Several contrivances of the author to please the king and queen. He shows his skill in music. The king inquires into the state of England, which the author relates to him. The king’s observations thereon.
I used to attend the king’s levee once or twice a week, and had often seen him under the barber’s hand, which indeed was at first very terrible to behold1; for the razor was almost twice as long as an ordinary scythe2. His majesty3, according to the custom of the country, was only shaved twice a-week. I once prevailed on the barber to give me some of the suds or lather4, out of which I picked forty or fifty of the strongest stumps5 of hair. I then took a piece of fine wood, and cut it like the back of a comb, making several holes in it at equal distances with as small a needle as I could get from Glumdalclitch. I fixed6 in the stumps so artificially, scraping and sloping them with my knife toward the points, that I made a very tolerable comb; which was a seasonable supply, my own being so much broken in the teeth, that it was almost useless: neither did I know any artist in that country so nice and exact, as would undertake to make me another.
And this puts me in mind of an amusement, wherein I spent many of my leisure hours. I desired the queen’s woman to save for me the combings of her majesty’s hair, whereof in time I got a good quantity; and consulting with my friend the cabinet-maker, who had received general orders to do little jobs for me, I directed him to make two chair-frames, no larger than those I had in my box, and to bore little holes with a fine awl7, round those parts where I designed the backs and seats; through these holes I wove the strongest hairs I could pick out, just after the manner of cane8 chairs in England. When they were finished, I made a present of them to her majesty; who kept them in her cabinet, and used to show them for curiosities, as indeed they were the wonder of every one that beheld9 them. The queen would have me sit upon one of these chairs, but I absolutely refused to obey her, protesting I would rather die than place a dishonourable part of my body on those precious hairs, that once adorned10 her majesty’s head. Of these hairs (as I had always a mechanical genius) I likewise made a neat little purse, about five feet long, with her majesty’s name deciphered in gold letters, which I gave to Glumdalclitch, by the queen’s consent. To say the truth, it was more for show than use, being not of strength to bear the weight of the larger coins, and therefore she kept nothing in it but some little toys that girls are fond of.
The king, who delighted in music, had frequent concerts at court, to which I was sometimes carried, and set in my box on a table to hear them: but the noise was so great that I could hardly distinguish the tunes11. I am confident that all the drums and trumpets13 of a royal army, beating and sounding together just at your ears, could not equal it. My practice was to have my box removed from the place where the performers sat, as far as I could, then to shut the doors and windows of it, and draw the window curtains; after which I found their music not disagreeable.
I had learned in my youth to play a little upon the spinet14. Glumdalclitch kept one in her chamber15, and a master attended twice a-week to teach her: I called it a spinet, because it somewhat resembled that instrument, and was played upon in the same manner. A fancy came into my head, that I would entertain the king and queen with an English tune12 upon this instrument. But this appeared extremely difficult: for the spinet was near sixty feet long, each key being almost a foot wide, so that with my arms extended I could not reach to above five keys, and to press them down required a good smart stroke with my fist, which would be too great a labour, and to no purpose. The method I contrived16 was this: I prepared two round sticks, about the bigness of common cudgels; they were thicker at one end than the other, and I covered the thicker ends with pieces of a mouse’s skin, that by rapping on them I might neither damage the tops of the keys nor interrupt the sound. Before the spinet a bench was placed, about four feet below the keys, and I was put upon the bench. I ran sideling upon it, that way and this, as fast as I could, banging the proper keys with my two sticks, and made a shift to play a jig17, to the great satisfaction of both their majesties19; but it was the most violent exercise I ever underwent; and yet I could not strike above sixteen keys, nor consequently play the bass20 and treble together, as other artists do; which was a great disadvantage to my performance.
The king, who, as I before observed, was a prince of excellent understanding, would frequently order that I should be brought in my box, and set upon the table in his closet: he would then command me to bring one of my chairs out of the box, and sit down within three yards distance upon the top of the cabinet, which brought me almost to a level with his face. In this manner I had several conversations with him. I one day took the freedom to tell his majesty, “that the contempt he discovered towards Europe, and the rest of the world, did not seem answerable to those excellent qualities of mind that he was master of; that reason did not extend itself with the bulk of the body; on the contrary, we observed in our country, that the tallest persons were usually the least provided with it; that among other animals, bees and ants had the reputation of more industry, art, and sagacity, than many of the larger kinds; and that, as inconsiderable as he took me to be, I hoped I might live to do his majesty some signal service.” The king heard me with attention, and began to conceive a much better opinion of me than he had ever before. He desired “I would give him as exact an account of the government of England as I possibly could; because, as fond as princes commonly are of their own customs (for so he conjectured23 of other monarchs24, by my former discourses), he should be glad to hear of any thing that might deserve imitation.”
