s spiritual condition. Yet I must frankly3 own that it would be very difficult for me to give a clear account of that strange, vague moment in the life of the young hero I love so much. To Father Paissy’s sorrowful question, “Are you too with those of little faith?” I could, of course, confidently answer for Alyosha, “No, he is not with those of little faith. Quite the contrary.” Indeed, all his trouble came from the fact that he was of great faith. But still the trouble was there and was so agonising that even long afterwards Alyosha thought of that sorrowful day as one of the bitterest and most fatal days of his life. If the question is asked: “Could all his grief and disturbance4 have been only due to the fact that his elder’s body had shown signs of premature5 decomposition6 instead of at once performing miracles?” I must answer without beating about the bush, “Yes, it certainly was.” I would only beg the reader not to be in too great a hurry to laugh at my young hero’s pure heart. I am far from intending to apologise for him or to justify7 his innocent faith on the ground of his youth, or the little progress he had made in his studies, or any such reason. I must declare, on the contrary, that I have genuine respect for the qualities of his heart. No doubt a youth who received impressions cautiously, whose love was lukewarm, and whose mind was too prudent8 for his age and so of little value, such a young man might, I admit, have avoided what happened to my hero. But in some cases it is really more creditable to be carried away by an emotion, however unreasonable9, which springs from a great love, than to be unmoved. And this is even truer in youth, for a young man who is always sensible is to be suspected and is of little worth — that’s my opinion!
“But,” reasonable people will exclaim perhaps, “every young man cannot believe in such a superstition10 and your hero is no model for others.”
To this I reply again, “Yes! my hero had faith, a faith holy and steadfast11, but still I am not going to apologise for him.”
Though I declared above, and perhaps too hastily, that I should not explain or justify my hero, I see that some explanation is necessary for the understanding of the rest of my story. Let me say then, it was not a question of miracles. There was no frivolous12 and impatient expectation of miracles in his mind. And Alyosha needed no miracles at the time, for the triumph of some preconceived idea — oh no, not at all — what he saw before all was one figure — the figure of his beloved elder, the figure of that holy man whom he revered13 with such adoration14. The fact is that all the love that lay concealed15 in his pure young heart for everyone and everything had, for the past year, been concentrated — and perhaps wrongly so — on one being, his beloved elder. It is true that being had for so long been accepted by him as his ideal, that all his young strength and energy could not but turn towards that ideal, even to the forgetting at the moment “of everyone and everything.” He remembered afterwards how, on that terrible day, he had entirely16 forgotten his brother Dmitri, about whom he had been so anxious and troubled the day before; he had forgotten, too, to take the two hundred roubles to Ilusha’s father, though he had so warmly intended to do so the preceding evening. But again it was not miracles he needed but only “the higher justice” which had been in his belief outraged17 by the blow that had so suddenly and cruelly wounded his heart. And what does it signify that this “justice” looked for by Alyosha inevitably18 took the shape of miracles to be wrought19 immediately by the ashes of his adored teacher? Why, everyone in the monastery20 cherished the same thought and the same hope, even those whose intellects Alyosha revered, Father Paissy himself, for instance. And so Alyosha, untroubled by doubts, clothed his dreams too in the same form as all the rest. And a whole year of life in the monastery had formed the habit of this expectation in his heart. But it was justice, justice, he thirsted for, not simply miracles.
And now the man who should, he believed, have been exalted22 above everyone in the whole world, that man, instead of receiving the glory that was his due, was suddenly degraded and dishonoured23! What for? Who had judged him? Who could have decreed this? Those were the questions that wrung24 his inexperienced and virginal heart. He could not endure without mortification25, without resentment26 even, that the holiest of holy men should have been exposed to the jeering27 and spiteful mockery of the frivolous crowd so inferior to him. Even had there been no miracles, had there been nothing marvellous to justify his hopes, why this indignity28, why this humiliation29, why this premature decay, “in excess of nature,” as the spiteful monks30 said? Why this “sign from heaven,” which they so triumphantly31 acclaimed33 in company with Father Ferapont, and why did they believe they had gained the right to acclaim32 it? Where is the finger of Providence34? Why did Providence hide its face “at the most critical moment” (so Alyosha thought it), as though voluntarily submitting to the blind, dumb, pitiless laws of nature?
