Indefatigable1 topers, and you, thrice precious martyrs2 of the smock, give me leave to put a serious question to your worships while you are idly striking your codpieces, and I myself not much better employed. Pray, why is it that people say that men are not such sots nowadays as they were in the days of yore? Sot is an old word that signifies a dunce, dullard, jolthead, gull4, wittol, or noddy, one without guts5 in his brains, whose cockloft is unfurnished, and, in short, a fool. Now would I know whether you would have us understand by this same saying, as indeed you logically may, that formerly6 men were fools and in this generation are grown wise? How many and what dispositions7 made them fools? How many and what dispositions were wanting to make ‘em wise? Why were they fools? How should they be wise? Pray, how came you to know that men were formerly fools? How did you find that they are now wise? Who the devil made ‘em fools? Who a God’s name made ‘em wise? Who d’ye think are most, those that loved mankind foolish, or those that love it wise? How long has it been wise? How long otherwise? Whence proceeded the foregoing folly9? Whence the following wisdom? Why did the old folly end now, and no later? Who did the modern wisdom begin now, and no sooner? What were we the worse for the former folly? What the better for the succeeding wisdom? How should the ancient folly be come to nothing? How should this same new wisdom be started up and established?
Now answer me, an’t please you. I dare not adjure10 you in stronger terms, reverend sirs, lest I make your pious11 fatherly worships in the least uneasy. Come, pluck up a good heart; speak the truth and shame the devil. Be cheery, my lads; and if you are for me, take me off three or five bumpers12 of the best, while I make a halt at the first part of the sermon; then answer my question. If you are not for me, avaunt! avoid, Satan! For I swear by my great-grandmother’s placket (and that’s a horrid14 oath), that if you don’t help me to solve that puzzling problem, I will, nay15, I already do repent16 having proposed it; for still I must remain nettled17 and gravelled, and a devil a bit I know how to get off. Well, what say you? I’faith, I begin to smell you out. You are not yet disposed to give me an answer; nor I neither, by these whiskers. Yet to give some light into the business, I’ll e’en tell you what had been anciently foretold18 in the matter by a venerable doctor, who, being moved by the spirit in a prophetic vein19, wrote a book ycleped the Prelatical Bagpipe20. What d’ye think the old fornicator saith? Hearken, you old noddies, hearken now or never.
The jubilee21’s year, when all like fools were shorn,
Is about thirty supernumerary.
O want of veneration22! fools they seemed,
But, persevering23, with long breves, at last
No more they shall be gaping24 greedy fools.
For they shall shell the shrub’s delicious fruit,
Whose flower they in the spring so much had feared.
Now you have it, what do you make on’t? The seer is ancient, the style laconic25, the sentences dark like those of Scotus, though they treat of matters dark enough in themselves. The best commentators26 on that good father take the jubilee after the thirtieth to be the years that are included in this present age till 1550 (there being but one jubilee every fifty years). Men shall no longer be thought fools next green peas season.
The fools, whose number, as Solomon certifies27, is infinite, shall go to pot like a parcel of mad bedlamites as they are; and all manner of folly shall have an end, that being also numberless, according to Avicenna, maniae infinitae sunt species. Having been driven back and hidden towards the centre during the rigour of the winter, ’tis now to be seen on the surface, and buds out like the trees. This is as plain as a nose in a man’s face; you know it by experience; you see it. And it was formerly found out by that great good man Hippocrates, Aphorism28 Verae etenim maniae, &c. This world therefore wisifying itself, shall no longer dread29 the flower and blossoms of every coming spring, that is, as you may piously30 believe, bumper13 in hand and tears in eyes, in the woeful time of Lent, which used to keep them company.
Whole cartloads of books that seemed florid, flourishing, and flowery, gay, and gaudy31 as so many butterflies, but in the main were tiresome32, dull, soporiferous, irksome, mischievous33, crabbed34, knotty35, puzzling, and dark as those of whining36 Heraclitus, as unintelligible37 as the numbers of Pythagoras, that king of the bean, according to Horace; those books, I say, have seen their best days and shall soon come to nothing, being delivered to the executing worms and merciless petty chandlers; such was their destiny, and to this they were predestinated.