Imagine with thyself, courteous26 reader, how often I then wished for the tongue of Demosthenes or Cicero, that might have enabled me to celebrate the praise of my own dear native country in a style equal to its merits and felicity.
I began my discourse25 by informing his majesty, that our dominions27 consisted of two islands, which composed three mighty28 kingdoms, under one sovereign, beside our plantations29 in America. I dwelt long upon the fertility of our soil, and the temperature of our climate. I then spoke30 at large upon the constitution of an English parliament; partly made up of an illustrious body called the House of Peers; persons of the noblest blood, and of the most ancient and ample patrimonies32. I described that extraordinary care always taken of their education in arts and arms, to qualify them for being counsellors both to the king and kingdom; to have a share in the legislature; to be members of the highest court of judicature, whence there can be no appeal; and to be champions always ready for the defence of their prince and country, by their valour, conduct, and fidelity33. That these were the ornament34 and bulwark35 of the kingdom, worthy36 followers37 of their most renowned38 ancestors, whose honour had been the reward of their virtue39, from which their posterity40 were never once known to degenerate41. To these were joined several holy persons, as part of that assembly, under the title of bishops42, whose peculiar43 business is to take care of religion, and of those who instruct the people therein. These were searched and sought out through the whole nation, by the prince and his wisest counsellors, among such of the priesthood as were most deservedly distinguished44 by the sanctity of their lives, and the depth of their erudition; who were indeed the spiritual fathers of the clergy45 and the people.
That the other part of the parliament consisted of an assembly called the House of Commons, who were all principal gentlemen, freely picked and culled46 out by the people themselves, for their great abilities and love of their country, to represent the wisdom of the whole nation. And that these two bodies made up the most august assembly in Europe; to whom, in conjunction with the prince, the whole legislature is committed.
I then descended47 to the courts of justice; over which the judges, those venerable sages48 and interpreters of the law, presided, for determining the disputed rights and properties of men, as well as for the punishment of vice22 and protection of innocence49. I mentioned the prudent50 management of our treasury51; the valour and achievements of our forces, by sea and land. I computed52 the number of our people, by reckoning how many millions there might be of each religious sect53, or political party among us. I did not omit even our sports and pastimes, or any other particular which I thought might redound54 to the honour of my country. And I finished all with a brief historical account of affairs and events in England for about a hundred years past.
This conversation was not ended under five audiences, each of several hours; and the king heard the whole with great attention, frequently taking notes of what I spoke, as well as memorandums of what questions he intended to ask me.
When I had put an end to these long discources, his majesty, in a sixth audience, consulting his notes, proposed many doubts, queries55, and objections, upon every article. He asked, “What methods were used to cultivate the minds and bodies of our young nobility, and in what kind of business they commonly spent the first and teachable parts of their lives? What course was taken to supply that assembly, when any noble family became extinct? What qualifications were necessary in those who are to be created new lords: whether the humour of the prince, a sum of money to a court lady, or a design of strengthening a party opposite to the public interest, ever happened to be the motive56 in those advancements57? What share of knowledge these lords had in the laws of their country, and how they came by it, so as to enable them to decide the properties of their fellow-subjects in the last resort? Whether they were always so free from avarice58, partialities, or want, that a bribe59, or some other sinister60 view, could have no place among them? Whether those holy lords I spoke of were always promoted to that rank upon account of their knowledge in religious matters, and the sanctity of their lives; had never been compliers with the times, while they were common priests; or slavish prostitute chaplains to some nobleman, whose opinions they continued servilely to follow, after they were admitted into that assembly?”
He then desired to know, “What arts were practised in electing those whom I called commoners: whether a stranger, with a strong purse, might not influence the vulgar voters to choose him before their own landlord, or the most considerable gentleman in the neighbourhood? How it came to pass, that people were so violently bent62 upon getting into this assembly, which I allowed to be a great trouble and expense, often to the ruin of their families, without any salary or pension? because this appeared such an exalted63 strain of virtue and public spirit, that his majesty seemed to doubt it might possibly not be always sincere.” And he desired to know, “Whether such zealous64 gentlemen could have any views of refunding65 themselves for the charges and trouble they were at by sacrificing the public good to the designs of a weak and vicious prince, in conjunction with a corrupted66 ministry67?” He multiplied his questions, and sifted68 me thoroughly69 upon every part of this head, proposing numberless inquiries70 and objections, which I think it not prudent or convenient to repeat.