That was why Alyosha’s heart was bleeding, and, of course, as I have said already, the sting of it all was that the man he loved above everything on earth should be put to shame and humiliated35! This murmuring may have been shallow and unreasonable in my hero, but I repeat again for the third time — and am prepared to admit that it might be difficult to defend my feeling — I am glad that my hero showed himself not too reasonable at that moment, for any man of sense will always come back to reason in time, but, if love does not gain the upper hand in a boy’s heart at such an exceptional moment, when will it? I will not, however, omit to mention something strange, which came for a time to the surface of Alyosha’s mind at this fatal and obscure moment. This new something was the harassing36 impression left by the conversation with Ivan, which now persistently37 haunted Alyosha’s mind. At this moment it haunted him. Oh, it was not that something of the fundamental, elemental, so to speak, faith of his soul had been shaken. He loved his God and believed in Him steadfastly38, though he was suddenly murmuring against Him. Yet a vague but tormenting39 and evil impression left by his conversation with Ivan the day before, suddenly revived again now in his soul and seemed forcing its way to the surface of his consciousness.
It had begun to get dusk when Rakitin, crossing the pine copse from the hermitage to the monastery, suddenly noticed Alyosha, lying face downwards40 on the ground under a tree, not moving and apparently41 asleep. He went up and called him by his name.
“You here, Alexey? Can you have — “ he began wondering but broke off. He had meant to say, “Can you have come to this?”
Alyosha did not look at him, but from a slight movement Rakitin at once saw that he heard and understood him.
“What’s the matter?” he went on; but the surprise in his face gradually passed into a smile that became more and more ironical42.
“I say, I’ve been looking for you for the last two hours. You suddenly disappeared. What are you about? What foolery is this? You might just look at me . . . ”
Alyosha raised his head, sat up and leaned his back against the tree. He was not crying, but there was a look of suffering and irritability43 in his face. He did not look at Rakitin, however, but looked away to one side of him.
“Do you know your face is quite changed? There’s none of your famous mildness to be seen in it. Are you angry with someone? Have they been ill-treating you?”
“Let me alone,” said Alyosha suddenly, with a weary gesture of his hand, still looking away from him.
“Oho! So that’s how we are feeling! So you can shout at people like other mortals. That is a come-down from the angels. I say, Alyosha, you have surprised me, do you hear? I mean it. It’s long since I’ve been surprised at anything here. I always took you for an educated man.
Alyosha at last looked at him, but vaguely44, as though scarcely understanding what he said.
“Can you really be so upset simply because your old man has begun to stink45? You don’t mean to say you seriously believed that he was going to work miracles?” exclaimed Rakitin, genuinely surprised again.
“I believed, I believe, I want to believe, and I will believe, what more do you want?” cried Alyosha irritably46.
“Nothing at all, my boy. Damn it all! why, no schoolboy of thirteen believes in that now. But there . . . So now you are in a temper with your God, you are rebelling against Him; He hasn’t given promotion47, He hasn’t bestowed48 the order of merit! Eh, you are a set!”
Alyosha gazed a long while with his eyes half closed at Rakitin, and there was a sudden gleam in his eyes . . . but not of anger with Rakitin.
“I am not rebelling against my God; I simply ‘don’t accept His world.’” Alyosha suddenly smiled a forced smile.
“How do you mean, you don’t accept the world?” Rakitin thought a moment over his answer. “What idiocy49 is this?”
Alyosha did not answer.
“Come, enough nonsense, now to business. Have you had anything to eat to-day?”
“I don’t remember. . . . I think I have.”
