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Chapter 43 Know Your Own Mind
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The garden of the hotel at Sydenham had originally belonged to a private house. Of great extent, it had been laid out in excellent taste. Flower-beds and lawns, a handsome fountain, seats shaded by groups of fine trees at their full growth, completed the pastoral charm of the place. A winding1 path led across the garden from the back of the house. It had been continued by the speculator who purchased the property, until it reached a road at the extremity2 of the grounds which communicated with the Crystal Palace. Visitors to the hotel had such pleasant associations with the garden that many of them returned at future opportunities instead of trying the attraction of some other place. Various tastes and different ages found their wishes equally consulted here. Children rejoiced in the finest playground they had ever seen. Remote walks, secluded3 among shrubberies, invited persons of reserved disposition4 who came as strangers, and as strangers desired to remain. The fountain and the lawn collected sociable5 visitors, who were always ready to make acquaintance with each other. Even the amateur artist could take liberties with Nature, and find the accommodating limits of the garden sufficient for his purpose. Trees in the foreground sat to him for likenesses that were never recognized; and hills submitted to unprovoked familiarities, on behalf of brushes which were not daunted6 by distance.

On the day after the dinner which had so deplorably failed, in respect of one of the guests invited, to fulfill7 Catherine’s anticipations8, there was a festival at the Palace. It had proved so generally attractive to the guests at the hotel that the grounds were almost deserted9.

As the sun declined, on a lovely summer evening, the few invalids10 feebly wandering about the flower-beds, or resting under the trees, began to return to the house in dread11 of the dew. Catherine and her child, with the nursemaid in attendance, were left alone in the garden. Kitty found her mother, as she openly declared, “not such good company as usual.” Since the day when her grandmother had said the fatal words which checked all further allusion12 to her father, the child had shown a disposition to complain, if she was not constantly amused. She complained of Mrs. Presty now.

“I think grandmamma might have taken me to the Crystal Palace,” she said.

“My dear, your grandmamma has friends with her — ladies and gentlemen who don’t care to be troubled with a child.”

Kitty received this information in a very unamiable spirit. “I hate ladies and gentlemen!” she said.

“Even Captain Bennydeck?” her mother asked.

“No; I like my nice Captain. And I like the waiters. They would take me to the Crystal Palace — only they’re always busy. I wish it was bedtime; I don’t know what to do with myself.”

“Take a little walk with Susan.”

“Where shall I go?”

Catherine looked toward the gate which opened on the road, and proposed a visit to the old man who kept the lodge13.

Kitty shook her head. There was an objection to the old man. “He asks questions; he wants to know how I get on with my sums. He’s proud of his summing; and he finds me out when I’m wrong. I don’t like the lodge-keeper.”

Catherine looked the other way, toward the house. The pleasant fall of water in the basin of the distant fountain was just audible. “Go and feed the gold-fishes,” she suggested.

This was a prospect14 of amusement which at once raised Kitty’s spirits. “That’s the thing!” she cried, and ran off to the fountain, with the nursemaid after her.

Catherine seated herself under the trees, and watched in solitude15 the decline of the sun in a cloudless sky. The memory of the happy years of her marriage had never been so sadly and persistently16 present to her mind as at this time, when the choice of another married life waited her decision to become an accomplished17 fact. Remembrances of the past, which she had such bitter reason to regret, and forebodings of the future, in which she was more than half inclined to believe, oppressed her at one and the same moment. She thought of the different circumstances, so widely separated by time, under which Herbert (years ago) and Bennydeck (twenty-four hours since) had each owned his love, and pleaded for an indulgent hearing. Her mind contrasted the dissimilar results.

Pressed by the faithless man who had so cruelly wronged her in after-years, she only wondered why he had waited so long before he asked her to marry him. Addressed with equal ardor18 by that other man, whose age, whose character, whose modest devotion offered her every assurance of happiness that a woman could desire, she had struggled against herself, and had begged him to give her a day to consider. That day was now drawing to an end. As she watched the setting sun, the phantom19 of her guilty husband darkened the heavenly light; imbittered the distrust of herself which made her afraid to say Yes; and left her helpless before the hesitation20 which prevented her from saying No.