In their stead beans in cod3 are started up; that is, these merry and fructifying38 Pantagruelian books, so much sought nowadays in expectation of the following jubilee’s period; to the study of which writings all people have given their minds, and accordingly have gained the name of wise.
Now I think I have fairly solved and resolved your problem; then reform, and be the better for it. Hem8 once or twice like hearts of oak; stand to your pan-puddings, and take me off your bumpers, nine go-downs, and huzza! since we are like to have a good vintage, and misers39 hang themselves. Oh! they will cost me an estate in hempen40 collars if fair weather hold. For I hereby promise to furnish them with twice as much as will do their business on free cost, as often as they will take the pains to dance at a rope’s end providently41 to save charges, to the no small disappointment of the finisher of the law.
Now, my friends, that you may put in for a share of this new wisdom, and shake off the antiquated42 folly this very moment, scratch me out of your scrolls43 and quite discard the symbol of the old philosopher with the golden thigh44, by which he has forbidden you to eat beans; for you may take it for a truth granted among all professors in the science of good eating, that he enjoined45 you not to taste of them only with the same kind intent that a certain fresh-water physician had when he did forbid to Amer, late Lord of Camelotiere, kinsman46 to the lawyer of that name, the wing of the partridge, the rump of the chicken, and the neck of the pigeon, saying, Ala mala, rumpum dubium, collum bonum, pelle remota. For the duncical dog-leech was so selfish as to reserve them for his own dainty chops, and allowed his poor patients little more than the bare bones to pick, lest they should overload47 their squeamish stomachs.
To the heathen philosopher succeeded a pack of Capuchins, monks48 who forbid us the use of beans, that is, Pantagruelian books. They seem to follow the example of Philoxenus and Gnatho, one of whom was a Sicilian of fulsome49 memory, the ancient master-builders of their monastic cram-gut voluptuousness50, who, when some dainty bit was served up at a feast, filthily51 used to spit on it, that none but their nasty selves might have the stomach to eat of it, though their liquorish chops watered never so much after it.
So those hideous52, snotty, phthisicky, eaves-dropping, musty, moving forms of mortification53, both in public and private, curse those dainty books, and like toads54 spit their venom55 upon them.
Now, though we have in our mother-tongue several excellent works in verse and prose, and, heaven be praised! but little left of the trash and trumpery56 stuff of those duncical mumblers of ave-maries and the barbarous foregoing Gothic age, I have made bold to choose to chirrup and warble my plain ditty, or, as they say, to whistle like a goose among the swans, rather than be thought deaf among so many pretty poets and eloquent57 orators58. And thus I am prouder of acting59 the clown, or any other under-part, among the many ingenious actors in that noble play, than of herding60 among those mutes, who, like so many shadows and ciphers61, only serve to fill up the house and make up a number, gaping and yawning at the flies, and pricking62 up their lugs63, like so many Arcadian asses64, at the striking up of the music; thus silently giving to understand that their fopships are tickled65 in the right place.
Having taken this resolution, I thought it would not be amiss to move my Diogenical tub, that you might not accuse me of living without example. I see a swarm66 of our modern poets and orators, your Colinets, Marots, Drouets, Saint Gelais, Salels, Masuels, and many more, who, having commenced masters in Apollo’s academy on Mount Parnassus, and drunk brimmers at the Caballin fountain among the nine merry Muses67, have raised our vulgar tongue, and made it a noble and everlasting68 structure. Their works are all Parian marble, alabaster69, porphyry, and royal cement; they treat of nothing but heroic deeds, mighty70 things, grave and difficult matters, and this in a crimson71, alamode, rhetorical style. Their writings are all divine nectar, rich, racy, sparkling, delicate, and luscious72 wine. Nor does our sex wholly engross73 this honour; ladies have had their share of the glory; one of them, of the royal blood of France, whom it were a profanation74 but to name here, surprises the age at once by the transcendent and inventive genius in her writings and the admirable graces of her style. Imitate those great examples if you can; for my part I cannot. Everyone, you know, cannot go to Corinth. When Solomon built the temple, all could not give gold by handfuls.