“You need keeping up, to judge by your face. It makes one sorry to look at you. You didn’t sleep all night either, I hear; you had a meeting in there. And then all this bobbery afterwards. Most likely you’ve had nothing to eat but a mouthful of holy bread. I’ve got some sausage in my pocket; I’ve brought it from the town in case of need, only you won’t eat sausage. . . . ”
“Give me some.”
“I say! You are going it! Why, it’s a regular mutiny, with barricades50! Well, my boy, we must make the most of it. Come to my place . . . shouldn’t mind a drop of vodka myself, I am tired to death. Vodka is going too far for you, I suppose . . . or would you like some?”
“Give me some vodka too.”
“Hullo! You surprise me, brother!” Rakitin looked at him in amazement51. “Well, one way or another, vodka or sausage, this is a jolly fine chance and mustn’t be missed. Come along.”
Alyosha got up in silence and followed Rakitin.
“If your little brother Ivan could see this wouldn’t he be surprised! By the way, your brother Ivan set off to Moscow this morning, did you know?”
“Yes,” answered Alyosha listlessly, and suddenly the image of his brother Dmitri rose before his mind. But only for a minute, and though it reminded him of something that must not be put off for a moment, some duty, some terrible obligation, even that reminder52 made no impression on him, did not reach his heart and instantly faded out of his mind and was forgotten. But, a long while afterwards, Alyosha remembered this.
“Your brother Ivan declared once that I was a ‘liberal booby with no talents whatsoever53.’ Once you, too, could not resist letting me know I was ‘dishonourable.’ Well! I should like to see what your talents and sense of honour will do for you now.” This phrase Rakitin finished to himself in a whisper.
“Listen!” he said aloud, “Let’s go by the path beyond the monastery straight to the town. H’m! I ought to go to Madame Hohlakov’s by the way. Only fancy, I’ve written to tell her everything that happened, and would you believe it, she answered me instantly in pencil (the lady has a passion for writing notes) that ‘she would never have expected such conduct from a man of such a reverend character as Father Zossima.’ That was her very word: ‘conduct.’ She is angry too. Eh, you are a set! Stay!” he cried suddenly again. He suddenly stopped and taking Alyosha by the shoulder made him stop too.
“Do you know, Alyosha,” he peeped inquisitively54 into his eyes, absorbed in a sudden new thought which had dawned on him, and though he was laughing outwardly he was evidently afraid to utter that new idea aloud, so difficult he still found it to believe in the strange and unexpected mood in which he now saw Alyosha. “Alyosha, do you know where we had better go?” he brought out at last timidly, and insinuatingly55.
“I don’t care . . . where you like.”
“Let’s go to Grushenka, eh? Will you come?” pronounced Rakitin at last, trembling with timid suspense56.
“Let’s go to Grushenka,” Alyosha answered calmly, at once, and this prompt and calm agreement was such a surprise to Rakitin that he almost started back.
“Well! I say!” he cried in amazement, but seizing Alyosha firmly by the arm be led him along the path, still dreading57 that he would change his mind.
They walked along in silence; Rakitin was positively58 afraid to talk.
“And how glad she will be, how delighted!” he muttered, but lapsed59 into silence again. And indeed it was not to please Grushenka he was taking Alyosha to her. He was a practical person and never undertook anything without a prospect60 of gain for himself. His object in this case was twofold, first a revengeful desire to see “the downfall of the righteous,” and Alyosha’s fall “from the saints to the sinners,” over which he was already gloating in his imagination, and in the second place he had in view a certain material gain for himself, of which more will be said later.
“So the critical moment has come,” he thought to himself with spiteful glee, “and we shall catch it on the hop21, for it’s just what we want.”