Upon what I said in relation to our courts of justice, his majesty desired to be satisfied in several points: and this I was the better able to do, having been formerly71 almost ruined by a long suit in chancery, which was decreed for me with costs. He asked, “What time was usually spent in determining between right and wrong, and what degree of expense? Whether advocates and orators72 had liberty to plead in causes manifestly known to be unjust, vexatious, or oppressive? Whether party, in religion or politics, were observed to be of any weight in the scale of justice? Whether those pleading orators were persons educated in the general knowledge of equity73, or only in provincial74, national, and other local customs? Whether they or their judges had any part in penning those laws, which they assumed the liberty of interpreting, and glossing75 upon at their pleasure? Whether they had ever, at different times, pleaded for and against the same cause, and cited precedents76 to prove contrary opinions? Whether they were a rich or a poor corporation? Whether they received any pecuniary77 reward for pleading, or delivering their opinions? And particularly, whether they were ever admitted as members in the lower senate?”
He fell next upon the management of our treasury; and said, “he thought my memory had failed me, because I computed our taxes at about five or six millions a-year, and when I came to mention the issues, he found they sometimes amounted to more than double; for the notes he had taken were very particular in this point, because he hoped, as he told me, that the knowledge of our conduct might be useful to him, and he could not be deceived in his calculations. But, if what I told him were true, he was still at a loss how a kingdom could run out of its estate, like a private person.” He asked me, “who were our creditors78; and where we found money to pay them?” He wondered to hear me talk of such chargeable and expensive wars; “that certainly we must be a quarrelsome people, or live among very bad neighbours, and that our generals must needs be richer than our kings.” He asked, what business we had out of our own islands, unless upon the score of trade, or treaty, or to defend the coasts with our fleet?” Above all, he was amazed to hear me talk of a mercenary standing21 army, in the midst of peace, and among a free people. He said, “if we were governed by our own consent, in the persons of our representatives, he could not imagine of whom we were afraid, or against whom we were to fight; and would hear my opinion, whether a private man’s house might not be better defended by himself, his children, and family, than by half-a-dozen rascals79, picked up at a venture in the streets for small wages, who might get a hundred times more by cutting their throats?”
He laughed at my “odd kind of arithmetic,” as he was pleased to call it, “in reckoning the numbers of our people, by a computation drawn80 from the several sects81 among us, in religion and politics.” He said, “he knew no reason why those, who entertain opinions prejudicial to the public, should be obliged to change, or should not be obliged to conceal82 them. And as it was tyranny in any government to require the first, so it was weakness not to enforce the second: for a man may be allowed to keep poisons in his closet, but not to vend83 them about for cordials.”
He observed, “that among the diversions of our nobility and gentry84, I had mentioned gaming: he desired to know at what age this entertainment was usually taken up, and when it was laid down; how much of their time it employed; whether it ever went so high as to affect their fortunes; whether mean, vicious people, by their dexterity85 in that art, might not arrive at great riches, and sometimes keep our very nobles in dependence86, as well as habituate them to vile61 companions, wholly take them from the improvement of their minds, and force them, by the losses they received, to learn and practise that infamous87 dexterity upon others?”
He was perfectly88 astonished with the historical account gave him of our affairs during the last century; protesting “it was only a heap of conspiracies89, rebellions, murders, massacres90, revolutions, banishments, the very worst effects that avarice, faction18, hypocrisy91, perfidiousness92, cruelty, rage, madness, hatred93, envy, lust31, malice94, and ambition, could produce.”
His majesty, in another audience, was at the pains to recapitulate95 the sum of all I had spoken; compared the questions he made with the answers I had given; then taking me into his hands, and stroking me gently, delivered himself in these words, which I shall never forget, nor the manner he spoke them in: “My little friend Grildrig, you have made a most admirable panegyric96 upon your country; you have clearly proved, that ignorance, idleness, and vice, are the proper ingredients for qualifying a legislator; that laws are best explained, interpreted, and applied97, by those whose interest and abilities lie in perverting98, confounding, and eluding99 them. I observe among you some lines of an institution, which, in its original, might have been tolerable, but these half erased100, and the rest wholly blurred101 and blotted102 by corruptions103. It does not appear, from all you have said, how any one perfection is required toward the procurement104 of any one station among you; much less, that men are ennobled on account of their virtue; that priests are advanced for their piety105 or learning; soldiers, for their conduct or valour; judges, for their integrity; senators, for the love of their country; or counsellors for their wisdom. As for yourself,” continued the king, “who have spent the greatest part of your life in travelling, I am well disposed to hope you may hitherto have escaped many vices106 of your country. But by what I have gathered from your own relation, and the answers I have with much pains wrung107 and extorted108 from you, I cannot but conclude the bulk of your natives to be the most pernicious race of little odious109 vermin that nature ever suffered to crawl upon the surface of the earth.”
