I do not believe that I was sincere for a single instant. Our plans were impossible, and I knewit, for even if Rheya could leave the Station and survive the voyage, how could I have gotthrough the immigration checks with my clandestine6 passenger? Earth admits only humanbeings, and even then only when they carry the necessary papers. Rheya would be detained foran identity check at the first barrier, we would be separated, and she would give herself away atonce. The Station was the one place where we could live together. Rheya must have knownthat, or found it out.
One night I heard Rheya get out of bed silently. I wanted to stop her; in the darkness andsilence we occasionally managed to throw off our despair for a while by making each otherforget. Rheya did not notice that I had woken up. When I stretched my hand out, she wasalready out of bed, and walking bare-foot towards the door. Without daring to raise my voice, Iwhispered her name, but she was outside, and a narrow shaft7 of light shone through thedoorway from the corridor.
There was a sound of whispering. Rheya was talking to somebody…but whom? Panicovertook me when I tried to stand up, and my legs would not move. I listened, but heardnothing. The blood hammered through my temples. I started counting, and was approaching athousand when there was a movement in the doorway8 and Rheya returned. She stood there fora second without moving, and I made myself breathe evenly.
"Kris?" she whispered.
I did not answer.
She slid quickly into bed and lay down, taking care not to disturb me. Questions buzzed in mymind, but I would not let myself be the first to speak, and made no move. The silentquestioning went on for an hour, maybe more. Then I fell asleep.
The morning was like any other. I watched Rheya furtively9, but could not see any change inher behavior. After breakfast, we sat at the big panoramic10 window. The Station was hoveringamong purple clouds. Rheya was reading, and as I stared out I suddenly noticed that by holdingmy head at a certain angle I could see us both reflected in the window. I took my hand off therail. Rheya had no idea that I was watching her. She glanced at me, obviously decided12 from myposture that I was looking at the ocean, then bent13 to kiss the place where my hand had rested.
In a moment she was reading her book again.
"Rheya," I asked gently, "where did you go last night?""Last night?""Yes.""You…you must have been dreaming, Kris. I didn't go anywhere.""You didn't leave the cabin?""No. It must have been a dream.""Perhaps…yes, perhaps I dreamt it."The same evening, I started talking about our return to Earth again, but Rheya stopped me:
"Don't talk to me about the journey again, Kris. I don't want to hear any more about it, youknow very well…""What?""No, nothing."After we went to bed, she said that she was thirsty:
"There's a glass of fruit-juice on the table over there. Could you give it to me?" She drank halfof it then handed it to me.
"I'm not thirsty.""Drink to my health then," she smiled.
It tasted slightly bitter, but my mind was on other things. She switched the light off.
"Rheya…If you won't talk about the voyage, let's talk about something else.""If I did not exist, would you marry?""No.""Never?""Never.""Why not?""I don't know. I was by myself for ten years and I didn't marry again. Let's not talk aboutthat…" My head was spinning as if I had been drinking too much.
"No, let's talk about it. What if I begged you to?""To marry again? Don't be silly, Rheya. I don't need anybody except you."I felt her breath on my face and her arms holding me:
"Say it another way.""I love you."Her head fell to my shoulder, and I felt tears.
"Rheya, what's the matter?""Nothing…nothing…nothing…" Her voice echoed into silence, and my eyes closed.
The red dawn woke me with a splitting head and a neck so stiff that I felt as if the bones werewelded together. My tongue was swollen14, and my mouth felt foul15. Then I reached out forRheya, and my hand touched a cold sheet.
I sat up with a start.
I was alone—alone in bed and in the cabin. The concave window reflected a row of red suns. Idragged myself out of bed and staggered over to the bathroom, reeling like a drunkard andpropping myself up on the furniture. It was empty. So was the workshop.
"Rheya!"Calling, running up and down the corridor.
"Rheya!" I screamed, one last time, then my voice gave out. I already knew the truth…I do not remember the exact sequence of events after that, as I stumbled half naked through allthe length and breadth of the Station. It seems to me that I even went into the refrigerationsection, searched through the storage rooms, hammered with my fists on bolted doors, thencame back again to throw myself against doors which had already resisted me. I half-fell downflights of steps, picked myself up and hurried onwards. When I reached the double armoureddoors which opened onto the ocean I was still calling, still hoping that it was a dream.
Somebody was standing16 by me. Hands took hold of me and pulled me away.
I came to my senses again lying on a metal table in the little workshop and gasping17 for breath.
My throat and nostrils18 were burning with some alcoholic19 vapor20, my shirt was soaked in water,and my hair plastered over my skull21.
Snow was busy at a medicine cupboard, shifting instruments and glass vessels22 which clatteredwith an unbearable23 din11. Then his face appeared, looking gravely down into my eyes.
"Where is she?""She is not here.""But…Rheya…"He bent over me, brought his face closer, and spoke24 very slowly and clearly:
"Rheya is dead.""She will come back," I whispered.
Instead of dreading25 her return, I wanted it. I did not attempt to remind myself why I myself hadonce tried to drive her away, and why I had been so afraid of her return.