The figure of a man appeared on the lonely path that led to the lodge gate.

Impulsively21 she rose from her seat as he advanced. She sat down again. After that first act of indecision, the flutter of her spirits abated22; she was able to think.

To avoid him, after he had spared her at her own request, would have been an act of ingratitude23: to receive him was to place herself once more in the false position of a woman too undecided to know her own mind. Forced to choose between these alternatives, her true regard for Bennydeck forbade her to think of herself, and encouraged her to wait for him. As he came nearer, she saw anxiety in his face and observed an open letter in his hand. He smiled as he approached her, and asked leave to take a chair at her side. At the same time, when he perceived that she had noticed his letter, he put it away hurriedly in his pocket.

“I hope nothing has happened to annoy you,” she said.

He smiled again; and asked if she was thinking of his letter. “It is only a report,” he added, “from my second in command, whom I have left in charge of my Home. He is an excellent man; but I am afraid his temper is not proof against the ingratitude which we sometimes meet with. He doesn’t yet make allowances for what even the best natures suffer, under the deteriorating24 influence of self-distrust and despair. No, I am not anxious about the results of this case. I forget all my anxieties (except one) when I am with you.”

His eyes told her that he was about to return to the one subject that she dreaded25. She tried — as women will try, in the little emergencies of their lives — to gain time.

“I am interested about your Home,” she said: “I want to know what sort of place it is. Is the discipline very severe?”

“There is no discipline,” he answered warmly. “My one object is to be a friend to my friendless fellow-creatures; and my one way of governing them is to follow the teaching of the Sermon on the Mount. Whatever else I may remind them of, when they come to me, I am determined26 not to remind them of a prison. For this reason — though I pity the hardened wanderers of the streets, I don’t open my doors to them. Many a refuge, in which discipline is inevitable27, is open to these poor sinners already. My welcome is offered to penitents28 and sufferers of another kind — who have fallen from positions in life, in which the sense of honor has been cultivated; whose despair is associated with remembrances which I may so encourage, with the New Testament29 to help me, as to lead them back to the religious influences under which their purer and happier lives may have been passed. Here and there I meet with disappointments. But I persist in my system of trusting them as freely as if they were my own children; and, for the most part, they justify30 my confidence in them. On the day — if it ever comes — when I find discipline necessary, I shall suffer my disappointment and close my doors.”

“Is your house open,” Catherine asked, “to men and women alike?”

He was eager to speak with her on a subject more interesting to him even than his Home. Answering her question, in this frame of mind, his thoughts wandered; he drew lines absently with his walking-stick on the soft earth under the trees.

“The means at my disposal,” he said, “are limited. I have been obliged to choose between the men and the women.”

“And you have chosen women?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because a lost woman is a more friendless creature than a lost man.”

“Do they come to you? or do you look for them?”

“They mostly come to me. There is one young woman, however, now waiting to see me, whom I have been looking for. I am deeply interested in her.”

“Is it her beauty that interests you?”

“I have not seen her since she was a child. She is the daughter of an old friend of mine, who died many years ago.”

“And with that claim on you, you keep her waiting?”

“Yes.”

He let his stick drop on the ground and looked at Catherine; but he offered no explanation of his strange conduct. She was a little disappointed. “You have been some time away from your Home,” she said; still searching for his reasons. “When do you go back?”

“I go back,” he answered, “when I know whether I may thank God for being the happiest man living.”

They were both silent.