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behold
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| v.看，注视，看到 | |
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scythe
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| n. 长柄的大镰刀，战车镰； v. 以大镰刀割 | |
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majesty
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| n.雄伟，壮丽，庄严，威严；最高权威，王权 | |
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lather
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| n.(肥皂水的)泡沫，激动 | |
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stumps
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| （被砍下的树的）树桩( stump的名词复数 )； 残肢； （板球三柱门的）柱； 残余部分 | |
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fixed
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| adj.固定的，不变的，准备好的；(计算机)固定的 | |
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awl
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| n.尖钻 | |
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cane
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| n.手杖，细长的茎，藤条；v.以杖击，以藤编制的 | |
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beheld
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| v.看，注视( behold的过去式和过去分词 )；瞧；看呀；（叙述中用于引出某人意外的出现）哎哟 | |
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adorned
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| [计]被修饰的 | |
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tunes
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| n.曲调，曲子( tune的名词复数 )v.调音( tune的第三人称单数 )；调整；（给收音机、电视等）调谐；使协调 | |
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tune
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| n.调子；和谐，协调；v.调音，调节，调整 | |
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trumpets
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| 喇叭( trumpet的名词复数 )； 小号； 喇叭形物； （尤指）绽开的水仙花 | |
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spinet
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| n.小型立式钢琴 | |
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chamber
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| n.房间，寝室；会议厅；议院；会所 | |
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contrived
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| adj.不自然的，做作的；虚构的 | |
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jig
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| n.快步舞（曲）；v.上下晃动；用夹具辅助加工；蹦蹦跳跳 | |
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faction
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| n.宗派，小集团；派别；派系斗争 | |
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majesties
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| n.雄伟( majesty的名词复数 )；庄严；陛下；王权 | |
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bass
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| n.男低音(歌手)；低音乐器；低音大提琴 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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vice
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| n.坏事；恶习；[pl.]台钳，老虎钳；adj.副的 | |
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conjectured
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| 推测，猜测，猜想( conjecture的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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monarchs
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| 君主，帝王( monarch的名词复数 ) | |
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discourse
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| n.论文，演说；谈话；话语；vi.讲述，著述 | |
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courteous
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| adj.彬彬有礼的，客气的 | |
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dominions
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| 统治权( dominion的名词复数 )； 领土； 疆土； 版图 | |
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mighty
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| adj.强有力的；巨大的 | |
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plantations
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| n.种植园，大农场( plantation的名词复数 ) | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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lust
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| n.性(淫)欲；渴(欲)望；vi.对…有强烈的欲望 | |
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patrimonies
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| n.祖传的财物，继承物，遗产( patrimony的名词复数 ) | |
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fidelity
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| n.忠诚，忠实；精确 | |
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ornament
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| v.装饰，美化；n.装饰，装饰物 | |
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bulwark
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| n.堡垒，保障，防御 | |
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worthy
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| adj.(of)值得的，配得上的；有价值的 | |
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followers
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| 追随者( follower的名词复数 )； 用户； 契据的附面； 从动件 | |
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renowned
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| adj.著名的，有名望的，声誉鹊起的 | |
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virtue
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| n.德行，美德；贞操；优点；功效，效力 | |
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posterity
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| n.后裔，子孙，后代 | |
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degenerate
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| v.退步，堕落；adj.退步的，堕落的；n.堕落者 | |
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bishops
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| （基督教某些教派管辖大教区的）主教( bishop的名词复数 )； （国际象棋的）象 | |
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peculiar
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| adj.古怪的，异常的；特殊的，特有的 | |
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distinguished
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| adj.卓越的，杰出的，著名的 | |
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clergy
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| n.[总称]牧师，神职人员 | |
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culled
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| v.挑选，剔除( cull的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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descended
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| a.为...后裔的，出身于...的 | |
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sages
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| n.圣人( sage的名词复数 )；智者；哲人；鼠尾草（可用作调料） | |
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innocence
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| n.无罪；天真；无害 | |
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prudent
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| adj.谨慎的，有远见的，精打细算的 | |
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treasury
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| n.宝库；国库，金库；文库 | |
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computed
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| adj.[医]计算的，使用计算机的v.计算，估算( compute的过去式和过去分词 ) | |
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sect
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| n.派别，宗教，学派，派系 | |
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redound
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| v.有助于；提；报应 | |
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queries
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| n.问题( query的名词复数 )；疑问；询问；问号v.质疑，对…表示疑问( query的第三人称单数 )；询问 | |
