How the Lords of Kissbreech and Suckfist did plead before Pantagruel without an attorney.
Then began Kissbreech in manner as followeth. My lord, it is true that a good woman of my house carried eggs to the market to sell. Be covered, Kissbreech, said Pantagruel. Thanks to you, my lord, said the Lord Kissbreech; but to the purpose. There passed betwixt the two tropics the sum of threepence towards the zenith and a halfpenny, forasmuch as the Riphaean mountains had been that year oppressed with a great sterility1 of counterfeit2 gudgeons and shows without substance, by means of the babbling3 tattle and fond fibs seditiously raised between the gibblegabblers and Accursian gibberish-mongers for the rebellion of the Switzers, who had assembled themselves to the full number of the bumbees and myrmidons to go a-handsel-getting on the first day of the new year, at that very time when they give brewis to the oxen and deliver the key of the coals to the country-girls for serving in of the oats to the dogs. All the night long they did nothing else, keeping their hands still upon the pot, but despatch4, both on foot and horseback, leaden-sealed writs6 or letters, to wit, papal commissions commonly called bulls, to stop the boats; for the tailors and seamsters would have made of the stolen shreds7 and clippings a goodly sagbut to cover the face of the ocean, which then was great with child of a potful of cabbage, according to the opinion of the hay-bundle-makers. But the physicians said that by the urine they could discern no manifest sign of the bustard’s pace, nor how to eat double-tongued mattocks with mustard, unless the lords and gentlemen of the court should be pleased to give by B.mol express command to the pox not to run about any longer in gleaning8 up of coppersmiths and tinkers; for the jobbernolls had already a pretty good beginning in their dance of the British jig9 called the estrindore, to a perfect diapason, with one foot in the fire, and their head in the middle, as goodman Ragot was wont10 to say.
Ha, my masters, God moderates all things, and disposeth of them at his pleasure, so that against unlucky fortune a carter broke his frisking whip, which was all the wind-instrument he had. This was done at his return from the little paltry11 town, even then when Master Antitus of Cressplots was licentiated, and had passed his degrees in all dullery and blockishness, according to this sentence of the canonists, Beati Dunces, quoniam ipsi stumblaverunt. But that which makes Lent to be so high, by St. Fiacre of Bry, is for nothing else but that the Pentecost never comes but to my cost; yet, on afore there, ho! a little rain stills a great wind, and we must think so, seeing that the sergeant12 hath propounded13 the matter so far above my reach, that the clerks and secondaries could not with the benefit thereof lick their fingers, feathered with ganders, so orbicularly as they were wont in other things to do. And we do manifestly see that everyone acknowledgeth himself to be in the error wherewith another hath been charged, reserving only those cases whereby we are obliged to take an ocular inspection14 in a perspective glass of these things towards the place in the chimney where hangeth the sign of the wine of forty girths, which have been always accounted very necessary for the number of twenty pannels and pack-saddles of the bankrupt protectionaries of five years’ respite15. Howsoever, at least, he that would not let fly the fowl16 before the cheesecakes ought in law to have discovered his reason why not, for the memory is often lost with a wayward shoeing. Well, God keep Theobald Mitain from all danger! Then said Pantagruel, Hold there! Ho, my friend, soft and fair, speak at leisure and soberly without putting yourself in choler. I understand and case,— go on. Now then, my lord, said Kissbreech, the foresaid good woman saying her gaudez and audi nos, could not cover herself with a treacherous17 backblow, ascending18 by the wounds and passions of the privileges of the universities, unless by the virtue19 of a warming-pan she had angelically fomented20 every part of her body in covering them with a hedge of garden-beds; then giving in a swift unavoidable thirst (thrust) very near to the place where they sell the old rags whereof the painters of Flanders make great use when they are about neatly21 to clap on shoes on grasshoppers22, locusts23, cigals, and such like fly-fowls, so strange to us that I am wonderfully astonished why the world doth not lay, seeing it is so good to hatch.
Here the Lord of Suckfist would have interrupted him and spoken somewhat, whereupon Pantagruel said unto him, St! by St. Anthony’s belly25, doth it become thee to speak without command? I sweat here with the extremity26 of labour and exceeding toil27 I take to understand the proceeding28 of your mutual29 difference, and yet thou comest to trouble and disquiet30 me. Peace, in the devil’s name, peace. Thou shalt be permitted to speak thy bellyful when this man hath done, and no sooner. Go on, said he to Kissbreech; speak calmly, and do not overheat yourself with too much haste.