"Drink this."Snow held out a glass, and I threw it in his face. He staggered back, rubbing his eyes, and bythe time he opened them again I was on my feet and standing over him. How small he was…"It was you.""What do you mean?""Come on Snow, you know what I mean. It was you who met her the other night. You told herto give me a sleeping pill…What has happened to her? Tell me!"He felt in his shirt-pocket and took out an envelope. I snatched it out of his hand. It was sealed,and there was no inscription26. Inside was a sheet of paper folded twice, and I recognized thesprawling, rather childish handwriting:
"My darling, I was the one who asked him. He is a good man. I am sorry I had to lie to you. Ibeg you to give me this one wish—hear him out, and do nothing to harm yourself. You havebeen marvellous."There was one more word, which she had crossed out, but I could see that she had signed"Rheya."My mind was now absolutely clear. Even if I had wanted to scream hysterically27, my voice hadgone, and I did not even have the strength to groan28.
"How…?""Later, Kelvin. You've got to calm down.""I'm calm now. Tell me how.""Disintegration29.""But…what did you use?""The Roche apparatus30 was unsuitable. Sartorius built something else, a new destabilizer. Aminiature instrument, with a range of a few yards.""And she…""She disappeared. A pop, and a puff31 of air. That's all.""A short-range instrument…""Yes, we didn't have the resources for anything bigger."The walls loomed32 over me, and I shut my eyes.
"She will come back.""No.""What do you know about it?""You remember the wings of foam33? Since that day, they do not come back.""You killed her," I whispered.
"Yes…In my place, what else would you have done?"I turned away from him and began pacing up and down the room. Nine steps to the corner.
About turn. Nine more rapid steps, and I was facing Snow again.
"Listen, we'll write a report. We'll ask for an immediate34 link with the Council. It's feasible, andthey'll accept—they must. The planet will no longer be subject to the four-power convention.
We'll be authorized35 to use any means at our disposal. We can send for anti-matter generators36.
Nothing can stand up against them, nothing…" I was shouting now, and blinded with tears.
"You want to destroy it? Why?""Get out, leave me alone!""No, I won't get out.""Snow!" I glared at him, and he shook his head. "What do you want? What am I supposed todo?" He walked back to the table.
"Fine, we'll draw up a report."I started pacing again.
"Sit down!""I'll do what I like!""There are two distinct questions. One, the facts. Two, our recommendations.""Do we have to talk about it now?""Yes, now.""I won't listen, you hear? I'm not interested in your distinctions.""We sent our last message about two months ago, before Gibarian's death. We'll have toestablish exactly how the 'visitor' phenomena37 function…"I grabbed his arm:
"Will you shut up!""Hit me if you like, but I will not shut up.""Oh, talk away, if it gives you pleasure…" I let him go.
"Good, listen. Sartorius will want to conceal38 certain facts. I'm almost certain of it.""And what about you? Won't you conceal anything?""No. Not now. This business goes further than individual responsibilities. You know that aswell as I do. 'It' has given a demonstration39 of considered activity. It is capable of carrying outorganic synthesis on the most complex level, a synthesis we ourselves have never managed toachieve. It knows the structure, micro-structure and metabolism40 of our bodies…""All right…But why stop there? It has performed a series of…experiments on us. Psychicvivisection. It has used knowledge which it stole from our minds without our consent.""Those are not facts, Kelvin. They are not even propositions. They are theories. You could saythat it has taken account of desires locked into secret recesses41 of our brains. Perhaps it wassending us…presents.""Presents! My God!" I shook with a fit of uncontrollable laughter.
"Take it easy!" Snow took hold of my hand, and I tightened42 my grip until I heard bonescracking. He went on looking at me without any change of expression. I let go, and walkedover to a corner of the workshop:
"I'll try to get hold of myself.""Yes, of course. I understand. What do we ask them?""I leave it to you…I can't think straight right now. Did she say anything—before?""No, nothing. If you want my opinion, from now on we stand a chance.""A chance? What chance?" I stared at him, and light suddenly dawned. "Contact? StillContact? Haven't you had enough of this madhouse? What more do you need? No, it's out ofthe question. Count me out!""Why not," he asked quietly. "You yourself instinctively43 treat it like a human being, now morethan ever. You hate it.""And you don't?""No, Kelvin. It is blind."—I thought that I might not have heard him correctly—"…or rather it'sees' in a different way from ourselves. We do not exist for it in the same sense that we existfor each other. We recognize one another by the appearance of the face and the body. Thatappearance is a transparent44 window to the ocean. It introduces itself directly into the brain.""Right, what if it does? What are you driving at? It succeeded in recreating a human being whoexists only in my memory, and so accurately45 that her eyes, her gestures, her voice…""Don't stop. Talk.""I'm talking…Her voice…because it is able to read us like a book. You see what I mean?""Yes, that it could make itself understood.""Doesn't that follow?""No, not necessarily. Perhaps it used a formula which is not expressed in verbal terms. It maybe taken from a recording46 imprinted47 on our minds, but a man's memory is stored in terms ofnucleic acids etching asynchronous large-moleculed crystals. 'It' removed the deepest, mostisolated imprint48, the most 'assimilated' structure, without necessarily knowing what it meant tous. Suppose, I'm capable of reproducing the architecture of a symmetriad, and I know itscomposition and have the requisite49 technology…I create a symmetriad and I drop it into theocean. But I don't know why I'm doing so, I don't know its function, and I don't know what thesymmetriad means to the ocean…""Yes. You may be right. In that case it wished us no harm, and it was not trying to destroy us.