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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penetrated
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| adj. 击穿的，鞭辟入里的 动词penetrate的过去式和过去分词形式 | |
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frankly
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| adv.坦白地，直率地；坦率地说 | |
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disturbance
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| n.动乱，骚动；打扰，干扰；(身心)失调 | |
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premature
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| adj.比预期时间早的；不成熟的，仓促的 | |
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decomposition
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| n. 分解, 腐烂, 崩溃 | |
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justify
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| vt.证明…正当(或有理)，为…辩护 | |
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prudent
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| adj.谨慎的，有远见的，精打细算的 | |
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unreasonable
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| adj.不讲道理的，不合情理的，过度的 | |
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superstition
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| n.迷信，迷信行为 | |
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steadfast
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| adj.固定的，不变的，不动摇的；忠实的；坚贞不移的 | |
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frivolous
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| adj.轻薄的；轻率的 | |
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revered
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| v.崇敬，尊崇，敬畏( revere的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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adoration
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| n.爱慕，崇拜 | |
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concealed
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| a.隐藏的，隐蔽的 | |
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entirely
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| ad.全部地，完整地；完全地，彻底地 | |
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outraged
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| a.震惊的，义愤填膺的 | |
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inevitably
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| adv.不可避免地；必然发生地 | |
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wrought
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| v.引起；以…原料制作；运转；adj.制造的 | |
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monastery
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| n.修道院，僧院，寺院 | |
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hop
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| n.单脚跳，跳跃；vi.单脚跳，跳跃；着手做某事；vt.跳跃，跃过 | |
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exalted
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| adj.(地位等)高的，崇高的；尊贵的，高尚的 | |
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dishonoured
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| a.不光彩的，不名誉的 | |
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wrung
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| 绞( wring的过去式和过去分词 )； 握紧（尤指别人的手）； 把（湿衣服）拧干； 绞掉（水） | |
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mortification
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| n.耻辱，屈辱 | |
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resentment
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| n.怨愤，忿恨 | |
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jeering
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| adj.嘲弄的，揶揄的v.嘲笑( jeer的现在分词 ) | |
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indignity
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| n.侮辱，伤害尊严，轻蔑 | |
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humiliation
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| n.羞辱 | |
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monks
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| n.修道士，僧侣( monk的名词复数 ) | |
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triumphantly
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| ad.得意洋洋地；得胜地；成功地 | |
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acclaim
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| v.向…欢呼，公认；n.欢呼，喝彩，称赞 | |
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acclaimed
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| adj.受人欢迎的 | |
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providence
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| n.深谋远虑，天道，天意；远见；节约；上帝 | |
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humiliated
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| 感到羞愧的 | |
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harassing
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| v.侵扰，骚扰( harass的现在分词 )；不断攻击（敌人） | |
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persistently
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| ad.坚持地；固执地 | |
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steadfastly
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| adv.踏实地，不变地；岿然；坚定不渝 | |
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tormenting
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| 使痛苦的，使苦恼的 | |
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downwards
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| adj./adv.向下的（地），下行的（地） | |
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apparently
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| adv.显然地；表面上，似乎 | |
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ironical
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| adj.讽刺的，冷嘲的 | |
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irritability
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| n.易怒 | |
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vaguely
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| adv.含糊地，暖昧地 | |
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stink
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| vi.发出恶臭；糟透，招人厌恶；n.恶臭 | |
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irritably
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| ad.易生气地 | |
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promotion
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| n.提升，晋级；促销，宣传 | |
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bestowed
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| 赠给，授予( bestow的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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idiocy
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| n.愚蠢 | |
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barricades
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| 路障，障碍物( barricade的名词复数 ) | |
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amazement
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| n.惊奇，惊讶 | |
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reminder
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| n.提醒物，纪念品；暗示，提示 | |
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whatsoever
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| adv.（用于否定句中以加强语气）任何；pron.无论什么 | |
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inquisitively
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| 过分好奇地； 好问地 | |
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insinuatingly
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suspense
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| n.（对可能发生的事）紧张感，担心，挂虑 | |
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dreading
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| v.害怕，恐惧，担心( dread的现在分词 ) | |
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positively
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| adv.明确地，断然，坚决地；实在，确实 | |
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lapsed
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| adj.流失的，堕落的v.退步( lapse的过去式和过去分词 )；陷入；倒退；丧失 | |
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prospect
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| n.前景，前途；景色，视野 | |
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