I perceiving, then, said Kissbreech, that the Pragmatical Sanction did make no mention of it, and that the holy Pope to everyone gave liberty to fart at his own ease, if that the blankets had no streaks31 wherein the liars32 were to be crossed with a ruffian-like crew, and, the rainbow being newly sharpened at Milan to bring forth33 larks34, gave his full consent that the good woman should tread down the heel of the hip-gut pangs35, by virtue of a solemn protestation put in by the little testiculated or codsted fishes, which, to tell the truth, were at that time very necessary for understanding the syntax and construction of old boots. Therefore John Calf37, her cousin gervais once removed with a log from the woodstack, very seriously advised her not to put herself into the hazard of quagswagging in the lee, to be scoured38 with a buck39 of linen40 clothes till first she had kindled41 the paper. This counsel she laid hold on, because he desired her to take nothing and throw out, for Non de ponte vadit, qui cum sapientia cadit. Matters thus standing36, seeing the masters of the chamber42 of accompts or members of that committee did not fully24 agree amongst themselves in casting up the number of the Almany whistles, whereof were framed those spectacles for princes which have been lately printed at Antwerp, I must needs think that it makes a bad return of the writ5, and that the adverse43 party is not to be believed, in sacer verbo dotis. For that, having a great desire to obey the pleasure of the king, I armed myself from toe to top with belly furniture, of the soles of good venison-pasties, to go see how my grape-gatherers and vintagers had pinked and cut full of small holes their high-coped caps, to lecher it the better, and play at in and in. And indeed the time was very dangerous in coming from the fair, in so far that many trained bowmen were cast at the muster44 and quite rejected, although the chimney-tops were high enough, according to the proportion of the windgalls in the legs of horses, or of the malanders, which in the esteem45 of expert farriers is no better disease, or else the story of Ronypatifam or Lamibaudichon, interpreted by some to be the tale of a tub or of a roasted horse, savours of apocrypha46, and is not an authentic47 history. And by this means there was that year great abundance, throughout all the country of Artois, of tawny48 buzzing beetles49, to the no small profit of the gentlemen-great-stick-faggot-carriers, when they did eat without disdaining50 the cocklicranes, till their belly was like to crack with it again. As for my own part, such is my Christian51 charity towards my neighbours, that I could wish from my heart everyone had as good a voice; it would make us play the better at the tennis and the balloon. And truly, my lord, to express the real truth without dissimulation52, I cannot but say that those petty subtle devices which are found out in the etymologizing of pattens would descend53 more easily into the river of Seine, to serve for ever at the millers’ bridge upon the said water, as it was heretofore decreed by the king of the Canarians, according to the sentence or judgment54 given thereupon, which is to be seen in the registry and records within the clerk’s office of this house.
And, therefore, my lord, I do most humbly55 require, that by your lordship there may be said and declared upon the case what is reasonable, with costs, damages, and interests. Then said Pantagruel, My friend, is this all you have to say? Kissbreech answered, Yes, my lord, for I have told all the tu autem, and have not varied56 at all upon mine honour in so much as one single word. You then, said Pantagruel, my Lord of Suckfist, say what you will, and be brief, without omitting, nevertheless, anything that may serve to the purpose.