点击收听单词发音收听单词发音  

1 winding Ue7z09     
n.绕,缠,绕组,线圈
参考例句:
  • A winding lane led down towards the river.一条弯弯曲曲的小路通向河边。
  • The winding trail caused us to lose our orientation.迂回曲折的小道使我们迷失了方向。
2 extremity tlgxq     
n.末端,尽头;尽力;终极;极度
参考例句:
  • I hope you will help them in their extremity.我希望你能帮助在穷途末路的他们。
  • What shall we do in this extremity?在这种极其困难的情况下我们该怎么办呢?
3 secluded wj8zWX     
adj.与世隔绝的;隐退的;偏僻的v.使隔开,使隐退( seclude的过去式和过去分词)
参考例句:
  • Some people like to strip themselves naked while they have a swim in a secluded place. 一些人当他们在隐蔽的地方游泳时,喜欢把衣服脱光。 来自《简明英汉词典》
  • This charming cottage dates back to the 15th century and is as pretty as a picture, with its thatched roof and secluded garden. 这所美丽的村舍是15世纪时的建筑,有茅草房顶和宁静的花园,漂亮极了,简直和画上一样。 来自《简明英汉词典》
4 disposition GljzO     
n.性情,性格;意向,倾向;排列,部署
参考例句:
  • He has made a good disposition of his property.他已对财产作了妥善处理。
  • He has a cheerful disposition.他性情开朗。
5 sociable hw3wu     
adj.好交际的,友好的,合群的
参考例句:
  • Roger is a very sociable person.罗杰是个非常好交际的人。
  • Some children have more sociable personalities than others.有些孩子比其他孩子更善于交际。
6 daunted 7ffb5e5ffb0aa17a7b2333d90b452257     
使(某人)气馁,威吓( daunt的过去式和过去分词 )
参考例句:
  • She was a brave woman but she felt daunted by the task ahead. 她是一个勇敢的女人,但对面前的任务却感到信心不足。
  • He was daunted by the high quality of work they expected. 他被他们对工作的高品质的要求吓倒了。
7 fulfill Qhbxg     
vt.履行,实现,完成;满足,使满意
参考例句:
  • If you make a promise you should fulfill it.如果你许诺了,你就要履行你的诺言。
  • This company should be able to fulfill our requirements.这家公司应该能够满足我们的要求。
8 anticipations 5b99dd11cd8d6a699f0940a993c12076     
预期( anticipation的名词复数 ); 预测; (信托财产收益的)预支; 预期的事物
参考例句:
  • The thought took a deal of the spirit out of his anticipations. 想到这,他的劲头消了不少。
  • All such bright anticipations were cruelly dashed that night. 所有这些美好的期望全在那天夜晚被无情地粉碎了。
9 deserted GukzoL     
adj.荒芜的,荒废的,无人的,被遗弃的
参考例句:
  • The deserted village was filled with a deathly silence.这个荒废的村庄死一般的寂静。
  • The enemy chieftain was opposed and deserted by his followers.敌人头目众叛亲离。
10 invalids 9666855fd5f6325a21809edf4ef7233e     
病人,残疾者( invalid的名词复数 )
参考例句:
  • The invention will confer a benefit on all invalids. 这项发明将有助于所有的残疾人。
  • H?tel National Des Invalids is a majestic building with a golden hemispherical housetop. 荣军院是有着半球形镀金屋顶的宏伟建筑。
11 dread Ekpz8     
vt.担忧,忧虑;惧怕,不敢;n.担忧,畏惧
参考例句:
  • We all dread to think what will happen if the company closes.我们都不敢去想一旦公司关门我们该怎么办。
  • Her heart was relieved of its blankest dread.她极度恐惧的心理消除了。
12 allusion CfnyW     
n.暗示,间接提示
参考例句:
  • He made an allusion to a secret plan in his speech.在讲话中他暗示有一项秘密计划。
  • She made no allusion to the incident.她没有提及那个事件。
13 lodge q8nzj     
v.临时住宿,寄宿,寄存,容纳;n.传达室,小旅馆
参考例句:
  • Is there anywhere that I can lodge in the village tonight?村里有我今晚过夜的地方吗?
  • I shall lodge at the inn for two nights.我要在这家小店住两个晚上。
14 prospect P01zn     
n.前景,前途;景色,视野
参考例句:
  • This state of things holds out a cheerful prospect.事态呈现出可喜的前景。
  • The prospect became more evident.前景变得更加明朗了。
15 solitude xF9yw     
n. 孤独; 独居,荒僻之地,幽静的地方
参考例句:
  • People need a chance to reflect on spiritual matters in solitude. 人们需要独处的机会来反思精神上的事情。
  • They searched for a place where they could live in solitude. 他们寻找一个可以过隐居生活的地方。
16 persistently MlzztP     
ad.坚持地;固执地
参考例句:
  • He persistently asserted his right to a share in the heritage. 他始终声称他有分享那笔遗产的权利。
  • She persistently asserted her opinions. 她果断地说出了自己的意见。
17 accomplished UzwztZ     
adj.有才艺的;有造诣的;达到了的
参考例句:
  • Thanks to your help,we accomplished the task ahead of schedule.亏得你们帮忙,我们才提前完成了任务。
  • Removal of excess heat is accomplished by means of a radiator.通过散热器完成多余热量的排出。
18 ardor 5NQy8     
n.热情,狂热
参考例句:
  • His political ardor led him into many arguments.他的政治狂热使他多次卷入争论中。
  • He took up his pursuit with ardor.他满腔热忱地从事工作。
19 phantom T36zQ     
n.幻影,虚位,幽灵;adj.错觉的,幻影的,幽灵的
参考例句:
  • I found myself staring at her as if she were a phantom.我发现自己瞪大眼睛看着她,好像她是一个幽灵。
  • He is only a phantom of a king.他只是有名无实的国王。
20 hesitation tdsz5     
n.犹豫,踌躇
参考例句:
  • After a long hesitation, he told the truth at last.踌躇了半天,他终于直说了。
  • There was a certain hesitation in her manner.她的态度有些犹豫不决。
21 impulsively 0596bdde6dedf8c46a693e7e1da5984c     
adv.冲动地
参考例句:
  • She leant forward and kissed him impulsively. 她倾身向前,感情冲动地吻了他。
  • Every good, true, vigorous feeling I had gathered came impulsively round him. 我的一切良好、真诚而又强烈的感情都紧紧围绕着他涌现出来。
22 abated ba788157839fe5f816c707e7a7ca9c44     
减少( abate的过去式和过去分词 ); 减去; 降价; 撤消(诉讼)
参考例句:
  • The worker's concern about cuts in the welfare funding has not abated. 工人们对削减福利基金的关心并没有减少。
  • The heat has abated. 温度降低了。
23 ingratitude O4TyG     
n.忘恩负义
参考例句:
  • Tim's parents were rather hurt by his ingratitude.蒂姆的父母对他的忘恩负义很痛心。
  • His friends were shocked by his ingratitude to his parents.他对父母不孝,令他的朋友们大为吃惊。
24 deteriorating 78fb3515d7abc3a0539b443be0081fb1     
恶化,变坏( deteriorate的现在分词 )
参考例句:
  • The weather conditions are deteriorating. 天气变得越来越糟。
  • I was well aware of the bad morale and the deteriorating factories. 我很清楚,大家情绪低落,各个工厂越搞越坏。
25 dreaded XuNzI3     
adj.令人畏惧的;害怕的v.害怕,恐惧,担心( dread的过去式和过去分词)
参考例句:
  • The dreaded moment had finally arrived. 可怕的时刻终于来到了。
  • He dreaded having to spend Christmas in hospital. 他害怕非得在医院过圣诞节不可。 来自《用法词典》
26 determined duszmP     
adj.坚定的;有决心的
参考例句:
  • I have determined on going to Tibet after graduation.我已决定毕业后去西藏。
  • He determined to view the rooms behind the office.他决定查看一下办公室后面的房间。
27 inevitable 5xcyq     
adj.不可避免的,必然发生的
参考例句:
  • Mary was wearing her inevitable large hat.玛丽戴着她总是戴的那顶大帽子。
  • The defeat had inevitable consequences for British policy.战败对英国政策不可避免地产生了影响。
28 penitents f23c97a97c3ff0fec0c3fffc4fa0394c     
n.后悔者( penitent的名词复数 );忏悔者
参考例句:
29 testament yyEzf     
n.遗嘱;证明
参考例句:
  • This is his last will and testament.这是他的遗愿和遗嘱。
  • It is a testament to the power of political mythology.这说明,编造政治神话可以产生多大的威力。
30 justify j3DxR     
vt.证明…正当(或有理),为…辩护
参考例句:
  • He tried to justify his absence with lame excuses.他想用站不住脚的借口为自己的缺席辩解。
  • Can you justify your rude behavior to me?你能向我证明你的粗野行为是有道理的吗?


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