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motive
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| n.动机，目的；adv.发动的，运动的 | |
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advancements
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| n.（级别的）晋升( advancement的名词复数 )；前进；进展；促进 | |
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avarice
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| n.贪婪；贪心 | |
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bribe
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| n.贿赂；v.向…行贿，买通 | |
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sinister
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| adj.不吉利的，凶恶的，左边的 | |
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vile
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| adj.卑鄙的，可耻的，邪恶的；坏透的 | |
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bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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exalted
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| adj.(地位等)高的，崇高的；尊贵的，高尚的 | |
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zealous
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| adj.狂热的，热心的 | |
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refunding
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| n.借新债还旧债；再融资；债务延展；发行新债券取代旧债券v.归还，退还( refund的现在分词 ) | |
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corrupted
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| （使）败坏( corrupt的过去式和过去分词 )； （使）腐化； 引起（计算机文件等的）错误； 破坏 | |
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ministry
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| n.(政府的)部；牧师 | |
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sifted
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| v.筛( sift的过去式和过去分词 )；筛滤；细查；详审 | |
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thoroughly
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| adv.完全地，彻底地，十足地 | |
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inquiries
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| n.调查( inquiry的名词复数 )；疑问；探究；打听 | |
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formerly
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| adv.从前，以前 | |
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orators
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| n.演说者，演讲家( orator的名词复数 ) | |
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equity
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| n.公正，公平，（无固定利息的）股票 | |
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provincial
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| adj.省的，地方的；n．外省人，乡下人 | |
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glossing
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| v.注解( gloss的现在分词 )；掩饰（错误）；粉饰；把…搪塞过去 | |
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precedents
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| 引用单元； 范例( precedent的名词复数 )； 先前出现的事例； 前例； 先例 | |
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pecuniary
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| adj.金钱的；金钱上的 | |
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creditors
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| n.债权人，债主( creditor的名词复数 ) | |
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rascals
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| 流氓( rascal的名词复数 )； 无赖； （开玩笑说法）淘气的人（尤指小孩）； 恶作剧的人 | |
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drawn
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| v.拖，拉，拔出；adj.憔悴的，紧张的 | |
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sects
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| n.宗派，教派( sect的名词复数 ) | |
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conceal
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| v.隐藏，隐瞒，隐蔽 | |
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vend
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| v.公开表明观点，出售，贩卖 | |
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gentry
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| n.绅士阶级，上层阶级 | |
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dexterity
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| n.(手的)灵巧，灵活 | |
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dependence
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| n.依靠，依赖；信任，信赖；隶属 | |
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infamous
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| adj.声名狼藉的，臭名昭著的，邪恶的 | |
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perfectly
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| adv.完美地，无可非议地，彻底地 | |
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conspiracies
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| n.阴谋，密谋( conspiracy的名词复数 ) | |
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massacres
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| 大屠杀( massacre的名词复数 )； 惨败 | |
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hypocrisy
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| n.伪善，虚伪 | |
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perfidiousness
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| n. 不忠 | |
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hatred
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| n.憎恶，憎恨，仇恨 | |
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malice
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| n.恶意，怨恨，蓄意；[律]预谋 | |
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recapitulate
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| v.节述要旨，择要说明 | |
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panegyric
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| n.颂词，颂扬 | |
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applied
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| adj.应用的；v.应用，适用 | |
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perverting
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| v.滥用( pervert的现在分词 )；腐蚀；败坏；使堕落 | |
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eluding
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| v.（尤指机敏地）避开( elude的现在分词 )；逃避；躲避；使达不到 | |
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erased
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| v.擦掉( erase的过去式和过去分词 )；抹去；清除 | |
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blurred
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| v.（使）变模糊( blur的过去式和过去分词 )；（使）难以区分；模模糊糊；迷离 | |
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blotted
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| 涂污( blot的过去式和过去分词 )； （用吸墨纸）吸干 | |
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103
corruptions
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| n.堕落( corruption的名词复数 )；腐化；腐败；贿赂 | |
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104
procurement
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| n.采购；获得 | |
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piety
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| n.虔诚，虔敬 | |
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106
vices
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| 缺陷( vice的名词复数 )； 恶习； 不道德行为； 台钳 | |
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107
wrung
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| 绞( wring的过去式和过去分词 )； 握紧（尤指别人的手）； 把（湿衣服）拧干； 绞掉（水） | |
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108
extorted
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| v.敲诈( extort的过去式和过去分词 )；曲解 | |
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109
odious
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| adj.可憎的，讨厌的 | |
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