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1
sterility
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| n.不生育，不结果，贫瘠，消毒，无菌 | |
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counterfeit
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| vt.伪造，仿造；adj.伪造的，假冒的 | |
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babbling
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| n.胡说，婴儿发出的咿哑声adj.胡说的v.喋喋不休( babble的现在分词 )；作潺潺声（如流水）；含糊不清地说话；泄漏秘密 | |
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despatch
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| n./v.(dispatch)派遣；发送；n.急件；新闻报道 | |
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writ
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| n.命令状，书面命令 | |
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writs
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| n.书面命令，令状( writ的名词复数 ) | |
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shreds
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| v.撕碎，切碎( shred的第三人称单数 )；用撕毁机撕毁（文件） | |
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gleaning
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| n.拾落穗，拾遗，落穗v.一点点地收集（资料、事实）( glean的现在分词 )；（收割后）拾穗 | |
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jig
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| n.快步舞（曲）；v.上下晃动；用夹具辅助加工；蹦蹦跳跳 | |
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10
wont
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| adj.习惯于；v.习惯；n.习惯 | |
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paltry
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| adj.无价值的，微不足道的 | |
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12
sergeant
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| n.警官，中士 | |
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13
propounded
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| v.提出（问题、计划等）供考虑[讨论]，提议( propound的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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inspection
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| n.检查，审查，检阅 | |
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respite
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| n.休息，中止，暂缓 | |
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fowl
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| n.家禽，鸡，禽肉 | |
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treacherous
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| adj.不可靠的，有暗藏的危险的；adj.背叛的，背信弃义的 | |
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ascending
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| adj.上升的，向上的 | |
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virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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fomented
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| v.激起，煽动（麻烦等）( foment的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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neatly
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| adv.整洁地，干净地，灵巧地，熟练地 | |
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22
grasshoppers
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| n.蚱蜢( grasshopper的名词复数 )；蝗虫；蚂蚱；（孩子）矮小的 | |
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locusts
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| n.蝗虫( locust的名词复数 )；贪吃的人；破坏者；槐树 | |
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fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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belly
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| n.肚子，腹部；(像肚子一样)鼓起的部分，膛 | |
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extremity
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| n.末端，尽头；尽力；终极；极度 | |
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toil
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| vi.辛劳工作，艰难地行动；n.苦工，难事 | |
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proceeding
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| n.行动，进行，(pl.)会议录，学报 | |
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mutual
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| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
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disquiet
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| n.担心，焦虑 | |
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31
streaks
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| n.（与周围有所不同的）条纹( streak的名词复数 )；（通常指不好的）特征（倾向）；（不断经历成功或失败的）一段时期v.快速移动( streak的第三人称单数 )；使布满条纹 | |
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32
liars
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| 说谎者( liar的名词复数 ) | |
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forth
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| adv.向前；向外，往外 | |
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larks
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| n.百灵科鸟（尤指云雀）( lark的名词复数 )；一大早就起床；鸡鸣即起；（因太费力而不想干时说）算了v.百灵科鸟（尤指云雀）( lark的第三人称单数 )；一大早就起床；鸡鸣即起；（因太费力而不想干时说）算了 | |
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pangs
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| 突然的剧痛( pang的名词复数 )； 悲痛 | |
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36
standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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37
calf
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| n.小牛，犊，幼仔，小牛皮 | |
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38
scoured
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| 走遍（某地）搜寻（人或物）( scour的过去式和过去分词 )； （用力）刷； 擦净； 擦亮 | |
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buck
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| n.雄鹿，雄兔；v.马离地跳跃 | |
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40
linen
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| n.亚麻布，亚麻线，亚麻制品；adj.亚麻布制的，亚麻的 | |
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41
kindled
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| （使某物）燃烧，着火( kindle的过去式和过去分词 )； 激起（感情等）； 发亮，放光 | |
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42
chamber
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| n.房间，寝室；会议厅；议院；会所 | |
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43
adverse
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| adj.不利的；有害的；敌对的，不友好的 | |
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44
muster
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| v.集合，收集，鼓起，激起；n.集合，检阅，集合人员，点名册 | |
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45
esteem
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| n.尊敬，尊重；vt.尊重，敬重；把…看作 | |
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46
apocrypha
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| n.伪经，伪书 | |
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47
authentic
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| a.真的，真正的；可靠的，可信的，有根据的 | |
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48
tawny
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| adj.茶色的，黄褐色的；n.黄褐色 | |
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49
beetles
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| n.甲虫( beetle的名词复数 ) | |
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50
disdaining
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| 鄙视( disdain的现在分词 )； 不屑于做，不愿意做 | |
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51
Christian
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| adj.基督教徒的；n.基督教徒 | |
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52
dissimulation
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| n.掩饰，虚伪，装糊涂 | |
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53
descend
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| vt./vi.传下来，下来，下降 | |
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54
judgment
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| n.审判；判断力，识别力，看法，意见 | |
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55
humbly
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| adv. 恭顺地，谦卑地 | |
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56
varied
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| adj.多样的，多变化的 | |
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