Since then ’tis not in my power to improve our architecture as much as they, I am e’en resolved to do like Renault of Montauban: I’ll wait on the masons, set on the pot for the masons, cook for the stone-cutters; and since it was not my good luck to be cut out for one of them, I will live and die the admirer of their divine writings.
As for you, little envious75 prigs, snarling76 bastards77, puny78 critics, you’ll soon have railed your last; go hang yourselves, and choose you out some well-spread oak, under whose shade you may swing in state, to the admiration79 of the gaping mob; you shall never want rope enough. While I here solemnly protest before my Helicon, in the presence of my nine mistresses the Muses, that if I live yet the age of a dog, eked80 out with that of three crows, sound wind and limbs, like the old Hebrew captain Moses, Xenophilus the musician, and Demonax the philosopher, by arguments no ways impertinent, and reasons not to be disputed, I will prove, in the teeth of a parcel of brokers81 and retailers82 of ancient rhapsodies and such mouldy trash, that our vulgar tongue is not so mean, silly, inept83, poor, barren, and contemptible84 as they pretend. Nor ought I to be afraid of I know not what botchers of old threadbare stuff, a hundred and a hundred times clouted85 up and pieced together; wretched bunglers that can do nothing but new-vamp old rusty86 saws; beggarly scavengers that rake even the muddiest canals of antiquity87 for scraps88 and bits of Latin as insignificant89 as they are often uncertain. Beseeching91 our grandees92 of Witland that, as when formerly Apollo had distributed all the treasures of his poetical93 exchequer94 to his favourites, little hulchbacked Aesop got for himself the office of apologue-monger; in the same manner, since I do not aspire95 higher, they would not deny me that of puny rhyparographer, or riffraff follower96 of the sect97 of Pyreicus.
I dare swear they will grant me this; for they are all so kind, so good-natured, and so generous, that they’ll ne’er boggle at so small a request. Therefore, both dry and hungry souls, pot and trenchermen, fully98 enjoying those books, perusing99, quoting them in their merry conventicles, and observing the great mysteries of which they treat, shall gain a singular profit and fame; as in the like case was done by Alexander the Great with the books of prime philosophy composed by Aristotle.
O rare! belly100 on belly! what swillers, what twisters will there be!
Then be sure all you that take care not to die of the pip, be sure, I say, you take my advice, and stock yourselves with good store of such books as soon as you meet with them at the booksellers; and do not only shell those beans, but e’en swallow them down like an opiate cordial, and let them be in you; I say, let them be within you; then you shall find, my beloved, what good they do to all clever shellers of beans.
Here is a good handsome basketful of them, which I here lay before your worships; they were gathered in the very individual garden whence the former came. So I beseech90 you, reverend sirs, with as much respect as was ever paid by dedicating author, to accept of the gift, in hopes of somewhat better against next visit the swallows give us.