Yes, it's possible…and with no intention…"My mouth began to tremble.
"Kelvin!""All right, don't get worried. You are kind, the ocean is kind. Everybody is kind. But why?
Explain that. Why has it done this? What did you say…to her?""The truth.""I asked you what you said.""You know very well. Come back to my cabin and we'll write out the report. Come on.""Wait. What exactly do you want? You can't be intending to remain on the Station.""Yes, I want to stay."
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1
shutters
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| 百叶窗( shutter的名词复数 )； （照相机的）快门 | |
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deception
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| n.欺骗，欺诈；骗局，诡计 | |
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mutual
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| adj.相互的，彼此的；共同的，共有的 | |
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evasion
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| n.逃避，偷漏(税) | |
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outskirts
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| n.郊外，郊区 | |
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clandestine
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| adj.秘密的，暗中从事的 | |
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shaft
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| n.(工具的)柄，杆状物 | |
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doorway
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| n.门口，(喻)入门；门路，途径 | |
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furtively
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| adv. 偷偷地, 暗中地 | |
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panoramic
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| adj. 全景的 | |
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din
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| n.喧闹声，嘈杂声 | |
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decided
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| adj.决定了的，坚决的；明显的，明确的 | |
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bent
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| n.爱好，癖好；adj.弯的；决心的，一心的 | |
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swollen
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| adj.肿大的，水涨的；v.使变大，肿胀 | |
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foul
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| adj.污秽的；邪恶的；v.弄脏；妨害；犯规；n.犯规 | |
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standing
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| n.持续，地位；adj.永久的，不动的，直立的，不流动的 | |
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gasping
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| adj. 气喘的, 痉挛的 动词gasp的现在分词 | |
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nostrils
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| 鼻孔( nostril的名词复数 ) | |
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alcoholic
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| adj.（含）酒精的，由酒精引起的；n.酗酒者 | |
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vapor
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| n.蒸汽，雾气 | |
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skull
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| n.头骨；颅骨 | |
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vessels
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| n.血管( vessel的名词复数 )；船；容器；（具有特殊品质或接受特殊品质的）人 | |
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unbearable
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| adj.不能容忍的；忍受不住的 | |
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spoke
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| n.（车轮的）辐条；轮辐；破坏某人的计划；阻挠某人的行动 v.讲，谈（speak的过去式）；说；演说；从某种观点来说 | |
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dreading
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| v.害怕，恐惧，担心( dread的现在分词 ) | |
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inscription
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| n.（尤指石块上的）刻印文字，铭文，碑文 | |
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hysterically
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| ad. 歇斯底里地 | |
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groan
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| vi./n.呻吟，抱怨；(发出)呻吟般的声音 | |
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disintegration
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| n.分散，解体 | |
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apparatus
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| n.装置，器械；器具，设备 | |
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puff
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| n.一口(气)；一阵(风)；v.喷气，喘气 | |
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loomed
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| v.隐约出现，阴森地逼近( loom的过去式和过去分词 )；隐约出现，阴森地逼近 | |
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foam
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| v./n.泡沫，起泡沫 | |
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immediate
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| adj.立即的；直接的，最接近的；紧靠的 | |
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authorized
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| a.委任的，许可的 | |
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generators
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| n.发电机，发生器( generator的名词复数 )；电力公司 | |
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phenomena
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| n.现象 | |
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conceal
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| v.隐藏，隐瞒，隐蔽 | |
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demonstration
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| n.表明，示范，论证，示威 | |
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metabolism
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| n.新陈代谢 | |
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recesses
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| n.壁凹( recess的名词复数 )；（工作或业务活动的）中止或暂停期间；学校的课间休息；某物内部的凹形空间v.把某物放在墙壁的凹处( recess的第三人称单数 )；将（墙）做成凹形，在（墙）上做壁龛；休息，休会，休庭 | |
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42
tightened
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| 收紧( tighten的过去式和过去分词 )； （使）变紧； （使）绷紧； 加紧 | |
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instinctively
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| adv.本能地 | |
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transparent
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| adj.明显的，无疑的；透明的 | |
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accurately
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| adv.准确地，精确地 | |
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recording
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| n.录音，记录 | |
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imprinted
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| v.盖印（imprint的过去式与过去分词形式） | |
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48
imprint
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| n.印痕，痕迹；深刻的印象；vt.压印，牢记 | |
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49
requisite
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| adj.需要的，必不可少的；n.必需品 | |
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