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indefatigable
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| adj.不知疲倦的，不屈不挠的 | |
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martyrs
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| n.martyr的复数形式；烈士( martyr的名词复数 )；殉道者；殉教者；乞怜者（向人诉苦以博取同情） | |
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cod
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| n.鳕鱼；v.愚弄；哄骗 | |
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gull
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| n.鸥；受骗的人；v.欺诈 | |
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guts
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| v.狼吞虎咽，贪婪地吃，飞碟游戏（比赛双方每组5人，相距15码，互相掷接飞碟）；毁坏（建筑物等）的内部( gut的第三人称单数 )；取出…的内脏n.勇气( gut的名词复数 )；内脏；消化道的下段；肠 | |
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formerly
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| adv.从前，以前 | |
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dispositions
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| 安排( disposition的名词复数 )； 倾向； （财产、金钱的）处置； 气质 | |
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hem
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| n.贴边，镶边；vt.缝贴边；(in)包围，限制 | |
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folly
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| n.愚笨，愚蠢，蠢事，蠢行，傻话 | |
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adjure
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| v.郑重敦促(恳请) | |
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pious
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| adj.虔诚的；道貌岸然的 | |
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bumpers
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| （汽车上的）保险杠，缓冲器( bumper的名词复数 ) | |
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bumper
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| n.(汽车上的)保险杠；adj.特大的，丰盛的 | |
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horrid
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| adj.可怕的；令人惊恐的；恐怖的；极讨厌的 | |
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nay
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| adv.不；n.反对票，投反对票者 | |
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repent
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| v.悔悟，悔改，忏悔，后悔 | |
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nettled
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| v.拿荨麻打，拿荨麻刺（nettle的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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foretold
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| v.预言，预示( foretell的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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vein
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| n.血管，静脉；叶脉，纹理；情绪；vt.使成脉络 | |
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bagpipe
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| n.风笛 | |
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jubilee
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| n.周年纪念；欢乐 | |
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veneration
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| n.尊敬，崇拜 | |
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persevering
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| a.坚忍不拔的 | |
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gaping
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| adj.口的；张口的；敞口的；多洞穴的v.目瞪口呆地凝视( gape的现在分词 )；张开，张大 | |
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laconic
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| adj.简洁的；精练的 | |
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commentators
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| n.评论员( commentator的名词复数 )；时事评论员；注释者；实况广播员 | |
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certifies
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| （尤指书面）证明( certify的第三人称单数 )； 发证书给…； 证明（某人）患有精神病； 颁发（或授予）专业合格证书 | |
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aphorism
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| n.格言，警语 | |
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dread
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| vt.担忧，忧虑；惧怕，不敢；n.担忧，畏惧 | |
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piously
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| adv.虔诚地 | |
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gaudy
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| adj.华而不实的；俗丽的 | |
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tiresome
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| adj.令人疲劳的，令人厌倦的 | |
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mischievous
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| adj.调皮的，恶作剧的，有害的，伤人的 | |
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crabbed
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| adj.脾气坏的；易怒的；（指字迹）难辨认的；（字迹等）难辨认的v.捕蟹( crab的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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knotty
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| adj.有结的，多节的，多瘤的，棘手的 | |
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whining
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| n. 抱怨，牢骚 v. 哭诉，发牢骚 | |
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unintelligible
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| adj.无法了解的，难解的，莫明其妙的 | |
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fructifying
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| v.结果实( fructify的现在分词 )；使结果实，使多产，使土地肥沃 | |
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misers
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| 守财奴，吝啬鬼( miser的名词复数 ) | |
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hempen
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| adj. 大麻制的, 大麻的 | |
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providently
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| adv.有远虑地 | |
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antiquated
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| adj.陈旧的，过时的 | |
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scrolls
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| n.（常用于录写正式文件的）纸卷( scroll的名词复数 )；卷轴；涡卷形（装饰）；卷形花纹v.（电脑屏幕上）从上到下移动（资料等），卷页( scroll的第三人称单数 )；（似卷轴般）卷起；（像展开卷轴般地）将文字显示于屏幕 | |
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thigh
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| n.大腿；股骨 | |
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enjoined
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| v.命令( enjoin的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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kinsman
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| n.男亲属 | |
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overload
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| vt.使超载；n.超载 | |
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monks
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| n.修道士，僧侣( monk的名词复数 ) | |
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fulsome
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| adj.可恶的，虚伪的，过分恭维的 | |
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voluptuousness
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| n.风骚，体态丰满 | |
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filthily
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| adv.污秽地，丑恶地，不洁地 | |
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hideous
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| adj.丑陋的，可憎的，可怕的，恐怖的 | |
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mortification
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| n.耻辱，屈辱 | |
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toads
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| n.蟾蜍，癞蛤蟆( toad的名词复数 ) | |
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venom
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| n.毒液，恶毒，痛恨 | |
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trumpery
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| n.无价值的杂物；adj.（物品）中看不中用的 | |
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eloquent
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| adj.雄辩的，口才流利的；明白显示出的 | |
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orators
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| n.演说者，演讲家( orator的名词复数 ) | |
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acting
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| n.演戏，行为，假装；adj.代理的，临时的，演出用的 | |
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herding
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| 中畜群 | |
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ciphers
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| n.密码( cipher的名词复数 )；零；不重要的人；无价值的东西 | |
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pricking
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| 刺，刺痕，刺痛感 | |
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lugs
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| 钎柄 | |
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asses
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| n. 驴，愚蠢的人，臀部 adv. (常用作后置)用于贬损或骂人 | |
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tickled
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| （使）发痒( tickle的过去式和过去分词 )； （使）愉快，逗乐 | |
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swarm
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| n.(昆虫)等一大群；vi.成群飞舞；蜂拥而入 | |
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muses
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| v.沉思，冥想( muse的第三人称单数 )；沉思自语说（某事） | |
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everlasting
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| adj.永恒的，持久的，无止境的 | |
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alabaster
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| adj.雪白的；n.雪花石膏；条纹大理石 | |
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mighty
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| adj.强有力的；巨大的 | |
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crimson
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| n./adj.深(绯)红色(的)；vi.脸变绯红色 | |
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luscious
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| adj.美味的；芬芳的；肉感的，引与性欲的 | |
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engross
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| v.使全神贯注 | |
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profanation
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| n.亵渎 | |
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envious
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| adj.嫉妒的，羡慕的 | |
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snarling
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| v.（指狗）吠，嗥叫， （人）咆哮( snarl的现在分词 )；咆哮着说，厉声地说 | |
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bastards
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| 私生子( bastard的名词复数 )； 坏蛋； 讨厌的事物； 麻烦事 （认为别人走运或不幸时说）家伙 | |
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puny
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| adj.微不足道的，弱小的 | |
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admiration
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| n.钦佩，赞美，羡慕 | |
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80
eked
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| v.（靠节省用量）使…的供应持久( eke的过去式和过去分词 )；节约使用；竭力维持生计；勉强度日 | |
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brokers
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| n.（股票、外币等）经纪人( broker的名词复数 )；中间人；代理商；（订合同的）中人v.做掮客（或中人等）( broker的第三人称单数 )；作为权力经纪人进行谈判；以中间人等身份安排… | |
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82
retailers
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| 零售商，零售店( retailer的名词复数 ) | |
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inept
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| adj.不恰当的，荒谬的，拙劣的 | |
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contemptible
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| adj.可鄙的，可轻视的，卑劣的 | |
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85
clouted
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| adj.缀补的，凝固的v.（尤指用手）猛击，重打( clout的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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86
rusty
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| adj.生锈的；锈色的；荒废了的 | |
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antiquity
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| n.古老；高龄；古物，古迹 | |
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88
scraps
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| 油渣 | |
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insignificant
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| adj.无关紧要的，可忽略的，无意义的 | |
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beseech
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| v.祈求，恳求 | |
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beseeching
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| adj.恳求似的v.恳求，乞求（某事物）( beseech的现在分词 ) | |
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grandees
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| n.贵族，大公，显贵者( grandee的名词复数 ) | |
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poetical
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| adj.似诗人的；诗一般的；韵文的；富有诗意的 | |
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exchequer
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| n.财政部；国库 | |
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aspire
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| vi.(to，after)渴望，追求，有志于 | |
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follower
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| n.跟随者；随员；门徒；信徒 | |
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sect
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| n.派别，宗教，学派，派系 | |
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fully
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| adv.完全地，全部地，彻底地；充分地 | |
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perusing
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| v.读（某篇文字）( peruse的现在分词 )；（尤指）细阅；审阅；匆匆读或心不在焉地浏览（某篇文字） | |
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belly
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| n.肚子，腹部；(像肚子一样)鼓起的部分，膛 | |
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